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"I bet you wish I'd never even been born!"
Aly regrets saying it the second it leaves her mouth. She knows there was a pregnancy before Thom, and that she and her siblings were born unusually late. Years of combat can't have been conducive to bearing children successfully.
"That's not true," Alanna says quietly. She doesn't seem angry or hurt at all, oddly.
Instead, she draws Aly into a stiff hug. Aly is surprised, as always, to realize that even at thirteen she is taller than her mother. It's an odd feeling.
She sighs and hugs back. "I know, ma, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up old memories. I was just…"
"You were just lashing out at your mother, like teenage girls do?" Alanna says. Aly would appreciate the dry humor in her voice, if it weren't directed at her. She pulls back from the hug and studies Aly for a moment, lips pursed. "I'll tell you a secret, now that you're older."
"A secret? Like da's secrets?"
Aly loves secrets. She hates being left out of things, especially where her family is concerned. And Alanna is almost always a closed book.
"A secret about me and your father."
Alanna fingers the chain around her neck that Aly knows holds the ember stone and her golden pregnancy charm, a twin to the one Aly now wears. The gift had been a humiliating one, on top of the humiliation of her first monthlies, but after having had a few months to get used to it Aly likes knowing that she and her mother now share something that her brothers don't.
"Before I tell you, you have to trust me, Aly." Alanna's gaze is more serious than Aly has ever seen it, which is saying something. "Never for a moment have I regretted giving birth to you."
"Lass, are you sure about this?"
George's words are gentle, his big hands careful where they rest on her trembling shoulders, and Alanna knows, more so than ever, that she made the right choice in marrying him. Perhaps she wouldn't have been in this position if she had chosen Jon instead, but since she is, there's no one she'd rather have at her side for it than George Cooper.
"I'm sure." She squares her shoulders, shrugging off his hands, and turns to smile at him. "Jon will see sense. And I trust him to do it more than I trust anyone else."
"Oh, I know he's the best man for the job. I just don't have your confidence in his common sense," George says, brows lifted in that curious way Alanna loves, the expression that could indicate a joke if one didn't know him the way she does. He's worried for her.
She knows her grin looks dangerous. "I'm confident that I can make him see sense."
"That's my girl."
George stands back as Alanna raps smartly on the door to Jon's study and opens it without waiting for an answer, and he stays a pace behind her as they enter the room. His posture, and his place at her heels, say clearly that he is there in support and—if necessary—defense. This is her decision.
Jon looks up as Alanna nears his desk, surprise clear on his regal face. The beard he is slowly growing out ages him, makes him statelier and majestic. Alanna privately hates it.
"Alanna. To what do I owe the pleasure? I thought you and—" he catches sight of George behind her, an uncharacteristically quiet and stoic presence. "You two aren't due back from the Swoop for another five days. I told you to take time off and relax. I can run the kingdom without my Champion for two weeks."
"What about nine months?"
Jon blinks at her, uncomprending. Then his face splits into a wide grin. "Alanna, that's wonderful. How long have you known? I'll tell Raoul; he'll be happy to fill in for you until you're fit to fight again, and of course Thayet will want to compare notes—how far along are you?"
Alanna waits until he has finished, beaming at her, before she drops the news.
"I'm getting rid of it. And I want you to do it."
Jon's eyes, wide with shock, flick momentarily to George. Alanna grits her teeth. This is why she and Jon never would have worked. George trusts Alanna to know her own body, her own best interests. Jon thinks her husband should have a say.
George places a discreet hand on her hip, a caution against any ill-thought out words, and shrugs. "She thinks you're the best man for the job, and I agree. We're not ready, Jon, you know that."
"But… you could be." Jon sounds lost, confused. In this moment, he is less like the king he has become and more like the boy Alanna left brokenhearted in the desert. "After all, Thayet and I…"
"Thayet is your queen," Alanna interrupts. She does not manage to do it gently. "Her duty is to bear your heirs. My duty is to serve as your Champion, and I can't do that if I'm pregnant. It's still early so it should be easy enough, or I would have gone to Eleni."
"And Eleni would try a lot harder to talk you out of it than I will," Jon says, smiling crookedly.
For all his faults, at the end of the day Alanna can always trust Jon to let her do what she thinks is best. It may put them at odds for a while, but he knows better than to argue with her about her own choices.
He gives in with a sigh. "How did it happen?"
"Thayet accidentally nicked my pregnancy charm sparring. I didn't notice."
"How do you know it was an accident?" Jon waves away the thought with a short laugh, already on to the heart of the matter. "It's simple in theory, but I'll have to ask Numair about a few of the particulars. Are you sure you wouldn't rather have him do it?"
"Numair is more likely to explode my uterus if he tries," Alanna says drily, and Jon's laughter is genuine now. All has been smoothed over.
"I can't say you're wrong to worry about that." Jon hesitates, grimacing. "Is it uncouth to say I'm relieved? It makes me uneasy, of course, but… I'm glad not to have to lose you as Champion."
"Not at all. You're stuck with me until I decide to retire," Alanna says.
George laughs and finally steps forward, pulling her into a sideways hug. "You'll never retire, lass. When you're ready to get pregnant and stay pregnant we'll have to tie you to the bed for the poor little thing's own safety."
Aly tugs nervously at the chain of her pregnancy charm. The thought that it could fail makes her anxious. She doesn't plan to have sex any time soon, of course, but if she did… Her mother could do it, she realizes. Or her uncle Jon, or uncle Baird, or any number of the adults who care about her. Just not uncle Numair, apparently.
Alanna is watching her, waiting for her to say something. Aly doesn't know what answer her mother wants.
"So… when you had Thom and Alan and me…"
"That was on purpose." Alanna pauses, thoughtful. "Well, twins was a surprise. But a good one. I wasn't ready for a baby, then. I wouldn't have been a good mother."
There is an awkward pause where Aly's unspoken retort of you aren't a good mother would usually land, but Aly can't bring herself to say it even in anger. It's never been true, and especially not right now.
There is still one thing bothering Aly.
"You wanted a baby. Not me. Maybe you'd have been happier if it was just Alan."
For a second, Alanna looks like she might cry. Then she purses her lips, sighs deeply, and closes her eyes. "I'll tell you another secret. One not even your da knows."
Aly can't quite believe her ears. A secret her ma has kept from da? She didn't think her parents had any secrets between them. And Alanna wants to share it with Aly?
"I won't tell," she promises. "I swear. Even if they torture me, I won't tell."
Alanna shakes her head ruefully. "You are too much your father's daughter. You have to understand, I never told him because after a while it didn't matter anymore. But he wanted a baby girl so badly."
"You knew?" Aly says, wondering. To her, Alanna is just ma. She forgets, sometimes, how powerful her mother's Gift is.
"Somehow, yes. I didn't with the rest of you, but that one… I knew it would have been a girl. I always hoped I'd have another." Alanna's eyes are wet with tears, Aly realizes with a start. Her mother never cries. "You were such a wonderful surprise, Alianne."
Aly swallows down the lump in her throat. "Thanks, ma."
They'll fight again; that's just how the two of them are. But they have a secret together now, too.