Chapter Text
Chapter 4: The Grand Finale
(Back at home, both Cartmen finally reach their home after a few minutes and enter the building. Canon Cartman’s mother, Liane, notices her son(s) and greets them)
Liane Cartman: Hello, poopsiekins!
Canon Cartman: (running upstairs) F*CK OFF, MEEM!
Liane: (noticing Bradleyverse Cartman, oblivious to the fact there’s two of her son) Hello, poopsiekins!
Bradleyverse Cartman: (following his canonical interdimensional cousin) Out of my way, my former mother, things are changing around here…we have unfinished business to attend to and we need to finish it fast…
Liane: Whatever you say, my dearest sons… (eyes widen in shock) WAIT, SONS??? …am I seeing double or something…? (rushes upstairs and peeks the door open to Eric’s room)
Bradleyverse Cartman: (interacting with his canon self) …and then, I grabbed a random bag of sugar that was conveniently laying around and the diesel with the claw ran away because it supposedly gives him “engine troubles”, taking that p*ss-stained Dorito and his legion of d*ckheads he calls “droogies” with him! What a p*ssy!
(both Cartmen then laugh at the top of their lungs)
Canon Cartman: …oh my goodness, the more I know about you, the better you get! You really should visit more often, cousin! (clears throat) Okay, now that your whole life story is over, back to what I was saying…we need to dispose of both Kahls…
Bradleyverse Cartman: Yes, but how…?
Canon Cartman: …hey, why not go back to your home and sacrifice them to that triangle guy and drill sergeant you told me abo-
Bradleyverse Cartman: No, they’ll make it too brutal, even for me…hmmm…why don’t we just make them suck our b*wlls as per usual?
Canon Cartman: We’ve done that too many times now…wait…I’ve got it. I’ll tell you what, me. If you framed your Kahl’s daddy, Aaron, for stuff he didn’t do and got him arrested, your Kahl would have to go to foster care and be homeless, wouldn’t he…?
Bradleyverse Cartman: Hmmmm…it’s risky, but I like it!
Canon Cartman: It’s devious!
Bradleyverse Cartman: And it just-
Canon Cartman: -might…
Both Cartmen: WORK! Hahahahaha!
Bradleyverse Cartman: I love the way you think, original me!
Canon Cartman: That’s because I think nearly the exact same way as you do, other me!
Liane: (to herself) This isn’t happening! How is this possible?! Several years ago, after the incident with Stan, cloning was outright banned from town! Unless… (brow furrows in anger) MEPHESTO!!!
(back at the girls’ place…)
Bradley/me: (telling the girls what had happened the night before we arrived) …and then, Bill, The Sergeant, Frollo & Gaston struck us both with a bolt of lightning, thinking they had killed us…however, because we had decided to grab some juice that made us immune to any death-causing attacks the night before, the lightning bolt transformed me and Aaron into “Super Brad & Wonder Aaron”, and we were able to kick their asses so hard they flew out of town! I then decided to arrange a big movie night in celebration for us finally defeating our adversaries, but before we could begin after we set everything up, a blue and green glow started to envelop me and Aaron, before whisking us away from home…and I think you all know the rest.
Canon Heidi: …well, that was quite insane…kinda like you in a way.
Bebe: I still don’t understand why my counterpart in your universe would be willing to join Mrs. Trunchbull of all people, but hey…in an infinite multiverse, anything’s possible I guess.
Rebecca: Tell us more, Bradley!
Bradley/me: I’m sorry, but that’s my entire life story as of right now. There is the possibility for me to go on more adventures and tell you all about them, but that’ll have to wait until next time…cheeky sequel bait and all. :3
Oliver the Great Western Engine: The dear chap is right, we have a home to return to after all…speaking of which, Bradley…the mansion is alone and unprotected right now. Who’d you leave in charge of it while you’re away?
Bradley/me: Well, I asked….OH…ohhhh dear….
(meanwhile at the mansion, music played by “Weird” Al Yankovic is playing FULL BLAST)
George Beard: It’s STILL going???
Harold Hutchins: Apparently so, George!
Splatter & Dodge: Best prank ever! (chuckles)
(cut back to me)
Bradley/me: Hey, at least they’re not gonna destroy the place…I hope they won’t…
Karen McCormick: What about that man who was annoying the crap out of my parents by climbing their house using only suction cups? What was that about???
