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Chapter Text

This is my first Chicago fire fanfiction story. I am a big fan of Jocelyn Hudon and I am so intrigued by her character Lizzie Novak’s backstory. There is definitely something traumatic gnawing on her mind because why else would she get so scared from getting serious with Dr. Frost? I wish we could see John reach out and be the one to whom she will open up and he will help her…Hence, this story was born. If you like it, please, let me know in the comments. ❤️

~♡~

The lights from the streetlamps flickered across the window glass as Lizzie sat on the couch, blanket loosely wrapped around her, a forgotten glass of wine in her hand as she stared at her slippered feet on the table. The muffled sound of television echoed through the room, but she paid no attention to it. Her eyesight was blurry, but she stubbornly held her tears back, absently flicking the channel as a lone box of Chinese take out offended her sight.

She angrily tossed the remote control on the couch, glaring at the take out box like it was its own fault she felt like total crap.

‘When it is actually my own doing’, she mused bitterly ‘My own fault’.

Her head pounded dully as the wine kicked in, as it always did when she drank on an empty stomach. But for the life of her, she could not make herself eat. Her stomach protested even when she was ordering food…because there were not two take outs anymore.

It was just one.

She pulled her legs to her chest, hugging her knees as memories flooded her mind.

Look, Lizzie, if you're not seeing any kind of future in this then I think that maybe it’s best we end it now before anyone gets hurt, you know.

The raw pain she saw flickering in his eyes made Lizzie swallow hard, absently lifting a wine glass to numb the pain…

Only to find it empty.

“Great”, she grumbled quietly, but made no movement to get up and refill… She was too lost in her own personal hell.

Think about what you want to do over the weekend. I am up for anything.

That was the moment the alarm went off, she could hear it blaring in her head as John left the stairway room with a soft, loving smile…and Lizzie felt like her legs betrayed her and cold sweat lingered on her forehead as she watched him leave.

No. I cannot get involved. I just cannot.

And she knew it was the right thing to do. John Frost was too good for her. She was broken. And being with him would break him too.

Then why does it hurt so much?!

Unbeknownst to her, tears that pooled on the edge of her eyes now rolled down her cheeks, her heart bleeding as she remembered how hurt he was as he confided to her about his parents…

It sounds like you speak from personal experience.

And she brushed it off. Brushed the moment off. Brushed his offer to listen and understand…comfort…maybe even…love…off.

Her face sank into her knees as her tears got the better of her and sob climbed up from her lungs, slowly crawling up her throat, threatening to burst any second now. 

Breathe.

She inhaled deeply. Exhaled slowly. One time. Two times. Three times.

Lifting her head, her eyes caught the photo frame at the nightstand.

A photo of her family. 

For a few moments, Lizzie just stared at the photo, some annoying commercial about detergent blasting from the TV. 

Her chest tightened, her eyesight getting even more blurry.

In the next moment she got up from the couch and walked quickly to her bedroom, leaving the TV on, an empty glass of wine and untouched Chinese take out forgotten on the table. On her way she flipped the photo frame with her fingers, sending it face down on the nightstand and slamming the door behind her, as if she was trying to escape the world. Escape reality. Escape feelings

Only, you cannot escape from yourself, Lizzie Novak.

Chapter Text

Violet glanced at the seat beside her as she stopped at the traffic light. Her brow slightly furrowed as she took in Lizzie’s unusual silence. 

They just intervened in a car accident, the crew from 51 cutting into the smashed car front to get to a driver. The minute he was out Violet did a medical check up while Lizzie and Hermann pulled out a frightened little boy from the backseat. The child's forehead was slightly cut and he cried as Lizzie tried to clean his wound as gently as she could. 

Violet pressed her lips together, remembering how Lizzie tried to comfort the little one who was scared out of his wits.

“I’m sorry, buddy, I know it hurts. But, look”, Lizzie reached inside the jumpbag and rummaged through it until she found a little box. Opening it, she took out a colourful band-aid with little dinosaurs and looked up, her smile soothing and warm as she picked up one piece "Do you like dinosaurs?”

The little boy nodded, his tears subsiding as his eyes focused on a small colourful band-aid.

“Yeah” he mumbled tearfully and as the nice lady gently brushed his hair away, he spoke quietly “I like the green one the best.”

