Work Text:
Konzen was finding it harder than usual to concentrate. Not because of the mind-numbing boredom, or the inane ambrosia-cooler chit-chat, but because Kanzeon Bosatsu was draped across his desk, shining white silk riding dangerously high up one glorious thigh.
"Do you mind?" he snapped as Se twirled his favourite stamp between Hir fingers. "Some of us have actual divine functions to perform! You have actual divine functions to perform!"
"You're the one who sent the invitation, nephew," Kanzeon purred, pulling the handmade card from Hir bosom.
Konzen's eyes widened in shock.
"Goku!" he yelled. "Stay out of my office supplies!"
* * *
"Gimme dating advice," Gojyo whined.
"Be a gentleman," Hakkai said. Gojyo winced. "Don't indulge in one-night stands." Gojyo looked incredulous. "Don't pursue Sanzo." Gojyo sagged all over.
"Advice on getting into his toga, man!"
"They're Buddhist monastic robes - never mind. Have you considered getting him incredibly drunk and taking advantage?"
"He might kill me the next morning."
"He'd definitely kill you. I wouldn't have to listen to your moping."
"Shit," Gojyo said, "that's cold."
"What's cold?" Sanzo said, coming back from the showers, wearing only a small towel, which Gojyo felt unfair. And scenic.
He'd somehow melt Sanzo's ice-cold loins.
* * *
"How did we get roped into this?" Ukoku muttered as the parade of repulsive small children twirled and danced before them.
"Aren't they darling!" Koumyou cooed, clasping his hands together. No doubt he thought attending kindergartners' Valentine's Day celebrations was good community relations or something. Ukoku hated communities.
"Thank you to the Revered Sanzos-sama!" the teacher said, presenting Koumyou with a bouquet of roses.
"Tee-hee, how romantic!" he giggled. "Of course, children, monks are celib-"
"Be my Valentine!" Ukoku said, grabbing him and planting a sloppy kiss.
Utter silence.
"Just getting in the spirit of the day," Ukoku said smugly.
* * *
"Did you enjoy your day?" Koumyou said.
Kouryuu seemed more outraged than usual so he suspected the answer was no.
"A little girl kissed my cheek!"
Kouryuu clenched his fists, his little face awash with sheer horror. Koumyou bit his lip to prevent laughter.
"Oh, dear."
"Don't make me go to school in town, Master, please!"
"I thought it might be interesting."
"We made cards," Kouryuu said, less furious now. "For people we love." He held his creation out.
"For me? May the Buddha and all Bodhisattvas bless you on Valentine's Day - thank you!"
A smile bloomed on Kouryuu's face.
* * *
"That ideal woman of yours," Gojyo said.
"Mmm? Oh, yes. Kind, sensible -"
"Good, child-bearing hips."
"Don't talk about my hypothetical wife's hips, Gojyo."
Gojyo grinned then dropped a cigarette; his fingers weren't so nimble no more. Hakkai picked it off the ground and handed it over.
"Still letting me around your pretty daughters?"
"If you behave."
Gojyo saw for a moment the dark hair and lithe form. Hakkai looked just as good with grey hair, stooped with arthritis.
"Guess I'll stick around," he said. "Till you find that woman."
"There's no hurry," Hakkai said, putting an arm about his waist.
* * *
"Shit, that was difficult," Kenren said, collapsing on his back. The squamous monstrosity wasn't very comfortable, but it was at least above sea level.
"I object to being sent to suppress the Great Old Ones," Tenpou said, flopping down beside him. "It seems like someone Up There is out to get us."
"What do we do with this asshole?" Kenren said.
"Drag him back down to Sunken R'lyeh?" Tenpou said. "Want to make it a date?"
"I hear the abyss is very romantic this time of millennium."
They each grabbed a tentacle and dived.
R'lyeh never knew what hit it.
* * *
It was the perfect day.
Gonou slipped from bed early and returned with breakfast on a tray for them both to eat propped up against the pillows. Kanan tickled his nose with one of the flowers he had pulled from the garden and - well, he was only a few minutes late to work.
Dinner was completely rose-coloured. Gonou privately felt that perhaps Kanan had used a little too much food colouring, but the noodles tasted fine, even if they looked a bit like worms.
Dessert was sweet cake and back to bed.
All the coming years would be even better.
* * *
From the hand of the High Priest Jikaku, to Goudai-Sanzo: First place in a swingers' competition? Really?
From Goudai-Sanzo to Jikaku: Ask Houmei Koumyou.
From the hand of the High Priest Jikaku, to Tenkai-Sanzo: I expected better of you. Can't you control them?
From Tenkai-Sanzo to Jikaku: I saw it coming, but thought it was a fever dream. Don't blame Kou-san!
From the hand of the High Priest Jikaku, to Koumyou-Sanzo: Explain yourself, you disgrace!
From Koumyou to Jikaku: I thought the club's Valentine's Mr & Mrs competition was discriminatory! I just asked if we could enter!
PS: What's a throuple?
* * *
His master had been so nice all day! They'd gone for a lovely walk, and had lunch in a nice cafe and his master hadn't grumbled about him having hot chocolate and dessert and even bought him more chocolates afterwards.
"Is it a special day, Master?" he asked as they walked around looking at the silly things that people bought.
"It's a western festival, kiddo. In honour of people the giver likes."
His master gave him a weird smile and petted his hair, which was getting long again.
"I like you, Master."
"I know, kiddo," his master sighed. "I know."
* * *
Sharak stumbled into her private rooms, yawning. She threw herself onto her bed and immediately leapt up, ready to kill.
"Oof," the intruder said. "You're eager."
The light from the Kouten was matched by the shining light now emanating from her visitor.
"Surprise!" Kanzeon Bosatsu said.
"Out!"
"What? I set up a romantic moment, I strew your bed with an infinity of rose petals -"
Oh shit. Se had. They were setting Sharak's allergies off something wicked.
"Cab we do dis domorrow?" she wheezed. Kanzeon waved a hand; the roses vanished.
"You're as bad as Konzen," Se pouted, and was gone.