Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The screen is a neon-tinted blur, big-blocks off “STARTING SOON” displayed in the center frame. A high-bpm, unmistakably sponsor-approved track pulses in the background as the countdown clock ticks down. Every ten seconds, a slickly edited card flashes across the screen:

[ALHTHM_OFFICIAL] – Recent Stats: 1M Avg Viewers

[biologicallyafox] – Recent Stats: 800k Avg Viewers

[WANDERING_PUPPET] – Recent Stats: 2M Avg Viewers

[TCynoG] – Recent Stats: 1.5M Avg Viewers

[0:05]

[0:04]

[0:03]

Meanwhile, the chat box scrolls so fast it’s almost unreadable.

• [User_777]: LETS GOOOOO
• [kokomi4]: omg omg omg
• [naris.ears]: finding love for ALHTHM???
• [User_9810]: WHO bullied him into this
• [Simp4Scribes]: I SHOULDVE BEEN IN THE LINE UP
• [GamerGuy]: bet 500 bucks he rejects everyone in the first 10 minutes
• [X_Tea_X]: SCARA AND ALHAITHAM IN ONE FRAME? My ears are gonna bleed from the salt.

 [0:00]

The music swells into a triumphant fanfare. The screen flashes white. Confetti animation rains down the screen. The camera cuts to a wide-angle shot of a sleek, white-walled studio.

Five figures sit there, arranged in a straight line behind a long table. Each of them has a small face-cam box hovering near their seat. In the center is Scaramouche, wearing his signature wide-brimmed hat.

“Hey everyone, welcome back to The Puppet Booth—”

“Wrong segment,” Tighnari cuts in cheerfully from next to him.

“Shit. I forgot.”

To the far right of the table, a blond boy snorts. “How could you forget? We practiced just two seconds ago.”

Scaramouche recovers quickly, grinning into his personal face-camera. “Whatever! Welcome back to the biggest collab of the quarter! You guys saw the teaser, retweets went wild, you crashed out during the server announcement...”

Cyno blows a party horn.

“Today, we’re finally doing: Finding Love for Alhaitham!”

The studio fills with canned applause and more digital confetti on the screen.

However, as the camera pans to the far left, Alhaitham is sitting perfectly still. Hands folded. He does not smile. Does not wave. Only looks at his personal camera lens with an expression close to resignation.

The stare is unmistakable: Why am I here.

Someone’s hand, barely on-screen, pokes his shoulder.

He does not react.

“Are we done with the intro?” he asks a moment later.

Chat:

• [MiamiYacht22]: BLINK TWICE IF YOU'RE A HOSTAGE
• [Haitham_Fan]: He looks so handsome today 😍
• [MemeKing]: "Are we done with the intro?" LMAO HE HATES US
• [MathNerd_01]: Who paid him cause it obv wasn’t enough
• [Scara_Stan]: It’s been 3 seconds and he’s ready to leave help 😭
• [Donation_$10]: ALHTM GET URSELF AN UBER AND GO

“Not even close!” Scaramouche claps once. “We’re back with the Sumeru regulars today. Cyno. Tighnari. Me. And unfortunately for him—Alhaitham. And our special panelist for today, welcome back Aether from the channel @travelers!”

Aether waves enthusiastically at the camera.

“Aether, how do you feel about our chances today? Are we finding this man a soulmate or a restraining order?”

“I’m optimistic! I’ve seen Alhaitham’s DMs. People are lining up for a chance to be ignored by him.”

Tighnari smirks, turning to the main character of the day. “You’ve been quiet. Any words for the 800,000 people watching you right now?”

“I’m wondering why I didn't include an exit clause in my contract,” he mutters. “But if we must do this, why don’t you give me some advice, Scaramouche? Your 'Finding Love' episode went well, didn't it?”

Aether chokes on a laugh. Cyno furiously writes something on his whiteboard. Chat scrolls faster.

• [TeaSpiller]: OOOOH HE DIDN’T EVEN WARM UP
• [User_X]: TEA??
• [ppopo]: ALHTHM spilling the moment he can!!
• [MemeKing]: didn’t scara choose that samurai guy
• [Mirko_Simp]: is it this guy?? {link: @_thisiskzhk}
• [jonj345]: WAIT THAT ACCOUNT IS PRIVATE NOW LMAO

Scaramouche scoffs. “Oh, that’s how you’re starting. My advice? Don’t think too hard. But knowing you, you’ll try to calculate the compatibility of their blood types.”

Alhaitham shrugs, like he’s mentally scheduling his exit.

“Okay, let’s not waste more time,” Tighnari says. “Cyno, do you want to do the honors?”

Cyno suddenly lifts his whiteboard into frame.

It reads, in bold letters:

“ROUND ONE: LOVE AT FIRST CITE”

Chat:

• [Gamer_4_Life]: Cyno!!
• [User_0441]: This is going to be a bloodbath.
• [Simp4Scribes]: ALHAITHAM IS OPENING HIS SPREADSHEET 📈

ROUND ONE: LOVE AT FIRST CITE

The graphic flashes across the screen in bold, cheerful colors.

The camera cuts to the empty white space in front of the panel. Twelve contestants step out, lining up in front of the panel. They’re all well-dressed. Confident. Smiling. Some wave at the camera.

The chat explodes with a mixture of 6-7 emojis, heart emojis, and crying emojis.

