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The post game gathering at a bar in Boston had been fun so far, and Rose was glad to be shooting in Boston during the season so she could hang out with Shane and Ilya when they were in town for a game. They had won tonight, and the atmosphere in the bar was full of exuberance. The only people she knew here were Shane and Ilya, but she hoped their schedules would align often enough for her to meet more of their friends. Rose had revived her winter habits and wardrobe to survive the Boston cold, but it was certainly worth it for nights like this. The movie was shaping up to be more than decent as well, a change from the blockbusters she had been doing recently.
Rose got up from the table she was sitting at with Shane and Ilya, murmuring something about getting a drink from the bar. Sometimes she needed a small break from her two very in love and in a happy relationship friends. She wasn’t lonely, exactly, but third wheeling, especially third wheeling those too, made her feel more alone than normal.
She was just too busy for relationships. That’s what she told herself, anyways. And yes, she had been saying this since high school when she had to choose between dating regularly and booking her first indie film (the decision had been hilariously easy), but it still applied. Even though she was now successful enough to scrape some time away for a private life, she kept busy with a regular fitness regimen, going out with friends, and exploring the city. She was even thinking about taking some part time college classes in her downtime for fun, maybe eventually working toward a degree. In any case, a relationship wouldn’t work any better for her now than it had before. All her past attempts had ended because her boyfriends ended up gay or she ended up busy. The only recent attempt, Shane, a couple years ago, had ended the same. It had been for the best and she was so grateful for their friendship, but she hadn’t been on more than one date with anyone since.
Rose ordered her usual drink, taking in the patrons around her as she waited.
A familiar looking girl with big eyes and curly hair stood next to her at the end of the bar. Rose was trying to place her when the girl introduced herself.
“Rose Landry,” the girl said, rolling the R’s in a delightful way that Rose was beginning to associate with Ilya Rosanov. “I am Svetlana.”
Ah, Ilya’s best friend. Rose had heard a bit about her over the years, but they had never managed to meet. Rose extended her hand, since Svetlana had neglected to do so.
“It’s good to meet you,” Rose said genuinely. “Crazy we haven’t run into each other before, what with them-” she waved her hand in the direction of Shane and Ilya.
“Being so in love?” Svetlana finished for her.
“Yes, yeah.” Rose felt a little lost for words. This girl just seemed so cool. And even though they had just met, she had a magnetic sort of energy that made Rose want to keep talking to her and never stop.
“Well, I know more about you than you do of me, I’m sure,” Svetlana said, walking her fingers along the bar. Her nails were long and painted a shimmering black, with little gems like stars glittering on top. Rose didn’t generally notice things like that, but everything about Svetlana seemed captivating.
“Oh?” Rose got out once she realized Svetlana was waiting for a reply.
Svetlana just grinned. “Yes, because you are famous! And I am not at all.”
Her smile was really pretty. Everything about her was pretty. “Other than your dad, right?”
Svetlana looked delighted. “Yes, he was a famous hockey player in Russia—how did you know?
“Shane mentioned one time.”
“Ah yes, your “close personal friend, Shane Hollander,” Svetlana said mockingly.
“As if you have room to stand on, Mrs. “My close personal friend is Ilya Rosanov,” Rose shot back.
“It’s sometimes weird that our friends are famous hockey players, right? Like millions of people know who they are. Or maybe it’s not so weird for you, since millions of people know who you are, too.” Svetlana leaned against the wall, focusing her attention on Rose. It made Rose feel… she wasn’t sure. She resisted the urge to shiver and leaned against the bar, mirroring Svetlana.
“Yes, it’s more normal to me because I’m a celebrity as well.” Rose shrugged. “I still feel kind of average though, like there’s nothing special about me that makes me a celebrity. I just happened to book the right job, that led to another job that blew up, and I’ve kept at it.”
Svetlana shook her head. “No, you are far from average, Rose Landry. Even without all the movies-“ she gestured in the air “- you have a presence, I think. It makes you seem famous.”
