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"Hyung!" cries Taehyung. He lands half on top of Seokjin, knee perilously close to Seokjin's groin.
He groans theatrically. "Taehyung! Be careful of your hyung, he's old and decrepit."
"But still handsome," Taehyung says cheerfully.
Seokjin wants to roll into him but doesn't allow himself to. Taehyung has to earn it.
"I'm always handsome," Seokjin sniffs.
"Hyung, what are you doing? What's on the ceiling? Why do you have so many pillows? You're going to hurt your neck!" Taehyung lifts Seokjin up — without even trying! Why did this child have to become an adult! — and steals one of his pillows. He stuffs it under his own head and then lies down in the same position Seokjin is in.
"Nothing is on the ceiling," Seokjin finally sighs, after several minutes of Tae staring silently at the ceiling. "The room just isn't dark enough."
"Oh, hyung! I can fix that. Are you meditating?"
No. "Yes."
"Okay, I'm definitely the best one to help with this," Taehyung tells him authoritatively. Seokjin prepares himself for something horrible to happen to him.
Instead of a terror he can't even picture, Taehyung snuggles close, puts his head on Seokjin's shoulder, and reaches over with one of his big hands to cover Seokjin's eyes. His hand covers both, his shoulders dwarfing Seokjin's. His weight is… a lot.
Seokjin remembers when any of his babies could lie on him and not depress his breathing. Not anymore.
Taehyung's hand is a little sweaty, but it smells like Jiminie's moisturizer and banana milk and chocolate. Tae rubs his face against Seokjin's pajamas a little and sighs. Then he says in a low, smooth voice, "Okay, hyung, now focus your mind. Keep your eyes closed."
Seokjin sighs but closes his eyes.
Then Taehyung moves his hand. Over Seokjin's face, his neck. He unbuttons each button of Seokjin's pajama shirt, scratching his nails down, and then gets to his pajama pants and tucks his fingertips just under the waistband.
"Okay, hyung," Taehyung says, "now breathe with me."
Now breathe?
"You're touching your hyung inappropriately," grouses Seokjin, but he could have stopped Tae at any time, could still stop him, and just doesn't. Doesn't. And of course Taehyung knew he wouldn't, since he never does.
"That's okay, hyung." Tae noses at Seokjin's chin. "Ready? Breathe."
He pushes on Seokjin's abdomen with his fingertips. "In," he says, and holds the very light pressure. Seokjin rolls his eyes but breathes in.
"Now out," says Tae, and pushes harder and harder, like he's pushing the air out of Seokjin's lungs, except he's got his fingers tangled in Seokjin's pubic hair.
"In… out. In… out," Tae coaches, and Seokjin is surprised to find that it's actually… easier. Easier to breathe with Taehyung touching him, damp breath on his jaw and throat, heavy weight holding him down.
At some point he does drift off, and when he wakes, he's surprised to find it's several — many! — hours later, and Tae is still there with him, the big spoon. His hand is under Seokjin's pajama pants, lightly cupping Seokjin's soft dick like it's a scared little animal he's protecting.
Seokjin could push him away, could roll away, could get up and go elsewhere. Instead he stays, stays with Tae, blanketed with Taehyung's big, strong body, comfortingly held in his hand.
++
"Hyung, you busy?"
Seokjin looks over from the window to Yoongi.
"Never too busy for my worst dongsaeng," he says. "Come tell hyung what's wrong."
"Nothing is wrong," says Yoongi, squishing into the chair next to Seokjin and pulling Seokjin's arm over his shoulders. "I just need my hyung."
Seokjin eyes him. "Oh, you do?"
"Yes," Yoongi says promptly. "Of course I do."
Seokjin looks over Yoongi's shoulder at where Namjoon, Jimin, and Jeongguk are grouped together watching them.
"Of course you do," says Seokjin drily. "What can hyung do for you, Yoongiya?"
"I need a nap and that means I need hyung's shoulder." Yoongi curls up tiny into him. How Yoongi can make himself so small is astonishing to Seokjin. It's like he has no bones.
He hates being manipulated by his members. Especially when it's Yoongi, who almost never asks for anything.
And yet still Seokjin finds himself pulling Yoongi closer, and tugging his own sweatshirt out of his bag to drape over Yoongi, even though Yoongi's already wearing a sweatshirt and a jacket, adjusting his position to lean against Yoongi himself.
