Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

For the first time ever Neil realized he had time. It was a confusing and exciting notion, his brain was too fuzzy to fully grasp that the clock was not loudly clicking anymore, no sword hanging on his head. His whole life has been marked by the hectic pace of one foot in front of the other, moving, leaving unrecognizable marks on different people and places. Now he was waking up, rested and without the scent of nightmares around him. It was the first time.

With his eyes still closed, Neil traced carefully the marks on his face, to see if they were still there, to be sure that it was not a dream. The scars were in fact there, the skin was unnaturally smooth and blurred on his left cheek and scarred lines were mapping all his right side. Following that trail almost sent an electric shock to his brain, he jolted half up, still sitting on the big puff sofas. He hated the knee reaction that touching his skin gave him, his heart was filled with fear and something very cold and empty every time, even for just a second. Only after sitting up he realized that his back was aching really bad, and looking down with eyes half closed he found the culprit. Andrew was there, weirdly still sleeping, with the elbow right where his back was and Neil’s shirt hem tightly squeezed between his fingers. He almost looked like he was making sure that he was not disappearing during the night. They were in the girl’s room: the whole team, minus Aaron, spent the night there playing a card game that Neil was more than content with only watching from afar, taking in all the giggles and curses his heated teammates were throwing while playing, a single finger interwoven with the boy next to him.

Now, everyone was scattered in the small living room, the only ones missing were Matt and Dan. Neil smirked.

Empty beer cans were precariously standing on various edges of the room, almost floating. The newly risen sun was letting it’s light shine timidly, filtered by the windows and Renee’s sun catchers: shells, brownish pieces of glass and CDs cutouts. Neil was slowly taking it all in. For the first time, he was not feeling like screaming or running or hiding in panic. He just wanted to take all the silence and warmth of this instant all in.
The feeling didn’t last long.

Usher’s Yeah abruptly filled the room with everyone gasping in almost panic, Nicky’s phone was ringing loudly.
“I’m gonna kill him” a flat toned threat from Andrew, who was now sitting up, with messy hair and only one eye open. “I will fucking stab him”.
Everyone was sloppily complaining, urging Nicky to answer. Allison threw an empty can at his head “Turn that thing off or I’m helping the monster twin to commit a murder”.

Nicky's sleepy face suddenly lightened up with a toothy smile “Sorry guys, lovers duties” he said while skipping towards the door, probably to go into his room. Erik was surely calling. Another thrown empty beer can, this time it hit Nicky right in the nape. He cursed and locked the door behind him. His muffled voice grew further and further. Neil giggled, finding himself feeling a new emotion: was it happiness? No, not really, what was it then? He didn’t have an answer yet. Nicky was out, the room was quiet again and everyone slowly dozed off. Everyone except Andrew and Neil.
Neil stood up, offering a helping hand to Andrew, who was cross-legged on the flower stamped carpet. His hair was frizzy and his eyes were surrounded by a darker veil, evidence of the sudden awakening.

“Hey”

There was no reply, but something moved in Andrew’s eyes, and his fingers clutched almost imperceptibly. Neil wondered if these glimpses of under-the-shell Andrew were visible to the others too from time to time or if it was something only the absolute and raw honesty between them made possible. Without leaving Neil’s eyes, Andrew caught his shirt again, standing up and never letting go. With a finger he pointed to the ceiling.

“Up”

The roof was chilly, but the day was slowly getting warmer. Plus, Andrew apparently had no intention of letting Neil go, and there was a glowy warmth radiating from his other shoulder, not that he was complaining. Andrew never softened the grip around the fabric.

“You know, I will not disappear out of thin air” Nail said smiling, a rare type of smile that he feared was reserved only for Andrew. It was not a smirk, not the usual smartass giggle, but a sweet and soft curling of his lips.

“Wouldn’t be the first time you lie” Andrew mumbled 

“Not to you, not anymore, you have all of me”

Andrew inhaled the stingy morning air almost ritually, his face still marked all over with some sleepmarks all over. He pulled Neil closer, letting him sit on the ground between his legs and almost locking him there. Neil didn’t move a single muscle; he knew this was a lot of physical closeness for the other, and didn’t want to risk it. In a totally unexpected way, Andrew tilted Neil's face softly and started following every inch of marked skin with his eyes. Neil was not sure he could decipher what was hidden behind the other’s eyes; some things were still encrypted. He just knew that Andrew felt guilty, and he would probably always feel that way. Matt had told him that by the minute Andrew had realized that something was off, it was hell on earth, he was like a fury, like a madman looking for clues with fire in his eyes. Now, everyone was certain that Andrew was capable of feeling some kind of emotions. Neil was sure he could feel even more than that. Lost in the thread of his thoughts, he almost didn’t notice how close Andrew was, his lips were a breath away from touching the scars while he moved his thumb in a ghostly brush on his once burned spot. He knew he was purposely being careful to not touch his skin, he was too aware of the tearing lingering feelings hidden behind every inch of them. Neil trembled, thinking about Andrew’s lips easing his still ripping pain anchored to his skin.

“Can I kiss your hand, yes or no?” Neil asked.
A nod from Andrew was all it took for Neil to grab his hand, touching with his fingers its whiter pieces of skin, right near the knuckles.

“Walls or faces?”
Andrew didn’t answer and didn’t look away from his and Neil’s hands intertwined. He looked mesmerized, and Neil once again couldn’t believe this was the same person everyone saw as cruel and souless. But his more egoistic side was very faint that this was reserved to him and him only. His Andrew.

