Chapter Text
Tim always had straight thin hair, he took after his mother in that way. His father's hair was thicker and it had waves to it, but his mother's hair was pin straight and thin, but she had a lot of it, and so did Tim.
But Jason's hair had been curly. The second Robin had loose curls in his hair, messy and adorable. Dick had curls too, his were tighter, but Jason had a mess of curls that looked like someone just dropped it on top of his head. It was cute and added to his charm, deceiving almost.
These days Jason's hair isn't as curly. Tim isn't sure if he straightens it or if age has just taken away his curls, maybe he just hasn't taken care of them. Tim knows how hard it is to take care of those.
Oh but if Tim has straight hair how would he know how hard it is to take care of curly hair? Because Tim used to curl his hair to look like Jason.
At first it started as a cute little fanboy moment, he took his mother's curling iron, the one she left at home when she was traveling so she didn't have to unpack the one she took with her when she traveled. Saved time and lessened the chance that she forgot it.
But then Tim started to notice something. Bruce did better when his hair was curled.
Some days Tim wasn't to be bothered with curling his hair, he was too tired or didn't have time, and he just didn't. But there was a pattern. Bruce was worse off, treated him differently, when his hair was curled.
Tim couldn't deny he looked like Jason, he had the dark hair and blue eyes just like Jason did, Tim was older than Jason was when he started to be Robin but he had a perpetual baby face, he had this roundness to his face, a fullness to his cheeks that Jason had. In the Robin costume, they could be mistaken for the same person.
Tim had long since resigned himself to being called or seen as Jason. Bruce was a grieving father and Tim knew that parents of lost children often need a replacement, usually a doll or something. Something to take care of, to deal with grief, now some of these parents took that too far and become delusionally attached to the doll and never want to give it up. Replacing the child they lost. Which was exactly what Tim was always meant to be.
Tim was the replacement Robin, the doll for Bruce to project onto to heal. He never intended to become Robin but was encouraged by Dick and Alfred and maybe he never really wanted to be but the chance to work with his heroes and be to others was Jason was to him? Well he has to admit he was jumping at the chance!
He always knew he signed up for, mimicking Jason, he just didn't realize how much he had to mimic the other boy.
Tim curled his hair everyday after he realized Bruce would be nicer better when he could pretend that Tim was Jason. He woke up earlier, warmed up the curler and carefully curled and styled his hair to look exactly like how Jason's did. Where Jason's was careless and natural, Tim's was perfectly styled and every stray hair and cowlick was strategically designed and placed to make his hair look naturally messy and like he rolled out of bed looking like this. He had a chart of different ways his hair could stick up and be 'out of place' and cycled through them randomly so that there was no pattern that Bruce, 'the world's greatest detective' could possibly notice, even subconsciously. He randomized how his hair would be styled and kept track of what hair style he used when and what would be tomorrows and exactly how much time it would take to do. He realistically spent hours on his hair, at least an hour every morning before school, and every damn night his hair would lose its fluff and lay straight on his head.
It was beyond frustrating. He cursed having his mother's genes, even if he had his father's hair, straight or wavy at best, it was thicker and would've held the curls for long and looked more natural.
He was lucky his photography hobby provided him with many references for Jason's hair, how it looked in rest, how it looked on different nights and he was able to get down the things that was consistent across the photos, those were the stables, and the things that were unique and to maybe add every now and then for his hair.
So yes, Tim had a lot of time spent on his hair, he did a lot of things to mimic Jason in those days. He learned a crime alley accent, able to slowly integrate it into his Bristol accent, and mask it. Tim had a Bristol accent, Robin had a subtle crime alley drawl to him, hidden under a greater Gotham accent. Something that Jason had, he never developed a Bristol accent but he did slowly drop some of the more unrefined parts of the crime alley sort of way of speaking, something Tim only knew when he was following them, able to hear him talk to Bruce. And Tim had spent a lot of time in crime alley when he was following the vigilante duo, so it wasn't hard to pick up the accent and it became second nature to put it on when he was in the Robin suit and drop it when the domino mask and the red-green-yellow came off. He got very good at playing the part.
