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BAZ
I know I am an arsehole.
“Shut your fucking mouth, Snow.”
I am laying it thick. I am really rubbing it in that Simon’s been dumped.
We’re having one of our screaming matches in our room. Just a typical Thursday afternoon for us.
“Fuck off, Baz.”
Well, it started out as me egging him on about his failed relationship, but this fight has turned into something bigger. We’re hurling insults and accusations at each other at rapid fire. It’s getting heated.
Snow’s red in the face and I admit that calling him a teacher’s pet has nothing to do with Agatha, but of course we always end up at the Mage.
“Oh, suck my dick!” I yell at him after he's done telling me that the Mage is a good man.
And to my surprise, he goes quiet and gets down on his knees.
SIMON
I am out of the door before either one of us can say anything. I’m pretty certain Baz was lost for words for once, and I do not blame him. He told me to suck his dick, and my body just decided that that’s a good idea.
Until my mind caught up with me.
I almost sputtered out an apology, but I didn’t, since I needed to get out of there the moment I came to my senses. What was I doing? I don’t want to suck Baz’s dick. I don’t! How dare he suggest that?
Except he didn’t. It was nothing more than an insult. I’ve heard boys in class use it before.
Although I never sank down on my knees for them.
Merlin. What makes Baz different from them? Is it… because of him? Did I actually want this? Or did he thrall me with his not-so-secret vampire skills? But then again, he seemed absolutely gobsmacked when I kneeled in front of him. He didn’t expect it either.
Shit. I think the other answer is that I did want to do it. And now he knows. That’s why I had to ran out. I am descending the staircase with high speed, trying to put as much distance between the two of us as possible.
I am a mess.
But… but… why would I want that?
I’m not gay (I think) and Baz is an arse! I’ve never been into any bloke and I certainly am not into Baz. Right?
Yet, I have to admit that I wanted it. After all, that’s why I am still thinking about it. I could’ve played it off as a sick joke to shut Baz up, and then laugh at his flustered face, but I didn’t. I could’ve saved face there, but instead I ran.
What the fuck? Since when do I want this?
This isn’t making any sense.
But it also does. I can’t stop thinking about this. I can’t stop thinking about kneeling in front of Baz, reaching for his belt-
Fuck.
Okay.
This is insane.
And every time my mind is in shambles, I know I have to speak to Penny. She can set me straight, literally this time. (It’s not that I am homophobic. Right? Can I even be homophobic if I want to suck another man’s dick?)
Luckily, I find Penny with ease.
Penny frowns when she sees me approaching.
“Are you alright?” she asks.
I must look stressed. I suppose I am.
And panicked.
And very confused.
“Penny, have you ever, er, realised something unexpected?” I ask when I am close enough to her.
Together we walk to the library. I have to say it now, since I have no interest in talking about this in public.
“Like?" she asks.
“Like... realising that you wanted something. Something you never thought of before. At all. And then you realise and it completely overwhelms you?!”
“Like?” she asks again.
Circe. Is she going to make me spell it out?
“It’s about Baz,” I say and she sighs and walks faster.
“Simon.”
“Hey, wait!” I rush after her.
“Stevie Nicks and Slicks, don't tell me you're actually considering hurting him now,” she shakes her head in disapproval. She has no clue.
“What? No!”
“Then what is it about Baz?”
“I want-“ but then I snap my mouth shut. I want to suck his dick is maybe a bit too much. I mean, I know it is. It’s out of nowhere for me as well, but I want a genuine answer to my question.
I should lie. I should say something less shocking, but what will still surprise her.
“You want?” Penny prompts.
“I want to - kiss him!” I tell her, and I realise that isn’t a lie at all.
Penny stops dead in her tracks.
“What?”
“… Yeah,” is all I say. I am not surprised by her reaction.
“You said kiss, right? Kiss, not kill?” Penny asks after a beat of silence.
“Why would I say kill?” I frown. Does Penny genuinely think I am capable of killing Baz? What does that say about me?
“Just asking. There are numerous studies that use the words kiss and kill to determine someone’s intended behaviour, so I thought I’d ask to be sure.”
“… what?”
“The point is-” she quickly says, since she also realises she’s getting off track, “-that you want to kiss Baz.”