Bradley/me: Ah, I see you’ve met Suction Cup Man then…yeah, Kenny in my timeline turned out WAY different…he had to get s*xual therapy for how into women he was, but came out a different man. And I’m not sure if that’s for better OR worse, because instead of being h*rny, he’s now incredibly foul-mouthed and rude. He’s made it his hobby to annoy the sh*t out of a businessman by climbing his tower with suction cups every weekend…
Karen McCormick: …I see…
Butters: (realizing) Hey, wait a minute…you remind me an awful lot about that kid from Gay Camp also named Bradley…
Bradley/me: That’s because I am his father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.
Butters: …what does that make the both of you?
Bradley/me: (bluntly) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Vivian: Well, it was fun hanging out with you, I’ll leave you girls and me and my dear Braddo’s daughter Heidi to talk with eachother…goodbye!
Bradley/me: I enjoyed spending time with you, but I must be going now too, we need to find a way to head back home in a few hours after all. Goodbye!
Canon Heidi: Goodbye! Come back and see us soon!
Bradley/me: I hope I will… (closes the door)
Red McArthur: …well, that was unexpected…
Butters: I think I need some time to myself to process all this…
Bradleyverse Heidi: Much obliged! There’s a private room for you to rest over there!
Butters: (walks into the room before shutting the door, then sighing) I don’t know what to do now…those girls have wronged me yet again but they seem sorry, yet I still want to get back at those deceiving pieces of subhuman scum for scammin’ me…WHAT DO I DO???
Bill Cipher: (appears) Well, well, well! Someone’s looking desperate!
Butters: AH! It’s the triangle guy Bradley told me abo-
Bill: Hey, don’t listen to him! He’s just incredibly judgemental! I can help ya, kid, you just need to hear out my demands!
Butters: (nervously) Okay, WHADDYA WANT FROM ME? To turn me into a dollar? To claim my soul? To eat me alive???
Bill: (putting on a facade as per usual) Yeesh, kid, relax. All I want is for you to stand up for yourself and get back at those who wronged you!
Butters: …you mean it?
Bill: Everyone loves a good revenge story, and it seems to me that you have several people you rightfully should strike vengeance upon!
Butters: And lemme guess, you want ME to get revenge on these people in my life?
Bill: Wow, give the boy a prize! Here, have a head that’s always screaming! (claps his fingers, summoning a disfigured head that does nothing but scream for a few seconds before de-summoning it) The point is I like you, and want you to succeed in life…so let’s make a deal, shall we?
Butters: So, who should I get revenge on first?
Bill: Hmm, let’s see…eeny, meeny, miney…RED!
Butters: Wait, WHAT?
Bill: You heard me…that little girl has been nothing but trouble to you lately, so you should sign up for my new app Sora.AI to get back at her!
Butters: But…she said she’s….sorry…
Bill: I don’t think sorry’s gonna cut it this time, remember she used you and pretended to be your loving girlfriend just so she could get that rare labubu…plus, I think using an app that can allow you to animate anything and make it look real is one small price to pay for exacting vengeance upon all whom have wronged you! Besides, what has that girl done for you lately? (shows Butters the events of Wok is Dead via his eye) How much did you have to sacrifice for her, huh? And when has SHE ever returned the favor…?
(these last words echo in Butters’ head greatly. Bill’s offer seems more and more convincing)
Bill: Come on, tick-tock, kid...we all know you want the Professor Chaos in you to return…
(Butters thinks long and hard about it, but after a minute of hesitation…HE AGREES. He then shakes Bill’s hand and signs up for Sora.AI)
Bill: You have made me a happy man…remember, REALITY IS AN ILLUSION, THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM, BUY GOLD, BYYYEEEE! (evilly cackles before leaving the scene)
Butters: (chuckles to himself before turning into insane laughter that only he can hear) WATCH OUT, SOUTH PARK, PROFESSOR CHAOS IS FINALLY BACK!!!
Bradleyverse Heidi: Butters? Is everything okay in there?
Butters: (playing up a facade) Oh, everythin’ is alright. In fact, I feel stronger than ever before!
Canon Wendy T.: That’s nice!
Butters: (steps out of the room) Yep, I’m just lil’ old Butters once again!
Orel: Now, shall I discuss to these people my personal life story once my dimension’s Heidi’s done with hers?
Butters: Sure, fella! (internally: “Hehehehe…soon, they will know what it feels like to be used…soon they will know…CHAOS.”)