Jason when Bruce needed him, and Tim when Bruce didn't. Because Jason needed his father and wanted to be taken care of, so that Bruce could see his son alive, protect him and love him. But Tim was the kid next door and the Robin that Bruce didn't need to worry about. The one that would do a quick once over to assure Bruce he was fine, not linger, not take up a space at the table or a room in the manor, but to go home at the end of the night and lick his wounds alone and ready to do it again the next night. He did exactly as Bruce needed when he needed it, a doll for Bruce to project his grief on, or the kid he didn't need to worry about.
When Tim eventually was involved with the Young Justice team, and started to stay with them, he didn't have a curler for the tower and that meant he couldn't curl his hair. But with his team, he didn't need to. He didn't need to curl his hair, painstakingly style it to match a kid who was dead. He didn't need to mask his Bristol accent so Batman could pretend that it wasn't Tim Drake next to him but in fact Jason Todd.
The team didn't know the late second Robin, they didn't have any demands on him and Tim wasn't a doll for him. And he had to admit it was nice, it was nice to wake up and not have to account for an hour of hair styling before he was ready to see anyone. He didn't need to put on a voice alongside the mask and colors. He could just be Tim Drake, Robin. His own person.
Thought that did lead to subtle slip ups with Bruce, which actually worked to his benefit because as it turns out Jason was alive and really had it out for Tim, and because Jason was alive and his memory was no longer the sweet young boy, with curly hair and missing tooth smile, but rather a blood-lusted man who was out for... well revenge? Maybe? But Tim hadn't really done anything to him. Jason misunderstood what kind of replacement Tim was for him, but it was hard to explain it when a grown man in panties was beating the shit out of you.
Anyway the point was, Tim didn't need to be Jason anymore cause Jason was Jason and Jason wasn't Jason anymore. Okay fuck that didn't make sense but you know what he means. Jason was back and he was changed so Tim didn't have to be that way anymore, so he dropped it slowly.
The slip ups made it more natural, his normal accent slipping in, a couple of days of not styling his hair, until all of these things stopped all together.
And suddenly, he was Tim Drake, even with Bruce and he was still Robin. In a way, it was relieving, that he was still valued and kept as Robin. He was still of worth as the Robin not to be worried about and not just the doll! Because Bruce's son was alive and he could go back to his son, and the doll was not necessary anymore so all that was left was Tim. Which was daunting, he wondered when he would be asked to leave or step down.
Dick was hanging around more now too, he was concerned about his little brother. Jason, not Tim. Tim was the one he didn't have to worry about, but Jason was clearly going through something that he needed help for, which meant Bruce got to parent again! Even if Jason was a bit resistant to it. It was like a teenage rebellion! Nineteen was still a teenager so it was fine, just your average healthy teenage rebellion. Well if your teenage rebellion included, murder, attempted fratricide murder, dealing drugs, dealing weapons, more of an anti-hero than vigilante, etc. etc. Your normal teenager activities.
Well Jason slowly integrated back into the family, after a rough period of adjustment, tentative truces, and brotherly love or whatever.
Then Damian showed up, Tim dodged assination attempts without anyone worrying about them because Tim was the Robin you didn’t have to worry about. Worry about the little demon that deserved to have someone be gentle with him for the first time, yelling could accomplish a lot but that would be wrong, Damian had heard enough yelling for one lifetime.
Bruce died, Tim lost Robin (Because who needed stability after losing basically everyone, right? Damian needed to feel secure more because certainly Tim had his place, right? Or had he finally outlived his usefulness and was it finally time, was he being kicked out?) So he proved his worth and brought Bruce back, it was the least he could do, knowing that he was alive and no one would help him he found some unsavory friends, and even worse allies, lost them all along with his spleen and kept it quiet because Tim was the one you didn’t have to worry about, he was the one who could do it, give him more he needed it. He wanted to be useful, had to be useful, he was the neighbor, the one you kept around to be useful.
Sometimes Tim still felt like a doll, porcelain and pretty on the outside, rotted, moldy and dustfilled on the inside. And he wasn’t going to allow himself to crack and show that, but he also refused to go back on the shelf.