• [User_9810]: omg theyre all hot
• [naris.ears]: ALHTHM DOES NOT DESERVE THIS LINEUP

“Round one is a simple introduction round,” Tighnari says. “Twelve contestants, quick questions, vibes only.”

Scara nods. “Low pressure. First impressions. Try to be normal.”

Introductions begin pleasantly. Names. Ages. Jobs.

“I can cook for you,” one contestant says, winking directly at Alhaitham.

Another laughs, “I think we’d balance each other out.”

Someone blows a kiss.

The panel reacts appropriately.

Scara whistles. Aether compliments contestant 2’s style. Cyno makes a joke. Tighnari asks, “What’s your ideal partner?” and continues the conversation.

But Alhaitham says nothing. Arms crossed. Gaze drifting above the contestants’ heads like he’s watching a ceiling fan that doesn’t exist.

And by the third contestant—

“What is your educational background?”

The room pauses. The current contestant blinks. It’s Alhaitham’s first question of the day.

“I’m—I studied engineering?”

“An oversaturated market,” Alhaitham comments.

A gasp comes from somewhere. Possibly Aether, as he chimes, “Hey! I studied engineering!”

“Which explains why you now travel the world with your sister full-time,” Alhaitham says.

Another gasp.

Chat:

• [TravelerFxn]: Aether just got roasted lmao
• [RIPCP.3]: Someone call an ambulance for contestant 3

Scaramouche covers his mouth to hide a grin as he scrolls through the chat.

Tighnari clears his throat. “So, contestant 3, what are some of your hobbies?”

“Um, I like singing?”

“Oh! Are you a karaoke person? What do you usually sing?”

“Lady Gaga?” Cyno suggests helpfully.

Contestant 3 smiles nervously. “Actually, I’m a big rock fan. My go-to song would probably be… anything Evanescence?”

Aether perks up, as if about to sing, when he’s cut off by the sound of pen on paper.

“May I ask,” Alhaitham starts without looking up, “why you answer questions as though you’re asking?”

Contestant 3 gapes. “I’m… sorry?”

“You’re doing it again. It’s a sign of low linguistic confidence.”

As Alhaitham ignores Tighnari’s reproachful look, his personal camera zooms into the paper he is writing on. It reads:

buy:
lettuce
cherry tomatoes
sliced cheese (low sodium)

Chat:

• [ScribeScandals]: is he writing a grocery list
• [obiobi]: THIS IS SO FOUL
• [Lisa_B_P]: ALHTHM PLEASE 😭
• [Godofwar]: CONTESTANT 3 LOOKS TERRIFIED

“Moving on!” Tighnari tries.

It does not get better.

“As you might know, Alhaitham loves to read,” Cyno starts. “What’s your favorite book, contestant 4?”

“Oh, I love sci-fi and fantasy! Dune is one of my favourites.”

Everyone turns to Alhaitham.

“Explain your contribution to the current socioeconomic climate,” he says flatly.

“Alhaitham, she’s a florist!”

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Aether asks next.

“I do!”

“Is love an emergent property or a social construct?” Alhaitham follows instantly.

“I’d say… emergent.”

“Why?”

“Well, it’s innate and natural for humans to love—”

“Are you erasing aromantics?”

“Oh—no, no—wait—”

“Inconsistent. Next.”

“Name a key scientist involved in the laws of thermodynamics.”

“He teaches kindergarten math, Alhaitham.”

“What is your stance on Dialectic of Enlightenment?”

“…”

“Next.”

“What’s your star sign?” Scaramouche asks someone.

“I’m a Libra! Very compatible with Aquarius.”

Alhaitham blinks slowly. “Name a philosopher.”

“What?”

“Any of them. To give you an advantage, a dead one.”

Tighnari groans.

“What’s an example of Aristotle’s golden mean?”

“Confidence.”

Aether sits up slightly, eyes wide and excited. “She answered! We got one!”

Alhaitham nods. “How so?”

“It’s the virtue between arrogance and self-doubt,” the contestant continues, smiling.

“Apply it to ethical decision-making.”

“Well, the goal is to reach Eudaimonia through balanced—”

“Thank you,” Alhaitham cuts her off. “Next.”

“ALHAITHAM!” multiple voices shout.

Chat:

• [seth0s_99]: THIS IS A TRAINWRECK 
• [MemeKing]: ALHTHM IS A MENACE 😓
• [user_900]: this is so rude but why cant i look away 🙈
• [Anti_fragile]: Tighnari’s regretting every life choice that led to this collab
• [Donation_$50]: I'll give $500 to the first person who makes him smile. It's impossible
• [iPhone12xP]: IS HE STILL WRITING A FCKING GROCERY LIST??
• [scribeslxt]: he added olive oil!

The air in the studio is thick with the metaphorical corpses of the previous contestants' self-esteem.

Tighnari looks like he’s aged five years in the last hour. Scaramouche’s lips are pressed together in a way that suggests he’s one sentence away from laughing himself off his chair. Aether is smiling sympathetically at the contestants.

Cyno, unbothered by the tension, flips his whiteboard around:

It seems the love interest market is currently in a… recession.

Alhaitham has already moved on, his pen scratching something new onto his paper.