(meanwhile, at Israel, Sheila Broflovski is currently staying at a motel she rented…she was taking a nap when her cellphone rang)
Sheila Broflovski: Hello?
Canon Kyle: MOM! Guess what just happened today?
Sheila: Kyle, my baby! I just gave the man behind the attacks on Palestine a piece of my mind and now am currently staying at a motel whilst waiting for them to get back to me!
Bradleyverse Kyle: (in the background) WHOOPEE!!!
Canon Kyle: Well, Mom…whilst you’re doing that…to say my day has been insane is an understatement…
Sheila: (overhearing the background noise, then slowly realizing what’s going on) …Kyle? Where are you?
Canon Kyle: I’m at home, why do you ask, Mom?
Sheila: Because I just heard your voice twice, are you dealing with that whole multiverse bullsh*t again?
Canon Kyle: (sighs) Look, I hate this whole multiple universes thing as much as you do, it’s lazy, unoriginal, and just has been done to death at this point, but this other me…he’s been through quite a lot, so I think we should cut him slack at least this once.
Bradleyverse Kyle: (from outside) I literally was given the Scott Tenorman treatment by a triangle of all things and now I’ve been adopted by some insane yet caring Irish man who keeps bragging about how great he is at math!
Sheila: …may I talk with him…?
Canon Kyle: Sure, I guess…Aaron, you’ve got a phone call…
Aaron: Hold on, lads, let me take it… (twirling his hair as he picks up the phone) Helloooo, sugar plum!
Sheila: You’re not Gerald…
Aaron: No, I’m Gerard Way.
Sheila: (gives a confused look)
Aaron: …I’m Aaron Patrick Cosgrove. I’m the adoptive father of an alternative version of your son. I’m not even gonna recap everything, I’m already having 50 inner crises at the moment.
Sheila: Hmm…not the weirdest thing I’ve heard this month!
Aaron: Feels very surreal to be talking to you, hothead. I’ve heard a lot about you. Like, you’re a Jersey woman?
Sheila: I only embrace that side when I’m around other Jersey wives!
Aaron: (in fake Jersey voice) OH YOU’RE CABBAGE!!!
Sheila: You know nothing about New Jersey, don’t you??
Aaron: I know a certain gourd who grew up there.
Sheila: Right, well I do hope you’re taking care of the…two versions of my son. Enjoy it, you silly leprechaun!
Aaron: (eyes burning) LEPRECHAUN??? B*TCH, I WILL COME OVER THERE AND SLAP YOU AROUND!!!
(Aaron is rambling threats as Bradleyverse Kyle and Tails drag him away from the phone, all the while Gerald Broflovski finally gets back to his laptop peacefully after Cosmo the Seedrian helped repair his car after he accidentally destroyed it while racing Aaron inside Toby the Tram Engine…)
Canon Kyle: (to his Bradleyverse counterpart) …your father, he’s…kinda quite the nutcase…
Bradleyverse Kyle: (giggles) Well so is yours!
(both Kyles then hug eachother peacefully, not knowing that their rivals (the Cartmen) are currently plotting against them...)
(we then see Dr. Mephesto and his lab after so many seasons. He’s performing another experiment when his cellphone rings)
Dr. Mephesto: Hello?
Liane Cartman: Is this Dr. Alphonse Mephesto?
Mephesto: Yes, this is him. Who is this?
Liane: This is Liane Cartman. It appears my son has surprisingly multiplied for some reason, and considering you’re usually the mad scientist around here, I was wondering if you were up to your old tricks again and cloned him…
Mephesto: Don’t worry, I’ve come into contact with an extra Stan Marsh today and interviewed him. It appears that one of your son’s interdimensional cousins has come to visit.
Liane: (nervously) How long will it last? I don’t think I can handle TWO of my poopsiekins, I only need one of my dear son…
Mephesto: Apparently their bosses named “Bradley” & “Aaron” say that they plan to be in town for just today, but will make their day last.
Liane: Oh…okay then.
Mephesto: This won’t last anyways, once the alternate versions of these people leave, the original versions of them will forget everything that happened that day.
Liane: Oh…okay. I understand then…goodbye sir. (hangs up, before sighing)
(meanwhile, with Kristi Noem and ICE…)
Smol J.D. Vance: (from Kristi Noem’s phone via phone call) So, are you closing in on the trespassers’ location?