It started at dinner, Tim rarely attended these anymore, he didn’t see a reason to force himself back into the family too much, but Alfred had asked and Cass was in town, so he came anyway. He wasn’t paying too much attention to the conversation, going over case notes in his head as he pushed the food around his plate and absent mindedly putting food in his mouth.
“Tim?” Dick asked, and apparently the conversation turned to him.
“Hm?” He replied, only half listening, as he pushed another fork full of food into his mouth.
“Why do you straighten your hair these days?”
Tim nearly dropped his fork and choked. He gained attention that way, the whole table stared at him in varying degrees of concern and disgust (Damian), as Jason, who sat next to him, pounded on his back until the food dislodged and he was able to breathe again.
“Jesus kid, chew before you swallow.” Jason huffed, but there was an underlying concern there.
“Honestly Drake, you can’t even eat.” Damian huffed but he didn’t take his eyes off him, almost studying him.
“Are you okay, Tim?” Dick asked, Tim was panting a bit to catch his breath but nodded.
“Yeah, sorry, I- inhaled by accident. Sorry.” They weren’t supposed to worry about him. Dick studied him and blinked.
“Oh- uh, I guess it’s just easier.” He said he didn’t have a contingency for this. He never thought someone would ask. In the early days it was always ‘oh it’s easier’ or ‘oh i’m trying out something new, looks good right?’ or ‘It fits better with my face shape, my mother says, I think she’s right’ etc. But it was far too long for most of those.
“What’s easier?” Jason asked.
“Tim’s hair being straight instead of natural.” Dick fills in (un)helpfully. Jason looks at him.
“Your hair is curly?” He asks, Jason had first met him at the tower where he didn’t bother curling, and then out on patrol he really wasn’t around when Tim was consistently curling as Bruce and Dick didn’t feel comfortable with him being around Jason after his recovery so it took awhile.
Tim gave a shrug.
“Come on, you looked so cute with those curls! Getting up early and straightening your hair cannot be easier than keeping your hair curly, it’s not even that long.” Dick almost whines. “Jason’s hair lost its curl and you straighten yours! I miss that.” Tim shrugs again.
“I dunno, it’s just… easier, to keep it straight. Besides, I’ve straightened it so much it’s probably lost its curl anyway, they were pretty loose curls. I don’t think it would even wave like Jason’s does.” He says.
“You know I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with curly hair.” Jason hums.
That was on purpose Tim thinks, stabbing into his food with more force than necessary. I didn’t want to trigger you by looking like you.
“You know, I think he stopped right around when you came back.” Dick hummed. “It was funny, he looked exactly like you.” Jason stiffened and Tim cursed internally. Jason turns to him.
“Did- did you start straightening your hair to not look like me?” He asks, Tim can’t name the emotion in his voice, or rather he didn’t have time to before his mouth spoke.
“Yes.” And- and that wasn’t the right answer. It wasn’t even true, he didn’t straight his hair, he just normally didn’t look like Jason. Well he did, honestly the two of them could’ve passed for actual biological brothers, but his hair didn’t. He just spoke before he could even process and he still had the attention of the whole table and it was quieter than quiet.
Jason’s face falls before hardening into a frown before he shoves off the table and stalks out of the house
“Jason-” Dick tries but it doesn’t work, he doesn’t falter in his steps.
Tim can only sigh and refuses to meet the eyes of his family, he can feel their stares burning into him.
He excuses himself shortly after. Crack
♗
Tim has not been avoiding his fam- team. He had not been avoiding the team since dinner that night. It was just a coincidence that the Young Justice League called on him, that he was gone for a couple weeks, and he totally wasn’t hiding out in the tower, totally wasn’t running and hiding. No, of course not. There was a detailed log of the mission, signed off by all of the members of the team and it was two weeks! The paper trail was right there.
And when he was back in Gotham he was just tired, he didn’t want to see anyone and was catching up on sleep and cases he missed while he was gone, there was just a lot of work to do with WE, which he was still running until Damian was ready to talk over. He wasn’t avoiding them! Their patrol routes just matched up so that they would miss each other (Stalking habits die hard) and they often didn’t have time to talk anyway.
