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It's always in his room late at night that Mike deals with his spiraling mind, that just can't seem to ever shut up. He never tells anyone anything going on in it.
He sits and suffers in silence, not because he wants to. But because when he tries to share the storm that lives in his head and heart, the words freeze in his throat
He sits and suffers in silence because if people know how much he struggles, will they think he’s weak?
If they know all these things he carries that he feels ashamed of to his very core, will they walk out the door and never come back?
If he told them how he felt about himself would they be scared of him and what he’d do?
If he told them the things he can’t stop wanting, no matter how much he tries, would they be ashamed of who he is?
The words are frozen. They’ll think he’s weak. They’ll leave. They’ll never come back. They’ll be scared of him. They’ll be ashamed of who he is.
The words are frozen. They’ll think he’s weak. They’ll leave. They’ll never come back. They’ll be scared of him. They’ll be ashamed of who he is. Those are the things he tells himself. The words are frozen. They'll think he's we-
The thoughts that keep all the rest stuck inside his head.
And when his emotions come to the surface, people always look like they can see right through him.
And he gets scared.
That’s why all of these feelings get pushed down and ignored.
Ignore ignore ignore.
Ignore the feelings and they’ll have to go away eventually. That’s what he’s always told himself.
All the feelings except anger. Anger is safe. Anger doesn’t make them think he’s weak or fragile.
So he always tells everyone to just fuck off when they ask him about the storm going on.
Channel the hurt and sadness and weakness into anger and he’ll look strong. Normal.
Turn it all into anger. Anger that gets directed to the people he cares about.
Towards his sisters and his mom. Towards his best friends. Towards the boy he loves more than he will ever be allowed to admit or accept.
And then that always comes back to regret. That’s another common feeling.
So he sits and suffers in silence.
Which is why when his sister, Nancy, all but physically forces him into her car to “go on a drive” (which is DEFINITELY not normal), he’s reasonably pretty worried about what's about to happen.
“You don’t have to look so terrified, you know.” She says, finally breaking the silence that’s been filling the car for a good 10 minutes
They sat in Nancy's car driving in circles through town, watching the usual autumn rain come down, mixed with ash from the open gates to the upside down, out the windows. It looks eerie, and almost peaceful somehow. Very Melancholy.
“I’m not terrified, why would I be terrified?” He says, trying to keep his heart from beating out of his chest just at the mere idea of her trying to have some heart-to-heart with him, because lets be real, that's the only reason Nancy would ever drag him out of their house to go on a random drive around the town they're currently stuck in. Even despite the fact that the Wheeler house is very crowded at the moment, (and has been for the last seven months, since Mike returned back from his horrid spring break trip to California, and the Byers' all had to move in with his family) Mike knows him and Nancy both feel the most at peace and safe when at their house, especially because the Byers' are there and they have always felt the safest when they're with Will and Jonathan respectively.
“Look I know this is unusual”
“What?”
“This. Us spending normal time together like siblings are supposed to.”
“You call this normal?” He glares, and she responds with an eye roll
“You know what I mean, Mike.”
“Yeah, yeah I guess” They sit in another minute or two of silence before she finally speaks again
“Look, I’ve been thinking… Do you remember 3 years ago, when Will was still missing, and we promised to tell each other everything from then on? To not let there be any more secrets?”
He tenses at the mention of his best friend being taken and vanishing to the upside down, the start of all of this living hell. “Wow that whole thing felt like a lifetime ago. It feels like this has been happening our whole lives.” Which is true in some ways, in others it feels like his fear is new every day that he wakes up.
“You didn’t answer my question”
“Yeah Nancy , I remember, why?”
She sighs as if she’s getting ready for him to put up a fight “Well we haven’t stuck to that promise. Not even once.”
“Oh.” He says slumping further down into his seat on the passenger side of his sisters car, as his guards go fully up, trying to act like he wasn't preparing for this from the moment she first asked him to drive around.
“Mike we both have so much happening to and all around us right now. We’re both going through unimaginable things and we need someone to talk to about it, that we can just be fully honest with. That we can trust. That’s supposed to be each other.”
