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Viktor was not sure why it hurt so much.
After all, he had grown up all alone, tossed from one foster home to another, and his birthdays were hardly ever a big deal. In fact, most of the people that took him in had no idea when his birthday even was, let alone wanted to celebrate it with him.
He was used to it. It was one of those things that just was. Death, taxes, and him being lonely on his birthday.
He was a fool to expect that this year would be any different.
But damn him to hell, he had. He had hoped for a real birthday this year. His first one spent with people that like him. With a community he was a part of. Viktor didn't even want presents, and he detested attention, but he thought it would be nice to gather with everyone and finally have something to be grateful for on the day he turned twenty-one.
He thought this year would be it. He finally had friends. People from different backgrounds and with different interests but with so much care and love to give to each other, and they'd taken him in as if he mattered. As if he fit in just right, even with all his idiosyncrasies and oddities. As if he deserved all their affection and respect.
Caitlyn and Vi, so different from him, so much livelier and fun and always there when he needs a laugh or a ride or company. Jinx and Ekko, erratic and funny and disorganized but so fiercely loyal Viktor was sure they would commit actual crimes for him. Sky and Mel, lovely and smart and always there to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
And Jayce.
Brilliant, sweet, darling Jayce. The sun to Viktor's moon, the best friend he ever had. The one person that, if soulmates did exist, was surely Viktor's. The one who Viktor saw as a lot more than just a friend, and who he was starting to suspect might see him a bit differently as well. Jayce was the most important person in Viktor's life, one that he liked to imagine would be there forever, no matter where life took them.
He might have been able to understand everyone else blowing him off on his birthday. Cait and Vi had booked their vacation ages ago, and he knew that they couldn't have known when his birthday was back then. He wouldn't even have wanted them to, knowing how hard they work and how much they needed some rest. Had he at least expected a text? Perhaps, but it was okay. They were on vacation.
It might have been too stupid to expect Jinx and Ekko to remember his birthday, let alone bring it up, with the amount of studying they had to do. They had a penchant for leaving all their projects for the very last minute, and that minute was now. So Viktor just smiled fondly and shook his head and went on his way when they didn't even mention it when he ran into them on campus that morning. He had figured they might reach out later.
Mel and Sky... Well, Viktor had expected them to at least acknowledge his birthday, if nothing else. They were close, and the two women had excellent memories that they loved to flex every trivia night. But Viktor supposed his birthday wasn't important enough to commit to memory after all.
It hurt, but not nearly as much as Jayce going the entire day in the lab without saying anything about it. And Viktor knew he knew. Because they had talked about it a few months prior, when Jayce casually inquired about his birthday, going on and on about sun and moon signs and compatibility and wanting to know Viktor's birth chart.
Honestly, it was killing Viktor.
He felt hurt and disappointed and so confused, because he remembered everyone going all out for Vi’s birthday just last week. It pained him to realize that his birthday wasn't important like that. That it didn't even warrant a message or a card or even just a hug. That's all he had wished for, anyway.
It felt like his chest had been carved open all day in the lab. Viktor was embarrassingly close to tears at all times, and he could barely focus on Jayce's idle chatter. The tools he was trying to use to tinker with the prototype on his desk kept slipping from his hands and he could barely get enough air into his lungs. He was a mess, a single misstep away from crying, and he was so ashamed.
If Jayce noticed, he said little, and it made Viktor feel even worse. He just kept chatting about stupid topics and mentioning people that Viktor barely knew and droning on and on about a paper he had read. It was too much, and Viktor barely managed to hum and nod at the appropriate times.
So when the clock struck 4 PM, Viktor knew it was time to go home. The message he had planned to send to their group chat sat as a draft in his inbox, the invitation to join him for drinks and cake at their favorite pub blurring in front of his eyes as he slowly deleted it. The money he had saved to be able to treat everyone felt heavy in his wallet, as if it was dragging him down and plastering him to the floor in a pathetic heap.
He'd find other ways to spend it. Better ways. He'd go home and curl up in bed and cry it all out and get some sleep, and tomorrow would be a new day. And he'd have over a week of holidays to get himself together and act normal when he saw everyone again once their second semester kicked off.
It was a plan. He loved those. He could do this.
“I, uh, I will get going.” Viktor said to Jayce as he stood up, gripping his cane in his hand like a lifeline. Jayce looked at him as if he had grown a second head.
“G—go? But it's only four! We can't—I mean, you can't leave so early?” It sounded like a question, and Jayce looked panicked, but Viktor was too tired to care about it.
“I don't feel so good, and we have a week off starting tomorrow anyway. I wouldn't get much done, staying now.” Viktor replied, and he was proud of how steady his voice sounded.
His life might have changed, but deep down, he was still the same lonely boy who had to learn to act tough and pretend nothing hurt him. That he knew how to do. He had perfected it long ago.
