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“We need to talk about something.”
It’s the first thing Kunishige hears when they arrive home. It’s past midnight, an empty sake bottle resting on the kitchen table, and Chihiro sleeping peacefully in Shiba’s arms, who gently passes him on to his father. An effortless grunt makes an echo through Chihiro’s chest, although he seems unbothered by the movements around him. Then, Shiba hangs his coat, breaking the serious pose with a smirk that eases the furrowed brows in Kunishige’s forehead, where Shiba places a kiss.
“Fought again with the Yakuza?”
Kunishige leads the way up to the bedrooms, two considerably big spaces at the back of the house, divided by a flattened piece of soundproofing pine wood that he himself cut and brushed so Chihiro could have his own bedroom. Kunishige’s bare feet, firm and steady, make Shiba wonder how it is that this man is never cold. What kind of monster is he sleeping with? He’s always hot, even on December nights, although that means Shiba gets an extra warm body pillow for the season.
Kunishige places Chihiro on his bed and turns to him.
“Don’t give me that look. I didn’t fight anyone tonight… Promise!” Shiba murmurs heatedly and apologetically, considering they can’t make any noise because of the kid. Kunishige elbows him affectionately, and they soon leave the little one’s room to enter theirs.
They’re already under the blankets when Kunishige asks again. The lights are dim, as a result of the natural moonlight coming from one of the upper windows Kunishige placed so he –they— can always hear if anything gets closer to the barrier. Shiba whines a little; he kinda forgot what he wanted to say, and actually, he’s already pretty much comfortable legs and arms laced around his personal body pillow.
But Kunishige is not gonna make it easy for him.
“Mmm,” he purrs.
Shiba sighs and opens an eye, glaring towards Kunishige, who isn’t sleepy at all.
“Ok, listen,” he raises on his elbow. “Something important happened today.”
It’s the first night of the year —and for two consecutive years—, Shiba has taken Chihiro to the Temple for the joyasai to show him some world outside the small one he knows in the mountains. Chihiro, at age five, already understands what New Eve means, but he craves an explanation as to why his father can’t come with Mr. Shiba and him to town. Excuses about work don’t really do their job, but Chihiro has learned to watch and keep silent, a trait of his personality that reminds them of his mother.
Tonight, Shiba and Chihiro have been at the Atago Shrine, where a New Year's Eve festival was held in gratitude for their past year's safety, so they’d pray they can count on the gods' mercy for the new year. Clearly, Shiba’s not the type of guy who believes; faith is ironically hazy for him to rely on that. But, still, he hopes. He hopes something bigger than them exists out there, so that could bring peace to his new home, to his new family. Something that could ease the guilt and nightmares Kunishige sweats over every night. Something that protects Chihiro from the future ahead of him.
Something something whilst Kunishige caresses his cheek and asks him about what happened with deep, seductive voice.
It was the first time, Shiba recalls, that Chihiro had shown genuine interest in playing with someone else. “There was this little guy,” Shiba explains. “I guess just another Sazanami, not that we love to see it, but… He kept on whining when they had to leave for the night. He and Chihiro were running around and high-fiving and, you know what, I swear I saw Chihiro smile, like, a real smile. How do you explain that?”
Bathed in half shadows, Kunishige shows disbelief with a dumb smile. The kind of smile Shiba would only attest to if someone claims that weapons are the seventh wonder of the world. He was expecting Kunishige not to believe in him, and unfortunately, he doesn’t have anything to prove his words. Chihiro is not a fan of photos unless he doesn’t notice. And Shiba chose not to because he was really busy keeping an eye on one of the little Sazanami brothers. A brat who threatened to jump from the limo if his younger brother wouldn’t leave Chihiro. But Kunishige doesn’t need to know that. The side eye Shiba gave him seemed enough to put him right in place. The queue lasted for almost twenty minutes before they entered the temple, so the kids could hang out a little in the meantime.