“Well,” Scaramouche says into the mic, glancing sideways at Alhaitham, “hope you’re ready, chat. Because I am. Before we move on—how are you holding up, Alhaitham? You destroyed enough self-worths yet today?”

Alhaitham cast him a brief, dry look.

Tighnari clears his throat so hard it echoes. “Okay, let’s carry on. Contestant 11.” He smiles brighter this time. “Hi, there. Could you please introduce yourself?”

“My name is Kaveh.”

Alhaitham goes back to his notes, like he’s already decided this is going nowhere. “Name a philosopher.”

“That’s kind of pretentious, isn’t it?”

Scaramouche perks up like someone rang a dinner bell. The OOOOH from the chat is almost audible in the room. The camera zooms in on a blond man with an expression that can only be described as incensed.

Alhaitham looks up, well-practiced in the face of disdain. “If you don’t know any, you can say so.”

“Wow. And if I answer Ibn Sina, what’s next? Name one of his encyclopedias?” Contestant 11 gestures toward another contestant. “You grilled contestant 6 until she blanked even though she answered just fine. Do you even know the answers to the questions you’re asking, or are you just waiting for someone to say Ibn al-Haytham so you can boost your own ego?”

Dead. Silence.

Even the chat lags for half a second, like the servers themselves need to sit down.

Then it floods.

• [User_X]: OH SHIT
• [_Stans_Begin]: WHO IS HE AND WHY IS HE KINDA PRETTY
• [Alhthm_Updates]: if u dont get alhthm's humour why are u here 😭
• [flowerbl00m]: imagine if ALHTHM WAS waiting for someone to say himself
• [Logic_Lord]: scara looks THRILLED

Scaramouche is, in fact, glowing. As if this were the brawl he’d been waiting all day for.

Alhaitham’s eyes finally leave his grocery list to blink at Contestant 11. “The Canon of Medicine.”

Contestant 11 frowns. “What?”

“An encyclopedia by Ibn Sina,” Alhaitham says smoothly. “And I wasn’t waiting for someone to say my name. But since you brought up the father of optics—what’s a significant contribution of his?”

The contestant rolls his eyes. “Is that a trick question? You just called him the 'Father of Optics.' Should I explain how light reflects off objects into the eye?”

Alhaitham nods. “What do you think of Katalin Karikó?”

Whispers of “who?” and “it’s a pasta” come from the other panelists.

But Contestant 11 doesn’t hesitate. “I think she’s brilliant.”

“You support her mRNA vaccine research, then?”

“I didn’t say that. I mean that her tenacity despite constant rejection from the scientific establishment is inspiring. She’s a great example in the art of persistence.”

“The art of persistence,” Alhaitham repeats slowly, voice almost dry enough to mock.

But he leans forward.

The first movement he’s made toward anyone all day.

Everyone notices.

Chat:

• [seth0s_99]: WHO IS KATALIN???
• [Simp4Cyno]: wait blondie is cooking
• [ScaraFan_01]: look at scara's face he did a whole 180 lol
• [New2UsingU]: Alhthm’s interest just jumped from 0% to 75% because someone called him pretentious I CANNOT
• [AkademiyaDropout]: guess 11 isn’t just a hater. he's a hater with intellect.
• [Haitham_Haze]: HAHA ALHTHM IS BLINKING. HE'S ACTUALLY PROCESSING

“And contestant 6 didn’t answer adequately,” Alhaitham continues, not looking away from Contestant 11. “Her understanding of Aristotle was surface-level.”

Contestant 11 frowns. “She was an arts student, not a philosophy major. The fact that she could name the Golden Mean at all is impressive. I doubt you could answer questions from her field.”

“And what’s her field?”

“Art. Were you not listening?”

“Any questions would be abstract and subjective, then. There’s no value in asking.”

“You’re omitting history of arts, you absolute—”

The camera cuts to Contestant 6, who looks like a deer trapped between two apex predators.

The studio remains pristine and still, white lights glaring down on the only movement in the room: the two of them, locked in argument.

Tighnari is blinking, unsure whether to intervene. Aether’s head is swivelling back and forth. Cyno has finally put his whiteboard down to watch the show. Scaramouche is grinning again, like he just discovered fire.

And as the pair somehow volleys into the topic of modern influences of arts, (“Neuroaesthetics has come far to help develop our brains!” “If art making is a ‘cognitive workout’ as you say, how would the results be quantified?”)—

The panel does not realize that chat isn’t just reacting anymore.

It’s investigating.

Chat:

• [Sumeru_Gal]: wait he kind of looks familiar. is he an influencer?
• [Phonetic_Phenom]: GO CONTESTANT 11
• [dtnvrr4]: FINALLY SOMEONE CLOCKED HIS PRETENTIOUS ASS
• [ALHTHM_fxnsxte]: {link} is this him?
• [theivygrows]: {link: @Kaveh_Architect} this bio. it’s the same dude right?
• [ScribeScandals]: ALHTHM’s still talking omg
• [01hhj78]: #11 WON AN AWARD AT 24?? WHO IS HE??
• [frostfallhour]: {link} I read that’s like a nobel prize but for architecture
• [Anti_fragile]: WTFFFF
• [keykonez]: THE PRODUCERS BROUGHT A GENIUS TO FIGHT THE FAKE GENIUS LMAOOO

Scaramouche is the first to return to the chat and—

“Oh, damn. Oh, damn.”

“What?” Tighnari asks.

