Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter one.

Death is something you don’t even consider when you’re young.

It’s when your life is supposed to be beautiful like spring, and your friends are supposed to grow up with you. 

But not everyone is so lucky. Not Na baekjin. 

And also not Park humin.

Because how could he imagine that he would be standing in front of his best friend's grave at nineteen years old? And how could he get over this when he didn’t even get the chance to spend the last moments by his side?

I left him there. 

That single line repeats in his head and makes him fall deeper and deeper into the pain. Because if Humin didn’t leave Baekjin there, if he had tried to save their friendship a little harder. Maybe Baekjin would be alive.

As he should be. 

He should be studying like the nerd he used to be. He should’ve experienced love. He should’ve grew up enough to find love and a family. Now all of that all of that is impossible. How could Baku live with the image of Baekjin frozen on his mind? How could he grow up knowing that Baekjin is not growing with him anymore?

Is this really his destiny? if destiny even exists, Humin wants to scream and cry while asking the universe…

Why?

Why Baekjin? He was lonely, he never had anything, and when he had something, it was taken away from him, so why? Why did destiny have to take his life too?

I left him too. I left him there.

Humin doesn’t even know how many people have been here to present their condolences. None of them are sincere. No one is really sad, no one is really hurt by Baekjin’s death.

Even that bastard Geum Seongje didn’t appear, Humin thought at least him of all people would care, but it seems like he doesn’t. Even if he was his loyal dog in life, he disappeared like everyone else in death. 

He was alone.

And i left him there.

Humin’s friends cried, they cried because they were sad for him, not for Baekjin.

His lackeys didn’t cry, they just came like it was for compromise, because that was what’s expected of them. 

None of them cried.

That was the proof of how lonely his friend truly was. He suspected it, but seeing it with his own eyes and in a situation with no turning back, destroyed his already broken heart.

He was exhausted, drained, he can’t stop crying and he felt helpless because he couldn't do anything. Not anymore.

And then…he heard a laugh.

Soft, a breathy laugh.

The situation was already his own personal Hell. He couldn't accept the fact that the guys from the union didn’t feel affection for Baekjin, he was just their boss after all. He could accept every fake condolence. But, not a fucking laugh. 

He turned back to face the person, Seongmok was his name if he remembers right. Baku looked straight at his eyes, his own eyes red from crying, wide with fury. pure fury. He didn’t even say anything for a moment, he just stared at him as if he was analyzing if this was his imagination or if this guy really just dared to laugh here.

It was unacceptable.

He was smiling, smiling at the funeral of one of the friends he loved the most. That made Baku realize that these were the kind of people who were near Baekjin in his last days. He was that alone, and….. he left him. 

The fury he felt on his chest when he threw the first punch to Seongmok’s face wasn’t even really for the guy, it was for him. All the hate he feels for himself came out in that punch. Because all of this is his fault, if he hadn’t taught him how to fight, if he hadn’t let him join the union, if he hadn’t left him alone that day under the rain. He had so many regrets, so many things he should and shouldn't have done. It haunts him.

“What’s so funny? Is this funny for you? Is this funny for you?!” No one can stop him. No one can get him to think clearly when he’s lost deep inside his own burning rage.

He kept punching him, the blood already painting his knuckles red. Dongha kicked his side when he saw his friend was in disadvantage, but he barely even registered the pain when he fell down. He stood up and grabbed Dongha’s neck instead, making the guy collide against the wall with a hard slam. He doesn’t care about anything, he should die. They should die too if death is so funny for them.

“Baku! stop! It’s enough already!” Gotak cursed and ran to try to make him let go of the iron grip he had on the guy but it was useless. 

Baku is stronger than him. He’s stronger than everyone else in here. And he knows that the alpha is not hearing anything right now.

Juntae and Sieun entered the funeral home area when they heard the commotion. Gotak quickly asked them to look for Suho, who was probably at the cafe. 

“Guys, Sieun! Call Suho, now!” Both Juntae and Sieun immediately left to look for the alpha. Luckily Suho was already on his way back when he saw his boyfriend and Juntae, noticing that something was wrong.

“Hey, what happen—“ Suho begins to speaks but Sieun interrupts him, out of breath from running for help. 

“It’s baku, please go now.” Sieun begs him, desperate to get someone to stop his friend from causing any more damage. 

He didn’t even ask any questions, he immediately ran inside the funeral home and saw Gotak struggling to stop their friend. He let out a  curse and quickly helped him to finally get Baku away from Dongha, whose face was already blooming purple. They had to put all their strength to keep him in place until he finally stopped. He was breathing hard, agitated from the fight. His fury was then replaced with tears of complete helplessness . 

“They were laughing, Gogo...” Baku chokes out. Gotak's stomach dropped at his best friend’s words. He looked at the guys growling with rage. 

“Leave unless you wanna receive another beating, you heartless bastards.”

Suho clenched his fingers around Humin’s shoulder, a poor attempt at comfort. He asked him softly to go outside to take a break. Baku really pushed himself hard these days. He hasn’t even left this place since the first day. He didn’t even leave once to sleep, stating that he couldn’t leave Baekjin alone.

