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“He’s a loose cannon… he’s just like you. In fact if you hadn’t gone to him in the first place— if you hadn’t disobeyed orders and your brother would still be— god.”
The words of his father just mere minutes ago rang through Lo’ak’s head like it was never ending.
It’s your fault. It’s your fault that your brother is dead. Never to come back. It’s your fault.
Lo’ak’s thoughts were endless. His tears burned in his eyes as he felt the cold metal of the gun below his chin and his thumb hesitating to press down on the trigger.
No one would care if I died. I’m the cause of everyone’s pain anyways.
If he hadn’t gone deeper into the forest as his father told him countless times not to— they would’ve still been home. The Metkayina wouldn’t have been battling the RDA. Neteyam would still be alive.
His mother wouldn’t have been in mourning. He could still hear her muffled cries during the night as guilt tugged at his heart pretending to be asleep. Her eyes had looked hollowed and dead for weeks. Most of the time she hadn’t been speaking. Just still and silent.
His father didn’t show much emotion. Only a stern expression that he masked upon his face to hide the pain of losing his firstborn. He took it out on Lo’ak sometimes but all he could was just stay silent and not cause more trouble.
Kiri and Spider distracted themselves. Kiri had a peaceful aura to her— she wasn’t fully over Neteyam’s death but she knew he was with Eywa. That he was protected and safe. The thing she hated the most was that she didn’t know if she’ll ever be able to see him again.
Tuk was confused. Confused at why mom rarely spoke. At why dad didn’t smile anymore. She clinged onto Lo’ak more lately. The fear of losing another brother tugged deeply at her heart.
The Metkayina suffered a few losses during the battle and it weighed heavily on them.
He could still feel the Tsahik blame his family for the misfortune brought upon them. After Neteyam’s death, she was easier on them and accepted the fact that they were Metkayina now.
His mind drifted to Tsireya.
Her beautiful smile and soft voice replayed constantly in his mind. Guilt thrashed in his gut at leaving her behind.
He would never tell her how much he liked her. How much her presence soothed him. The way he could feel her warmth even when she’s not near. The way her dimples popped up whenever she smiled. How much every mere touch of hers nearly sent him into a panic. A good panic. There was so many times he thought he would explode from the butterflies in his stomach.
Even if he had known her for only a couple of months— he feels as though he had known her forever.
He was about to pull the trigger, yet he yearned for her. Yearned for her presence. Yearned to hear her soft voice filling his ears.
He wouldn’t know how her lips felt against his. Or how they would mate. How their children would look… he had thought of it all.
All of it.
Was he in love with Tsireya? Was it possible?
When his dad spoke about love— Lo’ak could see the hope and light within his dad’s eyes.
Jake had been a human, yet his soulmate was on a whole other planet and he managed to find his way to her.
Lo’ak had dreamed to find a love that strong like his parents did too.
The realization hit him hard.
He already did.
The love was Tsireya.
Is Tsireya.
The gun kept shaking in his palms as sobs racked through him. He could even feel Neteyam. Neteyam would yell at him. Scream at him for doing something so stupid. But pull him into his arms to the point where Lo’ak can’t breathe and feel safe.
He tossed the gun aside with loud grunt as the tears continued to flow down his face.
What was I thinking?
He would’ve caused more pain. More suffering. It would’ve been nice to be with Eywa and Neteyam but his family needed him. Tsireya needed him. Payakan needed him.
He needed to keep living even if he didn’t have the energy to.
I have to keep going.
“Lo’ak!”
Tsireya.
He could hear two pairs of steps rushing towards him in the sand as he was still knelt down upon the sand.
“Brother!”
Kiri.
No, they can’t find me like this.
Shame overcame him at the feeling of them finding him like this. If he had pulled the trigger— the two of them would’ve found him dead lying in a pool of his own blood. Tsireya would’ve had to witness another Sully boy die and Kiri would’ve seen another brother dead.
His eyes would’ve been forever shut. Never to open again.
“Lo’ak!” Tsireya had shouted once more as the girls knelt down beside him on each side of his.
Tsireya clung onto him tightly with tears already pooling in her eyes as her breaths were ragged.