Kristi: I’ve just located the illegals’ whereabouts…soon, they’ll know not to mess with our dear president and invade our country again…
A Random ICE Employee: But one of them IS from our countr-
Kristi: (clears throat)
The Employee: Sorry…
Smol J.D. Vance: (from Noem’s phone) Excellent… (hangs up the phone before looking at a photo of Lennart Bedrager, deceased CEO of TrollTrace.com) Soon, de boss will finish what YOU started…
Kristi: Alright…now it’s time to catch some bad hombres….
Damien: (muttering to himself) Not when I’m around, you don’t…
(the ICE trucks then open, with all the members of the organization running outside the van, with Kristi holding a megaphone)
Kristi: ATTENTION, ILLEGALS KNOWN AS “BRADLEY JACK HAUER” & “AARON PATRICK COSGROVE”! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!
Bradley/me: OH BOTHER! It’s those things in charge of Homeland Security…
Aaron: Those feckin’ things….
Kristi: You aren’t wanted here! Go back to where you came from!
Aaron: (smugly) How about no?
Kristi: LET ME MAKE MYSELF QUITE CLEAR! (hand chuffs Vivian & Cosmo, and holds Tails at gunpoint) Now…any last words before you’re stuck at Maralago, you bad hombres?
Aaron: I know I may never defeat you, Trump, or your legion of gobsh*te henchmen…but I will never stop fighting for my sons, Tails & Kyle… (then points far away to distract Noem to let Bradley/me tackle her) LOOK, A PET STORE FILLED WITH PUPPIES!
Kristi: WHERE???
Bradley/me: (tackles Noem, freeing Tails before slapping Noem across the face before hitting her in the crotch and whilst Aaron frees Vivian & Cosmo before sucker-punching Noem in the face before throwing her back into her van)
Damien: FEEL MY WRATH!!! (lights Noem on fire)
Bradley/me: Wha-DAMIEN??? YOU’RE IN THIS TOO???
Damien: I may be the son of Satan himself, but even I draw the line at being on “the island” if you know what I mean!
Aaron: I’m personally not surprised, he and Trump DO share the same initials after all…
Bradley/me: That is true… (clears throat) Now that that’s cleared up, we need to find the other members of the Bradley Hauer Clan so we can head home by 7:30pm...
Aaron: Let’s…we’ll leave you to this then, Damien!
Damien: (grins evilly in approval as he continues burning Kristi to the ground)
(and me and Aaron headed away to collect the other Clan Members. The Goth Kids, who were watching the ordeal with Damien, were SPEECHLESS!)
Pete: (in amazement) …he’d make a pretty hardcore goth.
(later that day, dusk fell. Mintberry Crunch finally returned from his hours-long journey to buy the Mario Galaxy games…he then knocked on Scott Malkinson’s door…)
Scotty: Who is it? (opens the door) Mintberry? What are you doing he-
Canon Mintberry Crunch/Bradley Biggle: For you, Scotty…I know life has been very hard for you lately with Clark Malkinson and all, so I got this for you to cheer you up after everything… (shows him a copy of Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2 on Nintendo Switch)
Scotty: You got this…for me? But…what about the tariff-
Canon Minty/Brad: They don’t matter now. I found a way to bypass them by headin’ to Nintendo’s office so I could get them for a low price…just for you.
Scotty: Awweee, you shouldn’t have! (hugs Minty) I actually think now would be a good time to confess something…
Canon Minty/Brad: And what’s that…?
Scotty: (sniffles a little) I love you, Minty…I really do, you’re so brave, handsome, and courageous, I wish I could be as powerful as you…heck, the reason I have this pink and green sandbucket is because it reminds me of you…I love you more than words can describe…
Canon Minty/Brad: But…what about Sophie Gray?
Scotty: …she broke up with me because she was focusing more on the labubus she was getting rather than me…that combined with Clark’s relentless abuse still makes me feel absolutely worthless…I just deserve to be left abandoned and left in the dust without a single ounce of remembrance from anyone-
Canon Minty/Brad: Listen to me, Scott. You are not worthless. You don’t deserve to be abandoned. You are still human, just like all of us. And I know this is rich coming from the person who’s actually an alien from another planet and all, but…you deserve the world, Scott. Even if you doubt yourself and think all is lost, it isn’t. You deserve to live…happily ever after… (kisses Scotty)
Scotty: (blushes and joins into the kiss, blissfully) I love you, Bradley Biggle…~
Canon Minty/Brad: I love you more…
Scotty: (after slowly breaking away from the kiss) So…shall we play these games together?
