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Her eyes flew open and Katniss gasped for air, but didn't scream. Another nightmare. A hand moved soothingly down her back and she buried her face against Peeta. At least he was there. It was always easier to recover from the bad dreams with him there.
But then she realised that what she felt against her face was nothing like the soft flannel pyjamas he usually slept in when they were on the train. It was smooth and smelled of smoke and salt water. This was when she realised that they were still in the arena for the Quarter Quell. This explained her nightmare as well.
Unlike her usual nightmares about having to kill someone or watch someone get killed from the first games, this had been different. Katniss didn't know how long it had been since she watched Mags walk into the poisonous fog, killing herself so that Finnick could help her save Peeta. Had it been a day or more? In her dream, it had been like living it all over again.
She shivered as if the tendrils of the fog were reaching for her again, she could almost smell it - a misleadingly clear and refreshing smell so that it could reveal its true danger only when it touched her.
"Are you ok?" Peeta asked softly, his voice sleepy. She nodded as his arm tightened around her and she let his warmth seep into her and chase away the lingering nightmare.
"Why are we both sleeping?" She asked eventually. Not that she minded. This was a rare luxury in their circumstances.
"Finnick is keeping watch."
Of course. Now more memories flooded her mind - of Peeta showing her his locket and reminding her of her family and Gale waiting for her, of her telling him that she needed him, of their kiss before they were interrupted. Just like that Peeta's warmth next to her took on a new meaning and she felt like blushing.
It was absolutely bizarre how she could feel such emotions in the middle of it all. They were fighting for their lives, they didn't know if they would live to see another day, they should be in full survival mode. And yet, he had somehow managed to awaken something else in her and it didn't want to go away yet.
She remembered everyone making fun of how innocent she was and how easily their crude jokes could embarrass her. But she coudn't help it. She had been like that even before the games. Her whole life had been a struggle for survival and there had never been any space in her mind for something else.
Falling in love with someone, spending time cuddling and kissing and whispering sweet nothings to each other, let alone anything else, were luxuries happening to other people. She hadn't even been missing this, it had never crossed her mind that she wanted it in her life.
This pretty much summed up her relationship with Gale. She had been so preoccupied with keeping her family fed, with surviving another reaping and games, that she hadn't thought of him in that respect.
This was why hearing about Peeta's feelings had caught her off guard and she had suspected double play from the start. She hadn't been able to understand how anyone could think about frivolous things like love, let alone actually feel it.
She had never dreamed of her first kiss and she had ended up losing it to the ruse of their star-crossed love story for the Capitol. She had first kissed Peeta to seem more convincing and had kept doing it over and over again.
Apart from a flicker of something deeper that she had felt in the cave during their first games, she hadn't really been moved by any kiss until that night. They had been just a means to an end. She had felt bad for using him when she couldn't return his feelings but she had kept doing it because it had meant them tricking Snow, staying alive a little longer.
There had been rare moments when she had wondered what it would be if it were real. If they were actually in love and craving every moment of closeness, but she had quickly forgotten about this in the whirlwind of her other everpresent worries.
Her kisses with Gale had been like that as well. They hadn't been for the audience but they had felt clinical, like going through the motions. Not to mention that they had always been tinted by sadness and worry and had felt like a desperate attempt to cling to something they had felt they were losing.
It wasn't clear what had mad her let go last night, there on the beach in the middle of the arena. For all they knew, they had been closely watched even in the darkness. But she hadn't cared.
In her despair to convince Peeta why he needed to stay alive she had forgotten about that. She had cared only about the warmth of his lips and his strong arms around her and his beating heart after her earlier fright when it had stopped.
Remembering how this had felt now made her both embarrassed and curious. Could this happen again? Could she feel something like this another time?
It reminded her of rumours she had heard about the nature of their relationship after people started talking about their unconventional sleeping arrangement. She knew just how innocent it was, of course she did, so she hadn't been worried about what they were thinking. Even when they had gotten engaged it had all been pretense. In fact, it hadn't been until he had lied about her being pregnant in his last interview that she had realised that there was a whole other world of things regular people saw as normal for two people in love.
Even then she had been happy to play along if it gave them any advantage in the arena. She hadn't fully considered the implications.
Now she couldn't help wondering if Peeta had ever felt uncomfortable when sleeping in her bed. If he had felt tricked by her needing him just to help her sleep, just like he had with the promise of a wedding for convenience, not for love. Had he wanted more?
Somehow she knew that if she were to ask him, he'd say no and he'd actually mean it. He was so impossibly sweet and sincere in his feelings for her, once she had been able to see this, that she couldn't imagine him holding anything like this against her.
Katniss was used to pretending to love him in front of other people, but she wasn't blind to the real bond they had formed through their hardships. With the way he had made her feel just hours earlier, she wondered if she hadn't been cheated out of a real relationship and love because of the danger they were in. In another world, where she wasn't terrified for herself and her family and now him, maybe she could have wanted more. With him.
They were never going to find out. They would probably die soon or suffer another devastating loss that would make love a distant dream. This made her sad in a whole new way.
"Peeta?" She whispered, not sure if he hadn't fallen asleep again.
"Yeah?" He mumbled in her hair.
She lifted her head and although she couldn't see him, she knew that he was looking at her.
"Kiss me."
He obliged her by covering her lips with his before she could second-guess her request. This clearly answered the question about if he wanted this. And oh, it was so unfairly sweet once she was open to the possibility.
Even if it was for one last time, she wanted to enjoy this. To have this with him. Before it was too late.
*
Waking up wasn't as sudden this time. Katniss was all too aware of her cot in District 13 being cold even without opening her eyes. Of course Peeta wasn't there. She knew that it had been a dream but she chose to cling to Peeta's warmth and cherish the remnants of the few nice memories they shared even as she felt tears squeeze through her closed eyelids.
If she had known, if she hadn't been so blind to her feelings, they might have been able to steal some happiness and love while they still had the chance to.
Now she was alone but for a little while in her dream he had been there. This time, in spite of his promises that he would always be there, he hadn't stayed. She missed him so much.