Archive of Our Own

That's what mates do...

Cassidy was not only a lazy bugger, he also slept like a bear in winter if he decided to. As a vampire he didn't necessarily need to sleep but there is only so much you can do when everyone around you had a normal day which also involved regular sleeping patterns. That is why over the many years of his life he had made it into a habit to adapt his own patterns to the people he lived with. Usually he'd sleep during the day and do shit at night, but that had changed when he fell into the life of one Jesse Custer.

Now he ran errands for the church, tried (and failed) to fix the air conditioning from time to time and drank with Jesse until the human could barely stand on his own feet anymore. When Jesse went to bed, he'd usually do the same because there was literally nothing exciting to do in this shit town. And if he was honest to himself (which he usually avoided) doing things without Jesse was only half as fun. That is why Cassidy decided to sleep at night and be awake during the day.

After one particularly wild night of booze, a bar fight and even more booze at the church, Jesse didn't even manage to get into his bed and just fell asleep on one of the pews. Cassidy had considered to leave him there, but the chainsaw incident was still on his mind, which was why he'd rather have Jesse closer to the attic. He had carefully lifted the preacher up into his arms and carried him up the stairs into his bed like some Sleeping Beauty. Once he heaved Jesse into his bed and messily pulled the blankets over his body, Cassidy lingered for a moment and watched the man in front of him.

People were supposed to look relaxed and calm when they were sleeping, but Jesse rarely did. Not that Cassidy stalked the preacher at night, but sometimes situations arose (which were totally out of his control) and Jesse happened to fall asleep while he happened to be around. Cassidy just wanted to make sure that Jesse was alright and no one could blame him after those two angelic idiots had tried to slice the preacher open like some loaf of bread. That's what mates do, right?

Cassidy finally decided to crawl into his own bed because even he could feel a headache building. Once he was lying in his pile of blankets he was gone immediately.

Cassidy liked sleeping. He didn't have to think about his sorry existence and how he would do god (and everyone else) a favor if he just stepped into the sun and vanished into ashes. Even his mind was at rest when he was sleeping which was probably the reason why he was so good at it. One time he had slept through an earthquake and was only woken up by the sunshine which had fallen through one of the cracks in the roof. That bloody thing had burnt half of his hand before Cassidy realized what was going on.

That was why Cassidy was incredibly puzzled when he woke up at what seemed to be only half an hour later. “Bloody hell”, he whispered into the darkness of his attic and turned onto his other side, pulling the sheets over his head with more force than necessary. He couldn't remember the last time when he woke up for no apparent reason at all which was why he listened closely into the darkness.

Suddenly he heard a whimpering sound and all of his senses were on edge. That was definitely Jesse and Cassidy didn't like these sounds at all. Often enough he had heard them coming out of his own mouth when there were no drugs left and no next shot in sight. This was Jesse, though. He made other people make bunny sounds. That man doesn't whimper and if he did, he probably didn't want Cassidy to know.

An overwhelming feeling of guilt was pressing onto his chest when he forced himself to close his eyes again, trying to blend out the noises which came from Jesses's room. When Jesse screamed, though it went right under Cassidy's skin and he was already half out of the attic, golf club in his hands. He didn't even try to be silent when he jumped down the stairs. Should those bastards know that he was here to kill them again. He would rip out their throats with his bare hands. Or stick the golf club up their arses until its end came out again on the other side if they had harmed a hair on his best friend.

He stormed into Jesse's room, golf club raised high above his head, shouting: “Come out, ye cowards! Ready for 'nother beating? I don't mind taking ye apart again!”

He was only greeted by silence and the features of Jesse, tossing and turning in his bed. His breath was ragged and Cassidy could see that Jesse's face was a grimace of pain. The realization hit Cassidy hard: Jesse Custer was having a nightmare.

The vampire wasn't sure what to do with this information nor how to handle the situation. This didn't seem to be any old nightmare. Jesse had screamed in pain and it hurt Cassidy to see him like that, see the pain on his face.