Canon Minty/Brad: (smiles warmly) Let’s…
(we then cut to a 3 minute-long montage of the two happily playing Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2 together whilst whispering sweet nothings to eachother whilst “Some Things Never Leave You” by Joe Henry from “Thomas and the Magic Railroad” plays in the background. The two laugh together, fight together (in the game), explore the cosmos together, and have the time of their lives, playing their favorite game, and afterwards proceed to have a ballroom-like dance together merrily out of joy and love for eachother. For one of the first times in Scott Malkinson’s life, he feels like all is right with the world…and it’s the superhero powered by mint and berries from the planet Kokujon to thank.)
(Meanwhile, the two Cartmen are rushing to the police station to frame Aaron. They then soon arrive after a 15-second montage of them doing so.)
Canon Cartman: Well, here we are…good luck, other me!
Bradleyverse Cartman: I don’t need luck, I have a plan… (enters the police station’s office) SERGEANT HARRISON YATES! You aren’t gonna believe this!
Harrison Yates: (annoyed) I haven’t the time for your stupid games, Cartman…
Bradleyverse Cartman: (shows a picture of Aaron to Yates) But, there’s this guy named Aaron Patrick Cosgrove, and he’s been causing chaos and madness everywhere he goes!
Yates: (confused out of his mind) …I’m sorry, WHO? I’ve never heard of this guy in my life…
Bradleyverse Cartman: That’s because he just arrived today, and he’s now been committing vandalism, theft, murder, arson and every other crime in history!
Yates: I’m sorry, but…that’s a load of bullsh*t if I’ve ever heard it.
Bradleyverse Cartman: BUT IT’S TRUE, I TELL YOU!
Canon Cartman: (facepalms from outside the window)
Yates: You also seem to ignore the fact that you have no evidence to back your claims up…if this “Aaron” was black, I’d be perfectly fine with what you’re doing and arrest him on the spot with no evidence, but from what you’re showing me, he’s perfectly fine and I am yet to see if your statements are true…
Bradleyverse Cartman: Oh come on, Yates! You used to be so cruel, evil, and hate-filled, and now you’re not even willing to help frame an innocent man? What happened to you???
Yates: Oh, don’t consider this the start of any potential “redemption arc” of any kind! I’m still the same hateful and irredeemable corrupt police officer you know! I’m just…tired, that’s all. With the way the president’s been running things, my corruption feels kinda obsolete, y’know…I wanna broaden my horizons a little. Do something different for a change.
Bradleyverse Cartman: (groans) Nevermind then… (leaves the door) It didn’t work out…I knew I shouldn’t have done this….
Canon Cartman: …hey, listen, my interdimensional cousin…you at least tried your best to make your Kahl’s daddy miserable, and that’s all that matters right now.
(both Erics then smile)
Bradleyverse Cartman: Plus, it could be worse…you could be dealing with that triangle guy I told you about, or that one Irish spirit Aaron has to face…
Canon Cartman: What Irish spirit?
Bradleyverse Cartman: Ah, so I haven’t told you…well, his name is Aarock. Born to the Broflovski family’s ancestors a hundred and sixty-seven years ago-
Canon Cartman: (laughs) Sorry….the way you said sixty-seven was pretty funny. Continue…
Bradleyverse Cartman: Anyway, a hundred and sixty-seven years ago, when he was born to the Broflovski’s ancestors, his father died in his long forgotten hometown of Parmas, leaving only his mother to caretake him. Aarock, nicknamed James Higgins at that time, was an ideal child. He was incredibly intelligent, considered good-looking by his peers, did his work and chores with no fuss or bother, he was perfect… a little too perfect. But as he got older, his mind started to get a bit more grim…he kept thinking of humanity’s existence as nothing more than a curse, and vowed to “make the meat puppets pay” in any way possible. And whenever any of his fellow children got more attention than him, he would use spells to torture them in several disturbing ways like removing their mouths and turning them into slugs, steam trams or monkeys that can only think and cry to express his sheer hatred for humanity and gain more and more power. He would also constantly ask questions to himself, like “why were humans brought to Earth?”, “why would God make us out of disgusting flesh?”, and “what are friends for?”. But it wasn’t until his 20th birthday on July 22nd where everything changed…he had all the powers he could wish for by now and was planning to destroy the entire world using those newfound powers, until suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree in the meadows where Aarock was plotting, which crushed Aarock to death and sealed his spirit within the tree. However, throughout all those years since he’s died, his spirit lingers on and has been watching what his ancestors have been up to, including our very own Kahl Broflovski, and has been filled with sheer hatred. And now that Bill Cipher has freed him from his eternal prison, he has been plotting his grand revenge by picking off Kahl’s interdimensional cousins one by one, and plans to have every single universe destroyed and all who oppose him to be tortured or killed by his supercomputer AM, formerly known as the Allied Mastercomputer.
