Chapter Text
There was a gaping maw in his chest where his heart should be. It festered and ached and was such a foreign feeling. But it was familiar all the same.
The feeling of loss.
It clawed at Kai. Scraping away at his insides like the heat of the forge melted away the rough edges of metal. Leaving him raw and hot with grief.
It’s not the first time Kai had lost someone. He’d held his family closer than anything. Just him, Nya, and his parents. Carefree. Happy. Until his parents had vanished without word. No signs before they were gone. He’d checked. Over and over. Because there had to be some sign they would leave. Some reason. Some fault. But Kai couldn’t agonize over it. He still had his little sister to watch over. Had to keep their lives going. Keep their family functioning. Even if it was split in half.
He shoves down the loss deep in his chest. Somewhere dark and quiet. He couldn’t let it control him. The extent of it was in his short temper.
Yet time healed wounds, even buried ones. The loss faded. He grew up. Nya grew up. And oh she was so smart. He should have done more. Given her the proper chance to do more in life. Then he became a ninja. And his family grew.
And things were okay.
He was surrounded by warmth, beyond just his flame. Through his sister. His brothers. His sensei. With them. Everything felt okay. He even held the hope. That maybe. His parents hadn’t abandoned him and Nya. That Kai and his sister were enough for them. That they had no choice but to leave. They aren’t gone. They’d come back.
In the end. He didn’t hold the loss of his parents for long. He had no time. And too much hope.
But not now.
There was no hope. No hope Zane lived. It’d be an insult to his memory if Kai tried to wish it away as a lie. The least he could do was remember the truth.
Zane was dead. Sacrificed himself. To save them all.
It should have been him. How could he fail to save his brother. How could let him take the burden. Kai should’ve taken the burden like always. It should have been him it should’ve beenhimitshouldvebeenhimitshouldvebeenhim.
Ninjago mourned him. Honored him. Kai followed the motions as the proceedings went on. He knew the others were grieving too. He should be there for them. But his chest ached and he clutched his shirt tighter and tighter, his fingers joining the pain.
He gave the speech at the very least. During the unveiling of the statue for Zane. He couldn’t put the weight on any of the other’s shoulders.
Kai still takes the time to gaze upon the statue. And every time his fists clench in anger. Not at Zane. Never at Zane. But at himself. Useless. How could you let Zane, your friend, your brother, lose himself. It should have been you. He should have been the one to bear the burden. Been the one to protect his family. To prevent it from dwindling again. Because Zane’s death broke them. It festered and splintered and spread. Grief had a way of taking. And taking. And takingandtakingandtaking.
They all grieved on their own. Kai should have kept tabs on his brothers. On his sister. On Sensei Wu and Garmadon. But he was already a failure. And he just kept falling short.
Timed moved without Kai realizing. He’d stay stagnant at the bounty. And god the first few days were the worst. The silence after his death. It was suffocating. Kai stayed in his room. Ignoring how the others chose to grieve. He couldn’t face any of them. He had no right.
So he didn’t realize. When the break pushed them all away.
Kai hadn’t been the first to leave. He’d finally come out of his room just a few times. To wallow in the memory of Zane. His room. Marks he’d left with his shurikens. His spot at the table. The others had come too. To eat in the silence. And for the first time in ages Kai heard one of them speak.
“We should-“ It was Lloyd. Trying to speak but stilted. Working out how to break the careful tension. “We should start training again. We can’t stay still forever. Zane- Zane would want us to keep moving.” Lloyd had dropped his voice for the last part.
Nobody spoke for a moment. Lloyd fidgeted as he waited. Kai noticed how his hands twisted the chopsticks around anxiously.
Kai wasn’t sure what to say. How could they move on so soon after Zane had- after what happened. Just the though made his chest stutter.
There was a heavy sigh. And Kai shifted his gaze to Jay.
“Yeah. Cause ninja don’t get a break. Don’t need time to grieve.” Jay didn’t look up as he said it. Just kept stirring his noodles around. A deep frown on his face.
Kai couldn’t make sense of it. Jay wasn’t one to be pessimistic. And Kai ached even more mentally hitting himself. Jay was grieving. They all were. Kai just drowned himself so far in his own grief he couldn’t take the time to see how his brothers fared. He still continued to fail. To fall short.
Cole spoke up then. “Jay- Lloyd isn’t- he’s not- he’s not saying that- He’s just.”
