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At fifteen, nine months, and twenty days old, Dorcas's life changed forever. A giant fist grabbed the earth and shook everything out of place. The trees, the houses, the people all scrambled, and as a result, Marlene tipped from the rock on which she stood, hitting her head on the rough surface. Looking at her now, Dorcas could still see the wound on her head. A scar. Jagged from her temple down to her jaw. Beautiful.
Marlene McKinnon was Dorcas's best friend. She’d been so since Dorcas was five years old and their families had cabins near each other by the forest, by the ocean. Their families grew so close, that Dorcas's mum and dad took in Marlene after her parents’ death last summer.
Dorcas, her parents, and Marlene had gone to the McKinnon's cabin briefly after their passing. Now it was no longer theirs, because there was no them. It was sold, and there was only her. Their daughter. Marlene. Always her. She was always there, always had been. But at the time, the cabin had still been theirs, and Dorcas, her parents, and Marlene had been there. Inside the walls, then outside them.
They'd gone through the forest, all four of them. Marlene. She’d carried them, her parents, in her hands. She wanted to spread them on the water where her parents had always felt a calling to.
“My parents belong here,” she told Dorcas at five, ten, and fifteen. “By the water. It speaks to them, lulls them in. I’m the same. I could spend an eternity here.”
“I wanna spend it with you,” Dorcas assured her at five, ten, and fifteen. “We could be mermaids.”
“I’d be a faster swimmer than you,” Marlene said each and every time. She hadn’t told Dorcas that for a very long time. Neither of them had felt the calling of the ocean for what seemed like eons. Not since that day when Dorcas was fifteen, nine months, and twenty days years old. When the world shook, and a girl fell, hitting her head as she tried to spread the ashes of her parents. She never got to. The box stayed sealed as she fell, stayed in her grasp as she slammed her head on stone.
It took months before Marlene got better. First there was the coma, then the rehabilitation, the speech-therapy which still was a work-in-progress. Words rarely fell from Marlene’s mouth, and when they did, they dove to the ground like hail, harsh and rough. Dorcas didn’t mind. It meant she got to hear Marlene speak.
Now they were in the car, a new box with them which the ashes had been transferred to. Ready to try again.
Marlene was silent during the drive as she always was. Dorcas's mum was in the front seat, casting glances back at them through the rearview mirror. She had a wrinkle between her brows. She always had that lately. Dorcas's dad hadn’t come with them today. He had work. Important stuff. Too important stuff to help spread the ashes of people he had considered friends. He’d been different for a long time, too.
“Are you sure of this?” Dorcas's mum asked for probably the thousandth time.
“Yes, Mum,” Dorcas said testily, rolling her eyes.
Marlene gave a small nod, hair failing over her scar with the movement. The sun from the window filtered through her hair strands like a delicate comb.
They reached the cabin fifteen minutes later, the gravel crunching beneath the car’s tires. The car doors slammed loudly as they stepped out of the car. The wind was stronger here, tearing at Dorcas, calling for her lowly for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime. The salt was tangible on her tongue.
Dorcas was holding the box with Marlene’s parents’ ashes. Marlene hadn’t grasped it upon stepping out of the car. The last time she’d carried them, the world had shaken and changed forever.
They went into the house quietly. Marlene and Dorcas sat down at the dining table. Dorcas placed the box with ashes before herself, wanting to keep it close to Marlene. It was a part of her.
Dorcas's mum started cooking the dinner, playing a soft playlist on her phone. Some musical's soundtrack. A year ago, Dorcas would have been surprised to find Marlene not singing along, but now she just enjoyed her presence. There. Always there. Dorcas zoned out, looking at her.
When Dorcas's mum finished the dinner, she placed two bowls of pasta on the table. One for Dorcas, one for herself. Her chair scraped as she pulled it out, sitting down and beginning to eat. Dorcas looked at her own food confusedly, then at Marlene. In this light, her hair looked slightly darker.
Marlene caught Dorcas's gaze. “I don’t have an appetite.”
“Oh,” Dorcas let out, my gaze lingering on her. “Okay.”
“So, tomorrow,” Dorcas's mum said, pulling Dorcas's attention to her, “we’ll go to the beach and spread the ashes. Does that sound good?”
Marlene and Dorcas both nodded.
“Eat, Cas,” Dorcas's mum instructed. “You can’t go to sleep on an empty stomach.”
Dorcas wanted to ask why Marlene could do that, but not her, but then again, Dorcas wasn’t the one who’d have to spread her parents’ ashes in the morning. It made sense for Marlene to get special treatment.
Dorcas ate her food.
They'd arrived at the cabin late, so once dinner was eaten and they'd watched a film, Marlene and Dorcas bid Dorcas's mum good night, and they went upstairs to Dorcas's room. Marlene had her own separate room in the cabin, but she’d never used it. Even at home, where she had a room, they slept together in the same bed every night. They liked to be close. At five, at ten, at fifteen.
