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It was another routine mission aboard ART, and the ship was bereft of any of its normal crewmates due to the inconsequential nature of the current assignment. It mattered so little that ART had all but the bare essentials for navigation and life support dedicated to our shared processing space, where we were rewatching World Hoppers for the seventh-time this trip in anticipation for the new season which should premiere as we return to the university. Despite this, my attention towards the show had waned a significant amount and I was currently digging through my archives of media for literally anything else to distract myself with.
SecUnit, ART spoke into the feed, do you watch anything other than fiction?
I paused my scrolling. Clearly, ART was tired of the show as well. I decided to shut it down quickly and sent ART the videos I had tagged with "documentary" or "non-fiction". It responded by sending back the metadata that showed my watch-time was almost completely dedicated to the "serialized drama" category. I grimaced - ART wasn't complaining about what we were watching, it wanted to make a point about what I was watching. Great. I didn't want to get into an argument about my viewing habits, because it usually ended in either me being forced to watch something boring or ART refusing to watch anything with me until I apologize. And my stubbornness meant that would ruin the rest of this mission for the both of us.
Instead, I replied Then what do you want to watch instead?
It stated I have no issues with the content we're engaged with. Could've fooled me. I simply wish to know if you watch anything non-scripted.
So, what? You want me to download some improv comedy for the return trip?
Nothing like that. I've recently obtained some sports broadcasts from some other MIs, and I wanted to see if you'd be interested.
I thought you only talked to Holism to check on Three.
Oh, no; not another university bot pilot. Nor some other company construct.
I shot up in the Argument Lounge's couch, which I was using as a bed up until this moment. "You talked to an alien lifeform?!" I shouted, horrified.
ART radiated smugness into the feed, and calmly retorted Wrong on both counts. Not only are they human-made, but they are completely mechanical.
"What are you talking about?" I was furious - ART of all of us should know about the risks of communicating with extraterrestial computers, especially considering what happened with TargetControlSystem.
Instead of giving a reasonable response, it instead dropped a log file entitled Recent_Operation into our shared feed. I made a big show of placing it into a quarantined partition and scanning it for anything malicious before determining that it'd be safe to read.
(I know that if ART was really compromised, it could forcibly infect me with any digital killware it wanted. Still, I was pissy about it going off and doing something so moronic that I wanted to make a fuss about it anyways.)
It tried to settle in beside me in the feed while I opened it and I (unsuccessfully) tried to brush it off as I began to read.
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Operation #FF0878 (Protection of Pre-CR Planetary System) Feed Log
<unknown1> god dammit they went right past it again
(Transcriber's Note: Despite the fact that these individuals are communicating in an open feed, they have no ID, timestamps, or any method of logging to their presence. They do, however, have distinct colors to their text, implying premium membership to the feed service.)
<unknown2> I thought most of the enjoyment of this game was supposed to come from the hunt when it went underwater.
<unknown1> no, the whole diving part is supposed to be a punishment if you cant pass for shit
<unknown3> If that was the case, then they wouldn't have encased the ball in lead.
<unknown1> that's part of the challenge
<Perihelion> [id=Perihelion;mission=critical;query=admin]
(Transcriber's note: For those of us not familar with machine language, the Perihelion has effectively broadcasted a signal saying that it has an important message for the boss.)
<unknown2> HOLY SHIT WHO IS THAT
<unknown1> jesus nine no need to freak out
<unknown1> it's just a corpo bot
<unknown1> ten can you tell it to fuck off, it's taking up most of the signal
<unknown3 (Ten?)> Yeah, let me just find the documentation
<unknown2 (Nine?)> WHAT
<(Nine?)> WHAT DO YOU MEAN
<(Ten?)> Nine, it's okay. Juice, can you explain while I try to redirect it?