“He is! We can’t slow down! Ninja never quit right?”
Jay cut Cole off. His voice raising as he went. He’d put down his chopsticks now. Looking straight at Cole. Kai could see the tension in Jay’s eyes. He should say something. Anything. To just. Stop this.
He didn’t want to see his family arguing like this. Didn’t want the break to split them farther. But his throat closed up. This is your fault. Zane could handle this. He was the mediator. But he’s gone. Because you failed. Failed to be the one.
“Jay I wasn’t- ” Lloyd tried speaking. Trying to deescalate. Cole threw his hands up effectively cutting him off.
“Yeah. Ninja don’t quit. We all knew what we were getting into. Zane did too. And the least we can do is keep up his memory-” Cole was agitated. He and Jay never did resolve the tension they had before all this.
Another failure on Kai’s part. He should have been helping them sort their problems. It had been over his sister for FSM’s sake. It was his job to mediate. To make sure that they-
Jay stood up then. Slamming his hands on the table with a bang. Jolting Kai out from his thoughts.
“Then I guess we really can’t agree on anything! Zane was the last thing we agreed on. And he’s gone. And so am I.”
Kai snapped his eyes quickly to Jay, barely sputtering and finally making some noise at his outburst. Was he-? Did he just-?
Lloyd got up frantic.
“Jay wait. What do you mean-”
“I quit. I’m done. I don’t want any part of this. And I can’t deal with him anymore.” Jay sneere out the last part roughly pointing towards Cole.
He left the room. And he was gone.
He’ll- he’ll come back. Surely.
He didn’t.
They splintered from there. He couldn’t watch his family all abandon each other like this. Come on Kai. Do something. You're supposed to be the one to hold them all together. To protect them.
Kai couldn’t stay. He left the bounty with little word.
He made sure to tell Nya at least. He wouldn’t leave her in the dark. He wasn't his parents. Wouldn’t make the same mistakes.
Kai holed up in a dingy apartment in Ninjago. The walls were peeling and a pungent smell permeated the air. From the dumpster right down in the alley just a couple floors below. It’s smell seeping in through the window that didn’t close all the way. Kai paid little mind to it as he roughly set his single box of belongings down.
He didn’t bother bringing much. He’d left in a haze anyways. Just a couple of clothes. And items he cherished. Photos. Oh so many photos of his family. And that was a mistake.
The first item greeting him in the box was one of the first photos they’d all taken when he’d joined the team. All in their original gis and looking younger, Lloyd still the runt, and all of them filled with pride and hope. And Zane’s smile now looked back at Kai as a haunting reminder.
He’s gone. It should have been you. And a surge goes through him. White hot and grief filled rage rising in him and being vocalized in a yell. And he’s thrown the picture without care hearing the glass of the frame shatter.
Kai tugs and pulls at his hair achingly as he stares unseeing. “What went so wrong. How did it come to this.” He’s muttering in his despair. And he sees the picture frame shattered against the wall. His arms drop to his sides as his chest moves with every heavy breath he takes. He picks out the picture from the shattered frame with shaking hands. He winces when a glass shard nicks his hand. The photo he holds now starts to run red with the blood as it pools from his hand.
The red seeping further over the picture. And Kai just watches. His hands tremble faintly. He needed to do something. He couldn’t sit still. He didn’t deserve to sit idly in grief. The blood blooming from his finger barely registered as pain. Simply a distraction. And an idea sparked in his mind at the sight of the red. He always did focus best in a fight. But crime in Ninjago wouldn’t be enough. Wouldn’t be enough to atone for his complete inability to simply do his duty. He needed more. He needed to see more red. To feel like he was doing anything at all. Like his actions actually made some mark.
Kai rolled out of the way in a rush, barely dodging the full body slam from his lumbering opponent. He hadn’t bothered to try to hear the name over the crowd’s roars. Too distracted taking in the sight of the man. Seriously this guy was comparable to the great devourer with how huge he was. He even had the scaly peeling skin like the beast. His bald head inked with intricate patterns. Clearly been in this wrung of the city a while.
“Missed me again.” Kai taunted him, yelling loudly to ensure his voice projected to the far reaching crowd.
Had to give the crowd a good show. That’s what he did best anyways right. He was the flamboyant showman. Who always cares for his looks and wants attention.
He failed in his other duty. He had to make it up somewhere.
