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It's the first Ottawa-Montreal game since the announcement of their foundation, so of course, they're both mic'd up.
“You ready to get your ass beat, Hollander?” Ilya calls out, grinning during warm ups.
“Not if we kick your ass first, Rozanov.” Shane replies, skating over. “You mic’ed up already?”
“Da, yes.” Ilya taps to the small microphone that Harris had attached to his jersey just before he got on the ice. “You?”
“Yep.”
“Want to give social media manager something to post about?” Ilya smirks mischievously. Shane stares at him warily.
“What are you thinking?” Shane starts stretching.
“Chirps?”
“Oh, c’mon. Seriously?”
“What?” Ilya gasps mockingly. “Shane Hollander, is no secret that you are bad at chirping. Maybe I can teach you, yes?”
“Fuck you, Rozanov.”
“Better! Good job!” Ilya reaches over to pat Shane’s helmet. “Swearing is good start! But best chirps are creative. Saying fuck off is not good enough.”
“Alright, asshole, gimme something to work with.” Shane rolls his eyes, for a moment forgetting about the crowd, the cameras, the microphones. Just standing next to his boyfriend, ribbing each other like they do every time they can.
“First lesson in chirping - goal is to make angry, yes? So pick something they are not good at, then say something about that.” Ilya shrugs. “Not hard. Pike is easy target - many things he’s bad at. Bad at hockey, bad at pulling out-”
Shane smacks Ilya on the shoulder, both of them barely feeling it through the pads and gloves. “Leave Hayden out of this, Ilya.”
“What? Is good target, easy to piss off. He’s very sensitive."
“Pick someone else.”
“Ugh, fine, boring.” Ilya blows a raspberry. “I pick you then? You have less things to pick at, but is still easy. Second best player, weak backhand, terrible diet-”
“Oh my god, you’re insufferable.”
“Yes, that is point of chirping.” Ilya grins. “Now do me!”
“Not on the ice, I won’t.” Shane shoots back.
“Ooh, good one! Very fast - you must have been thinking about it!”
“Me? Thinking about you?” Shane rolls his eyes. “Nope.”
“Clever.” Ilya spits on the ice, smiling. “You are good at come-backs, bad at starting. We work on… what is the word? Starting something?”
“Initiative?”
“Yes. We work on initiative.”
“Fine.” Shane rolls his eyes and spits onto the ice. “Gonna play a clean game, Rozanov?”
Ilya laughs. “Unless you give me reason not to, Hollander.”
“That’s pretty weak.”
“Just like your backhand.”
“Oh fuck off.”
Ilya shakes his head, tutting. “Not good enough, Hollander, sorry. Want to try again?”
Shane huffs. “Don’t have time, gonna be busy kicking your ass.”
Ilya glances at the warm up timer, realizing belatedly that they actually only have a few more minutes. “Alright, fine. I will be expecting better during the game!”
“Expect whatever you want, Rozanov.” Shane pauses. “Except for winning. You’re not getting that.”
“Ooh, good one! Keep ‘em coming!”
Shane shakes his head, laughing as he skates back to his team. Ilya grins at his retreating back and turns to his own team.
-
The game is hard - good players on both sides. Haas scores, Bood assists. Then Shane scores with a Pike assist.
Ilya gets the puck, skates past Hollander. “Too slow!”
“Faster than you at the All Stars!” Hollander calls back, catching up quickly.
“Was basically a tie!” Ilya passes the puck to Bood, who passes it to Haas.
“Sounds like something a sore loser would say!” Hollander catches the puck on his stick as Haas tries to pass it back to Bood, skating past all three of them quickly. He dodges the Centaur defenseman, passing to Pike.
“Still drafted first!”
Hollander snatches the puck back. “More career points!”
Ilya checks his shoulder, snatching the puck again. “More career goals!”
“Points are more important than goals!” Hollander shouts, taking the puck back.
“Goals win games!”
“I’ve got three words for you, Rozanov-”
“Yeah?”
“Three. Fucking. Cups!” Shane shoots the puck, grazing past Hayes’ left hand and slamming into the back of the net.
“Oh fuck off, Hollander!” Ilya calls as he skates over.
“Thought you said that fuck off was weak, Rozanov.” Hollander is grinning, face flushed from exertion. “Maybe I’m just better than you.”
“Hmm, maybe. Maybe not.” Ilya spits. “Still 2-1. One period left.”
“Better start preparing your presser.” Hollander grins, putting on a truly terrible Russian accent. “Hello, I am Ilya Rozanov, and I lost today. So sad. Is terrible that the Voyageurs are better than me.”
“I do not sound like that.”
“Yes, you do.” Hollander keeps going. “Shane Hollander is best player in league and I am so sad that I will never be as good as him.”
Ilya laughs, can’t help it. “What? I have never said this! Liar!”
“What? You said it to me the other day?”
“No, I did not!”
“Yes, you did! You came to my mom’s house and said Mama Hollander, your son is better player than me. Is reason we are friends, I am learning how to play hockey from him. Very generous guy to spend his valuable time teaching second-best hockey player.”
“I hate you,” Ilya grins. “People think you are so nice, they look and say, oh, is Canada’s Golden Boy, perfect hockey player! They do not know you are secretly little shit.”
