Archive of Our Own ^beta

"It's not that easy, Maddie," Buck groans, face hiding against his palms.

Jee is in the living room, laughing as she plays with her little brother —an achievement in itself, honestly, that she has taken so well to being an older sister. Kind of like Maddie with Buck himself, though their situation was definitely different, direr. Worse, to be absolutely fair, but who cares. Buck doesn't, not right now. This train of thought is a distraction from his current worry.

Probably the most disastrous worry he has had in several years, if not ever, and the worst of it is that it's going to affect him for so long.

"I'm just saying!" Maddie raises her hands in a placating gesture. "If you don't ask him, you will never know!"

"I can't just go to Eddie and ask him if he wants to date me," Buck groans.

And there it is. He really hates saying it out loud.

The realization had come in the most stupid, pathetic way ever known to mankind: Ravi had pointed it out.

It can't get worse than a co-worker reading you like that. On top of all! Ravi! Fucking Ravi.

"Do you realize Hen is a lesbian, right? And married. Why would you even be jealous?" Ravi had said as they both observed how Eddie and Hen chatted and laughed at stuff Buck couldn't hear.

He hated not being part of that. He wanted to be part of it, but there was no way in hell he was going to get close and just— do what? Introduce himself into their conversation? That would be stupid. And out of place. And given Buck's current level of unfounded jealousy (as Ravi had very helpfully just pointed out, thank you Ravi) it just wasn't a good idea to do it. He would only fuck things up.

As he always did.

"It's not fair," Buck grumbled in response. "I should have been asked if I was okay with the change—"

"Oh, dude, dude, thank you, you know I'm right here, right—?" Ravi, Buck's newly assigned partner, rolled his eyes.

Not that Buck was paying enough attention. To anything except Eddie and Hen, at least. "—And I mean, I should have been told, right? I know there's not a lot of people who can do a paramedic's job, and we cannot leave Hen alone, but this seems unfair and uncalled after all these years. I could have done with a warning."

To be fair, he didn't need a warning once Chimney stepped into his new (probationary) role. The course of action was clear as day. But Buck needed to complain because it just… wasn't fair.

"Wait," after a few seconds of silence it finally hit Buck. What Ravi had said at the beginning. What the fuck had he said? "Why does it matter that Hen is a lesbian?"

"I mean—" Ravi huffed. "You know."

No, Buck didn't know, and that was the problem.

It had taken a while (several shifts) to get it out of Ravi. He had suffered Buck's constant nagging, but precisely this was one of the (few) perks their newfound mandatory partnership had: Ravi couldn't get rid of Buck, even if he really, really wanted to.

Convenient in this specific case, Buck had to accept that.

"Fine! Fine," Ravi groaned. They were on bathroom duty today. Maybe the smell of chemicals and shit helped beat the little resistance Ravi had left out of his body. "Don't say anything, okay? I don't want everyone else to fucking grill me."

"Who is everyone else?" Buck asked, only to be ignored.

Ravi sat back against the wall between the stalls with a dull thump. "We are… pretty sure you are in love with Eddie."

Buck's brain made a scratching noise. A vinyl being stopped by a not-so-great DJ, or chalk going against a blackboard in the wrong angle. Something not dissimilar to that. Uncomfortable, but inevitable.

What?

"Damn, you really had no idea," Ravi mused.

"W-what do you even mean?" Buck stuttered to Ravi's annoying poker face. "I'm not in love with Eddie."

"Sure, man."

"He's my best friend," Buck added. He felt the need to add that. It was impossible not to add it. He's had this conversation before.

"U-huh."

"God, why does everyone think I'm in love with Eddie?" Buck groaned.

"What do you mean everyone?"

Oh, how the tables had turned!

It took Ravi a couple of shifts to get it out of Buck.

"Fine! Fine," Buck accepted, some sort of déjà vu feeling flooding his body. Someone had said the q-word and Buck was at his limit, both of them sitting on the floor of a storage closet for (hopefully) a 5-minute time-out. Maybe if the q-word couldn't see them, it would leave them alone. "Do you remember when we met Tommy at that bar last year? And then he came home with me?" Ravi quickly nodded. "Well—" Better to spare Ravi the details. Buck didn't want to put that information in his hands. "He ended up admitting he thought Eddie and me would end up together."

"Oh, him too?"

Again. Too. Better to gloss over it for now if he didn't want to get very angry very quickly.

"He said that because I was living in his house! And it's not Eddie's house. He's a renter," those words made Ravi snort. "Yeah, right? Stupid. Then I mentioned it to Maddie, and she said it wouldn't be so crazy if I liked Eddie. Man, we are just… best friends. Nothing more."

"…Right," Ravi's response felt somewhat delayed. "Just— Buck, just give it a thought. Or two. For a bit."

"Huh?"

"Think if you really want to be just best friends with Eddie."