The crowd roared louder yelling out cheers and insults and bets on the fight. Kai couldn’t make sense of their words as his adrenaline pumped and he moved rapidly to the side as the knock off snake charged yet again.
“Whoa! Almost had me!”
That earned Kai a loud war cry of rage as the dance continued on. He’d grown accustomed to the same rinse and repeat of the fights in the pit over the last few months. Always one opponent after the other believing their brute force would outmatch him. The perfect place for Kai to let loose and always find another fight. Another distraction. Another excuse not to face reality.
The pit was always on the ninjas’ radar in the past. Though they let it be since more often than not they got useful information from one of its many branches within the city. Some information broker or simple fighter having intel on their latest mission.
Sensei Wu had always told them the city needed its own balance. With the ninja protecting the city from threats in the day. And the silent brutal fights being contained at night. Lloyd had been averse. Saying they shouldn’t turn a blind eye. Well, Kai wasn’t complaining. It made the perfect place for him.
He’s knocked from his musings when his knock off snake gets a bit too close. Kai vaults over the bald man’s shoulders with ease and even lands a good kick to the head buying him some time to face the crowd. Kai spreads his arms wide and puts on a show.
Something else he learned. After his first few fights ended up being too boring. And. Too much rage. Too much grief. He’d beat his opponents brutally. Punching and punching. Drowning in his grief as he seized them with little fanfare. He need to see red. No care for how they ended up. How injured they were. Always ending the match fast but bloody. And too quick. The crowd hadn’t wanted him back in the ring often. Said his fights were too quick. Too predictable. Not worth the money. So he crafted his own persona.
“The Red Shogun won’t be stopped!” Kai puffs his chest out and yells his often used battle cry. The crowd adores it. Though Kai still cringes internally every time. Even the outfit he wore was more reminiscent of a wrestler than his usual gi. Yet the crowd loved it. So he kept with it. If only to stop them from kicking him out.
Kai quickly turned back to knock off snake and leaped overhead. Really living up to his wrestler aesthetic he brought his elbow down hard on the man’s stomach. Kai felt the body give way and jerk as he hit just the right angle to make the man wheeze and curl in on himself coughing harshly. And then Kai is up looking down at his opponent still on the ground trying to catch his breath.
He winces a bit. Maybe he’d been a bit too harsh with that. Seeing the large man on his side clutching his stomach, he looked so much smaller than he had earlier. He’s had trouble reining in his strength lately. Always so lost in the motions. Letting the fight lead him. Because if he stopped to think. He’d remember how he failed.
Kai keeps his distance and makes his signature pose as he waits for the referee to make the countdown to call the match.
“Good match. But the Red Shogun is fiyaaa!” Kai turns to the crowd flexing his muscles mentally counting down until he’s declared the winner. But. There’s no announcement. And the crowd is silent.
Kai tenses immediately but isn’t sure what’s happening. The referee should have called the match by now. And Kai turns and sees the man still prone on the ground. But he grins with his teeth bloodied from the match. As he half sits up to look at Kai.
“Fire will go out. Tonight.” The man’s got a deep voice fitting of his frame and a thick accent. Kai took a second to understand him. But even then he didn’t know what he meant. What had he missed? How had he messed up again? He wasn’t ready for the punch that swipes across his face.
Kai is flung to the side and barely catches his footing. He whips his head to the offender and someone else has entered the arena. A more average built man but the same gang like appearance with a leather jacket and ink all along his arms and neck. And another with chains lining his outfit enters the ring helping knock off snake, back up.
And Kai is facing down three opponents now. The crowd’s cheering goes wild as the referee announces the change in plans.
“Can the undefeated Red Shogun beat three opponents at once?? Let’s test his fire power!!”
Kai’s ears are ringing now. And he feels the hot wet liquid running down the side of his head. He carefully reaches a hand up and feels the rough slit along the edge of the side of his forehead. How the hell had they cut skin with that. Kai darts his eyes over and spots the iron knuckles on leather jacket’s hands. Of course. Great.
Kai wipes the blood off as best he can from his eyes. But soon he can’t tell if the red in his vision is from the blood. Or his rage.
Knock off snake, leather jacket, and chains all circle around Kai. He’s breathing heavy. His vision obscured by the blood. Barely able to hear over the crowd roaring to see more blood. His blood.
He should have seen this coming. Should have been prepared. How had he gotten into this mess.