“Jess?” he said tentatively, but he didn't move from his spot. He wasn't good with emotional stuff and this was definitely super emotional stuff. Cassidy wasn't even sure if he wanted Jesse to wake up while he was still standing in his bedroom, arms still up in the air ready to hit someone with his golf club. Only slowly he put his arms down but his eyes never left the twitching body of his friend. Cassidy felt a bit helpless. He knew it was his duty to wake Jesse up, making sure that he was okay, but he wasn't convinced that Jesse wanted him to see him this vulnerable.

“Jesse?” he tried again, taking a step back. Maybe he could get out of the room, possibly even out of the church and just drive off into the night. 'I am such a coward', he thought by himself while taking another step back.

He froze when Jesse suddenly sat up straight, hand in his mouth to choke down the noises he had been making. He was breathing hard and had his eyes shut tightly. His body was tense and he quietly muttered: “Not again”. He took deep breaths to calm himself down but it didn't seem to help. Instead his breath was getting faster, shorter and more irregular, he gripped his hair forcefully with one hand, while he stuffed the other into his mouth and his body started shaking violently. Cassidy just stared at his friend unable to move and afraid to breath, afraid that he might be discovered. Jesse was having a panic attack and Cassidy was absolutely clueless how to deal with it. When Jesse suddenly started sobbing, Cassidy closed his eyes. He felt ashamed of himself for being here and not doing anything, but also for being an intruder to this moment in which Jesse was so very vulnerable. He could faintly smell blood mixing with Jesse's sweat and he knew that Jesse must have bitten himself hard.

Cassidy stood in the door frame, eyes still closed, trying his hardest not to make any sound. It seemed like forever until Jesse's sobs became quieter and his breath calmer. Cassidy opened his eyes to see that the preacher was lying on his side, rolled together as if he was in pain. He had his back turned towards Cassidy so he couldn't really be sure whether or not the man was already asleep. Cassidy waited even longer, too scared to move. Only ten minutes after Jesse's breath was regular again, he dared to take two more steps back and then dashed upstairs into his attic trying to be as quiet as possible on his escape.

He lay underneath his blankets but even if he wanted to, Cassidy wouldn't be able to sleep. The memory of Jesse sitting hunched over, shaking like a leaf, tears rolling down his handsome features would haunt him forever.

*~*~*

The worst thing about living with Jesse Custer was that the man was an absolute manly male who would rather take a beating than actually talk about his feelings. Cassidy was still haunted by the image of Jesse having a panic attack and he wanted to help his friend somehow. Jesse seemed normal like always, maybe more tired but that was about it. If Cassidy hadn't stood in Jesse's room for over 30 minutes last night, he would be convinced that everything was okay and he had been dreaming.

“Yer alright, mate?”, Cassidy asked casually, clapping Jesse onto his back while sitting down next to him and shoving a beer into the other man's hand.

“What do you want, Cass?”, Jesse asked back, taking a huge swig from his bottle.

“Can a friend not ask another friend about said friend's well-being? No crime in that, padre.” he chuffed, grinning innocently at the preacher. Jesse frowned warily at him but didn't say anything else.

And that was as much as he had gotten out of his friend. In movies they always said that talking about stuff helped but what was he supposed to do when his stubborn friend didn't want to talk?

Cassidy lay in bed, staring at the wooden walls and was unable to sleep. Every little noise made him jump because he was worried that it might be coming out of Jesse's room. He didn't know what he was supposed to do if Jesse had another nightmare, or even a panic attack. If he just ignored them, he would be the worst friend in existence.

It didn't happen in the following night, though and not in the one after. When a whole week passed and Jesse still seemed to sleep like a baby, Cassidy allowed himself to relax and get some rest.

*~*~*

Cassidy thought himself to be rather foolish for not sleeping a whole week, when all it took to wake him was the faint sound of Jesse's whimpers. He immediately shot upwards, so awake as if someone had pumped adrenaline right into his filthy, little heart. “Come on Cassidy, don't be a wanker!”, he told himself and got up. Slowly he patted down the stairs, took a deep breath and opened Jesse's bedroom door.

The sight was similar to what he had seen some nights ago: Jesse was breathing hard, his expression was pained, there was sweat on his forehead and he twitched in his sleep. This time, however, Cassidy was prepared. He was determined to wake Jesse, even if the preacher would be ashamed upon discovering that Cassidy knew about his nightmares. That's what mates do.