And before Buck could complain and deflect once again, the bell alerted of a new emergency.

The thing is, Ravi really didn't need to tell Buck to give it a thought. It's not like he has been able to think about anything else for the past few weeks. Buck really thought he was free of what Tommy put in his mind to begin with and yet, there comes Ravi!

Which leads him to today. Sitting in Maddie's kitchen as they wait for the third batch of cookies he's been stress baking for the past three hours.

This is way too many cookies. But nobody is stopping him, and he needed time until he gathered the resolve to tell his sister he is, in fact, in love with his best friend. And! He gets that stress out, Jee gets to eat way too many cookies, and probably everyone at dispatch is thankful to Maddie tomorrow. Not a bad deal for anyone in this house hearing his whining, even if it's just in the distance.

Well, except for baby Nash. To be fair, he's a baby. Buck will make it up to him someday. He just needs to note it down. Somewhere. Or maybe he'll remember.

Maybe.

"I'm pretty sure you can just do it, though," Maddie counters.

"No. No, I can't— He's straight."

"Have you asked him?"

"No, but— Come on, he has a son. He's been married. To a woman," Buck points out. It's obvious. It's obvious. "And he has dated multiple women."

Two women are multiple women indeed. Two is more than one. Basic math. Thus, multiple.

Sure, Eddie's relationships have not ended in the most positive note. But they were very straight, very heterosexual relationships. No homoeroticism to be found. Not at all.

"Well, Athena's ex-husband was also married to her, right?" She shrugs.

"That has no correlation."

"But it demonstrates it's possible for someone to be gay and still be married to a woman."

Why does she keep insisting? Buck has just pointed out how straight Eddie is. It's clear as day, he's the straightest man Buck knows. This conversation is hopeless. All of it is completely hopeless. Maddie's arguments, Buck's situation, the quantity of cookies…

"Well, he is just straight," Buck manages to articulate a few seconds later. Maddie rolls her eyes.

"But have you asked?"

Of course he hasn't, why would he? That's crazy. Eddie is straight.

"Haven't had a reason to," Buck admits, grumbling.

"Well, now you have one," Maddie says, simply. As if it was that easy. As if Buck's heart wasn't going through the five stages of grief for feelings he knows are not going to be reciprocated.

Life sucks, and Buck should know better than to fall in love with his best friend. But apparently this has been going on for a long time, for far longer than Ravi's first comment. So maybe Evan Buckley should start by working on identifying his feelings correctly an in time. In general. Any kind of feelings.

Or, at least, before he finds himself in deep shit. Like he does right now.

"Not that easy," Buck repeats, once again. That has been his star sentence for the past thirty minutes, he feels.

"You got to start somewhere, though. Right?" Maddie reaches out to him, and Buck lets her bury her hand in between his palms. He sighs. "Just find a way to ask. If he says he's straight, well—" She smiles, sadly, "maybe that's the first step to get rid of your feelings."

Buck doesn't like it, but he can admit to himself that Maddie's words seem right. Logical. To some extent.

And the truth is that Buck has no better ideas.

Breaching the subject with Eddie, though, it's an entirely different story. How can you bring that up, even? Buck's coming out was… not conventional. Sure, he first told Eddie, and he didn't make a huge deal of it. And Buck was thankful for that. But that had been him coming not, not someone asking about their sexual preferences.

No, asking about that, straightforwardly, is just weird.

And then, he had been outed accidentally by Tommy. Which hadn't been great. Buck had wanted to come out on his own terms, but he was unlucky like that. He had tried to make the best of it, as his friends had also reacted nicely to the whole thing. It was also the beginning of his relationship with Tommy, so he hadn't wanted to reproach his then boyfriend that he hadn't told him about all the soot in his face.

Anyway. The thing is that his personal experience can't help him there. Buck is alone in unfamiliar territory. He needs to ask Eddie so he can get a negative and therefore move on. He desperately needs to move on from these unnecessary feelings.

God, Buck was doing so well just being Eddie's best friend. Or at least believing that was all there was. Life was somehow easier.

Not easy. Just easier.

It's been two weeks since Maddie talked him into asking Eddie about his sexuality, and Buck decides to just... go for it. To the best of his ability.

"I was thinking —the other day— about, uh," very smooth, very logical first half of the sentence. 'Come on, I can do it,' he tells to himself, "when I— when I came out of the closet. To you."

Final addition. To differentiate it from when he came out to Maddie. Or to everyone else, accidentally. And he's caught Eddie's interest. This has to be good enough.

"Right," Eddie says. Oh, okay, maybe Buck should have said something else. There's nothing else filling the silence, the documentary they were watching is over and everyone else at the firehouse is either asleep or out.

It's Buck, and Eddie, and a black TV screen, and too much anxiety, and many gay feelings. And Jesus or God or someone, probably, observing how Buck proceeds to make a fool of himself. They are likely holding a popcorn bucket and all.

