Work Text:
Kurzaaak’s Personal Log, Index 6, Subsection 5.b., Entry 1
Summary: This log is recorded for the purpose of cataloguing the diverse liquid consumptive habits of Crewman Alex Jonathan AVERY (a.k.a. “Avery”). It is this one’s observation that Avery picks a different beverage from the replimator at each meal and break cycle.
Entry 1, Note 1. This one is puzzled but curious as to the advantages such a diverse consumption pattern might give to the human crewmate. However, this might also be a cultural practice, and it is not good for ship morale for this one to offend a minority species by asking rude questions.
The goal of this log is to provide greater insight to other Sthetheckii (or other Trevollian heartland species) to learn more about Humans and promote greater respect and understanding of the newest members of the Trevollian Collective.
Entry 1, Note 2. For the benefit of future readers, this one will introduce oneself. This one is known as Kurzaaak. This one has been serving as an able crewman on board the T.S.V. Spiral Wind for 3 standard rotations (or 120 work days). Spiral Wind is patrolling space in the Collective for the next 3 standard rotations, and Avery and this one are assigned to navigational control repair duties together.
***
Observation 1. Period 1. At first meal break, Avery ordered a “dirty chai.” After inquiring with Avery, this one learned that it is not a negative appellation. The base infusion (“chai”) is enhanced with the addition of a stimulant shot derived from “coffee.” “Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee,” Avery says, is a human expression about the importance of coffee in human waking rituals.
Observation 1. Period 2. Delta shift is on duty at astronavigation. Avery has brought both a water bottle and a second beverage called “the white monster” which is a drink primarily derived from synthetics in order to emulate the stimulant found in coffee and tea. A section of this one’s dialogue with Avery on the topic of beverages is reproduced below.
Kurzaaak: Is there a significance to this drink being called a monster, Avery?
Avery: I think it’s just supposed to be cool. Like, you’re tough like a monster, you’re scary in a good way.
Entry 2. Note 1. As is well known by now, human culture celebrates strength and survival in difficult circumstances. Perhaps the drink represents the conquering of a mighty monster, or perhaps the stimulant gives one strength to defeat such a monster.
Kurzaaak: Is there a significance to the second beverage?
Avery: No, that’s just water in case I get dehydrated. I have four beverages advising me at all times.
Kurzaaak: This one understands that this is an exaggeration. Avery only uses the two upper limbs for object manipulation, surely four beverages would be unwieldy.
Avery: Well, sometimes I do actually have that many open drinks at a time, particularly around finals, but my sister would scold me for it. She doesn’t like it when I leave half-empty glasses around.
Kurzaaak: This one is grateful for the information, and apologizes for any rude assumptions.
Avery: Do you guys drink anything, Kurzaaak? I don’t remember seeing you have anything with your meals.
Kurzaaak: The Sthetheckii do not typically rehydrate through the digestive tract. Transdermal absorption is more efficient for this species.
Avery: Ah, I see. You ever spice it up with a new kind of liquid?
Kurzaaak: This one cannot sense flavor with dermal contact.
Avery: Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t want to be rude. Humans also do transdermal infusion, but mostly for drugs and stuff like that.
***
Observation 1. Period 5. This one expressed concern upon witnessing Avery with another drink containing stimulants (an “oat latte”).
Avery: The thing is, my sister’s pregnant and she’s going into labor any day now, and she keeps calling me in a panic over Braxton-Hicks contractions in the middle of the night.
Kurzaaak: Is the birthing of human children such a cause of concern?
Avery: Have you seen the size of human baby skulls in comparison to the human pelvis? Anyone would be concerned.
Entry 4. Note 1. This one did look up the diameter of a newborn human head, and is now also concerned for Avery’s sister.
Kurzaaak: And you are using stimulants to stay awake after these late night conversations.
Avery: Exactly. It’s not like I can hang up on my one and only sibling, but I’ve got to keep up with the rest of delta shift or else Lieutenant Uooolon will tan my hide, you know?
Entry 4. Note 2. Through further conversation, this one did learn that “tan one’s hide” is idiomatic, although Avery provided lengthy discussion of lashing and other physical punishments historically implemented onboard human naval vessels. The significant strength under physical strain must be especially important to humans who serve on ships, and thus may influence the use of stimulants in drinks.
Observation 2. Period 3. Delta shift is on cleaning rotation today. Avery has brought a new type of beverage, something called “Thai tea.”
Entry 13. Note 1. This one has been informed that tea, chai, cha, and te are linguistically connected. This one does not yet understand the significance of the distinction.
In the course of setting the drink down, Avery accidentally spilled some tea on the floor.
Avery: Whoops!
Cleaning robot X4-9B whirred over to wipe up the tea.
Avery: Aw, looks like baby is thirsty. Thirsty baby!
X4-9B flashed its sensor lights and rotated.