“Yes,” I say. And other stuff. Like sucking his dick, or even more. Even more. Oh fuck, my mind cannot wander there, not when I am out on the Great Lawn.
“Huh. Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Well. I get what you’re saying now,” she says thoughtfully, “I can imagine that this is indeed a shocking revelation and that you’re confused. So yes, that makes sense.”
“Thanks?” I say, sounding uncertain about her answer, but I admit it’s also quite nice to hear Penny reaffirming how I feel. Yes, I am very fucking confused about this.
“So what now?” Penny asks and my eyes widen.
“I should be the one asking that!” I exclaim. Is she serious? I am the one here with a roommate-induced sexuality crisis!
“True, but… are you going to do something with this?” she asks.
“How are you so chill about this?” I ask instead of answering her. I am totally freaking out about the fact that I want to suck my nemesis’s dick.
“Oh. I’m not,” she admits, and she does indeed seem a bit frazzled, “I am as confused and shocked as you are. But one of us needs to stay sane.”
I huff out some air. It makes sense. If the two of us are running around like headless chickens, we’ll get nowhere. We’ve already stopped walking towards the library, since Penny also must’ve realised that this isn’t the best thing to discuss in public, so now we’re just walking around in circles.
She gives me time to breathe.
And to think.
I am not used to that. I usually have to act. That’s all I know. And that’s what I did now. I sank down on my knees without thinking it through. But Penny finds moments to give me space.
“I like Agatha,” I say.
“Do you?” Penny sounds sceptical. She’s always thought we were a bad fit.
“I thought I did,” I admit.
“You’re broken up anyway,” Penny says, although there’s no malice or mockery in her tone. It’s just a factual statement.
Because it’s true. That’s where today’s fight with Baz started with. Ever since we broke up, Baz’s been nagging me about it. I always thought he was overly invested in our relationship because he’s into Agatha.
The thought of Baz being into Agatha sickens me.
It always has.
But now… it sickens me because I want him to be into me. Circe. What if he’s disgusted by me now? He didn’t expect me to kneel down. What if he didn’t even wanted it to happen? I don’t think he’s a homophobe. I’ve heard enough rumours about his aunt to know that there’s something queer going on with her, and he adores her.
But he doesn’t adore me. He hates me.
“I want Baz to like me,” I say after thinking all of that.
“Well, maybe you should stop fighting and start talking for once,” Penny suggests.
“But why would he like me back? I’ve been treating him like shit for the past seven years.”
“And he’s been treating you like shit for the past seven years. And yet you still like him. Right?”
“Yeah,” I answer, because I do. I do like Baz. It’s a wild thing to realise given the whole ‘treating each other like shit for the past seven years’ thing.
“Simon,” Penny suddenly sounds serious, “Is this why you’ve been in each other’s hairs for all these years?”
“I dunno,” I answer honestly, “What do you mean?”
“The thing is, that you wanting to kiss Baz is absolutely bonkers. I am trying to wrap my head around it, but the more I think about it, it is starting to make sense.”
“It is?
Penny nods.
“You’ve always been a tad obsessed with him. Following him around and all that.”
“Because- Because he’s plotting!” I quickly say.
Penny rolls her eyes.
“Is he? We’ve had reasons to believe he isn’t. For example, when he’s playing football, he’s just playing football, and yet you drag me to all of his matches!”
“But… but-”
“And you have ditched me before to go after him.”
“Yes, but that’s-”
“And there’s a reason we have a rule about talking about Baz. If I hadn’t set that rule into place, you’d be talking my ears off about Baz!”
“I know, but…”
“But?” Penny prompts.
But… nothing. I have no counterarguments here. If Penny lists it like that, then yes, it does sound like I am obsessed with him. Because he’s plotting, I’ve been telling everyone, including myself.
Shit.
There’s more to this. Merlin AND Morgana, I… am into him. I’ve been into him for a while, but I didn’t realise. (In my defence, I don’t tend to think about things I want.) (Well Crowley, I should’ve thought about this sooner.)
“I need to talk to him!” I say.
“Yes, you do.”
“And tell him I did mean to suck his dick!” I add.
“WHAT?”