“I—uh, are you sure? We have so much work to do still? We could stay for a few hours? Until like, six, maybe?” Jayce asked, standing up and walking toward him.
Viktor shook his head and moved to stand behind his chair. He could use any distance from Jayce he could get, now. Any barrier to separate Jayce from the torrent of emotions swirling inside of Viktor.
“As I said, I'm not feeling that well. I will get going.” Viktor said, looking at Jayce's shoulder to avoid seeing his expressive eyes. “I will see you after the holidays, yes? Have a nice New Year's e—”
“I'll go with you!” Jayce practically yelled, making Viktor flinch. He was getting annoyed, and that wasn't boding well for this whole thing. He needed to keep a clear head.
“There is no need, Jayce, I'm perfectly capab—”
“No, no. You don't feel well. I will escort you to your dorm, make sure you get there fine.” Jayce said, already shrugging on his coat, and Viktor sighed.
He couldn't do this. He couldn't bear Jayce's pity and kindness today, not after a whole day of nothing. He could take a lot, fake a lot, but today was pushing all his limits.
“Just give me five minutes to, uh, to make a quick call, okay? I need to let, uhm, Mel know something. I'll be really quick, and then we can go.” Jayce pleaded, and he ran out of the lab before Viktor could reply.
Viktor didn't remember making a conscious decision to move, but he must have. The next thing he knew, he was making his way out of the lab and down the hallway, going as fast as he could to avoid running into Jayce, who must have went to the bathroom to make his call.
His eyes were filled with tears as he ordered an Uber on his phone, not wanting to walk home crying where everyone could see. Not wanting Jayce to follow him and walk with him and keep chattering at him.
He just needed this whole day to be over, and he had to get a head start on that.
Viktor almost whined with relief at the sight of the white Honda Civic waiting for him in front of the building gate as he limped out. His leg was starting to hurt more than usual, no doubt thanks to his punishing pace, but it did not matter.
All Viktor needed was to endure for the five minutes it would take to get to his little dorm room, and then he'd be able to let go and finally cry. He felt pathetic, planning it out like this, but it was the only thing keeping him afloat at that moment.
A small part of him felt really bad about leaving Jayce without even saying goodbye. He almost reached for his phone to type out a text as the car slowly made its way down the deserted streets, but he refrained from doing so.
At that moment, Viktor felt so inexplicably angry. There he was, feeling awful for going home and contemplating apologizing for it, when Jayce couldn't even wish him a happy birthday. Couldn't even pretend to care about the person he swore was his best friend. His partner.
Viktor wiped the stray tear careening down his face and bit his lip. Jayce did not care about him at all, and yet Viktor was already crying over him. In front of a stranger who was, to his credit, doing a great job pretending he couldn't see or hear him as he drove, but still.
He felt so silly for even entertaining the idea that Jayce might like him as more than a friend. That he’d actually make the effort to show Viktor that he did. He was a big, stupid fool.
Viktor made a decision, then. He'd never acknowledge his birthday again. He'd go back to pretending it didn't matter, just like he had for two decades before this one. He would never, ever, allow himself to feel like this again. Never trust that people actually liked him and wanted him around again.
The best minds in a generation were usually alone, weren't they? He might not have much, but he had his mind. He had his blueprints and prototypes and plans to make prosthetics that would help amputees walk and run and live fulfilled lives. He didn't need much else.
Viktor would allow himself one night to wallow and be sad, and then he'd get to work the day after. He could do that.
He exited the car slowly, cane slipping on the slightly icy ground before Viktor adjusted his grasp on it. Shooting a soft apology to the driver, he slowly made his way toward his dorm.
His room was on the ground floor, so it only took him a couple of minutes to get to his door and unlock it with shaky, freezing fingers. As soon as he stepped inside, all his bravado and resolve crumbled, and he felt hot tears sliding down his cheeks.
Viktor thanked the universe for the fact that he had a single room, because explaining his state to a roommate would've been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Vision blurred and nose running, Viktor took off his coat and scarf and let them fall to the floor. He had no strength to hang them up, and he wouldn't be leaving his room anytime soon anyway.
He leaned on his cane and hobbled over to his bed, not even bothering to take off his nice linen shirt or the forest green jumper he had over it. Who'd see it get wrinkled anyway?
Running a tired hand through his hair, Viktor sat down and closed his eyes. He felt miserable, lonely, and so, so sad. Worthless. All the emotions he had thought he'd left in the past, with another Viktor who had never known anything else.
He had just thought... He had thought that his luck had changed. That meeting Jayce and his friend group altered something fundamental inside him. For him. That he'd have someone to lean on from then on, that he'd never find himself so alone and devastated again.