“Jesse?”

He didn't exactly have high hope for the preacher to wake up immediately when spoken to. That would have been too easy and if Cassidy seemed to be tiptoeing around something in his life, it was easy solutions. With a sigh the vampire walked around the bed and carefully leaned over the sleeping man.

“Jesse, mate?”, he tried again and tentatively touched his shoulder. Something flashed over Jesse's face when their skins touched, but it was gone before Cassidy could put an emotion to the expression. Cassidy made a frustrated sound, lay his hand onto Jesse's upper arm and gently but also determinedly shook the other man. “Jess, wake -”

He was thrown back by the powerful punch that hit his jaw. Cassidy crashed into the wall behind him with such a force that all air was knocked out of his lungs at once and his head smashed against the windowsill. Blinking groggily, Cassidy wasn't sure which of his hurt body parts he should rub first. He was convinced he had fractured his jaw, he hoped that his skull was not split in two, even though the pain made him assume the opposite and from the feel of it he might have broken a rip or two.

Cassidy, while grimly putting his jaw back in place, cursed bitterly and in such a creative way, had Jesse been awake he would have smacked him with the Bible and possibly forced him to only use words from Justin Bieber's “Baby” for the rest of the day. Cassidy tried not to remember how ridiculous he had sounded and only because he had given Emily's kids a rather adult prep talk about the birds and the bees. He hadn't even gotten to the bees fisting birds metaphor part back then before Jesse practically threw himself onto him.

Once he wasn't busy with whining about his pain anymore, he looked up and saw that Jesse was still sleeping. Which was even worse was the fact that he still seemed to be having that nightmare.

“Balls!”, the vampire muttered with feeling, still rubbing his chin while subconsciously being aware of the bones slowly growing back together. Another part of his body seemed to be painfully aware that a sleeping Jesse Custer had knocked him out like a fucking daisy and Cassidy told himself that fights had that effect on that particular part of his body. It totally didn't mean that he imagined what these hands could do when their owner was awake. Jesse was his best mate and he just admired him for his strength.

'Funny way of admiration', whispered a voice gloatingly in his head and Cassidy felt the urge to hit his head against the windowsill again. Instead he just got up and looked at Jesse's pained face once more. “Ye win this round, wanker”, he grumbled and walked out of Jesse's bedroom.

He wasn't quite sure to whom he had said those words. Jesse? His nightmares? Or that stupid voice in his head? Didn't matter in the end because Cassidy was more determined than ever to help Jesse with these nightmares. The preacher deserved better.

*~*~*

“Get your lazy ass out of bed!”

Cassidy frowned at the man who had just pulled the blanket from his tight grip and hissed. If Jesse Custer weren't his best mate, he'd have punched the fucker in his handsome face like he had done last night. His head was still throbbing painfully.

“What do ye want?” he grunted angrily while turning around and closing his eyes again.

Behind him Jesse made an exasperated sound. “I need you to actually be useful for once and run some errands for the church so Emily gets off my ass. Can you do that?”

When Cassidy just mumbled some incoherent words as reply, Jesse kicked his butt not much unlike he had done with the washing machine some time ago.

“Come on, Cass, yo-” Jesse stopped in the middle of the sentence when Cassidy suddenly shot upwards with a growl and pushed him against the wall. “Can't ye do anything on yer own?”

There was silence between them and the only audible sound was their breaths, while they stared at each other. Cassidy tried not to look at Jesse's lips but failed. Was he imagining things or had Jesse just gotten closer. Why did he want Jesse to actually get closer? He could feel his boxers twitch slightly. Fuck. Cassidy quickly let go of the preacher and took a step back.

“Cass, you okay?”, Jesse asked in confusion, “you're fucking weird today.”

“Sorry, padre. Just had me a shite night. That's all.” Cassidy froze when Jesse got closer again and put his hand onto his shin, examining it while furrowing his brow in worry.

“How did that happen? What were you up to last night?”

Cassidy brushed away his friend's hand even though he was enjoying the touch and the attention he got. He enjoyed it a bit too much for his own liking. “S'nothing, padre. Errands, eh?”

Jesse raised an eyebrow in question but seemed to decide against pressing further. “Get dressed and come downstairs. I have the list ready.” He turned and was nearly out of the room, when Cassidy spoke up again: “Yer okay?”