So no, he was not avoiding them, and maybe it had been nearly a month since he last saw anyone in the family in person (outside of the suits anyway), and he was fine. And maybe he wasn’t answering his phone and declining all invitations to see them, maybe he was only answering texts with ‘sorry was at work!’ or ‘sorry I got caught up in a case’ or ‘sorry I was busy’ over and over again. That didn’t mean he was avoiding them.
But it didn’t surprise him when someone crawled through his window. He was prepared for Cass to drag him to the couch, or if he really messed up, the manor, to bundle him up in blankets and force him to watch a movie. He was prepared for Dick to come crawling in, with concerned looks, soft words and even softer touches. He was even prepared for Damian to come crawling in, with harsh insults and demanding he come home because that’s what Damian believed the manor to be.
What did surprise him was Jason of all people crawling through his window with a deep seated expression of frustration, not anger, on his face. Tim could only blink at him.
“You’ve been avoiding everyone, Replacement.” He hissed. Tim blinked again, Jason really didn’t understand what he was saying when he said that huh?
“No I haven’t.” He said simply, as if it wasn’t a massive lie that everyone could see. The thing was, Tim lied a lot and everyone knew it, but no one bothered to call him out on it because Tim wasn’t the one you had to worry about. He could fix anything that was wrong and so he lied and everyone knew he lied and no one did anything because there was no reason to.
“Yes you have.” Okay so there was a reason now.
“I’ve been busy, Jason.” He sighs. “I was gone for two weeks and shit piles up, it’s not easy to just drop everything.”
“You can’t stop by for one meal? Or sit down and chat on patrol? Or decompress with the rest of us after patrol?” Decompress? Did they all hang out after patrol? Was that normal?
“No, Jason.” He replies, crossing his arms. “I can’t. I have work and responsibilities. I can’t just drop them all to sit down and play family at dinner, okay? ‘Oh but Tim you have to eat anyway, why not do it with us?’ You hear Dick say, but here I can work while eating, there I can’t. So yes I have to eat but I also have to work. It’s not a big deal Jason, I’m not a kid.”
“Are you even eighteen?” That hurt more than Tim wanted to admit. That Jason didn’t know how old he was. Why would he? Why would it hurt that he didn’t know, because of course he didn’t know, why would Jason know, there’s no reason for him to know.
“I’m not avoiding everyone.” He reaffirms. “I’m just busy.”
“Bullshit!” Jason growls, stepping forward, Tim doesn’t flinch because he’s not scared of Jason, despite what Jason might believe, Tim isn’t afraid of him. He knows Jason. He’s not the same pitmaddened guy who attacked him years ago. “You haven’t been around since you admitted you don’t want to look like me.”
“That’s not what I said.” He hisses back because Jason doesn’t know the half of it.
“That’s exactly what you said!” He exclaims, almost hopelessly, which threw Tim through a loop. “I asked if you started straightening your hair so you didn’t have to look like me and you said yes.” Jason’s voice breaks a bit, throwing Tim through another loop. Why was he so upset about this? It wasn’t even true?
“That’s not what I meant! It’s not that I didn’t want to look like you, it's that I didn’t want to trigger you!” Tim replies, tossing his hands up. He really didn’t want to do this right now.
“What?” Jason asks, a mix between confused and frustrated.
“You- Look, I looked exactly like you in the Robin costume most days. And I mean we were indistinguishable at times. Cassie happened to mess around with my hair earlier and used her straightening iron on me when we were in the tower on the day you- y’know, but normally we looked a lot alike and when you came around it made sense not to look like you. I mean you already were saying I replaced you and shit and like yeah I did, it was best not to be like your fucking twin or something.” Tim said with a shrug. That was a decent excuse pulled out of his ass, sure it was kind of the truth but it was also not the full truth either with a blatant lie peppered in the middle about Cassie.
Jason squinted at him slightly. He didn’t fully believe him and that was fair because Tim was lying.
“You don’t have to do that anymore.” He replies, a bit wary.