"I'll wake you up when the plane is finally ready," says Yoongi, pushing his face closer to Seokjin's armpit.
Seokjin sighs, but shuts his eyes. It's bright in the room, since they're looking out west, at the sun setting behind their plane that's getting maintenance'd. He can't really get comfortable, not with the sun, not with knowing they're going to be late to their next stop, not with knowing that there's something wrong with the plane.
And he didn't sleep at all last night. He had lost the draw and ended up in the room next to Koo and Joon. Even worse than when they fuck all night, they had been shrieking with laughter. All night. Wonderful and comforting at the best of times, but after a sixteen hour day is not the best of times.
"Oh, hyung," says Jimin. "I have something for you!"
Seokjin thinks he's talking to a different hyung until something is slipped over his face. It smells like lavender, and is warm and — oh. A steaming eye mask.
Jimin slides the ear loops over Seokjin's ears and tucks them carefully, and then begins stroking Seokjin's hair.
"What a good hyung, taking care of hyung," he croons. Seokjin hates it when Jiminie on purpose just says hyung so you never know who he's really talking about. He only does it when he's gotten his way about something and doesn't want to admit it.
So is his way Seokjin napping, or Yoongi? No way to know. What a little devil.
"What a little devil," Seokjin mutters, and then a sweatshirt is being put over him, and it smells like orange blossoms. Jimin's. Seokjin tucks his nose into sweatshirt and lets his head rest on top of Yoongi's and focuses on how nice the heat feels on his tired eyes.
Yoongi is asleep when the managers come around to wake everyone up with cups of hot tea, because it's finally time to get on the plane and head off. The flight isn't very long, but Seokjin still pickpockets another eye mask from Jimin's backpack, reclines his seat, and shuts his eyes right away. And when he wakes up as the plane lands, Yoongi is curled up next to him again, Seokjin's sweatshirt pulled up over his face.
++
"Jeongguk, I swear to fucking god," Seokjin snaps, and then feels embarrassed when the room gets quiet. The chattering coordi noonas get quiet; Yoongi even looks up from his notebook to see what's going on.
"Sorry, hyung," mutters Jeongguk, and separates himself carefully from Seokjin, putting his tongue back into his mouth where it belongs, instead of on Seokjin's neck.
Fuck.
"Baby, no," starts Seokjin, already feeling the crush of guilt and shame and…
The noise level of the room rises again, and all Seokjin can hear is piercing laughs and people chewing fried chicken and hamburgers. Seokjin doesn't get overstimulated like this very often, but days of bad sleep and exhausting schedules and putting everything he has on stage for army has left all his defenses down.
Jeongguk crosses the room quickly and tucks himself behind Jimin, head down, hood up. How is it that Jeongguk is in his thirties and still looks fourteen when he's upset?
Seokjin closes his eyes and sucks in a deep breath, and gets ready to stand up and go apologize. But there's a hand on his shoulder before he can.
"Hey, hyung," says Hobi. "I'm really tired, I didn't sleep at all last night. Would you come nap with me? I don't want to go alone."
This could either be total bullshit because Hobi wants to get Seokjin away from everyone and the noise and the smells, or it could be real because Hobi hates being alone backstage anywhere, leftover from being alone all the time during his solo tour, and the circles under his eyes are going to be tough to cover with makeup.
Seokjin nods, and lets Hobi take his hand and help him off the couch.
"Smells in here," Hobi mutters. Food, sweat, makeup, hairspray. The air is too still and there are no fans and there are too many people and cameras.
A few doors down is the room full of boxes of extra equipment for when things inevitably break. Extra in-ears and replacement microphones and guitar strings and drumsticks…
Hobi brings him over to a corner that doesn't have any boxes in it — someone must have scoped this out earlier. Seokjin's money is on Jiminie and Yoongles, for some euphemistic time alone (or for some real time alone so Yoongi could put his face under Jimin's shirt, in his armpit, with noise cancelling earplugs in).
God, Seokjin could use some noise cancelling earplugs right now.
"I didn't sleep either," he murmurs to Hobi, as Hobi strips out of his leather jacket and sweatshirt. He watches Hobi make a little nest out of them on the floor, step back to look at it, frown, and then crouch to rearrange it. Seokjin tugs his own sweatshirt off too, and offers it to Hobi. Hobi nods and takes it, tucks it in, and then holds out his hand to Seokjin.