Dorcas was carrying the box of ashes, clutching it to her chest in a desperate hug. When they entered here room, their room, she placed it delicately on the nightstand. Dorcas looked out the window, at the top of the trees, at the water further out on the horizon. Calling, calling, calling. It was louder in Dorcas's room, compared to what it’d been like when she stood next to her mum.
We could be mermaids.
I’d be a faster swimmer than you.
A sound—the clearing of a throat—from behind Dorcas made her turn. Marlene was standing by the door; arms crossed over her chest. Her already pale skin was almost translucent in the light from the moon. Her rich eyes were trained on Dorcas, hair falling in front of her face, the lightest shade Dorcas had ever seen it.
“What is it?” Dorcas asked.
“We should go now,” Marlene said, demanded, really.
“But Mum said—”
“Can’t you hear it, Dorcas?” Marlene asked, slow and deliberate as she moved up next to Dorcas by the window. “The waves are shouting your name.” Her fingers grazed over the box on the table. “You need to go.”
“We need to go,” Dorcas said, not finding it in herself to disagree with her. She'd follow Marlene anywhere, just like Marlene would with her. “You and me.”
The corner of Marlene's mouth tugged up gracefully, and something in Dorcas's stomach longed, ached, and wished. “I’m right by you, always. Package deal, you and me,” Marlene said.
Dorcas wet her lips, heart leaping. “Always.”
“Always.”
Sneaking out wasn’t hard. Dorcas clutched the box with ashes to her chest once again as they travelled through the cabin. Marlene was right behind her, practically breathing down her neck. Dorcas wanted her closer. Closer, closer, closer.
After pulling on their shoes and jackets, they hurried out into the air. The taste of salt was even stronger and the pull toward the ocean bigger than ever. Calling, calling, calling. They walked down the driveway side-by-side, into the forest’s darkness. They followed the same path they’d stepped upon at five, ten, and fifteen. It was a tale the trees around them had borne witness to many times. But not since Dorcas was fifteen, nine months, and twenty days old.
The darkness of the treetops swallowed them, caved in above. It was chilly, the wind strong. It guided them by hitting them repeatedly in the back. To the water, it seemed to scream. To the water!
Soon, the soil beneath their shoes turned to sand and the waves screamed.
“Are you ready, Marlene?” Dorcas asked, voice raised slightly, looking to her right at Marlene. She was staring out at the water, or more specifically, toward the small, jutting rocks that stuck up from the surface.
A girl had fallen, and Dorcas's life had forever changed.
“I never did understand why you went out there,” Dorcas whispered, clutching the box in her arms. Tighter, tighter, tighter. "You could’ve stood on the shore, couldn’t you? The wind would’ve carried them to the water regardless.”
“That’s true,” Marlene said slowly, turning to Dorcas. “But the water was calling.”
Dorcas faced her, cocking her head. First then did she realise how close they were together. Dorcas was taller than her. She’d grown an inch or two in the last year. Marlene hadn’t. She was shorter than Dorcas. Once upon a time, Marlene had been taller.
She’d been taller when Dorcas was fifteen, nine months, and twenty days old.
“Dorcas,” Marlene whispered into the breeze. The wind handed her words to the roaring ocean; the only reason Dorcas caught onto them was because she was looking at Marlene's lips. Dorcas raised her gaze, realising Marlene was looking at her mouth, as well. Mirrors of each other.
At five, ten, and fifteen Marlene had always had the spoken title of Dorcas's best friend. But in Dorcas's eyes, Dorcas's mind, she’d always been more. Something she wanted; something she craved. She wanted the ocean; Dorcas only ever wanted her, and if that meant wanting the ocean, then so be it.
Who moved first, Dorcas wasn’t sure. Maybe it was the wind, pushing them toward each other. All Dorcas knew was that their lips weren’t touching until they were and it was warm, and it was cold, and it was magnificent, and it filled her with dread.
Dorcas pulled away with a smile. It faltered when she saw that Marlene wasn’t returning it. Her gaze was locked on the box in Dorcas's hands. Dorcas pressed it toward her, to her chest.
“It’s time, Marlene,” Dorcas said, lips tingling. “It’s time to finish what you came here to do.”
“Dorcas,” Marlene whispered, looking at me with misty eyes, “I already finished what I came here to do. The last time we were here, remember?”
Dorcas frowned, letting out a confused huff. “What are you talking about?”
“Dorcas,” Marlene said more sternly, “My parents’ ashes are in the water.”
“No,” Dorcas spoke, “they’re right here.” She pushed the sealed box resolutely into Marlene's arms, letting go of it. It fell to the ground. Dorcas scrambled to pick it up, checking that the lid was still securely in place. When Dorcas met Marlene’s eyes again, her eyes bled pity.
“Dorcas,” she said again. Dorcas wished she’d say her name forever, but not like that. Not like there was something she didn’t understand. Dorcas wanted to understand Marlene. Always. Always, always, always. It was her, Dorcas's best friend whom she’d been in love with forever. Her best friend who hadn’t only been the cause for her life to change forever at fifteen, nine months, and twenty days old, but every day they’d spent together, because Marlene was larger than life and left earth quakes in her wake.