Scaramouche cackles, effectively interrupting Alhaitham and Contestant 11’s spiel.

“Sethos, how did you guys even—” he stops himself, waving to the producers off-screen. “We need better mods. Now, Contestant 11, is it true that you won a… Pritzker Prize in 2022? Am I supposed to know what that is? Chat’s saying it’s as good as a Nobel.”

Alhaitham’s eyes flicker, as if he recognizes it.

Contestant 11 flushes. “It was a long time ago.”

“You built a whole palace!” Aether blurts, scrolling through Google images with his jaw dropped. “A palace. Why are you on a dating show?”

“That’s—that’s beside the point. We are discussing that man’s lack of basic social etiquette!”

But Alhaitham is now reading through the chat (filled with links and pictures) instead of continuing their discussion about art therapy. And precisely two beats later:

“Where did you study?”

Contestant 11 shakes his head. “That’s hardly relevant. You’re filtering for Russell Groups and Ivy Leagues without pedagogical context.”

“Rankings exist for a reason. They reflect academic rigor.”

“Please. They reflect legacy admissions and capital. And what’s the point? Contestant 5 went to LSE for Business Administration, and you didn’t even blink.”

“I didn’t dismiss them because of the institution. I dismissed them because they studied Business.”

Scaramouche wheezes. The chat floods with skull emojis. Tighnari is somewhere making hand signs to the producers, perhaps wondering if that would get them cancelled.

And Contentant 11 covers his mouth now, as if he were hiding a traitorous laugh. The chat takes notice of how Alhaitham perks up at that.

Contestant 11 turns to Contestant 5. “Sorry. Don’t listen to him. I think Business is a perfectly legitimate field of study.”

Chat:

• [Anti_fragile]: WAIT I FOUND HIM
• [Anti_fragile]: CLASS OF 2020!! GRADUATED SUMMA CUM LAUDE!!
• [bookwormstargaze]: Oooo guess what uni. Y’all aren’t ready.
• [dtnvrr4]: SUN?? 🫨
• [User_9847]: ISN’T THAT ALHTHM’S OLD UNIVERSITY
• [kkdian]: SUMERU NATIONAL??? WTF
• [Scara_Step_On_Me]: His eyebrows rose 2 millimeters. That’s a 10.0 on the Alhthm Richter Scale.
• [rrosracer]: lmaooo they went to the same college

Tighnari sighs heavily into his face-cam. “Guys, come on. Keep to the public portfolio. Where are our moderators?”

Scaramouche laughs again, hysterically. “Alhaitham, chat just found his thesis. He didn't just go to your university; he was the top of your university. He’s the guy they put on the brochures that you probably threw away.”

Contestant 11 blinks. Pretty red eyes widening. Perhaps because he hadn’t expected to be doxxed on a livestream. Also, perhaps, because he hadn’t expected that Alhaitham also graduated from Sumeru National.

“You graduated from SUN? What year?” he asks, tone no longer as reproachful.

“2022. In Linguistics and Ancient History.”

Aether, helpful to a fault, adds: “And Information Theory. He’s a double major.”

Contestant 11 blinks twice as the chat spams nerd emojis. Sumeru National was a graveyard of prodigies. Single-digit acceptance rates. A place you don’t survive by coasting or by spending money.

“Hmph,” mutters Contestant 11. “Guess we missed each other.”

Cyno lifted his whiteboard, on it the words:
Why did the architect get kicked out of the dating show? He couldn't find a foundation for the relationship.

“Kaveh, correct?” Alhaitham asks then, ignoring the others. “From Kshahrewar?”

Contestant 11—Kaveh—groans. “God, the internet is terrifying.”

Alhaitham doesn’t tease or argue this time. Just tilts his head. “Did you take an Introduction to Sociology course under Professor Lisa?”

Kaveh narrows his eyes. “How do you know that?”

“You wrote a paper on power paradoxes.”

Kaveh’s suspicion sharpens. The whole room does.

“I read that paper,” Alhaitham continues. “Professor Lisa used it as an example for our year.”

For exactly half a second, Kaveh preens.

Then—

“It was terrible.”

Silence. Absolute. “Excuse me?”

“Your arguments on state fragility and legitimacy were underdeveloped. I see why you focused on Karikó’s struggle rather than her achievements earlier.”

“Oh, I’m sorry I don't view the world as a series of spreadsheets and logic gates!” Kaveh snaps. “That was an extra credit course. 300-words. Was I supposed to spend two years on it?”

“It’s fortunate you didn’t pursue academia, then.”

Kaveh goes scarlet. “ME? Look at you. You’re a streamer!”

Scaramouche gasps dramatically. “HE SAID IT.”

Cyno raises his whiteboard. “Streaming is still technically—”

“What happened to 'Information Theory,' huh?! Did nobody want to listen to you in symposiums, so you had to find a captive audience on the internet?”

“Have your symposiums ever covered a case of ‘Defensive Projection?’” Alhaitham asks back.

“I’ll show you a better case. It’s called ‘Property Damage’!”

“Let it happen, Cyno,” whispers Tighnari, defeated. “Let it happen.”

Behind the scenes, a producer in a headset scurries onto the edge of the frame, whispering urgently.

“Guys, we’re running behind on schedule. We only booked the studio for four hours today.”