Neil carefully kissed every single finger, then traced the palm lines of Andrew’s hand, almost looking for his future in it. It felt like worshipping something sacred. This was the hand of someone who murdered, who punched and stabbed. But again, this was the hand that caressed him in that Baltimore’s Motel. Neil was not religious, what’s a god to someone who didn’t believe in anything? But now he believed. Andrew was the only full stop he believed in. The devotion growing in his chest was devouring every corner of his body and soul, Neil felt almost nauseated and lightheaded. But it didn’t matter, everything could be spinning, but he had an anchor, a place to return and stay, a key and a home. He found him when no one was looking and didn’t divert his gaze when the view was painted with blood, lies, trails of bodies and ripped skin. It was still very unsettling, his flight mode was still in there ,ringing in his ears, every part of his brain was telling him to run, to lie, to hide his head under the dirt. Screaming that this was dangerous, this could ruin him. He had to actively think that no, he was not running anymore. Yes, the butcher was dead, he was soil and worms now, the scars on his body were not a reminder of him anymore, but a celebration of his survival The thought of his dead father kept making him smile. Neil had a life now and his father did not. The face that hunted him in the mirror may be the one shared with a monster, but he chose to not be the same.

The sun was almost fully up, coloring the sky with a burned orange color that painted Andrew’s hair like fire. Something new bloomed every time their eyes intertwined. Andrew's lips looked like a tangerine, his face was pink, maybe from the wind or maybe from the light and his eyes were gleaming. Neil noticed some freckles near the left one, he wanted to touch them and memorize them, engrave them in his mind as a safe-keep. This was his Andrew. No one could be this close, he was the only allowed.

Without the need of asking any question, Neil whispered “Yes”.

And Andrew submerged his mouth in Neil’s, not hungry, not desperate. The world was not collapsing anymore, they had time to explore, learn, maybe even love. So unfamiliar and scary, what was even love? Neil didn’t like that word; it was a combination of letters he didn’t get. Did his mother love him? Is that what love is? The thought of her twisted affection made his insides clutch; to Neil, love was surviving, was running, leaving a trail of killings, and never retrieved soul pieces. Love was something consuming and scattering. This was not it; this was something entirely different.

Andrew was a word he liked, better than love.

Neil was as still as he could, not touching, only following Andrew between heavy breaths. He really liked kissing. He wanted to absorb everything, wanted all of him, but he knew better. He was more than happy to have whatever Andrew allowed him to. His mouth was soft and sweet, you’d never tell he was spitting barbed words most of the time.

For a second, as a burning sensation was building in his stomach and cheeks, Neil thought that maybe that’s what people felt about God. This is the devotion that they preach. He felt like he was roughly worshipping Andrew, putting his hands in the gold-dipped hair and asking for confirmation with his eyes. Only after that, he pulled their heads closer, also tilting Andrew’s neck, wanting to smell. Cigarettes and cotton.

“You do have a fetish”

Neil giggled, nuzzling behind Andrew’s ear. He knew Andrew actually liked it,the relaxed breath coming from him was proof of that.
Andrew put a lighted cigarette near Neil’s mouth, who accepted it.

“So this is how you act with someone you hate”

“I don’t hate you. I despise you. I will not let you go.”

Neil felt his stomach dropping, the gravity was so strong but it was not pointing him towards the earth, he was pulling him more and more towards the body near him.
He tapped Andrew’s shoulder with his head.

“Same. I do have the keys of your house Andrew”

“Sounds like a threat.”

Neil still didn’t know what to do with all that time. They were free from classes for a few days, and spending every waking moment hanging by Andrew’s lips was a disgustingly nice plan, but not really doable. Maybe it was minutes or hours, Neil didn’t know. They actually dozed off a little while cuddled and he woke up to the sounds of car horns and Andrew’s curses. They didn’t move after that. Just there in silence, bathing in each other's presence.

Neil feared he could get addicted to this, it was scary to feel so interwoven with someone. He was the only one to know everything, every landmark of his existence. Andrew saw his hell, he saw him being scared of it but also embracing it, he stared at the devilish smile on Neil’s face when he recalled the laughter he had to choke in front of Riko's lifeless presence. Everyone called Andrew a monster, but they both were, two devils walking side by side. But they also were not. Neil could never see Andrew as someone bad, he understood all of him, he was not a mystery. More like a puzzle that Neil wanted to solve. He never solved a puzzle actually. He had never tried anything, he didn’t have any hobbies. Suddenly, he wanted to find one.

“I want a hobby”.

The flat gaze of Andrew was tinted only by a slightly raised eyebrow.

“Isn’t catching a ball that to you?”

Neil’s face was almost outraged, Exy was not a hobby, it was his fuel, the only thing that he clung to more than surviving.

“My bad. I forgot you’re a boring nerd.”

Neil stared at Andrew with a crescent smile and crispy eyes. “You really like me.”

Andrew tilted his head, pointing a finger at Neil’s chest. “You’re the most annoying small feral animal coach brought us”

Neil looked at Andrew up and down “You are calling me small”

“Shut up.”

“And you like petting me.”

“I am gonna break that pretty nose.”

Before Neil could say anything, the door opened with a strong metal bang, and Allison was standing there, smirking and posing like she solved the biggest mystery you can think of.
“Knew it,” she screamed down the stairs, “that’s another win for me”.
Voices of complaint raised from downstairs. Neil made a mental note to ask Matt to fucking stop betting on them.

“When you two turtle doves are done being all lovely, Kevin is looking for you.” A big smile plastered on her face was her goodbye.

Kevin was waiting for them, still in the girl’s room for some reason, he was leaning near the couch backrest, while Renee and Allison were brewing coffee.

“We were supposed to go practicing one hour ago”. He was pissed and could not stop tapping his fingers on his hips.
Andrew made an overly dramatic gasp. “Let me check here” he said while putting his hands first inside the jeans pockets, then in the jacket‘s ones.

“What are you doing?” Kevin asked.

“Looking for the fucks I give” Andrew dully replied.

Kevin ignored him, clocked his tongue and pointed his finger at Neil “I expected more from you”.