"I was— uh, thinking," he has already said that! Is he dumb? He is dumb. But Eddie is focusing all his attention on him. It's difficult to focus when you have those beautiful brown eyes staring straight into your soul. "How the realization was. I mean, at the beginning I just— I somehow thought I was just an ally and not bisexual. But— I don't know, I kinda… I noticed that I never before had gotten a firm conviction of me being straight. So I was— I was wondering," he's almost there, he is almost there, "if you had something like that. Just— just wondering."

Nailed it.

"What do you mean?" Eddie asks immediately, leaning back against the couch.

Okay, well, maybe Buck hasn't nailed it. Fuck him.

Preferably, Eddie could—

"What I mean—" Buck cuts his thoughts short. No. No, he doesn't need that right now. "Is, uh— if you had any sort of realization of being straight."

Eddie is now staring at him in complete silence. Okay. Has Buck fucked it up? Can he get a second chance? Well, the alarm could ring right now for all he cares, maybe Eddie will have forgotten it by the time they are back from whatever call. They could rescue a cat, it's been a while since they last rescued a cat. Would be a first time at 2am, but Buck is up for it. Alternatively, Buck can delay this conversation again by going to sleep. Or—

"Buck," Eddie starts, and Buck can feel his heart about to come out of his mouth. He is… smiling. somehow. His voice is soft, but the way he said his name… "I… I'm going to be honest."

Oh, no.

"I thought I was straight."

Oh, no.

"But, uhm— recently I've… I have noticed I'm probably not," he wets his lips as he shakes his head. "I still haven't figured it out, and that's why… why I haven't said anything. Yet. But I was going to."

Oh, no.

"You trusted me, though, even when you weren't completely sure," he continues, although Buck is barely listening anymore. "So I'm— I'm trusting you, Buck."

Oh, no. Eddie. No, no. Don't trust Buck with that information. Buck didn't need to know that! He would be doing so much better with his hopes crushed! That was the point of this entire conversation! But now his stupid heart is beating hard and fast, and he's probably blushing, and Buck is praying the little light left in the firehouse hides everything, including the shaking that has conquered his hands.

Now he wouldn't mind a natural catastrophe swallowing the station whole as long as Eddie survived it. Or better, Buck could burst into flames! Be raptured! Anything would work right now, honestly, just get Buck and his feelings out of here.

"Buck?" Eddie leans forward, brow furrowed and worry in his voice.

Fuck. Okay, yeah, this internal breakdown must have looked super weird from the outside. Act natural, Buck, act natural, and don't think about how close Eddie is.

"I, ehm… wow," smooth, normal reaction. "I wasn't… expecting that."

"I can imagine," Eddie smiles, slightly shy. Tilting his head. He doesn't know what he's doing to Buck.

This is unfair. Buck feels like he's going to die. Right there, his inert body slumping on top of Edmundo Diaz, changing the course of his life forever. As if that isn't something that has kind of already happened to him.

They do have shitty lives, sometimes.

"You, uh— You didn't need to… say it," Buck's mouth is running more than his brain. It has a life of its own. "I mean, I didn't want to make you come out of the closet."

Yes, that was the point, but at the same time it wasn't the point for Buck particularly. He was expecting a confirmation of what he already believed. That Eddie is straight. Was straight. Because he's not, apparently.

This must be some sort of nightmare.

"I wouldn't have told you if I wasn't comfortable with sharing it, Buck," Eddie continues. He sounds so calm, why does he sound so calm when Buck's entire world is crumbling down hard and fast?

"Yeah, yeah, ahm—" Buck clears his throat. "I— Thank you for telling me. I'm gonna go hit the sack."

Hit the sack? What is he, fifty years old? What is this?

Buck, however, is already standing up and walking fast towards the bunk room. He can hear Eddie saying something, is he calling him? He might be, but Buck's legs have one mission and one mission only.

That is, getting as far from Eddie as possible.

Everything is crashing down.

Buck doesn't know how to act around Eddie anymore. Nobody is mentioning what transpired that night at the couch, but Buck knows it was real by the way Eddie looks at him, by the way he tries to talk to him.

Buck— Buck can't right now.

Okay. Fine. Eddie is not straight. That doesn't mean he's going to date Buck. They are still best friends, and Eddie doesn't see him as more than that. As anything else but that. His very bisexual best friend.

That means Buck has to take some drastic measures if he wants to get rid of his crush. Thus, avoiding Eddie at all costs. Which is quite difficult since they are still coworkers who dine together weekly. Buck is doing his utmost without canceling anything or feigning he has caught some strain of a very contagious disease.

He doesn't have any better ideas, but he truly doesn't want to worry anyone.

It's about a week later when Maddie asks him to come babysit as Chimney and her do some errands.

"Wait, where's Chim?" Buck asks as he steps into the living room. Jee is drawing on the living room table, and it's safe to assume the baby is sleeping. It's what he does most of the time, anyway.