“Marlene,” Dorcas breathed, pressing her forehead to hers. “What are you saying?”
“That day,” Marlene whispered, cupping Dorcas's cheek in her hand. Her palm was cold. Then it was warm. “That day, remember it, please.”
“The day you—?”
“Yes.” Marlene nodded, a thumb brushing over Dorcas's cheek. “That day.”
Dorcas closed her eyes, trying to recall it exactly as it was. She wanted to please Marlene; she wanted to remember. “We went to the beach to spread your parents’ ashes...”
“Yes,” Marlene urged her on.
“I was...” Dorcas pressed her eyebrows together; lids shut like curtains for her eyes. “I was looking away for a moment, and the next I knew, you’d moved out onto the rocks. I called for you. I called so much. We all did, but—”
“But the ocean was louder,” Marlene breathed.
“Exactly.” Dorcas wet her lips. Her eyes were misty. Why were they misty? “Then you slid and hit your head. The waves took you.”
“No, Cas,” Marlene said. “Remember.”
A tear slid down Dorcas's cheek. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“I didn’t slide; the waves didn’t take me. I purposefully fell and gave myself to them. Do you recall?”
“No.” Dorcas shook her head quickly, heaving a breath. She stepped away from Marlene, looking at her whole body. It was right there in front of Dorcas. “But it doesn’t matter,” Dorcas continued, “because you’re here. It doesn’t matter how it happened. We need to spread your parents’ ashes.” Dorcas turned to the water, striding, but a touch to her wrist stopped her.
She turned around, snarling at Marlene, “These are your parents, Marlene. One would think you’d be a bit more eager to put them to rest.”
“They’re already in the water, Cas,” Marlene insisted again, eyes wild. Her scar on the side of her head had opened, leaking blood. Her hair was wet, drenched, soaking. So were her clothes. Dripping, dripping, dripping. Dorcas wanted to get on her knees and bury her face in Marlene's skirt, inhaling the scent of ocean. “Those are not their ashes! They’re mine.”
“No,” Dorcas said, shaking her head vigorously. “You’re here with me.”
“Am I?”
“Of course you are,” Dorcas hissed. “You always have been.”
“Dorcas, I’m dead,” Marlene said desperately. “You’re holding my ashes. You travelled up here alone with your mother to spread them, but the ocean was calling the loudest when you were alone.”
“I’m not alone!” Dorcas shouted. “You’re with me!”
“I died, Cas. I drowned.”
“No, you didn’t. You’re here. You have to be here.”
“Your dad didn’t come today because he’s in rehab,” Marlene continued, words stabbing, stabbing, stabbing. “He couldn’t take the loss of his best friends and their daughter. He started drinking to cope.”
“No, he’s working,” Dorcas said, dismissing Marlene's claims, but her heart was racing. “Everything is fine. Your parents died, but everything is fine. Yes, we’re sad, but we’re fine. We have each other.”
“Cas, I killed myself. I gave myself to the ocean with my parents. But...”
“But?” Dorcas gasped through tears that’d begun to leak down her cheeks.
“You and your family stole me back,” Marlene whispered. “You called the ambulance, remember? I got taken out of the water and announced dead by drowning. My head was bleeding. You kept shouting about how my head was bleeding. They had to hold you back from running to me.”
“That’s not true,” Dorcas said shakily, even though the gaping wound on the side of Marlene's head was right there. Taunting Dorcas, screaming the truth.
“I need to go back to the ocean, Dorcas,” Marlene insisted. “Please. It’s calling. Let me rest.”
Dorcas swallowed past a lump in her throat, memories becoming clearer in her mind as everything Marlene had said sank in.
“I can’t let you go,” Dorcas whispered, cheeks wet. “It’s always been us.”
At five, at ten, at fifteen.
“I need you.”
Tomorrow, in a year, forever.
“Come with me,” Marlene whispered. “I’ve never been here, Cas. This is all in your head. It's just yourself. I'm a fragment of your mind. So, why do you think I told you to go down here in the middle of the night, all alone?”
“Because…” Dorcas spoke slowly, frowning as realisation dawned on her, “I knew that you’d want to return to the ocean, because that is where you belong, and I went down here alone because I know...”
“Yes?”
“Because I know that I want to go where you go. It’s you. It’s always been you.”
At five, at ten, at fifteen. Tomorrow, in a year, forever. Earth shaking.
Marlene smiled. Her lips were purple. “The waves are calling.”
Dorcas turned slowly toward the water, clutching the box of ashes to her chest. Clutching, clutching, clutching. One step, two steps, three steps. Looking over her shoulder, Marlene was gone. Looking ahead, she saw nothing but waves. Beckoning, beckoning, beckoning.
We could be mermaids.
I’d be a faster swimmer than you.
The water lapped over Dorcas's shoes and she kept walking. The waves welcomed her.