Neil was not bothered, he had all the time in the world and he really wanted to kiss Andrew, so what’s an hour in the grand scheme of things now? He rolled his eyes and smiled, feeling almost drunkish.
Kevin was still bickering with an unfazed Andrew.

“-and fuck you both. You heard me”

Andrew eyes shrinked, becoming almost a flat line, and he said “Sorry, this thing-” he circled his finger around him and Neil “-is exclusive, you cannot fuck us both”.

Renee and Allison were minding their own business, drinking the freshly made coffee near the microwave, but they let out a very big and loud gasp. Renee had to physically stop Allison from spitting out the beverage.

Neil raised a brow “This thing?” Andrew always said that This was Not a thing, there was no This. So, that was new.
Andrew pointed an ominous finger to Neil’s mouth.

“Don’t now.”

Neil found it endearing and as soon as he realized it he couldn’t believe it: he was attaching the word “endearing” to Andrew Minyard, which was definitely unexpected.

Twenty minutes later Neil, Kevin and Andrew were walking out of their shared room, weirdly in silence. Andrew was clutching on Neil’s jeans jacket’s edge again. Neil thought that maybe that was his way of holding hands and he felt like blushing. That was new. At that point he knew the heat, he knew the knotting sensation in his stomach and knees, but feeling the soft warmness radiating his skin was something he had felt only when he had been sick with a fever. He had to touch his cheeks to make sure he was not boiling up. He was still in disbelief about the thing they had going on, that they were a This, walking together. He felt like he was constantly bathing in the sun heat with Andrew by his side. It still didn’t make sense in Neil’s brain. But at the same time, it was the only possible outcome.

“Can you two be normal for five minutes?” Kevin said behind them.

Andrew stroked him with his eyes and without stopping looking at Kevin, he pulled Neil closer. Neil was crookedly smiling, he apparently really liked being handled by the other. Maybe Andrew was even able to lift him. He had been so scared of strong hands, of being tossed and beaten that feeling the measured and gentle force that Andrew used each time they touched made him light. This lightness was so new, he didn’t know what to do with it. Everything was new. The only thing that didn’t change was his core, but now he felt like he could embellish it as much as he wanted, with no rush.

“Beads stringing” Neil said out loud, gaining a confused look from Kevin, whose complaint was barely registered in Neil’s mind.

Andrew lifted his eyes and met Neil’s with an unamused expression. “Say what now.”

“As a hobby. I can even make you a bracelet”

“I told you to not do that” Andrew said while morbidly moving his hand in front of Neil’s face.

“Do what?” Neil stared at him.

Andrew barely touched Neil’s chin with a single finger “That look of yours, just don’t”.

“Oh come on” Kevin rolled his eyes and walked right through them towards the car with the racquet swinging on his shoulder.

“If your majesty does not tie down a knot or two there will be the need for a new sedan” Neil knew Andrew didn’t mean that. The world would end before he’d bail on Kevin, or maybe all it would take was Neil disappearing again, but he planned to not do that and to be the stickiest fucker around there. He wondered if that’s how it felt to Andrew when he was gone, like the world was ending.
Nevertheless, he elbowed Andrew lightly.

During practice everything was normal, even Andrew joined for an hour before benching himself out of boredom, he said. To Neil, nothing was better than training or playing Exy, he looked forward to the strong rush he felt every time he had his racquet in his hands. Nothing could beat Exy. Well, almost nothing.

Two and half an hour later, Neil was embracing the burning ache in all his muscles and limbs, slowly catching his breath again. He went closer to the bench where Andrew was lying upside down, hair cascading. Neil was happy that Andrew was letting his hair grow a little more, he adored how they reflected the sun and framed his face. Neil felt the other eyes glued to his face while drinking: Andrew looked hypnotized by Neil’s little gulping movements and on the other hand, Neil was so enchanted by the other’s stare that he ended up gravitating towards him. He quietly asked “Yes or no”, and Andrew just nodded. Neil kneeled down and gave him a very soft kiss, a smooch. It reminded him of that Spider Man movie he watched with Matt: three days ago he found out that Neil had never held a comic in his hands and thought that “Spider Man” was just a Halloween costume and so he made watch that movie. The kiss went on and on and Andrew, still upside down, started to play with Neil’s hair with his fingers, following the soft curls shape.

A loud bang made them jump a little, Kevin was standing there, staring at them, arm crossed after he speed launched the ball into the goal. Andrew showed him his middle finger and gave a swift caress to Neil’s hair before letting him go back to practice.

On the ride back there was silence, Neil thought it was a comfortable one, but Kevin constantly tapping his fingers on the car window was pointing to other types of feelings.

“I’m gonna use your face to wipe your dirty finger prints from that” Andrew said while driving.

Neil was in the front seat, holding his head in his palm. He was tired but content with the outcome of his morning. While lost in his mental recap of the practice and of his missteps, Andrew took a turn that did not lead to the dorm, but straight to the city.

“Where are we going?” Kevin asked with crossed arms.

“Your murdering site.”

Kevin rolled his eyes and pouted during the full duration of the drive, which was not that long. Neil took a mental note of every street and turn, slowly memorizing them. He knew there was no need, no one was kidnapping or threatening him, but old habits die hard. Neil had never been on this side of the city, he had no idea where they were. It looked like a residential area,a busy street with some kids running around and old people sitting on benches. The car double parked in front of a small shop with bright colored neon letters on top of the entrance spelling “Crafts”. Neil was confused and looked questionably at Andrew, who simply hopped off the car, leaving the keys in Neil’s hands. Andrew entered the shop and was gone for a while.

The comfortable silent wait was broken off only by Kevin.

“You were distracted today” he pointed out, Neil knew he had been, in fact, very distracted. But he was not sorry for it.

“Yes”

“Yes? That’s all?”

“Should I file an apology letter?”

Kevin was not amused with that reply “Whatever”.