Cyno blinks. “I thought we were ahead of schedule with all of the rejections Alhaitham did.”

“That was until Contestant 11… and we still have Contestant 12 to interview.”

“Ah. I forgot we had one more. Um. Don’t worry, Scara will cover any overtime.”

The screen scratches out to a neon-tinted blur again, big blocks of “WE’LL BE BACK SOON” slamming into place.

There wasn’t even a “goodbye” or a “we’ll see you after the break!”

Just static music kicking in, cutting off Kaveh mid-gesture.

Who’s Contestant 12? Nobody knows.

Chat:

• [Sleepy_Scholar]: ALHTHM just admitted he’s been thinking about 11’s paper for YEARS
• [feather.red]: AND THEY WERE UNI MATES 😭😭😭
• [Donation_$50]: YOU CANT MAKE THIS SHIT UP. GIVE THIS TO THE PRODUCTION TEAM.
• [_Stans_Begin]: {link} GUYS. Look at this old photo of the library archive. That’s ALHTHMs back, and Kaveh is literally three tables away.
• [dtnvrr4]: y’all are scary!!
• [greenthumb]: anyone else feel bad that the other contestants are just like… standing there?
• [wangxianlover]: DID YOU SEE ALHTHM's EYES WHEN HE TALKED ABOUT THE PAPER??
• [ooyoo.oyo]: contestant 11 ftw
• [alhthm4ever]: IF HE PICKS SOMEONE ELSE ISTG IM RIOTING

The screen flashes, the music swells—and the stream resumes.

Tighnari waves at the camera. “Welcome back! Thanks for sticking around.”

Scaramouche is sipping on an energy drink while reading the chat. “That last part was something, huh? The next part will be even better. But before that—any thoughts from our panel? Any contestant you think stands out?” He smirks. “Anyone thinks Alhaitham will find love?”

The chat races before the panel does.

Aether chuckles. “Well. I think Contestant 11 left quite an impression on all of us. Wouldn’t you say so, Alhaitham?”

Alhaitham says nothing. He’s back to writing on his paper. The camera zooms in to catch him adding ‘detergent’.

Tighnari, as the only member trying to save this stream, talks about other contestants briefly, praising 6’s passion of performance and 9’s book-reading hobby.

“So, since we’re short on time, we’re moving straight to the next round! You didn’t see it, but we already narrowed down twelve contestants to six. Now, let’s bring in the ones who made it.”

The chat floods again when they see Kaveh still around. Whatever eliminations happened might as well not have.

Then Cyno lifts his whiteboard again.

It reads, in bubbly lettering this time:

“ROUND TWO: SHOW ME THE MONEY LOVE”

And one by one, the remaining contestants show off their talents to win Alhaitham over.

Juggling.
Singing.
Dancing.
Poetry.

Contestant 1 wows them with a magic trick. Contestant 6 receives high praise for her dance. Contestant 8 tells jokes that makes Aether spit out Pepsi through his nose.

The panel claps. Hearts flood the chat.
Balance returns.

But Alhaitham remains as stern as ever. “Impressive. Not aligned with my lifestyle. Next.”

Repeat. Repeat.

His posture is folded again. Neutral face. Gaze mindless as if the acrobatic performance in front of him isn’t at all interesting. His grocery list has only grown longer.

Until—

“Contestant 11! Welcome back to the talent round.”

Chat:

• [archiekins00]: DID YOU SEE THAT
• [_mqy776]: ALHTHM sat upright. Pen flat on his desk. Eyes straight ahead. Just from 11 walking into the room? Yeah, 11 won.
• [rinoiah]: we all know he’s been waiting
• [eves_mr]: I can’t wait to see what he does!!

Kaveh smiles at the camera, effectively prompting the chat to spam more hearts.

“I’ll be sketching for my talent,” he says, lifting a sketchbook. “I hope you guys like it.”

Chat:

• [MemeKing]: ALHTHM totally frowned when 11 smiled at the camera
• [Logic_Hater]: i can almost hear him going “ur supposed to get me to like it”
• [popo]: lolololol u guys are reaching

And the next moment—Kaveh and Alhaitham are sitting face to face, split only by an easel. Kaveh instructs him to be still and keep quiet, looking from Alhaitham to his paper, detached and focused as he starts sketching.

“How long will this take?” came Alhaitham’s voice, not a minute later.

“Ten minutes.”

“That’s longer than I expected.”

“It would be faster if you stopped talking.”

“Just clarifying whether this will be a sketch or a caricature.”

Kaveh huffs, his eyes meeting Alhaitham’s, who only raised his brows guiltlessly.

“Any drawing of you would be a caricature,” he mutters. “Now, stop moving.”

Chat:

• [Zen.Zen.Zen]: KAVEH SAID DON’T TALK AND HE IMMEDIATELY TALKED
• [user999]: IS THIS ALHTHM MAKING CONVERSATION FIRST??
• [itsjenie]: aww they grow up so fast!

In the meantime, Scaramouche is whispering into his mic: “Alhaitham hasn't blinked in three minutes. I think he’s forgotten how to breathe because a pretty boy told him to shut up."

True enough, Alhaitham hasn’t moved at all. Just watching Kaveh as he sketched.

“Turn your head just a bit to the left,” Kaveh says.

“Why?”

“Am I drawing you or are you drawing me?”

