Chapter Text
10/17 - Night
Seven wilted flowers lay at Tohru's feet, lined together on the ground beneath the window that served as Natsuno's makeshift gravesite. Holding up his hand, he turned over the eighth flower between his fingers before putting the shriveled stem on the ground, joining the solemn procession before him.
Why do people offer flowers to the dead? he had wondered. And tonight, looking at each offering, reflecting on every sentiment that had died on his lips before he could convey it in words, he thought he finally understood the answer.
"I'm sorry, Natsuno. This is the last time."
The number of lives he took grew steadily with each passing week. But even as the weight of each death mounted and pressed on his shoulders, threatening to shatter him, he hadn't stopped. He'd kept going, decades of life exchanged for the sake of surviving a few more nights.
"Even after all this...I guess I still want to live."
Tohru could do nothing but acknowledge the grave in front of him one more time before moving on from his guilt—to accept that he was a murderer, that he'd killed his best friend, and that there was no going back from the path he'd taken.
All he had left to say was his last farewell.
Goodbye, Natsuno.
Yet no matter how hard he tried, the words would get caught in his throat, and he couldn't bring himself to say that simple sentence aloud.
He imagined the expression Natsuno might've made if he could see him now; if he'd been standing by the flowers, just an arm's length away. Maybe he'd give him a look of understanding, tinged with sadness at the person he'd become by reaching that decision.
Or maybe he would face Tohru and only see a stranger staring back.
Tohru's eyes flitted up to the bedroom window, blinking back tears. "...Natsuno, I spoke to Sunako yesterday. When she told me her story, I understood that she just wants to survive like I do, despite all the awful things I've done. The awful things I'll continue to do. Over time, it'll get easier to accept. Someday, I might even think that your death couldn't be helped, or that it wasn't important...but it's terrifying to think that I could change so much."
"I don't want to—I can't—keep going like this, but what choice do I have? What am I supposed to do now?" His hands curled into fists, but he knew there would be no response, no one to give him an answer. "If...if you were still here, you'd have a plan. You'd know exactly what to do, because unlike me, you always stayed true to yourself. And more than anything...I want to find that strength, too."
"So," a cold reply came from above, "are you ever going to look for it?"
Tohru's eyes widened in astonishment, his head shooting upwards to search for the source of that painfully familiar voice, doubt warring with desperation.
It can't be him. It's impossible. He's dead. He was sent to the city; he can't revive.
He can't be alive. He's alive. He's alive—
Wordlessly, Tohru's gaze met steely violet eyes in the gloom, staring incredulously at the figure in the red coat sitting on top of a branch.
"N-Natsuno...?"
He kicked off his perch and jumped down, a flurry of rustling leaves stirring in the air when his feet hit the ground in front of Tohru. Natsuno threw him a silent, piercing look over his shoulder.
Elation and relief swelled in tandem in Tohru's chest. He didn't know how he'd returned, but at that moment, he didn't care. All that mattered was that his body hadn't been cremated, turned into ashes. He hadn't truly died, left as the ghost haunting Tohru's memories.
He had risen. Natsuno was alive.
"Natsuno!" Tohru cried out, shaken from his stupor. He ran forward, eager to shorten the distance and pull him into a sweeping hug, offer him every thanks and apology that he hadn't been able to say in life, and promise that he'd never, ever let him die again—
Natsuno held up a hand. He stopped in his tracks, his heart leaping into his throat.
"I don't intend to forgive the Risen, and I don't intend to forgive you, Tohru," Natsuno hissed. "You killed me!"
His withering glare crushed every hope he had in an instant. "T-That's..."
***
Eight nights ago, Tohru had stood at Natsuno's bedside, guilt gouging out his chest as he took his final chance to speak to him.
"I'm sorry."
The other boy had given him a long look, his glazed eyes closing before he responded in a thin, wispy voice. "It's fine. From the start...I had a feeling that I'd never be able to leave this village."
Tears welled up in Tohru's eyes. "Is that so..."
There was nothing else he could say. Not when they both knew what would come next.
Kneeling by Natsuno's bed, Tohru heard the sound of his weakened breaths as he leaned over, revealing his fangs and sinking them into his neck. His tears didn't stop as he took his blood, nor when he'd grown still and the room had fallen into hushed silence. Tohru didn't know how long he stayed there, quietly crying with his head buried in his arms as the body beside him grew pale and cold.
No amount of remorse he could present would change the fact that Natsuno was dead.
***
Clinging onto his last words, Tohru had convinced himself that wherever Natsuno had gone, he would've accepted his actions with the same kindness he'd shown by leaving the window open for him that final night. Anything to ease the overwhelming regret that had plagued him since that moment. But now that Natsuno had revived and could think clearly, it was no surprise that he wouldn't be so merciful. Tohru could give as many excuses as he wanted, but it was pointless to hide behind them.
Natsuno had every reason to despise him.
Left without a rebuttal, he drew into himself, shoulders falling into a hunch. "That's true....it's true that I killed you. I know I can't make up for it, but if there's anything I can do, anything at all—"
"Just give me information. About the revived in general, and whatever Tatsumi and the others are planning. Tell me what they're going to do to the village."
"If I do that, and they find out I told you everything..." Tohru shuddered. "Are you going to join us? You're not, right?"
"Who knows? I want to hear what you say before I make a choice."
It's fine. It'll be fine. This is the least I can do for him, Tohru assured himself, trying to ignore the dread creeping down his spine at the thought of doing something that would almost certainly get him killed if the Kirishikis found out. Even if I know he's already made up his mind.
