Chapter Text
Jaypaw once again entered my dream. I was glad to see him, even if I knew my waking self would not fully understand the context of what was going on. There are just certain advantages an adult mind has over a fresh apprentice, like that I know I've got the makings of a crush on Jaypaw. Is it weird to know this in my more developed mind? Yes. Do I really care? Not really. Little me has their own life to experience even if it all comes back to me. I really do value Jaypaw. Without him, I imagine little me would have turned out a lot more meek due to a lack of cats who can empathize with her. He draws a more feisty part of myself out, showing that there is nothing wrong with demanding recognition and condemning pity.
Jaypaw approached me warily, but I let him set the pace. It was him who'd have to decide how much he'd trust me. I was just amusing myself by staring at the river, watching him off its reflection. Jay paw finally got close enough and worked up the nerve to speak.
"You are Mapleshade, right? And you did get sent to the Dark Forest, so how did you come back?" He asked, getting straight to the heart of the issue.
I sighed. "I can tell you how I'm here, but the real question is if you're willing to trust my word. I do have a fair bit of infamy to my name for good reason, and part of my legend was lying to my clan about the origin of my kits. Would you even believe me, knowing full well that I could be lying?" I queried back.
Jaypaw flinched. Clearly the same problem was going through his head. While he'd told his siblings that he could sense my emotions and sense if I lie, it wasn't necessarily true. My complicated and fragmented nature made me essentially two cats in one body. My emotions are muddled by the dual responses the two parts of me give. Then Jaypaw scowled, that look he always gave when he hardened his resolve.
"Tell me anyways and I'll decide if it's true." He near hissed.
"Fine. Fine." I conceded, gesturing for him to lay beside me. "I've gotten pretty good at controlling my own dreams, so why don't I show you what happened?" I offered.
Jaypaw laid down with a grumble of acceptance. We were right at the edge of the water, so I dipped my paws in and started to show the memory while narrating.
"Long ago I was the warrior known as Mapleshade. You've already heard that story, but my motivations for why I committed such lethal acts are something you have not learned. Those three I murdered, they were cats who each directly contributed to the deaths of my kits. Ravenwing, the medicine cat who outed my kits publicly and immediately pushed for their exile." I mewed, the river changing to display Ravenwing standing above with no mercy towards my kits and I. "Frecklewish, my former best friend who turned on me in an instant at the news and watched my kits drown." The scene changed to Frecklewish watching as my kits and I thrash in the river. "And finally my unfaithful mate Appledusk who cared not for the deaths of our kits, calling them mistakes and casting me out of Riverclan before I could even bury them. The fact that all these cats eventually went to Starclan makes this all the bitter. I know now that it was a kind of madness, but I began to see visions of my kits. They claimed that they were in pain and stuck until their killers were killed. I murdered those three as my delusions requested, believing I was freeing my kits. I do not regret spilling their blood. I will not deny the joy I held in ending their lives. My only regret was going so far that I could never meet my kits again in Starclan. They're forever out of my reach. I feared for a long time that those three would enact revenge on my kits. It kept me angry and hostile. I don't know if this is fortunate or unfortunate, but I learned young souls fade faster over time. My kits don't exist in Starclan anymore. Ravenwing and Frecklewish let themselves fade long ago. Yet I still held together, clinging to existence through sheer hatred and wrath. Crookedstar, that is a cat I regret giving so much grief. He was a descendant of Appledusk, so I mindlessly threw my wrath at him. It was only after I met Smudgefoot did things start to change. He empathized with me, understanding why I held such hatred. He broke my endless cycle of loneliness where the only thing keeping me together was hatred. He let me bond with him, creating a connection between our souls, and then I found new purpose. He'd send me to listen to others, to gather information, to act for the betterment of someone else, and I liked it. I liked when he'd praise me or thank me. I liked that he didn't see me as a monster. Then Darkstorm was adopted, and I found myself bound to him as well. Darkstorm needed guidance, a cat to confess his darkest interests in, someone to help him conquer the nightmares his own desires made. I did so for a long time, and Starclan recognized my efforts. They came to me with a deal, a mission that would give me a new life and another chance to earn my way into Starclan. The deal was simple. They'd provide me with a body, and I would be pact bound to follow their will. They'd hold the power to end my life in an instant if I became rebellious. Rather fortunately for Amberpaw and myself, they missed something. My service to them would begin the moment I was born, but I was not born. Some cats forced an event where I had to be ripped from my mother's belly instead of being birthed. I was never born, so Starclan's deal never took hold of me. I am grateful for this, but I do not know who exactly freed me from my pact. The Dark Forest does not take kindly to those who do not hold to their debts. If their was an actor in Starclan, they likely worked alone. They chose to kill my mother over allowing me to be controlled. I still want to get into Starclan someday, but more importantly, I want Amberkit to be everything I could not. I want her to find a loving mate. If decided, I want to nurture my own kits. I want to be like Darkstorm and Smudgefoot who have shown me a better path. I… I want Dad to be proud of me. I want to keep hanging out with you and see you become the warrior you deserve to be. I still want to be your friend. Will you trust that?" I asked, feeling my eyes begin to burn with tears.
Jaypaw was quiet for a little bit before answering. "I do want to be your friend Amberpaw. I was just afraid of losing you to Mapleshade. It's hard. I'm not sure I can trust you the same way anymore. Even though you never did, it feels like you lied to me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive that just yet. You're still my friend, but I'd like some time to figure out how much I'm willing to trust you. I'm sure my siblings are in the same place. I'll let them know what you told me. Just… expect us to have some distance until I can better understand how I feel about this."
That hurt, but I expected it. In a way, I had broken his trust. The sheer existence of the former Mapleshade was enough to concern him. Tears streamed down my face, but I still found the ability to speak.
"Take all the time you need. You know where to find me if you ever want to talk or need me. I won't lie and say I won't miss you. I'll be eagerly awaiting for when you decide to talk to me again." I mewed, turning back to watch the river. Jaypaw vanished away, and I watched the river turn turbulent. Black clouds covered the sky, and a pouring rain soaked me. I could hear myself calling for the kits I lost. Once again, I watched the storm and river that took my kits' lives.