Canon Cartman: What, even someone as kewl as me?
Bradleyverse Cartman: Yes, cousin…even you.
Canon Cartman: …maybe it’s a good thing I never knew about your universe until today…wait, how do you even know about this entire backstory?
Bradleyverse Cartman: This old engine named Duke told me back at the mansion in which Bradley works at. He has a thing for telling these kinds of stories. (looks at his watch) Well, I hate to be that guy but…we need to head to Stark’s Pond, it’s time for me and the rest of the people of Bradley & Aaron’s universe to leave.
Canon Cartman: (shocked) But cousin! I’ve learned so much from you, and you’re leaving already???
Bradleyverse Cartman: I’m sorry, but it must be done…as much as I’d love to stay here, it can’t be done. Being a part of a group that has to defend the multiverse from hundreds of threats is a hard job, and by staying here forever, they’d be one group member short and I wouldn’t be able to terrorize my dimension’s Kahl anymore, and that would never do. You must continue your life without me. It’s for the better.
Canon Cartman: …well, at least I’ll get to remember our experience with you, right?
Bradleyverse Cartman: Well, about that….
Canon Cartman: (brows furrowing) …what do you mean “about that”...
Bradleyverse Cartman: Well, according to my calculations, unless the person is wearing glasses, when other dimensional entities leave this dimension, a light representing their favorite colors will flash, which will afterwards cause all the inhabitants of this dimension to look back on this day and remember…nothing.
Canon Cartman: …NOTHING???
Bradleyverse Cartman: Yes, nothing...or there’s the opposite scenario in which they just think it was all just a dream…
Canon Cartman: (dead silent before getting extremely angry) …WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT BEFORE WE AGREED TO GET RID OF YOUR KAHL’S DADDY TOGETHER?!?
Bradleyverse Cartman: I forgot about that detail, I’m sorry!
Canon Cartman: (starting to break down, nearly about to cry) I…I…I can’t lose you! NOT LIKE THIS! This may be a little narcissistic, but you mean a lot to me, cousin! Without you, I’m kinda nothi-
Bradleyverse Cartman: (gives his canon counterpart glasses so that when the blue and green flash of light passes, he won’t forget about the events of this day) Hey, hey, cous’…don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it at least happened. Besides, fate will probably lead us to meet up once again some sunny day...and when we do, we’ll get Kahl to suffer in our hands, together…
Canon Cartman: (hugs his interdimensional cousin) …thank you…I’ll miss you…
Bradleyverse Cartman: (breaks free of the hug) Now, let’s head to Stark’s…my boss is waiting for me there…
(and the two Cartmen rumbled away…)
(we then cut to a screen saying “SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT” as a voice says “THIS IS A FOX NEWS!!!”)
The Male News Reporter (who I’m just gonna call Ringo): We interrupt this program to bring you some breaking news!
The Female News Reporter (who I’m also just gonna call Shannon): We have reports that owner of ICE, Kristi Noem, has apparently had her arse kicked by two teenage boys whom she claims are invading the country. When asked about the details, Kristi Noem had this to say…
Kristi: They were so small in size yet so powerful for two teenagers stuck in children’s bodies…wherever they are now, I need someone to bring them to me for a rematch so we can send them to jail for good…
Smol J.D. Vance: …uh, what she said!
Shannon: Well, you heard it here, folks! Two teens are somehow stronger than one of the president’s folks! Back to you, Ringo!
Ringo: And while we’re on the subject of Presidents, we have a story about how 20 years later, ex-President George W. Bush STILL can’t open a door coming next!
The announcer: (whilst the Fox News logo fades) THIS HAS BEEN A FOX NEWS!
