Chapter Text
I hold many different feelings in my chest.
Anger. Resentment. Curiosity. Love.
I feel so strongly for you though, that my chest aches and I wonder how long I can hold onto you.
But there are things in this life that we hope for despite all the odds telling us "no".
And you are that thing in my life that I will forever hold in that space of my heart that truly knew all of these feelings.
Love. Resentment. Curiosity. Anger.
Because we never began, but you're the best thing that I have had to let go of.
Please don't let me lose you.
There once was a chestnut haired boy that had her heart. He didn't know that, of course. They were merely children, so why should he? There were many things about this boy that she found attractive: his deep blue eyes always lost in thought, his voice rich and deep, and her favorite, his mind. He was brilliant, even as children, and she looked up to him because of his brilliance.
This boy was the reason that she bartered with her brothers, older and younger, to pass her books from their lessons and their father's impressive collection in secret. How else does one get a brilliant boy to notice oneself unless you become like him? And so she did.
She learned the meaning of the words that rolled off his tongue, and when she found that hidden bravery deep in her bones, she would often add something to his thoughts. Those were the moments she loved the most, when he would pause and nod in agreement, acknowledging the brilliance that she also held within.
That was how she spent time with the chestnut haired boy with the thoughtful blue eyes. Under the wide oak tree in his family's front yard or under the ivy adorned gazebo at her family's manor, that's where they left the others and talked. He would talk the most, telling her about the books he had read and the theories he had about things he read in the newspaper. She listened and added on to his brilliance, thankful to be the one whom he felt he could share these things with.
She sometimes wondered if she was the first to recognize his mind for what it is. She used to feel pride for the chestnut haired boy, who's hair had begun to darken as his days under the wide oak tree with her became memories of his past. His name began to cover the headlines of papers, even before he had graduated from college.
And she would smile, tuck her honey brown hair behind her ears and tuck away the papers to save. Her dark eyes would sometimes read over the words of his mysteries and cases when she missed him. Because he would return, right?
Of course, he will. She told herself. They were due to be engaged, maybe court for some time before it was official. That had always been the plan for them, laid out when they were children. Before they were old enough to understand marriage. Before he left for school. Before his father passed. Before she learned how much she truly loved her brunet haired boy with his calculating eyes.
But what once was, was no longer to be. The promises they shared, the thoughts they had born together became nothing but words children said to one another without thoughts behind them.
"The engagement is off, he's decided that working is what is best for him."
This feeling, this anger, had never flustered in her chest like it had before. She was furious. Abandoned. Hurt. Since when had this been the plan? Since when had the boy that she had grown up loving come to the conclusion that she wasn't enough to be a part of his glorious life? And in her rage she took the box of papers she had taken to collecting for her chestnut haired boy and she burned them one by one on the floor of her father's library. These weren't the accomplishments of her chestnut haired boy - these were the accomplishments of a brunet haired man who had become cold to the world around him.
"I hate him now." She says to her oldest brother who said that he is supposed to see him in town for a business trip, he can pass along a letter of some kind.
"Surely not?" Callum says with wide eyes, "you've always adored him!"
"Not anymore."
Not even a week later Harris and Zachery bring her a paper with excitement in their eyes.
"Sherlock's done it again!"
"He's solved the one that the police deemed unsolvable. This one will be the best of the collection!"
But her second and third brother freeze as she takes the entire paper and drops it into the fire, callously turning away from them, "I don't collect those anymore."
It's the youngest of the four brothers, and all five of the Rhodes siblings, who informs his brothers of their sister's change of heart. He tells them of the night he found her crying as she burned away the collection and watched all of the works become ashes. (How he had draped a blanket over her shoulders and tried to make her hear him). He tells them of the girl who often visited the Holmes house whenever she had time; on breaks, during the summer, whenever she was near the house.
Always at the place where the two families had discussed bringing their families together by marriage. Always at the place with remnants of the boy she used to love. Always with the sister of the chestnut haired boy, oh yes, Natalia Rhodes was near the chestnut haired little girl as often as she could, as Enola reminded her of the boy with deep blue eyes.
