Chapter Text
ADA Groupchat (Work-Related Matters Only!)
D.Kunikida: Attention, everyone, I have an announcement to make!
A.Yosano: Oh really kunikida? What is it?
D.Kunikida: The cafe below us is currently undergoing renovations and will be closed for approximately the next 6-7 days.
O.Dazai: LMAO
D.Kunikida: ??
A.Nakajima: Dazai, pls dont i already cant afford therapy… 😭
A.Yosano: Dazai istg, if you do this i am going to be calling you-know-who and you know what happens then
R.Edogawa: She’s not kidding, zai, she will do it
O.Dazai: SIX SEVEENNNNNNN😝
A.Yosano: KILL YOURSELF.
O.Dazai: well if you insist~~!
R.Edogawa: Not so fast buddy!
R.Edogawa: Your execution date is tomorrow💞
O.Dazai WHAT.
D.Kunikida: Need I remind everyone that this group chat is for work-related issues ONLY
A.Nakajima: why did i hear him yell that over text…
A.Yosano: But Dazai’s execution date IS a work related matter!!
Y.Fukuzawa: Kunikida is right. We should all know to keep our personal matters out of our work group chat.
J.Tanizaki: But we’re all in both group chats?
O.Dazai: “all in”???? Like the song “all in” from the hit youtube series alien stage? Like the show that contains my beautiful gorgeous queen hyuna??? Hyuna mentioned??
A.Yosano: ok fine. Youre off death row (for now) because u mentioned alnst and my wife hyuna
O.Dazai: yayyy!! I cant wait to tell my wifey about this!! <333
O.Dazai: WAIT NO
D.Kunikida: your… WHAT.
A.Nakajima: Wow, you’re married Dazai? I didn’t realise someone would wanna marry you!
O.Dazai: oh ok, OUCH atsushi…💔
D.Kunikida: Bless the poor soul of the woman who would want to marry you…
R.Edogawa: bold of you to assume its a woman lol
D.Kunikida: WHAT.
K.Haruno: GUYS, KUNIKIDA JUST PASSED OUT
A.Yosano: Is he foaming at the mouth?
N.Tanizaki: I dont think so?
O.Dazai: skill issue
R.Edogawa: he’s probably fine
J.Tanizaki: probably?????
A.Yosano: he’ll be fine
A.Yosano: maybe
Armed Detective GAYgency
wereballs: is this seriously the name of the groupchat we’re going for…
closeted gay freak: yes. yes it is.
gay inspector gadget: its not like its wrong?
second most gay ginger: speak for yourself
gay inspector gadget: look at your name
gay inspector gadget: also, tachihara michizou
Kunikida: WHAT
naomi!!: hey!
naomi!!: so! What does that mean???
second most gay ginger: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
second most gay ginger: UHHHHHHH…
second most gay ginger: i have no idea
naomi!!: wait whos the first most gay ginger
gay inspector gadget: take a WILD guess.
raging lesbian: its chuuya nakahara isnt it
gay inspector gadget: bingo!!
closeted gay freak: lmaoo always knew he was gay
gay inspector gadget: yea i bet you know all about that dont you
‘closeted gay freak’ has sent a photo!!
[insert photo of dazai’s face in ranpo’s closet (in the dark)]
gay inspector gadget: WHAT THE FUCK GET OUT OF MY CLOSET
gay inspector gadget: HOW DID YOU GET IN THERE.
closeted gay freak: don’t play with me, boy.
raging lesbian: jesus, dazai why the hell are you so scary when ur pm side comes out
wereballs: ‘pm side’ like hes a fucking werewolf😭💔
second most gay ginger: “when my eyes turn red, run” ahh
naomi!!: “even the devil shivers when a nice guy loses his temper” ahh
‘gay inspector gadget’ replying to ‘wereballs’
gay inspector gadget: “im the alpha, im the leader, im the one ot trust” ahh
second most gay ginger: STOP I JUST GOT TRAUMA FLASHBACKS OF NAOMI’S ZOMBIES PHASE
naomi!!: STOPPPPPPPP. I THOUGHT YOU SWORE NOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT U HO💔
underrated diva <3: its okay queen i had one too
naomi!!: lets make out
underrated diva <3: okay
second most gay ginger: WHAT
raging lesbian: yayyy!! I love wuh luh wuh!!
Kunikida.: i can tell.
raging lesbian: WHAT.
raging lesbian: KUNIKIDA????
gay inspector gadget: you’re not very good at hiding it akiko
raging lesbian: girl stop acting like i didnt see you sucking face with poe 10 minutes ago..🥀
Kunikida.: i stole kunikidas phone lmao ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝
Kunikida: DAZAI YOU WASTE OF BANDAGES
gay inspector gadget: it was okay knowing u buddy
raging lesbian: yeah we’ll say a plethora at ur funeral!!
closeted gay freak: thanks, that means a lot… *badum tsss…*
wereballs: this comedy dream goes nowhere dazai
closeted gay freak: awwww ˶ˊᜊˋ˶
Port Mafia gc except none of us can come up with a punny name
still growing damnit: why is this the only name any of us could think of?
gin!!: yeah the majority of us are like- some of the highest ranking members of the pm and yet this is the best we could do?
diablo😈: oh shush gin, you inherited dazai’s stupid humour
getting into the akutagawa bloodline one way or another!!: you make it sound like dazai is her biological parent
there are rats in the walls: bc he basically is atp…
‘still growing damnit’ replying to ‘diablo😈’
still growing damnit: CENSOR THAT WORD HOLY SHIT I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK
third most gay ginger: well SOMEONES not over their situationship
still growing damnit: quit acting like u arent in one right now, ho
gin!!: WHAT
third most gay ginger: RUDE. its actually NOT a situationship, we have been dating for a lovely three months!
gin!!: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING TACHIHARA
gin!!: FIRST U AND CHUUYA DIDNT ASK ME TO GET HIGH WITH YALL LAST WEEK AND NOW THIS??
gin!!: wow i guess our friendship meant nothing then
still growing damnit: oh yeah thats d*zai’s kid
lemon demon: did you just CENSOR his name??😭
still growing damnit: he deserves it
divorced dad: chuuya, at least five of us was at yours and dazai’s vow renewal ceremony.
still growing damnit: sybau
divorced dad: what does ‘sybau’ mean?
iPad kid: shut your bitchass up
divorced dad: elisee!! That wasnt very nice!! :c
third most gay ginger: woah dide me bandaids taste lkie colours
diablo😈:oh, are you a pirate now, tachihara? Because you certainly smell like one.
THE GOAT!!: You shouldn’t be eating those, Tachihara.
getting into the akutagawa bloodline one way or another!!: lol weer aaaallll hihg
i miss my husband💔: i miss him so much 💔i miss my husband so much 💔
still growing damnit: yh me too 🙁
i miss my husband💔: your husband or my husband?
still growing damnit: BTOH.
i miss my husband💔: well your husband isnt dead
still growing damnit: HE WANTS TO BE
Armed Detective GAYgency
closeted gay freak: something just happened.
wereballs: oh uh…ok then dazai…
raging lesbian: so are we circling back to the whole ranpoe thing or…?
gay inspector gadget: oh shush, you’re hardly the last person that can talk about having a relationship with one of our enemies.
closeted gay freak: yea how about we talk about YOU yosa
raging lesbian: lets not actually!! 💞
Kunikida: I wish my co-workers were normal.