Chapter Text
James stared at the muddy tile of the otherwise spotless hospital floor. Harry was twisting in his arms, restless. James just held on to him a little tighter, and Harry settled against his shoulder with a sigh, his little fist twisting in his curls.
“James,” Lily said, an edge to her voice. “You need to have yourself looked at. You were unconscious for at least a minute or two.”
“I’m fine,” James shook his head. When he moved his head, the bright floor he had been staring at left spots in his vision. He blamed the fluorescent lights.
“You’re bleeding,” Lily pointed out.
“I am?” James frowned.
“Yes,” she said, her voice just on the edge of impatient. She reached out her hand to gently touch his forehead. His skin stung slightly at the contact. When she pulled her hand away again, her fingers were stained with blood.
“Oh,” James blinked, momentarily speechless.
“You need to get yourself checked out,” Lily pleaded. “You can’t do anything for Sirius right now.”
“I can’t leave him,” James shook his head.
“James -”
“He sacrificed himself for us, Lily!” James snapped. “I’m not leaving him!”
Lily sighed, her lips pressed to a tight line as she gave up, settling in next to him into the hospital chair.
James glanced at Sirius’ leather jacket lying next to him over the chair. In a moment of clarity, he had taken it from the nurses, knowing the other man would flip if it got lost in the chaos.
That jacket had been a present from James’ Dad. He had given it to Sirius when they had graduated Hogwarts, and it had seemed to James like his friend hadn’t taken it off since. It felt deeply wrong to see it here without Sirius now - just as it had to see Sirius lie broken on the floor, not moving.
He gulped, his eyes stinging as he stared at the jacket until his eyes blurred.
“Pads?” James breathed, his voice catching in his throat. His best friend was so pale his skin almost matched the white marble floor, and he did not respond even when James touched his shoulder. “Siri?”
“James?” Euphemia asked, coming into the room. She froze when she took in the scene in front of him. “Monty!” she called. “Monty, where are you?!”
James didn't turn away from Sirius, who still hadn’t moved a muscle. He carefully pulled Sirius into him until he could feel his warmth.
“I’ve got you,” he muttered, into his ear. “You’re safe now.”
“JAMES!”
James twitched when he heard Remus’ voice. Remus was sprinting down the corridor. Harry twisted in his arms and cooed: “Moo-Moo!”
Remus skittered to a halt in front of them and fell to his knees, wrapping his arms around him and Harry.
“Thank Merlin!” he gasped, his voice wet. “I was at your house, and I thought -” he cut himself off, gulping. He pulled away to look James and Harry over, glancing at Lily. “What are you doing here?” he asked. “Are you hurt? You are bleeding!”
“We know,” Lily griped. “Tell him to see a healer, please? He’s refusing treatment.”
Remus frowned, searching James’ gaze.
“It’s Pads,” James muttered. “We’re still waiting for news.”
Remus’ gaze widened. He just stared at James for a long moment.
They both looked up when footsteps echoed in the hallway. James’ shrunk down in disappointment when he realised it wasn’t a healer that was approaching them.
“Headmaster,” Lily said, getting to her feet.
“Lily,” Dumbledore nodded. “I’m glad to see you safe and sound. We assumed the worst after we saw your house.”
She gulped and nodded.
“What happened, Prongs?” Remus asked, trying to catch his eyes.
James’ arms tightened around Harry. “He told us to run,” he breathed. “He said he’d hold him back.”
“What?” Remus asked, looking at Lily for help, but Lily had become very white, her eyes far away.
“Voldemort,” Dumbledore said. It was not a question. He looked from Lily to James. “Would you be comfortable to share your memories with me?” he asked. “It would save you the horror of reliving what happened.”
Lily nodded immediately. Dumbledore produced a phial from his robes, and Lily raised her wand to her sleeve, removing the memory. She held it out to James, who just looked at it for a moment, overwhelmed. Remus reached out for Harry, who came to him willingly. His hands now free, James pulled out his wand and took the phial from his wife. He produced the memory and added it to the phial in robotic motions, handing it back to the headmaster.