"Buying groceries," Maddie says at the precise time she sits at the table. She's looking at him, no more words coming out of her mouth.

It's at that precise moment when Buck realizes his sister might have slightly deceived him.

"What is this?" He asks, but still steps towards the nearest chair.

"An intervention," Maddie says simply. "Sit down."

"I don't need an intervention," Buck says, confused, but still his body is already obeying Maddie.

Damn it.

"Eddie thinks otherwise," Maddie lifts her phone, screen turned off.

Okay, so. Buck doesn't need to be a genius to know what's happening here. Eddie couldn't go past the confusing defenses Buck has put up, so he has reached out to Maddie. She has the power to actually call Buck and give him a pep talk, even if it's under false pretenses. Eddie would know that, he also has sisters.

Great.

"Well, Eddie is wrong, I'm doing fine," Buck says, like a liar.

"So not talking to your best friend and co-worker for an entire week is something entirely normal," she deadpans.

"No, I mean— I have been talking to him!" Buck counters. "We've still done our weekly dinner! And I talk to him at work."

"Yes, and he said your weekly dinner was unusually quiet and you left as soon as you were done with your pizza slices. And I would be worried if you didn't communicate for work matters," Maddie leans against the table, eyes not leaving Buck's.

Buck wants to avoid that visual contact.

"You seem very pointed right now," Buck grumbles.

"Evan," Maddie just says, all the weight of the world in that single word. "Eddie told me something happened. No specifics, mind you, but—" She stops for a couple of seconds, briefly thinking about how to end that sentence. "He told me you are allowed to tell me. If it makes it easier."

Oh. Oh, okay. Well, Buck is kind of on the spot here. Every metaphorical spotlight pointed at him, several microphones in front of his face, an interviewer saying he's going to announce some ground-breaking news for the entire country— no, the whole world!

Fucking hell.

"Eddie likes men," he blurts out. Shocked gasps from a non-existing audience accompany Maddie's eyes opening big. "Or— or so he thinks. He's still thinking about exactly where— where he falls. In the… spectrum? I guess."

"You are shi-iiii— kidding me," Maddie corrects herself, remembering that her oldest child, although distracted, is only a few meters away from them.

"I wish I was," Buck mumbles.

"But— wasn't that what you wanted?" Maddie asks. "You are in love—"

"No," Buck cuts her short. No. No. No. She got it wrong. "I mean, I— I have feelings for him, but I just wanted him to confirm he's straight so I could… so I could force myself to go back to normal."

"Oh, Evan," Maddie sighs, and immediately reaches out to grab his closest hand. Two hands enveloping it, warm, reassuring. "You are not giving yourself a chance."

Buck doesn't deserve a chance, though. If he has a chance, he will fuck it up. He can't allow that to happen with Eddie.

"It's not like that," Buck says lightly. He tries to smile. "I just think what we have now is good. Don't wanna ruin it, you know?"

"Why do you think you would ruin it? That's stupid. You can go from something great to something better. And right now," she starts before Buck can complain, "you are already ruining what you two have. Eddie thinks he's done something wrong, Buck. You are being distant just as he has come out of the closet. To you, his best friend. Do you think that's normal?"

Okay. Fine. Said like that, Buck sees how bad it looks. But it's also somehow funny, given that Buck himself is bisexual.

He can imagine how confused Eddie is. It's… bad.

"Just talk to him," Maddie says. "I'm not asking you to ask him out, I'm asking you to actually be normal around him."

"And my feelings?" Buck asks. He knows the answer, though.

"You can care about those later," Maddie squeezes his hand, reassuring. "You know being his friend is more important."

It's still annoying how right Maddie can be.

"I'm sorry," Buck says as Eddie opens the front door. He didn't tell Eddie he was coming, and you can tell by the way Eddie is just wearing an old T-shirt with a giant LAFD logo and the black sweatpants he bought in front of Buck that time they went shopping right before the pandemic started. They are in surprisingly good condition. No shoes, no hair gel, a bit of stubble on his face. "I didn't know how to react. I panicked. I'm happy you are figuring yourself out."

Eddie stands there for a couple of seconds, dumbfounded. Buck needs to not think about how good he looks for as long as Eddie stands there, looking at him.

It's proving to be quite a difficult task.

"And you brought pizza to say sorry," Eddie finally speaks.

"I guessed it couldn't hurt," Buck chuckles, nervousness showing. "Half has pineapple. Half doesn't."

"You were really craving pineapple on pizza, huh?"

"Maybe."

Eddie sighs, but he seems way more relaxed than before. "Come on in."

That's how it starts, anyway. They have lunch together, eat the pizza, and suddenly everything looks and feels like it's back to normal. Hell, the way Buck's heart beats is not that different from what he remembers.

Then again, that might be because he's been in love with Eddie for as long as he can remember.