He wished, Jesse would not frown so much. “Always.”

“Ye know you can talk to me and shit?”, Cassidy rambled nervously.

Jesse threw his head back and started laughing. “How hard did you hit your head last night?”

When the other man had left the room Cassidy let himself sink onto his bed again. What was happening to him? He shook his head and started laughing. They were close, his dick twitched. Nothing weird about that. He was notoriously underfucked since the nightmare thing had started. He just needed to shag someone or have a good wank later and the day would look much brighter already. Then he could do something about Jesse's nightmares because even though the preacher said he was fine, Cassidy knew that he was lying. If the bags under Jesse's eyes weren't telling, the throbbing in his head definitely was.

*~*~*

Apply dream first aid. The first thing to do is calm down and ease your fear. Turn on a lamp or light a candle, and take some deep breaths to relax and re-familiarize yourself with your room. If you can, write the dream down. This may be enough to help you get over the shock and fall asleep again. If the dream's heaviness lingers, take a drop of Rescue Remedy under the tongue, or brew a cup of relaxing herbal tea. Burn a little sage, or heat lavender oil...

Cassidy threw the book onto the table while making a frustrated sound. Annville's library had exactly one book about nightmares and the advice in it were only useful when you were willing to get help which Jesse Custer probably wasn't. Honestly, which man wakes up from a nightmare and thinks immediately 'let me light a candle and heat some lavender oil'. Cassidy buried his head into his hands and breathed out. How was he supposed to help Jesse?

“What to do when dreams go bad: A practical guide to nightmares? Some interesting reading material you have here.”

Cassidy jumped up and stared at Tulip who had raised both eyebrows and smiled at him mockingly. “You know that the porn corner is over there?”, she said and pointed to another room which was separated from the rest of the library by a red velvet curtain.

“Whatcha doin' here, love?”, he asked and tried to sound nonchalant when in fact he was terribly embarrassed. Somehow he was more flustered about the fact that she had seen his actual reading material instead of catching him reading porn magazines.

Tulip held up some brightly colored books. “Getting reading material for Emily's kids. I'm babysitting while she is doing church stuff.” Cassidy was surprised by her honesty. They barely knew each other, had awkward sex (which she probably regretted), he had told her that he loved her and she had given him the finger. Understandable really considering how much of a wanker he was. The incident in the church cupboard hadn't helped either of them much.

She sat down opposite of him, putting her feet onto the table and looked at him with mild interest. “Vampires have nightmares?”

He plastered a cheeky smile on his face. “Why the sudden interest? Just can't forget about me, can you? If you want a bit of ol' Cassidy, I can probably arrange somethin'”, he said but was as sincere as Jesse constantly telling him that he was alright. He wouldn't as much as think about Tulip in that way again now that he knew she was Jesse's girl.

Tulip just gave him a pointed look, leaned forward and pushed the book towards him. She didn't say anything else.

“We don't have nightmares”, he confessed finally and pushed the book back into her direction.

“And you're still reading this crap?”

He remained silent at that. It felt weird to talk to Tulip about Jesse. Cassidy didn't mind sharing the preacher with Tulip. Well that sounds wrong. He didn't mind them being a thing as long as he could still stick around. And that sounds pathetic. Now that he thought about it, it was quite a weird thing to do for a friend to go into the library and read up about nightmares that had nothing to do with him. Then again he wasn't just any old friend of Jesse's. He was his best mate. That's what a good mate would do, right?

“It's Jesse, isn't it?”, she asked and her features softened.

Cassidy felt caught, but nodded reluctantly. She took her feet from the table and leaned forward, head resting on her hand, while looking at him. They sat in silence for a while, the book lying in between them like some heavy burden that tried to pull them down.

Cassidy wished that he could read Tulip's thoughts at this very moment. Her expression was neutral but her eyes were fixed on his face. Her piercing look made him feel uncomfortable and he suddenly felt very exposed even though he wasn't sure why. When she moved he flinched a bit which she didn't notice because she had picked up the book and flicked through it.

“And you're reading this because...?”