But I don’t hear her anymore. I am already running towards Mummers House. I think Penny’s calling my name, but my mind is set. There’s a new goal: talk to Baz. I reach Mummers House in record time, or so it feels. I run up the stairs. Why do we have to live on the top of a tower, for Merlin’s sake?
I open the door.
“Baz!” I say.
But then I realise it’s empty. There’s no one here. I check the bathroom real quick, but Baz is absent.
My first thought is to go looking for him, as usual. But I think about what Penny said. How one of us should stay calm to give me time to think. And maybe, I need to slow down. I mean, what is my plan here? Drop down in front of Baz again the moment I see him? I wince at the thought of that. I have admitted to myself that I would like to do that again, but that’s not a great plan. There’s a time and place to suck Baz’s dick, and today is not that day.
So instead of going after Baz, I sit down at the desk and start to think.
BAZ
I have been avoiding Simon. It’s gone well. A part of me expected him to follow me around, as usual, but he didn’t show up at the Catacombs. Maybe he’s too disgusted by what happened in our room. Although he is the one who acted.
I still can’t believe that all happened. I’ve been going through today as some sort of zombie. I do the notions, I say the things people expect me to say, but my mind is reeling. (Hm. Maybe not a zombie, then? Since in philosophy, a zombie is an organism without a mind.)
Why did Simon do that?
I have come up with all sorts of reasons, but one of them sticks out the most: because he wanted to.
It’s sticking out, because I want it to be true. But Simon ran away the moment he seemed to realise what he’s done. He didn’t even hang around to explain. I know he’s not the best with words, but it stung that he ran away instead of talking to me.
But why would he talk to me anyway? We have no experience of just talking. We only know fighting.
I didn’t go to dinner. Instead I asked Cook Pritchard to give me some food. But night’s come and I don’t want to sleep outside, so I reluctantly drag myself back to our room.
The room is dark, and Simon is in his bed. He’s faking that he’s asleep. I can feel his heartbeat, and I know the difference between a sleeping Simon and an awake Simon, since I’ve been familiar with the way his heart beats from the moment I met him. Vampirism can have its perks, since I know he’s bullshitting me now.
Alright then. He fakes being asleep so that he can avoid talking to me.
I won’t take this personally.
(I will.)
So I suck it up and walk to the bathroom. After I’ve gotten ready for bed, I quietly walk towards my side of the room. Simon’s still awake and I am certain he’s watching me. A part of me wants to turn around, just to catch him off-guard, but I don’t.
Instead, he’s the one who catches me off-guard.
I am under the covers when I hear a quiet: “Baz? Are you awake?”
Crowley. He’s no longer fake sleeping.
“Hm,” I hm.
“… Is that a yes?”
I should tell him to shut the fuck up and go to sleep, but instead I tell him I am awake. I turn around to face him.
Simon sees that as a cue to turn on the light next to his bed. Even though I am a damned vampire, my eyes have to adjust to the light since I didn’t expect this sudden light. Once I can see clearly, I see that Simon’s leaning on his elbow and staring at me.
“Baz.”
“Snow.”
“I… Uh… About today…”
Oh Circe, he really is going to speak about today?
“Yes?” I try to sound disinterested, by my undead heart is beating rapidly. I am so glad Simon isn’t a vampire, since it’d give me away immediately.
Simon looks like he has troubles saying what is on his mind. He opens his mouth a couple of times to start, but he gets nowhere. He’s also incredibly flustered. Is he embarrassed about what he did today?
“Use your words, Snow,” I say, as usual, but there’s no sneer this time. I am telling him to think about what to say.
To my surprise, Simon falls flat on his back with a thud and he sighs.
“Maybe… I shouldn’t- I was going to talk to you in the morning to give myself more time, but Christ. I need to get this out now but I also can’t.”
“We… don’t have to talk about it,” I suggest, “We can pretend it never happened.”
That’s what I was expecting anyway. Not an awkward and flustered Simon Snow, who apparently has also been thinking about the ordeal this day.
“But I can’t ignore it!” he sighs and stares at the ceiling, “And I don’t want to ignore it! I wanted… it.”
“Pardon me?” I ask, not because I didn’t hear him, but because I can’t believe he said that. He is still dancing around it, and so am I, but he has to be talking about the fact that he went down on his knees for me, right?