Before Buck departs they make plans for this Saturday. They are both free, Eddie says Chris has plans, and there's this documentary on IMAX Buck really wants to watch. Eddie is indulging him here, and Buck is very much aware of it, but he doesn't care. He can only do his best to indulge him back.

The important thing is that they are back to being best friends. Days go by, and they keep hanging out, once again seemingly attached by the hip. There's no Buck without Eddie, there's no Eddie without Buck. They go to the cinema, to the zoo and the observatory, and they have dinner together regularly, and lunches too (without Chris, which allows for some topics and joking neither would bring up otherwise).

Not being partners anymore also doesn't stop them from being in complete synchrony. Buck is aware they are getting weird looks from Chimney, Hen and most of all Ravi, who definitely knows something is up with Buck. But he avoid every dangerous conversation topic with him like the plague.

Buck also doesn't mention Eddie's sexuality again. Not even to Eddie himself.

He doesn't want to know. Buck doesn't want to know! Additionally, how do you even bring something like that up? 'Hey, how is that sexuality crisis going? Are you gay yet? Should we go out together and hit on some dudes?' No! He cannot ask. Buck sometimes has no filter, and sometimes he feels a bit too dumb after speaking, but these are heights he isn't keen on exploring.

No. This is a good path, the one Buck is taking. He's keeping himself focused on Eddie, close to him, but forcing himself to think of Eddie as only a best friend. Ignore the heart fluttering, the nerves gripping his stomach, the heat going up to his ears (which is admittedly more difficult to explain as a physical symptom). Sweaty palms, legs that feel like jelly, physical contact that sends electrical shocks through his body.

Well, at least Buck doesn't need to lie when Eddie asks about his general weirdness. He just says he feels a bit sick. Very close to reality.

It will get better, Buck is sure of it. He will get better at being Eddie's best friend. He has no other option.

Buck is not doing better.

In which world did he think this would be a good idea? Or an idea that would minimally work. Buck wasn't asking for too much, right?

Yet here he is, going absolutely crazy.

Buck has gotten over crushes before, even crushes on people who were going to be around him often. This shouldn't be new for him. The avoidant strategy couldn't work as he doesn't want to hurt Eddie, but forcing the situation back to normal is making things worse.

Eddie's behavior is also not helping.

"He's… so touchy," Buck sighs. "And I am, too! But he doesn't know what that's doing to me. It's torture."

Maddie looks at him from the other side of the couch, a perfect poker face on her features. "But are you also being touchy with him?"

"Well, yeah! It's difficult not to be, when he is too. And we are close. I mean, we've always been sort of touchy with each other. It's our thing."

"It's your thing," Maddie echoes. Buck doesn't know if she's agreeing with him or if there's something else going on behind her neutral expression.

"So to be normal around him I need to be touchy, and I enjoy it, but I think it's defeating the purpose of getting rid of this… all of this," he groans, letting himself fall against the backseat.

This is a nightmare of his own making. He's going to die loving Eddie Diaz.

Not soon, mind you! Buck will die. Someday. And he will still be miserably in love with his best friend. Hopefully at least he has managed to adopt a dog in the meantime. That would be nice. Just so he isn't alone in his misery.

Okay, that makes Buck a little bit happier. His future looks less gloomy now.

"Okay, Buck," Maddie sighs, tired. It's been a long shift for both of them, after all, and Buck is glad Chim stayed at the firehouse fixing some paperwork, "this is… getting out of hand, really. You need to talk to Eddie."

"I already talk to him."

"Not like that," Maddie lets the silence linger, as if Buck knew how to fill it. He doesn't, obviously. Where is this going? "You need to tell him about your feelings."

"No."

The word is out even before Buck fully processes what his sister is suggesting. What? No. What? No! Is she insane? Buck is feeling insane lately, but this is just too much. Unrealistic petition, thank you. That would just ruin his entire relationship with Eddie. No friendship, no touching, no— nothing! Absolutely nothing!

"Listen to me," Maddie breaches the distance between them, and Buck remembers why Maddie is such a good dispatcher. "You need to. It's gonna be okay."

"He will reject me."

"Isn't that what you want?"

"And then he will hate me."

"I would be worried if an eight-year-long friendship broke just because of a confession," she lets out a raspberry. 'Yeah, right, Buck? It would be stupid!' Maddie is trying to say, Buck knows. Silly. "You are not the first, only, or last person to fall in love with his best friend, trust me. Look at me and Howie."

"But you guys—" 'are straight', Buck wants to say, but stops himself. That has nothing to do with it, right? But somehow, he has the feeling that when it's about a straight relationship it's always easier. "It's just different. We've known each other for too long."

"Okay. He might reject you," Maddie accepts. "But he might not. And I'm pretty sure a friendship such as yours can survive a love confession."