“Nance-“
“No no I know what you’re gonna say, I know you don’t want this. I know how much you hate opening up to anybody let alone your sister, which is even more reason why you need to. You’re only fifteen Mike, you can’t have it all figured out on your own and you shouldn’t have to. You deserve to have someone to be fully honest with, to be your true self with.”
Oh. He was so ready to put up as much of a fight towards her as humanly possible.
But something about the last thing she said, about being fully honest and being his true self, made it sound like she knew for a fact he was hiding something. Hiding a part of himself. And the idea that she might have guessed what that thing really is, scared him enough to actually listen for once.
He sighs deeply and gives in, “Okay... what do you want to talk about…?” He asked warily.
"Really?!" She looks shocked like she was expecting this proposition to be entirely hopeless (which, fair.)
"Yeah why not? It's the end of the world, talking about how we feel can't be scarier than things we've experienced, right?" Which feels like a total lie. Despite everything they've seen and gone through, at the end of the day, what feels the scariest? It's Mike's secret and his own thoughts.
It's the fact that he's fallen in love with his best friend. Which in itself isn't the scary part, of course he would fall in love. His best friend is the most gentle, kind, caring, funny, adorable person he's ever known.
It's the fact that his best friend is a boy.
Will.
"I guess it's about time I don't curse someone out just for asking me how I'm feeling"
She gives a forced laugh "Right. Okay what do you want to talk about...?" She says, clearly treading lightly, knowing one wrong move or question could make him close up for good.
"Well uhhh... I don't know.. I guess just what do you want to know?"
"I haven't really thought about it, I didn't think we'd even get to this part" Again, fair. The only reason he agreed is the fear of his sister having caught on to the part of himself that he desperately wishes he were better at hiding. He's been hiding for years he should at least be good at it by now, but he has a feeling he's gotten worse.
"I just want to know how you've been feeling about the crawls...? Everything going on with that?" She asks, but he can tell by the look in her eyes she has a different question she wants the answers to.
He squints at her trying to read her thoughts "Oh, okay. uhm well, I mean sure it's scary yeah. But I feel like we have a good plan, it's all gonna have to work eventually I think."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You look like there's something you have in mind that you want to ask, what is it?"
She hesitates "A- are you sure?"
"Sure...I mean I don't have to answer but I want to hear it."
"Okay...Well- you and El, you never told me what happened with you guys, everyone just knows you aren't together anymore."
Right, El. That's what she wanted to know.
Not Will, okay that's slightly safer. His breakup with El is a slippery slope into the whole being secretly in love with his best friend topic though.
"Oh. Yeah I guess it all happened in California, and Will and I talked about it when it was all happening and I just never thought about explaining it to anyone else. Sorry."
"No don't apologize, I just, I want you to know you can talk to me. So you broke up in California...at the start of your trip? Or after everything happened?" He knows exactly what she means by everything. El getting arrested, the Byers' house getting shot up, Brenner and El...etc.
"Technically we officially broke up after, but we weren't doing great at the start either." He says with a slightly disinterested tone. He loves and cares about El he really does, it's just never been in the way people expected him to. It feels hard to talk about it all knowing that people think he was in love with her and all. Feels wrong knowing they don't know the truth from his side.
"So why did you break up? What happened?"
"I guess it just wasn't working out"
She glared at him from her side of the car "Bullshit. There has to be more to it than that. You said things weren't great to start but it wasn't over until the end of the trip, what happened in that time?"
He let out a long sigh, knowing she wasn't gonna give this up. "We fought. Like, bad, before everything got crazy. And yeah we weren't doing great before that, but that really started the breakup. It wasn't what truly ended it either though."
Nancy pulled out of town, where they'd still just been driving in circles this whole time, to drive down country roads outside of the heart of Hawkins, but still inside what the military has contained.
"What was the fight about?"
He took a deep breath "I couldn't tell her I love her. I couldn't even write it in any of my letters. She confronted me about it and I just kinda- froze? I couldn't say it for some reason, even after she brought it to my attention. Which is strange because I've said it before! I mean it wasn't directly to her it was more about her- you were there. But still! ...I- I don't know what happened" He knows all too well why he couldn't say it. Has known ever since she told him she loves him the day the Byers' left for California. The moment he realized he didn't love her. He loved someone else.