He shouldn't have expected so much of people he only knew for a year, he was aware of it. They didn't owe him anything, and none of this made them bad people. Viktor just had to adjust his expectations and accept the fact that they were Jayce's friends, not his. He was just there, Jayce's lab partner that they'd put up with until the year was over and then never had to see again.
It made sense if Viktor actually thought about it. But doing so hurt, and he couldn't bear it tonight.
Instead, he just let his tears fall and tried to keep quiet. The last thing he wanted was to alert someone in any of the rooms next to him that he was a pathetic, crying mess on a Friday afternoon, right when their break started.
So Viktor just sat, and cried, and wished he didn't exist.
The first knock was so quiet that Viktor didn't register it, as preoccupied as he was with his crying session. His ears were ringing, and his head felt heavy and numb, so he couldn't focus on anything happening around him.
But it came again, and again, and then once more. Louder and quicker and more insistent each time, before he heard Jayce's voice calling his name over and over.
Viktor froze at the sound of it, shocked into complete stillness as Jayce continued pounding on the door. Should he open? What would be the point?
Maybe he can lie his way out of this. Apologize for leaving without saying goodbye and pretend he has somewhere to be soon. That should get Jayce to leave him alone, right?
But he'd been crying and his face was a mess and he felt how swollen it was. He had to at least wash it before he opened the door for Jayce.
“I'll be right there!” He yelled at the door and looked around himself frantically. He had to leave the room to go to the bathroom, so that was out.
The only thing he could do was wipe his face as well as possible and hope for the best. And oh yes—turn off the lamp so the room is darker and Jayce can't see him that well.
There. It was as good as it was going to get. Viktor gripped his cane and walked to the door as a prisoner on the way to his execution.
When he opened it, he was met with Jayce's worried, tear-streaked face. For a second, Viktor was too surprised to speak.
“Vik? Thank fuck, I was so worried,” Jayce whispered, voice breaking just a little on the last word, and Viktor was saved from having to reply by Jayce steeping closer and wrapping him up in a tight hug.
Viktor wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't a stranger to Jayce's hugs in the slightest, as his friend gave them out freely and frequently, especially to him. But this one was different, both because Jayce looked upset and was clinging to Viktor desperately, and because Viktor himself was reeling and sad and still so angry and confused.
Jayce let go before Viktor had time to give it too much thought, though, and the moment was over.
“You said you weren't feeling good and then you just—you disappeared!” Jayce breathed out, eyes sweeping over Viktor before landing on his face and staying there.
“Jayce, please—”
“What is it? Are you in pain? Is it—is it a flare up? Do you need to—”
“Jayce, I'm fine.” Viktor interrupted because he was on the verge of tears again and so help him God, he would not cry in front of Jayce.
“Fine? You don't look fine.” Jayce said. Viktor snorted quietly.
“Well, thanks.” He said dryly and saw Jayce blush.
“No, I don't—I don't mean that you look bad, you could never, you're always lovely but now—” Jayce stopped then, breathless, cheeks red, and Viktor wasn't sure what to make of any of it.
“Jayce, listen, I apologize for leaving in a haste, that wasn't nice of me.” Viktor started before taking a deep breath. He could do this. “I really would like to be alone now, though.” He added simply, purely because he didn't think Jayce even deserved a better explanation.
“Alone? You would like to be alone? On your birthday?” Jayce asked skeptically, and Viktor froze.
So he did know. He hadn't forgotten. He'd known all this time and yet he still—
Viktor's eyes started welling up again, and he took a step back into the room. He wanted to say something petty, something biting and smart, but all he could do was stare as Jayce blurred in front of him until he was just an outline through the moisture in Viktor's eyes.
“Viktor?” Jayce sounded worried again and Viktor wanted to scream at him. Hit him. Ask him why he was being so cruel.
“Fuck. I told them. I fucking told them,” Jayce said, angry and winded, and then he was wrapping his arms around Viktor again and Viktor let him, despite it all. He would always let him.
“I need you to let me in, and sit down with me, and let me explain everything about today to you, okay? I promise you'll want to hear it.” Viktor heard Jayce whisper into his ear, and he couldn't help but melt into his arms. He was confused and so tired and drained, and he wasn't sure how much more of this he could take.
“Please,” Jayce added, quieter and softer, and Viktor realized he still hadn't replied.
“Okay,” He whispered, and reluctantly detached himself from Jayce's embrace. He tried to wipe his tears discretely, drying them on the sleeve of his jumper. He hoped Jayce didn't notice.
Viktor sat on his bed and Jayce followed suit after turning on his lamp again, sitting so close their knees were touching. Viktor refused to look at him, mostly because he was afraid that doing so would make him cry again.
“I have been planning a birthday party—or, well, a hangout, really, for a few months now. For you.” Jayce said, and Viktor's breath caught. He looked up and saw Jayce looking at him intently, his face apologetic and sincere.
