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Dan is ready.
He thinks he's ready, anyway. He's had this idea in his head for months now, ever since they got back from TIT and started planning the hard launch. He's not even sure what's brought this on, exactly. After all, isn't he the one who always said no marriage? And yet, ever since they began discussing being more open and honest about their relationship, he can't get the idea out of his head.
So he goes and buys a ring, using the excuse of going to see a friend. He hides it in his wardrobe, knowing that Phil never looks in there. Then he waits, watches the podcast set come to life before their eyes. He isn't even sure how he intends to ask, but the moment Phil proudly announces he bought a gacha machine everything falls into place.
It isn't hard to convince him to place the two red balls inside Richard, playing it off as just something they want to discuss with each other at no cost. Dan doesn't like hiding secrets from Phil, but he figures this is such a Dan and Phil way to propose that it's worth it.
It isn't until the day of the first podcast recording, when he actually has to write out the words, that it hits him. He's actually doing it. He's going to ask Phil to marry him, live on the podcast whenever his red ball gets picked. Which could be next week, or next year.
That gives him an awful lot of time to agonise over this decision.
"Dan?" Phil asks a few weeks later, curled up next to him on the sofa watching TikTok. Dan hums to show he heard. "What'd you put in Richard?"
"What?"
"Your red ball," Phil clarifies. "What did you write?"
"I don't think we're supposed to discuss that, Phil. It would sort of defeat the purpose of it, don't you think?"
"Yeah, you're right." Phil sighs heavily and turns onto his back, flopping down and placing his head on Dan's lap. "I'm just curious, I guess."
"Why, what did you write?" Dan grins, attempting to deflect.
"Nothing important."
"Yeah, neither."
Nothing important.
Something about the way Phil says it makes Dan doubt himself suddenly. Was he too hasty? Was it too soon after everything to even be considering marriage? What if Phil isn't interested in it after all?
Logically, Dan knows that isn't true. Phil may not say it, but Dan knows he's a romantic at heart and would love to get married someday. But he is nothing if not an overthinker, so naturally this off-handed comment sends him into a spiral of worry and self-doubt. He even briefly considers changing his red ball question to something more mundane and domestic in secret before stopping himself.
No. He won't run from this. He refuses to back down. Their lives are already so inextricably linked- they bought their forever home together, their entire careers are centred around each other for fuck's sake! Adding one more legal layer to it won't make much difference anymore.
That being said, he has always liked to test things before jumping into them. So he decides to test this out too. He begins to make more marriage jokes, both on video and in private. Phil seems surprised but accepts it. Dan just watches for his reaction- is he smiling? Laughing along? Confused? Skeptical? He memorises every detail and replays them on loop later, like a movie in his head that he keeps hitting rewind on.
Then comes the inevitable confrontation.
"Hey, rat," he greets one morning as he wanders into the kitchen, seeing Phil already there with his coffee. "Pass the sugar over."
"No please?"
Dan rolls his eyes fondly. "Please, Phil?"
"That's better," Phil smiles, throwing the sugar at him. Dan catches it deftly.
"You're such a good husband." Dan isn't even really aware he said it. He's still sleep-deprived and the sight of Phil all tired and adorable in his Minecraft pyjamas, blond hair ruffled and blue eyes affectionate, is enough to bypass his mental filter.
He doesn't catch the look of surprise crossing Phil's face. "You know," Phil says, voice a little guarded in a way that he normally isn't with Dan, "you've been saying that a lot lately."
"Huh?"
"Husband. Marriage. That kind of thing. For a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe you've been bringing it up a lot."
"Have I?" Dan blinks, willing his brain to catch up.
"You have. It's almost like you're changing your mind on it, Danny boy." The joke is layered behind a thin veil of hope. Dan completely misses it.
"Can a man not make humourous observations about heteronormative societal pressures in peace?"
Dan looks away, pouring the freshly boiled water into his mug. He hears Phil say quietly, "Yes. You can." But he doesn't eloborate.
By the time Dan has woken up enough to process this interaction he realises he may have fucked up.
"Hey, bub? Are you alright?"
Phil barely looks up from his Switch game. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"
"You're sitting in the dark not talking to me," Dan points out. "Plus you're pouty."
"I don't pout."
"You totally do."
"Do not." Phil continues pouting. "It's nothing. I'm fine."
"If it's upsetting you this much it's not nothing." Dan sits beside Phil, placing an arm around his waist and pulling him close. Phil sighs and leans into the touch.
"Okay, fine. I'm upset. It's really stupid, though."
"No, it's not."
"You don't know what it is."
"Well, I still say it's not stupid."
Phil giggles a little at that. Dan's chest warms up at hearing that wonderful sound. "It's about what you said earlier. About marriage."
"What about it?"
"Do you really think it's just a heteronormative societal pressure?" The fact that Phil has quoted him exactly means that he's been thinking about this all day. "You don't think there's any other, deeper meaning there? Something more personal?"
"Oh bub." Dan leans down to kiss Phil's forehead; the other pretends to swat him away but tilts his head up to accept it anyway. "Of course I do. How could I not? It's just- you know I don't approve of the fact that it's seen as the only option. Like, everyone seems to think there's only one option to show your commitment to your partner, and that's just utter bullshit. Look at us. Sixteen years and going strong. No paperwork needed."
