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Gon was always thinking about Killua.
It was, in part, an obligation. He’d come to think of it as a transferred debt. When Killua had Nanika heal him, the conditions he’d set weren’t really erased, they were just changed. He now owed his life to Killua, and to repay that debt, he had to do his best to be a good friend to him. At first, that looked like giving him space, but as their bond healed, it looked more like careful attention and generosity.
But thinking about Killua was more than an obligation. It was a part of Gon that he cherished and nurtured. He was proud of how quickly he now considered the other boy’s feelings, when before such a thing was foreign to him. Warmth swelled in his chest when he thought of doing something that would make Killua happy.
So it was not unusual that he was thinking about Killua, now. The unusual part was how long he’d been thinking about the same interaction.
It used to take him a long time to figure out what Killua meant by certain things, and he used to guess wrong sometimes, but he’d gotten so much better at it. He knew Killua better than anyone at this point.
At least, he thought he did.
So why was it taking so long to peel back the layers of their last interaction?
Killua had come to visit him on Whale Island. It was not the first time, and would almost certainly not be the last. It was the first time he’d visited without Alluka, though, who wanted to stay in York New City with the friends she’d made there. Killua was fine with this because Leorio was there to keep an eye on her.
Spending so much time alone with Killua felt slightly different. Gon thought he knew why. He thought it was because it felt similar to how things were before, and with that came a feeling of both nostalgia and uncertainty.
But he was attentive to Killua. That was starkly different from how things were before.
Now he was left wondering if there was something else that made this last visit feel so different, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was.
The one conversation he didn’t understand started the night before Killua left.
Gon was getting ready for bed, and realized the house was quieter than usual. He didn’t hear Killua washing up in the bathroom or lingering downstairs talking to Aunt Mito. He set down the bedsheets he’d been fluffing and had a peek around, trying to find Killua. He wasn’t in the house, so Gon put on his shoes and stepped outside.
It was a warm, clear night, the stars smiling over the island. Gon had a look around the yard, but didn’t see any sign of him. Before he could start to worry, a pebble hit him in the side of the head.
“Up here, idiot,” Killua called from the roof.
“What the—hey! What are you doing up there?” Gon called back, rubbing his head.
Killua shrugged.
“Nice view of the stars, I guess.”
Gon huffed, but easily climbed up to meet him. He’d summited his own roof countless times, knew all the footholds by heart. He plopped down next to Killua and looked up at the sky.
“Same view as always,” he said.
“Spoiled island boy.” Killua elbowed him in the side.
Gon laughed and pushed him back. They wrestled a little, careful not to push each other off the edge, then fell back and lay against the sloped roof, looking at the stars together.
It took Gon back to the first time Killua had come to Whale Island. The plans they made, the future Gon imagined then.
“Killua. Thank you for coming to see me,” he said.
“Huh?” Killua turned towards him. Gon met his gaze, smiling openly.
“I had a good time. I hope you did too. I just want to make sure I say that. Because you’re really important to me. A really, really important friend.”
“Mn. Yeah, I—yeah. Of course I had fun.” Killua nodded, but he turned his head away and started scratching his own hand. “And I feel the same. You’re important to me, too.”
Gon’s smile widened.
“Thank you. It’s really nice to hear you say that.”
Killua made a little distressed grumble and pulled his shoulders in. Gon laughed and put his hand behind his head, looking up at the sky again. He thought that would be the end of it, but after a few minutes of silence, Killua spoke again.
“Gon do you remember… when you went on that date with Palm. You said you had been on dates before. Um, like showing women around the island. Do you still do that?”
“Huh? Oh! Oh, no, not—not really,” Gon laughed. “And I wouldn’t actually call those dates, to be honest. I didn’t really get what a date was at the time, I thought it was just like being a tour guide. That’s all I was really doing.”
“Oh. So you didn’t, um…”
“No, no, no! Not at all. That would have been—I mean, I was a kid!”
“Right, yeah. Of course.”
Gon looked over at Killua, and found his posture was stiff. He couldn’t quite see his eyes, and it would have been strange to get up and lean over him just to get a look, so he couldn’t quite tell what was making Killua tense.
