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The camera cuts to several contestants backstage, reading for their performance’s.
“You know, I genuinely think I could win.” Says one very dripped out dude to a woman with too much eyelashes.
“Honey, You can try, but you won’t beat me.” Says the woman. They laugh as if their acts aren’t going to be cut from the recording altogether.
We then cut to another contestants interview,
“I think if I won I would probably buy my mom a new car.” Says young man in a SnapBack cap.
“I would buy me a cat.” Speaks a small boy, barely even born yesterday.
“I would simply purchase MrBeast.” Said a ragged looking dude before an officer in the background spots him and he is escorted from the premises.
Cut to judges. “It’s a lot of money on the line,” says Howie as the footage shows contestants worried backstage. “It’s gotta be stressful.”
“Shut the fuque up Howie Mandel, from the hit Television program, Deal of No Deal.” Says Simon, loading his pistol.
A man walks out on stage, it’s SnapBack cap guy from earlier.
The crowd applauds the arrival of another lamb for the slaughter.
“HIIIIIIII!!!” Says Heidi.
“H-hello.” Speaks the mysterious man.
“What’s your name?” Asks the woman further.
“My name is Jordandale Peters Von Nebrounzwich.”
“And where are you from?”
“Uh—well I’m living in Detroit
currently—“
Terry is heard trying to run to the golden buzzer, but is detained by the buzz-fuzz.
“But me and my family are originally Afghanistan.” The crowd gasps and like, sounds sad. As American knows, Afghanistan is not America, therefore sad.
“What brought you to the colonies, ‘ol chap?” Said Simon, brandishing his flaying knife.
“Well, my mom—“ Jordandale stops to inhale aggressively.
“She uh, got shot.” Crowd gasps. “We just, we couldn’t keep living that life, you know?”
Oh great, we’re getting his backstory now.
Cut to footage of his family in Afghan. Jordandale narrates,
“Growing up in a war torn country, it does things to you, man.”
Photos of his gran and grau show up.
“When I was just 5 I saw my grandma beat the hell out of my grandpa because he had cancer, and cancer could get you killed, and dying was for the Taliban and not him.”
A photo of his grandmas mugshot appears, then to an image of his father.
“Then my dad, bless his soul, he shot himself…”
A photo of his dad in the crowd right now looking confused.
“No, not that dad, my mom’s Male Mistress, my real dad, Franzl. Poor bastard got a cap in his cap. His dying wish was to not have cancer anymore. And also to not live in Afghanistan anymore. And also for his third wife, Sue, to stop trying to get with his mate Tim because it would just be really awkward and annoying if she did.”
Cut to photo labeled “Tim and Sue,” in which Tim and Sue are wearing matching shirts that say “You were ugly Ahh hell Franzl😂😂😂!!!!”
Cut back to Jordandale backstage talking to the interviewers.
“Just when things couldn’t get worse, my brother got cancer. It was awful, by far the worst point in my life. But it was then that I learned of my passion for Magic. Magicians can make things disappear, so I made my entire brother disappear so I didn’t have to see all that. On the road to where I am, I wouldn’t have turned towards magic as a full time career if it wasn’t for my mom. She was shot by my step sisters crazy ass girlfriend Brinkley Penny. That’s when I realised I had to take magic seriously. Because I ain’t never avarcadavared a bitch as hard as that, let me tell you.”
Cut to a photo of Brinkley in the hospital with the cartoonish full body cast as she flips off the camera.
“When my mom made the choice to come to America, I just knew that this was when I would take my magic seriously. This was my moment.”
He’s doing card flips and shit, idk what do you want from me.
“Winning would mean everything to me,” He says, as we finally, after thirty and a half minutes of backstory, get to see his act.
“I would buy my mom a house. She never had a house growing up because her dad kicked her out for being too gangrenous.”
“Well,” says Simon, cocking his shotgun. “Good luck.”
The crowd cheers as the act begins. “What I have here is a card.” Says Jordandale.
“Simon, I want you to hold this card.”
Simon puts down his C-RAM and takes the card.
“Don’t tell me what’s on the card, but show it to Sophia.”
Simon does what Jordandale said and Sophia catches on fire.
“Now Sophia, I’m going to need you to think of a number.” She cannot answer, for she had been engulfed in flames.
“Got your number?” Jordandale continues fruitlessly.
“Great. Now Heidi—“ Heidi is doing the hand binoculars thing she does, even though Jordandale is three feet infront of her.
“Think of a date, any date, when you last were joyful.”
“Got it.”
“And finally Howie—“
“Yes?” Says the bald man.
“I need you to give me your wallet.”
“Okay—“ he does as told. “Now what?” Canadian bald asks.
“Now Simon, you only shared that card with Sophia, correct?”
“Yes.”
“And I haven’t seen it.”
“Indeed.”
“So, how would I know this?” A board on stage flips over and reveals a Queen of diamonds. “Is that your card?”
“No—“
“It is! Now Sophia—“
“But it wasn’t my card, I have an ace—“
“Sophia, I asked you to think of any number,” the ashes of the slay diva queen do not reply.
“So, is your number—perhaps, this?”
The second board flips to a zebra. The crowd loses it. The ashes do not react.
“Now Heidi, you had a date.”
“Yes, December 13th 2004. It was when I found the necranomacon in my basement and gained the power of eternal life.”
The third board flips, it’s a photo of Obama. The crowd is ripping each other apart.
“And Howie,” But Jordandale never finished his sentence.
“But my wallet—“ Howie says.
“Shut the fuck up Howie Mandel from Fast and the Furious*.” Says Simon.
Jordandale bows on stage before crying and saying how his mother actually died last year (of cancer) and that he’s just so glad to be here. Howie tries and fails to speak, as Simon is now suplexing the golden buzzer.
Backstage we see that his dying sister, Bonishia (who has cancer) is cheering and crying because her brother Jordandale finally did something with his useless ass life.
*Because he is bald, like Vin Diesel.