Right?
Simon’s still looking at the ceiling, not at me, but he lets out another sigh.
“I, er, I may or may not be… interested in you,” he says and once again I cannot believe what I am hearing, “And I didn’t really realise that till, uh, today.”
Now I lose all pretence of disinterest. I sit up and turn on the main lights. Simon turns on his side and finally looks at me. There’s this new softness in his eyes. I’ve never seen it before and I admit it makes my stomach flip.
“You’re interested in me?” I ask, shocked.
Simon nods.
“I realised it’s not super, uh, straight of me to want to suck my roommate’s dick.”
There. He said it. He actually said it. There’s no way around it now and I am at loss for words.
“You’re gay?” I blurt out after a short bout of silence.
“Uh. You got a problem with that?” Simon asks. He softness in his eyes die out and he looks like he is down for a fight, so I know I must fix that.
“What? No, I am gay,” I say quickly. It’s not the grandiose coming out I had planned on, but it’s there now. “Are you?”
“You’re gay?” Simon sounds gobsmacked.
“Yeah?”
Merlin’s pants, what is this? Some sort of slapstick? We’ve completely derailed the conversation. And the only reason we’re having this conversation is because Simon apparently wants to suck my dick.
Crowley, I am living a charmed life.
“Look. Uh. Well…” Simon also sits up now, “I don’t know what I am. This all just happened today. It’s a bit messy in my head, but one thing is clear and that is… this. You.”
I sit up and the two of us stare at each other, neither of us are moving. Until someone does. It’s Simon. He’s out of bed and walking towards mine and I cannot believe this is happening. I look up when he’s standing before me, and I can’t help but feel more hopeful than I have ever felt. Is he going to-
Instead of kneeling down, he sits on the bed next to me.
“Can I kiss you?” he asks.
He doesn’t even have to ask.
I reach for his face, and then he kisses me. It’s an awkward angle, so I turn my body to face him and sit up straighter. I lean into the kiss and it’s exactly how I always wanted it to be. Simon is so Simon. He’s kissing me like it’s a challenge, really going for it. He’s devouring me and I am letting him do it, because I want it.
Circe, I am living a charmed life.
And I want to savour this. I know that all of this is the result of me yelling at him to suck my dick, and I hope that will happen one day, but right now, this is enough.
SIMON
If I thought living with my nemesis were hard, then living with my boyfriend is harder. This is especially true since we’re taking our time revealing our relationship. If we go from enemies to lovers overnight, we might open ourselves up to a lot of confused reactions and invasive questions.
Which is fair. It’s sometimes confusing for me as well. It all happened so fast.
But every time I express my worries that it may have gone too fast, Penny reminds me that it was a long time coming. No one, including me, just realised it. This is why it is still quite a shock to the people who are in on the secret.
“Besides, if your relationship starts with you trying to suck his dick, then a kiss isn’t too fast,” Penny said once.
Which is also fair.
Anway, to the outside world, we are slowly defrosting our antagonistic relationship and that already confuses people. It’s been a few weeks since our kiss and by now people have at least gotten used to seeing us together around school, but that’s it.
So for now, whatever we have is ours.
(And Penny’s, and Ebb’s, and Baz’s aunt’s, and Agatha’s, and Dev’s, and Niall’s, and Cook Pritchard’s, since Baz had to explain why he wanted to ask for a dinner for two… okay, we aren’t exactly completely secretly dating.) (But we’re on the flip side, we’re not public with it either.)
This does mean that most of our relationship is confined to our room, as Baz says. And Crowley, I constantly want to jump him. Not only to suck his dick, which turned out to be amazing, but also just to kiss him and hold him and be with him.
He is very distracting and I still have to do save the world and do homework. I can’t spend all my free time in our room with being around (or on) Baz! But it’s so hard, and he’s not making it any easier.
“I have waited for this for years, Simon, so I am taking it!” he recently said. (He calls me Simon in our room now.)
And I am giving it.
Merlin’s pants, I am so in love with him, and he’s in love with me.
It took a while for us to figure it out, and when we did, we did it in such an insane way, but we’ve made it and that’s what matters.