(we then cut to Stark’s Pond. All the members of the Bradley Hauer Clan who had come to visit were saying their goodbyes…hugging it out and thanking them for a wonderful time…)
Bradley/me: Welp, guys…this is it. It’s time for us to go home…we enjoyed our time together, but I must be heading back now. The multiverse isn’t gonna defend itself, y’know, and the last thing I want is Bill Cipher & The Smile Away Reformatory School Sergeant to successfully harm every single universe in their own specially evil ways…
Canon Kyle: It sucks that we’ll all have to forget this experience tho since you mentioned that once that green and blue light flashes, all of us forget everything that happens in the last 24 hours…
Aaron: (sighs before hugging Canon Kyle) …yeah, but that’s the way it has to be.
Canon Heidi: (sniffles) Will we ever see you again?
Aaron: …probably not.
Bradley/me: But, I will try to make sure I see you all again one day…and when that day comes, we all shall finally have our shining time together and make a day you all won’t forget…
Canon Kyle: You know, guys…I never expected to say this in times like this, but…I’ve learned something today. Life can be really stressful when far from home, especially in an area you have next to no knowledge of, but even in those situations, you should always try to carry on and make the best of it! No matter what your life throws at you, you’ll always be of importance! Live your life to the fullest and remember those who are closest to you; as sometimes…the best journeys are the ones we can only dream about...
Bradleyverse Kyle: And helping eachother out brings to life the magic in all of us!
Butters: Well, so long, fellas!
Percy the Small Engine: Peep peep peep! Goodbye!
Dipper Pines: Come back and see us soon once you all find out about interdimensional travel again!
Cosmo the Seedrian: We’ll save a seat for you!
Bradley/me, Aaron, and all the members of the Bradley Hauer Clan: (stepping into the portal before it closes) Goodbye!
(a blue and green flash of light then passes throughout town as everyone forgets all the events related to Bradley & Aaron’s arrival in town. Everyone then opens their eyes, chatting about what they plan to get up to next…)
Tolkien: (rushing up to everyone) Hey guys! I just had the strangest dream! I dreamt that my interdimensional cousin from another universe showed up and we got to play Xbox and swim together!
(Everyone laughed and chuckled at what Tolkien had said…except for Cartman. He had put on his glasses and thus avoided getting blinded by the light that caused everyone to forget the dimensional dilemmas of that day, and was still missing Bradleyverse Cartman. Then, he thought of the way Bradleyverse Cartman said “167 years ago” and chuckled, before smirking evilly. He finally had an idea on how to become the popular kid again, with unintended help from his interdimensional cousin, and developed a plan that he wanted to spread like wildfire across South Park. But, as we all know, that’s another story for the Season 28 premiere. Kyle still wonders if the events of that day were just a dream, but he now enjoys being with his friends more than ever, and I think he knows that sometimes, the best experiences are those we can only dream about. Don’t you?)
And so we’ve come to the bittersweet ending of our story, and it’s time for all of us to go home…just like Bradley & Aaron. :3
(we cut to see a post-credits scene, in which the boys’ shenanigans with Peter Thiel can be seen inside a crystal orb. A hand then grabs the orb before crushing it. The camera then pans to reveal that the hand belonged to none other than Aarock himself.)
Aarock: (chuckles) Look at all those pathetic mortals…whisking away in their “happy ever after”. Not even considering the sheer IMPROBABILITY that there will be a time where everything they know will change even further and just celebrating like hooligans…
Bill Cipher: Well, we’ll give them something to celebrate soon enough…
Aarock: Those meat puppets will be laughing on the other side of their heads soon, because in a few months…their luck will finally run out. Hahahahahhahahaha…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bill & Aarock: (evilly cackle in unison)
Aarock: Oh….YES….
(the camera then fades to black as the credits below finally roll)
SOUTH PARK; SEASON 27, EPISODE 5.5/6: DIMENSIONAL DILLEMAS
WRITTEN, EDITED, DIRECTED BY: BRADLEY JACK HAUER
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: AARON PATRICK COSGROVE
BASED OFF OF THE SHOW BY TREY PARKER & MATT STONE
CHARACTERS FROM:
- SOUTH PARK
- THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE & FRIENDS
- SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
- MORAL OREL
- GRAVITY FALLS
- PAPER MARIO
- ETC.
And, to all of you who have read this far…I just wanna thank all of you lovely people. Your support for this story is very much appreciated, and I wouldn’t have made it this far without lovely readers like you.
:3
Fanmade drawings based off of this story are also allowed! Just ping my Twitter account at @BHauer67297 when you post them!