“I wanted to tell you I had something planned, but not what. I'd take you to our pub, and everyone would be there to surprise you, and we'd have cake and presents and spend time together, just the way you like best.” Jayce added. Viktor was so, so confused.
“When I told everyone about the idea, Jinx said it would be better if we pretended we had forgotten about your birthday as well.” This part was quieter, and it made Viktor sigh. Oh.
“She was adamant, and then so was Ekko, and Vi said it would be funny, and Mel said she'd always wanted to prank someone like that, and then Cait said it would work because you didn't really seem like you cared about your birthday, and I...I said okay.” Jayce finished, and he wasn't looking at Viktor anymore.
“I did try to say I thought it was a bad idea, but I didn't press hard enough and then I folded and...yeah.” Jayce whispered, taking Viktor's hand in his.
Viktor...did not know what to do or think. On the one hand, this was so stupid it was funny. And he could see everything Jayce described so clearly, every word and quip from their friends. But then again, it was so uniquely...cruel, that Viktor was left feeling confused.
“But I don't — I don't understand.” Viktor whispered. “Why would you want to do that to someone?”
Jayce looked pained. “It's, I don't even know, a stupid prank? It's supposed to be funny...” He trailed off, and Viktor bit his lip.
“It, eh, wasn't.” Viktor breathed out, and Jayce's hold on his hand tightened. For once, Viktor decided to give a little of himself and explain.
“I have never celebrated my birthday.” Viktor began, and forced himself to actually look Jayce in the eye. “My parents died when I was young, really young, so I don't have any memories of them doing it. None of my foster families did, and I never had any friends to do it with otherwise. I never made a big deal out of it. Then the years went by, and I got to college here, and then I met you all and I thought...” He stopped there, his voice getting far too thin and watery for his liking.
Jayce looked at him with a mixture of sadness, horror, and regret, and Viktor had to look away.
“Vik—God, I'm so sorry,” Jayce murmured, and then Viktor was tearing up again, and trying to pull away, and Jayce wasn't letting him. He pulled him into his arms instead and slipped his fingers into Viktor's hair, caressing his scalp soothingly.
“I'm sorry. I didn't know, but that's no excuse. I knew this wouldn't be something you'd like, I knew it sounded like a bad idea, and I still said yes.” He whispered, and Viktor closed his eyes and leaned into his chest fully.
“God, it killed me to sit with you today and not say anything.” Jayce said. Viktor sniffled but stayed silent. “I wanted to wish you happy birthday as soon as I walked in this morning. Hug you and give you flowers.”
Viktor almost choked on air then, because wasn't that a ridiculous mental image? Jayce, giving him flowers. So ridiculous. So wonderful.
“Will you forgive me?” Jayce asked. Viktor thought about it for a bit, even though it was a no-brainer.
Because all the sadness and confusion and anger he had been feeling earlier have evaporated. His friends did care. Jayce did care. They were all patently insane, but they cared. Viktor did not know if that made him pathetic, but that was enough for him.
Now, all he felt was a bone-deep exhaustion. He spent the whole day warring with his feelings, battling anger and hurt and trying to avoid the wave of devastation that lurked just around the corner, and now he was just...deflated.
“I know that I fucked up, Vik, I know. I will make it up to you, I promise. We don’t even have to go to this hangout if you don’t want to, that’s completely fine. I just—can you look at me, please?” Jayce asked, and Viktor willed his head to leave its warm cocoon in Jayce’s neck. Jayce looked anguished and sad, and it killed Viktor a little.
“I want you to know that you matter. To us, to me, but to the entire world as well.” Viktor’s eyes filled with tears immediately and he started pulling away, but Jayce kept him in place, hands warm against Viktor’s cheeks, and forced him to stay.
“Your birthday is my favorite day out of the entire year,” Jayce breathed out. “It’s the day my favorite person was born. And I’m sorry that you never had anyone celebrate it, celebrate you. And that we added on to the hurt with this stupid fucking prank.” He added, voice thick and laced with pain.
“But we love you. You will have to act surprised about it when you get them but everyone brought amazing presents. Jinx and Ekko made you a little robot—it actually walks and talks with an accent they swear sounds like yours—that you can keep on your desk here. Cait knitted you a scarf and beanie combo that is kind of hideous, honestly, but she’s really proud of it. Vi managed to track down a cookbook with like fifty Zaunish desserts that you’ll be able to make and enjoy. Mel and Sky snagged you a weekend reservation at that spa resort you wanted to go to, the one with the massage programs you wanted to try for your leg.” Viktor was full-on crying at that point, and he was grateful Jayce was warning him because he would have genuinely been a mess in front of everyone.
“And uhm, I baked you a cake.” He said, and Viktor sniffled. “It’s sickly sweet, there is an ungodly amount of sugar in it. And I got you some books. Well, all the books on your wishlist, actually. I looked at it when you dozed off while we were studying a few weeks ago.”