“So…” Kunishige squints at him playfully. “You’re proud about Chihiro socializing with a Sazanami, or there is more…”
Shiba sold himself a second later, when his teeth bit his lower lip and he couldn’t even hold back a smirk. It ain’t easy in front of Kunishige, by the way. If they know each other to this extent is thanks to a number of reasons. Reading each other’s intentions is a double-edged sword.
Dang, Shiba needs a cigarette.
Kunishige snorts, getting close to him.
“Ho! I knew it!”
Between playful gazes, Kunishige starts peppering kisses around Shiba’s face. He doesn’t give Shiba time to think about an answer, though he demands it with each peck of his lips. Soon, they are two bodies tangled between warm blankets, essentially, the warmth coming out from Kunishige’s big arms, who holds Shiba like he was out from home for an entire year.
“I may be worried about him,” Shiba exhales into Kunishige’s neck. “He’ll be six, and he deserves much more...”
His words grant him the result he was expecting. Kunishige freezes on site, slowly placing some space between them. It might not be the time to have this conversation, but the scarce light adds dignified charm to their faces.
“I know you think it’s not safe out there,” Shiba insists, “but we can make it work somehow. He needs to live. You fought so hard to get this world at peace and—”
“This world is not at peace. You, of all people, should know that.”
“You can’t have him here until he’s eighteen or something…”
Silence.
“Would that make me a monster?”
It’s the terror in his voice that makes Shiba think this has been one of his worst ideas (worse than the time with the cat trapped in his car ten years ago). This time, it’s Shiba who holds Kunishige and makes him lie by his side upon the pillows.
“Don’t ever say that again.”
Nocturnal animals howl into the night as they fall silent with no more words added to their exchange. Shiba prefers it this way. They can talk for hours if something serious is on the table, but it’s in vain that they try to come to terms about anything at this hour. Eventually, they’ll have to talk about it since Chihiro is already at the proper age for school, but Shiba is worried about the terrors, so he tries his best to hold his sleep a little longer. Just in case…
On nights like these, he would only hold him until Kunishige’s breathing gets even, until the beads of sweat dry. Until his hands, big, warm, and calloused hands, hold Shiba’s so tight it hurts and reminds him that they’re together despite everything. Despite the pain, despite the war. And no matter what. Later, Kunishige will wake and realize he’s not alone and the night is just a part of their days. And Shiba will kiss his forehead and face and chest and repeat slow and steadily: they were just nightmares, we’re here.
And they will be.
Kunishige’s already awake when Shiba follows his voice to the living room.
Between words of affection, he picks Chihiro from the tatami and holds him up in the air, the light from the rising dawn outlining their figures. They look majestic before Shiba’s eyes. They look like the only answer Shiba’s ever wanted to know in life. He feels overwhelmed, so he nods a smile and puts the kettle on.
“Wish you grow up to be different than us, son.”
Shiba observes from afar, unable to interrupt their moment, Kunishige’s confession. His desire burns so bright that his eyes sparkle the same way the charcoal lits when he works with it.
He adds:
“Please, walk another pathway.”
Shiba deviates his gaze, pouring some hot water to make coffee, feeling the absurd sensation that this won’t be the last time he hears something like this from Kunishige. Chihiro hugs his dad, relaxing his eyes as he watches Shiba take out the milk from the fridge. He may be hungry, but even in that state, the kid controls his expressions so well that it makes Shiba shudder. How much from his mom and how much of Kunishige is in there? They’ll only know when Chihiro grows up. When he demand the answers they can’t tell him now, since he’s too young to understand. And he really doesn’t need them if he always stays at home.
Chihiro extends his little hand towards Shiba. He cannot escape from his cuteness and comes up to him, letting Chihiro tangle his little fingers between strands of blond hair. Kunishige notices it. His hand circles Shiba’s waist and takes him in, hugging them both under the sunlight.
It's the first day of the year, so Shiba can only wish for one thing: may there be many, many more days.
(They'll think about the decisions to be made, later.)