Dumbledore nodded.
“Thank you,” he nodded. He looked James over. “Did a healer have a look at you, James?”
“No,” Lily answered for him, annoyance sharpening her senses once more. “Please help me convince him, Sir.”
“I’m not going anywhere until I know what’s going on with Sirius,” James shook his head.
“There is nothing you can do for Sirius right now, James,” Dumbledore insisted. “And you won’t help him if you collapse yourself.”
“I’m here now,” Remus said gently. “I promise I won’t move a muscle until you’re back, and I’ll make sure you’re told immediately when there’s news.”
James hesitated at that. “You would?” he asked.
“Of course,” Remus nodded. “I can take care of Harry, too. I’ve got this. Just get yourself seen to, Prongs.”
James gulped and nodded. “As soon as you hear anything, you tell me,” he insisted.
“I will,” Remus promised.
James nodded again, still hesitating. He reached out to brush his hand over Harry’s shaggy hair. Harry didn’t open his eyes, only snuggling further into Remus’ chest. He clearly needed some rest.
“Harry will be fine with me,” Remus repeated. “Just go.”
James looked up at Lily, who was waiting, wordlessly watching him. He sighed and got to his feet.
“He’s been fussy all day,” Lily grumbled, side-eyeing the way Harry was peacefully sleeping on Sirius’ chest, his little fingers knotted into the man’s long hair.
“What do you want me to say?” Sirius’ whispered sheepishly. “I’m the super godfather. I have superpowers.”
“Just be grateful we have some peace and quiet, at last,” James pointed out, catching her eyes.
Lily frowned but didn’t respond. They had been snapping at each other for days. James hoped that it was just because they were exhausted and stressed.
“I’m going to have a nap,” Lily sighed, turning for the stairs.
James waited until she was out of hearing distance before sitting next to his friend on the couch.
“I’m sorry about her,” he muttered. “Thank you for this, really. We needed a break.”
“No worries,” Sirius smiled. “That’s what I’m here for. And I love hanging out with the little guy.”
James smiled fondly at him. “And he loves you. You’re so good with him.”
“It’s easy when I come in all fresh-faced with a full night of sleep,” Sirius joked, and James snorted. “You should have a lie-down, too,” Sirius pointed out.
James grimaced. He didn’t feel like following Lily upstairs right now.
“You mind if I stay here to get some shut-eye?” he asked.
“Nope,” Sirius shrugged. “You do you.”
James smiled and made himself comfortable on the couch, drawing the blanket close to him. Sirius chuckled when James lay his feet into his lap.
“I should change my job title,” he grinned. “Clearly, I’m a professional pillow.”
“And you’re excellent at it,” James agreed sleepily.
The healer hummed as she cast the fifteenth diagnostic spell on James. James was beginning to feel impatient.
“How much longer is this going to take?” he asked.
“James,” Lily hissed.
“What?!” James snapped.
“If you’re going to fuss, it will take even longer,” the healer hummed coolly, noting down some results with a frown. She pushed James’ fringe aside to peer at his forehead, her frown deepening.
“Is there anything wrong with me?” James demanded. “Because I feel fine.”
The healer - whose James couldn’t remember the name of to save his life - finally met his eyes.
“You seem healthy,” she declared. “But there are traces of dark magic on you that I can’t quite pinpoint.”
“What traces?” Lily asked sharply.
“Well, for one, there is that curse scar,” she said, indicating James’ forehead. “I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
James glanced at the mirror across the room, realising that the scar on his forehead was indeed shaped very distinctly. Like a lightning, maybe.
“All right,” he said. “So I have a weirdly-shaped scar. That surely doesn’t mean anything. I have plenty of scars.”