“Jayce—there were, like, ten books on there?” Viktor whispered, voice ragged and awed, and Jayce just shrugged.
“You deserve to be spoiled." Jayce said simply, and Viktor could only blink through his tears. “Do you forgive me?” He asked again, a hint of desperation in his voice.
“Of course, yes.” Viktor said, trying to smile and knowing it probably looked insane on his tear-streaked face. “I, eh, appreciate the attempt at a surprise as well. Even if it made me feel really...bad.” He settled on that word simply to spare Jayce from the truth of what he had really felt.
“I’ll be apologizing to you about that forever. And making up for it.” Jayce promised, and Viktor’s heart did a somersault in his chest when Jayce pressed a firm kiss on his forehead.
“What do you want to do?” Jayce asked then, and Viktor bit his lip. “You can stay here, but I am staying as well, just so you know. None of that ‘I want to be alone’ thing.”
“That is not what I sound like.” Viktot snorted, affronted, and Jayce grinned.
“Or, we could go to the pub. Everyone is there, the party was supposed to start at six, as I so subtly tried to inform you in the lab. I did let them know that this all failed and that you were...hurt, but they will still be there in case you want to come.” Jayce spoke softly, as if to a skittish animal.
Viktor took a deep breath and thought about it. He was tired and emotionally drained, but he also had a chance to celebrate his birthday for the first time. When it really came down to it, the answer was a clear one.
“I would like to go, yes.” He said, and Jayce’s happy grin was enough to confirm that he made the right decision.
“I, eh, will have to change. I ruined this jumper.” Viktor added, sheepishly, and Jayce finally released his hold.
“Wear the red one. You look amazing in it.” Jayce said, looking straight into his eyes. There was no bashfulness about the admission, no backtracking or explanations, and Viktor felt lightheaded for a moment.
“Uhm—okay, yeah, I—uh, will.” He stammered, and Jayce just smiled and nodded. “Make sure you’re really warm. I have another surprise, for after the hangout. Just the two of us.”
Viktor swallowed thickly and nodded. He stood up on shaky legs and grabbed his cane. His first stop was the bathroom, where he tried hard to get rid of his red-rimmed eyes and the puffiness around them. He looked like he’d been crying so obviously that he debated telling Jayce he didn’t want to go anywhere after all.
But the promise of hanging out with his friends and eating cake—and the after that Jayce mentioned—made him refrain from doing so. Everyone knew he had been upset. There was no need to hide it. And he could always blame it on the cold as well.
Satisfied that his face was at least clean, he went back to his room. Jayce was lounging on Viktor’s bed and looking almost comically large on it. The image made Viktor’s heart beat faster.
He tried to ignore it and went to the back of the room to rummage through his closet. The red jumper was clean and neatly folded, and Viktor put it on with cheeks that almost matched it in color.
You look amazing in it.
The words echoed in his mind over and over, and he couldn't help the small glimmer of hope from blooming inside his chest. Could Jayce, possibly, maybe...? Viktor had no idea, and there was no use thinking about it right then.
He just dressed quickly and fixed his shirt and pants. They were only slightly wrinkled, so they could stay. Viktor was too tired to change, anyway. He made one last attempt at fixing his hair, and then he turned to Jayce again.
“I am ready.” He whispered, breathless all of a sudden, and took an almost involuntary step back as Jayce stood up and joined him in the middle of the room.
All of a sudden, they were standing chest to chest, and Jayce was gripping Viktor’s hand with one of his own. And Viktor wasn’t a hopeful person, wasn’t one for foolish dreams, but the way Jayce looked at him in that moment... Well, it made him believe in the impossible, and it was a heady feeling.
“Lovely.”
That’s all that Jayce said, and he accompanied it with a warm swipe of his thumb across Viktor’s knuckles. Viktor was afraid his knees would buckle and he’d fall.
But they held on, and Viktor blushed and nodded, and then they were walking toward the door. And Jayce still gripped his hand, and it looked like he wasn’t planning on letting go.
He did, though, when they got to the entryway and Jayce bent down to pick up Viktor's coat from the floor. Viktor dressed quickly, hoping Jayce couldn’t see the heat in his face.
But then came the real shocker: Jayce took Viktor’s hand again as they exited his room, right after Viktor locked the door and slipped the key into his pocket. He interlocked their fingers this time around, and it was almost too much for Viktor.
“I, uh, I’m okay to walk. You don’t have to...” Viktor trailed off, bringing their joined hands up so Jayce could see what he meant.
“That’s not why I’m holding your hand, V.” Was Jayce’s simple reply, and Viktor refrained from screaming then why! in his face. Because Viktor had an idea why, and it was hard to breathe when he considered it.
He barely remembered the short walk to the pub.
