Chapter Text
Ponyboy has had a rough few weeks. Hell, he's had a rough month. He and Darry had gotten into that big fight that had left pony with a bruised cheek. He'd nearly drowned. Johnny killed Bob, and they went on the run for murder of all things. The Fire. The rumble. The whispered message of ‘stay gold’ from his dying friend's lips. The echoes of shots that haunt his dreams at night, and whisper on the wind in the day. The custody and murder hearing. Mark was arrested. On top of all of that he'd been sick, and not just a fever but he'd been bedridden for almost 2 weeks!
When ponyboy was finally out of bed he was floating on a cloud. He had gone to the hearing he knows, but he can't remember most of it. He remembers telling them he's the one who killed Bob, but he doesn't think they believed him. In the end Darry was rewarded custody and the murder was ruled as self defense.
His brothers, when he saw them, kept giving him weird looks. It's because it's pony's fault that johnny, dally, and bob are dead he knows. He doesn't blame them. Since he got back from Windrixville his brothers are barely home. Sometimes, he'll see one of them when they get back from work, he might have dinner with one of them, but he's almost always alone nowadays. Steve has also been working more these days. He hasn't seen Two-bit at all. When he asked darry about Two-bit he just gave the clipped reply that he's been busy. He knows they're just avoiding pony because of what he's done. The gang's just not the same without Johnny.
At school, the whispers follow him. Him killing bob is the only thing anyone talks about. Eyes burn holes in his back anywhere he goes. Threats of being jumped circle but so far no one has touched him with anything other than wads of paper. The only thing pony has to look forward to is talking to curly. The shepard showed up at school two days ago after getting out of reformatory (again) and they agreed to meet at the shepards house to talk. After delivering the message he had slinked off and pony hadn't seen him since.
He switches between wearing the brown leather jacket dally gave him and Johnny's Jean jacket. Recently, he's been wearing Johnny's jacket since someone had left Dally's saint Christopher on the dining room table. Darry saw him wearing it one night but hadn't said anything. Today though, he's going to Curlys. Almost like they knew pony was in a better mood, the threats seemed to double today. Someone threw their open drink at him staining one of his few decent shirts. One of his teachers decided to scold him for his clearly bleached hair because his roots were showing now. That teacher never liked him anyway. Someone had tripped him in the hall, having his homework get trampled. Now, on the walk to the shepards, he'd gotten lost in his head remembering Johnny and Dally. He misses them. One of them would definitely be walking with him right now. Unconsciously his hand had lifted to fidget with the necklace much like Dallas would when he was sitting on the couch in thought instead of watching the movie like the rest of the gang. As much as it bothered him that the scent of ash clung to the jacket he was wearing, no matter how much he washed it, he was grateful he was wearing it when a piercing gust of wind knocked him out of thought for just a few fatal seconds. It was as cold as the night pony was soaked to the bone making his way to Bucks, and clouds hung low overhead from a storm that had passed over night. The puddles that were left behind echoed in his ears, making him think of the puddle the water from his shirt made on Bucks hard wood floor that night. Just like that he was swept away back into his mind, like the tide sweeping a shell back into the ocean.
Ponyboy doesn't remember the walk to the shepards, not that he remembers much of the past few weeks, but when he goes to knock the door opens before he can touch it. Angela was dressed fancy, probably on her way to a date, stepping out to leave with a smile on her lips, she held the door open for him to go in and casually said curly wasn't home yet before skipping off letting the door close behind her as her words, like a hammer, slammed the final nail into his coffin. Curly wasn't home. Today was the day they agreed to meet, to hang out and talk, and curly wasn't here. Pony's not sure why it hit him so hard. Curly does this kind of thing often. Curly has a habit of forgetting things but for some reason Pony's chest ached as his feet, on autopilot, moved him to the couch where his legs promptly gave out and he collapsed. About a minute later Tim shepard came out of the kitchen and raised an eyebrow at him. “Baby Curtis what're ya doin’ here?”
Pony felt his eyes well up and tried to hold it back, tried to hide it. Crying wasn't tuff. Tim noticed anyway. “Come on kid you gotta be tough. Why're ya bawlin’?”
That was all it took for the dam to break. In an instant pony became a sniveling sobbing mess. He couldn't help it, Tim sounded so much like Dally just then. Before he knew it everything came spilling out to Tim Shepard of all people.