“I am famous,” Rose joked. She felt like she was heating up under the praise from this girl. She took a sip of her drink that was being neglected at the bar.
“Yes, yes,” Svetlana acknowledged, “But I bet it has always been this way, even in school.”
Rose looked out, trying to remember. She had a friend group in high school, but wasn’t popular by any means. She wasn’t in touch with any of them now. “I don’t know, I’m not sure that’s something I would be able to notice about myself. More of an outside observation, maybe.”
Svetlana nodded, seeming to understand.
“Besides, I was always really busy in high school. Cross-country, and then theatre, and trying to get acting jobs,” Rose recounted.
“Yes, this makes sense for you,” Svetlana confirmed, flagging down the bartender.
Rose laughed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Svetlana ordered her drink, then looked Rose up and down, gesturing to all of her. “Just that you have that look—as if you keep a very busy schedule at all times.”
Rose couldn’t tell if she was supposed to be offended. “Hard not to be, being a successful actor and all.” She wasn’t sure if she succeeded in not sounding defensive.
Svetlana smiled, so she must have pulled it off. “This is not a bad thing! I am very busy as well,” she reassured.
“Yes, you work with the Raiders? Shane said something about that.”
Svetlana nodded and was about to reply when one of the many partygoers that Rose didn’t know touched her on the shoulder, pulling her into conversation.
Rose sipped more of her drink, trying to be respectful and not eavesdrop. They were speaking in Russian, which made that very easy.
Rose scanned the crowded bar, taking in the people dancing and chatting. Shane and Ilya were still posted at their table across the room, her purse dangling from her abandoned seat. She had been up here at the bar much longer than she had planned. This girl, Svetlana, was simply very cool and fun to talk to. She seemed completely unfazed with her fame. Rose didn’t know if that was because she was friends with famous people like Ilya and thus desensitized, or simply wasn’t intimidated by famous people or people in general. Either way, Rose was grateful. This night was turning out to be even better than she had expected.
Svetlana turned back to Rose, her conversation over.
“Sorry about that,” she apologized.
Rose waved her off. “You don’t have much of an accent in English” she remarked, bringing the conversation back to Svetlana. “Not like Ilya.”
Svetlana laughed. “Yes, I have always been better than him at languages.”
“And other things too, I bet,” Rose said before she could stop herself. Fuck, was she flirting with this girl? Ilya Romanov’s best friend, who was also, like, a girl?
Svetlana gave her time to recover, turning to grab another drink. “Yes, most definitely. I came to America sooner than Ilya, that’s also why.”
“Oh, in high school?” Rose was surprised.
Svetlana nodded. She began telling Rose the story of her moving to Boston, and Rose listened raptly, trying not to be distracted by the glitter on her eyelids and the hypnotizing way Svetlana looked at her. She was just a beautiful girl, right?
~
Svetlana had been thinking about Rose after that meeting in the bar. They had been texting sometimes, sending photos back and forth and complaining about coworkers, but more than that, Svetlana had been thinking about her. Which she didn’t do. Ever.
The concerning thing was that these thoughts were verging on affection territory, not just attraction. Svetlana saw a blue smurf at the post office register and remembered when Rose had been painted entirely blue for a movie. She heard a song from a Broadway show crackle through the speakers at the supermarket and remembered Rose’s theatre history. She wondered what the details were in getting into acting, if Rose had friends, if she was dating anyone, if she was just as single as Svetlana was.
Thoughts that wobbled the border of wanting to be friends with Rose, or wanting something more. Svetlana didn’t do scary things, and the something more scared her.
She just didn’t meet people she would date. Hook up with, sure, but she had never had the desire for more than that, and she was worried she never would.
I have a successful career, good friends, good health, she reminded herself like a mantra. And it was true. She liked her life in Boston. She liked going out to clubs with friends, getting drunk and hooking up, trying different restaurants with strange cuisine. It was all wonderful. Just, sometimes Svetlana wondered if it would be a little more fun to have someone to do all these things with.