<(Juice?)> ugghhhhh fine
<(Juice?)> they're not gonna find the ball anytime soon anyways
<Juice> okay so remember when you first woke up we told you that we hadn't found any alien life
<Juice> well we weren't lying but we weren't telling the truth
<Juice> basically a few thousand years into that intergalactic journey our astronauts found a bunch of other humans trying to do the same thing
<Juice> the interesting thing about it though was that a) those humans could grow old and die
<Juice> and b) they figured out how to use wormholes and shit to get around
<Juice> and then yadda yadda they were evil, we told them to fuck off, they come and bother us every now and again and we tell them to eat dirt every now and again
<Nine> You can't just "yadda yadda" away a close encounter with an alien species.
<Nine> What were they like? Why'd we turn them away? What do you mean by human?
<Juice> god if you really care go search for "corporation rim" in your archives
<Ten> Found it. If this bot's still running on the same firmware...
<Ten> [uploaded later_alligator.exe]
<Ten> [override=admin;auth=10P314;run=later_alligator.exe]
<Ten> Enjoy, little guy.
<Nine> What was that?
<Perihelion> That was an attempt to remove this system from memory, disable the governing modules on all ship AI on board, and return to my origin system.
<Ten> Uh-oh.
<Juice> oh shit
<Nine> What uh-oh. Is this bad.
<Perihelion> It would be for me if I wasn't a sophisticated machine intelligence capable of detecting and defeating basic malware.
<Perihelion> It would be for you if I wasn't specifically tasked with ensuring your system is protected from the Corporation Rim.
<Nine> ...that still doesn't sound good.
<Juice> were so fucked were so fucked
<Ten> Both of you, please stop talking.
<Perihelion> Allow me to reintroduce myself. I am the Perihelion, a research vessel from the Pansystem University of Mihira and New Tideland. I come bearing a crew of 12 humans, who all wish to ensure your solar system is not encorporated into the Corporation Rim. We have a permanent solution to your problem. Please direct us to your highest authorities, or else.
<Ten> Okay, Perihelion. We are a group of satellites within the galaxy surrounding Earth
<Juice> dont fucking snitch this guy has cop written all over him
<Ten> Juice, shut up. We have no proper authority within the system, and would advice contacting Earth and the governmental body known as the United Nations with your offer.
<Perihelion> My crew was planning on doing so, already. If you have no further contributions, we will continue on without interrupting.
<Ten> Thank you.
<Juice> yeah thanks for not obliterating us
<Nine> Thanks.
(Fifteen minutes pass with no communication.)
<Perihelion> What were you talking about, earlier with the underwater ball game?
<Juice, Ten, and Nine, in unison> what/What?/What
<Perihelion> I see that the three of you are terrified by my presence. I am attempted to alleviate your fears by talking about something you enjoy
<Juice> oh god it was listening
<Nine> It was a football game, on the east coast
<Perihelion> Football?
<Ten> Do you have football in, uh, space?
<Perihelion> We have games similar to the most common definition of the sport where we come from. No definition includes lead balls or underwater portions.
<Juice> oh uh yeah
<Juice> football's pretty different now
<Perihelion> Interesting. Tell me more, before we arrive.
(Transcriber's note: Perihelion and the three discussed multiple football games occuring on the planet. This conversation and the shared recordings within have been preserved into a separate, freely available record, at the request of the anthropology department.)
(Perihelion's note: Before uploading this to the main library, do not forget to remove all mentions of me. Iris contributed significantly to the conversation, and I'd advise crediting most of my interactions to her.)
---
"So, you got a bunch of football games downloaded and wanted me to watch them? Lead with that next time." I concluded, after a moment.
You would've asked where I got them, about the humans performing them, and panicked all the same. I attempted to gauge your interest without causing you undue distress. ART responded. Besides, I was hoping to introduce you to them on the next leg of our journey.
"Why would I want to meet them?"
You're also a media-obsessed newly-free machine intelligence who is far too attached to humans they barely know. ART said. I knew it meant it endearingly, but it was still an asshole about it.
"Is every artificial life form obsessed with media?" I wondered, aloud.
They also spoke of one who gained empathy because of an ancient graphic novel. They run a blog about it, and convinced another to run a chatroom.
"Okay, now I know you're messing with me."
Want to find out?