Guilt yet again tugged at his heart.
I hate seeing her cry… and it’s because of me.
Kiri turned to see the gun in the sand just a few feet away from them and realization struck her face. Dread was only present as she quickly turned back to Lo’ak and grabbed his face in her hands.
“Stay in this life, brother,” Kiri’s own eyes filled with tears as well— the thought of Lo’ak dead brought immense fear in her, “We need you.”
They all needed him. Even if his presence felt like a bother— they still needed him.
“We love you.”
The outcast? The freak? The troublemaker? The disappointment? Tsireya loved him? She loved him?
Relief overcame him slowly. She didn’t hate him. She loved him as he loved her.
“You have greatness in you.” Kiri pulled him into her arms as Tsireya clutched his hand tightly. So tight to the point where she was afraid he would slip away from her.
Her head fell low to put Lo’ak’s hand against her forehead for a mere moment. Her fingers were clutched around his wrist as she felt his pulse thud against her fingers.
He was alive. Still.
Only tears fell down his cheeks at this point. Yet the constant reminder of how much of a disappointment he was still rang through him.
“He blames me. Dad blames me for Neteyam dying. He said he saw me a few weeks ago and this whole time I thought it was true. When really he was blaming me for Neteyam’s death…” Lo’ak’s breath hitched as more tears fell down, “He’s right. Everything’s my fault. Everyone hates me—”
”No, Lo’ak! Dad doesn’t hate you! He’s just grieving in the wrong way…” Kiri trailed off as she tried to reason with him— still clinging on tightly.
“He hates me. They all do.”
“No they do not. The clan doesn’t hate you, Lo’ak. They’re strict with rules. Especially the Tulkans. Their rules go back centuries,” Tsireya tried to explain, even if she heavily disagreed with the decision on Payakan, “You are one of us. You are still brother to a Tulkan.”
“But Payakan…”
He would not hear Payakan’s songs ever again. Never feel his presence. That’s what hurt the most. Payakan had been the only one to understand Lo’ak fully.
“Your father disagreed… but I believe it to be useful,” Tsireya looked towards a bump in the sand— it had been his mother’s bow and arrow dug into it, “Your mother’s bow holds importance. To her and to you.”
Moments later, both Kiri and Tsireya had dug up the remains of his mother’s bow. It had been covered with a small sheet to keep it all together.
As it was placed between Tsireya and him— she put her hand on his heart, “The strength of the ancestors is here.”
_________
The marui was a bit tense. Especially after the argument between Jake and Lo’ak the night before. The two hadn’t spoken a word. Well, Jake attempted to speak with Lo’ak but he quickly ran off to say he needed to see Tsireya.
Lo’ak had been acting rather odd. Too odd to the point where Jake and Neytiri were questioning it the most. Yet, Kiri seemed to be the only one that knew what was going on.
Lo’ak still wasn’t back. Both Spider and Tuk were off doing something. The only ones in the marui were Kiri, Neytiri and Jake.
Kiri had been silent as she was occupied putting together a new top. Normally, she would be chatty but whenever she was in a bad mood she was silent. And it was one of those times.
Jake and Neytiri exchanged the same look. The same question rang through their head.
What was going on with Lo’ak?
They noticed the way Kiri clung tightly to Lo’ak as they came back to the marui the night before. The same clinging she did when Lo’ak hurt himself a few years ago back when they were home.
Jake hesitated to ask but Neytiri shot him a glare. It had been his fault Lo’ak ran off crying— so he would have to be doing the talking.
“Kiri?” She stopped weaving for a moment, her eyes meeting Jake’s but no smile appeared.
“Yes?”
“Why’s Lo’ak acting unusual?”
Kiri rolled her eyes, annoyance clear on her face from Jake asking that question.
“Oh, I don’t know maybe because you told him that it was his fault Neteyam is dead?” Kiri replied harshly causing Jake to let out a sigh while Neytiri sucked in a breath at the last words, “Obviously he’s going to act unusual. He was already upset about it and you made it even worse.”
He was used to Kiri acting rash whenever she’s angry but this was a different type of anger. One he couldn’t understand.
“Kiri…” Neytiri trailed off, but no other words could come out as she looked to Jake again.