Phil's eyes have softened slightly listening to Dan speak. He's smiling, and in the evening gloom, by the glow of the streetlight outside, he looks ethereal. "Yeah, you're right. It's silly. We don't need marriage, we're inseparable as we are."
"Bonded pair, do not separate." Phil actually laughs at that, leaning fully against Dan.
"I dunno. I just think it'd be nice to get married, y'know?"
"Mm-hmm," Dan hums in agreement. "Maybe one day we will. You never know."
"Dan Howell, get married? That'll be the day." Phil's eyes shine bright like two stars in the dark, Dan's personal North Star. He doesn't think he could live without this man. He needs him like he needs air.
"There's a chance," he says back, feeling his resolve strengthen. He can do this. He wants to do this. It'll all be fine.
The first red ball emerges five weeks later, and Dan's heart skips a beat as Phil pulls it out of Richard's slot. The ring in his back pocket, the one he's taken to every podcast recording since episode two, feels heavy and leaden.
But it turns out to be Phil's question instead, something suitably domestic that he's completely forgotten an hour later. Oh well. He's sure it'll be a good episode anyway.
His own red ball is sitting quite far back, amid a sea of pink and yellow. A promise, four simple words hidden from sight until Richard deems it suitable to emerge. Dan toys with the idea of moving it closer but he knows people would notice and wonder why, so he resists the temptation. It just feels like he might have a mini heart attack from waiting, no big deal.
"First red ball down," Phil says after they finish filming, leaning back in his chair. It protests audibly. "You looked terrified when it emerged from Richard's flap, Dan."
"Please don't call it that," Dan grimaces.
"Flap," Phil repeats. "Anyway, why so scared, Danny? Worried about yours?"
"No. Of course not. Mine is perfectly innocent and safe for work."
"I bet it's yaoi."
"It's not yaoi!"
"Yaoi-related?"
Dan shakes his head, unable to fight his grin. "Technically? Maybe?"
"Ooh, now I'm intrigued!" Phil beams, lowering his head to rest his chin on his hands and blink upwards at Dan. "Tell me more."
"Nope. That's enough information."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pretty please? Can't resist this face, can you?"
"Stop fluttering your eyelashes at me, you child."
Dan isn't expecting it when his red ball finally emerges.
It's been months. It's edged closer and closer each week, and at some point he stopped keeping track to spare his own sanity. So when he sees the colour of the ball in his hand he panics.
Thankfully, he is well practised in the art of hiding his stress from people. So he smiles and says, "Here Phil, you read it," and Phil looks confused but takes it anyway.
While he focuses on cracking open the ball, Dan reaches behind him into his jean pocket and takes the ring box in hand. He takes a deep, calming breath and watches Phil smooth out the orange sticky note.
Phil's brow furrows as he reads. A moment later, he says in a quiet voice, "Will you marry me?"
"Well? Will you?" Dan's heart is beating a million miles an hour, and he's sure he's shaking, but he pushes all that down as he kneels in front of Phil.
Now, Dan was expecting any number of reactions. Joyful jumping around the room, maybe. Tears as he mouthed the word 'yes'. He even imagined Phil glaring at him and walking away in anger (what could he say, catastrophising was a hard habit to kick).
He most definitely did not expect for Phil to respond with, "You absolute twat."
"I-what?"
"You let me believe you never wanted to marry, ever, Mr-I-Hate-Commitment, only to propose in the most beautiful, incredible way on the phod? You are an idiot and I hate you."
Dan frowns, concerned. "Is that a no, then?"
"What? No! I mean, yes, I mean- just give me the fucking ring, Dan."
"I am very confused right now."
"You're confused? You're confused? How long have you been planning this?"
"Ever since TIT," Dan confesses, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.
"But that's nearly two years ago." Dan nods silently. "You've wanted to marry me for two years?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my God, I love you!" Phil rushes at him, throwing his arms around him and nearly knocking him over. "Yes, I'll marry you! You sneaky bitch!"
Dan exhales in relief, returning the embrace as the producers cheer in the background. "You're not supposed to insult your fiance, Phil."
"This- this is real, right? I'm not in some kind of weird lucid dream? We're actually getting married?"
"We're actually getting married," Dan confirms, guiding them both to stand.
Phil punches his shoulder in response, lightly. Dan gasps in mock-outrage. "What was that for?"
"Testing out the dream theory. And for making me cry on the pod."
"You're meant to pinch yourself, Phil." They're both in their seats now, but holding hands, the engagement ring clearly visible shining on Phil's finger. Dan doesn't think he's ever been so happy in his life.
"I hate you."
"You already said that."
"Shut up." Phil wipes his eyes with the back of his free hand. "What are we meant to do for forty minutes now?"
"Are you actually expecting an answer?"
"On second thoughts, no. Can we get some hard launches now please?"
The rest of the episode seems to fly by. They can't take their eyes off of each other, hands staying intertwined throughout. As soon as it's all done, Phil practically leaps on Dan and kisses him.
"Hello," Dan laughs.
"Shut up and kiss me, Dan."
Dan does, feeling the weight of sixteen years, the shadows of who they once were and who they will become merging with the Dan and Phil of right now, holding onto each other like they're drowning. Yeah, he thinks to himself, forever sounds perfect.
(The episode is their most popular ever.)