“Hyung, come on. You need some air and at least a snack, you haven't eaten anything today.” Thank God Baku finally nodded and let the younger alpha technically drag him outside. He doesn’t even know if he’s walking or not, he’s like a ghost right now, feeling nothing and yet too much at the same time.

They sat outside. Gotak left to look for Sieun and Juntae, who were fixing the mess the fight left. Leaving him alone with Suho, the silence was so heavy. Humin looked up from his bloody hands, his eyes caught the sights in front of them, not to anything in particular. The cars passing, the people walking around, life going on around them. 

Like nothing happened.

Baku is not the kind of person who talks about his feelings. You would never catch him looking sad or crying. And if you do, that’s how you know the situation is not good at all. He covers his pain with a smile because he doesn’t want to be a burden, because he doesn’t want his friends to worry about him. He likes to protect, he was made to comfort, not to receive it.

He knows Suho is kinda similar, the guy, even being a little younger than him, has had a hard life. He never let his facade fall, he always wanted to look strong, mostly for Sieun and his Grandma. They’re kinda similar. That’s why for the first time, Baku lets his thoughts leave his mind and out his mouth. Maybe Suho could help him fix this mess.

“Suho…do you think he blames me?” 

Suho sighed, looking at some random part of the  street too. It’s a hard question, he can’t just say ‘it’s not your fault’. That wouldn’t make Baku feel otherwise, it’s not like he would magically feel better from the sound of those words. So, Suho really thought about it and after a moment of silence he finally responded.

“I think Baekjin accepted the destiny his actions brought to him. Even with how tragic it was. He probably didn’t blame anyone but himself.” Suho responds honestly.

“I don’t think it’s your fault hyung…really.”

Humin nodded slowly and turned to look back at the street, sighing shakily.

He hoped that over time he would be able to think the same thing, but the hole in his heart since his friend died was eating him alive. It was growing bigger and bigger every time leaving him empty. He doesn’t want to live. He shouldn’t have lived when Baekjin couldn’t. He doesn’t get to be happy when Baekjin never had the chance either. He doesn’t get to find love and companionship when he didn’t give that to Baekjin on his last days. 

The sound of the door opening makes them turn to look at Juntae.

“Humin-ah, they’re serving soup, come eat with us, hm?” Juntae stands in the door and asks him softly. He wants to say no. But the worry in the omega’s eyes made him nod slightly. His friends are really worried about him, taking care of him so he doesn’t fall to the abyss.

Something Baekjin didn’t have.

He has friends, company. Baekjin didn’t. Because the only friend he had was Humin. 

But, he left him too.

• He thinks about it all the way to were his friends were waiting for him inside. How Baekjin should’ve been this taken care of too.

When Humin sat down between Suho and Gotak, in front of sieun and Juntae and took the first bite of food, he wondered if the rest of his life would be like this now. If everything he does will make him feel guilty because Baekjin’s phantom ghost will be there, reminding him he never had the chance to live. 

“You know what’s weird? Not to see Seongje here.” Gotak says with his mouth full. 

“That bastard followed Baekjin every day like a dog and didn’t even show his face now, that’s really…tch. What an asshole.” Gotak tsks.

“We don’t know…he could show up tomorrow. there’s one day left.” Juntae murmured, opening his soda.

“Still. He should’ve come on the first day. Don’t you think? Humin’s been here for three days now.” 

“Do you think…something could’ve happen to him?” Suho asked and Gotak almost snorted at that.

“What could’ve happened to him to not appear for all this time? He's just a heartless bastard. I know him.” Baku nodded in silence, agreeing with Gotak’s words.

When they finished the food, they finally convinced Baku to go home and sleep, he entered his house feeling too drained to even cry. He just fell asleep on the couch. This was really taking a toll on him. It’s Hell. A real Hell..

(…)

Sadness is not always loud. Some people cry, some people scream.

Seongje wonders what kind of sadness he’s feeling right now.

He doesn’t feel like crying. He doesn’t want to scream. He doesn’t even want to fight anymore.

He’s empty, totally empty.

Deep in his heart…he can tell his feelings are waiting to explode. But he can’t reach them right now no matter how much he tries.

The only sound in his place is the drops of water in the bathroom. He doesn’t pay too much attention, maybe he didn’t even turn it all the way off, he doesn’t even remember.

He can’t even tell how many times he has been there sitting on the ground with his back against the wall, looking straight to the jacket Baekjin left here in his last night sleeping with him.

The last thing Baekjin left….and he’s not coming back.

Seongje can’t tell what he's feeling, but if he could say it was something, it would be helplessness.

He’s helpless because the first time he got with someone he thought they would be with him forever. He lost it all. And he couldn’t do anything about it.

Why?

He’s empty inside again while others get to live the life he’s always longed for. Because ‘that’s destiny’. He has to accept he will never live how he wants and he just has to accept that his life will be miserable and lonely, because there’s no next life. That’s just a sad excuse to make miserable people like him feel better. He knows that.

Seongje also feels pathetic for thinking he could be happy, that he could have love and companionship.

But he promised, and he, like a dumb, believed in him.

Because it was so real. 

He made it look real.

A relationship…a family.