Alhaitham exhales. Turns his head with exaggerated patience. Something that makes the chat combust because Alhaitham obeyed without a single snark.

“Can you move that strand of hair? That one on your forehead. No, the middle. Not—” Kaveh gives him a look as Alhaitham gives up and stays perfectly still.

With a sigh, Kaveh steps closer, ignoring the excited cries and whispers from the panel. He adjusts the locks of gray hair. Inches back thoughtfully. Leans in to fix it again.

Alhaitham’s eyes don't follow Kaveh’s hand—they stay locked on Kaveh’s face.

The mic doesn’t quite catch their voices, but the chat makes out enough:

• [Nari_Luvr]: "Is a strand of hair really going to make a difference?" HE’S SO DUMB
• [RIPCP.3]: 11 is so brave for touching him, I’d be shaking
• [itsjenie]: THE WAY HE LOOKED AT KAVEH’S LIPS???? I’M DEAD
• [popo]: You guys realize they JUST met right. It’s not that deep.
• [Sumeru_Gal]: Did 11 just say “I’m trying to find the Golden Mean of your face but it’s difficult because you’re 90% arrogance”? lmfaooo top tier flirting
• [desSertvibes]: i feel like I’m watching something private
• [Scara_Stan]: Scara’s literally eating popcorn rn. Scara is me.

Too quickly, ten minutes fly by.

And when Kaveh hands over the sketchbook to Alhaitham, the man only says, “It looks like me.”

Kaveh snorts. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was supposed to draw Tighnari instead.”

Alhaitham’s lips curve—just slightly. Enough for the chat to promise clippings.

At Scaramouche’s insistence, Alhaitham lifts the sketch to the camera. Aether says, “you got his constipated glare correct!” Cyno asks if he does portrait commissions. Chat gets to work and finds his older drawings.

Then—

Alhaitham flips to the next page.

“Hey—”

“This is the Burj Khalifa,” Alhaitham says about the next drawing. “It’s missing a section.”

“It's missing many sections. Because it's unfinished.”

Flip.

“Is this the Sumeru University courtyard?”

“Do you need to ask with the crest right there?”

“There should be two arches here.”

“I removed them,” Kaveh sniffs. “They were ugly.”

“You’re altering reality.”

“I’m not selling these, am I?”

Flip.

Alhaitham raises a brow. “You drew your own award? How very narcissistic.”

Kaveh’s mouth falls, lunging for the book. “I was proud of it! And I can draw whatever I want. Give it back!”

Alhaitham keeps flipping.

Chat:

• [Starfire-Black]: IS THIS HOW HE FLIRTS 😹
• [desSertvibes]: he’s pulling pigtails!! is he a kid??
• [Dopey_Fish]: WHERES THAT GUY WHO SAID HE’D DONATE 500 IF ANYONE MAKES ALHTHM SMILE
• [Donation_$10]: DON’T RUN AWAY
• [EunjaeHong]: How to have an award-winning architect draw you? Be ALHTHM.
• [Scara_Stan]: ALHTHM stans, does he talk this much usually?
• [ALHTM_fxnsxte]: NOT AT ALL, HE’S SO OBVIOUS ABOUT IT

Alhaitham is still holding the sketchbook. Still commenting. Still engaged.

And although Kaveh is arguing back, he doesn’t ask for it back again.

Behind the scenes, a producer appears again, massaging her temple. “We can’t extend the studio time anymore, guys. Someone else booked after us.”

Cyno waves dismissively. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine.”

Scaramouche checks the viewer count. “…It’s extremely fine.”

Three roses are placed in Alhaitham’s hands.

“Alright, time to choose a Top 3! Now, Alhaitham, please give roses to the three contestants you wish to advance.”

The said man exhales. Long-suffering. Like he’d rather be completing paperwork instead of standing here.

Still. He didn’t waste time handing a rose out to Kaveh.

No pause. No speech. No eye contact with anyone else.

Kaveh takes the rose, brows knitting. “Thanks. But aren’t you supposed to explain why…?”

Alhaitham shrugs. Then, without ceremony, he tosses the other two roses to the people standing nearest to Kaveh. Not even looking.

Kaveh gasps, scandalized on their behalf. Tighnari drops his head into his hands. Scaramouche and Aether snicker. And Cyno is trying to decide whether Contestant 10 or Contestant 7 got the last rose since it landed between them.

No one bothers to read the chat anymore.

The screen fades back in from the second “WE’LL BE BACK SOON” into a refreshed panel once again.

It’s the last round. The Final 3.

• [MemeKing]: everyone try to act surprised when ALHTHM chooses the winner

Cyno lifts his whiteboard.

It reads, in cursive script now:

“ROUND THREE: TWO HALVES OF A WHOLE-ISTIC VIEW!”

Aether explains the format. Alhaitham and each contestant will sit around a table. Each person gets a glass of water. The table is split into five columns of strongly agree to strongly disagree. Tighnari will read a statement, and the couple’s compatibility will be discerned based on the shared opinions.

With the first contestant, Alhaitham is visibly checked out. Sliding the glass back and forth. Minimal commentary.

At one point:
“Contestant 6 is implying—”
“I’m Contestant 3, actually,” the person interrupts, awkward.
Alhaitham blinks. Dismisses it.

Aether laughs into his fist. Scaramouche takes pictures of Alhaitham’s grocery list.