Lizzie raised her eyebrows, her lips turning into a thoughtful line as she gave the band-aid an appraising look before she spoke in a practical tone of voice:

“Well, good, because I like the blue one better. So”, she took out another piece of band-aid from the box and offered it to a boy. As the child hesitated, his eyes curious as he looked up at her, Lizzie asked “How about you put this on my forehead and I will put this one on yours? What do you think?”, as the boy’s tiny fingers accepted the band-aid with a blue dinosaur and he nodded Lizzie smiled warmly as the child’s teary eyes looked up at her. She winked at him before pointing to the left side of her forehead. She stayed perfectly still, smiling softly as the little boy put the band-aid on her forehead and a small giggle escaped him when she let out a rather grumpy, but soft “Ouch.” 

The sound of the child's short chuckle made her eyes soften and opening the band-aid with green dinosaur she gently caressed the boy’s hair before asking “May I put it on you now?”, as the child nodded, blinking the rest of the tears away, Lizzie slowly pressed the small band-aid on the cut “There… all done”, she gave the band-aid another serious look before announcing “I must say that the green dinosaur is starting to grow on me”, as those words left her mouth a little boy leaned toward her, searching for comfort and Lizzie readily opened her arms, hugging the sweet little boy “Sssshhh, it’s alright. It’s over now.”

A little boy snuggled into her embrace and asked, his voice small and quiet:

“Is my Daddy okay?”

Lizzie looked up at Violet who was working alongside with Hermann and as her friend nodded with a small smile she turned to look back at the child in her arms:

“He’s going to be just fine. My friends are taking care of him. And you were so brave, I’m sure your Dad is going to be so proud of you”, as the little boy smiled and his little head rested on Lizzie’s shoulder, she smiled softly before pressing a gentle kiss on his temple “I’m Lizzie. And what’s your name, Dino-lover?”

The little boy rubbed his right eye and  quietly answered:

“John.”

As she waited for the green light to turn on Violet slightly bit her lower lip as she remembered how quiet it was from then on…all the way to the emergency, back to the station, writing the report and now on their way to Molly’s. Lizzie just stared in front of herself, not saying a word.

But, now when they were alone Violet thought to try and reach out to her friend. She glanced one more time at the traffic light before carefully asking:

“Everything alright?”

In her peripheral vision Violet could see how Lizzie flinched, startled and quickly put her mask of indifference on, plastering a smile as she replied:

“Yeah. All is super”, the siren of the car behind them hollered loudly as the green light turned on and she pointed out ‘It’s green.”

It was Violet’s turn now to flinch.

“Oh! Right”, she quickly changed the gear, muttering some swearwords at the idiot who was honking like a mad man behind them. As the vehicle moved she quickly glanced at Lizzie again and carefully spoke “If you want to talk about it…”

But before she could decently finish the sentence Lizzie forced a smile and hurriedly said:

“There’s nothing to talk about”, her eyes met Violet’s for a moment or two and her friend nodded.

Lizzie leaned into the seat, trying to erase the thoughts of that dear child in her arms and the way he waved to her as she left him with his Mum who just rushed into the waiting room, calling her son's name through tears and scooping the crying boy up in a big hug. 

‘Of all the names…’, her traitorous mind whispered, causing her to swallow hard before she snuggled deeper in the seat, trying to forget.

‘Perhaps I need a distraction. Someone to distract me.’

And as the lights of Molly’s showed up behind the corner Lizzie straightened her shoulders, her fingers putting a stray curl back behind her ear.

‘And this is just the right place to find that someone.’

Chapter Text

Stella wiped the bar counter with swift, sharp moves as she watched the desk where her colleagues were sitting. Her brow furrowed as she kept on wiping the counter until Kelly's voice interrupted her:

“You’ve been wiping that same spot for ten minutes now.”

Stella flinched, halting her hand before throwing the rag into the sink, not even bothering to wash it, just stared at it.

Kelly's eyes shone with concern as he leaned slightly across the bar.

“Hey”, he gently called her and as she snapped from her reverie he felt concern washing over him at the troubled look on Stella’s face "What's the matter?”

Stella looked up at him and took a deep breath in before glancing one more time at their colleagues' desk.