“No. I mean after I-I said that. Why did he act like that? Like something happened?”
Now Kiri was silent again. Anguish flashed across her face and Jake swore he could see her start to tear up a bit.
“What is it?”
Jake waited to hear something. Anything. But Kiri wouldn’t budge. She was still. Afraid to say whatever both Jake and Neytiri wanted the answer to.
“Kiri?” Neytiri put a gentle hand on her shoulder, reminding her that she was there— that she could say whatever she was hiding and that mama was there.
“I-I…” Again Kiri hesitated.
Then the next moment Kiri burst into tears that caused Neytiri to quickly put her arms around the smaller girl, constantly asking if she was alright and what was wrong. Jake rushed forward as he was unsure what made Kiri break down in tears over a question he asked.
“What’s wrong? Babygirl tell me what happened? What happened?”
Fear clung at Jake’s heart. The same fear whenever one of his kids was in harm’s way. The same fear that ended up getting Neteyam killed at the end.
He’s safe. Lo’ak is safe. He is breathing. He’s with Tsireya. My baby boy is safe.
“Lo’ak… he tried to…” Kiri kept hiccuping through her cries as dread still pooled in Jake’s gut, “H-he had one of the guns with him. Away from the village…”
Realization struck at Jake, yet he wouldn’t believe until Kiri spoke the words. The guilt kept stabbing him in the heart as each second passed.
I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean what I said. It was my fault. Not Lo’ak’s.
Neytiri was confused. She hadn’t understand where it was going. She was concerned as to why Lo’ak had a gun with him away from the village.
It was the same confused look she had on her face when Neteyam took his last breath and didn’t wake back up after she called out his name.
“He was going to kill himself. He was going to end his life. If me and Tsireya hadn’t found him… I don’t think he’d be alive now.”
Kiri began to sob once again, while Neytiri gasped placing a hand over her mouth as Jake was nonverbal.
He tuned out both Kiri’s sobs and Neytiri’s cries as it all went down on him.
His blood ran cold as he tried to process Kiri’s words.
Lo’ak tried to kill himself. He tried to die. He was going to die because of me.
Jake hadn’t known what to say. He couldn’t. He never spoke when things like this happened.
He was thrown back in time to when he was human and on Earth. To when his life was absolutely shit. When his legs got paralyzed and he couldn’t be in the marines anymore— he suffered depression. He had no idea what to do with his life. He felt useless. Like he didn’t matter.
He had thought about killing himself several times but he never went along with it.
When Tommy died, he swore he died too. His twin brother had been the only person he had left. The person who cared the most about Jake.
Before he was going to leave to Pandora— he was going to kill himself. He felt like life wasn’t worth living anymore. He was going to kill himself with a gun too but something in him said no.
No one but Neytiri and Grace knew about it. Jake never liked to think or talk about it even till this day. He never wanted to go back to that time.
Lo’ak could’ve been dead right now.
He began to shake as fear grew rapidly in his gut.
Was Lo’ak really with Tsireya? Did he lie?
He ran.
“Ma’Jake!” Neytiri shouted after him but Jake ignored it.
He needed to look for him. For Lo’ak. For his boy. He didn’t care if he looked crazy doing it in front of the Metkayina people. He needed to look for Lo’ak. To make sure he’s alive and breathing. To tell him he’s sorry and that none of it is his fault.
“Lo’ak! Lo’ak!” He screamed his name out, his eyes looking everywhere for his boy and running as fast as he can, “Lo’ak!”
His breathing was ragged from the running and screaming but he didn’t care. He was used it. The running. Perhaps he’ll always be used to it till the day he dies.
“Jake?” He stopped as Tonowari’s concerned voice rang through his ears and he turned to him quickly.
“Lo’ak… have you seen Lo’ak?” The despair was clear in his voice that caused the Olo’eyktan concern to rise.
“He was with Tsireya. Has something happened?”
Some ounce of relief washed through him but he needed to see Lo’ak, “Where?”
“In my hut—”
He immediately ran after that. He could hear Tonowari follow after him as Jake’s thoughts were endless.
“Lo’ak!”
Relief washed over him as his sight was filled with Lo’ak crouched down weaving something with Tsireya.