“Have you been on a date, Killua?” he asked. “I know last time we talked about this, you said you never had time, but I guess maybe you have the time now, right?”
Killua only grew tenser. Gon frowned.
“N-no. No, I haven’t,” Killua said.
“Haven’t had the time, or—”
“Been on a date.”
“Ah. Right.” Gon nodded. “Neither have I. I mean, I guess I do count the date with Palm, but now I’m the one who hasn’t had time. I’ve been too busy trying to relearn nen, my schoolwork, and rebuilding our friendship.”
“What—rebuilding—what?” Killua sputtered, suddenly sitting up.
“Hm? Was that not… obvious?” Gon followed him up.
Killua’s face was red, and he looked at Gon with his mouth hanging open.
“You—you prioritize our friendship over finding someone to date?”
“Well, when you put it that way… yeah. Yeah, I do.”
Killua stared at him for a long time, then gulped and turned away.
“Okay. Whatever. It’s your life.”
“Killua?” Gon laughed, confused, but Killua was standing up already.
“We should get to bed, the ship’s leaving before noon tomorrow,” he said.
“Right, sure.”
They slipped back inside through the window in Gon’s room and finished getting ready for bed. Gon still felt a lingering question on his tongue, but he couldn’t quite form it into words. He thought he’d have it all figured out by the time Killua left.
He knew Killua so well, after all. It shouldn't be too difficult to solve this puzzle.
But Killua had gotten on that ship three days ago now, and Gon was still mulling it over.
There were three things that Gon didn’t quite understand. One, what had made Killua think about dating, and specifically whether or not Gon was dating anyone, when Gon had just been telling him that he valued their friendship? Two, why hadn’t Killua ever been on a date, if by his own admission, it wasn't that he didn’t have the time? And three, why did the whole conversation make Killua so tense?
One answer was that Killua was concerned that Gon was spending too much time focused on him instead of dating. That was supported by how he brought it up and what he said about Gon prioritizing him above dating, but that didn’t seem quite right. If that’s all it was, why did he seem so nervous about it?
Of course, Killua always did seem nervous about these things. It could just be the topic of conversation itself that made Killua tense, but then why was he the one who brought it up? If he was really that nervous about it, there must have been something really important to motivate him to speak up about it.
So Gon was missing something big here. Something to do with dating, but also his friendship with Killua, and the importance and value he placed on each of those things, and also something that explained why Killua hadn’t dated anyone, either.
Three days since Killua left, and Gon sat in his favorite tree over the lake, fishing pole in hand, staring down at the water. He hadn’t moved an inch in hours, his head and shoulders covered with a scattering of leaves.
Killua. Dating. Friendship. Importance. Avoidance.
He felt his head getting hot, like a computer overheating. He’d thought himself in circles over this so many times, and he wasn’t getting anywhere.
The pole bobbed, and he snapped to attention. Something had bitten, and it was a big one.
Gon stood up, bracing himself to reel it in. This came easy to him, like climbing the house or speaking his mind. His feet knew how to balance on the branch, his knees knew just the angle to bend. His hands stayed steady on the pole, his weight counterbalancing the tug of the fish. The line shivered, tugged in two directions, until at last the fish gave in, and the reel spun, tugging it up out of the water.
A giant trout, scales sparkling rainbow in the sunlight, burst from the lake. Water droplets caught the light and shimmered like glitter through the air, and Gon laughed with glee as the fish flopped into his arms, long and heavy and still thrashing with life.
“You’re going to make a very nice dinner,” Gon said, grinning ear to ear.
Something about the lightness of it all—the thrill of accomplishment, the water cooling the skin of his arms, the leaves shaking as his shifting weight moved the branch—it dislodged whatever was blocking Gon from seeing the obvious.
Killua wanted to date him.
His grip on the trout went slack, and it slipped from his hands in all its wriggling. He yelped, reaching for it, but lost his footing and went tumbling down into the lake after it.
The plunge shot cold shock through him, and he reeled, unable to tell up from down. His eyes burned, open in the water, but he could see the sun warped on the surface. He swam towards it.
He breached with a gasp, but didn’t swim straight for shore. He stared up at the blue sky and felt the sun on his wet face. A flock of birds took off from one of the trees around the lake and flew east, deeper into the forest.