Which is a fair point. Buck and Eddie have gone through everything together. If Eddie wants to kick Buck out of his life after hearing he's in love with him, well— that would be shitty of him. But if Buck has to be honest, he doesn't see Eddie doing that. Eddie is not like that.

That doesn't mean it isn't scary.

"Maybe you are right, but—" The arguments die in Buck's throat. There is really nothing he can say besides that he's scared. That he doesn't want to be rejected. Not by Eddie, never by Eddie.

"You can be best friends forever," Maddie continues, ignoring the struggle. Maybe because of the struggle, "and maybe you'll get over your feelings, or maybe you'll be sad and lonely forever."

"Hey—"

"But I'd ask you at least try, Evan. Please. Just ask him on one date."

As it happens, if Maddie asks Buck to do something he cannot say no.

Buck accepts to at least give it a try. Asking Eddie out. Sure. That's easy. It's easy! He just needs to say, 'hey, Eddie, would you go on a date with me?' And then he would just need to brace for impact, because the crash would be bad.

But, first, Buck is keen on doing some research. Just to know what he's facing. He wants to think he's gotten better at getting information from Eddie.

"So," they are halfway through Romeo+Juliet when Buck speaks, "this is definitely... something."

"My brain can't process half the things that are happening on the screen," Eddie deadpans.

"Is this the first time you watch it?"

"No," and Eddie doesn't elaborate.

"Well, what I'm getting is that young love was apparently incredibly intense like… four hundred years ago. As it can be today," Buck shifts in place on the couch, very careful to not even brush against Eddie's clothes. He needs his head clear for this. "What are you looking for in someone? To date them, I mean."

Smooth. Very well done, Buck. He deserves a pat in the back.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean—" Okay, maybe not so smooth and not very clear. "Dunno, it's just… I'm pretty sure no one tells you why Romeo and Juliet are so obsessed with each other."

"That's love."

"Well, yeah, in a play, but not in real life," Buck is shifting again. Maybe it's starting to look weird. "I know what I'm looking for in someone. I just— I was asking to… compare."

Right. To compare. Best friends compare stuff all the time. Like… Like their favorite football teams. Or their dicks. Or dating techniques.

Okay, well, that's very straight, and the whole point of all of this is that neither Eddie nor Buck are heterosexual. What do LGBT people compare? Maybe Buck should get some articles on that, he highly doubts there are documentaries, but papers? There should be a ton of papers about same-gender attraction and— and social customs and stuff.

Maybe he should have started his whole journey out of the closet doing that research. Probably would have made everything easier. He's lacking a lot of knowledge here.

"To compare," Eddie echoes, eyebrows shooting up.

"Uhm… yeah?"

For sure, Buck. Just double-down.

"…Alright," Eddie crosses his arms as he leans back, pensive. "I mean, I've not… it's difficult. I don't think I ever liked Ana or Marisol. I liked what they represented, or…"

He doesn't end the sentence, but Buck's attention never fades. This is something that Eddie has never admitted out loud, at least in front of Buck. And it is… it is shocking, lacking a better word, and yet it isn't. Looking back at it, Buck, an external person, can see the differences between Eddie's relationships and, say, Chimney and Maddie's relationship.

Maybe he's always known there was something off about that. Buck never questioned it, after all. Not his place. Not without the little trigger switch that has sponsored his last month and a half's mental train wreck.

"I want to think I loved Shannon," Eddie sighs, as he continues speaking. "Not like she deserved to be loved, but I loved her so much. She was my best friend. And… and maybe it boils down to that. What do I look for in someone? That they can be my best friend. Just… maybe not a woman? I don't know, that is still unclear."

It's like a bucket of cold water is dropped on Buck, bucket itself included.

That's bad. That's very bad.

His brain goes into emergency mode, formulating the new scenario in front of him in the most comprehensible terms.

Eddie very likely doesn't like women. It's highly likely he doesn't like women, not romantically, or sexually. Buck's getting that. However, combined with the rest of the words that have come out of Eddie's mouth, this is decidedly not good for Buck.

The love of his life is looking for a best friend in a partner. A male partner, possibly. A person who will eventually come into Eddie's life and will not only date Eddie, but will steal the spot Buck currently holds. That wasn't something that could happen in the world where Eddie was still straight. Eddie could have a girlfriend, a wife, but Buck's place in his life would be untouchable now and forever. Both Ana and Marisol understood that, for example.

Evan Buckley is absolutely fucked. Hopeless. It's all hopeless. He better call Maddie as soon as possible to communicate the bad news. So she doesn't keep insisting. So she stops giving Buck hope.

The only good thing is that perhaps, just perhaps, this will be the final nail in the coffin for his brain to finally drop every unnecessary emotion he has toward Eddie.

Yeah. Yeah, Buck can feel alleviated even as his heart breaks.

"Buck?"

He has spaced out. He has spaced out, hasn't he? How could he not?