Shane shrugs. “People make assumptions. Not my problem. More fun for me.”
-
After the intermission, Ilya gets re-mic’d and heads to center ice for the face off.
“Hello, Hollander.”
“Rozanov.” Shane smirks at him. “Ready to get your ass handed to you?”
“Ooh, confident, I like it. So sad that you will go home crying tonight though.” Ilya grins. “Maybe you can come back to my apartment and cry on my couch, I think I even have sad rabbit food for you to… what is the word? The one that sounds like the tree but is sad?”
“Wallow?”
“Yes, I even have sad rabbit food for you to wallow on couch with.”
Shane laughs. “Hm, maybe I’ll take you up on that - but it’ll be you crying into your cookie dough ice cream, Rozanov. It’ll be fun for me to watch you wallow.”
“Clever,” Ilya spits. “You’ve got more where that came from?”
“I’ve got plenty.”
“Be careful, Hollander!”
Shane looks over his shoulder, confused. “Careful of what?”
“Oh, I thought I smelled smoke from how hard you were thinking of chirps.” Ilya shrugs. Shane laughs, shoving him.
“Fuck off, asshole.”
“Weak!” Ilya grins. “Try harder!”
“You know what’s crazy, Roz?” Shane starts, already grinning. “They still worship me in Ottawa. Do you ever see the giant poster of me at your home rink and think, damn, can’t even get away from him here?”
Ilya cackles. “Oh, that’s good, Hollander! I think it’s kind that they keep the second-best player’s poster around - like Make-A-Wish for hockey players.”
“I get a discount at Aloras, what do you get? Kicked out?”
“Don’t need a discount, I make more than you!”
Shane opens his mouth to respond, but the puck drops and he lazer-focuses on that instead, snatching it away from Ilya by barely a second, skating off. “Too slow, Rozanov!”
-
kay <3’s centaurs @calikaykay
Getting mic’d up hollzy and rozzy was NOT on my 2018 bingo card but fuck it we ball, this is amazing
l-> max loves hollzy! @play_it_right
I’m cracking up at roz trying to give hollzy chirping lessons
l-> kay <3’s centaurs @calikaykay
Breaking News: Hollzy isn’t actually bad at chirping! He just only chirps with Rozanov (??)
andy (j.j.’s wife) @jjsfave
Everyone was screaming about PR friendship, but look at these idiots, they are ABSOLUTELY besties, c’mon
[clip of Ilya and Shane chirping at each other during warm-ups, Ilya shoulder checks Shane and Shane laughs]
Jenni (hockey era) @hopeful_aromantic
I’m cracking up, why are they like this?
[clip of Shane and Ilya chirping:
“More career points!”
“More career goals!”
“Points are more important than goals!”
“Goals win games!”
“I’ve got three words for you, Rozanov-”
“Yeah?”
“Three. F*king. Cups!”]
l-> andrea (drea’s version) @shanetheicon_
Three words for you Rozanov! THREE. FUCKING. CUPS. hollzy you will always be famous
junie 4 shane @playin_u_2nite
Hollzy’s chirping is so funny - what do you mean he’s talking about how ottawa is his hometown and bragging about the fact that he gets discounts??
andrea (drea’s version) @shanetheicon_
Real talk, the way Ilya trusts shane to help him with english is so sweet - and the way shane never mocks him for it, literally just offers the words?? They are besties your honor
l-> tessa @hollanovtruther
They are more than besties your honor!
l-> andrea (drea’s version) @shanetheicon_
.. not now, twitter user hollanovtruther
Lilah is ✨famous✨ @freakier_than
Their dynamic is so funny oh mygod. Petition to have them Always Mic’d Up plssss
justin rhymes with boston @dreaming_days
Hollander doing a terrible russian accent to mock rozanov is so funny , i’m sorry shane baby that sounds nothing like him
Davíd 🏒@hockey_hater213
My husband is cracking up at the clips of the hollander-rozanov chirp off, i’m busy dying at the fact that they are both playing their asses off and STILL being hilarious on mic.
💐 MARIA 💐 @daylightstar
I will never be ok about these two i fear… they are unfortunately too fucking funny
Rami @holeander
Cackling, their dynamic is so funny. “I make more than you” is a crazy chirp, rozzy lmao
-
Ottawa wins it 3-2 with a goal from Bood, and then a last second goal from Rozanov. Ilya grins victoriously at Shane as the other Centaurs circle the goal to cheer.
“Hollander!” He calls over, making Shane skate to him. “Guess you will be eating sad rabbit food on couch tonight!”
Shane rolls his eyes. “Good game, Rozanov!” He waves and skates off ice, chatting with Hayden. Ilya chuckles, high-fiving Haasy and hugging Bood.
-
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @official_roz81
I am better chirper and better player than @hollander24_official so he eat sad food on couch
[blurry picture of Shane sitting on a couch with a plate of grilled fish, rice, and vegetables, glaring at the person taking the picture]
l-> Shane Hollander ✅ @hollander24_official
Fuck off, Rozanov
l-> Ilya Rozanov ✅ @official_roz81
Weak chirp boo tomato tomato 🍅🍅
l-> Shane Hollander ✅ @hollander24_official
Who the fuck is teaching you these things???