Chapter Text
Chapter 1: The Ritual
(It was a busy day at SP Elementary. All the children were working hard and were enjoying themselves. All except Clyde. He was feeling annoyed after the bet with Sheila was deleted and that all the money he spent on it went to waste and wanted to go back to ranting about it on his podcasts like he did a few days ago. One day, he spoke to Heidi & Wendy about it.)
Clyde: (sighs) Oh, it’s not fair!
Wendy: What isn’t fair?
Clyde: The whole bet with Kyle’s mother being taken down after all the hard earned cash we spent paying for it! It’s insulting!
Heidi: Come on now, Clyde, I’m sure your life will get better soon. After all, this town does work in mysterious ways.
Clyde: (pulls out his phone) Oh, what do you know, Heidi? You literally turned into Eric 2.0. a few months ago! As an intellectual, it is my job to get rid of “w*ke” brats like you! I’ll settle this in a debate soon enough…
Jesus: (clears his throat)
Clyde: (looking as remorseful as he can, with the most pragmatic intentions) Sorry, Jesus…
(we then cut to the playground that night as Clyde encountered Red McArthur & Butters Stotch. He was holding a book of spells he stole from Mr. Herbert Garrison’s classroom)
Butters: Oh, hey there, Clyde!
Red: What’s that you’ve got there, Clyde?
Clyde: You know how on your birthday you summoned the President and Lucifer after getting that rare toy?
Red: (looking slightly remorseful) Yes, why…?
Clyde: Well, I was thinking something…maybe if we summon those people back, then we can finally reopen the bet with Sheila and send Kyle packing for good…along with Heidi & Wendy!
Butters: (as annoyed as humanly possible) Oh hamburgers, not these rituals again…
Red: (nervous) I don’t know…it’s risky, but…
Clyde: If you help me with this, I’ll help you get those special rare “labooboos” or whatever they were called!
Red: (shocked, turning into excitement) Y-you will?
Clyde: Of course!
Red: Well then, what are we waiting for? LET’S DO IT NOW!
Butters: (groaning in the most annoyance possible) Oh, why did I make the choice to break up with Charlotte…?
(we then pan to Clyde’s house. Clyde, not thinking about the plan thoroughly and thinking he can get away with this, just opened the book to page one, and read the spell from there…)
Clyde: I call upon all the forces in existence…twist through all of space and time to bring the most insane men you can find…make sure they’ll make our enemies pay, for as of now, CHAOS SHALL REIGN TODAY!!!
(a blue and green flash of light then passes through as fog forms throughout Clyde’s room)
Red: IT’S WORKING! It’s working wonderfully-oh…crap…
Clyde: What?
Butters: I’m looking through the fog and…these people don’t look like demons at all…
Clyde: I’m sure that’s just from the inside…
(the fog in the room then clears)
Butters: Uh…don’t get mad that your plan is failing…
Clyde: “Don’t get mad”?!
(the camera then pans to reveal two teenage boys, one with black hair and an orange jacket and the other with blonde hair, a blue shirt and green pants…they then open their eyes and finally speak.)
Aaron: ‘Ello there, lads!
Bradley/me: Hello, kiddos! Is it tomorrow…?
Red: W-w-WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS?!? You’re not demons at all!
Aaron: (smugly grinning) Oh, we are…just not the ones you wanted.
Bradley/me: (in the most flamboyantly gay tone imaginable) What’s the matter? Did your spell not work out the way you both wanted it to, Reddy and Clyde…?
Clyde: (spluttering in disbelief that turns into fury) N-no, I just probably said the wrong spell! Last time this happened in town, it actually summoned real demons, not some Leprechaun and Bradley Biggle’s failed clone!
Aaron: That is pretty unfortunate of you to be outwitted by the World’s Greatest Mathematician from the Land of the Irish and his Floridian friend and summon two even bigger demons than the ones you wanted to summon onto south park, inferiors…
Bradley/me: PERHAPS IT WAS INSTINCT!
Clyde: ...I-I wanted to bring the president, and those people in charge of the universe sent me these unimportant monstrosities instead?!
Aaron: WHAT?!?
Butters: (a bit confused) Is that really it tho? I seriously thought the world would be destroyed again only for those thoughts to be untrue and we summoned two little boys instead?
Bradley/me: I know we may be unimportant to you, but we don’t care! In our dimensions at home, we’re literally stopping eldritch abominations all while being the gayest mofos about it!
Gordon the Big Engine: (chuffs out of the portal) Bradley’s right, Little Butterbean.
Red: (mortified) AH! WHAT IS THAT WHY IS THAT WHY DOES IT HAVE WRINKLES ON ITS FAC-
Gordon: Silence! That’s not really important. What is important is these two over here. After all, protecting the multiverse from certain harm in the hands of Bill and that drill sergeant is an important job, hmm? Important is big. Aaron & Bradley…well they’re not as big as me in size, but they’re big where it counts.
Bradley/me: …the heart?
Gordon: Yes, the heart, I think that’s what I meant…
Aaron: (smugly) Everyone knows it, I’m not the World’s Greatest Mathematician for nothing y’know, lads…
Gordon: You, Clyde & Red however, your brains are small for thinking your delusions of grandeur would actually pay off. Small, small, small, teeny weeny weeny. And I, I’m a big blue engine who knows everything, being the finest engine on Sodor after all..
Aaron: Percy & Toby are still better tho-I mean, what? You heard nothing, I just ate too much of my Tayto sandwiches…ok, if you wanna know how to make a crisp sandwich, here’s how:
1. Put butter on one piece of bread
2. Put the crisps on the buttery side
3. Get another piece of bread and crush the crisps down
4. Eat it up, it’s lovely
Bradley/me: Now excuse us, we need to find a place for us to sleep. Tomorrow, we’ll try to find a way to head back home. I know Dipper, Mabel, Orel, Doughy, and my dimension’s Heidi are missing me right now…
Tails: (flies out of the portal from which Gordon came from) Here, Aaron, I can give you a ride if you want…
Aaron: (allows Tails to grab him and fly him across the sky) Oh, I love you, my dear fox lad!
Tails: Wait, this is the original South Park dimension, father…I think we might be able to pull off the craziest idea ever…
Aaron: (catches onto what Tails is saying) Ohhhhh…tehehehehehe….
Gordon: We’ll do it tomorrow, as long as it’s dignified enough in regards to my role…maybe we can have Percy & Toby wheesh steam all over Eric’s face?
Bradley/me: We’ll discuss that next morning…goodbye, Canon Clyde! I would say it’s been a pleasure, but I took note to never lie in other dimensions! This was a major waste of my time! (I leave inside Gordon while Aaron leaves with Tails flying him across the stars)
Clyde: …what have I done?
(Meanwhile, Mintberry Crunch is watching the new Nintendo Direct. He saw the advertisement for Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2’s rerelease, but was immediately disappointed upon seeing their prices…)
Minty/Bradley Biggle: (sighs) Oh, if only I could find a way to bypass the tariffs get them for my love, Scotty, then I can finally admit to my love for him and we can have a romantic date together playing our favorite game series…wait, bypass the tariffs…bypa-THAT’S IT! THAT’S IT! HAHA! TOMORROW WILL BE THE DAY WE FINALLY HAVE OUR FIRST KISS! I WON’T BE ALONE ANYMORE! HURRAH!
(we then cut to commercial breaks)