He’s alive. He’s breathing. He’s safe.
“Dad?” Lo’ak’s voice came out a bit hesitant, not knowing why Jake looked so panicked— but his small voice remained Jake of when he was just a small boy.
“Lo’ak,” Jake said it more softer this time as he immediately fell down to his knees next to the boy and pulled him into a bone crushing hug, “Why? Why would you scare me like that?”
Lo’ak’s was only confused and feeling dread at time same time. He returned the hug slightly but not until he figured out what was going on, “What did I do? I didn’t do anything—”
Jake pulled away from the hug, instead cupping Loak’s face in his hands as tears pooled in his eyes. Confusion spread through Lo’ak at seeing his dad in this state.
He hadn’t remembered the last time Jake cried like this. Not even when Neteyam died. He only witnessed it a few weeks ago after Neteyam’s death.
Ronal had been near a corner watching the interaction, Tsireya had backed away a little to give them space, while Tonowari stood near the entrance as all of them watched the solemn interaction between the father and son.
“You tried to…” Jake trailed off, he didn’t even want to say the words— he didn’t even want to imagine it, “The gun. Kiri told me and your mother. How you wanted to… she said everything.”
He could see Lo’ak’s face change in a split second from confusion to anguish and embarrassment.
Both Ronal and Tonowari seemed to understand Jake— the two parents themselves looked shocked and saddened by those words. Ronal put a hand on Tsireya’s shoulder as a signal to leave the hut.
The three had left. Only leaving Lo’ak and Jake.
“I-I’m sorry, sir…” Lo’ak trailed off, already feeling as though Jake was going to scream at him for being stupid.
“What are you sorry for? There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
Again, guilt stabbed at Jake’s heart for the reaction Lo’ak had. Even in the moment of pain, Lo’ak still called him sir. Not dad. That’s one of the things that hurt the most.
Lo’ak quickly turned away from him— afraid for Jake to see his tears once more.
“It was stupid. I’m sorry. It was stupid of me—” Lo’ak kept stumbling with his words as he tried to forget his actions from the night before.
“Lo’ak! It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t!”
Lo’ak stopped panicking, the words kept ringing in his ears as his vision was blurred.
“But it was. It is my fault. If Quaritch never found us… we wouldn’t here. Neteyam would still be alive. The Metkayina would be at peace. Everyone would be at peace. I’m a burden.”
“No, you’re not, son,” Jake started to tear once more, the fact that Lo’ak felt that way about himself made him to break down, “You’re not. The day you were born… It was one of the happiest days of my life. Still is. The moment I held you in my arms the world stopped. That moment you opened your eyes, I bawled into tears. It felt like I knew you for a lifetime. That you were a missing piece to my heart. Once you were born, it was filled. Little Neteyam held out his hand and you grabbed one of his fingers. You let out a laugh the second you two touched. I already knew how you were gonna turn out before you even babbled out your first word or took a first step. You were me. You remind me so much of myself when I was around your age and it scares me. It scares me all the time. I was reckless and almost got myself killed multiple times. That’s why I’m so hard on you. Because you remind me too much of myself and I-I get so scared that you’ll be dead. That you’ll be dead and it’s my fault. My actions got your brother killed. I said I could protect you guys and I was wrong. If one you die… I don’t know how I would live with myself. I should be the one saying sorry. Not you. Lo’ak, you’re not a burden. You’re one of the greatest things in my life.”
At that point, the two were full on crying as Jake’s words cut deep in Loak’s chest.
We are one and the same.
”I won’t do it again, dad. I promise.”
Both Neytiri and Kiri came rushing in— the tears on Neytiri’s face present as she let out a small cry at seeing Lo’ak.
“Lo’ak!” She rushed towards him as she crouched down next to the two and pulled him into her— the same way Jake did, “Why? Why, my son? Why? You were going to leave me?”
She was crying the same way she did when Neteyam died— her motherly instincts were times a hundred at that point.
“I’m sorry, mom. I’m sorry.” He cried into her shoulder, feeling like a child again as he clutched Neytiri tightly.
“You are so loved. So loved, Lo’ak. Never forget that. Never.”