Andrew returned to the driving seat, handing two small green plastic bags to Neil. Very curious and still a little confused, Neil looked inside the first one. It was several clear small boxes full of colorful beads, in a multitude of shapes: round, square, flowers and even small hearts. Not only that, there were also different types of strings and threads. Neil was shocked, so shocked that he physically had to touch his chest’s left side because he felt like his heart was about to dip outside of his body. He looked up to Andrew that was already turning on the car, with his eyes pinned on the road.

“You got me beads”

“I didn’t know which ones you liked better” Andrew said like what he just did was the most predictable thing ever.
“You got me beads and strings and -” Neil was looking inside the other bag “-wait, colored pencils?” Neil threw a questioning look at Andrew.

“These are mine. I need them.”
“For what?” Neil felt like this exciting and puzzling confusion that Andrew brought him was starting to feel very dear.

“My notes” Andrew pointed at his hazel eyes “Photographic memory”.

Something was so endearing about that. This was the second time he thought Andrew was endearing in a matter of hours, with his colored notes and beads making. What the fuck was his life becoming?

“You highlight criminal justice notes with colored pencils?”

“Yes”

Neil bumped his fist on Andrew's shoulder, barely touching him, smiling.

“Hey. Thanks” and Andrew replied by grabbing Neil’s hand and putting it open on his own leg, slowly without moving his eyes from the road ahead.

“Now you have a hobby”.

Kevin snorted in the backseat, Neil had forgotten about him being there too.

Neil didn’t have a hobby. He hated sitting there trying to get the small beads into the strings, and now everything was messy with beads all over the floor. Kevin was quietly studying on the couch with his headphones on and Andrew was cross legged on the carpet, going through his notes with pink and green pencils. Endearing. Neil managed to do one bracelet in almost two hours and it was so ugly that he did not wish it upon anyone. He grunted loudly, drawing Andrew’s attention, who frowned his way.

“What?”

“I am bad at this.”

Andrew stood up and went towards the desk where Neil was sitting, almost slipping on some round beads that laid on the floor. He really tried to look cool even if he almost ended butt on the ground. Neil giggled.

“We are at 120%”

“Of what?” As if he didn’t know.

“Hate”

Neil smiled “Whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night”.

Andrew looked carefully at the handmade bracelet, he analyzed it as if it were the most precious thing he had ever seen, touching it carefully as if it had an ancient relic in his hands. The bracelet was hanging from his fingers, slightly swinging, and he put it near Neil’s face. The beads were different shades of blue and azure, with some heart shaped here and there. Andrew's eyes moved from Neil to the bracelet over and over, as if he was trying to figure something out.

“I think it’s mine”

“What is yours?”

Andrew flatly replied “what is mine? This-“ he swung the bracelet “-and you” as it was the most obvious thing on earth.
Oh. He was, he really was. But why the bracelet?

“The beads are the same color as your eyes. I will wear it.” Andrew said, as if he just read his mind.

Neil felt like the pavement was gone and he was falling down fast. Was that the reason why it was called falling for someone? He smiled. “You are disgustingly cute, Andrew.”

Andrew blankly stared at him “Say it again and-”

“You are cute” Neil jingled and could not stop smiling, half of the reason being that he actually enjoyed rubbing off Andrew like that, he was the only one who could.

“I am gonna hit you with these beads, one by one.”

He laughed and Andrew slipped the bracelet on his wrist, admiring it with something between awe and pride, and then sat down, carefully missing the beads spread on the floor.

Neil was never making a bracelet again, this was certainly not his hobby.

“Books”

“What now?”

“I can try reading”

Andrew didn’t even look at him “Aren’t you too much of a jock for that? Are you sure you can read?”

“Fuck you”

“You wish”

The following day Neil had a pile of three books in front of him, from Matt, Renee and Aaron. He was not entirely sure why Aaron gave him a book, maybe the pages were laced with poison.
They started to practice as a team again so he was kinda tired, but still determined to pick a book. He started with the one on top of the pile, and when he was half way through the third chapter he dropped it. Literally dropped it on the floor. He was so pissed at this Harry kid with his scar and his martyr complex, could not stand him.

“Unexpected. Did Matt-is-always-right pick up the wrong choice?” Andrew asked while mixing milk and cocoa powder in his mug. That mug looked like it had lived countless lives, Neil knew for sure it was thrown off the table more than one time and the crooked edge was proof of that.

“This guy is boring and I can already see where the story will go.”

“He reminds me of someone” Andrew pointed the teaspoon to Neil, who lifted both his brow.

“You read this? You?”

“What? Am I illiterate?” Andrew said while heating his drink in the microwave.

“Did you like it?”

“No” Andrew replied, stirring the beverage.

Some pink smores were added to the already sweet cocoa and Andrew sat on Neil’s side, legs touching. These quiet moments were the most dear to Neil and he suspected Andrew thought the same. The reassuring calmness of silence and of nothing was soothing. Neil wanted to steal one smore, even knowing that it was too sweet for him, he just enjoyed the annoyed look Andrew gave him every time he stole his food. In doing so, Neil brushed the piping hot mug with his forearm, overreacting at the heat sensation on his scarred skin. When it was just the two of them, he was starting slowly not to wear the black armbands, he didn’t feel like hiding his marks from Andrew was necessary anymore, so the mug touched directly his skin. He hissed and cursed and for a second everything went pitch black. But he closed his eyes for a second, he was fine. Even though his brain was tricking him, making him think of past pains, he was fine.

He opened his eyes again, Andrew was staring an inch from his face, with his hand almost touching Neil’s arm.

“You are fine now.” He was.

“I’m sorry” Neil said with a voice that sounded too broken for his liking.

“What did I tell you about saying that shit? Repeat that again and I will -“ Andrew hadn’t made a fake stabbing threat to Neil since Baltimore, even if that was his go-to line, he was slowly also taking the habit of dropping his knives in a drawer when it was just the two of them behind closed doors. He knew how much effort that cost Andrew.