"Come on, hyung, let's take a nap," he says. Seokjin grunts as he kneels down on the floor.
"My fucking knees," he mutters.
"Getting old," agrees Hobi, and pulls Seokjin to him before Seokjin can snap at him, arranging him the same way he arranged the clothes to make a little nest.
Seokjin is usually on the bottom, the members curling up on top of him, taking comfort from him, with Seokjin rubbing their backs or stroking their hair. This time Hobi manhandles him to put him on top, holding him close. Hobi strokes his hair, Hobi rubs his back.
"I should be doing this, I'm the hyung," he says into Hobi's neck, and Hobi just makes a disbelieving noise in the back of his throat, and moves from stroking Seokjin's hair to holding him tightly.
"It's hard this week. Too many shows up against each other," Hobi says softly. "If I'm tired, hyung, I can't imagine how you feel, always taking care of us and never taking a break."
"I take breaks," protests Seokjin, but even he can hear how weak he sounds.
"You're taking a break right now," Hobi says, and squeezes him more tightly. "Just twenty minutes, hyung, I promise, we won't miss anything. Take a break with me."
"If you insist," says Seokjin on a sigh, and shuts his eyes, breathes in Hobi's sharp forest cologne and the sweat that somehow doesn't bother him when it's just the two of them together. He opens his mouth and kisses Hobi's neck, feels him shiver, kisses him again.
Hobi tugs on his hair and laughs softly. "If you're still in the mood tonight, Seokjinnah, but let's nap right now."
Seokjin doesn't snap for an honorific, just sighs again and lets his body relax into Hobi's, lets Hobi take his weight. He hopes Hobi will nap, too, really will shut his eyes for the same twenty minutes Seokjin does.
++
It's so infuriating. Seokjin has been longing for home, and true quiet, for weeks. Just… ten minutes by himself with no one calling for him to go get his hair done, his makeup, rehearsal, soundcheck, a live, a TikTok, a brand meeting, and, of course, hyung, hyung! Hyung!
But now that they're on a tour break, now that he's home in his quiet, soothing apartment, he can't settle. Everyone is missing. It's too quiet, everything is too still.
He lies down in bed in total darkness because Joon isn't going to trip over anything going to the bathroom, the temperature turned all the way down because he doesn't have to account for Yoongi and Jimin running cold, the white noise machine on because Jeongguk isn't here to complain that it gives him electricity feelings under his skin in a bad way and Jimin isn't here to make up songs to the rhythm of the noise, the blankets perfectly placed on him because Hobi isn't here to push them into a nest he can curl into, the pillows stacked high because Tae isn't here to complain about his neck…
He lies in bed and it all feels wrong, it all feels like something is wrong, maybe like there's even some kind of problem he needs to get up and solve. One of his members is in trouble, probably, and after so many years where he couldn't be the one they came to for help getting out of trouble, he hates that right now, in this moment, they aren't.
His phone is lying next to the bed, on the charging pad, so he reaches for it. Bad sleep hygiene and bad for his eyes, but he squints at it and types into the group room:
Hyung's babies are all okay?
Waiting, waiting. No messages back. Situation normal for Koo and Yoongi, but where's everyone else? It's only one am, they should all still be awake.
Seokjin shuts his eyes and tries the meditation Taehyung sometimes walks him through, pressing his own fingers against his stomach. He floats away on it a little, but still can't sleep and now his eyes are getting gritty.
He gives up and gets up, thinking about a cup of tea and a sageuk drama — surely that combination will at least let him nap on the couch. The kettle is on when his door beeps.
Of course he's the only one who's registered everyone's fingerprints, given them his door code. It could also, theoretically, be his mother or his brother, but that's unlikely this close to two am.
"Hyung?" calls someone from the foyer, and then there's an immediate crash and a mournful, "Owww." Joon.
"Hyung is in the kitchen!" Seokjin calls. Good thing he always keeps the kettle full. There will be enough for Joon to have a cup of tea too.
But Seokjin presses the 85° button, because Joon ended up with a third degree burn on one of his toes several years ago from spilling a cup of tea he'd made with boiling hot water, and since then Seokjin does not ever give him anything to hold that is past 85° if he can help it.