Cassidy stared at her, unsure what to say. He considered lying but that would make him feel bad. She had been honest with him about the books, so maybe it was time for him to just let go off his arsehole attitude (at least for a bit). He leaned back and sighed.

“I worry about him, alright? Me, Proinsias Cassidy, is caring for another human being by the name of Jesse Custer”, he said in all honesty and looked at her with a determined expression. Then he suddenly realized what he had said and to whom he had said it and added quickly: “As a friend! I care for him in a friend way.”

Tulip just stared at him and suddenly started laughing. “Proinsias?”

“Oh fuck... forget that I said that.” He covered his face with both of his hands and looked embarrassed. “Just s'ye know, it's a very respectable, Irish name... please don't tell Jesse”, he said pleadingly, while she still giggled which was a very un-Tulip-y sound.

Once she finally stopped laughing, Tulip looked at him and smiled. That smile was not mocking him, it was genuine. Cassidy looked back in confusion and she sighed.

“First of all....”, she started and threw the book into the corner, “that stuff won't help you.”

She pushed her chair away, got up and stretched. Then, she took her own books from the table where she had put them and gave him another of those raised eyebrow looks that Cassidy never really understood. What was he supposed to do now?

“Body contact helps”, she finally said and marched away.

Cassidy gaped after her. Wait what?

*~*~*

Cassidy had tried all of the things that had been written in the book and earned some funny looks from Jesse for that, too. He had put lavender oil into Jesse's bedroom, while the preacher had been out on one of his house visits. When Jesse had commented about the smell in his room, Cassidy pretended to not smell a single thing. The nightmares still happened.

He convinced Jesse to shower before going to bed, even though he couldn't quite remember how he had managed that. Jesse was still restless, dreamed and even started talking in his sleep now. Sometimes it were just words that didn't make any sense. Names of people that Cassidy didn't know. Sometimes it were screams. Sometimes Jesse was begging for mercy. Cassidy wanted to tear those people apart that had harmed Jesse in his past.

He had filled herbal tea into one of the beer bottles that he gave Jesse when the man was already very drunk one night. Apart from Jesse complaining about the taste, nothing changed at all. On the contrary even: his nightmares seemed to get worse and more regular now.

Cassidy also noticed an unwillingness from Jesse to go to bed. They spend more time than usual in the pews, drinking less, talking less. Cassidy wasn't even sure how much sleep the preacher actually got. He didn't go downstairs anymore because he just couldn't bare to look at the pained expression on Jesse's face every single night. It was enough to just listen closely to hear whether or not Jesse was having one of his nightmares again. Sometimes he didn't even have to listen closely because the screams even got through his layers of pillows and blankets with which he tried to cover his ears. He couldn't stand it anymore.

Tulip's words were still ringing in his ears. “Body contact helps” he whispered to himself while lying on his bed. It was true that he had run out of options already but there were just certain lines a friend couldn't cross. Even if he had good intentions. Jesse Custer was not only a religious man but he probably was also very, very heterosexual. A lump formed in his throat while he was thinking that. Cassidy had his own fare share of experiments with the same gender. You just try certain things when you were around long enough. But those guys were not Jesse, those guys certainly hadn't meant so much to Cassidy.

Cassidy was pulled out of his thought when a scream echoed through the church. He winced and thought again of Tulip's words. Had she given him permission? He couldn't imagine such a thing. Tulip still loved Jesse and he loved her back. And Cassidy was somewhere in between, having feelings for both of them. Strictly platonic feelings of course.

Slowly he got up. He needed to do something. Cassidy tiptoed down the stairs and quietly opened the door to Jesse's bedroom. Jesse was lying on his side, back turned towards him. Again he was restless, his body was covered in sweat and he winced as if someone was hitting him repeatedly (which was probably not that far off considering the scars on Jesse's back).

Cassidy took a deep breath. He had tried everything else. He had tried to be a good friend. This was the last step he could take and he told himself that firstly, it was normal that he was very nervous and secondly, that's what mates do for each other, wasn't it?

Carefully he climbed into the bed, kneeling as far away from Jesse as possible while still being close enough to touch him. It took him another five minutes to actually find the courage to stretch out his arm and carefully place his hand on Jesse's back.