"Yeah. Yeah, sorry, you were saying?" Buck clears his throat and tries very hard not to cry. It would be very ridiculous to cry out of heartbreak while Romeo+Juliet is playing in the background. Buck has no proof, but he's quite sure it would be. He's not about to test it.

"I was going to ask what about you," Eddie says. Buck stares at him, blankly.

The words take a couple of seconds to come out. "Y-yeah. Same. I'm looking for a best friend."

And— And Buck thinks after speaking. Yeah? Yeah, maybe that's what made him fall in love with Eddie for starters. Or maybe the feelings came first, then he became his best friend. It's impossible to know, and Buck doesn't discard the possibility of everything happening at the same time.

Does it matter?

"Buck—"

"Oh, shit," Buck straightens up, a single thought in his mind. "I— I have to leave."

"What? Why?"

"I need to go watch Jee and Nash. Sorry," Buck springs up from his seat. Where did he leave his things? "I completely forgot."

Completely unlike him, forgetting about the kids. But it was the first thing that came to mind.

"Oh."

"Yeah, uh, I promised Jee we would make cookies, and I need— I need to buy the ingredients. So, you know," as if he wasn't incredibly sure Maddie has every baking supply he needs in her kitchen. He even has his own shelf in the cupboard.

Eddie also knows that.

"Oh, well, then we'll just…" Buck is not looking at Eddie, he's moving around looking for his things. His keys, his jacket, his— "Guess we'll finish the movie another day."

"Yeah, sure. Sorry," Buck chuckles. The movie, right, the movie.

He doesn't care about the movie, he just needs to get out of here.

The rest of the afternoon is a blur. Buck gets out, goes to Maddie's, Chim takes the cue and asks Jee if she wants to 'help daddy buy some groceries, she can get her favorite sweets'. Maddie is feeding Nash as she listens attentively.

Not that Buck has a lot to say.

"It's impossible. We are not getting together."

He isn't going to elaborate, and Maddie doesn't push him. She just stays next to him until he is strong enough to leave.

Maybe that is why he ends up sleeping on her couch.

"You sure you are good to work today?" Chimney asks as they exit his car.

He obviously doesn't know the specifics, but in no way in hell he would let Buck drive when he has clearly not slept enough. Chim is not asking because of the lack of sleep, no, he just wants to make sure Buck's head is in the right place. It obviously is! He's focused, he's ready, he's— He's okay. Really.

It's also the fourth time he asks Buck. So maybe Buck's lies aren't working today.

"I'm sure," Evan Buckley repeats. He normally considers himself a very good liar, but maybe if he insists enough…

"Fine, fine," Chim locks the car and starts walking towards the firehouse. "If I see you distracted one single time, though—"

"It's seventy-two hours, Chim," Buck huffs as he follows him.

Don't remind him, it's gonna be torture to be around Eddie. But maybe exposure therapy will work this time. It has to work this time, or Buck will be fucked for the rest of his life.

"One single time!" Chim echoes, not even turning around.

He's joking, right? Buck is pretty sure he is joking.

Buck has spent the best part of the night mentally preparing himself to face Eddie today. And yet, the crack in his heart is audible when he sees his best friend's face that morning.

"You turned off your phone," Eddie says.

No 'hello', no 'how are you doing, Buck?'. This is going to be way worse than he expected.

As for Chimney, he visibly scatters away.

"I ran out of battery," Buck lies. He saw the missed calls this morning, in any case.

"I went to your house and you weren't there," Eddie says next.

He was worried. Buck made Eddie worry. He truly thought he couldn't feel worse.

"At… what time?"

"Half past eleven," Eddie doesn't miss a beat.

"I'm sorry. The baking ran late and Maddie told me to stay."

"I called her."

Fuck. Well, there it goes every excuse had in his mind, because he absolutely forgot to tell Maddie of the lies he had told Eddie.

Buck feels his soul leaving his body in real time. He's going to fuck up his friendship with Eddie on top of everything. Record time. He's losing too much in so little time.

The alarm could at least be kind enough to go off right now. But no, there's only silence in their little bubble, surrounded by the cheerful chatter of shift A getting into work and the tired groans of shift C getting out.

"I think we need to talk," Eddie says, somehow making it past the numbness covering Buck's senses.

Buck doesn't want to talk. Buck wants everything to go back to normal. Buck wants to go back in time to the time when he didn't know he was in love with Eddie.

And yet, Buck follows Eddie to the nearest storage closet.

Eddie closes the door but doesn't lock it. He doesn't sit down, doesn't lean into anything. At least he's leaving a clear escape path in case Buck wants to run away.

Buck is, however, glued to Eddie's eyes. He can move, but not escape it. It's been too many years. Whatever Eddie wants of him, Buck will give it his all. Even if that thing is talking, even if that thing is painful.

"Why did you leave?" The question is soft when it leaves Eddie's lips.

He's not asking about Buck's lies. He's not asking about a justification. He's just…

He is… worried? Still? After knowing Buck was lying to him?