Killua liked Gon. It was the key that answered every question. Impossible as it seemed, it was the only thing that made every piece fit just right in the puzzle.
Gon blinked a few times, water droplets falling from his eyelashes onto his cheeks, and without really thinking it, arrived at the next logical step.
He liked Killua, too. He wanted to date Killua, too.
He needed to ask Killua out right now.
…
Unfortunately, it would have to wait a few days. Gon could only get to York New City so fast, and he was not about to ask Killua out over a phone call. Something as important as this had to happen in person.
He was buzzing with excitement the entire trip, and all that energy got funneled into planning their first date. Killua had never been on a date because of Gon, so Gon wanted to make sure he had the best time possible. He would do everything right and be the perfect boyfriend Killua deserved.
From boat to airship, then a long, slow taxi ride through York New traffic, Gon finally made it to Killua’s apartment six days and thirteen hours after their conversation under the stars.
Gon had almost nothing with him. His fishing rod and his phone, his wallet with his Hunter’s license. A bouquet of twenty-four roses he’d picked up outside the airport and cradled in his lap for the whole ride over.
The cabbie asked if Gon was visiting a girlfriend. Gon laughed and said no, these were for his best friend, but the smile on his face said he was hopeful they would be even more, soon.
It was quarter to ten when he climbed up the front steps. The morning sun reached between the tall brick buildings and hit the trees dotting the edge of the sidewalk—tall skinny things trimmed to stay clear of the telephone wires. A few pedestrians milled about, but most folks were at work or school, in this quiet residential neighborhood. Alluka would be in class, finishing her junior year of high school, but Killua should be home.
Gon only hoped he was actually awake. He tended to sleep in, when left to his own devices.
Gon took a deep breath, checking his hair in the reflection on the thin window next to the front door, then slipped into the vestibule and buzzed the apartment labeled Zoldyck. Killua didn’t hide so much anymore, since things were calm with his family, now. In fact, Gon thought he got a kick out of people recognizing the name when they scanned down the list of apartments.
A few minutes went by, with no sign of the door unlocking. Gon tapped his foot impatiently, staring out into the lobby behind the glass. It was a nice place, with some couches and fake plants, a vending machine that actually stayed stocked. He could only wait so long, though, and soon buzzed the bell again.
“If this is a prank, go away,” Killua’s voice crackled through the speaker.
“Hi, Killua,” Gon giggled.
“G-Gon!? What are you—how did you—why are you here?”
“Are you going to let me in?”
“That—you—ugh! I’m not even dressed!”
“It’s okay. Um, actually! Just come down when you’re ready,” Gon said.
There was a pause, the speaker cutting out. Gon gulped, hoping Killua wasn’t too mad at him. He hated not being able to see his face while they were talking.
“I’m guessing I should put my shoes on, then? Wallet, keys, all of that?” Killua asked.
“Yup! You didn’t have plans for today, did you?”
A heavy sigh.
“No. But I guess I do now.”
Gon laughed, and his heart soared in his chest. Warmth spread through him, accompanied by a floaty feeling, like he could just lift off the floor. He was always happy to see Killua, but now that he knew what it was, now that he had a name for it, the feeling was so much bigger, so much more clear.
Being in love was the best feeling in the world.
Gon watched the elevator open in the lobby and beamed at the sight of Killua stepping out from between the doors. He wore tight black jeans and a slouchy tee, his old backpack with the extra straps slung over his arms.
When he saw Gon, his eyes blew wide.
“What the hell?” he sputtered, muffled behind the large glass door.
“Hi!” Gon waved, roses still tucked into his folded arm. Killua’s face turned a pretty shade of pink, and the bright, warm feeling overflowed in Gon’s chest. Killua was always cute when he was flustered, but now that Gon knew why, it was even better.
“What are those?” Killua asked, throwing open the door. “Who are those even for?”
“You, obviously!” Gon held out the bouquet with both hands.
“Why?” Killua sounded exasperated. Gon laughed nervously. He was surprised Killua didn’t get it yet.