“I’d agree,” the healer inclined her head. “If it weren’t for the traces of dark magic in your magical aura.” She caught his eyes. “I’d like you to stay in. Take more tests.”
“What?!” James said. “No! This is ridiculous! I feel fine!”
“James!” Lily hissed. “If the healer says you should stay in, you bloody well listen to her!”
“I can’t stay here when I don’t know what’s going on with Sirius!” James argued.
“Merlin’s soggy pants!” Lily snapped. “Can you stop thinking about Sirius Black for one bloody second?!”
“He sacrificed himself for us, Lily!” James called, getting to his feet. “I’m not abandoning him!”
Lily threw up her hands. “Fine!” she hissed. “Do whatever you want! Excuse me for caring about your health!”
With that, she stormed out of the room. Sirius glanced at the healer, who had returned to her desk and was filling out her form.
“I can’t force you to stay,” he said evenly. “But I’d urge you to come in for further testing as soon as you feel able to. This is my diagnosis,” she finished, handing him the form. “Please bring it when you make a new appointment with one of my colleagues.”
“Thanks,” James nodded, taking the form from her.
“Of course, you’re on his side!” Remus snarled, turning away from him.
“I’m on no one’s side!” James called. “I just think he’s been punished enough!”
“This is not about punishment!” Remus snapped. “I can’t trust him any more, Prongs. It’s as simple as that.”
“I know he made a mistake,” James winced. “But we know he’s dealing with a lot at home, and -”
“Well, I’m dealing with a lot, too,” Remus glowered. “That doesn’t mean I’d betray my friends and risk a classmates’ life! That’s fucked up and you know it!”
“Of course, I do!” James called. “And so does he! He told us before anything could happen because he regretted it immediately! He apologised a thousand times!”
“That’s great, but him apologising doesn’t mean I have to forgive him, James! You realise what could have happened?!”
“I do.”
“Not only could I have turned and killed another student, but even if it had somehow all gone well, I could have been expelled,” Remus growled. “I can’t forgive that, so don’t ask me to.”
James was silent for a long moment. “We swore we’d be there for each other through the rough times,” he breathed. “No matter what.”
“James,” Remus ground out, his voice tight.
“And I agree, this is a really rough patch. But we wouldn’t be friends if we gave up on each other every time we made a mistake, even if it is a massive one like this.” Remus kept quiet when James caught his eyes. “Yes, Sirius fucked up,” he agreed. “He fucked up bad, and he’ll have to make up for it. But I still think he deserves a chance to do that. Because I’m convinced he didn’t do it cold-heartedly to hurt you, or even Snivellus. He lashed out because there’s only so much pain he can take before breaking.”
Remus looked away. He muttered under his breath.
“What?” James asked.
“I can’t win when it’s about Sirius,” he muttered, sounding resigned. “Whatever. I’m not saying I’ll forgive him, but you can do whatever. I don’t care.”
James smiled slightly. “Okay,” he nodded. “That’s a start.”
When James returned to the waiting area, Lily was just gathering a whining Harry from Remus’ arms.
“What are you doing?” James frowned.
“We’re going to stay with Mary for the night,” Lily muttered. “I need a good night’s sleep, and so does Harry. We can figure everything else out tomorrow.”
It was on the tip of James’ tongue to ask her to leave Harry with him, but he knew that would be irresponsible. She was right. Harry needed some rest.
“All right,” he nodded. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Lily nodded and left without another word. Remus met his eyes.
“Is everything okay?” he asked. “What did the healer say?”
“Everything is fine,” James asked shortly, taking the seat next to him. “Any news about Pads?”
“Nothing,” Remus shook his head. He frowned. “Hey, I was wondering, do you know how to contact Reg? He doesn’t know what happened, right?”
James winced and shook his head. “No,” he said. “I have no clue.”
“Right,” Remus nodded. He bit his lip. “One more thing. You haven’t heard from Pete, right?”
“No,” James shook his head. “Why?”
