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Is everyone here? Please settle down and turn your attention- Settle down, people. I need your- I said settle the fuck down!
Good. That's what I want to see, gentlemen. Now that I've got your attention, we may begin. For new hires who haven't seen the advertisements for our merchandise, have been living under a rock, or are too busy fighting African rebels to see one, hi! My name is Leith Pierre, Playtime Co.'s CEO, Head of Innovation, and your client- yes, Mr. Karelse, what is your question? Why would a toy company of all things hire people like you? I'll give you all a need-to-know rundown on that later. Now settle the hell down, Mr. Karelse.
Let me be honest with our new hires. You are here not because you wanted to; you are here because that's what you were supposed to do, as with any other client. You take the money, you do the ethically questionable odd jobs for your employer, and you ask not a single question about it. That's the basic rule that we all know, gentlemen. Cash, shoot, and scoot, very simple. Either that, or you just escaped death row after taking our offer- hm? How did we do that? You are probably one of those half-wits who have never heard of K Street in DC, I guess. Some of you guys here, as our dossiers on you all say, are being prosecuted by your home countries for war crimes, and are now on the run from the authorities- yes, Playtime Co. will not turn you over, or else I'll be behind bars like you all if I do so, provided that you signed your NDAs before coming here, alright- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Well here goes your NDA, sign the damn thing already! Oh, and some of you guys here are not actually new hires and were Specialists with combat and firearms training pulled from Resource Extraction for this. Yes, I remember you and your dumbass complaints, Mr. Fitzgerald, and you better not make any after this orientation, or else you know what would happen to incompetent liabilities- NO, not yet, Mr. Fitzgerald. Why do you think you're sitting here right now, and not in Boxy's stomach?
Ahem, anyway, as you, bars the Specialists- Fitzgerald, leave your goddamn questions for later. As you may remember, our recruiters approached each and every one of you and gave you a very spectacular offer. You can either continue working with our GrabPack and hazmat and risk exposure to certain hazards, find a hefty paying client in an era where people would rather choose registered companies over individual hired guns, wait out your term on death row, keep hiding from the authorities for what you did with those people in Sierra Leone or Somalia, OR you could choose to work for us in our new division. Scratch that, you all agreed, because either way, you wouldn't be here now and are fighting rebels in Africa or collecting toy parts around the factory if you didn't. Hm? What? What do we want from you? Did you even pay any goddamn attention, Mr. Schmidt? Jet lag is one thing, but didn't your commanders in the German Army train you not to drift off in briefings- ahem, orientations? Post-Cold War mass exodus got your tongue? Let me tell you how this is gonna go, gentlemen. From now on, transferred Specialists here will no longer report to their superiors. All of you will operationally report directly to me, Ms. Greyber, Mr. Ritterman, or any executives of this company. Long story short, you all will be under Resource Extraction and administratively overseen by the Head of Resource Extraction, but you will take orders directly from any and all of the executives, especially me, with priorities depending on the executive's place within this company. You do your job, you get a promotion, come out with a hefty pay, an expungement, or a more lenient sentence should you ever be involved with the authorities. That's it.
If you don't have any questions, then I'll- ugh, fuck, not again. If you like having your job, Sharon, BEAT IT! WE'RE BUSY!!
And here I thought she couldn't be any more like an idiot. I'm sorry, gentlemen, my secretary is... difficult, to say the least. Now where was I...? What? Oh, right, I'm answering those questions right now. Mr. Karelse asked earlier why a toy company of all things would need to hire mercenaries like non-Specialists in this room, and someone asked me what kind of job you gentlemen would do for this company. Well for the latter question, let me clarify it. You will, in layman's terms, shoot our enemies and protect our interests. Uh… you, second to the back. Yes, we have a lot of enemies outside and inside Playtime. No, you don't get to shoot all of them. We have Public Affairs and HR for the minor inconvenience. No, you will engage hostile forces that pose a significant threat to us. You, yes, you! The one with a big scar on your face. What did you say? Protesters? Please, we can rely on the police departments and regular security for that. Plus, since when did mercenaries care about civilian casualties? No offense, but we know that some of you were paid to silence civilians in Africa, and sometimes we need that here in the States, because some people and whistleblowers are liabilities to the company in Michigan alone. Those people, however, are not on your list of valid enemies, no. We have the internal security department for that. No, what we are dealing with is much, much worse.
