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Dainix lay awake, looking up at the stars. He was alive. Falst was alive. Kendal was alive. The others… hopefully they were alive. It was his fault they'd been split apart, his fault the boat was broken. Him and his failure to contain the demon within.
Tahraim had said that he was a Crucible, that he was the fire within, and the fire was him. But Tahraim didn't actually care about Dainix, just what he could be shaped into. What did Tahraim want from him? And more importantly, what did Caliban want?
Falst had said they'd appeared on the beach, that she'd told him and Kendal what to do to save Dainix. He'd called Dainix their Crucible. Then she'd sent Falst off to steal a fireseed from Rakhn, which hadn’t even been necessary in the end.
Falst had said he'd recognized Caliban's scent. That Caliban had been at the prison. That they'd said he could be a problem when he'd pointed that out.
It made Dainix think back to that one odd guard in Zuurith with the slightly glowing orange eyes, the one who had psychoanalyzed him so casually and accurately and then laughed when he'd told them they didn't know anything about him. The one who had gotten him so worked up before he'd even spoken to that awful arenamaster. Had that been Caliban?
The very thought made anger and a kind of sick dread swirl together in his stomach. What were they playing at? His god rarely showed her face or got involved, and it was rare for them to actually be helpful whenever they actually did appear. For him to take an interest like this… and to call Dainix hers… they clearly had ulterior motives.
They'd called Falst a problem. Was Dainix's very presence endangering those he cared about, again?
He'd destroyed the boat. He'd split the party. He'd placed everyone in harm’s way. And now his god was calling someone he cared about a problem. Dainix couldn't hold back his dread.
Caliban had called Dainix his Crucible. Tahraim had helped him, a number of times. Kendal had said, when they were reunited earlier, in the voice of someone delivering unfortunate news, that Tahraim only took an interest in individuals he viewed as projects. And Caliban acting possessive, getting involved in a way they weren't known for… Tool or weapon, Kendal had said, had tried to ask the question but received only dodging from the god in response. He was either a tool or a weapon, one Tahraim was shaping for Caliban to use.
And he had a terrible suspicion he knew which one he was supposed to be.
Well, since he clearly wasn't going to get to sleep any time soon… Dainix got up and slipped out of camp as quietly as possible, finding an outcropping of rock to sit on.
He would try to keep watch, but Falst was already on watch, and Dainix knew he would likely not take kindly to Dainix being up and about instead of sleeping after his ordeal. Plus, as much as he normally enjoyed talking to Falst, he felt like he needed a moment alone with his thoughts.
Dainix looked out over the sea, part of him scanning for any sign of the other members of their party. They'll be okay, he reassured himself. They're all capable.
His thoughts inevitably turned to what Caliban wanted again. If they wanted a weapon, what for? Was he currently serving their plans, or were they growing frustrated with him? Would he be able to keep his friends from being caught in the crossfire, at least more than they already had been?
He looked up at the stars, trying to find comfort in their wandering patterns. Would Caliban care to preserve him at all if his existence didn't benefit him? Would she ever step in to save Dainix's friends like he had for Dainix? Dainix doubted it. His god had earned their reputation of having ulterior motives.
Soft footsteps, ones he might've missed if Falst had been trying to hide them, padded up behind him. “You should be asleep.” Falst's voice was stern. He clearly wasn't a fan of Dainix being up.
Dainix sighed, part of him grateful for Falst's presence, though it wasn't ideal at the moment. “I couldn't sleep.” He patted the spot next to him on the rocky shelf. Falst sat, albeit stiffly, tail twitching in seeming aggravation. “I just keep thinking.”
“You need to rest, Dainix. I just nearly dropped you in a fricking volcano! Go to sleep.”
“I wish it was that simple,” Dainix said, the corners of his mouth twitching into a tired smile. He really was tired, but his mind was racing, system still too flooded with adrenaline for him to go to sleep.
“Just– go lie down!” Frustration was clear in Falst’s voice, his tail whipping from side to side. It smacked into Dainix’s leg. “I’m keeping watch for a reason. You’re safe.”
“That’s not why I can’t fall asleep, Falst. I trust you.”
“Well, that’s—that’s good.” Falst seemed caught off guard - did he not expect that Dainix would trust him? “...I’m not dumb enough to trust anyone with my life,” Falst’s voice echoed from the depths of his thoughts, carrying a remembered twinge of hurt with the words. “So, why are you up, then?”
Dainix leaned back on his hands, gazing out at the distant horizon. “I’ve been worrying about Caliban. And Tahraim, but mostly Caliban. Whatever they want with me… they may have stepped in on my behalf, but I don’t think he’ll care enough to protect you. He might even decide to take you out herself if she thinks you’re too much of a threat, and I probably wouldn’t be able to stop them if they did.”
Falst bristled slightly. “I can protect myself.”
“I know that. I never said you couldn’t.”
“Well, good,” Falst said, tail twitching. “Because I can.”
Dainix found himself fighting to hold back a smile. “I know.”