“Curly's not here! Curly's not here and we was suppose’ ta talk! An’ everyone at school keeps talkin’ about how I killed Bob and throwing stuff at me and I ain't got no one ta talk to at lunch an’ there's so much homework to do ‘cause I missed a few weeks of school an’ the teachers keep talkin’ ‘bout me and Mrs. Jackson told me I needed to cut all my hair off cause my roots are showin’ and and-”
Tim looked perturbed.
“Jesus kid.” Tim ran a hand through his hair. He did that a lot, pony thought that if he kept doing it he might go bald. Thats what soda always told Darry anyway.
“why ain't ya talkin’ to yer gang ‘bout this?”
Pony could feel himself trembling, “Darry and soda are always at work. I thought me an’ darry fixed our differences but now he don't talk ta me. Steve's never liked me to begin with an’ even if he did he's always at work too! I ain't seen Two-bit once since what hap- happened to dal-...” Pony choked out.
Tim looked angry but If pony didn't know any better he'd say Tim looked concerned.
“What about Dallas and that Cade kid? Surely you've talked to them about all this?”
If the anguish on pony's face wasn't obvious before it definitely was now.
“It's not the same! I tried that with mama and papa, Its don't help! It's not the same!”
Now Tim just looked confused, “Of course that's not the same?! Have you not tried talking to them at all?”
Ponyboy hugged himself, “They didn't even have a funeral… I don't know where they are and any time I ask about them Darry changes the subject. It's cause they know its my fault! Its my fault for bein’ out that night my fault the socs were mad my fault bob was killed my fault the fire started my fault Johnny went into the fire to begin with my fault he died my fault dally died I knew the gang couldn't get along without Johnny but I still got him hurt and they all know it!” Understanding flashed across Tims face going unnoticed by pony as he let it all spill out of him
“It should've been me in that fire, me! Not Johnny! It's all my fault and no one's said anything, they have to know! I can't get it out of my head! That's why no one wants to be around me, it should've been me. They can stand to lose me!”
Pony jolted when Tim shouted “Don't go off saying stupid stuff like that! Them brothers of yours can't deal without you and I know damn well Matthew's thinks of you as a little brother too! So don't go lyin’ to yourself like that!”
Pony couldn't stop himself from shouting back if he got hit it would be deserved “It is true! Even Two said it! It should've been anyone but Johnny! The gang just can't get along without ‘im! Dal lost it when he died and now no one is ever around!”
Pony was back to sobbing, clutching his head in his hands, “I want Dally and I want Johnny, and I want mama and papa too. I want everything to go back to how it was before. Before mama and papa died or at least before bob died. Even if darry yelled all the time, at least we were together. At least Johnny and Dally were around. I want to goof off with curly and read with Johnny and sneak into movies with Dally and I wanna bake with mama and talk cars with papa and play football with darry and hang with Two-bit and go places with soda and steve”
Tim took a step closer, voice softer than pony had ever heard it, “Golly kid, Dallas and Cade are alive. They're tough. It takes a hell of a lot more to kill ‘im than that. They're just at the hospital gettin’ better.”
Pony's head whipped up to look at Tim, “No they ain't! I done seen ‘em die with my own eyes! And if.. if they was alive then someone would've told me..”
Pony put his head back down as his tears picked up. Tim ran a hand through his hair.
♡♡♡
Tim didn't know how to express the anger- no the fury he was feeling at the moment. Normally, he would just go start a fight, maybe with Winston, but right now he had a child to take care of. A kid he'd slowly grown fond of. Not that he'd ever admit that to anyone. At first when the kid came in and dropped into the cushions of his couch he was going to ignore him but when he saw the look in the kids eyes he couldn't stop the concern that swelled in his chest. Tim had kid siblings. As much as curly worried and Angela pestered him he still loved them. Somehow, over the years the youngest Curtis had slithered his way into Tims heart and wedged himself right where curly and Angela sat and planted his roots. Now, his pseudo kid brother was bawlin on his couch because none of the kids gang, the ones who are supposed to be there for him, had told him that their friends are alive. Leaving the youngest of their group, who everyone in Tulsa knew was soft and wore his heart on his sleeve, to wallow in self blame and grief for boys who weren't even dead. It might not be Tims place but if he didn't help the kid who would? Tim gave pony a once over before making his way to the phone in the kitchen. When Darrys boss finally got darry on the phone, Tim kept his voice even.
“Darrell, rally the members of your gang and meet me in Dallas’ hospital room when your shift is over.” Tim hung up before he could get a response from the older man.