“Killua—” However Gon had been planning to phrase it, whatever long speech of love and adoration he’d prepared on the way over slipped right through his grasp. Being in front of Killua made it all seem so simple and obvious. He should just get right to the important part.
“I want to take you on a date.”
“Huh?” Killua’s cheeks burned crimson. He leaned away like a scared cat, hair puffing up behind his neck.
“Um. I thought—you’d want to, too?” Gon said.
Killua’s jaw moved slightly, like there were words he was so close to saying, but couldn’t quite get out. Eventually, he leaned against the door, covered his face with his hand, and gulped thickly.
“Fucking hell, this is not what I meant by—alright, fine, sure. Take me on a date, Gon. I’ve got nothing better to do today.”
Killua snatched the bouquet from him, frowning deeply.
“I’m gonna have to run back up to put these in water, though. You didn’t think that through, now did you?”
“Um—”
“It’s fine. Wait here.”
Gon nodded, watching with a knot of confusion in his stomach as Killua slunk back over to the elevator. He looked sort of sad, which didn’t make sense to Gon, but he did say yes, so it wasn’t that Gon was wrong.
It just felt like he was still missing something.
Gon worried the sleeves of his jacket in his fingers as he waited, once again spinning their conversations through his mind. There was a miscommunication somewhere—Killua thought Gon didn’t understand something that he’d said—but he didn’t have enough information to figure out what it was.
It felt like the early days of rebuilding their friendship, when Gon knew so little about how Killua's mind worked. And maybe that’s all it was, maybe Gon would have to re-learn everything now that their relationship was changing, or at least learn this part of Killua, which he clearly hadn’t seen much of before.
He took a deep breath and decided not to worry too much about it. Killua said yes. They were going on a date. The date was going to be amazing, because Gon had planned everything to be perfectly suited for Killua.
This was just the beginning of their love story. It was okay if the first few steps were unsure.
…
The aquarium was up first. Gon always thought aquariums had a romantic energy. Something about the low lighting and brilliant blue of the shining tanks.
There were also usually screaming children somewhere, which brought down the mood a bit, but that was okay. It gave them something to laugh about.
Gon steered them down a quiet hall, the freshwater fish section, and found himself looking more at Killua than at the displays. His hair glowed in the swirling blue light reflected from the tanks, and Gon felt his heart soar again. He’d always thought Killua was beautiful, but now he knew how much it meant, and he didn’t want to keep it locked inside.
“Killua—” He reached for his hand, but Killua suddenly ran forward and pointed at an eel, slithering between a pair of rocks.
“Hey, look! I wonder if it’s an electric eel…” He found the display’s description and suddenly seemed enraptured in reading it. Gon let out a small sigh of defeat.
He’d have other chances.
…
The aquarium had its own cafe, and since Gon knew they’d be hungry by the time they finished touring the whole place, it was the obvious spot for lunch.
Circular tables with big, square umbrellas dotted the paved porch, the noon sun hitting the yellow fabric so it gleamed gold. The aquarium was on the bay, and the fresh smell of salt-spray washed over the cafe. It filled Gon with confidence. The smell of home.
“I know they have some ice cream and shakes here, but you might want to save your appetite for later,” Gon explained as Killua looked over the menu.
“How much did you plan for today?” Killua gave him a pointed look.
“Just—a few things.” Gon laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. Killua sighed, rolling his eyes.
“Fine, I’ll get a regular soda. But there better be something good later.”
“Oh, don’t worry! I know just what you like, Killua.”
Killua’s cheeks flushed red, and he hid his face behind the menu.
“Shut up. Don’t say stuff like that!”
“But you’re so cute when you’re embarrassed!”
“That’s worse!”
Killua's head was on the table, now, the menu flopped over on top of him.
Gon snickered, that incredible warmth filling him again. Dating Killua was so fun. He wanted to make sure Killua knew how much he was enjoying this.
“Killua, you know—“
“Hello there boys, are we ready to order?” The waitress, an older woman with a kind roundness to her features, interrupted him.
“Huh? Oh, yeah.” Killua straightened right up and politely ordered himself a burger, fries, and soda. The waitress made a few jokes, like a teasing grandma, and the moment passed.