Avery: Want some more, little one?
Avery poured more of the drink on the floor in front of X4-9B. However, this time there is too much liquid and the robot started to flash the red malfunction light.
Avery: Oh no! I’m sorry, baby!
Avery then picked up the X4 unit and carried it to the bunks. Avery’s bunkmate, Yeoman 2esa, reported to the rest of delta shift that Avery was attempting a repair of the robot, even though the unit continued to flash warning lights and emit a concerning smoke.
Entry 13. Note 2. Avery is not a trained electro-mechanic, but informed this one that “Learning by doing” is an important human value.
***
Observation 5. Period 2. Delta shift is having second meal in the commissary today. Avery, 2esa, Lieutenant Uooolon, and this one sat together at the table.
Uooolon: Report, Crewman Avery. Are the “human” replicator patterns sufficient for your food needs? As a commanding officer, this one is concerned with your wellbeing and safety, so please speak freely.
Avery: Thank you lieutenant, the options are more than sufficient.
Entry 18. Note 1. It is this one’s particular observation that Avery is more likely to mimic a Sthetheckii cadence when in the presence of the lieutenant.
Note 1, revision. Avery: The way you all speak, it sounds pretty formal to me, at least through the translator, and I'm trying to be polite to the lieutenant by speaking more formally. But you and I are chill, so I just talk normal around you.
Kurzaaak: This one is grateful to be considered chill.
Avery: I wonder if….
Avery stood up and approached the replimat with their cup.
Avery: Replicate – 10 mL lemonade, still. 10 mL cola, carbonated. 10 mL root beer, carbonated. 10 mL tea, cold, still. 10 mL raspberry punch, still. 10 mL red punch, still. 1 cubic cm ice.
2esa: The poets say, ‘Drink deeply, and be at ease.’ What is the purpose of such a mixture?
Avery: We used to call it “jungle juice” back on Andromeda outpost, but some people just call it “one of everything.” You basically just replicate a little bit of a bunch of drinks into one glass.
Kurzaaak: Is this beverage particularly flavorful or appetizing?
Avery: It’s got a flavor, all right.
2esa: There is beauty in complexity. The poets say, ‘All that takes time to understand, is worth knowing.’
Kurzaaak: If this is a known beverage combination, should not this “jungle juice” be programmed into the replimat?
Avery: No need. It reminds me of being a kid, mixing potions out of puddle water and leaves. Or of college dares. Kurzaaak, you ever get dared to do something stupid in school? Like steal a boat and paddle across a river at night?
Kurzaaak: No, this one has never intentionally engaged in dangerous activities without clear purpose.
2esa: ‘Wisdom is knowing your own limits,’ as the poets say.
Avery: Tell that to my cousin Greg. He once stood in a vented airlock for almost 3 minutes, turned blue all over and nearly lost half his lung.
Entry 18. Note 2. This one later suggested to Avery that the crewman should not discuss Cousin Greg in front of Uooolon again, as the lieutenant flapped gills in a way that expressed displeasure.
Avery: Thanks for letting me know, I always put my foot in my mouth.
Kurzaaak: Is that physically possible for your species?
Avery: For some, but it’s generally not a good look unless you’re a baby.
***
Observation 6. Period 4. Avery, Crewman Nvp, and this one gathered in the commissary after delta shift concluded. Avery used their communicator to play a broadcast of a human sporting event.
Nvp: Drink!!! interest!? <question> purpose. /end
Avery: It’s the winner’s celebration, Nvp. She’s celebrating her win with a shoey, by drinking champagne out of her shoe.
Nvp: Drink!!! concern!? hygiene. “Shoe” /end
Avery: Haha, yeah, I don’t think it’s particularly hygienic, no.
Kurzaaak: Is this a common occurrence at human sporting events?
Avery: It’s more of an Australian thing. That’s the subcontinent where Glenroy is from. They’re a little more, out there, let’s just say.
Nvp: Drink!!! interest!? <question> celebration. “Other place” /end
Avery: Well at the Lunar 5000 they usually have freeze-dried punch in honor of early human space missions to the moon when drinks were all packaged that way.
Kurzaaak: This one has experienced grav generator malfunctions while hydrating. Not pleasant.
Nvp: Disaster!! comment!? <sympathy> NOT good. /end
Avery: And at the Indianapolis 500, they drink cow’s milk.
Kurzaaak: And how do humans get this “milk” from a cow?
Avery then explained how humans get milk from other mammalian species on their home planet.
Entry 60. Note 1. This one will not replicate this lengthy discussion, as this information can be found in any encyclopedia on the terminal planets.
Avery: Before proper storage and sanitation, people must’ve drunk a lot of spoiled milk. That’s probably how we discovered stuff, blue cheese and the like.
Kurzaaak: What makes this food blue?
Avery: It’s the mold.