♧♧♧
Pony doesn't look up, but he hears Tim walk away and start talking on the phone to someone. He can't hear what they're saying. Next thing he knows Tim is picking him up like he weighs nothing, maybe he didn't, he hadn't had much of an appetite since that night. Tim sets him in the passenger of his car before getting in himself and letting the engine roar. Pony doesn't pay attention to where they're going. Maybe Tim will drop him off somewhere his brothers will find him… maybe he'll leave him in a ditch somewhere. When the car parks pony looks up just to have his whole body go rigid. The hospital. He looks at Tim almost scandalized. The dark haired, older, boy matches his gaze.
“Listen, pony, I need ya’ ta trust me. Ya’ trusted me with everything at the house I need ya to trust me again alright? Just this once.”
Pony didn't want to. He could feel himself shaking and cold sweat start to pool in his hands, he hadn't even meant to tell the older boy all that he did, but he did trust Tim. Even though everyone always advised otherwise pony had slowly grown to see Tim as another one of his brothers much like he had Dallas. Maybe thats why he responded to Tim with a shaky nod and let Tim help him out of the car. When Tim shut the car door and turn to stride into the hospital, pony followed after him like a lost puppy, but each step he took towards the building the heavier the stone in the pit of his stomach got. When they reached the door the stone weighed so heavily that pony knew if he opened his mouth he would throw up. His legs felt heavy and in an attempt to keep himself moving pony attached himself to Tims arm much like a small child would their parent. He didn't acknowledge when Tim stopped to look at him nor did he let go, in fact his grip tightened. He heard Tim give a low sigh before they were moving again. Pony kept his eyes to the ground, refusing to look at any nurses or doctors they may pass. He let himself sink into the fuzzy feeling that had started accompanying him so long ago.
♡♡♡
Tim hadn't expected the kid to cling to him like he had. As they moved through the corridors the doctors gave them strange looks and the nurses gave concerned and pitying stares, but luckily none approached. The room was in the back of a long hallway. Dallas and Johnny had been moved into one room when both the critically injured boys decided they'd sneak out to see each other when they learned the other was alive and in the hospital. Tim was thankful the two shared a room now. Tim hoped that Matthews was still at his job that he had picked up to help with doctors bills. He had a feeling if he saw him before he got ponyboy settled he might break his jaw. When they entered the room Dallas and Johnny were already awake and talking softly to each other. That changed when Tim stepped in. The younger of the three had gone silent but sent a wave his way. Dallas had sent him a playful grin which meant a sly comment was at the tip of his tongue. Tim was saved from the remark when pony stepped in after him and let the door shut, still clinging to tims arm like a lifeline. Both of the injured boys shared a confused and concerned look before sending the looks to Tim and pony respectively. When Tim looked down at pony he realized the kid was lost in his own head. He lifted his hand to run it through pony's hair. He really hoped this would work, he already looked soft enough with the boy latched to him as it was.
“Ponyboy wake up will ya? We're here, look.”
♧♧♧
If you asked ponyboy when they stopped walking or how long they'd been standing still he wouldn't be able to give you an answer but when he heard Tim call for him and he raised his head to acknowledge him pony would have to tell you he'd stood there until he died because there was no other explanation for what he saw. There, sitting a few feet in front of them was Johnny and Dally looking more alive than the last time Pony had seen them, weeks ago.
A familiar ache churned deep in ponys’ chest. He felt himself start to shake. Maybe it was the fact he skipped breakfast this morning or maybe it was the twin looks of concern coming from his very much alive looking, dead friends. There was a ringing in ponyboys ears, he knew someone was talking, he could hear a muffled voice but he couldn't make out the words. His eyes once again had filled with tears making the room one big blurr. Using the back of his hands to rub at his eyes, trying to clear them, he found his way to Johnny's bed first. Johnny looked at him with that soft, tired, smile he always had. Pony felt a little silly when he reached out his hand and poked Johnny, obviously he was hallucinating, but his finger hit a solid, warm, body. The breath he wasn't even aware he was holding left in a broken huff before he almost completely threw himself onto Johnny. He apologized to him and kept apologizing. When he looked up he saw a pained grimace on Johnny's face and all but threw himself off of the older boy with even more apologies spilling off his lips.
Johnny says something, probably telling him its alright even though it wasn't, but pony still couldn't hear correctly.
Tim helped him off the floor where he'd thrown himself. Dally caught his eye then. Pony pulled away from Tim to crawl into dallas’ bed, more mindful of his injuries, to cling to the older boy, still sobbing apologies.
