Chapter Text
Neil quietly asks, “Are there any letters for me today?”
The nurse looks at him with sympathy as she shakes her head. “I'm sorry Neil,” she says quietly. “Maybe your letters got lost in the mail?”
Neil shrugs and quietly says, “I don't think so… I've been sending out a few every couple days and I've been here for a few weeks. Thanks anyway Nancy, just… just let me know if any come in.”
He trudges back to a couch and just curls up on it, staring off into space. Ever since he got here to the mental unit of the hospital, they've been drugging him up so much that feelings are kinda just numbed out right now.
He can't decide what's worse, the numbing effects of the drugs or knowing that his friends don't want to talk to him. If he'd known just how much the suicide attempt would ruin his life, we'll, he would've tried harder to succeed.
What he wouldn't give to be back in Keating's class or back as Puck on stage. Or just to be back in the cave with the Poets. Or… or to be back in his dorm room with Todd.
The absence of letters from Todd honestly hurt the most. Neil doesn't know exactly what drew him so immediately to Todd and wanting to be close to him, but he does know how he feels about him now. He sent something about that in his first letter to Todd and he's realizing that that might be what made Todd not write back. He's disgusted with Neil, that must be it. The other Poets likely found that out too or they are ashamed of him for trying to take his own life. Either way, the absence of any kind of response from anyone clearly means that Neil has lost all of his friends.
He feels tears build up in the corners of his eyes, despite how numb he feels. He can't fully turn off the agony of being left behind while he's at his lowest point.
“Neil,” Nurse Adelaide says gently as she walks up to him. “Your parents are here to see you. Would you like to see them?”
Neil looks up and wipes at his eyes and quietly says, “Just her. Not him.”
Adelaide frowns and says softly, “They are both your parents Neil-”
“If I don't have to see him,” Neil says numbly. “I don't want to see him.”
Adelaide nods, coming back in a few minutes later with Mrs. Perry, who immediately hugs Neil and presses kisses all over his cheeks as he sits numbly in her arms.
“How are you sweetie?” She coos at him. “My sweet boy, you look tired, you need to get some more sleep.”
“I need to go back to Welton,” Neil mumbles. “I want to be back there, I want to talk to people out of here.”
“Oh sweetie,” she says softly, patting his cheek. “Welton obviously was not good for you, with the incident, we can't bring you back there. Your father had made that clear to Mr. Nolan.”
“What'd he tell Mr. Nolan to tell everyone?” Neil asks quietly. “Mother, I want to go back there please.”
She waves her hand and says, “Some sort of bureaucratic nonsense I'm sure sweetheart, I try to avoid that whenever I can. I have no intention of finding out what he told Mr. Nolan to say, I'm sure all was handled discretely.”
Neil sighs and says, “Mother, you shouldn't just rely on him to do things in good faith, you should be able to know-”
She waves her hand and says, “Oh honey, I have no desire to even think about that academy, I’m convinced they changed you there, away from my sweet obedient boy. Those friends of yours aren't worth anything.”
Neil bristles at that and then he quietly says, “I'm tired Mother, you should go so I can sleep.”
She fusses over him a bit before he repeats himself and she reluctantly leaves. Neil curls back up on the couch and feels the sting of tears in his eyes again.
…
His parents take him out of the hospital against the doctor's recommendation only days later after Neil started refusing to see either one of them. It's suffocating when they get home, because they've hired some staff to be able to constantly have eyes on him. And he can't prevent his father from talking to him.
He loathes his father more now than he ever has before. There's no excuse for him anymore, no way Neil can defend him anymore.
Neil has resorted to not speaking with his father anymore. He has nothing to say to him. He's lost everything that meant anything to him in life. And it's all his father's fault.
He's lost acting, not that he had it for very long. He's lost his friends, and that one really hurt. He's lost any affection he had for his parents, but that one's been a long time coming. He's lost his will to live, but he thinks that one might be the one he can get back.
…
He's been hiding things in the bathroom, just the bare essentials he'll need to run off. It's the only place he can go without someone watching him. It's the only place he can disappear into for a while before someone realizes he's missing. It's his only chance for freedom, he's heard his father talking on the phone. He's meant to go off to military school in just a couple days. He has to go now.
He closes the door and takes a deep breath before he switches the shower on. He grabs his stuff and quickly opens the window. He slides right through it and grabs hold of the tree outside and climbs down, landing on the ground with a soft thump, silently thanking his lucky stars that the snow had fully melted a few days ago. No tracks.
He glances wistfully in the direction of Welton, wishing he could at least say goodbye. He hadn't gotten that chance before his attempt and he wishes he could just explain to them what happened, to beg for his friends to want him around again. But he doesn't have time. He grabs his old rusty bike from the side of the house and takes off, not totally sure where he's going, but he knows he's not coming back.
“I've been waiting all my life,
To feel your heart as it's keeping time,
We'll do whatever just to stay alive.”
Stay Alive, José González