Nothing felt unreasonable if Baekjin said it.

Seongje felt another wave of pain and he curled in on himself, falling to the ground. It started when he left. He tried many times to stand up and go to see him…..to say goodbye. But, his body is so weak it won’t even allow him to walk.

“Ah-h-mm” He let out a pained groan, squirming until the pain finally subsided. But, there’s something creeping upon him after every wave of pain.

He’s feeling his inner wolf less and less every time. 

“I know you’re still there…please…let–ahg–let me at least say goodbye to him” He begs, choking out his words shakily. He tried to stand up weakly. Everything goes black for a moment, and he doesn’t even remember the last time he ate or drank anything. He doesn’t care. It’s not like he wants to live anymore.

He has to die soon to be with him.

He takes his old suit, the one Baekjin brought for

him on his graduation day. He puts it on, uncaring of his looks, but he at least has to show his respect. Baekjin was a perfectionist, he would be mad if Seongje didn't use the suit to see him.

He walked outside his place feeling like every step was automatic, having no control of his body. He knows where the funeral hall is since the guys from the union messaged him. The first day he couldn’t even stand, the second day the pain was terrible too, he hadn’t been able to walk until now, and he feels like his life is being slowly drained from his body.

He ended up taking a taxi, and when he arrived at the place, he used all the energy he had to enter, even though it wasn’t a lot. 

When he sees his photo in the middle of those flowers…… the cold reality sinks in.

The hall is empty right now because it’s so early. 

Seongje fell to his knees in front of the grave, looking at the picture and finally feeling the tears wet his cheeks.

“Baekjinie…this is why you said…this is why you asked me to live if something happens to you…you knew…” He sobs helplessly, hitting the ground with his hand. He doesn’t even feel pain on his knuckles. “But I told you I couldn't live without you, so why?” 

“If you would say something, if you knew you were in danger, you should’ve told me. We could’ve escaped, I could have saved you. Why did you have to chase Park Humin until the end when you had me? Why?!” His voice is trembling, it doesn’t even sound angry, it sounds more like a pained whine.

“I can’t live without you, I’m sorry. I have to go with you–ah–i can’t.” Another wave of pain hits him and makes him struggle, crying as he holds his low stomach. 

The scene was heartbreaking. Seongje used all the energy he had left to get close and press his forehead against the coffin, needing to feel him close for the last time. But he can’t feel him, and that destroys him completely.

He stayed there in silence for a long time, and then he murmured low, just for him and Baekjin to hear.

“You…you knew…right? You left your jacket with your scent on it on purpose.” 

“Did you think that would be enough? I—I don’t want that shit, I want you. Not some stupid jacket.”

“So you have to let me go with you, y–you can be mad at me.”

“I never promised you i was going to live without you. You have to accept me wherever the hell you are.”

“You were dumb anyways, you knew this useless body would never get over losing you. I thought you were smart Baekjinie. You always were smarter than me.”

“With all the time it took me to make you love me…you just leave me like that.” 

The memories are hitting him without mercy.

All his first times.

All his last times.

Everything in his life revolves around Baekjin. Because he was the first person to ever show Seongje love. 

He remembers that day too well. The first ‘i love you.’

When they had a fight and Seongje left the union two years ago, He disappeared from everywhere, because he knew no one was gonna be worried about him anyways. He walked like a ghost for hours, even when it started to rain, he didn’t care, it’s not like Seongje ever had a good sense of self preservation. And if the only person he thought cared about him doesn’t, why should he? He should just die here.

He has always been dependent on Baekjin. 

But Baekjin doesn’t care about him, right? He doesn’t–

His depressing thoughts were interrupted with a rough push. He heard the sound of a car stopping aggressively and he felt his body colliding with the ground and a heavy body on top of him.

“Are you insane?! You almost got yourself killed!” Baekjin grabbed his shoulders and shook him. Seongje looked at him trying to not show any emotion, but his lips were trembling from the cold and he was soaked, his eyes rimmed red from crying.

“So what? It's not like you care!” He said and Baekjin tightened the grip on his shoulders.

“I don’t care?! Do you have an idea of how long I have been out looking for you?!”

“Why?! You don’t care, you told me! You said you’re alone and you don’t need anyone!” he tried to push him away but the alpha didn’t let go.

“I lied! fine?! I love you!”

He would do anything to go back to that day. To their first kiss shared under the pouring rain.

Seongje didn’t even notice how much time had passed. He doesn’t notice the guys from the union arriving. Although, none of them even dared to enter when they saw the scene unfold. They were too shocked at the sight. Or maybe still scared of Seongje even in this…sick state. 

No, he’s not just sick.

He’s…

“What’s happening here?”

Baku and his friends look towards the group of people in the corridor. He immediately pushed them away to see what the fuck has happened. His eyes landed on Seongje, and his first feeling was rage. How dare he come just on the last day? This bastard had some nerve. Then, suddenly he was stopped before he even moved to reach him.

“He’s his omega,” His friend tells him, looking at Seongje as if he saw a ghost instead of a person.

“What?” Baku asks shakily, in pure disbelief.

“Humin, Baekjin marked Seongje.”