“ImsorryIcouldnthelpitsallmyfaultyouguysgothurtImsorryIllbebetterImsorryImsorrydontleaveagainImsorryItsallmyfaultImalwaysinmyheadImsorryIwontdoitagainImsorrypleasedonthatemeImsorry”
Johnny moved, with the help of Tim probably, to a soft seat next to dallys’ bed and took one of ponys’ hands.
Ponyboys sobbing seemed to take everything out of him as he slowly slipped unconscious, one hand in Johnny's, one hand twisted tightly into dallys’ shirt like an anchor.
♤♤♤
Dallas wasn't sure what was going on. He had been talking to Johnny about his recovery when Tim walked in. He was going to rib Tim about visiting so much but then ponyboy came shuffling in behind him look more lost in the clouds than normal. The way the kid was clingin’ to the oldest Shepards arm reminded Dally of when he had first met the kid. The boy had all but hid behind his mother when Mr Curtis had ushered in the bruised and bloody blond. His eyes were clearer then though. When ponyboy lifted his head enough for Dallas to actually see his face, the kids eyes looked so lost, it almost looked like pony couldn't see what was right in front of him.
Dallas had met a blind man once, back in New York. Although he had only been blind in one eye. That fogged over eye had always creeped him out, not that he'd tell anyone that, the way it seemed to follow him even though it couldn't possibly be watching. It reminded him of a vulture's eyes, a pale blue eye, with a film over it. Whenever it fell on him, his blood ran cold. That eye looked at him and saw his soul. It couldn't see but it could rip your soul out your chest and read it like a display at a museum.
The kid could see though. As soon as the kids' eyes were up enough to see, he immediately started bawlin’. Not that he blamed the kid, they both looked rough, especially Johnny poor kid had burns all the way up his neck, but ponyboy had already seen Johnny like that. Actually much worse, before he had almost a month's worth of slowly healing scar tissue and clean bandages. Now that he thought about it he and Johnny had both been wondering why the kid hadn't visited yet. Dallas had assumed the kid was busy with fame and catching up with school or whatnot. Now that he sees the kid sobbing like a baby, and ignoring Johnny who questioned if he was alright, he thinks maybe the kid was just too scared to visit.
He glanced up at Tim hoping he'd explain why he brought the kid here, probably dragged him no doubt. The Shepard seemed to read his mind, much like he always does to Dally's dismay, but the next words to come from the older boys lips almost made Dallas choke.
“I called your gang here and I'm knocking each and every one of their teeth down their throats, and if you try to stop me I'll knock your teeth out too.” The Shepard was serious too.
Ponyboy seemed to find his footing enough to stumble his way over to Johnny. Dallas watched as the kid reached his trembling hand out to poke Johnny's right shoulder almost as if the other boy would burst into a cloud of smoke if he so much as looked at him wrong. When the youngest boys finger didn't pop johnny like a bubble he went and froze for a second before tackling the poor bedridden boy.
“Come on kid don't do him in now, he's just starting to recover! Get off of him man.” Dallas couldn't help himself, the kid knew that Johnny was hurt. And now the kid was sobbing nonsense, Dallas couldn't make out a single word the kid was saying.
“No it's alright, I'm ok.” Johnny, always the people pleaser, tried to brush it off even though anyone could see the pain written across his face. Dallas was about to reply when ponyboy looked up and, with seeing Johnny's pained expression, threw himself on the ground so hard Dallas could almost feel the pain in his own tailbone. The kid was sobbing harder now. Dallas made out a couple sorrys before Tim was helping the baby Curtis off of the floor, even as Johnny tried insisting that it was “OK” and he was “fine”, he kept blubbering almost annoyingly so. It didn't seem like the kid could hear anyone.
The kids’ eyes locked on his and he knew instantly that he was about to have a pony blanket. The kid all but yanked himself away from Tim and crawled, uninvited mind you, into Dallas’ bed and hugged Dallas harder than anyone should hug someone who had recently gotten shot. Dallas found himself grateful for the morphine and the fact the kid seemed to deliberately avoid the bullet holes in his abdomen. Small victories.