“- punch you in the gut”.

Without replying, Neil tilted his head to be less further from Andrew, who now was sipping silently. Neil picked another book, this one was about a guy seeing monsters apparently. After some time he was so hooked up in the reading that he slowly slipped his upper body on Andrew’s legs without even realizing. The other boy was keeping himself busy playing again with the shape of Neil’s curls.

A clang sound disrupted the peace. The door opened and there it was Nicky entering, gentle like a bull in a china shop. Neil tried to stand up but Andrew pinned gently his shoulder to his own leg. Nicky huffed with a smirk on his face.

“What?” Aaron's voice echoed and his head appeared near the door frame.

“It’s just Andrew and-“

“Jesus Christ” Aaron said, rolling his eyes.

“No, just Neil” Andrew replied “I get you can be confused since both had suicidal tendencies.”

“Are you two attached on the hip?“ Aaron was always not so happy in seeing them together, so Neil scooted closer to Andrew and sent him an overly dramatic flying kiss with a wink.

“I’m gonna throw up.” and Aaron went back to his new room while still mumbling shits.
Nicky was not impressed by the theatrics, by that point the same scene had already happened at least another five times.

“What are you love birds doing here?”

“Looking for a punching target” and Andrew hitted Nicky’s shoulder by throwing the last untouched book.
Nicky cursed and picked up the book with a confused look plastered on his face “Is this yours my dear cousin?” And both Neil and Andrew replied at the same time “Renee”.

Nicky overly arched his eyebrows “And they also speak together.”

Nicky was flipping the pages while leaning with his hips on the edge of the couch, and started ranting about teams and some guy named Edward. Neil had no idea what he was talking about and he was quite sure it was not some Exy player from a rival team, so he decided to ignore him and returned to his book.

Five minutes passed and Nicky asked “What are you reading?”

Andrew slipped the hand off Neil’s shoulder to let him sit up and scooted a little to leave some space for his cousin.
Neil was not used to books and stories and all that, but he really liked the guy in these pages.

“-and so they think he stole the lighting but I honestly don’t believe it was him.”

While telling Nicky about the plot, Neil realized that he was enjoying the book Aaron had picked for him. He closed it and put it down.
Didn’t care about being petty. No more reading.

Chapter Text

Dinner that day was with the Foxes as a whole, Matt picked up some pizza at a restaurant near the dorm and they all ate it together in the girl’s room, as of lately. After minutes spent arguing about which movie to watch, Allison took charge again and chose one from her collection. Half an hour later everyone was cozied up to the point of sleeping. Neil was tugged near Andrew, with their legs crossed together and fingers brushing. He knew he had night training with Kevin and Andrew at ten, so he didn’t even try to take a nap. As clockwork, at five minutes to ten Kevin stood up, so did Andrew and so did Neil. They quietly went out without disturbing the others.

“Hope tonight your head will be in the right place” Kevin said.

Andrew snorted and they both looked at him. Neil’s eyes were widely opened with his face in between horrified and amused.

“Oh my god” Kevin's eyes rolled so high that Neil thought they were about to pop out.

“Wherever my head is, I can still beat you in a run.” Neil teased him.

“Bet.” and they both started running as fast as they could.

If Neil had to pick, running was for sure in his top five favorite things in the world. The legs’ muscles stirring and heating, the growing heart rate and the pearly sweat around his face were things he was addicted to, and he also was a damn good runner. Of course it was an ability developed over time, he was used to abruptly sprint away from people that stopped or recognized him. Running meant surviving, meant escaping. But it also meant Exy. All the Foxes raced him at least one time, always losing; Kevin was the only one who didn’t come to terms with not beating him. As expected he was first, with Kevin right behind him, panting.
Neil’s smirk was silently teasing Kevin and he knew he’d pay for it on the court.

Andrew took his sweet time and arrived playing with his car keys between fingers. Hot. He was hot. That’s what Neil was thinking.

Practice was good, the drills went well and Kevin didn’t complain much. Around midnight they went back to their rooms and, while Kevin went right to sleep, Neil and Andrew hanged a little bit in the living room. The quiet night was their favourite moment to spend together. Neil was once again surprised by how his mind was starting to think about this whole situation as “home”. It was not really about the building, more about the people. They were all bricks of his new home. He smiled silently.

“You look insane”

Neil looked right in Andrew's eyes “Oh now I’m the insane one”.

“Don’t you have any other clothes than Foxes’ ugly merch?” Andrew pointed at Neil’s bright orange longsleeve.

“Why? I like it.”

“I’ll get you real clothes.”

Silence fell between them again. Neil was tired but his mind was still running.

“What about -”

“No.” Andrew uttered plainly.

“I didn’t say anything yet.”

Andrew looked up at him, “It was bound to be stupid.”

Neil rolled his eyes and continued “Cooking. What about cooking?”

“I hate you”

“Sure. I mean I could be a good cook. I know how to use knives.”

“Will you murder me?”

“With knives? That’s so un original. You deserve better.”

Andrew touched his heart with a fake teared up expression. “I’m flattered, I’m honored, I’m-“

Neil grabbed Andrew’s hand and took it to his face, a risky move, but he knew that it would be fine since they touched each other’s faces several times already. He let Andrew trace his scars, slowly guiding him. Sometimes Neil’s eyes squinted, he couldn’t control it.

“Andrew, in all seriousness I will never hurt you, you know that.”

“Never or always do not exist.”

“Then for the time being”. Andrew half rolled his eyes.

Neil smiled and they both sat down. Something ached a little inside of him thinking about how Andrew, or at least a small part of him, still believed that Neil could be capable of hurting him somehow.

“I could make a cake for you.”

“You said you won’t hurt me.”

Neil was pretending to be offended. “You think I’ll poison you?”