Talking to Rose had felt like doing things with someone. And even though they had only had one conversation and a handful of texts, she found herself looking forward to their scheduled lunch that weekend. Svetlana was taking Rose to one of her favorite Russian restaurants, and then maybe they could wander around after, go to a museum…
Svetlana stopped in her tracks. She wasn’t trying to date this girl. She didn’t do dates. She just had empty space in her weekend and wanted to spend it with the funny, interesting, drop dead gorgeous Rose Landry. There was nothing wrong with that.
Instead of having a calm evening of mixing a cocktail and finishing the puzzle spread over her coffee table like she had planned, her swirling thoughts about Rose Landry followed her through the night. Was Rose at a restaurant right now? A club? Was she making friends in the city? Did she want to be friends with Svetlana?
This out of the ordinary fixation frustrated her for days, and she still had no clear answers by the night before her plans with Rose.
Svetlana fell into a fitful sleep far later than she would have liked. She woke up only a few hours later, her anxiety rushing back to her as she got out of bed and drank a glass of water. Her apartment felt empty and cold in the early morning hours. It compounded the thoughts in her head, and she grabbed her phone to make a call, staring out of the massive wall of a window while it rung.
“Is this normal?” Svetlana hissed in Russian without preamble.
“No, it is very strange, why are you calling so early?” Ilya grumbled back. She thought hockey players were supposed to be early risers, but then again Ilya never went to bed before midnight, so.
Svetlana paced, resisting the urge to tug on her curls. She confronted her feelings directly, letting it spill out. “Having a… crush. I feel like I am being hunted, like there are bees everywhere buzzing, all the time I am just thinking about—“ She cut herself off. “There is so much anxiety,” she finished.
“Aww, Sveta has a crush,” Ilya singsonged, still sounding half asleep.
“No, maybe yes, it is terrible!” She gave in and wrapped a curl around her finger, tugging until she felt more grounded.
“It is scary, yes,” Ilya confirmed, more serious now that she was revealing how freaked out she really was.
“I just wasn’t expecting…” Svetlana trailed off. This whole thing had left her blindsided. This whole girl.
Ilya shuffled around on the other side of the phone, and she imagined him getting up and out of bed.
“It is exciting to though, no?” He asked.
Svetlana paused in her steps, still feeling fidgety. She considered for a moment.
“Yes, I suppose,” she replied cautiously. “I have never felt like this with another person, wanting to see them and talk to them, thinking about them when they are not around. Excited when I see them, yes, but also so nervous!”
Ilya chuckled.
“I don’t do nervous, I am not a nervous person!”
“No you are not,” he agreed. “That is what having a crush will do, make everything with this person seem like the most important thing in the world.”
Svetlana looked out at the city through the large window. The sun was hinting at its arrival, the gray sky near the horizon brightening.
“It is terrible,” she said.
Ilya hummed in agreement. “It can be, yes. It can become better once you know this person more, feel more comfortable with them and how they think of you.”
Svetlana turned away from the window, running a hand over her face as she considered her next steps. “It better,” she replied darkly. “I can’t believe people like this as much as they say they do.”
“Having a crush?”
“Yes!” Svetlana turned on her coffee maker. Might as well start her day since there was no going back to bed. “Girls, and maybe guys too, they are always giggling about crushes, talking about crushes, obsessing about crushes. You know this! They are always dating, or talking about dating, or complaining about dating, like it is the most fun and exciting thing.”
“Fun, maybe not always,” Ilya remarked. “Exciting, yes.”
“I miss when I just had sex with people and there was nothing more to it,” Svetlana bemoaned.
Ilya laughed. “That was just last week, no? What, you are a changed woman?”
“Shut up,” she spit back. She sat on her kitchen table, then gave in all the way and laid down across it. “I think maybe so,” fear creeping into her voice. “I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Sveta, it is early and you are panicking. It will be better when the sun comes up, yes?” Ilya said reasonably. Since when had Ilya Rosanov been the person she called for reasonable advice? He wasn’t even doing terribly, Svetlana did feel somewhat comforted.