“I know.” Tim says. “But you get used to it and as I said to Dick it doesn’t really curl anymore.” He murmurs.
“Can I see it?”
“See what? My hair curly? I’m sure there are pictures-”
“No, your straightening iron.”
“My… straightening iron.” Tim repeated and Jason’s eyes narrowed again.
“Yeah, to straighten your hair.”
“Oh yeah, I’ll just grab it.” Tim said and stiffly walked off to the bathroom.
So the thing is, and this may be obvious, but Tim, little Tim with naturally pin straight hair that can’t hold a curl for more than a couple of hours, does not own a straightening iron. Maybe if someone had asked sooner he would’ve bought one for contingency sake but he didn’t, because why would he?
He did have his mother’s curling iron. He took it with him in case he needed to curl it again and for sentimental state. She never knew how much he used it but he felt connected to her in some ways when he used it. Even if she would’ve been beyond pissed if she found out he was using it. Regardless it was nice to pretend. He just prayed that Jason didn’t know the difference.
“Here.” He murmurs, tossing Jason the iron, who fumbles but catches it, maybe he thought it was hot. He looks at it, turning it over and then levels Tim with a look.
Well. That failed.
“Tim.” He says. “This is a curling iron.”
“Is it?” He may have failed but he’ll be damned if he’s caught in a lie. “Well, I’ve been using it as a straightening iron.”
That was believable, right? You could use a curling iron to straighten hair.
“Kid,” Jason began. “You can use a curling iron to straighten hair,” Score! “But not like this.” Not Score!
Tim shrugs.
“Your hair is pin straight, how the fuck can a curling iron do this? No, you'd need a flat iron.” Jason says.
“Well excuse me, I didn’t know you were a hairdresser.” Tim scoffs, snatching his mother’s curling iron back from him.
Something seemed to be dawning on Jason, and Tim’s heart sped up, his stomach dropped, surely Jason, of all people, wasn’t figuring it out. He was the worst person to be here, the worst person to figure things out.
“You’re not straightening your hair.” He says. “You’re just not curling it anymore.”
Tim doesn’t answer.
“Okay you’re going to have to help me out here, I- No one cares if you’re curling your hair? Why are you lying about it?” Jason asks. Tim still doesn’t answer. He could answer Bruce, if Bruce had been the one to crawl in here, and question him about his odd behavior, about not wanting to look like Jason anymore (Couldn’t Tim just want to look like Tim for once?) he could tell him. Bruce would understand, Bruce knew who he was back then and he had apologized for it. He could tell Bruce. Hell he could tell Dick! He would’ve been able to spin it and Dick would be flustered and a little guilty but Tim would let him apologize for not noticing and making a scene about it during dinner and he would forgive him and let him stay and watch a movie and things would be okay.
But Jason?
The one he mimicked? The one whose image he stole and used for his own gain, to make himself useful? He couldn’t just tell him. It wasn’t that simple. ‘I used to curl my hair too look like you because Bruce stopped being a dick when he could pretend I was you’ and ‘Bruce called me by your name so many times and was my only interaction for the most part, I briefly stopped replying to my own name’ To Tim, that just sounded like he was confirming what Jason had always believed.
Tim had replaced Jason. He literally designed himself to be Jason, in every aspect, to make sure even the Joker looked twice when he saw Tim in the Robin costume, that made everyone believe that Robin, that Jason was still alive after all. He wasn’t Tim when he was Robin he was Jason and he had been a replacement.
Jason sighed.
“This obviously is important, it goes deeper than we realize, what’s going on, Tim? Because from my perspective you curled your hair when you were a kid, that’s all. Why is that so… scary to say?”
“Because then they’ll ask why.” Tim’s voice was wetter than he thought, which was embarrassing, which made him want to cry more- it was a vicious cycle.
“And that’s a problem.” Jason summarized, Tim felt small, he felt like a child. He wasn’t a kid, he was CEO, he was Red Robin, he was on his own, but he felt so small right now, like a child as Jason stood above him, looking down and seeing him. Tim didn’t like to be seen. Tim nodded.