“You will. You don’t know how to cook. Now, let’s go to sleep”.

They didn’t go to sleep, they talked for an hour or so and Andrew asked him about his pain. Neil was really reluctant to admit that a part of him was still bleeding and still very scared. Since that night, he had never been able to light a cigarette by himself, usually Andrew did that for him, and sometimes during the night he could hear his own screams piercing the dark. Andrew on the other hand opened up a little, recalling some of the foster siblings he met in his early childhood, carefully leaving out the most painful pieces of memories. Only then they fell asleep.

The following couple of days were scanned by group practices, notes, lazy evenings and night drills. But Neil was feeling restless, he was not used to this calmness and he needed something. So he tried cooking.

The suite’s kitchen was rarely used, mostly the microwave and toaster, but Neil had never even tried to operate the burner stove. He was not really sure he could manage a whole meal. so he had stopped by a market to buy some pasta, sauce and paper plates after practice. Something very easy that he could not mess up. Andrew was busy with Kevin, so he was alone. During the ride back to the dorm, he asked Dan to tell all the Foxes that dinner was on him, so they would join him later there. Dan was surely surprised by that, but she also seemed maybe moved by the idea, she bumped Neil shoulder with her fist with a loving swing.
But Neil had to actually cook, he was so fixated on succeeding that he actually looked for a recipe on the library computer, printed it and folded. It was not a very hard one, he just had to boil water, put the pasta in and then add the sauce. One hour later it was a red tomato splattered mess.

Someone opened the door and it was Andrew, with Kevin, both silently staring at Neil’s stained clothes. It was not only that, there was uncooked pasta on the carpet and on the cooking table, some burned pasta on the burning stove and a pot of hot water with over diluted sauce in it. Or at least the part that was not smashed on Neil’s face and jeans. And maybe hair too.
Kevin was muttering unintelligible and probably nasty words, but Neil was more drawn to Andrew’s fathomless stare: there almost was a smiling flicker in his eyes, something sparkly that Neil could not figure it out totally, yet. But his mouth was still a straight line, until he talked.

“I see the problem, I told you not to, but I spoke in english and apparently you only understand dumbass.”

“I cooked.”

“No Neil, you didn’t.” Kevin added, “I am not cleaning it.” and he went on retreat in his room.

“Do you wanna taste it?” Neil asked Andrew, not really convincing.

“Is this when you kill me then?” Andrew stepped closer and cleaned some sauce from Neil’s face with a finger, “It almost looks like blood, I don't like it. Go get cleaned.”

“It’s a mess here, the others are coming, I need to clean-”

“The others?”

Neil smiled and licked some sauce from the side of his mouth,”Yes, dinner with friends.”

“How exciting.” Andrew replied spiritlessly, “You look ridiculous.” he continued by pointing at Neil’s dirty face and hair.

“You look ridiculous." He replied, rolling his eyes, and got one step closer, with less than a hand space between them.

He felt Andrew’s heavy gaze all over his face, like a warm tingling.

“Your presence is excruciating” Andrew said, but he didn’t move or stopped looking at him. Neil noticed that flicker again in his eyes.

“Yeah yeah, excruciating.” And Neil leaned in, slowly, ready to stop at any point. But Andrew closed the gap and they kissed. Andrew’s lips were really soft, except for the small spot where he nipped his skin. Neil really liked kissing the other boy. Maybe his hobby could be kissing.

Andrew broke the kiss gently and curled his lips, “You taste like raw sauce.”
Neil giggled and lightly stroked Andrew’s hair, “I’m gonna clean up.”

“And I will use your ugly shirt to clean this up”.

Andrew actually sorted the mess out and Neil’s heart was tendered by that and not with Neil’s Palmetto shirt, surprisingly. In a matter of minutes the upperclassmen, together with Nicky, knocked and Neil let them in with his hair still wet from the quick shower, even if Andrew’s eyes almost pierced his back. The slightly burned smell was still there and the other foxes noticed it, but didn’t comment. Except for Allison’s “Should I order food?”

“Yeah. I guess cooking is not my thing.” Neil felt a little sad and disappointed about it, he really wanted to make a meal for his friends.

Matt wrapped an arm around his shoulder, “It’s okay, you tried, thumbs up for Neil!”.

They all ate burgers with sweet potatoes and chatted. Allison made fun of Neil again and Renee spent some time chatting with Andrew near the window. No clue what they were talking about, probably Jean and the Trojans. Neil felt a weird painful electric sting near his heart, but he pushed it down. He gave Jean, Kevin and himself years of life, something they never even took into account, especially him and Jean. Because of that train of thoughts, after everyone left, Neil felt restless again. There was no night practice since Kevin was busy with a phone call and Neil was, weirdly, not really in the mood. He continued to tap relentlessly with his fingers on his knees.

"You are acting like you have withdrawals" Andrew said, side-looking him “What do you need?”

Neil didn’t know, he was finally overwhelmed by everything maybe. But mostly he was lost. He knew he was supposed to die, he had firmly believed that he would’ve not lived past nineteen. Never much thought was given into his future and his days were crumbled up like paper cut outs, without a clear shape. Now he stayed and he would be Neil for his entire life, with no expiration date clinging on his head. All the burning ashes were traded for green trees he could now watch growing. Having everything, having ties and things was actually scary.

“Are you about to throw up?” Andrew sounded blank, but he was kneeling in front of Neil, almost holding his face in his hands.

“I just need a hobby. I need to do something, I have all this time and I don’t have a plan. I think I am scared, Andrew. I think I’m still scared of the face I wear, sometimes I’m scared of not knowing what’s inside me and that maybe also Neil is a lie, you know that sometimes I still lie about dumb things? I don’t actually like cafeteria pizza, but I said that I did.”

“I know.”