Haltingly, he began with details he thought Natsuno was already aware of to some extent: how Shiki fed from and controlled humans, their strengths and weaknesses, the Jinrou that supervised the rest of them, and the overarching goal that the residents of Kanemasa chased unyieldingly. When Natsuno continued to wait in silence, Tohru hastily kept going with knowledge that wasn't meant to be shared so openly, hoping for some sort of—any kind of—reaction: the Shiki's tactics to lower suspicion and obfuscate the village's true death toll, the seemingly abandoned parts of the village that served as their hideouts, and the current state of affairs along with the continued lack of real opposition aside from him and Doctor Ozaki.
Eventually, Tohru ran out of things to say, his words petering off into the stillness of the night. "I've told you everything I know. More or less."
"...So that's how it is," Natsuno said impassively, leaning back against a tree.
Though he was never the most expressive person on the surface, Tohru vividly remembered the way Natsuno's face would scrunch up slightly when he was irritated, or how his brows would furrow when he was confused, or the small half-smile that'd tug at his mouth when he was pleased. When he peered at his face now and saw nothing but stony indifference, anxiety stirred at how—for the first time in a very long time—he didn't have the slightest clue what Natsuno was thinking.
And he had no one to blame for that but himself.
"What are you going to do now?" Tohru asked, trying to hide his nervous anticipation of the answer.
Natsuno's gaze briefly shifted over to him. "Take a guess."
His tone was flat, but Tohru caught the thread of animosity slipping past his eyes.
"Wait—Natsuno, you can't be serious," he began, words tumbling out in a panicked ramble. "Even with that information, you're still just one person against an entire group of Shiki, nevermind how unbelievably strong the Jinrou are. Did you know that they punish people by leaving them out in the day so that they burn and heal over and over again, for hours and hours? Or, even worse—they'll tie you to a tree until you're nothing but a charred husk. If they catch you, it won't matter that you're one of us now. Please, please don't tell me you're going to try and stop the Kirishikis on your own."
The stubborn set of Natsuno's jaw was the only answer Tohru needed.
Because he's underestimating them. He hasn't seen what they're willing to do firsthand the way I have.
"They might not know you've revived, but what if I tell them that you did? What will you do then?"
Natsuno gave him a measured look. "Are you going to?"
Tohru opened and closed his mouth before sharply lowering his gaze. Deep down, he couldn't stand the thought of hurting him again. He racked his brain, trying to think of what he could say that could possibly convince him. "—Your parents. If the Kirishikis find out what you're doing, they'll target your family."
Natsuno narrowed his eyes. "Do you think I haven't considered that? You're wasting your time."
Left without any other options, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Then...then...let me help you! I have no idea how, but if you want to stop them from killing all the humans in Sotoba, I'll help."
"Go ahead and do whatever you want," Natsuno replied dismissively. "Answer this first, though—why do you kill humans if you hate it so much? You can't fully drain somebody in one bite in the first place."
***
"Can't you co-exist with humans?" Natsuno had shouted, running through the woods behind his house as Tohru chased after him.
"Why can't you stop attacking humans? If you explained things clearly, there's bound to be someone who'd be willing to give fresh blood to you! Won't the amount of blood go back to normal after a few days? Why do you have to attack us?!"
The fear gripping Tohru's heart, and the endless craving for blood in his stomach, had long convinced him that there was no other choice.
***
"I remember that a while ago, you told me something similar," Tohru said somberly. "You said that if we had just asked, maybe we would've been able to feed without hurting anyone. I...don't think a peaceful resolution like that is possible anymore. If it was ever possible at all."
"At this point, it's impossible," Natsuno agreed. "I'm only saying that you don't need to exclusively feed on one person until they die to survive."
"Well, that's how we're supposed to get blood each night...and it minimizes the risk of getting discovered by the villagers...and..."
"You're afraid of getting caught by Tatsumi and the others."
Tohru hung his head, burning with shame. "...Yeah."
"Then, if you're not willing to step over that line," Natsuno began, crossing his arms, "what makes you think I'd believe you're willing to outright oppose the Kirishikis?"
Frustrated, Tohru threw his hands up. "Fine—what do you want me to do, then? I'm serious when I say that I don't like what I'm doing, and I wish I could help in a meaningful way, but what exactly am I going to get done by rebelling besides getting myself killed? And then my family, except unlike me, they've done nothing to deserve it!"
"I can't make you do anything, Tohru, and I get that there's no easy solution, but what do you think is going to happen to Sotoba at this rate?" Natsuno snapped. "Your family's going to be wiped out, and so will everyone else, because they're not going to stop until every last person in this damn place is either a rotting corpse or a walking one. But there's no point in telling you that. I'm sure you know already, even if you're ignoring it until there's so many bodies on the ground that you can't turn the other way anymore. Stay on the fence if you won't commit to a side, but it's no different from accepting that this village is going to die out."
Tightening his jaw, Tohru couldn't help but feel a white-hot flash of envy towards Natsuno. As precarious as his position was, unlike Tohru and the rest of the Shiki—always under the watchful eyes of Kanemasa—he was free to do as he pleased. Yet Tohru had a hunch that even if that hadn't been the case, it wouldn't have stopped him.
But I'm not that brave. What can someone like me accomplish?
At a loss for words, Tohru caught his eyes.
"I have nothing else to say to you," Natsuno said, looking away in contempt. "Don't bother coming back."
Tohru clenched his fists, his voice dropping to a low, deflated murmur. "...Okay. Good night, Natsuno."
The forest air was silent as he reluctantly turned around and walked away, save for the crunch of brittle leaves and branches beneath his dragging steps.
What should I do?
Can I really accept the way things are now? And how they'll be in a short while...?
No matter how far he went, Tohru couldn't push those thoughts out of his mind.