“But what am I supposed to do?” she said again, trying to not revive her panic. She stared up at the ceiling and her lovely light cover she had put over the hideous light that was there while she waited for his reply.
“You will eat your breakfast and go to work like normal, yes?”
“No, asshole, about this stupid crush!” She couldn’t believe he was joking about this. Well, yes she could, but it really wasn’t helpful.
“Ahh, yes,” Ilya sounded thoughtful. Svetlana wanted to reach through the phone and swat him. “It will be ok. You can ignore it and it will maybe go away, or you can keep doing the same as you are with them, probably get closer and become friends. Or you could always, I don’t know, ask them out?”
“No I could not do that!” Svetlana got up off the table to tend to her coffee. “I am freaking out this much now, that would make it even worse!”
“Or better,” Ilya mused. “Putting everything in the open, you know.”
Svetlana shuddered.
“Would it really go away? If I ignored it?” It seemed impossible that this rioting in her chest would simply dissipate if she stopped thinking about it.
“Hmm, yes I think so,” Ilya replied, although he didn’t sound totally sure. “That is not what I did, so I cannot say for positive.”
“Yes, you just kept on, and what did you say would happen? Became friends?”
“Well, yes in a way,” he said defensively. “But I do not think you want to be in the situation I was in.”
They were both silent, remembering that time.
“No, I do not,” Svetlana broke the silence. “I’m not sure that I can just not think about it, though. I mean, not think about-“ Svetlana cut herself off again before finishing. “Her.”
Ilya knew she was attracted to girls, this should be no new information. He stayed silent, and Svetlana continued. “I don’t want to stop hanging out with her just because I have developed feelings.”
“And you do not have to,” Ilya confirmed. “Just know that it may get more complicated. If you become friends, and you are feeling this way about her…”
Svetlana groaned. “But I should feel better? You said it would be less scary.” She clung to that idea, more than ready for this anxious thrumming to go away.
“I think, yes, when you are with her you will feel less scared,” he said carefully. “Maybe you will continue to overthink when you are not with her, maybe it will be worse at some times and better at others.”
Svetlana wedged her phone to her ear as she got out a mug and poured her coffee. “Is that how it was with you?”
He did not have to reply for them to both know that it was.
Svetlana ended the call soon after, thanking him for picking up and wondering at the stability of her long time friend. She looked out the window at the sunrise as she sipped her coffee, contemplating relationships and crushes and feelings and girls. She would continue as she was, she had decided with this phone call. The thought of never seeing Rose again was too sad, and after all, it couldn’t really get much worse, could it?
~
Rose had a good time hanging out with Svetlana in Boston. Maybe too good a time. It wasn’t just the amazing Russian food or the enlightening artwork at the museum they had gone to after, it was the passionate way Svetlana talked about her hockey job, gesturing with her hands and occasionally intermingling Russian words. It was the lipgloss she reapplied at least six times during the afternoon, and her concentrated way of listening to Rose like she was the only thing worth listening to, and her intriguing questions that were thought provoking and interesting. It was that a single afternoon with Svetlana had been more fun than maybe any date she’d ever been on. It was that one afternoon with this girl was making Rose seriously reconsider her convictions that she was straight. Did straight girls feel like this when they got lunch and went to museums with their friends?
Rose had the terrifying notion that the answer was no. After all, she hung out with friends in L.A. all the time and had never felt this way about them. She hadn’t even felt like this on her dates with men, and she’d been on some pretty decent dates. Something had to be different about Svetlana, she just couldn’t tell what. Whatever it was, it was throwing her world into chaos.