We mainly have to deal with two kinds of enemies that require an armed response for now. One is our experiments. Let's just say Playtime has... side ventures here and there, including those in some... questionable fields such as experimentation- yes, Mr. Karelse, you can ask the Specialists, but only after this orientation. Where was I again- ah, yes, we have conducted some human experimentation here, hence the NDAs. That wasn't irrelevant though, considering that it is still more justified than committing genocide in Sierra Leone- you, the guy with that headband, what is it? Normal for the mercenaries? Biochemical weapon research on civilians? Yeah, our Bigger Bodies Initiative is not focused on biochemical research here, but at least we don't have to give you mercenaries intense desensitization treatment firsthand. Your job with the Bigger Bodies experiments is to respond to containment breaches and incidents in the factory, especially the laboratory. You will be given clearance to traverse through every corner of the entire factory and its facilities here, but you can only do so with Management authorization and with explicit order to operate in your assigned sector, unless in emergencies. No, only a battalion will stay at this place at all times and have that clearance. Your job here is to help the security staff in the Labs keep the experiment in when they can't do so and to keep our goddamn stubborn rival out.
Hm, what do you want to ask? Oh, that. Yes, keeping the experiments in is your job here, but it is not the only thing you will do in our service. Quiz time: have any of you gentlemen heard of the Evillious Corporation? Don't tell me no, their presence is literally everywhere right now. That's where our biggest external problem is. You probably knew that we are not doing so well despite making a lot of money, and we can name a few of our rivals. Mattel, yes. Hasbro, that's a yes too. Evillious, those thorns in our eyes are on our list of rivals also. Before you can ask, no, gentlemen, you also don't get to shoot all of them. Marketing and Public Affairs had Mattel and Hasbro covered; you will be dealing with Evillious- why should we do that? That's why you are here in the first place, Mr. Schmidt. To put it simply, they are a very big conglomerate down in Louisiana, and they have a toy subsidiary, currently owned by a woman named Riliane Lucifen d'Autriche, that puts them in an opposite position to us. We tried to get information from their archives, and their parent conglomerate sent their own PMCs from their tactical subsidiary after us in return. We did that for a month, then they decided to amp up everything with mortars and strafe runs after they accused us of an attempted decapitation attack on Held Yggdra- what? Who is that guy? That nerd is their chairman, Mr. Fitzgerald, and they blame someone's failed hit on him ON US. That's where the rest of you people come in- yes, that's right, Mr. Valente, this is why you are even here in the first place. Evillious has an army of mercenaries led by a retired Army general and Playtime doesn't, so that's why you people were hired post-haste. Your main mission- yes, I'm on that, Mr. Rodriguez, now let me finish or I'll send you back to Algeria. Your job is to defend Playtime's interests against the Evillious Corporation and their ETSR mercenaries, and you will work in tandem with regular security forces at Playtime facilities. You will respond to their possible assaults on our facilities, conduct, God forbid, preemptive strikes on Evillious to keep that conglomerate as in our check as possible, and do your part in making the 90s our most successful decade yet- SHARON! I TOLD YOU- oh, Mr. Pierciado, we are attending an important- alright, leave the report on the lectern, please, thank you- alright, as I was saying, as our employees, you mercenaries will do your parts in making the 90s Playtime's most successful decade.
Okay, that pretty much wraps it up. Any questions? You, with the- Jesus Christ, really now- guard, please, if you could- there we go. You can have a smoke at any time and anywhere, but not in this factory and orientation. Make sure not to smoke in here ever again, or you will be sent back to death row. Good, now what- alright, sit tight for now. As personnel of Playtime Co., each of you will be given an Orientation Notebook like other employees. You will then report to Storage E to get your uniform items and weapons- I know the mercenaries in this room, like Mr. Karelse, brought their weapons and equipment along, but they got confiscated by the security for safety reasons, so they will report to the security locker room to get their equipment back, Mr. Fitzgerald. Stop. Making. Dumbass. Questions. Or. Complaints. Or I will feed you to Boxy. We scoured every surplus and gun shop in the Midwest to keep you supplied, so make good use of it, or you will end up shot or eaten.
I, on behalf of Playtime Co., hereby welcome our new Armed Resource Extraction Specialists- really now, please, quiet down… please report to Storage E and the security lockers, thank you. Dismissed.