Nancy just can't learn why ever.
"That's kinda what happened with me and Steve, did I ever tell you that?" He shook his head in response, glad to change the subject, at least a little, before he started rambling too much and got caught saying too much and being too honest.
"On Halloween I got drunk at this party, and I just started rambling on and on to him. And I said..." She let out a hollow laugh,
"I was going on about how we're 'bullshit',it's all 'bullshit' and, how we're just partying and pretending everything's fine like we didn't kill Barb and 'like we're in love.'"
"...'Like' you were in love?"
"Yeah. That was what Steve said too. So the next day at school he confronts me about it and reminds me what I said, and I tell him everything that I said was bullshit. And that I was just drunk and it didn't mean anything. So he asked me to tell him I really do love him. And I couldn't. For some reason when I was confronted with the truth, I couldn't say it anymore."
"Wow that's...really fucking similar." He says, shocked. Huh. He never thought him and his sister would have similar relationship issues. The thought weirded him out a little bit
She sighed and continued, "Mhm. And I realize in hindsight, that the reason I couldn't say it, wasn't just because he was asking for it. It wasn't just because I was caught off guard. I couldn't say it when he asked me how I truly felt," She spared a quick glance at him "because every time I had said it, was a lie."
Oh.
That's where that was going.
He tensed and just stared out his window, doing his best to face away from her, "Just because it happened to you doesn't mean that's why I couldn't say it." He huffed.
"I know I know, it doesn't automatically. But I can read you Mike and I could see-" She paused so abruptly it made him turn to look at her.
"What?" He asked furrowing his brows
She hesitates for a second, really looking at him, before going on "You know one of the main reasons why I didn't love Steve? Other than the fact that we were just so wrong for each other."
She didn't continue so after a moment he asked, "Why?" bracing himself for the response.
"I was actually in love with Jonathan."
Shit.
That hit him with so much force, he was sure she could see it clear as day on his face. His heart dropped into his stomach for what he could feel coming, as he turned back to his window to hide his face.
"Nice story. Why is that part relevant?" He snapped, trying everything to make his voice normal, but it just came out scared.
"Mike. You said the fight wasn't what truly ended things between you and El, what did?" She sounded like she had figured out what the true story was, just needed the final few pieces to be sure.
He took a shaky breath preparing himself for what he's about to say for the first time.
"Will made a painting." He could hear a sharp intake of breath from his sister, probably from the shock of his immediate and willing mentioned of Will after what she just told him. But he just continued "It's the DND painting of the party, the one on my wall by my desk." He paused, looking to her for recognition, and she nodded in response.
"After I complained about the fight with El to him for probably the hundredth time" He let out a shaky forced laugh, fidgeting with his hands in his lap.
"After that he showed me the painting, he told me El commissioned it. And he told me all of this stuff about how much she needs and loves me. About me making her feel better for being different. And so when she was fighting to save Max and she was in danger, I told her I loved her. And I guess she could tell-" He looked back over at his sister, to see her pulling to the side of the road clearly recognizing that this conversation needs her full attention.
"I guess she could tell when I said it, that I was lying. And so she broke up with me, said we were better as friends and she still cares about me and knows I care about her."
Nancy nodded grimly in response, then spoke up "Why were you able to say it then, after the painting, and not before, when you fought?" She looked like she already knew the answer, but needed the confirmation before she really said something.
"Because when Will gave me the painting and told me all of those things, I wished it had come from him alone and that those words were his. And that scared me, so so bad. so I just decided to bullshit my way through this 'great love confession' to her. It felt easier to hide. It still does but I don't have any way to anymore, so.." he trailed off, refusing to lift his teary eyes and look at Nancy.
"You're in love with Will." The lack of vitriol in her words shocked him enough to make him look up
She was looking at him with so much emotion, that he could only describe as gentleness and pride.
She looked proud of him.