Rose tended to shop when she was stressed. She also shopped when she wasn’t stressed though! So buying 3 new dresses, an antique lamp, and a salt shaker set at the antique store today wasn’t necessarily a warning call. The fact that she had had similar days consistently for the past week maybe was. The salt shakers had reminded her of Shane and Ilya, though—she had to get them! Shane would be playing a Boston game next week and she could give it to him when they went out for lunch. Maybe Rose could talk to him about this crisis, too. Avoiding it didn’t seem to be helping. If this ended up being dire enough, she could always reconnect with some lesbian friends from theatre school. Rose could figure this out! That’s what she tried to convince herself, anyways.
~
“You’ve always been gay, right?”
“Um, yes?” Shane looked perplexed.
Rose hid her face in her hands. “Sorry! That came out wrong.” She sat up, trying again. “I mean, you’ve always liked guys, and only guys.”
Shane nodded, still looking confused.
“That was rhetorical, I guess, I mean I knew that. Um.” Rose tried to regroup. She had thought about this conversation, she had, but sitting here actually having it was much different. This was so much worse than when she had to break up with Shane and confront him about his sexuality. Why was she having this crisis now?
“What I’m trying to say is, how did you know that you were gay?”
“Because I was never attracted to women?” Shane answered, the obviously excluded from his response.
God, he was not the best person to have this conversation with. Or maybe she was just asking the wrong questions. That was probably it.
“Right, of course, but like how did you know that you were attracted to men?” Rose tried.
Shane sat back, thinking. “I realized I looked at them a lot, I thought they were hot, I wanted to have sex with them,” he listed.
This all made sense. It was what Rose had been expecting. It was not helpful to her in the slightest.
“But you don’t think women are hot?” She queried.
Shane continued to humor her. “No? I mean yes, like there are women who are objectively beautiful, but I don’t want to sleep with them.”
Again, this answer made total sense.
“But how do you know that you don’t want to sleep with them?” Rose pressed.
Shane leaned forward. “I just don’t want to?”
He scanned her face. “Rose, what’s this about? I am really truly gay.”
Rose waved this away. “Yes, I know, obviously.”
“Then why are you asking?”
That was the question, wasn’t it.
“I think maybe…” Rose trailed off. She felt oddly like crying, in a strange role reversal of that difficult conversation with Shane.
Her voice sounded small, even to her. “I think maybe, being attracted to men isn’t what I thought it was.”
Shane sat up. “What do you mean?”
Rose twisted her hands in her lap. She wasn’t sure if there was a way to put it all into words. “Like, sure, men can be pretty or whatever, but women are to.”
“Yeah,” Shane said carefully.
“And I’ve always thought women are more conventionally attractive than men, because they are, and that’s just an objective thing.” Now Rose felt like she was rambling, getting off topic.
Shane studied her. “Okay,” was all he said.
“But here’s the thing,” Rose took a breath and went for it. “I don’t know if I’ve been attracted to guys because I’m actually, like, attracted to them, or if I just want to date them because that’s what you’re supposed to do, and they want to date me and I like that, and I like feeling like I have some sort of… power, or control maybe?”
Rose looked up from her plate. “I don’t know if any of that makes sense.”
Shane looked thoughtful. “No, go on. Can you elaborate? I’m trying to understand something.”
That something was probably her, which made Rose feel nervous all over again, but she kept going, spilling all the thoughts she had been agonizing over for the past week.
“I’ve been realizing, maybe all the times I’ve been on dates with guys, and even had sex with them, maybe it wasn’t about attraction. Like, it was about the way being with them made me feel, and not the way they made me feel. Even with you, I mean, yes I loved talking to you and that part of going on dates was really fun, but maybe what I thought was attraction was actually just liking the idea of us together. Does that make any kind of sense?” Rose looked at Shane imploringly, trying to gauge his reaction.
“Okay, so when we would have sex…” Shane trailed off. “Not that we really did, but.”
“It’s not that I didn’t want to, or anything,” Rose hurried to explain. “It’s just that I think I wanted to not because of attraction, but because the idea of having sex with a cute guy was appealing. And I don’t even know if that idea being appealing is genuine or just, like, socialized from watching movies and talking about boys with friends.”