The chat is in hysterics:

• [Sleepy_Scholar]: THIS IS SO RUDE
• [Sleepy_Scholar]: BUT IF MY MAN WAS IN LOVE ID WANT HIM LIKE THIS TOO
• [frostfallhour]: Contestant 3, you’re loved! Forget ALHTHM!
• [Haitham_Fan]: HE JUST DOESNT KNOW WHO’S WHO ASIDE FROM 11

And once again, when Kaveh’s turn arrives, the chat detonates.

First statement:

“Outside shoes should always be taken off before entering the house.”

They both strongly agree.

Kaveh laughs as Alhaitham launches into a detailed explanation of tracked bacteria. Not mocking. Engrossed. Eyes bright. Alhaitham stops mid-sentence to listen as Kaveh chimes in about MRSA infections.

Second statement. Still aligned. Light banter. Easy.

Then the panel drops the landmine.

“Knowledge is a pursuit for one's self-improvement only.”

Alhaitham slides his glass firmly to strongly agree, just as Kaveh pushes his to strongly disagree.

Kaveh frowns. “You don’t think knowledge is a gift to be shared with society?”

“If a person seeks knowledge simply to 'help' others, then the motivation is validation, not truth.”

“What? You’re saying that if the world was burning, you’d just sit there reading about the chemistry of fire instead of helping put it out?”

“I’d be the only one who actually knows how to use the extinguisher while you're busy trying to 'emotionally support' the flames.”

“That is the most arrogant, selfish thing I’ve ever heard!” Kaveh says, incredulous.

“I didn’t say hoard it. I said knowledge is self-serving. Application is a choice.”

“How is acquisition self-serving? Who absorbs information just to do nothing with it?”

“I do,” Alhaitham says, eyes narrowed. “All the time.”

Chat:

• [littlemischief]: wait this kinda INTENSE
• [mimemercy]: i love talkative alhaitham but hes not backing down huh?
• [hironoBB]: THEY MATCH EACH OTHER WELL
• [USER_999]: HES RAGEBAITING HIM I KNOW IT
• [ALHTHM_fxnsxte]: knowledge is for individual well-being and pursuit! Agreed!

They don’t move on from statement three.

They go back and forth until Kaveh is exhaling in frustration. “You’re so stubborn.”

Alhaitham crosses his arms. “That makes two of us.”

“Ugh. Why do I bother. You’re obviously welded to your opinions.”

“Then why are you even here?”

Kaveh snaps back: “I didn’t know what this was. Tighnari asked me to fill in for someone and said I could win a seafood buffet!”

Scaramouche and Aether gasp like Kaveh just dropped his bank account number. Cyno gives a ‘uh oh’ look to his face-cam. Tighnari buries his face in his hands.

Alhaitham stares at Kaveh like he didn’t quite understand. “You know Tighnari?”

“He’s the only reason I’m here,” Kaveh scoffs. “And the buffet.”

“You built the Palace of Alcazarzaray. You don’t need to win a seafood buffet to eat a seafood buffet.”

“It’s the principal, Alhaitham. The original contestant 11 would’ve tried their best, so I’m trying my best. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

“Right. Because my intellectual integrity can be bought for the price of a buttered shrimp.”

“Oh, you’re so—”

Behind the scenes, the producers grab Cyno by the collar and hiss, “We have thirty minutes left to wrap up legally. No overtime fee will help you if the next booking sues us all. Get them OUT.”

So while Alhaitham and Kaveh glower at each other, Scaramouche and Aether shepherd Alhaitham away as Tighnari steers his fuming friend in the opposite direction.

Then, Alhaitham grabs his pen and paper and almost walks off set.

“Alhaitham?” Cyno calls. “There’s one more contestant.”

The said man pauses, his frown smoothening slightly. “What?”

“Contestant 6. Nilou. Dancer?” Cyno does a little dance as if that explained it.

Chat screams:

• [User_8357]: HE FORGOT 
• [pewpewpew]: man literally has TUNNEL VISION
• [sonnynotangel]: HE THOUGHT IT WAS OVER AHHAHAH
• [cynofans]: CYNO’s SO CUTE
• [Illit_forever6]: end the show, kaveh already won!!
• [Reze.Arc]: Nilou’s soo pretty but girl you are fighting a losing battle

Contestant 6, Nilou, is sweet. Soft-spoken. Graceful. She yields where Alhaitham pushes.

Their segment ends early, to the relief of the producers.

After the final break, the crew reconvenes.

The Top 3 has been scaled down to a Top 2.

Contestant 6. Nilou.
Contestant 11. Kaveh.

Only one rose resides in Alhaitham’s hands.

The chat is already typing at a slower rate, most of the viewers already assuming who Alhaitham will choose. Some peel off early, tossing donations and cheerful farewells into the void.

• [Sleepy_Scholar]: enjoy the buffet kaveh!!
• [MemeKing]: THIS WAS RIGGED BUT IDC, CANT WAIT TO WATCH THE SEAFOOD BUFFET LIVESTREAM WITH #HAIKAVEH

Scaramouche waves lazily at the camera. “We had a great time today. Thanks everyone for tuning in and helping our resident introvert-bookworm-horrible social skills-streamer get laid.”

“Scara!”

“Oops. Sorry. Moving on.”