“So you don’t have to worry about me. You have yourself to take care of.” Falst’s voice softened, just barely, and he seemed to unconsciously lean into Dainix. “I… you need to be safe, too.”
“I’m safe right here,” Dainix said gently. “I have you.” He felt Falst stiffen against his side, caught off guard and suddenly very awkward.
“You– you should go to bed!” Falst all-but-shouted, leaning away. “You need your rest! It’s only tactical.”
“In a bit,” Dainix reassured him. “I want to look at the stars for a little longer. Stay with me?”
“Fine,” Falst muttered reluctantly, settling back beside Dainix. “All right then. Just for a little while.”
“That’s all I need,” Dainix said, releasing a breath as he felt Falst relax into him again. The other man’s tail slowly wound its way around Dainix’s leg. He smiled softly to himself. “Don’t worry.”
Falst looked up at him, golden eyes intent. “And then you’ll go to bed?” His tail tightened slightly, as if to underscore the point, and he stiffened slightly but didn’t move it away. “You need to sleep, Dainix. I–” he took a deep breath in, looking down and away. “I want you to be safe, okay?” The next words seemed to catch in his throat as if they had clinging thorns, spat out almost in anger. “I– I care about you.”
It was the most open Dainix had ever heard Falst. He felt warm, even more so than usual. “I will,” he promised. “I want you to be safe, too.”
Falst sighed almost imperceptively and leaned further into Dainix’s side. Dainix closed his eyes for a few seconds and just breathed, enjoying the peaceful moment.
“You should go to sleep too,” he suggested gently after a few quiet minutes. “I can tell you’re tired.”
Falst shook his head, stifling a yawn. “Someone has to keep watch. And Kendal fought a god today, not to mention that paladin guy earlier and his injuries from that whole thing with Tynan. It’s not going to be him.”
“Fair enough,” Dainix conceded, though he was sure Kendal would insist he didn’t need the sleep and that he’d be appalled at the prospect of Falst staying up for his sake. Why was everyone in this party so stubborn and self-sacrificing? “I can always keep watch…” he offered hesitantly, knowing full well that Falst would never accept that answer. “I still don’t think I’ll be able to sleep, so I might as well. No need for you to be up, too.”
Falst bristled, as expected. “No. Absolutely not. You burned out earlier; you’re going to sleep. I’m keeping watch.”
Dainix was never going to convince him otherwise. Ah well. It had been worth a shot. “All right then.” They passed a few more minutes more or less in silence until Falst’s tail twitched where it was wrapped around Dainix’s leg, and he jerked away, seeming suddenly to truly realize it had been there and he’d let it stay. His posture went stiff and closed-off again, clearly embarrassed.
“Well, it’s been a bit!” he announced, face flaming and tail about as far away from Dainix as he could get it. Dainix tried to suppress his amusement. “Time for you to go to bed!”
Dainix stood, stretching with a slight yawn. He was tired, even though he knew from experience that his brain would not yet allow him to sleep. “Fine, fine.” He stretched out a hand to Falst, who took it after a moment of hesitation, still red and refusing to meet Dainix’s eyes. Dainix pulled him up. “You too.”
“I can’t, Dainix. I’m–”
“–on watch, I know." Dainix smiled at him. “But you can walk back to camp with me, can’t you?”
“...Fine.” Falst looked down at the ground, abruptly dropping Dainix’s hand as he seemed to realize he was still holding it.
They walked back to camp, side-by-side, in silence. A campfire had been made in a pit lined with stones as part of setting up. Kendal was awake, sitting cross-legged next to the fire and gazing into it with an air of contemplation.
“What are you doing up?” Falst demanded.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Kendal answered. “I don’t really need to, anyway. Not as much as you and the others.”
Falst gritted his teeth. “I’m on watch. Go. To. Bed.” His point was undermined immediately after when he yawned.
“I can take watch,” Kendal offered. “I’ve had my share of sleep for now. You’re clearly tired.”
“It’s my shift,” Falst insisted. “You’re supposed to be asleep.”
“I don’t think I can fall asleep yet,” Kendal said, unintentionally echoing Dainix’s argument. “Not again. You might as well rest. I’ll take over a bit early, since I’m up.”
Falst stood silently for a few stubborn moments, tail lashing angrily, then groaned loudly in frustration and threw up his hands. “Argh, FINE! But Dainix is going to bed too. And I’m covering part of your shift next time.”
Kendal nodded in solemn agreement. “Go rest.”
Falst curled up in his place, muttering angrily to himself for a minute before it petered out as he dropped off, and Dainix lay back down. He closed his eyes and tried to hold on to the peace he’d felt looking at the stars, hoping he was wrong and he could fall asleep, but to no avail. After twenty minutes spent worrying once more - weapon or tool, weapon, weapon - he wearily rose and went to sit by the fire.
Kendal looked up. “You should be sleeping,” he greeted, no recrimination in his voice. Just a statement of fact.