Jayce’s searing skin against his hand was the only sensation he could focus on. Every gentle caress of his thumb against Viktor’s hand was the sweetest torture, and it looked and felt so deliberate, so clear, that Viktor couldn’t think about little else.
Jayce was quiet as well, and Viktor caught him looking at him with a smile more than once. Viktor felt drunk on the feeling. There was no other way to interpret this, was there?
Because although Viktor thought him cruel just an hour ago, he had irrefutable evidence that Jayce wasn’t. So, Jayce clearly knew what he was doing, and he was doing it deliberately, and the realization made Viktor blush yet again.
That’s why, when they finally entered the pub and Viktor was enveloped in hug after hug, he barely heard the well wishes and the apologies for the prank. Because he could still feel Jayce’s gaze on him, warm and all-seeing and different, and he was overwhelmed.
But he tried to focus, and it mostly worked.
He allowed Cait to put the scarf and beanie she had knitted for him on his head and around his neck immediately. The beanie was too big, and the scarf was so colorful Viktor resembled a walking rainbow, but he loved them so much he didn’t want to take either off.
Vi gave him the cookbook, and then he was swept off his feet by Jinx, who should not have the strength necessary to lift him up, but there he was, being spun in the air anyway. She apologized profusely, and he saw tears in her eyes, so Viktor ended up consoling her.
Ekko just patted him on the back, knowing he wasn’t huge on touching, and then Viktor was handed off to Sky and Mel who both wanted to hug him first, so he ended up sandwiched between them as they chattered and apologized and kissed his cheeks.
By the time they released him and he ended up by Jayce’s side again, Viktor was drunk on the affection and had lipstick all over his cheeks. Jayce used his thumb to wipe it off, and if Viktor almost died when he brushed his lower lip and held his gaze while doing it...well, that was his business alone.
“I was promised cake.” Viktor said, hoping his voice sounded steadier than he felt, and then they were moving to their usual booth and sitting down, and Viktor saw that a birthday hat was waiting for him.
Jayce took off Cait’s beanie and smoothed Viktor’s hair with a lot more attention to detail than was necessary. Then, he put on the silly hat on him and adjusted it. Vikor thought that would be the end of the torture, but Jayce then sat next to him, so close their sides were plastered against each other and he felt Jayce’s warmth seeping into him.
Okay. Okay, Viktor could do this. He just wouldn’t hear, see, or taste anything around him for the rest of the evening. Easy!
He tried to swallow and coughed instead, and Jayce’s hand ended on the back of his chair, naturally, like it had always belonged there. Then there was singing and shrieking and bellowing as his friends sang happy birthday to him, and Viktor’s eyes were blurred with tears as he blew out the candle.
He didn’t wish for anything specific. He already had everything he wanted.
The night was everything Viktor had wanted, and more.
It was everything he had wanted because it felt like an ordinary hangout, just with birthday hats and cake and an armful of presents he’d get to carry home. His friends acted normal and didn’t make him feel uncomfortable with excess attention, like he feared might happen. Instead, Cait and Vi chatted about their vacation and coming home a day early for the party, and Sky told them of her newest project that had just gotten approved by professor Heimerdinger.
It was also more than he had ever dared to want because... Jayce.
Jayce, who wouldn’t stop touching him. Jayce, who watched as Viktor took the first bite of the cake he made with so much anxiety Viktor laughed. Jayce, who kept his arm on the back of Viktor’s chair all evening and brushed his fingers over Viktor’s shoulder every few minutes. Jayce, who saw that Viktor had frosting on the corner of his mouth, wiped it away with his thumb, and then licked it off.
So yeah, Viktor was a jittery, nervous mess. And his heart was beating so fast he was starting to get worried for his already fragile health.
“So, any plans for the rest of your big day?” Vi asked, and Viktor jumped at the question, too distracted by Jayce’s hand twirling a strand of his hair on the back of his neck.
“I, uhm, well—”
“If not, we thought maybe we could go back to my and Cait’s place, have a game night.” She added.
“Hell yes!” Jinx bellowed. Viktor bit his lip and tried to think of a way to get out of it. But Jayce spoke first.
“Viktor and I have plans, actually. A little birthday treat after this.” His voice was warm and smooth. Viktor wasn’t sure why it made him lightheaded.
“Oooooh, do you?” Jinx cooed, her chin propped on one palm, a smirk aimed at Jayce.
“Well, damn. It was about time.” Vi snorted, and Viktor started when he realized she was getting up and putting on her jacket.
“I’ll say. We’ll leave you to it,” Mel said in a sing-song voice, winking at Viktor, who just stared at everyone getting ready to leave with confusion.
“Good luck, you two.” Caitlyn said and, to Viktor’s shock, kissed his cheek loudly before ruffling Jayce’s hair.
“Don’t do anything I wouldn't!” Jinx advised, and then there was a big shuffle, and a gust of cold air as the door opened and closed, and then they were alone.