Gon decided to just enjoy the meal. Killua looked happy, talking about the aquarium and people watching. The whole reason he did this was to make Killua happy, right? That’s what loving him meant. So as long as Killua was smiling, then the date was going well.
…
“You weren’t kidding when you said to save my appetite!” Killua laughed as they walked into their next stop, a museum dedicated to chocolate.
It was definitely a touristy spot, high ticket prices for gimmicks and free chocolate samples, but Gon knew Killua would love it.
The shine twinkling in his eyes said Gon was right.
“Come on, I think that’s our tour group over there,” Gon took his hand to pull him away from the decorative chocolate fountain in the lobby. Killua stiffened at his touch.
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” He deftly extricated his hand from Gon’s grasp and pushed ahead of him towards the small crowd. Gon frowned after him for a moment, but soon shook his head and followed.
Killua was probably just excited about the chocolate and impatient to start the tour.
Gon put his hands in his pockets as he slid up next to Killua.
“So? Do I know what you like, or what?”
“Yeah, real observant to figure out my favorite food, Gon,” Killua teased back.
“Ouch!” Gon laughed, and Killua rolled his eyes through a smile.
“Alright, thank you for joining me everyone! The two o’clock tour will now begin, if you’ll follow me this way!” the perky young woman in a red and white striped uniform said. The crowd of tourists filed after her through the main doors, and Killua walked briskly to stay at the front.
Gon tried to keep up with him, but he didn’t want to be rude and bump into the other people, so he got separated from Killua pretty quickly.
He watched from the back of the group as Killua pressed his face to glass displays and jumped in front of small children to be the first to receive samples of chocolate. Gon laughed quietly to himself, so endeared with Killua’s overexuberance.
But something in him ached a little, that Killua wasn’t right by his side. He was happy that Killua was having a good time, but for it to be a proper date, shouldn’t they be spending time together?
That was probably selfish of him. He’d have more one-on-one time with Killua soon.
So Gon put a smile on his face and shuffled along.
…
“Have room to go to the ice cream parlor?” Gon asked when the tour was over. “Or did you eat too many chocolate samples?”
“The what?” Killua looked happy as a clam. He still had a little chocolate in the corner of his mouth, and Gon resisted the urge to reach out and wipe it away for him.
“Yeah, there’s an ice cream parlor on the roof here. The guide didn’t mention it?”
“Uhh, I might not have been listening to everything,” Killua admitted with a sheepish grin.
“What? But you were at the front the whole time!”
“Yeah, looking at the chocolate! I don’t care how it’s made or whatever…”
Gon laughed and shook his head.
“You’re silly.”
“No, you’re silly. I saw how much the tickets cost, you know.” Killua crossed his arms. “Let me pay you back.”
“What? No way. Not happening.” Gon shook his head. “I’m the one who asked you out.”
“Yeah, but—”
“If you can argue, you can eat ice cream. Come on!” Gon pushed Killua towards the elevator, and Killua snorted, stumbling across the lobby.
“Fine, fine! Not like I’m gonna say no to that.”
They took the elevator up to the rooftop parlor, and a waiter in a pink vest took them to a table in the back, where the parlor became almost a greenhouse. Tall windows and a glass roof, plants hanging from the ceiling and flowers blooming in large pots.
The chairs were painted white, with pink cushions tied to the seats, and a vase of tulips adorned the table.
“Um. Cute place…” Killua mumbled as he took his seat. “Fancier than I expected.”
“Don’t look at the prices,” Gon joked.
“Ugh, let me at least pay for this, then.”
“I told you not to worry about it. I planned today for you, Killua.” Gon reached across the table and put his hand on Killua’s, looking him in the eye. “If you really want to make it up to me, you can pay for the next date, okay?”
Killua’s breath came in sharp, and his eyes widened.
He opened his mouth, but shut it again just as soon.
“Killua?”
“Shut up. You’re so stupid, Gon,” he groused, snatching his hand away and picking up his menu. “But fine, whatever! I’m ordering something super expensive, so you better be ready.”
“Yeah, that’s fine…” Gon laughed, though his brows folded in concern.
Killua was easily flustered, he knew that, but his reaction still seemed a little extreme.