“How? Well, I’m also scared that I am too immature and uncertain and that will kill me at some point and I will be forgotten and-”

Andrew finally picked up Neil’s face in his hands and painted a kiss on his mouth. This time there was a holy ferocity in Andrew’s mouth, closer and closer almost drinking from his soul. Neil calmed down and breathed again.

“Was that to shut me up?” He asked, motioning a faint smile with his lips, still trembling.

“I will not forget about you, you are Neil Josten, you are a fox, you are mine.” He paused for a second with pearled eyes, almost shining in the dimmed lights of the room “And you scare me sometimes when you look at me like that, you know. I fear those eyes are the only thing that can make me tear up. They look like the ocean, you have ocean eyes.”

“Ocean eyes” Neil had to anchor his toes to the ground because he felt like the world was tilting again. It was never a straight line with him, always little earthquakes that rearranged the furniture of Neil’s brain.

“Andrew”

“Like the beads” he said, shaking the bracelets on his wrist. “These are like your eyes. I looked it up, it’s ocean blue. Ocean eyes.”

His face was still in Andrew’s hands and he felt his eyes burning a little. They breathe together and let out a grasp of air that didn’t know it was trapped between their lungs. Neil felt like he needed to map out all of Andrew in that exact moment, there was too much electricity around them and deep static noise in his ears.

“Yes or no Neil?”

“Yes.”

Andrew slowly palmed Neil’s chest under his shirt, taking it slowly off. He started to kiss every single mark on Neil’s body, giving each scar a care that could've healed any wound. He traced the blade lines with his mouth, softly pressing his lips over the burning marks. It was like seeing someone painting a starry ceiling, he was drawing stars around his scars. Neil didn’t know why, but he had to cover his mouth to hide a half sob. Andrew noticed it anyway and kissed him again on the lips, for only god knows how long. Neil took one second to note that he should ask Renee about the religion thing because he was almost positive that that’s what Andrew was to him. When he looked at Andrew, he saw a sunset, gleaming and twinkling with saturated colors dripping all over the room, that everyone tried to rip by the edges. Andrew punched but rarely dodged and now he was painted like the sum of the unshunned bricks everyone threw at him. But Neil was learning to see right through those walls more and more each day. He wanted to scream how beautiful he was but Andrew would probably shut him up. Not that he would complain, he liked to be shouted out by Andrew

“What do you need?” Andrew asked again “Whatever you want. I can burn a city for you, I’d burn down every single piece of cement if it will stop your leg from trembling”.

Neil breathed near Andrew’s ear, trying to regain a little bit of consciousness. He didn’t fail to notice the other’s reaction to the touch of his breath: goosebumps were slowly blooming on all his exposed arms’ skin. Neil leaned in a little more, using locks of blond hair as a grip, and whispered in Andrew’s ear “A hobby”.

“And you wonder why I hate you”.

The morning after, Neil woke up very early feeling definitely too hot and a sweaty veil was covering his face and bare chest. With his eyes still half closed, he found the reason why by carefully tapping around him: the whiff and half grunt led him to an equally half awake Andrew wrapped around his torso. They must’ve fallen asleep while talking the night before, or maybe while kissing, he was not sure. Neil was getting used to having Andrew near during the night, even if the bed was small and the temperature was getting hotter and hotter. Sharing breaths and spaces made them both feel safe, for one reason or another. When they didn’t share a bed, Andrew used to wait for everyone to fall asleep, except for Neil, and extend his arm to Neil’s direction, in order to let the tips of their fingers touch while falling asleep. The others were getting used to that dynamic too, while waiting for the new rooms’ arrangements.

They were still, not moving, just enjoying their closeness for some more minutes before the alarm went off and Neil prayed for the thing to explode, but it didn’t.

“Fuck this” Andrew rolled on the right side of the bed, relasing Neil from his embrace.

“I’m making coffee” Nail said to Andrew, but he was going to make coffee for everyone, as usual lately. He learned that he liked to make it every morning, he never had a habit like that, so it was nice. Not that was that hard, just water and some instant coffee powder, all heated in the microwave.

“Thank you” muttered Andrew with the voice still pasty.

“Wait, did you just say thank you? Fucking god, are you becoming soft? Is this small feral man changing you?” Nicky dramatically said, with fake surprise all across his face.

“Don’t make me hurt you. I don't like blood in my coffee.” Andrew said.

“You already used this one, Andrew”

“Should I count to three?”

Nicky chuckled unphased while going in the other room. Neil heard a bang and didn’t think much about it, probably Andrew waking up Kevin. Since Coach was having his one week vacation,he prohibited them from calling or texting, but they were doing it anyway and he was replying anyway. But that meant that the practice duties were in Dan’s hand, who more than willingly left the honor to organize the drills to Kevin. The only flaw of that arrangement was that Kevin was now more tired than usual, which led to a more sullen Kevin and also to more people wanting to hit him.

Half an hour later they were all at the court, Neil was chatting with Matt about some possible new recruit he read about and lunch plans.

“Does he stay out of your orbit sometimes?” Matt pointed at Andrew, silently stretching near Neil but ignoring the other fully.

“No, not really.”

An uncountable amount of practiced drills and Kevin’s mean remarks later they were all getting ready for the rest of the day.

“If he does not stop being so mean, I’ll scratch him one day” Allison said, particularly bothered by the vibe of the morning.

“He wants us to win.” Matt said, “Win this ass.” Allison slowly articulated while staring meanly in Kevin’s eyes, who grumbled something unheardable and then became red in the face. Matt elbowed Renee, whispering something, but before even questioning it, Neil’s thoughts were interrupted by a loud “Hobby hunting going fine?” from Dan. His endeavours were the main topic of the upperclassmen, something told him it was for a bet. “I’m not cut out for the hobby thing I think”.