“I know,” Dainix said ruefully. “I can’t sleep, either.” Sitting with Kendal like this, one-on-one, reminded him of the last time they’d been up late at night talking. Back at Zuurith. He’d only just met Kendal - not that they’d known each other for that much longer, but a sef was better than mere hours - and hadn’t yet known any of what he was now dreading. Just a weapon, Kendal had called himself. And Dainix had responded by asking him how long he’d known, almost as if a part of him already knew that he was the same.
Kendal had said he was just a weapon. That he’d always known that, and it was just what he was. He was obviously wrong about being nothing more, but he believed he was only there to be Vash’s weapon, like Dainix was Caliban’s. How did he cope with that?
Dainix had been staring into the fire for a minute, lost in thought. It brought him no peace to see his own nature reflected back at him.
Kendal had let the quiet sit. He was there. Dainix could ask him.
“I think I’m a weapon for Caliban,” he said quietly. Kendal tilted his head to the side, listening. “I think she wants to use me, but I don’t know for what. You said you were a weapon for Vash.” Though, the god had seemed to have other ideas… but Kendal believed it, so he could still offer insight. “How do you deal with that?”
“It’s not something I really have to deal with,” Kendal said apologetically. “It doesn’t really bother me. It’s just what I was made to be.” He paused. “You’re more than just a weapon, though. You’re a person. You were born, you’ve lived a life, you know how to talk to people and have a family to get back to. I was just created like this.”
“You’re more than just a weapon, too,” Dainix said. “You have friends. You care about us, and about everyone you meet. You see things in a way that only an independent being could.”
“You’re right that I’m not just a weapon,” Kendal admitted. “I’m also Vash’s legacy. I have to live for all of his people, who were taken too soon with no one else to remember them.”
“But you’re also a person.”
Kendal tilted his head slightly. "Sure. And so are you."
“I’m a Crucible, and Caliban wants me to be their weapon. Both he and Tahraim have taken an interest.” He looked down at his hands, where they were fisting into the hem of his poncho - the traditional Ravvan patterning on the wyrmsilk reminding him of all he had lost by being what he was and doing the damage he had done. “My very presence could endanger you. It already has.” He’d destroyed the boat—he’d destroyed his home—and he couldn’t count on it stopping at that. What if he’d hurt the others? What if they were dead, because of the way he’d lost control?
His skin began to crack slightly, only weak flickering beneath. His inner fire was still sapped. No, no, no. He couldn’t lose control again, no matter how weak the flames were.
“Deep breaths,” Kendal said, sounding like he was echoing something he’d heard someone else say before. Probably Alinua. He took in a slow, intentional breath - Dainix remembered the way they’d figured out Kendal didn’t actually need to breathe unless he was fighting or hurt, though he supposed the other man was injured currently, so he might need to at the moment - and blew it out, Dainix mirrored him, and the two breathed together for a few minutes. The cracks in Dainix’s hands gradually sealed over, the fire subsiding. Dainix’s next exhale was full of relief.
“You’re not a danger, Dainix,” Kendal said quietly, voice serious. “You’re still a person. And you’re just as safe to be around as anyone else.”
“I destroyed the boat,” Dainix protested. “Falst had to venture into a volcano and you had to fight a god because of me. I’m the reason we don’t know where Alinua and Erin and Tess are.” Or even if they’re alive.
“You only lost control because that paladin attacked to try and kill Erin,” Kendal pointed out reasonably. “And we did that for you because we cared, not because you made us. None of it was your fault. It was out of your control.”
“I should be able to keep my cool. Having me around shouldn’t be more hindrance than help.” I’m a danger. A weapon. What happens if Caliban or Tahraim decide that the party is in the way of what they want me to become? What if I lose myself again, and someone I care about gets hurt?
“It’s not.” Kendal looked Dainix in the eyes. “You stopped Erin when he lost control. You kept Falst alive. You haven’t hurt any of us, and knowing you, you’re not going to. Not in a way that does any lasting damage, anyway, as long as we have Alinua and Erin to fix it.”
Dainix didn’t want to say the words hovering just on the edge of his tongue. What if we don’t, anymore? Because of me? Kendal must’ve read them in his face, though, because he hurried to reassure him.
“And we still do,” he said, in a tone that left no room for doubt. “They’re strong and capable, and we survived. Alinua’s definitely okay, and Tess wouldn’t let anything happen to Erin, regardless of how incapacitated he may be.”
Dainix hoped Kendal was right.
“No matter what comes,” Kendal continued, “We’ll face it. Together.”
Maybe both of them were weapons, but maybe they were also people. And maybe Dainix was dangerous, but he wasn’t the only one, and the people he had come to think of as his friends even after so short a time wanted him there anyway.
“Together,” he agreed. Then he yawned, tiredness beginning to overtake him at last. “I think I’m going to go to bed now.” He could think about this more in the morning.
“Goodnight,” Kendal said. “Sleep well, Dainix.”
“Goodnight,” Dainix said back over his shoulder. “You too.”
He drifted off minutes after he lay down. His dreams were filled with fire.