Was Gon moving too quickly? Or was Killua wary of PDA? Gon glanced around. The parlor was a little busy. Most of the tables were full.
That was probably it. Gon picked up his menu with a small sigh of relief. Good thing the next stop was somewhere private.
…
Killua seemed to be on cloud nine after his chocolate-covered-strawberry triple-scoop tower-sundae. He left the chocolate museum with a skip in his step and didn’t even seem alarmed when Gon told him the next stop was a surprise.
Gon’s heart burned with pride, knowing he’d been the one to make Killua so happy. Well, really the ice cream had made him happy, but Gon was the one who brought him there and paid for it, so close enough.
It was only when they got in line for a ferry out into the bay that Killua got suspicious.
“Are you kidnapping me?” he asked.
“We’re just going to the harbor islands,” Gon said. “It’s a thirty minute ferry ride. I’m surprised you’ve never gone. You’re the one who lives here.”
“Yeah, well… I dunno. I guess I haven’t explored that much.” Killua shrugged.
“Well now we can explore together!”
Killua looked him up and down, his gaze uncertain.
“Yeah, sure.”
The ferry started boarding, and Gon got out the tickets on his phone to let them on. Killua made another comment about how much everything had cost Gon, and Gon brushed him off.
They found seats on the upper deck, so they could enjoy the breeze on the ride over. Killua leaned on the railing and closed his eyes, the wind rippling through his hair. Gon just watched him, letting himself be enthralled by his beauty. He wanted to reach out and hold Killua’s cheek, to turn his face towards his and run a hand through his hair, to tell him how much he meant to him, and seal the words with the promise of a kiss.
But they weren’t alone yet, so Gon held it all inside.
They got off at the first stop, the largest harbor island, and Gon quickly led them away from the port, onto the nature trail that circled the island. There were lots of tourists milling about at first, including a family with a very friendly dog that Gon just had to stop and say hello to, but the farther they walked, the quieter it became.
By the time they reached the far end of the island, there wasn’t another soul in sight.
“Ah, I think this is it.” Gon waved Killua off the path, where a small, worn sign pointed through a pair of tall bushes.
“How do you even know about stuff like this?” Killua asked, ducking under branches to follow.
“Just takes a little research,” Gon said. “Watch your step. There’s a cliff.”
Killua and Gon casually scaled down the sharp ledge of rock. It didn’t seem nearly as dangerous as Gon had read online, but then, he could climb anything with the slightest dent of a foothold.
“And when did you do this research?” Killua asked.
“I had plenty of time to plan on the way over.”
“You’re so weird…” Killua trailed off as they spilled out onto the beach. It was a small strip of sand between the rocky bank and the sparkling blue water of the harbor, but facing due west meant the sun sat low over the horizon, burning orange as it plummeted towards sunset.
“I just looked up where the best place to watch the sunset is, and while this technically isn’t open to the public, we should be fine.” Gon patted the pocket where he kept his wallet and, therefore, his Hunter’s license.
“So the next activity is just sitting here for an hour?” Killua said.
“Yup! Should be a good show.”
Gon sat down on the sand, just behind the line where it grew wet from the gently lapping waves, and patted the ground next to him. Killua sighed and plopped down, but he sat a little further away than Gon had been hoping.
Their knees weren’t even close to touching.
“So… what did you think?” Gon asked. “Of your first date?”
Killua pressed his lip together and hummed, rubbing the side of his head. His cheeks took on a little color and his eyes fluttered shut.
“I mean, it was kind of dumb of you to buy all these tickets when you didn’t even know if I was free today, but other than that… yeah, I guess you did a good job,” Killua said. “But it’s not like I ever questioned whether you would be good at planning a date.”
“Really? You seemed kind of skeptical all day,” Gon said.
“Yeah, well—” Killua turned to look at him with a spark of anger in his eyes, but once his gaze met Gon’s, the flame dulled. “Ugh. Nevermind. Yeah, you did a good job. Thanks… for today.”
Killua pulled his knees up and tucked his chin in towards his chest.
Gon frowned.
“Why do you sound so sad, saying that?”
Killua flinched.
“You really are an idiot…”
“Killua?” Gon pouted. Killua groaned and buried his head deeper in his arms.
