Work Text:
It had been 2 months since Lorraine lost Ed.
During the first few days, people checked up on her.
That wasn’t the case anymore.
People tend to forget that grief lasts longer than a few days. The well wishes were nice but they only lasted about a week. Everyone expected her to be okay. After all, she still had Judy and her mom.
She was not okay. Of course she wasn’t okay.
She had lost the love of her life. Her lifeline, her soul, her air, and she couldn’t get over that in a week. Because the truth is, she will never get over it. There will always be a hole in her chest where Ed used to exist, and that hole will continue to ache. No amount of pain medicine could mask that feeling.
Father Gordon had been there for her during the first couple weeks. He had always thought of Ed and her as friends rather than colleagues. He brought dinner for them and he always had nice things to say about Ed. When he would come over, they would talk about Ed for hours. Well, he would talk about Ed for hours while Lorraine listened. She had so much to say but not enough strength to say it.
But after a while, even Father Gordon stopped coming. She hadn’t expected him to stay forever, but it still made the hole in her chest ache even more. While she was alone, the only thing she did was take care of Judy. She didn’t want Judy to know how sad she felt. Judy had always been a very empathetic person. Ed used to tell her it was one of her greatest qualities. If Judy knew how sad she was, she would take on the sadness of her mother, and that would completely destroy Lorraine.
After Father Gordon left, she knew it was time to move on.
Even without Ed, she still had her daughter that she had to live for after all.
She started clearing things out one by one. She cleared out their room that she hadn’t left in days. Throwing his trash away felt like reliving the moment when the beeping stopped. The moment when the floral ended and white began. She cleaned everything in his office. She even organized it because Ed had promised her he would organize it himself when they got back from their case.
Only that never happened.
It wasn’t long before Lorraine couldn’t take it anymore. With every piece of trash, every item of clothing, even the toothbrush by the sink, it felt like she was losing him all over again. And that was a pain that she was never meant to survive.
For the first time since he died, she let herself feel every emotion that she had.
She cried until she ran out of tears. She screamed until her throat was raw. She yelled at God for taking him away from her.
Deep down she knew it wasn’t God’s fault, but it is always easier to blame someone else.
After several hours, she had used up every single ounce of her energy. And when that happened, she felt helpless. Even though she felt helpless, she also felt kind of grateful. She always thought that being grateful was a feeling reserved for when she spent time with her family. But that was not the case. She felt an overwhelming amount of gratitude that she even got to meet Ed at all.
She felt both grateful, and devastated at the same time. She finally felt something. She was no longer suffocating.
She knew she had one thing left to go through, the closet.
She also knew that this would be the hardest part.
It had been a long time since he wore them, but his scent still lingered on his clothes. That was her air. Not the strong smell of antiseptic that remained in her nose after the hospital. As she went through every item, she found his softest shirt, the one that she used to wear to sleep. She felt as though she had to keep it.
The next item she found, left her with even more gratitude than she had felt before.
A small ruby red box wrapped with ribbon and lace.
She remembered this box. Ed had given it to her on their anniversary. They had just finished a long case and they were both so exhausted that she expected him to forget.
He didn’t.
Of course he didn’t. Ed never forgot anything that related to his wife.
When she came downstairs in the morning, her jaw dropped. The living room had completely transformed. A record was spinning and it began to play their favorite Elvis song. The one they danced to after Enfield where she almost lost Ed the first time. She only wished she could do a celebratory dance with him right now. They drank her favorite tea while singing on the couch. Ed put too much sugar in it, as always. And she drank it anyway, as always. Then he handed her a small ruby red box wrapped with ribbon and lace. This was not ordinary ribbon and lace, but rather fragments of her dress from the night that made her life complete.
Her wedding.
She blinked back tears as she opened the box, but they still fell. She could not believe how much thought Ed had put into this. Inside the box were letters that he had written to her during different occasions. Their wedding, their first case, the day Judy was born. All of them came straight from his beautiful heart.
As she opened the box in the closet. It was like he was right there with her. She read the letters one by one.
My Dearest Lorraine,
We are getting married today. A dream that I thought would have never come true. How did I, Edward Warren, become blessed with such a beautiful woman. Your beauty and grace will always leave me speechless. I know I have told you this many times, but I love you. Not in a “I love all of God’s people” kind of way but in a “You are the most wonderful person on this Earth” kind of way. I hope that my love is something that you can always count on. I know that we put our lives on the line to help people we don’t even know, but as long as I am doing it with you, I would choose this life again and again. In every universe, in every lifetime, I would choose you Lorraine Moran Warren. You are my soul, my purpose, my air.