Crack.
“Why? What is so bad about curling your hair?” Jason laughed a bit, it wasn’t mean, it wasn’t aimed at him, it was more confused than anything else, he was just laughing because it was absurd! What kind of person hid the reason behind curling their hair to this extent? A person like Tim, who curled his hair for the wrong reasons.
Jason was communicating. It wasn’t easy for him to do that, even before the pit, before dying and the rage that came with being revived, communication was something he struggled with. While he never hesitated to really make his wants and needs known he wasn’t able to find the root of problems, his own feelings or anything like that. It was like Bruce and because neither of them were capable of communicating with each other it led to clashing, which was what eventually pushed Jason into the arms of his mother and the Joker by association. But here Jason was, communicating and trying to get the root problem out of Tim. Was it really fair of Tim to keep denying him.
“ToLookLikeYou” He muttered under his breath, looking down at the floor, his sock was ripped, and he didn’t know why but that made him feel like shit, he couldn’t even wear proper clothes. Janet would’ve slapped him for wearing clothes with holes in them. He was a Drake (because he wasn’t a Wayne anymore) and Drakes didn’t wear clothes, not even socks, with holes in them. He failed at being a Wayne so he went back to being a Drake and he failed at that as well. Fuck.
“What?” Jason asked. “I didn’t catch that kid.”
“To look like you.”
Jason faltered.
Crack
“What.”
“I- I did it to look like you.” Tim admitted. “When- It- I wasn’t trying to replace you I was- I was trying to be a crutch…”
“A crutch.” Jason repeats slowly, gears turning in his head. Tim nodded, hoping he was understanding. Tim was a doll, Tim was Bruce’s grief doll! He was just there to ease the pain, to project on, the one no one had to worry about. Jason-Tim was the one Bruce got to coddle, and care about, and love, while Tim-Tim was the one that Bruce didn’t have to take care of, didn’t have to worry about, didn’t have to love pay attention to, that was the whole point! That Bruce could heal from Tim and not worry about it.
“Y-yeah! Like I was- Bruce did better when I was- when I looked like you- when- when no one could tell us apart it- it was good. It- you- You know those dolls? Those baby dolls given to mothers after they lose their child? Th-that’s me! It wasn’t a replacement child it was just- it was a way to grieve and pretend and come to terms with loss, you know?”
Jason didn’t look like he understood, he looked- well that face you make before you’re sick but in a less gonna get sick kind of way. That didn’t make sense.
“It- I mean we look alike in general but my hair- I take after my mom, her hair was thin and straight and I- we can’t hold curls ever, like it’s really bad our hair doesn’t curl at all but with a curling iron it curls pretty fast cause there’s less to do. It doesn’t like hold or anything so like I’ll wake up with straight hair and stuff but like I would curl it every morning and-and before patrol too! It was- I had a lot of pictures of you as Robin and I would like style my hair based on yours and it was- I mean it was trial and error but it was good and I was- I mean I really looked like you, if it wasn’t for the pants it would be like we were the same Robin.”
“But we weren’t! I wasn’t you! I just- just looked like you and- and tried to speak like you and act like you but really it was just like looking and stuff. I- I wasn’t a replacement but- but like a crutch, you know?” Tim spoke, the words spilled out, it was everything he was thinking at all times but never said and it was good to explain himself to Jason finally. In a way that validated Jason, yes he looked like a replacement but he wasn’t he was a crutch, but also told him he wasn’t replacing him.
“You weren’t there- I mean obviously Bruce was grieving you, but like he was bad Jason. He- I had to call ambulances on petty criminals all the time before I was even Robin. He was going to kill someone, he was going to kill himself, someone had to do something! I- I tried getting Dick back but he refused and then Alfred gave me the Robin suit and- well I went. Bruce didn’t want me at first. He kept calling me your name and he would get disappointed when I wasn’t so I realized, if I looked like you, if I responded like you, he would do better. It’s a valid grief management! To- to have a doll to project on and-and take care of! And I didn’t- it wasn’t like he was doing all of that with me either! So I wasn’t a replacement!”