“It’s just -” Remus hesitated. “James, how did You-Know-Who find you?”
James frowned. “I don’t know,” he shook his head. “Sirius just turned up and told us that we had to leave; that he was coming. But it was too late. I don’t know what happened.”
“Clearly, Sirius wasn’t your secret keeper?” Remus prodded.
“No,” James shook his head. “He convinced me that he’d be too obvious a choice. That Pete would be less conspicuous.” James’ eyes widened. “You think the Death Eaters got to him?”
“I don’t know,” Remus said, looking worried. “But we should find out quickly. You mind if I send a message to Dumbledore?”
“No,” James shook his head, running a nervous hand through his dirty hair. “Go ahead. I’ll be here.”
“Everywhere is full already!” Peter muttered unhappily.
“I’m sure there’s place somewhere,” James shrugged, and indeed, when they pushed further through the train, they finally found a compartment occupied by one single student. James confidently pushed open the door. “Hi,” he beamed. “Do you mind? The train is really crowded, it’s hard to find seats.”
“Sure, go ahead,” the boy nodded, indicating to the free seats. His hair was mousy grey and there was a red, angry scar across his cheek.
“I’m James Potter,” James smiled, reaching out his hand to introduce himself. “And this is Peter Pettigrew. We live in the same neighbourhood.”
“Nice to meet you,” the boy smiled. “I’m Remus. Lupin. Remus Lupin.”
“Cool,” James smiled, settling into his seat before looking out of the window to find his parents. He found them just as the train started to roll, waving. “Right,” he sighed. “Someone up for Exploding Snap?”
Before the others could answer, though, the compartment door slid open once more and a boy with long black hair and aristocratic features stepped into the compartment.
“Hi,” he grinned. “You don’t by any chance have room for one more?”
“Sure,” James shrugged, indicating the seat next to Remus. “Sit.”
“Thanks,” the boy sighed, sliding in and making himself comfortable. “I was this close to having to sit with my cousin. You saved me.”
James snorted. “It’s our pleasure.” He studied Sirius more closely. He looked familiar somehow, but James couldn’t put his finger on how. “I’m James Potter,” he introduced himself. “What’s your name?”
“Sirius Black,” the boy said. Peter immediately tensed, exchanging an uncomfortable look with James. The Blacks were quite the notorious pureblood family, and not in a positive manner. “Ahh,” Sirius said, watching them with a wry smile. “I see you’ve heard about my family.”
“Hard not to,” James shrugged.
“Right,” Sirius acknowledged. “I’ll save you the awkward questions: Yes, they’re really as terrible as everyone says. Alas, why I’m looking for asylum.”
James smirked. “Well, in that case, we’d have been remiss in our civic duty not to grant it.”
“Quite,” Sirius grinned back. “I’m glad you recognise the gravity of the situation.”
Peter was still looked slightly hesitant, but James decided, right then and there, that he liked Sirius Black, his family be damned. He pulled out the box of Bertie Bott’s his mother had packed for him and offered its content to the other boys.
“So,” he asked. “What house are we getting sorted into?”
Next to James, Remus was periodically nodding off. James, though, didn’t even feel the exhaustion any more. It was like he was outside his body, floating next to himself as he waited for news.
Healers and attendants walked by constantly, but never stopped to talk to them. Whenever James stopped someone to ask about Sirius, he got the same answer: There were no news yet. He needed to be patient.
James didn’t know how much time had passed. There was no clock around, and even if there had been, he had no idea when they’d come in.
When finally, someone approached them, it took James a moment to realise that he was being addressed. He jumped up at once, waking Remus with a start, who almost fell from his chair.
“Are you Mr Black’s immediate family?” the healer checked.
“I’m his emergency contact,” James said. “My name is James Fleamont Potter, I’m officially registered. Please check his patient file.”
“I will ask the staff,” she nodded, noting something down and charming the paper as a missile to fly off. “Does he have any other immediate family?”