The good thing was that Jesse didn't punch him again. The bad thing was that he still seemed to be in pain. Cassidy held his breath when he also turned on his side and faced Jesse, making sure that his hand stayed in place on his friend's back while doing so. Carefully he shuffled a bit closer just so his arm wasn't positioned awkwardly anymore.

Jesse winced in pain and even Cassidy jumped a bit, but his hand stayed on the preacher's back like it was glued there, unmoving at first. Then Cassidy carefully ran his hand over Jesse's skin in soothing circles while quietly whispering: “It's okay, Jess. I'm here. I know I'm not Tulip, but I am here.”

Cassidy was confused by the softness of his own voice. He couldn't remember the last time he had spoken to someone like this. 'Well good that Jesse didn't hear that', he thought by himself and felt somehow a bit miserable. He tried not to think about his feelings for Jesse. There were no feelings, nothing that wasn't platonic. He loved Jesse like a brother and that was it.

Suddenly he realized that Jesse's breath was more regular and he had stopped moving. Cassidy could feel the muscles under Jesse's skin relax while he let his hand slide softly over his back, tracing the white scars on it and resting on the Tulip tattoo for bit longer. It actually worked. Tulip had been right. Of course Tulip was right, you useless blood sucker. She is his fucking girlfriend. Cassidy couldn't suppress a disappointed sound and closed his eyes. He drank in every single bit of the sensation of this moment. The way Jesse's skin felt under his hand and how this physical connection made him feel. How his own scent mixed with that of Jesse's on the blankets and how relaxed Jesse suddenly seemed to be. It was absolutely breathtaking that Cassidy could ease away Jesse's pain with such a simple gesture. Shame that Jesse would never now...

Cassidy knew that he needed to leave soon. He didn't want to risk Jesse waking up to him stroking his back. That would not only be awkward but also ruin their friendship forever. But for now, Cassidy closed his eyes and dared to enjoy the moment just a little bit longer. It just felt good to give Jesse something back after everything he had done for him. That's what mates do, he told himself because the other possibility was just not an option.

*~*~*

Cassidy never wanted this to turn into a routine but he had the feeling that the nightmares kept getting worse whenever he decided to sleep in his own bed. That is why night after night he slipped into Jesse's bed and made sure that the preacher got his needed rest. The worst thing was that it worked.

Jesse actually looked much better, he didn't seem to avoid going to bed anymore and returned to his sometimes moody – sometimes stubborn and sometimes childlike god loving persona. Everything was back to normal, except for Cassidy still spending half of the night in Jesse's bed. This couldn't go on. Not only felt Cassidy like some creepy bastard but the situation made it harder for him to deny his feelings for the preacher.

They were sitting on their usual spots in the church, facing each other, two empty Whiskey bottles already between them, another being passed back and forth. Cassidy took a deep breath. He had rehearsed this and thought of several outcomes. It couldn't be that bad.

“So... about those nightmares...”

Jesse froze and stared blankly at him. “What?”

Cassidy fidgeted with the bottle in his hands, gulped down quarter of it and looked at his own feet. “I know you are having nightmares.”

When he looked up, Jesse's face was icy. Cassidy could see that his muscles were tense, his posture was stiff and all of him seemed to be ready to defend himself, to deny everything. The vampire didn't want to make his best friend feel bad. He wanted to offer help, out in the open and be honest with him. He gave Jesse an apologetic look, but also tried to look empathetic.

“Ye should talk about them with someone, padre. I'm not an expert but it seems to be pretty fucked up.”

Jesse didn't say anything. He just sat there clenching his fists, a scowl on his face. Again Cassidy wished he possessed some weird ass super power that would let him listen to Jesse's thoughts. Just so he knew what to say or do next to be helpful.

Cassidy reached out. He wasn't quite sure which body part he should be aiming for. If he was sitting closer to him, Cassidy would have just patted him on his back. That usually turned out to be a good and friendly gesture. Cassidy wanted to hold Jesse''s hand, just to stop him from clenching his fists because his knuckles were already white but Cassidy was not sure if that would be overstepping the boundaries again. Instead he put his hand onto Jesse's knee and looked at him, eyebrows raised. “Jess...”