Joon appears in the kitchen doorway, dressed incredibly sharply. Seokjin raises his eyebrows and whistles, and Joon flushes. "I was out. I was going home when I saw your message, so I thought…" He shrugs awkwardly. "Maybe you'd like some company?"
"Hyung always wants your company," Seokjin assures him, even though it's patently untrue and Joon knows it.
He looks hesitant, very likely because after their last show before this break, Seokjin had said, "No one talk to me for at least a week," and stomped off.
Seokjin makes them each a cup of tea, apologizing to his ancestors for not using boiling water, and watches Joon take his first sip before sipping his own.
Finally Joon says, "You okay, hyung?"
Seokjin shakes his head. "I'm fine, Joonah, just… tired. Wound up."
"Yeah, I couldn't sleep either, that's why I went out. But.." He shrugs. "It didn't help."
That could mean any number of things, from not being able to find someone interesting to hook up with, to the hookup being disappointing, to the music being bad, to the general vibe being off. Seokjin just nods.
"My eyes are all gritty," he confesses. "Like I haven't slept in a week."
Namjoon grunts. "I always feel so fucked up when we pause tour. And only two weeks? Just enough time to get sick and barely recover." He rubs his sinuses. "I can feel it coming."
Seokjin puts his hand, warm from the mug of tea, to his eyes, letting the warmth seep in. "Shit, maybe that's what I'm feeling."
"I don't know why it's always a surprise, you know? It happens every time and every time I'm like, what the fuck is happening?" Joon huffs a laugh. "I got a new air filter and a new humidifier and my mom said, why are you filtering the humidifier! I didn't even realize I was doing that. My room is so dry, though."
"Air filters make everything drier because then there's no place for the bacteria to linger," Seokjin tells Joon. "They take all the particles and water in the air is a particle."
"That makes sense." Joon nods. "Why is this tea the perfect temperature? How did you do that."
"Hyung takes care of everything," Seokjin says serenely and Joon huffs out a laugh.
"I wish you could make me fall asleep," he sighs. "Can you fix that, hyung?"
"Of course hyung can fix that. Finish your tea and come to bed." Seokjin cannot fix it, but there's no point in saying that. At least they'll be awake together.
Except once Joon has stripped down to his underwear (leaving his clothes in a pile on the floor that Seokjin picks up and folds while Namjoon is brushing his teeth), and Seokjin has taken off his pajamas (and laid them over the chair in the corner), it's like a deep breath out to press together.
"Ohh," sighs Namjoon. Then: "Hyung, can I be the big spoon?"
"Of course, Namjoonah," Seokjin says, and turns over, gets comfortable on his side.
Namjoon grunts and says, "Sorry," and then presses against him, pulling Seokjin's body tight against his.
"Ahh," Seokjin sighs. "Joon, why is your dick so big."
"Why is your tea always the perfect temperature?" Namjoon mumbles into the back of his neck.
"Because hyung likes to take care of you," Seokjin returns quietly, and has to strain to hear Joon's reply.
"Same, hyung," he says — slurs, really.
He's asleep in moments, before Seokjin can even laugh at him. His breathing is even, snuffling, his snores just little these days, almost drowned out by the brown noise of the machine Seokjin hadn't turned off.
His arm is a strong band around Seokjin's chest, his dick a comforting weight against Seokjin's ass. His skin is hot and his breath is damp, and even though it takes Seokjin a while to fall asleep, he doesn't feel so antsy anymore. Doesn't feel like something is wrong anymore. One of his babies is here with him, so all his babies must be okay.
++
How many days are they going to sit in this studio and do fucking nothing? Or do the same thing over and over again? This is even worse than last time. The company always wants them to do everything bigger and better and different. What happened to just talking about what's in their hearts?
What happened to just being themselves?
Seokjin isn't any bigger or better or brighter than he was three years ago. He's actually older and more tired and softer. Much softer. He doesn't want to do something so wildly different that's going to take them a step to the side. He wants to do something fun that's going to be cheerful and that will touch people's hearts.
He actually does not believe his members don't want that too. They're just… distracted. It has to be that they're distracted, that they're under pressure, that they're listening to the wrong voices tell them what Bangtan is.
He makes eye contact with Joon and jerks his head to indicate Joon should come over. He does, sits down next to Seokjin on the lumpy couch, arm on the backrest but not touching Seokjin.