“A brother, but he is hard to contact,” James said. “He doesn’t speak to the rest of his family. Excuse me, but can you please tell me how he is?”
“I first have to confirm that I can give out the information,” the healer said, though not unkindly. She looked up when the missile she had sent out returned, catching and opening it. She read it in silence before nodding. “Very good, Mr Potter. If you would follow me.”
James looked back at Remus for a moment, who gestured for him to go. “I’ll be here,” he mouthed. James nodded and followed the healer down the corridor until they reached a sterile office.
“Please sit,” she said, and James did, though he would have preferred to stay on his feet. “Mr Potter, my name is Healer Miriam Thorne. I’m the Senior Healer in charge of Critical Magical Injuries.”
“Okay,” James said slowly.
“Mr Black is currently in a magical coma,” Healer Thorne informed him. “He is stable, but we cannot guarantee if or when he will wake.”
James just stared at her uncomprehending. “What?” he asked.
“It appears that Mr Black was hit with the killing curse,” she explained. “It is a miracle that he is still alive.”
“There is a lot of that going around today,” James muttered, without emotion.
“We think his heart must have briefly stopped when the curse hit,” Healer Thorne continued. “But restarted for whatever reason. Our working theory is that his mind is currently stuck between life and death.”
For a long moment, James couldn’t speak. He just stared at her mutely, feeling completely numb. He wasn’t even sure if he was breathing.
“I realise that this must be a shock to you,” Healer Thorne said. “And I promise you, we’re trying our best to -”
“What does that mean,” James breathed, “‘stuck between life and death’?”
Her expression softened a little. “It means that we can’t currently reach him,” she explained. “But we are going to keep trying. We just need time. This is a completely new kind of magic we have never been faced with.”
His head was spinning. James tried to draw in air, but found it difficult.
“But I haven’t heard from him for a month!” James called. “Something is wrong, I know it is!”
Euphemia and Fleamont exchanged worried looks.
“We’re concerned, too, Jamie,” Euphemia said softly. “But we can’t just march up to the Black house and demand to know where Sirius is.”
“Why not?!” James snapped.
“For one, we don’t know where the Blacks live,” Fleamont pointed out, very practically. “The most we can do is send an owl, but clearly, that is no use, seeing how yours came back unopened.”
“Then we have to go to the Ministry!” James called. “Alert someone!”
“And say what, Jamie?” Fleamont asked. “That a school boy hasn’t been answering his letters?”
“It’s not funny!” James yelled.
“I’m not saying it’s funny,” Fleamont shook it’s head. “But you need to be realistic, James. Sirius is fourteen and while he lives with his family, we have no right to ask for information about his whereabouts unless we have concrete proof that he is unwell. Do you have any proof?”
James’ eyes prickled. He shook his head.
“I’m sorry, my boy,” Fleamont shook his head. “Then we can’t help this time.”
Euphemia reached out to squeeze her son’s shoulder. “I know you love him like a brother,” she said softly. “But you’ll just have to accept that, sometimes, he’s going to be out of your reach, and you can’t help him, as painful as that might be.”
“Well,” James breathed. “I think that’s bullshit.”
James stood in the doorway of Sirius’ hospital room, staring at his best friends’ unmoving form. Diagnostic charms were blinking above his head, indicating heartbeat and brain activity and magical aura. His chest was moving steadily.
He was right there. James could touch him if he tried. And yet, he wasn’t.
With halting movements, James crossed the distance to the bed until he was standing at Sirius’ bedside. His fingers were trembling as he reached for his friend’s still hand. His skin was warm, and his pulse was beating steadily. His black nail polish had started to peel off, and he had lost a ring.
James’ grip tightened on his hand.
“I’m not letting you leave me, do you hear me?” he whispered. “So you’d better get back here right now, because I can’t do this without you, you arsehole.”
Sirius didn’t react, gently sleeping on.