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The waiting room smells of antiseptic and sterile sheets. Warm wishes he'd let Copp come wait with him, the limbo state he's been in is starting to get to him.
Around him, there are beeping machines and others waiting: to be seen, to be taken for testing, to be treated, to be discharged, and only a few waiting like him. Not relegated to the outside zone, not allowed closer.
Warm thinks about leaving. He's got a paper due in a few days and it's not like anyone will actually let him stay. But no one bothers him for so long that he dozes off, awoken by a nurse leaning over him like he's a little kid.
"Excuse me," the nurse says — he likes that she smiles at him sympathetically. "But your friend is awake now and asking for you."
Warm stumbles to his feet and it takes him a second before he realizes the nurse is calling him back.
"This way," she says standing near the nurses' station, gesturing deeper into the hospital. "Your friend was moved to a private room."
Warm follows her through the labyrinth of passages, the colorful lines beneath their feet splintering off as they lead to radiology or oncology. The smell of antiseptic doesn't fade, but it becomes quieter. He hears the moan of delirium in passing, but it fades.
The nurse doesn't pause even as she raises her hand to knock. She waits a scant second before opening the door — room 188 — and going inside.
"Hello," she calls in a gentle voice. "I have Mr. Kawi's friend with me."
Warm has seen Kawi in several states of distress recently, was himself distraught over the unconscious state he found Kawi in a few hours before, but this takes the cake.
He's hooked up to a couple of machines, he looks tired and wrung out. The only difference is that the frantic energy behind his eyes is gone. He has bags under his eyes but he looks relatively relaxed.
"Hey," Kawi says in a creaky, soft voice.
"Hello, Phi," Warm says, slipping his eyes to the side and taking in the three women who are in the room. He gestures a wai to the oldest first, the only one he hasn't seen before, who is standing beside Kawi. "Hello."
"I understand I have you to thank? You were coming by when you—"
"Mom," Kawi cuts her off.
Warm recognizes Kawi's sister and her girlfriend from the bar. They were apparently cuddled up on the couch, but now Dokrak is clutching her mother, looking like she only just wiped away her tears.
The older woman swallows hard. She looks so forlorn.
"Thank you for being such a good friend," she says.
Warm nods, not knowing what else to say, long since aware that Kawi isn't out as queer in any kind of sense, probably not even to himself. And they are friends, of a sort. Doesn't matter if Warm was checking up on a fuck buddy he hadn't heard from after several weeks of thrilling assignations. He may as well have just been part of the same squash cohort and wondering why Kawi hadn't been at the gym lately. It didn't matter, the result was the same.
"Of course," Warm replies, surprised by the emotion in his voice. "He'd do the same for me."
And has, like when Warm's parents came back to Thailand for two weeks and didn't have time for more than a cup of coffee. His dad had been on his phone the entire time, his mom constantly interrupting. He'd given up after an hour, tracked down Kawi and physically wore them both out.
Kawi's smile is a flicker.
"Mom, can you give us a minute?" He squeezes at his mother's hand, and she squeezes back before she steps toward the door.
When he starts to say his sister's name, Dokrak bends to kiss her brothers head. Meanwhile, her girlfriend, Pam, glares at Warm like he's some parasite she's intent on identifying.
"Who exactly are you?" Pam asks, rather rudely. Her girlfriend blanches and tugs on her arm muttering her name.
"Just a friend," Warm says with an artfully careless shrug.
"We'll be right outside," Dokrak says, smiling and bobbing half a wai at Warm as she drags Pam out the door.
Some of the tension leaves with them, but some of the warmth as well. Dokrak is a sweet and bubbly presence whom he's only met in passing so far. Pam has never spared him another glance that he's aware of. Outside is a pale glimmer of light, like the night is finally ending.
When he turns back to the bed, Kawi is watching him warily.
"I hear I have you to thank?" he asks, but he doesn't sound exactly grateful.
Warm sinks into a chair beside the bed and is relieved when Kawi takes his hand. He wants to make a quip, but seeing Kawi looking at him with that same old hangdog look is making him ache.
"What happened?" he asks, even though he knows the bare bones of it.
He'd gone into the empty house that he'd only been in once before, easily finding the way to Kawi's room. Kawi hadn't answered when Warm had knocked and honestly he'd expected the room to be dark and empty. It had been dark, but for a single lamp that illuminated pale wrist and pale face in the closet, laying on the ground, empty pill bottle by his side.
He'd called the ambulance without a second thought, standing in someone else's front hallway with blue lights flashing as they'd taken Kawi out on a stretcher. He'd been allowed to ride in the ambulance, but had been separated from Kawi once he was there.
Kawi's mother must have been contacted by the hospital. Warm knows vaguely that though this isn't the hospital that Kawi works at, they must know exactly who he is.
"I've been having trouble sleeping," Kawi says, sigh colored by impatience. "I really wanted to sleep."
"You were hardly breathing," Warm says softly.
"I'm sorry," Kawi whispers.
Warm has no idea what time it is, how long he's been waiting.
"Why didn't you call me?" Warm asks, half-joking, half-serious. "You said I could put you out like a light."
Kawi doesn't smile, not even the barest sliver of amusement.
"Why would I bother you with this?" he asks, that familiar thread of self-pity laid bare now, like raw nerves.
"Why not?" Warm retorts. "You've seen my parents ghost me how many times now, Phi?"