No one noticed, but Neil did see Andrew eyes rapidly moving up to his own, just for a second, as soon as he spoke, lightening for a barely perceptible moment, before putting his hands in his pockets and boredly staring at the ceiling. Andrew was always very subtle,his reactions and emotions were shown just in glimpses that everyone seemed to ignore. Not Neil. He may be still learning to recognize one feeling from another, but he never failed to notice every little jolt or flickering of lashes. He usually didn’t say anything out loud, these were his precious moments and he didn’t want Andrew to start sinking into his fully emotionless shell again.

Aaron and Andrew had their weekly meet up with Bee at lunch time, so the rest of them hopped in Matt’s car and headed to the cafeteria first, and the dorm later. There were plans being spoken and ideas for the night out. Neil didn’t even realize it was already Friday. The biggest issue was about splitting or not in their usual two groups, as always the needle was moved by Andrew and it all hinged on how the session was going.

Some time later, Aaron joined them in the girl’s room by himself. Andrew's absence tensed Neil, he was lost for some seconds because that was not how he acted usually.

“Where is Andrew?” Neil asked.

“Not his babysitter” Aaron replied without even glancing in Neil’s direction, so he threw someone’s shoe at him.

“Fuck you Neil, he said he was busy, he’s coming later, jesus christ”.

Once again, there was almost no reaction from the others, this was routine. Except for Andrew missing. Neil did something he had almost never done, but for some reason his heart was clenching, he texted Andrew.

Hey

In less than a minute he replied.

Coming back in ten. Not leaving you.

Not leaving you. Neil relaxed, he was not even aware that he was scared of Andrew leaving, why would he leave? It didn’t make any sense at all to feel so anxious about it. But somehow Andrew knew, and reassured him. Neil was starting to think that maybe Andrew was the only one to fully know him, to see to the still standing walls and to just accept that, entirely.

Neil sat down, scratching his arm even if he was not supposed to, he knew that. But it was still painful sometimes, he was not sure if it was real or if that was a sort of ghost pain coming from the gone-side of his brain. Andrew would punch him for thinking that he had a gone-side. Renee noticed, without any fuss and without stopping her conversation, now about the best clubbing spot in the city, she gave Neil a box of cream, smiling. Neil nodded to thank her and smeared the cold lotion on his most scarred arm, messing up the armband he was wearing.

Ten minutes passed and Neil didn’t even realize he was staring at the door, waiting. In a matter of moments someone knocked, Dan opened and it was in fact Andrew, carrying a small red paper bag. For some reason everyone stopped talking.

“Oh my, oh my, please curb your enthusiasm for my presence” Andrew said without moving any part of his eyes.

They all started to chat again once Dan sat down. Everyone except Neil, who stood up and went close to Andrew, who was now leaning near the closed door.

“Where were you?”

“Why? Missed me? Can’t live without me?”

Neil rolled his eyes “You are insufferable, you know that?”

“People usually tell me that I’m the fucking sunshine” Andrew replied moving a finger around his face.

They stood there in silence, arms lightly brushing, looking at the others in the room still arguing and talking. Neil felt like he was the audience to a play. Then Andrew showed the red bag in Neil’s hands “For you”.

Neil was confused and surprised. “What is this?”

“Open it.”

Neil was excited, his heart beating. Something from Andrew again, this was sweet. Andrew had no idea how sweet he was. Neil didn’t even care about the content of the paper box, he was more than content even just with having the red bag. He put out the package and studied it carefully.

“Do you want to fuckin open it?” Andrew said and Neil lifted a brow.

“Open it, Neil.” Neil opened the box.

The world stopped. A camera? The box had a red camera and a roll inside. “Andrew. A camera?”

“I thought you could take pictures. So that you can be sure not to be forgotten, and you too will not forget, you can save memories. Now you have a hobby.”

“Andrew” Neil’s body was hit with electricity, it was almost like being under sunrays for the first time. He felt bright, he felt seen and maybe loved? Andrew got him a camera. He didn’t even have to ask for it, he hadn’t even thought about this, but Andrew knew what was the right thing. He, once again, saw him more clearly than he could’ve done by himself.

“Andrew.” The name repeated like an oath.

Neil’s brain was filled with buzzing sounds and without even noticing he touched Andrew cheek, and kissed it lightly. Andrew looked at him for a split second, waiting for Andrew’s nod, and then he kissed him. He really swooped him in and kissed him deeply, mouth opened, while holding Neil’s face in one hand. Neil was not feeling his legs, or his arms, or his head. He only felt the heat and the almost heartwrenching amount of whatever they had going on building up in his chest. Neil felt like he could cry from happiness for the first time in his life. Andrew just opened a jar full of lighting and they were all hitting Neil’s skin, electrifying all the spots stroked by Andrew’s presence, body and lips. He got him a camera. Neil could now leave a mark, a sign of his presence into this world. He could capture Andrew morning’s messy hair and carry the picture with him forever, he could catch the smiles of his friends and he could let the future Foxes know about Neil Josten’s existence. He was there. He could be a tangible memory. All thanks to Andrew.

Neil broke the kiss and caressed Andrew’s cheek again whispering a thank you. They didn’t even care they were in the same room with all their teammates, it was not about them. But Neil noticed the weird silence that was filling the space.

“Jesus fucking christ I need to bleach my eyes” Aaron. Some chattering of voices covering one another started to build up into the room, but Neil didn’t care. He grabbed Andrew’s hand without saying a single word, their eyes met and waited for Andrew to be fine with that, in less than a second he squeezed Neil’s fingers approvingly. Neil swung him outside the room without stopping smiling at him, going straight to the roof.

He got him a camera. Maybe this love thing was not bad, maybe he could be in love. But he still liked the word Andrew better than love.

From that moment, Neil carried the camera with him almost everyday and everywhere, filling roll after roll, collecting receipts of a life he didn’t think he could have. What once was a drag path of someone’s ghost became the memory trail of Neil Josten, a guy with a photography hobby.