He nodded reluctantly, putting the final nail in his coffin. Not that he could ever come back from the things he'd already said, but there was plausible deniability.
"Mike..." There were now tears of her own rolling down her face
She lunged forward tackling him in a hug (the best she could in her car) so quickly and with so much strength it knocked all the air and tension out of him
He instantly hugged back fiercely and couldn't physically stop himself when he broke down fully, sobbing in his sisters arms. They sat there like that for what felt like forever, but was probably about five minutes.
If he was being honest with himself, (which he rarely does) he knows that Nancy could always somewhat see how he felt about Will.
She had always noticed the extra long glances, the casual touching, the extra level of fierce protectiveness, the way his voice shifted into something softer when talking to Will. All of these were never directed towards Lucas or Dustin either. Just Will.
He had always treated him differently than the others, and it had never gone unnoticed by Nancy. When it was just the two of them, before Lucas and then eventually Dustin came around, it seemed normal. It was the contrast that was the most incriminating, and he always knew that.
"I'm sorry." He was so lost in thought that her words startled him.
"What?"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for never being brave enough to open up and let you feel like you could do the same. I'm sorry for any time I pushed you to be with El. I'm sorry for never telling you that it would be okay with me if you loved a boy instead. I should've told you that years ago but I never wanted to overstep, so I never did. I should've."
"It's okay none of those things are your fault you couldn't have really known, and you were a kid too."
"I'm still sorry." They finally break their embrace and face each other from across the car. Really seeing each other for the first time in a while.
"I still forgive you Nance."
She sniffs "I love you Mike. And please know that you are okay. Loving him is okay. And we can always talk about that and anything else you need to. I promise to be here for you entirely, for real this time."
He gives a watery smile, but one full of relief "I love you too. Thank you, you could never understand how important it is that you could say that. Thank you." More tears fall, but this time they're tears of acceptance and maybe even joy.
"Okay I'm gonna start the drive back home now, okay? So Mom doesn't get concerned that we got taken by the military or something." She says turned back towards the steering wheel.
He huffs a laugh "God, she's so paranoid."
"I mean can you blame her?"
"No, I definitely can't."
They sit in silence for a minute while he thinks through the conversation, finally letting himself calm down.
"So," She starts, breaking him out of his thoughts
"Have you and Will kissed yet?" She asks as a smirk creeps onto her face
"Nancy!! No! God, what?!" He yells, sinking in his seat covering his face with his hands, as he feels himself blush.
"What?" She laughed. "I'm just saying, there's definitely something between you and it is clearly not one sided!! I mean, you're oblivious, but not stupid, you have to see it! It's not crazy to believe you guys might be secretly together, with the way you guys are attached at the hip and look at each other like no one else even exists." She states, beaming at him, seemingly excited that she finally gets to say this out loud.
"Oh my god you're actually trying to kill me." He says mortified, as she pulls into their neighborhood. But he would be lying if he said he didn't feel a little giddy about this, and Nancy can definitely see that on his face.
She lets out a big laugh, and he laughs back. The most genuine laugh he's probably given in a long time.
And just like that they're back to normal, and he couldn't be more grateful. He just finally admitted who he is to her, and they're normal. He realistically expected screaming and throwing things the first time he ever revealed himself to anyone, though he knows none of his friends, Mom, or sisters, would ever be that cruel. It's more than he ever could've wished for.
Was this car ride fucking terrifying? Yes.
But for the first time he was hopeful. Hopeful that maybe, just maybe, he could accept himself and his feelings. Maybe he could even tell Will himself someday. And hopeful that maybe if he does, he would feel the same.
That's very far fetched, he knows. But this. His sister knowing and unconditionally loving and embracing who he is? Him letting her love him for who he is? Someone just knowing his secret, and him knowing he isn't alone? That's the first big step towards everything he wants for himself: Fully fixing his friendship with Will, accepting himself, being accepted by his people, confessing to Will one day, Will by some miracle loving him back, being happy and unapologetically himself.
Everything he has never let himself fully want.
And he just finally took that first step towards everything he's been taught to not want, but truly wants anyway. And for the first time in his life, he believes that maybe, he deserves the things he wants.