“This is none of your business, Cassidy!”Jesse slapped his hand away, got up and stormed out of the church, leaving Cassidy alone with himself and the Whiskey.

The vampire slumped back into his pew, releasing a breath and looking at the bottle in his hand. Jesse's words and the bitterness in them were still ringing in his ears. Cassidy put the bottle to his lips and drained it so fast that he splattered himself with the fluid. Then in a sudden flash of anger he threw the bottle against the pulpit, staring gloatingly at the cross behind it as if it had personally offended him. “How could ye do all these bad things to one of your children, you fucker?!” he spat, stood up and marched upstairs.

*~*~*

Cassidy could hear the noises. He could hear Jesse tossing and turning in his bed, hear his whines, words he mumbled pleadingly. Over the past month Cassidy had gotten used to those noises which didn't mean that it was easy to ignore them. Jesse Custer had decided that he didn't want his help and Cassidy was done trying. That's what he told himself at least, repeated it like a mantra that was supposed to stop him from jumping up and falling back into his habit. However, Cassidy was an addict and he had gotten quite addicted to Jesse's closeness at night.

The preacher wasn't the only person who somehow benefited from their secret sleepover. Cassidy rarely felt more at peace than when he was lying next to Jesse. He knew he had failed at his life, he knew he fucked up uncountable times and that he only ever brought suffering into other people's life. He knew all of that and regretted most of his decisions but Jesse gave him hope. Maybe, just maybe the time had come for him to redeem himself, to be better. Maybe just this once he wouldn't blow it.

“Cass, no...”.

Cassidy sat immediately, when he heard Jesse muttering his name. He just couldn't help it – Cassidy was an addict after all.

In Jesse's room he was greeted with a familiar sight. He had gotten so used to the whole process that he didn't even think twice before slipping onto the left side of the bed. Something was different this time, though. Jesse's face looked different The expression on it was more than just pain, it was pure desperation. Cassidy also smelled Jesse's blood and soon saw that he was gripping his upper arm hard, fingernails digging deep into his flesh.

“Jesus, Jesse”, Cassidy exclaimed and tried immediately to loosen the grip but if Cassidy had learned anything from their nightly encounters it was that Jesse was very strong. What he had forgotten, though, was how Jesse reacted when someone tried to wake him with a bit more force.

He heard his nose breaking when he was hit hard in the face by Jesse's fist. Cassidy fell back onto the bed, one hand still on Jesse's upper arm, the other on his own face. He cursed loudly and saw little rays of light flashing before his eyes which distracted him too much to see the next punch coming which hit his collar bone and pressed him even further down into the mattress.

Cassidy managed to pull Jesse down by his shoulders, wrapping his arms and legs around his body and trying to keep him down without hurting him. “Come on, mate. Wake up” he panted and had huge problems holding the other man. When Jesse crunched him in the nuts, Cassidy howled in pain and let go, his eyes watering while cursing and pressing his hands into his crotch area.

Suddenly Jesse was on top of him, pressing him down with his body weight. He raised his arm, readying himself for the next punch, but Cassidy was faster. He grabbed the other man's shoulders with both hands and pulled him down in a swift movement. Their heads collided hard, they both made incoherent, pained noises and it was over.

Jesse looked at him in confusion, one hand rubbing his forehead while the other was placed on top of Cassidy's chest for support. “The hell, Cass!” Cassidy could pin point the exact moment when Jesse realized what had happened. The anger and the confusion vanished from his face and were replaced by absolute terror while his shoulders dropped and one hand joined the other on Cassidy's chest.

“Wanna talk now? 'Cause I think I deserve that for me broken nose”, Cassidy said and smiled up at his best friend as if this situation wasn't a big deal at all. Cassidy was good at pretending.. It came for free with life experience, if you wanted to avoid getting hurt over and over again. So he just pretended as if half naked Jesse Custer literally sitting on top of him didn't result in more than just a bit of twitching of his cock.

“I guess...” Jesse replied looking a bit defeated.

Again there was silence between them. Cassidy was very aware of Jesse's hands on his chest and his arse very close to his crotch. There was something Jesse was bound to notice, if he didn't resolve this situation immediately!

“I know me body is irresistible, can't blame ye, padre. But I think we should maybe first date before we get to the sinning.” He chuckled quietly when Jesse cursed. “Oh shit...sorry.”