"What's up, hyung?" he asks, and Seokjin pulls his leg up onto the couch and turns to Joon.
"I think we need to get away."
"Get away," repeats Joon.
Seokjin sweeps his hand out to indicate the noisy, crowded room full of irritated people arguing about lyrics and beats and how they're behind schedule.
"I want to go away from this. I want us to go away from this. I want to know who we are in… when…" He struggles to find the words but Namjoon waits patiently for him, leadernim face on. "I want us to be quiet."
Namjoon presses his lips together hard enough that one of his dimples shows, and nods. "I'll make it happen, hyung. Give me a few days."
Seokjin shuts his eyes and sighs, and nods. And sure enough, two days later they're in a cabin. A very rustic cabin. Not exactly what Seokjin had been picturing when he'd said he had wanted them to get away and be quiet, but he needs to trust Joon knows what he's doing.
The cabin is five rooms: two bedrooms, each with two beds; a kitchen with a table that seats four; a bathroom; a living area that would be a comfortable size for four or five people but not seven. There's no studio or office, there's no pool or jacuzzi, there's no rice cooker. They're in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, on a mountain where they're probably the only Asian people for six hundred kilometers in any direction. Except for the managers and security staying in a hotel in town, anyway.
And they are right on a big lake, with their own dock.
The lake is really too cold to go into, even though it's spring. So when they go outside that first night, they don't swim, just lie on the dock, on fleece blankets, and look up at the night sky. Seokjin finds the Big Dipper and watches it, slowly stroking Jimin's head where it rests on his stomach.
"Can't see the stars like this in Seoul," says Jeongguk softly.
"I'm cold," says Hobi, and curls up into Joon. From Jeongguk's grunt, he's still wrapped around Joon, now holding them both. Seokjin ends up with Taehyung on his stomach too, half on top of Jimin, and Yoongi's head next to his, his legs facing in the other direction.
All of them together.
He takes a deep breath, and relaxes each part of his body, one by one. He feels himself settle into where he's supposed to be, one of seven, all the love and connection and support that was missing from the studio fully present, suffusing him. He shuts his eyes against the Big Dipper, taking a few moments to just… be.
He wakes up because Jeongguk is softly coaxing him to sit, to stand, to walk back into the cabin. He ends up on a lumpy bed tucked into Hobi's body, face in Hobi's neck. Wrapped around him from behind is Yoongi, Seokjin can smell his tangerines and cloves.
In the morning when Seokjin finally makes it into the living area, Namjoon is humming and Taehyung is half vocalizing and half making up nonsense words to the rhythm. Hobi and Jimin are having a "who can spin faster" contest that Jeongguk is judging (and, Seokjin suspects, will eventually win himself). Yoongi is lying on one of the couches with his arm over his face, but he's tapping a beat onto his coffee cup in time with Namjoon's humming and Tae's singing.
Seokjin throws himself down on top of Yoongi and kisses him all over his face while Yoongi shrieks and Seokjin yells at him to respect his elders and stop being such a brat.
When Jeongguk yells, "I respect you, hyung!" Seokjin is ready — sure enough, Jeongguk jumps on top of both of them to kiss all over the back of Seokjin's neck. Jeongguk licks him and sucks on the skin of his traps, and gnaws a little — not biting, just… comforting himself. Seokjin lets him, and it settles Jeongguk down quickly. He does lean over for a kiss from Yoongi, but then goes back to lying on Seokjin, finally still, just his fingers tapping a quick rhythm.
Then all three of them tense when Taehyung yells, "Me!" and lands on top of all of them, and Seokjin is crushed so Yoongi is crushed, but the heavy weight does feel good.
Hobi comes over, and Jimin, and then the six of them are balanced on top of each other.
"Oh no, oh shit," says Yoongi under his breath. Seokjin completely understands and starts to laugh, just as Namjoon tries to climb on top and knocks all over them over to sprawl on the floor. Even Seokjin gets knocked down, and he can't catch his breath for laughing.
That night, Hobi and Jeongguk push two of the beds together, and they all cram onto them. Seokjin falls asleep listening to Jimin hum, Jeongguk and Joon kiss, Taehyung recite something in French from memory getting more and more breathless as Hobi sucks his dick, and Yoongi letting out little kitty snuffles in his ear.
This is what they need. Moments of connection. To be reminded of who they really are when they're together.
It's easy to fall asleep.