"I… I had to."

There was no other option. He couldn't stay. But there's also no logical reason that he can voice. Nothing he can give to Eddie, nothing he can safely say without ruining it all.

"You didn't bake with Jee," Eddie says, matter-of-factly.

As if that wasn't clear enough yet.

"You can tell me," he follows up, taking a step toward Buck. Making it more painful without even knowing.

"I can't," the words are out of Buck's mouth before he can think them through.

"Buck," Eddie steps closer.

"I can't," Buck echoes, he's shaking his head as he realizes Eddie is shaking it too.

Eddie stops one step away. He doesn't insist anymore, doesn't speak. He just looks at Buck. It would be so easy to cross the distance and kiss him.

Restraining himself right now is the most difficult thing Buck has ever done.

"Why? Why can't you?"

Why can't he? Why can't he?

"Because… because you will go and meet someone, and that guy will be your best friend, and I won't be your best friend anymore, and you will— date them," it's tough, those words hurt. And they keep hurting, and hurting, and hurting, as they tumble out of his mouth. Messy, almost nonsensical, only going through the filter that Buck is imposing so Eddie doesn't hear the word love. "And— and that's absolutely fine! That's what you deserve, and— and I will be okay with that."

"What are you saying?" Eddie looks thoroughly confused.

It's tearing Buck apart. This is the end.

"I'm saying that I'll be okay. You don't have to worry about me. You can— you should do what's best for you."

There. That's it. Buck might not be able to speak clearly, but that's what he needs to tell Eddie. That's what Eddie deserves to hear. Not that he needs Buck's permission to go on with his life, to discover his sexuality, but… but Buck is giving it to him, anyway. Just so he doesn't worry about Buck.

Worrying about Buck is not worth it.

Two many emotions flash through Eddie's face, too quick to identify for Buck, who doesn't even want to look at him. And yet, he forces himself to keep his eyes fixated on him. Eddie needs to understand that Buck is serious. He means it.

"Okay," the soft voice catches Buck by surprise. It borders on eerie, at least to Buck's ears. "I will do what's best for me."

Relief and pain in equal parts flood Buck's body before identifying what Eddie is doing.

He's crossing the distance. There's suddenly a hand against Buck's cheek, stubble under Eddie's fingers. He lefts Eddie guide his movement, and then he realizes how close Eddie's lips are.

The kiss is all but expected, and confusion explodes inside Buck's chest.

That doesn't mean his body doesn't know how to react. He reciprocates the kiss as soon as he finds himself, and places his hands on Eddie's upper arms for balance. Otherwise, his knees would have immediately folded.

Back to what's important: holy shit. Those are the only words that Buck's brain can repeat. Eddie's lips are slightly chapped, and he can feel Eddie has also not shaved this morning. He still tastes of coffee, and the slow movement of his lips is unraveling and discarding Buck's thoughts one by one, until there's nothing but pure bliss its place.

Buck barely registers when they separate, because they go straight back to kissing each other. He chases after, Eddie chases after. Doesn't matter. He couldn't care less, though he should if he even had the mental capacity right now to understand the implications of what is happening.

It could have been hours when Eddie finally puts enough distance between them, just enough so it's no tempting to go back after his lips.

Reality hits Buck like a brick.

"Sorry. Fuck. Jesus, I—"

"Buck," Eddie interrupts. At some point he has placed his hands on top of Buck's shoulders. "I wanted to do this last night."

He wanted to— He—

What?

"To be honest, I have been wanting to do this for a while," Eddie continues.

There's this steady beep sound echoing in Buck's brain.

What?

"I don't— No…" Buck's brain is currently unable to form a single coherent thought. "You don't… like me?"

"I'm pretty sure I do," Eddie seems to find Buck's words funny. "Wouldn't have kissed you otherwise."

That's when the pieces start clicking into place.

Eddie wants to date his best friend.

"In fact, you are the whole reason I noticed I like men."

Ana or Marisol weren't Eddie's best friends. Shannon was. Buck is.

"I thought you knew we have been going on dates for a while now?"

All the plans. All of them. Buck didn't need to ask for one date. Not a single one.

"Guess I should have been more clear about it," Eddie speaks while laughing nervously. "I think I was secretly afraid you didn't want to…"

Eddie doesn't end the sentence. He shakes his head once, twice, three times.

"I think I know what both of us want," he says, instead. "You just need to say it."

Say it.

So easy. So incredibly easy, and Buck was sure saying it would kill him.

Buck's brain is still very far behind when his voice finally breaks the silence. It feels like it has been eons in the making, anyway. Give him time.

"Eddie Diaz," the name is out of his lips (those lips that must be as red as Eddie's, thoroughly kissed) as if was the air exiting Buck's lungs. "Would you date me?"

And for the first time in the last few weeks, Buck can't think of a single reason why Eddie would say no.