His breathing picked up as he still tried to keep track of his opponents. Everything was starting to twist and turn though. And a pain was radiating out from the cut on his head. It felt like his head was squeezing itself. Concussion. He could still win. He couldn’t back down. Kai hadn’t stepped up then. And Zane didn’t back down. Had faced the Overlord. And lost his life for it. Kai had no right to complain over three opponents.
“Ohh little red man trembling. He will be crushed into little red puddle.” Knock off snake taunted him. But Kai held his ground in the middle of the circle. Really he couldn’t figure out which was real and which was a double image.
And then, leather jacket charges. His iron knuckles glint in the harsh lighting and Kai uses the beacon for what it is. Ducking away from the straight punch, keeping his arms close to his chest and going for a quick jab to the man’s stomach. But he’s kicked from behind and he lurches forward.
He stumbles to one knee and turns quickly making out Chains coming at him again before his head once again loses focus from the quick turn. He has to shut his eyes as everything spins. Chains takes the chance to punch Kai roughly on the cheek and he’s flung to the side. Fully on the ground now.
Shit. He just- he just needs a moment. To breathe. Kai puts his hand down and picks himself up a bit. He spits the blood from his mouth and it comes out in a mess in front of him. And he just. Sits there looking at the puddle. Breathes still heavy and ragged. He seems himself in the reflection. Looking a mess. And the blood still dribbling from his mouth makes ripples in the puddle. Obscuring his face once more.
Keep. Moving.
It’s Zane’s voice he hears. Telling him to get up. To keep going. And Kai has no choice but to listen. So he gets up. Back to his feet. And readies himself.
“Oho little man still wants more? We do more.” Knock off snake pounds his chest and grins widely as he stares down Kai. Leather jacket and Chains by his side ready themselves and the three charge at Kai coming in from wide angles.
Kai moves. It’s messy. He lands his hits more often than not. And takes many as well. He plays dirty. Yanking at Chains’ chains and throwing him off balance. He ends up tearing the chains loose from his pants and uses it to snap at Chains’ legs. He’s down.
Kai is rammed to the side then, the chains flung from his hands. He grabs on to knock off snake and swings himself around and up to his back. Knock off snake is yelling at Kai and trying to grab at him. But his arms just can’t reach. Kai rears back and aims right for the head of the snake tattoo at the back of knock off snake’s neck. The punch lands roughly and Kai jumps off him as he lurches forward.
Kai barely lands his footing. Stumbling as he does. He can’t quite fine his balance. Everything swaying and shifting. He holds his arms out on instinct to hold himself up. Everything is heavy. He still breathes harshly. So much more blood covers him. Not all of it his.
Almost. Just a bit more.
And it’s only by muscle memory he leans back and grabs the knuckled hand approaching from his side.
“Won’t work twice,” he slurs out what he wanted to be a taunt but it falls flat.
He makes up for it by gripping leather jacket’s sleeve and spinning him roughly tossing him to the side and into the barrier between them and th crowd. The jacket flies off the guy and still remains in Kai’s hand.
The man groans on the ground looking even more like he’s from whatever gang knock off snake is from too, with the snake tattoo curing around the edges of his skin visible from the tank top without the leather jacket.
Kai hunches over. The three opponents down. Trying to catch his breath and his body starting to tune back in the pain of his injuries. The second he hears the referee call the match as his victory Kai wants to leave. Get away from the loud crowd. The bright lights. Get away from it all. And rest.
Come on now. You’ve got a new role. A showman. Don’t fail this too. Give them a show. Or are you too useless even for that?
He musters up his strength and looks up. Raising his chest best he can. It’s a poor attempt. But it’s the best he can do.
“Didn’t your mama ever warn you not to play with me?” It’s a line he’d used often but it does the job. As he gets some oohs from the crowd. And he notices he’s still holding the leather jacket. He lifts it up. And lights his fire. Watching as it burns before tossing the smoldering heap to the ground. The crowd loves it. And Kai leaves quickly after that.
Kai roughly opens the doors to the back exit from the bar. The quiet is jarring. But it’s a breath of fresh air. As a good a breath can be in an alley full of garbage anyways.
He leans heavily against the wall. Most of his injuries weren’t nearly as bad as they felt. Just bruising and some cuts. The worst had been the first blow to his head. It still ached horribly. He really needed to get home. The ringing in his ears was getting worse. A constant shrill noise. Making his head pound and pulse over and over.
