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You trust them so much.
I've watched you give them your everything. If I had to define undying loyalty, I would tell them to look at how you sacrifice so much for your friends, asking for (and receiving) nothing in return. I know you’d disagree. You’d point to Morgana’s nagging of your sleep schedule, the way Sakamoto takes you out to work out together, and the way Ann gives you a shoulder to cry on. You’ve told me how Yusuke’s artistry always brings a smile to your face, that Nijima has offered you tutoring you don’t need, and that Okumura created a small paradise on Shujin’s roof.
But you’re wrong.
I take for a living. As the Detective Prince, I took fans’ love to elevate my own status. As Crow I stole the Phantom Thieves plans. And you know how much I've taken as the Black Mask. While I can’t help but criticize the Phantom Thieves for taking so much from you without a single thing in return, the fact remains that I am far from innocent; in fact, I’ve taken so much from you, more than all of the Phantom Thieves combined.
Your time, spent at a dimly covered table at Jazz Jin.
Your laughter, as you challenge me to another round of darts.
Your smile, as you make a smart quip when I walk into Leblanc.
Your life, in a cold gray room far too bleak to witness the end of a life as bright as yours.
Normally, one would apologize here, wouldn’t they? But I won't. You and I both know that it wouldn’t be sincere.
Taking is the only thing I know how to do. Maybe it was my fate as his son, or maybe it was the consequence of the decisions that I made to reach my goal. Either way, it’s the reason I know that you give so much, because I’ve taken so much from you. If only I could’ve tempered the emotions swirling darkly in me, could I have been like you?
I hate that you’ve made me question myself, question everything I’ve been working on for far longer than anyone else knows. I’m sure you’ve pieced together my tragic story, between your endless questions and your adoptive sister’s unnerving skills. But none of that will change who I am and what I decided to do. As much as you believe that there’s a better future, that I can walk on that theoretical sunlit path with you, I can’t.
Though no one else will, I refuse to take any more from you.
There are other reasons of course, ones that I could drawl on about for hours. About how I've never really had control over my own life or make my own decisions. That every single thing that happened could have been prevented if only I hadn't been forced into this life, if I had been given the chance to do anything else. But I don’t need to tell you that. Not you.
And that’s why I know you know I can’t - no I won’t stay. I refuse to be a pawn in Maruki’s game (and I know that you do too). You’re just scared because despite all logic, the only reason I got to stand beside you these last few months was because of your own desire. We both know how dangerous desire can be. We’ve seen it warp people, and I’ve used it as a tool more times than I’d like to admit to take lives. (I should have, no I did, die in Shido's castle. I still can't believe that out of everything in the world, what you desired most was me)
I won’t use it against you. I won’t let it be used against you.
Outside, the sky is the perfect shade of blue, and even Yusuke couldn’t paint clouds more perfect than the wispy bits of cotton decorating its surface. I’m certain that this will be my last time looking at it. Despite its perfection, I want to vomit. I refuse to let Maruki paint over this world with his self declared perfection. I won’t be the reason you don’t act. I know that you want it - this perfect sky, your friends in front of you, and most of all, me by your side. I know once we rip away this so called perfect reality, I will destroy a part of you as well. But would you truly be happy? With friends that have abandoned their morals and self-imposed duty? Would it truly make you happy to watch everyone graduate, to attend university, to start jobs and families knowing that you denied them their free will?
Would you be happy growing old with a lie personified as my flesh by your side?
Maybe this is just my elaborate, selfish excuse to take from you one last time. I would love to grant you the mercy of time. But time is something we don’t have. If we had time, I'm sure you could come up with one of your ridiculous plans where we all end up alive and maybe not happy, but content.
That’s why for one last time, I'm going to take from you Akira. I’m taking myself away from you, along with this perfect reality. I hope you’ll forgive me.
Funny enough, I would have been interested to see what it would be like to just be a student by your side. In a different world, do you think we're happy? I like to think that we attend university together, and that I watch as your circle of harpies flock to your side. On the weekends, we'd stop by Leblanc to visit Boss and your sister, and joke about the time you spent in the cafe's dusty attic. At night, we'd return home to our apartment together. No Metaverse to observe, no supernatural fights, no concerns about the inherent evils in the world. We'd be allowed to be teenagers, and you wouldn't have the responsibility of the world on your shoulders.
Maybe with enough time, I could've learned to be more like you. But I've made my choice, and as much as you disagreed, and likely disagree, I wouldn’t change a thing.
After all, it’s the reason that we met, isn’t it?
While I swear to take your desire from you, for the first time in a long time, I wanted to give too. You are a prisoner to yourself because what you fail to see is the truth everyone else sees. Before you, I had nothing else but my need for revenge. You changed me in ways that even I lack the words to describe. If I were a simper person, maybe I'd describe you as the light, the sun that brought the shriveled sense of self within me back to life. That you are my Orpheus, but that you would never make the mistake of looking back. But even that fails to even begin to describe you. So instead, I’ll leave by giving you a different sentiment.
There has only been one person in my life I've given my love to, and she died along with all the opportunities my future might’ve had. I was convinced that it was something I'd never feel, let alone give, again. Even the word on my tongue, written by my hand, feels foreign. Maybe the truth is that I fail to truly understand its meaning.
But if there is anyone in this world I would have liked to give my love to, it’s you Akira. If I could, if it would change your life, I would rip out my heart and use it to show my conviction. But this isn’t a fantasy. We need to face reality.
I hope tomorrow, you’ll willingly face it with me.