Lights dim. Music crescendos before dissipating. The studio goes so quiet you can hear the cooling fans of the PC.

“Alright, Alhaitham. The moment of truth. Let’s hope this ends better than Scara’s episode,” Aether says, grinning, ignoring the shorter boy’s sneer. “So, who is the winner of 'Finding Alhaitham Love'?”

The chat is already spamming Kaveh’s name before the announcement.

But Alhaitham stands. Long pause. He looks irritated. Not conflicted.

“Contestant 11 has a good portfolio,” he says. “But he’s too argumentative. I’m not sure it’s appreciated or a sign of compatibility.”

Kaveh’s eyes widen just a bit. Tighnari’s ears twitch. Even Nilou tilts her head. The chat spams question marks.

The room doesn’t breathe.

At last, Alhaitham says, “I value harmony. I choose contestant 6.”

Silence.

Someone forgot to cue the confetti. Even the music doesn’t change. The chat refreshes, wondering if the stream froze.

The producers blink. “Can you repeat that, Alhaitham?”

Alhaitham sighs, rubbing his nose bridge. “I choose 6… Nilou.”

Nilou blinks in surprise. “Me?”

Tighnari’s jaw actually drops. “What?”

Cyno frowns openly, his pun-filled whiteboard slipping from his hands. Scara exhales like a man watching a bridge collapse exactly as predicted. Aether whips to the producers as if that would change the answer.

The chat goes wild.

But Kaveh smiles. Polite. Professional. He claps first, loud. Enough to snap the producer in charge of the lights and celebration back to life. Confetti falls like mockery.

Aether scrambles to recover. “Wow! That’s… great news! Congratulations, Nilou! And Alhaitham! And… why? I mean—last words?”

“Nilou is a streamer,” Alhaitham explains, passing her the rose. “It’s logical that we’d get along better.”

Nilou accepts the rose, smiling hesitantly, unsurely, up until Kaveh taps her on the back to congratulate her. The mic picks nothing up over the music, but the camera shows him gesturing supportively.

The camera also catches Alhaitham looking at their direction.

But before people could decide if he is looking at Kaveh or Nilou—

“And that’s all for today, folks!” Scaramouche cuts in. “Before our legal team tackles us to the ground—see you next time! All links down below! Bye!”

And the feed glitches out.

[LIVESTREAM ENDED]

But the chat is still live.

And it is carnage.

Chat:

• [konanghei]: WTF WTF WTF
• [yilin77woo]: KAVEH BABY NO
• [NurNurNur]: 6 and him had ZERO chemistry. ZERO.
• [a3c4.0]: NILOU UR GORGEOUS BUT THIS IS WRONG
• [narusasu4lyf]: EVEN SHE LOOKS CONFUSED
• [popo]: Thank god he chose her. 11 was loud and annoying.
• [8xxLUVxx8]: BOOOOO 👎👎👎👎👎
• [ppgBBB]: KAVEH LOOKS SO SAD BUT STILL CLAPPING I HATE IT 😭😭
• [blueyes.79]: Even the producers were stumped tf alhthm LOCK IN
• [miffy33]: Wtf?? this was queerbaiting as shit
• [USER_999]: I WANT MY TIME BACK WHAT THE HELL
• [ALHTHM_fxnsxte]: LEAVE ALHTHM ALONE HE CAN CHOOSE. HE’S AN ADULT.

Thumbs down spam. Middle fingers. Essays. Mods crying.

And all the clippings for the livestream?

Anger-filled.

In the aftermath, the internet does what it always does.

It chooses a darling.

Kaveh’s moments circulate. Edits. Thinkpieces. Millions of views.
“Why Contestant 9 deserved better.”
“The architect who stood up for everyone.”
“When emotional intelligence threatens intellectual ego.”

His following explodes. His journal articles sell out. His face makes it to online fansites.

Until one day, he posts, overwhelmed—

[Instagram Story: @Kaveh_Architect]

“Hi everyone... wow. My phone hasn't stopped buzzing. Please, you don't need to follow me! I’m just an architect. And please stop sending mean messages to Alhaitham or Nilou. It was just a show, and I was just filling in. Anyway, since there are so many of you here... I’ve linked a fundraiser for the ‘Global Children's Welfare Fund.' If you have a few bucks to spare, please put it there instead of buying me pity coffee. Thanks!"

He waves at his phone, tired but handsome in his studio, surrounded by blueprints—and the video ends.

That only served to make the internet combust again.

[Twitter/X Trends]

1. #KavehDeservesTheWorld (400k posts)
2. #ALHTHMIsOverParty (250k posts)
3. #JusticeForContestant11

Two weeks later, when outrage moves on, giving way to newer gossip as it always does—

A headline drops.

Photos surface.

Nilou at a high-end seafood restaurant. Laughing and clinking glasses with another woman.

Her fans trace it back to a childhood friend.

Others trace it back to—
—Definitely NOT Alhaitham.

Speculation reignites. Everyone tags everyone.

Tighnari goes private for a few days. Nilou locks her replies. Only Scaramouche puts out a statement: “Do I look like his keeper? Idk shit.”

When Alhaitham streams that weekend, he answers questions about a language game. About his upload schedule. About a book he’s halfway through and does not recommend.

He does not read messages mentioning Kaveh or Nilou.

And the internet, having nothing solid to grab onto, fills the silence with theories.