“What?” Jason croaked, sounding a bit wrecked but Tim couldn’t stop now.
“Well I wouldn’t stick around, you know? I wasn’t- I was Robin I wasn’t his kid, I had a home to go back to and it wasn’t like my parents were home to question me about where I was, or my injuries or stuff. So I didn’t have to worry. Like the fussing and stuff only happened when I was in costume, cause you can’t really pretend I’m you when outside of the mask, you know? So like it wasn’t- I wasn’t replacing you I was just- I was helping Bruce. You know? That’s- that’s why I curled my hair- I didn’t want to upset you or make you think I was replacing you. So I-it was hard when Dick asked about it but he didn’t know me when I didn’t curl my hair. Like when I first showed up, sure but he was hardly around in the beginning so it was easy to make him think my hair was natural too.”
“When you came back, I didn’t need to anymore. Because Bruce had you and a reminder of you wouldn’t be really, like welcome because you were a crime lord and stuff and it was a little hard after the tower to see you- only at first! In the mirror but- so I slowly phased it out, you know? Bruce had you back so he didn’t need me to do that anymore. I- I didn’t think anyone would ask this late. But, yeah when Dick asked and then when you asked, it came out without meaning. It wasn’t that I was actively trying to not look like you but like, trying to look like me, you know?” The words felt good to leave his mouth, finally able to explain himself, finally able to have others understand. It wasn’t that bad! He did it, and he wondered why he hadn’t done it earlier, it felt so good to finally get it all out!
Jason didn’t look like he understood. Oh. That was why he hadn’t said something earlier.
Crack.
“Uhm- It- was-” Tim cut himself off, he didn’t even know what was wrong here. Did he misexplain something? Why did Jason look so upset?
♗
Jason was not the emotional okay sibling. Not by a long shot, if he was being honest he didn’t think there was one in his family. If he had to rank them he’d say Dick was at the top of the list, he was pretty good and open with his emotions but he shouldered too much, didn’t instigate conflict even when it was necessary, unless it was with Bruce, he was mostly pacifying than he was dealing with the hard shit until it all blew up and it was impossible to ignore. Still then, he was the best of them with that. Then he would’ve said Tim, Tim never really seemed illadjusted, but he never seemed open like Dick. Jason would’ve put him second by default, not because he was particularly well versed but because he wasn’t Jason or Damian. Jason was getting better, he was doing stuff and managing and all of that so he thinks he’s above Damian, who is also getting better but the kid still wasn’t doing great. Any admission of emotions at all was like spitting poison for Damian so he used to rank them that way.
But apparently Tim was a lot worse than he thought. He was hiding all of this? For how long? This whole time? He was a kid when he was Robin, they all were and Tim was older but this? Being a fucking therapy doll for Bruce? And he was finally taking his own looks back and they were basically grilling him for trying to be himself for the first time in half a decade.
God that-
Jason felt sick. He had long since stopped labeling Tim as an actual replacement, the name was more of a nickname now instead of an insult or a jab towards him, Jason understood that it wasn’t a personal attack, Bruce had never replaced him, Tim wasn’t Jason.
But according to Tim, he was Jason, in ways he never thought. Not in the sense that he was his replacement, the better son, the more obedient Robin, but rather the object of Bruce’s grief, the person who was a life vest for a man more than twice his age. The poor kid who thought it was his responsibility, that it was his job to take on that burden.
Oh Jason was going to kill Bruce.
He was going to kill Dick! How could Dick let this happen? How could Dick see a kid like Tim, abandoned and desperate to please and just let him take on Bruce, grieving and apparently violent, alone? How could he have not been there?
Tim had seemed so relieved when he got all of it out, like he had been holding onto it for so long because he fucking had. He had been holding onto it for so long, and he was finally able to say something and- then his face drops as he realizes that Jason wasn’t as relieved as he was, that Jason understood what he was saying but he didn’t agree.
