Chapter Text
“There will come a time where you won't recognize yourself.”
A phrase he once heard as a newspawn. One he never quite understood the meaning at the time.
“You will look in the mirror, and see a stranger staring back.”
The inphernal slowly kneeled down to his height, and began softly petting his hair, brushing a few strands away from his face.
“But you know yourself more than anyone, Medkit.”
There was a look of sorrow, and regret in her eyes. She looked at him like he was about to disappear at any given moment. Fearful that if she even blinked, the child in front of her would be gone like a dandelion in the wind.
“You have a gift no one else has, not even in the whole inpherno.”
She pulled the small child into an embrace, like this would be their last. Tears slowly blurring her vision.
“Use it. Use it, so you won't end up like me.”
“Why wouldn't I want to be like you, mama?”
He didn't understand why, but his caretaker looked at him with so much sadness in her eyes, he didn't mean for that to happen. Did he say something wrong?
“You have a bright future ahead of you, my child.” She held him close and continued. “There is...nothing left for me. I'm finished here.”
“You could do so much, you are a brilliant mind, so much more than what I could have done. Whatever you may become, it should be something you truly want.”
She embraced him once more, a bit more tightly this time.
“Remember this, Medkit.”
“You will never be alone, mama will always be with you, wherever you are, whatever you become, we will be connected, always.”
_______
That day feels like a distant dream now. As Medkit looks at the snow outside his window, he can't help but wonder if she's somehow still out there. It's foolish, childish even, to be whining for his caretaker like a lost child, but isn't that what he is?
She should be here with him. He knows she'll always be with him, she said so herself, but it's hard to believe that when he can't really be with her. Maybe if he tried harder, mama would have stayed with him. She loves him, he knows that, he's her child of course, but he's still so young, young and lost. He needs her to guide him again, even if it's only for a bit. Just to be with her again.
He knows he'll always be her child, no matter what, he just misses her. Parents are supposed to be with you every step of the way, why can't he have that? What did he do for her to leave him all alone in the cold? Could he have even stopped her from leaving?
She left for a good reason, he shouldn't beat himself up so much about this. She cared about you. Despite trying to convince himself, it still hurts. It aches, he doesn't like it at all. It feels like he's back to the day when mama left.
What would become of a lost child like him? The only thing that feels like she's still here, still present, like she's embracing him again, is her words. They still ring in Medkit's mind. Like a string connecting the parent and child. A thread only they can see, the only peace they can have.
Maybe if he tried, became something good, something useful, he'd be able to see her again. Maybe she'd come back, she said she'd always be with him, didn't she?
He just wants to see his mom again. Is that too much to ask? Is wanting guidance from your own parent too greedy? Is that too much? It feels like he's severing the thread connecting them. She's too far for him to reach, too far for each of them to see each other. He doesn't want to snap it.
It's a bit stupid, but sometimes he likes to imagine that he's a newspawn again. That he'd wake up as a little kid, in his mama's arms once more. It makes him feel a bit better, even though he's well aware that it would never happen. Still, it's a nice thought to have, maybe a bit bittersweet but it gives him peace.
Mama always said he was smart. Blackrock has the greatest minds, he'll figure everything out someday. He hopes so. Maybe it's too late to be thinking about all of this, he needs rest if he wants to do well. Mama would be proud.
The young inphernal retreats to his bed. He doesn't bother closing the blinds, watching the snow fall is always calming to him, it helps him sleep.
_______
“There will come a time where you won't recognize yourself.”
He can't sleep. Despite his best efforts, he simply can't. He keeps thinking about what his caretaker said.
Will I really see a different person in the mirror? It's kind of scary to think about. To see someone so far from yourself that you feel like a stranger to even yourself. Mama said to not end up like her, did she experience this? Medkit doesn't want to imagine that.
Mama did so much for him, she doesn't deserve all that pain. He should have noticed much sooner, maybe that's why she left. But she seemed so happy...was she hiding it? Imagining losing yourself is scary. He doesn't want to change, he doesn't want to lose himself.
He doesn't wanna end up like that. He likes being himself, who is he if he isn't Medkit? He looks at the still open window. The snow got stronger, and it's still dark outside. It's 1:30 AM, he should definitely be asleep right now. Everything just feels so...dull, right now. A bit confusing even, he can't tell if he likes that or not. It doesn't feel right, but it doesn't feel wrong as well.
The young healer stares at the ceiling. He doesn't know how much time has passed, but he eventually falls asleep after all that thinking. He can worry about this some other time. His mom wouldn't want him to think like this.
Tomorrow is a new day.
'Cause now I know that
Pain cannot define the past
We are built to overcome endless mishaps
You know, it is not so bad
When you are with me
Cherish as long as we last
'Cause S is not for sayonara
Let memories play back