“I know you don’t mean it this way, but it really feels like you’re just making fun of me at this point,” he said, voice low and muffled.
“Making fun of—Killua, what are you talking about?” Gon put his hand on Killua’s shoulder and turned his whole body towards him. “I just want to make you happy.”
“And that’s really sweet of you, Gon, but you can’t just—just—” Killua shook his head.
Gon didn’t know what to say. He wanted Killua to know how much he meant to him. This whole day was designed to show Killua how much he meant to him, but Killua didn’t seem to see it that way, and Gon couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong.
“I’m sorry,” Gon said. “I know it’s not a proper apology when I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m still sorry. I just wanted to take you on the kind of date you deserve, because you deserve the best boyfriend in the world, and I wanted it to be me, and I thought you did too, but if I’m wrong—I’m so sorry.” Tears welled up in his eyes as he began to ramble, and he had to pull his hand away to wipe his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Killua.”
“What? You—what?” Killua looked at him, eyes searching without understanding.
“I was so excited when I finally realized it, that I rushed over here as fast as I could because I couldn’t wait another second to tell you how I feel, but then I maybe got overexcited about planning the date, and I never really got to say it, but I mean it should be obvious, with everything—”
“What!?” Killua yelped, his posture rigid with shock. “Gon you—why didn’t you start with that?”
“Start with what?” Gon sniffled and wiped his nose. His vision was still blurry with tears, but Killua’s face was closer to his, now. Close enough that all he could see were his big, blue eyes.
“I thought you—you never said you actually liked me! I thought this was some kind of pity-date!”
“What? Why would I do that?”
“I don’t know, because the last time I saw you, I said I’d never been on a date, and you seemed kinda sad for me, and then suddenly you’re here to take me on a date, with no explanation. What else would I think?”
“But no one does that. If I’m asking you out, it’s because I like you.”
“You took Palm on a date, did you like her?”
“Well, no, but—”
“But nothing! It was a reasonable assumption!”
Killua crossed his arms and turned away. Gon stared at him in shock for a moment, then broke out into laughter.
“So that’s why—I was getting so worried that I was doing something wrong.” Gon wiped away his tears, now the happy kind. “I’m so glad it was just a misunderstanding.”
“A misunderstanding that played with my heart…” Killua groused.
“I know, I’m sorry! I’ll make it up to you right now, okay?” Gon reached around and found Killua’s hands, turning him back around, holding each hand gently in his own.
“Wha—?” Killua flushed and leaned away, but his hands stayed in Gon’s grasp.
The setting sun cast them in an orange haze, the pink sky bleeding into the sparkling waves, but Gon looked at Killua like he was the scenic view.
“Being with you makes me so happy, Killua, and when I’m with you—no, even when I’m not with you—all I want is to make you happy, too,” he said. “I think you’re so pretty, and just looking at you makes me feel all warm and giddy inside. I want to be close to you, as close as I possibly can, and I want to be by your side forever, and I want to be the most important person in the world to you, because that’s what you are to me. I love you, Killua. I really, really do.”
“Gon…” Killua’s face was completely red, his lips open and trembling, barely able to even say Gon’s name.
“So that’s why, okay? That’s why I want to date you. Not out of pity, not just because you’re my friend and I wanted to show you what it’s like, or to help you practice. None of that.” Gon shook his head. “I’m much more selfish than that. I want you to be completely mine, and I don’t ever want to let you go.”
“You—but—why now?”
“Ah, well… I only just figured it out.” Gon showed him an apologetic smile, and Killua took the opportunity to strike him on the side of the head.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“Idiot.” Killua mumbled even as he shuffled closer, sitting so he was pressed up against Gon’s side. “Do you know how long I’ve been dealing with these feelings?”
“Ah, I’m sorry, I really am,” Gon said. “But if you told me sooner—”
“Don’t even go there,” Killua huffed. “I thought you were straight, Gon.”
“Oh. I never said I was, did I?”
Killua looked up at him in surprise.
“You—you knew you weren’t?”
“I didn’t really know anything, to be honest.”
“You are the stupidest—ugh. Whatever.” Killua looked down at his hands and started fidgeting with his fingers. Gon could practically hear him thinking, and the last thing he wanted was to leave any loose ends for Killua to tie into messy knots.