“Look at Novak”, as Kelly turned slightly and cast a glance at the paramedic smiling as she chatted with Vasquez, her index finger twirling around the curl of her hair as she smiled, he shrugged. Novak’s flirtatious behaviour was nothing new to him.

But, Stella leant over the counter and said:

“Now look at Violet.”

And he did.

And something was definitely off over there. Violet nursed her drink, keeping quiet, despondent even as Hermann and Mouch were bantering over something that sent the entire table into cracking jokes and laughing. He switched his gaze back to Novak and saw her palm moving to rest on Vasquez’ shoulder who actually looked a bit bashful at her closeness and was glancing at Violet who kept staring at her drink as if it was something special. Novak, on the other hand, did not look fazed at all.

A realization dawned on him and Kelly creased his eyebrows as he looked incredulously at Stella.

“Did something happen between Violet and Vasquez?”, at Stella's nod his furrow deepened “Why is Novak all over him then?!" 

“Beats me”, mumbled Stella. As she said that she noticed Novak getting up from her seat and heading toward them. Stella took her drink and added “I guess we’ll find out.”

Lizzie walked toward the bar, all smiles and energy as she stopped beside Kelly and gave his shoulder a friendly bump.

”The next round’s on me, Stella”, she said cheerfully and took a few peanuts, nibbling on them as she watched Stella nod and prepare the drinks.

“Any particular reason for that?”, Kelly asked as nonchalantly as he could.

Stella peeked at Novak under her eyelashes as she poured drinks to assess her reaction.

But the paramedic remained her cheerful self. 

“No reason. Vasquez even wanted to give me the talk that ladies do not have to pay when he’s around, but I can pay my drinks”, she reached into her pocket and Stella quickly met Kelly’s glance as she spoke:

“You two seem chummy.”

Novak quickly looked up, a second of something like panic crossing over her face, but she quickly masked it with a dazzling smile.

“We’re just casual. Nothing serious”, she handed the banknotes over to Stella who nodded, trying to keep her face neutral as she asked:

“Does Violet know that?”

Lizzie’s eyebrows creased in confusion.

“Why would Violet have to know about that?”

Stella took a step back, her ire growing as she could not believe her ears.

“Why?!”, she echoed, trying to restrain herself “Honestly, you ask that?!”

Lizzie shook her head, her own brow furrowing in confusion at Stella’s reaction. 

“I don’t see what’s the big deal", she replied, not realizing that it only bothered Stella more.

Her friend let out a breath of disbelief.

“I never took you for someone who would take a man from her friend just for a hook up, Novak! Maybe I oughta look out for Kelly too?!”, she snapped, causing Kelly to nearly choke on his beer and Novak to have a nerve to look at her like she just grew two more heads.

Lizzie let out a short laugh of shock and disbelief, putting her palms up as if to stop Stella’s foolish ramblings.

“Why would I do that? You and Kelly are together.”

“And so are Violet and Vasquez!”, Stella bit out.

For a second time appeared to stand still. Kelly watched as Lizzie’s mouth opened then snapped shut as disbelief flashed in her eyes.

“No, they aren’t”, she mumbled, not sounding certain to herself, let alone to others “Violet would have told me.”

Stella raised her eyebrows.

“Did you ask her?”

“Of course I did!”, Lizzie shot back defensively looking from Stella to Kelly as she tried to rewind her brain to that talk in the locker room…

And Stella saw the moment her face changed.

Lizzie halted herself as the memory came back and she realized…

“Oh God!”, she gasped quietly as her eyes opened wide “I…I didn’t…I just said that he could be casual…like John was…”, her mind reeled as she realized what mess she created with her ignorance of Violet’s feelings.

Slowly, she looked over her shoulder at the desk…and saw Vasquez saying something to Violet but her friend shook her head, her face unreadable to others…

But Novak saw it.

Hurt. And pain.

She felt sick.

Nice work, Lizzie. You fucked up the one good constant thing in your life. She was there for you when you were falling apart and this is how you return the favour?!

Quickly, she strolled toward the desk and grabbed her jacket, mumbling something about needing to leave early and ignoring Violet’s and Mouch’s asking if everything was alright. Without another word she fled from the Molly’s.

That's right. Run away. That’s the only thing you are good at.

A voice that reminded her so badly of her past thrummed in her head, mocking her as she ran down the streets of Chicago, fighting tears.