Suddenly, Viktor did not know where to look, what to say, or what to do with his hands. Everything was too bright, especially the man still sitting next to him, and he was too afraid of speaking and breaking whatever spell was in the air.
“V? You okay?” Jayce asked.
Viktor realized, belatedly, that he was clutching the material of his pants in his hand, and that his eyes were, somehow, closed. He opened them and looked at Jayce.
“Yes. No—I don’t know.” He said, and then covered his mouth in embarrassment. Jayce smiled, although he still looked concerned.
“Was this okay? Not too much?”
“This was perfect, Jayce, truly. The best birthday I could have imagined.” Viktor hoped his sincerity showed, because he had never meant anything more.
“Okay. And how do you feel about one more spot before I take you home?” Jayce asked, taking Viktor’s hand in his again. “I would get us an Uber, and then we’d go to this place, and there is an elevator, so getting where we need to be won’t be too difficult, and we don’t have to stay long, really, we don’t even have to go, to be fair, it’s not an event or anything, so If you aren’t fee—”
Viktor brought his hand up to Jayce’s cheek then and, as expected, the barrage of words ceased. He realized, with equal parts awe and disbelief, that Jayce was nervous. It made something inside of Viktor ease, knowing that he wasn’t alone in this.
“Jayce, I would love to go.” He whispered. Jayce’s answering grin was so soul-crushingly brilliant, Viktor wanted to bottle it up and stare at it forever.
They got dressed quickly, then fought over who should get to pay for five minutes, before Jayce admitted fighting was useless because he had already done it. Viktor wanted to fight some more, then, but Jayce wrapped Viktor’s new scarf around his neck and promptly covered his mouth.
They exited the pub laughing, Viktor’s long fingers clutched between Jayce’s and all his gifts bundled into a big tote bag that Jayce was hauling, and it was hard to remember what they were arguing about in the first place. Jayce didn’t let go of Viktor’s hand when they got into the car, holding it tightly in his lap as they cruised down Piltover’s streets.
Viktor didn’t know where they were going, and he couldn’t focus enough to try and find out. He just leaned his head on Jayce’s shoulder and hummed with pleasure when he felt Jayce kiss his hair absentmindedly.
His mind was a whirlwind of emotions, and he wondered if Jayce felt the same. If Viktor was, perhaps, too silly to hope that this night would change everything. That they were actually going to cross lines that they can’t uncross.
He was about to do something extremely reckless, like turn his head and kiss Jayce to free them both from this torment, when he felt the car crawl to a stop. Jayce exited way too quickly, leaving Viktor momentarily confused, until he saw that he was running around the car to open Viktor’s door for him.
He snorted with unrestrained fondness, grabbed his cane, and stepped out. He realized that they were at the Piltover Observatory tower, and gave Jayce a look. Jayce was looking at the floor, however, and he looked more nervous than Viktor, so Viktor let it go.
Jayce was not too nervous to grab his hand, thankfully. His skin was warm and clammy against Viktor’s, and Viktor squeezed his hand in silent support. Whatever was happening, Jayce was clearly a bundle of nerves about it.
They walked to the elevator like that and squeezed inside when it reached the ground floor. No one else was riding up with them, and Viktor figured the late hour had something to do with that.
When the elevator stopped at the very top of the tower, Viktor felt his heart pick up speed. He was suddenly struck with a memory of the last time he had been there. Of the night he met Jayce for the first time.
Jayce led him out by the hand, and they wandered across the roof slowly until they reached the lookout. Piltover was gorgeous, sprawled in front of them and decked out in holiday lights. The view was magnificent, with the occasional fireworks going off every few minutes.
Viktor wanted to speak, but he wasn’t sure what to say. Jayce seemed to be working himself up to something, and this visit seemed deliberate, but Viktor didn’t know how to help.
He decided to give his hand a squeeze and take a step towards Jayce, so that their shoulders touched. Jayce looked at him, and his eyes were shiny.
“Hi,” he said quietly, shyly, and Viktor smiled.
“Hey,” he replied. “You know you can tell me anything, right? There is no need to be nervous. It’s just me.” Viktor tried. Jayce snorted.
“But that’s the thing. It’s not just you. It’s you. You’re everything.” Jayce said, shaking his head. It was Viktor’s turn to look away and hide his burning cheeks behind the soft scarf around his neck.
“I, uh, wanted us to come here beacuse—because this is where we first met. Do you remember?”
“Of course I remember, Jayce.” What a silly notion. As if he could ever forget the night that changed his life.
“I was at my lowest. Depressed, lost, erratic, I did not see a point in living anymore.” Jayce murmured so softly Viktor barely caught it. “I came here to, uh—well, you know. End it.”
Viktor knew, of course. It still made him feel dizzy with fear, thinking about it. Remembering the lost look on Jayce’s face. The despair and fear. He never wanted to see it again.