Love,
Ed
As she read the letter, tears fell down her face. There would always be more tears for Ed. He was her air and she was his air. She grabbed the second letter out of the box.
My dearest Lorraine,
I know that the demons in this case took a little piece of you, but you will always be whole in my eyes. Watching you put everything you have into helping these people, just reinforced the feeling I already have for you. I could not do any of this without you. I love you more than you can imagine. You have a tendency to sell yourself short on things, but I promise you that the things you do are incredible. I know that in our next case I will be just as captivated in watching you do what makes you special. I love you Lorraine Moran Warren. You are my soul, my purpose, my air.
Love,
Ed
She remembered that case, the one that made her realize the strength that this career would require. It also made her feel powerful, her visions finally had a purpose rather than being something for people to make fun of. High school had been hell, but Ed helped her through it. Of course he did, he helped her through everything.
She picked up the third letter in the box.
My dearest Lorraine,
Our miracle baby girl is finally here. She is so lucky to have you as her mother. I know that she will grow up to be just as strong and beautiful as you are. That day at the hospital, I was terrified. Not only of losing Judy, but of losing you. That would have been something I could never recover from. Because after all, you are my soul, my purpose, my air. I love you Lorraine Moran Warren. I love you and I love Judy more than you give me credit for. My love for you will never end and there is no one that I would rather have by my side to raise our beautiful daughter.
Love,
Ed
That one stuck with her. Judy had been still born, and that minute where she wasn’t breathing, was the longest minute of their lives. When she heard Judy cry, a sea of relief washed over her. She knew that they could take whatever the world had to throw at them. She picked up the 4th letter. This one hadn’t been in the box when she received it. She had put it in there several years ago after he slipped it under the door during the eight days that will haunt her forever.
My Dearest Lorraine,
I am going to admit something that I never thought I would, I'm scared. These past eight days without you have been the hardest days of my life. If you’re reading this, I want you to know that I'm not mad at you, I'm worried. Whatever you saw during Maurice’s exorcism, has clearly taken a toll on you. I am not asking you to come out for me, I am asking you to come out for yourself. I know that you are suffering behind that locked door and I really hope that you will come out soon. When you do come out, I will not pressure you to tell me anything. There is nothing in the world I want more right now than to hold you. You are my soul, my purpose, my air. I love you Lorraine Moran Warren.
Love,
Ed
This one was hard to read. Of course Lorraine remembered the eight days she had locked herself in their bedroom, however she had forgotten how badly she had scared him. She had locked herself in their room to process her vision. A vision where Ed died. A vision that was now a reality. That is why this letter hit her like a ton of bricks.
She noticed one more letter sticking out of the box. She could have sworn that there were four letters in it. She picked it up and began to read it.
My dearest Lorraine,
If you are reading this, it means that I am gone. I have so much to say but I am going to try and keep this as simple as possible. First things first, Lorraine Moran Warren I cannot stress this enough, do not blame yourself. I still blame myself from when you locked yourself in our room, and I never want you to feel that pain. I don’t know what happened but what I do know is that it had nothing to do with you. Second, please don’t let this take over your life. You have so much life left to live and I need you to live it to the fullest. You are the strongest person that I have ever met and I know that you can get through this. Third, Lorraine, I love you. I love Judy and I love you. When things get hard I want you to remember that. My love is something that you can always count on even if I'm not there to tell you. Make sure Judy knows too, if she is anything like her mother, she will need to hear it. Lorraine I want you to know that this isn’t goodbye forever. One day we will both be reunited with God in the kingdom of heaven. I hope that day is far, far away. Not because I don’t want to see you, believe me I want that more than anything, but because I don’t want your life to be shortened like mine was. Always remember that you are beautiful and strong, and wonderful. You are my soul, my purpose, my air. I love you Lorraine Moran Warren.
Love,
Ed
The only thing she had left of the love of her life was the dark black ink that had been seeping deeper and deeper into the paper. She wishes she was the paper. She wishes that her only purpose was to keep her husband's words safe. All of the letters touched her heart but this letter broke her in ways she didn’t know were possible. However this letter healed her in ways she didn’t know was possible. It felt like a warm hug from Ed that was never going to end. All of the letters and each and every one of their words began to fill the empty hole in her chest.
She put the letters back into the box wrapped with ribbon and lace and tucked it away in the closet. For the first time since he died, she felt content.
The ribbon on the box might have been frayed, but their love never would be.