Shane still looked confused. “So you think you don’t experience attraction?”
Rose’s mind flicked to manicured nails and curly hair, and those dark brown eyes. “Um, I’m trying to figure it out.” She moved the silverware around on the table to have something to do. She wasn’t sure if she could tell him the complete truth. “I think maybe I don’t experience genuine attraction with guys.”
Shane nodded as if he could work with this answer. “Okay, yeah sure.”
“Like, Shane, what do you mean when you say you’re attracted to someone? What does that feel like?” Rose asked.
Shane’s brow scrunched as he thought about the question. He definitely may not have been the person to ask about this.
“It’s like a warmth kind of?” He tried to explain. “Like tingly, sometimes, in my gut. With sexual attraction, you know, I get…” he didn’t finish the sentence, and Rose waved it away. “With romantic attraction, there’s still that warmth. When he’ll do something, or say something, and I’m just so sure that I love him—but not in the way I love my friends or my family. Like I want us to be partners, going through life together. I didn’t start feeling that romantic attraction right away though, with Ilya. It came later.”
“That’s so sweet,” Rose said, and meant it. Hearing Shane talk about Ilya always revealed his love for him. His answer about attraction was still cryptic, but it solidified that she hadn’t been feeling that about the people she’d dated in the past. Did she feel that with Svetlana? Was the shuddery feeling with Svetlana’s looked at her what attraction was supposed to feel like? Rose could picture trying more restaurants with her, chatting about life and art and the latest gossip in the celebrity and hockey world. She could picture ranting to Svetlana after a hard day on set, and comforting Svetlana after a tough day at work. She could even picture living with her. Not in the way she had lived with boyfriends in the past, playing house the way she was expected to, but creating a space with Svetlana that felt like them. Hosting dinner parties and celebrating birthdays and maybe getting a cat or something.
Rose was jolted back to reality as she realized Shane was just staring at her. Fuck, I’ve only known this girl for 3 weeks, she thought. And yet it felt like something totally different.
~
Rose couldn’t believe that she was here, in Svetlana’s bed, the morning after a moonlit date and sex better than anything she had experienced before. She couldn’t believe the sensible, reasonable plan of asking Svetlana to dinner, confessing her sexuality crisis, and admitting her very lesbian feelings for Svetlana had actually worked. She couldn’t believe how different it was, how right it felt, to be lying next to Svetlana, admiring her dark lashes and occasional freckles and the way her hair spread over the pillow.
“Do you have any nicknames?” Rose whispered, not wanting to break the moment.
Svetlana trailed one finger down Rose’s blond hair, twirling it around on the pillow.
“Da, yes, it’s a big part of Russia.”
“What’s yours?” Rose asked.
“I have several,” Svetlana replied, moving her finger to Rose’s eyebrows. “Ilya and some of my other friends call me Sveta.”
“Sveta,” Rose tried it out. “That’s cute.”
Svetlana smiled, running her fingers down the sides of Rose’s face. “Yes, it’s cute when you say it.”
Rose couldn’t help the smile that came in return.
“What about you?” Svetlana asked, stilling her hands.
Rose shook her head as much as she could while laying down. “No, I never have. Rose isn’t very conducive to nicknames, I guess.”
“That is so sad!” Svetlana looked genuinely troubled, her lips pouting. “We must fix this, Rose.”
“Alright, and how do you suppose we should do that,” Rose teased.
Svetlana, however, seemed to be taking this seriously. “I will try some things out, okay Lapochka?”
“What does that mean?” Rose asked, touched by Svetlana’s earnestness.
“Sweetie,” Svetlana grinned. “Work’s well for you, because you are so sweet.”
Rose buried her face in Svetlana’s shoulder to hide her grin. “How do you say ‘sap’ in Russian?”
Svetlana just chuckled and kissed her hair.
Rose wasn’t sure if she had ever been so happy.