Nvp: Food!!! concern!? hygiene. “Mold”/end
***
Observation 10, Period 2. Avery has brought cleaning robot to the astronavigation room during delta shift.
Avery: Look, he’s good as new! I fixed him up, gave him a new shine, and look, he even has a proper name now!
Avery showed a label affixed to X4-9B’s side reading “Exby >:)”
Entry 34. Note 1. “>:)” is a symbolic representation of the human face. This one has learned that curved lips and showing teeth, while appearing threatening to Sthetheckii, is actually a friendly greeting for most humans.
Note 1, revision. Avery: This emoticon expresses an evil grin, not really a friendly smile. My friend Jo struggles with interpreting meaning from expressions sometimes, and they’re human, so don’t worry about it. I’ll let you know if I’m angry at you or anything. [This remark concerns Kurzaaak, but this one must trust Avery.]
Kurzaaak: Cleaning robots do not need names, from this one’s understanding. They do not respond to verbal commands.
Avery: Exby is my friend now, though! We have a warrior’s bond, since I accidentally almost killed him with tea, and he almost killed me with an electric shock when I took him apart to try and fix him.
Avery placed the X4 unit down on the ground, which immediately called attention to the knife attached to the unit’s top.
Avery: And since he’s a warrior, I gave him a weapon!
Entry 62. Note 1. This one inquired if Avery learned a lesson by doing the repair. Avery: Yeah, I learned not to underestimate engineers.
Subnote 1. Engineers are a class of inventor-warriors in human culture. It is unclear to this one whether knives are symbolic to them.
***
Observation 15, Period 2. Avery approached this one at the end of Work Period 2 and asked this one for a private chat.
Observation 64. Note 1. This raised concerns that this one has been rude or indiscreet with questions about human behavior and culture, especially those beyond the necessary scope of this project. For example, this one inquired about the creature known as Gritty, seen in some of the sporting events Avery watches on the hypernet.
Avery: Yeah he’s the team mascot, and he lives in the sewers under the stadium.
Kurzaaak: Is Gritty a subspecies of human? Or another extant form of life? His form is unfamiliar to this one.
Avery: Who’s to say? [The ambiguity in this remark concerns Kurzaaak.]
Avery: Hey Kurzaaak, I just wanted to say thank you for being a good friend to me the past couple of weeks. I know not everyone likes humans coming aboard their vessels, but you’ve been super nice.
Kurzaaak: It is not this one’s place to accept such compliments. It is one’s duty to accept difference and to accommodate newcomers to the Trevellian expanse.
Avery: No need to be so modest! Anyway, I know you’ve been curious about human drinks, so if you’ve got time while we’re docked at IGUUUPA-4, I’ve got a friend I think you should meet.
***
Observation 15. Period 5. Avery and this one arrived at a small restaurant on IGUUUPA-4. This one noted signage in multiple languages, including several human ones.
Avery: She’s called a bartender, a human who specializes in mixing drinks for others!
Toriana HUANG: Call me Tori! And I consider myself a mixologist, thank you very much.
Avery: Anyway, she’s the only human I know in this sector with a working blender.
Tori: Your blender would be working as well if you hadn’t stupidly decided to plug in to the $Useji power grid and fried the circuits.
Avery: I forgot my adapter, so sue me.
Entry 64. Note 2. Lawsuits are a form of verbal combat performed by humans. The loser typically forfeits honor or currency to the victor.
Tori: I also did some research, and apparently Sthetheckii can’t process alcohol or large volumes of liquid. However, your basal body temperature is much lower than humans, so we can super cool some ice, blend it up, and you can have a frozen mocktail that will pass through your digestive tract mostly unmelted.
Kurzaaak: This one is extremely affected by the care shown by these humans. Many thanks.
This one took the glass of “margarita” and the provided “straw/spoon” to sample the beverage.
Kurzaaak: AHKJHHHAHHH AAAAAH!
Avery: Oh no! We broke Kurzaaak!
Tori: Did you check that Kurzaaak isn’t allergic to citrus?
Avery: Yeah, I don’t know what’s wrong. Are you okay, buddy?
Kurzaaak: This one is much recovered, although in great pain still. This one’s head is very cold and painful.
Tori: Oh, sounds like a brain freeze, ouchie.
Avery: Not life-threatening though. Thank the stars, imagine if I had killed my first alien friend while on leave.
Tori: If anyone could... you would, Alex.
Entry 64. Note 3. There is much this one can still learn about human culture, although greater caution must be employed if one is to avoid incidents such as “brain freeze” when coming into contact with human material.
Subnote 3. AASHSDH
Avery: I’m so sorry, I accidentally set Exby to spin-polish mode.
Entry 64. Note 4. Although this one will continue to value Avery’s friendship, remarks made by Tori and interactions with the crewman indicate that Avery is an above average source of human danger. Further research is required.