They lay on the bed in awkward silence, before Jesse sighed loudly and spoke up again. “Nightmares started again like a month ago. Normally I can take them. It's not a big deal...I'm used to them. It's just...”

Cassidy turned his head to look at his friend. Jesse looked sad. It was genuine, proper sadness which he had never seen on his face before. Normally Jesse's expression was empathy or concern but not this kind of sadness that made you feel like someone had ripped out your heart and slowly put it through the meat grinder while laughing diabolically.

“What are the dreams about?”, Cassidy asked quietly. He didn't want to pressure Jesse but he somehow had the feeling that the other man needed a bit of a push.

And then Jesse told him about his childhood, about the old hag in Angelville, about Jody and T.C, about the murder of his friend Billy-Bob and about the coffin. Cassidy felt like finding that place and burning it to the ground. And then Jesse started to talk about his father and Cassidy could feel the mood shifting immediately. Something in Jesse's voice had change and Cassidy again turned his head to look at Jesse, but all he saw was the back of his head.

Cassidy slowly sat up, carefully placed his hand onto Jesse's arm and to his surprise Jesse let it happen. He didn't pull back. He could feel him tremble slightly and then he knew for sure. Jesse was crying and was trying to hide it from him.

Cassidy considered their boundaries for a split second and then showed them the finger and send them to hell. He moved closer to Jesse and carefully pulled his head into his lap. He put one hand into his hair and the other onto Jesse's shoulder, just holding him. And Jesse let it happen. If Cassidy didn't know better, he would say that he felt Jesse's head press ever so slightly against his hand, as if he was craving the touch.

Cassidy wasn't sure how long they stayed like this but he didn't care much either way. Jesse started talking again, his voice was raspy and more of a whisper. It sounded more like a confession to Cassidy's ears and for Jesse it probably was one.

“It's my fault. I killed him. I prayed for his death.”

“I think not even yer God works like that, Jesse”, Cassidy had answered thoughtfully and both fell silent again.

Jesse had stopped crying some time ago, but Cassidy still held onto him. Subconsciously he had started to move his hand soothingly through Jesse's hair. Jesse had closed his eyes some time ago, his face was neutral, maybe even a bit more relaxed than usual. But maybe that was all just wishful thinking from his part, though. He loved this man so much.

Cassidy closed his eyes and cursed inwardly. He cursed and cursed and cursed a bit more. He couldn't be falling for his best friend. He just couldn't. Well it's a wee bit too late for that.

Cassidy took his hand out of Jesse's hair immediately. He couldn't destroy this. He couldn't break the one good thing in his life with his stupid feelings.

“I better... go for a kip now, too”, he said hastily and somehow managed to free himself from the handful of Jesse on his lap. He scooted over to the end of the bed, when a hand closed around his wrist. Cassidy stopped in his movement and held his breath. When he looked around he saw that Jesse had turned onto his back, but he was looking towards the window. In disbelieve he let his eyes wander from Jesse's body, to his shoulder, to his arm and finally to where his hand was wrapped about Cassidy's wrist.

Cassidy forgot how to breathe while he kept staring at Jesse's hand that touched his tattooed, unworthy, filthy wrist. He wanted to cry but pulled himself together. He wasn't sure what Jesse wanted him to do and he was convinced that Jesse didn't know either. So when Cassidy moved his hand to loosen the grip, he saw disappointment flicker over Jesse's face. Without much resistance he let go of his wrist but Cassidy only moved his hand along Jesse's arm until their hands were aligned and he loosely intertwined his fingers with Jesse's giving him the option to pull away. But he didn't. Instead he tightened his grip and Cassidy exhaled a shaky breath. He lay back down onto his side of the bed again and allowed himself to smile.

He didn't know what would happen next. He just knew that for the first time in forever he felt genuinely happy. He could feel Jesse's hand in his, he was surrounded by his scent and Jesse wanted him to stay, wanted him around. This feeling, the feeling of absolute happiness, he didn't know how long it would last. Cassidy knew that they overstepped the boundaries of friendship but he didn't care. For once, he had been a good friend. He had done what mates do and maybe even a bit more. But man, it was worth it.