“Yeah, and there I was, ready to die and stop being a burden on everyone who knew me—”
“Jayce, you’re no—”
“I know, V, I know. But there I was, ready to end it all, and there comes this annoying guy with a weird accent asking if he’s interrupting." Jayce laughs, and it’s light and easy and it makes Viktor smile too.
“Interrupting! As if he didn’t just stop me from jumping to my death.”
“Well, in my defense, I wasn’t sure what to say in such a situation. It was my first time.” Viktor snorted, and it made Jayce laugh again.
“Oh, so you don’t usually go saving strangers from certain death?”
“No, only the handsome ones I want to get to know.” Viktor shrugged. He was delighted with how easy it was to joke like this. To say what he really means.
“Thank God for these looks, then.” Jayce huffed and turned to face Viktor. Viktor turned as well, and they were so close their noses were almost touching.
“You saved my life that day, yes, and I might have been angry at you at first, but then... You kept doing it over and over.” Viktor swallowed and wiped a stray tear making its way down his cheek as Jayce continued. “Every day, you’d come to me with some inane engineering question. An idea you had. Asked for my input. Sent me music to check out. And somewhere along the way, I stopped waiting for my days to end so I could fall asleep and escape reality and started eagerly awaiting every new one so I could see you instead.”
Jayce took his hand again, and his other one flew up to brush against Viktor’s cheek.
“Sure, therapy helped, and so did the meds, but the real reason I wanted to keep living, that made me want to imagine a future...that was all you.” Jayce said, and Viktor didn’t even attempt to stop the tears pooling in his eyes.
“And it took me way too long to get myself together, to be stable enough to do this, because I want to be at my best for you, but, uh, I’m ready now, and I want to tell you—” He stopped then, winded and red-cheeked, and swallowed thickly.
“This all sounded much better in my head. But what I mean is, well, I feel—what I feel for you is a lot bigger—stronger—than just friendship. And I know I’m not always the best at communicating like this, and there is still so much to work on, and I might not ever be truly, like, healed? And I might have ups and downs, but if you’d—if you’d still want to, uh—”
Jayce stopped and took a deep breath that sounded more like a wheeze, and Viktor decided to put him out of his misery. He could barely believe what he was hearing, anyway. Jayce acting as if being with him wouldn’t be a privilege that Viktor has been dreaming about for a little over a year now. Ridiculous.
So Viktor leaned his cane on the railing next to them, grabbed the lapels of Jayce’s coat, and pulled him in before he could continue spiraling in front of him.
The first press of their lips was messy. Viktor was too eager, and Jayce was too stunned, and there were a lot more teeth involved than there should have been. But then Jayce took a deep breath and cupped Viktor’s face, and they tried again.
The second time, Viktor felt as if the ground beneath his feet were tilting. Jayce’s lips were warm and soft, and Viktor could taste remnants of cider and chocolate cake and mint on his tongue. They moved slowly and gently, just learning how the other feels, what makes them shudder, and what makes them sigh with pleasure.
Viktor was lightheaded by the time Jayce pulled away. He had trouble focusing on his face, but seeing Jayce's grin was enough to ground him. This was real. This was happening.
Viktor had just been kissed by Jauce Motherfucking Talis.
"I can't believe you're wearing the world's ugliest scarf on the night I finally get to kiss you." Jayce laughed. Viktor swatted his chest half-heartedly but laughed as well.
“I will take this kiss as a yes, by the way, and will not continue with that disaster of a speech.” Jayce breathed out and then stole another quick kiss before Viktor could even get his bearings.
“It wasn’t a disaster. And I am happy and proud to be with you. And I don’t need you to be perfect or always happy or...whatever else you said. I lo—I like you like this. Just the way you are.” Viktor stammered, feeling his cheeks heat at his near slip-up.
“Yeah?” Jayce grinned. “Well, I, for one, love you. I’ll wait for you to catch up though, no worries.” He laughed as Viktor buried his head into Jayce’s neck to hide his teary eyes and burning cheeks.
“I—I love you, too.” Viktor whispered. Jayce’s arms tightened around him, and then Jayce was tilting Viktor’s head up so they’d be eye to eye.
“Say it again?”
“I love you.” Viktor managed it without stammering this time. Jayce’s answering smile was brighter than the sun.
“I love you, too.” He replied. Viktor closed his eyes and breathed in deep, unable to believe that this was real life.
But it was.
The air was biting and cold, Piltover was a blanket of lights beneath them, Jayce was warm and solid against him, and his lips were insistent and eager and daring as they moved along his own.
All of it was real, and it was imperfect, and it was all his.
Viktor knew he was in for many more birthdays to come, but as Jayce kissed him and angled his jaw just so to lick inside his mouth, Viktor was sure of one thing and one thing alone: none of them would ever top this one.