Oh. It was his phone. He pulls it out. Nya. He sighs heavily. He should get back hom- back to his apartment. It wasn’t home. Not really. And call her back later. You can’t leave hanging like that. You already left her on her own. To go beat people up every night. She deserves to hear you call. Unless you want to leave without a trace. Abandon her like-
He picks up the phone.
“Hey sis. What’s u-“
“Kai! Where were you today? I stopped by your apartment and you weren’t there. And don't tell me you’re still going to the Slither Pit.”
Kai stayed quiet. He could hear the worry laced in the anger. He knew she was worried. But he didn’t know any other way to handle this.
“Nya- What else am I meant to do? I need to. I can’t just sit in my apartment every night-“
There’s a heavy sigh from Nya’s end.
“I’m worried about you Kai. I have been for a while. This isn’t healthy. It’s not helping you. Please just. Just try something else? I don’t- I don’t want to see you get hurt like this.”
An ache goes through his chest. Maybe. Maybe he should just- What? Sit at home? Go to therapy? Live your life? What gives you the right? His breath stutters out.
“I can’t. I need this.”
Nya is quiet for a long moment. And each second that goes by more and more fatigued washes over Kai. The fight is getting to him.
“Then just- I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to see you destroying yourself. And me being here to help you patch up is just encouraging it. So- if- Until you’ve got this sorted out just- just- don’t contact me.”
He stops breathing and a jolt goes through his body.
“What?” It’s barely a whisper.
“You know where I’m at. So- if you stop with the pit then come see me. But I just can’t see you like this. Knowing you’re still doing this to yourself. You’re my brother. I know how stubborn you are. But please. Just try.”
Kai splutters and tries to question what she means. Why Nya can’t just let him be and still keep in contact. He gets no response. And he pulls the phone away from his ear to see she’d ended the call. He tries calling back. It goes straight to voicemail. She’d blocked him.
He’s frozen. Standing there for the moment.
Finally he shakily types out a message to her. That he’s sorry. He’ll try to be better. So just. Wait until tomorrow and he’ll be over to see her. The message doesn’t deliver. But it sits there. Waiting to be sent once she unblocks him.
Kai shuts his phone and tucks it away. And slowly pushes himself off the alley wall. He needs to get back to his apartment.
He’s barely taken one step. And the back doors of the bar joined to the pit open with a slam. Kai snaps his gaze over and out comes knock off snake, chains, and leather jacket. The latter carrying his ashen and ruined jacket with clear anger in his snarl.
“You ruin what is his. So we ruin you.” Knock off snake takes the lead. Looking more eager to have another go at Kai than angry for his friend’s jacket.
Chains rushes in first landing a kick to Kai’s side and knocking him down. His phones flies from his pockets and smashes on the cold hard floor of the alley. Kai rolls then getting back up. But he’s too sluggish. And Leather Jacket rushes in from the side punching Kai in the chest. The iron knuckles doing their job and he wheezes as he bends over. He backs up best he can. But knock off snake is charging him now.
Kai dodges the fist but it grazes his arm and he winces as he stumbles to catch himself on the wall. He hits his head harshly. On the brick. Everything was spinning even more so. The three are closing in closer and closer. The single light in the alley backlights them, obscuring his view. And he can hardly distinguish them, his vision swimming and the voices muffling from the ringing, actually from his head this time. There he was. Cornered in an alley. His possession scattered on the floor. And about to meet his end.
Useless. Weak. A failure. You’re seriously about to be done in by some thugs. No wonder Zane had to step in where you failed. It should have been you.
And Kai screams. Because everything was just too much. And his fire responds. It bursts out from his entire being. Spreading and lashing out at the walls and at his opponents. He doesn’t hear them yell and shout as they’re singed. Doesn’t see them run off from the fire. Doesn’t register when he’s sliding further down the wall before falling entirely.
He blinks and he’s on the ground. The world sideways as he looks with half lidded eyes. His head aches horribly. And the fire is still going too strong. Out of his control. It’s starting to singe his clothes some. With how strong it burns.
How had he ended up here? How had he been reduced to this? Why was he so useless? Zane gone. His family torn apart. His sister not speaking with him.
He was on the verge of losing consciousness. His fire finally snuffed out, leaving his singe marks in the alley and on him. His eyes flutter as he tries in vain to hold them open. And just before they do finally shut. He has a final thought.
Sorry. Sorry I wasn’t enough. Sorry I failed you.
And he’s dead to the world.
For the next time he awoke. Kai would be gone.