Kawi winces. "I should be better than that."
"We're friends right?" Warm asks softly, even as his grasp on Kawi's hand tightens.
"Warm…" Kawi's eyes are swimming. "You don't really think of me that way, do you?"
A million thoughts fly through Warm's head, like whether he should confirm or deny, whether he's about to be firmly put into the friend zone and no, they will no longer be hooking up — but he draws up short. Kawi isn't okay, hasn't been okay since the day they met, and he wonders if Kawi ever was okay.
"I like you," Warm says in a low voice. "I want you to talk to me about these things."
Kawi closes his eyes, tipping his head back amongst the pillows.
"Are you exhausted?" Warm asks and then follows his instinct to brush Kawi's hair back from his face, who looks up at him with heartbreak. "Because I'm fucking exhausted."
"I'm so sorry for making you see me like that," he rasps.
"Phi, I'm not asking for an apology. I'm glad I found you." He brushes the tears away. "I wish you had talked to me sooner."
"I am exhausted," Kawi says. "I've been tired for years. I'm just so—"
He chokes, unable to get the words out, tears falling in earnest. Warm gets up, carefully working around the tubes and hugging Kawi to him. He wants Kawi to keep clinging to him, paying attention less to the beeping of machines and more to the haggard sound of his breathing. Those faint sounds he'd been afraid of never hearing again.
"Next time, don't let it get this far—"
"It wasn't— My dad, he—" He chokes again and Warm rubs his back, nose buried in his hair, drinking deep of the unfamiliar scents mixed with those he'd been growing used to.
"Talk to me," Warm says. "When things get bad, I want you to talk to me."
He doesn't linger on the moments where he asked, where Kawi turned him away. This time he'll push harder. Now he knows just how bad it can get. He wants to stay closer.
"I was worried about you, this whole time. When you didn't even open my messages…"
"I couldn't— It was too much."
"It's okay," Warm says. "I'm not mad. I was just so worried. I'm glad I found you."
After a long moment, Kawi nods.
Warm wants to keep holding him like this, but he feels Kawi's hold slacken, hears his shuddering begin to wane.
"You need to sleep," he decides. "More sleep."
This time when he smiles with one corner of his mouth, Kawi smiles demurely, eyelashes dark and wet, but a small smile nonetheless.
"Okay," he says.
"And I'll come back to visit. As often as they'll let me see you."
Kawi suddenly looks panicked. "You didn't…?"
"No." Warm lets his hand linger on Kawi's shoulder, feeling distance closing in again. "They just know we're friends."
"Good," Kawi says and Warm tells himself that his heartache is nothing like what Kawi has been going through. It's a conversation for another time.
"Would you tell my mom to come back in? I want to talk to her before I sleep."
"Of course." Warm hesitates for a second, leaning in to press a sniff-kiss to the crown of Kawi's head. The admixture of smells makes him ache. "I'll see you soon."
He turns away before he can do something foolish like start to cry as well, telling himself that Kawi is okay, that this does not ever have to happen again.
Outside, he catches Dokrak leaning on Pam for a second before she leaps to her feet. Her mother is slower to follow.
"Is he okay?" Dokrak asks.
"He said he's gonna sleep more," Warm turns to Kawi's mother, "but he wants to see you, Doctor."
Her smile is brief, but she squeezes his arm before she goes inside. Dokrak follows on her heels without waiting, asking at the door, "Can I come in too?" before slipping inside.
"You're not going too?" Warm asks, since Pam has waited with her arms crossed, the door clicking shut behind her girlfriend.
"What exactly is your deal?" she asks, imposing despite her stature.
"I'm exhausted and I have a paper on the impact of AI on engineering design due on Tuesday."
She glowers. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."
Warm sighs. "I don't know what you want. I was worried about Kawi so I went to go see him."
"So when no one answered the front door, you went around the back?" She gives Warm a once-over, making his face heat. "I've seen you at Oat's bar."
"I've seen you too," he replies, resisting the urge to cross his arms as well, trying not to fidget. "It's a good vibe."
"There are people who are trying to hurt Kawi," she says with enigma that seems colored by hurt. "You didn't make him take those pills, did you?"
"What the fuck?" he laughs, but the hard edge doesn't leave her. He feels a bit woozy. "What the fuck? No, I—" He stammers a moment before he can stop himself. "No, I'm just a friend."
She assesses him.
"We're friends," he repeats, perhaps too transparent, but she softens just a bit.
She puts her hand on his arm, just like Kawi's mother did, and says with a deep well of emotion, "Thank you. P'Kawi is a really good guy."
"I know," Warm says softly, looking down at her slender fingers on his arm rather than meeting that knowing gaze. "I'm just glad I found him."
She nods and lets him go, meeting Dokrak at the door as she comes out. Kawi is asleep, Dokrak says, and despite feeling the pull to sink down in one of the chairs in the hall, Warm agrees to follow them out. They barely talk, but when the three of them stop at the entrance, there's fellow feeling between them. Pam says nothing as Dokrak asks for Warm's number so she can text him updates.
They head in different directions and Warm does his best not to doze off in the car.
Just as he's about to collapse in his bed, he gets a text from Dokrak:
Thank you for taking such good care of my big brother 🙏
When he sleeps, he dreams of Kawi's smile, and the vice around his heart relaxes just a little.