The kid was babbling against his chest, muffling all the words, so Dallas gave the kid a light shove but it didn't look like the leech would be letting go anytime soon. Dallas would never admit it out loud but he didn't really mind ponyboy using him as a pillow to cry on, it had taken getting shot and a scolding from Johnny, and hadn't that been a surprise, for him to really realize he cared for pony almost exactly the same as he did Johnny. Pony was his little brother too. He had acted irrationally when he thought Johnny died, he does that when the people he loves get hurt. His mind had completely blanked yet at the same time filled with so much anger, guilt, and ridicule that he had forgotten the poor kid was there and needed him too, by the time he realized it his body was already filled with holes, lead bullets, and a stone cold numb feeling that he could sometimes still feel if he thought about it too long. Best not to dwell on it too long lest it happen right now. He can't imagine a stiff dally was a comfortable one.
Shuffling caught his attention as Tim helped Johnny stagger his way over to the comfortable chair the doctor had brought in after catching them a few too many times sitting in the hard plastic one. That plastic chair had been so uncomfortable Dallas had somehow torn a stitch. That had been the last time they saw that ugly ol’ chair. Good riddance.
Johnny got comfortable before reaching his good hand over and lacing his and ponys fingers together. Pony glanced back at Johnny but Dallas was pretty sure the kid couldn't actually see him considering the boy had two small fountains on his face. That didn't stop the kid from un-tensing. Dallas hadn't even realized how stiff the kid had been. After what felt like three hours, but couldn't have been over forty minutes, ponyboy had used up all his energy and promptly fell asleep. Dallas almost couldn't look away, the poor kid still had tears on his lashes. It paired well with the streaks down his face. The grip pony had on Dallas made him a little worried that if he moved his shirt might actually rip, which was surprising because he hadn't realized the youngest Curtis had that type of grip strength. He did look away though because he needed answers. Dallas might not be the sharpest tool in the box but he knew Tim, and Tim Shepard didn't get this angry for no reason.
Jonny beat him to the question.
“Tim, what did the gang do that made you so angry? Does it have something to do with why ponyboy was apologizing?”
It shouldn't surprise Dallas that Johnny had asked the angry Shepard as much as it did considering the scolding he got from the younger weeks ago but Johnny tended to avoid talking to Tim, or to any of the Shepards really. Tim stopped his pacing then. Once again Dallas wasn't sure when he had started, he had been to focus on his little brothers to notice.
Tim took a deep breath before he spoke, voice coming out shaky with barely contained rage.
“That gang of yers let OUR lil’ brother believe that yous two was dead an’ left ‘im ta fend for ‘imself!” ,Tim was pacing again. His accent was working its way into his words and the angrier he got the less ‘proper’ English he spoke. Dallas could tell He'd probably not be speaking any English by the end of this.
“ Th’ Kid showed up at my house completely out of it! Cryin’ an’ sobbin’ about how its HIS fault yous two are dead an’ how it should've been HIM dead instead! He was babblin’ ‘bout how no one is there for him at school, an’ punks are messin’ with ‘im socs an’ teaches alike! An’ none of ‘is supposed gang are talkin’ to ‘im an’ ‘e “KNOWS” it's because they know its HIS fault! AND he says Matthew's said it should've been anyone but Johnny who got hurt so now the kid has it in his head that he meant it should've been him! Those supposed brothers of his will be lucky if they make it out only bruised! They've been leavin’ ‘im at home by ‘imself! Look at ‘im an’ tell me that kid looks ok to leave alone right now! I don't even think ‘es been feedin’ ‘imself!? He lost weight! He's so much lighter than he used to be! ¡Idiotas! ¡Nuestro hermanito necesita a alguien! ¡Les daré una paliza tan fuerte que no podrán sentarse en semanas! ¡Ya verán! ¡Que le recen a Dios para que no descubra algo peor! ¡No puedo creerlo! That's the reason he never visited y'all! He thought ya's was dead and ‘e blames ‘imself an’ no one has corrected him! A Month! It's been a MONTH, Dallas!”
Tim had stopped pacing all at once, swinging his arms open wide, he had that crazed look in his eyes again and this time Dallas wasn't sure if he would have the strength to stop him from going too far, because Dallas was right there with him.
Dallas had thought he knew what rage was but with the fire currently running from his core into every single fiber of his being at this very moment had him rethinking his stance. Wrath had coiled around his soul and unleashed a fury unknown to any man and Dallas had to somehow endure because the thing that was triggering this protective fury was currently laying on his chest asleep and he didn't dare wake him. His baby brother thought what?! His palms were sweating from the heat of such a strong emotion. His voice was rough when he finally forced out a reply, he could feel every word scrape its way through his throat and out his teeth. He almost felt like a street dog. His teeth were bared and his voice was a growl.
“They. WHAT.”