“I- well- I mean it wasn’t- I didn’t like- It wasn’t really like that or- or anything, I’m exaggerating on- on a lot of it and it wasn’t like bad or anything I’m not- you don’t have to worry about it, like at all I’m not- not the one you have to worry about because I’m fine. And that wasn’t anything bad or anything.” Tim was quick to back track but he wasn’t prepared to have said anything at all and he didn’t have a plan and it was clear he was panicking. “I just didn’t feel like giving this whole stupid spiel to Dick cause- well you know he gets weepy at things and stuff and he’s blows things out of proportion and you know, anything to start an argument with Bruce! It’s really nothing, I just- You know like wanted to look like you! You were such a good Robin and obviously I wanted to look like you! So I started curling my hair and- and when you came back I was embarrassed so I stopped.” The lie dripped easily off Tim’s tongue, his brain finally catching up to his mouth as he finished, he stuttered less and confidence and nonchalance returned to his voice.
“Tim…” Jason’s voice was oddly breathless, it was hard to breathe in, his chest was contracting and it made breathing hard. It hurt, his head hurt, he couldn’t wrap his mind around this. “That’s not okay.”
Tim deflated, all of that confidence he just had left his body and he sagged. He looked utterly defeated, his whole body looked heavier than anything Jason had ever held before.
“I know…” He murmured miserably. “I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to desecrate your memory, I just wanted to help and Bruce was so mean after your death I didn’t know what else to do. He just did so much better with you around even if it was really me and I just- I dunno… I’m really sorry.”
“No, no, Tim it’s not okay what Bruce did.” Tim blinked. “He shouldn’t have been using you as an emotional crutch, or a doll that’s not okay. That’s not fair to you. You weren’t me and you shouldn’t have had to be! That’s- That’s extremely fucked up, that’s not okay. That can have serious impacts on you and your mental health and your identity! It’s- Bruce might have been grieving but he was an adult and adults shouldn’t lean on children.”
Crack.
“Not to mention Dick, Alfred, the Justice League, Bruce had support. He had people to turn to, he willingly chose not to and instead projected his guilt and anger and grief onto you. That’s not okay, Tim.”
“No- it- I had- I signed up for that. I- I knew what I was doing when I became Robin- I knew it was part of the job. I- I wanted to help.” Tim stuttered, he knew that was part of the job when he agreed to be Robin, he- he hadn’t wanted to be Robin originally but Bruce needed that! And he needed Tim, he knew that was part of the job.
“That doesn’t matter, you know why they give dolls to parents who are grieving instead of actual kids? Because that fucks kids up. The amount of identity screwing, the amount of mental distress, Tim, you have to understand that wasn’t fair to you.”
Crack.
Crack.
Crack.
Tim choked out a sob. He didn’t want to be Jason, he didn’t want to be a doll, he wanted to be Tim Drake. Wasn’t he allowed to be himself?
“Oh Tim,” Jason said and gathered him into his arms holding him close to his chest. Jason hadn’t felt pit rage in a long time, but right now he felt the green seeping into the edges of his vision. He had long since realized Bruce had grieved him and grieved him hard. He knew Tim was a key part in managing his grief. But he didn’t think he used Tim to basically pretend Jason was still with him. He knew Bruce had issues but this? This wasn’t something he thought he’d do. Grief did a lot to a person, but letting hurt someone, letting it hurt a child when you were an adult? That wasn’t something grief could excuse.
“I’m sorry.” Jason mutters as he rubs his back, Tim shaking with sobs.
“I don’t want to be you, I’m sorry, but I wanna be me. I didn’t want to curl my hair anymore, I just wanted to look like me.” Tim sobbed.
“No, it’s okay. It’s okay Tim. You should want to look like you.” Jason hushed him. “Bruce shouldn’t have made you feel like you had to look like me. You never had to be anybody but yourself.”
“I didn’t want to replace you, I didn’t mean to take your place, I didn’t even want to be Robin in the first place.” Tim hiccuped. “I just wanted to help. Alfred gave me the Robin suit, I was the only one who could help, I had to. I wanted to, but I didn’t want to be you.”
“I know,” Jason mumbled, holding him tightly. “You’re enough as you are, you have always been enough as you are. We’re going to fix this, okay? You only need to be you, Timmy. Nothing else.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”