...
She was nothing less than destroyed. Shattered. Aching. And then, numb. Nothing in exchange for nothing. Tears falling like ghosts caressing her cheeks.
Natalia Rhodes is a shell of who she was when she thought that she had a love meant for forever. And she does not yet see a way out of this darkness that she is sinking into. But time is a remedy best served with love, and that is exactly what the Rhodes siblings gave to their sister.
Luther was good about bringing her new books to read, she had always been fond of reading, especially when he had access to his school's library. He made sure that she had something to distract herself with, even if it was just letters from their brothers.
Callum and Vanessa insisted that she join them at their home outside of London every so often. They let their children drag their aunt out into the garden where she would laugh and smile for hours on end, something that had been a rarity for the past few months.
Harris was a nervous wreck when he confessed to his little sister that his wife might be pregnant. Yet as Natalia let herself be consumed by the joy of yet another addition to her family, Harris could only share a knowing smile with Amelia at the perfectly, unplanned distraction.
Zachery brought news to distract his sister with as well, and he also begged her for advice. He had fallen head over heels in a matter of months and with slow coaxing her brother was due to be married.
The three new women of the Rhodes family learned, oh so quickly just how tight the Rhodes siblings all were (a strange occurrence in the world they lived in). There was nothing that they couldn't ask of Natalia that she wouldn't follow through with. All of the brothers depended on each other with pride. And they found themselves in a group of people who felt like more than family. They found themselves with people who cared, especially Natalia Rhodes.
Natalia Rhodes, to be frank, knew exactly what her brothers and sister-in-laws were doing. She played along, even letting herself fall into the overwhelming happiness that they surrounded her with. It was hard not to collapse in their embraces and just let it all go.
A part of her screamed that she couldn't, shouldn't.
That part of her were the pieces that spent time at the Holmes' home. In the overrun gardens and book filled hallways, always smiling alongside Mrs. Holmes and little Enola.
In the place that she had been to so often as child, in the place that she had fallen in love - Natalia finally started to bloom again. Filling in the emptiness that had been building in her heart. Allowing herself to grow into someone without a lover. She began to heal.
Almost a year had flown by since Natalia found her heart again. And then, there it was, the news that threatened to send her back over the edge.
An interest. A merger. A boy who belonged to one of her father's business partners. A boy that she despised more than anyone else. A boy that they were going to force her to marry.
Gerald Crowell. The second son of the Crowell's. A trust fund bastard who made Natalia's skin crawl whenever he got too close.
Her mother refused to listen to reason, and her father refused to hear her at all. Her brothers became furious as she began to slip. Callum threatening to kill him and Luther warning her whenever their parents made plans.
Another year races by them, and Natalia is stuck in a relationship she despises, that she avoids in the countryside at every opportunity. Even Eudoria Holmes decides to teach the young woman skills that she hadn't dared to before. Everyone except her parents seem to see the fear building in her bones, shining in her eyes.
And Natalia's heart resurfaces feelings that she has long pushed away. The rage that she once held against Sherlock comes rushing back. The anger and the hurt becomes blame. Blame for what she is being forced into. Blame for what she has been forced to become. Blame for what she has been through.
She decides to avoid Gerald at all costs. She decides to stop acting like the girl her parents want her to be. She decides to snark and speak her mind at every opportunity. She decides that she will take her fate in own hands if she must. She decides that she will be brave.
Natalia Rhodes swiftly discovers that she was not the only one acting in this agreement. That Gerald Crowell is an actor himself. That he has plans that make her sick to her stomach. That he treats her the same and worse every time she puts her foot across the line that's been drawn.
She decides that she must stand up for herself, even if her knees are barely holding her up. Even if she's dangerously close to breaking. Even though she's absolutely terrified.
Even after all this time, she still yearns for the man that she finds herself blaming for this pain.
And even after all this time, she finds that maybe she can not truly hold these things against him.