“Hey.” Gon slid his hand back into Killua’s. “Look at the sunset.”
“Huh? Oh. I almost forgot.” Killua looked up. The nervous energy quickly bled out of him.
The sun was almost completely below the horizon now, and the sky was a deep red, the clouds purple in their shadows and golden in the light. The sea swallowed the colors and spat them back out twice as shining, diamond-glimmer in every crash of the waves.
“Whoa. You found a good spot, Gon,” he whispered.
“Anything for you.”
Gon leaned down and pressed his lips to Killua’s cheek. Killua sat up straighter, warmth blooming on his skin again.
“Gon—”
“How many times do I need to say it for you to believe me?” Gon asked.
Killua stared at him slack-jawed for a moment, then sighed.
“Sorry. I think it’s gonna take a while for me to really realize this is real, though.”
“Okay. Then I’ll just have to keep reminding you,” Gon said. “I love you, Killua.”
“Gon!” Killua fully shivered, and Gon laughed, leaning into him so Killua’s shoulder pressed into his chest. Killua made a small whining noise and curled into Gon, hiding his face in his neck.
“Is this okay, Killua? Can I hold you like this?” Gon asked.
“Yeah,” Killua nodded eagerly, so Gon wrapped his arms around Killua, pressing them tighter together.
“And what about a kiss? Could I kiss you?”
Killua took in a stuttered breath. Gon swore he felt Killua’s fingernails grow sharp on his back.
“You better,” he hissed.
Gon giggled, bringing one hand up to the back of Killua’s neck. He pet at the soft, fine hairs there, encouraging Killua to lift his head.
The sun slipped under the horizon. The final rays of sunset winked through the sky, spread wide like fingers. Killua looked up at Gon with an aching want in his eyes, and Gon allowed himself just a brief moment of self-hatred, knowing that he could have given Killua this years ago, if only he’d seen it sooner.
Then he pressed his lips into Killua’s waiting mouth, kissing him soft but sure.
Killua made a sound like a sob and twisted his fingers in Gon’s shirt. He kissed Gon harder, deeper, so Gon returned the fervor. His hands slotted around Killua’s waist, and Killua pulled him down on top of him until they both fell back against the sand.
They gasped, breaking apart, and Killua laughed so hard, tears streaked down his temples.
“Killua?” Gon searched his face, confused by the mix of pain and joy he saw.
“Even now, it’s like it’s not real,” Killua said. “Why can’t I believe it? That you want me?”
“Killua…” Gon sighed. He couldn’t think of anything else that would convince him, so he laid on top of Killua and wrapped his arms around him, and just held him while he cried hysterically.
Killua laid his arms across his face, ebbing between laughter and tears. Gon hoped the weight on his chest, Gon’s head over his heart, was enough to keep him grounded.
The color drained from the sky. A few stars managed to pierce through the city haze, this far out into the harbor, and when Killua calmed down, they sat for a while longer under their soft twinkling, listening to the waves roll in and out.
“Gon?” Killua asked after a long, long time.
“Yes?”
“When does the last ferry leave?”
…
Killua slept on Gon’s shoulder through the cab ride back from the bay. He was probably more emotionally exhausted than physically, but Gon was happy to see him calm.
He was still reeling from what happened on the beach, too.
He thought this would be easy. It seemed so simple. Killua liked him, he liked Killua too. End of story.
But feelings were much more complicated than that. He didn’t think about what it must have been like for Killua, harboring that love for so long and thinking it unrequited. He didn’t account for the shock, the denial, the distrust, all completely justified.
He’d hurt Killua before. Rebuilding their friendship was one thing, but for Killua to trust him with his heart like this, he had to prove he deserved to hold it.
“Here we are,” the cabbie said, pulling up in front of Killua’s apartment building.
“Thank you!” Gon paid in cash, with a generous tip for driving smoothly while Killua slept.
Killua picked his head up and rubbed at his eyes. He looked so cute, his hair stuck up a little on the side that’d been pressed against Gon.
“We home?” he asked.
“Mm-hm.” Gon held the door open for him. Killua shuffled out onto the sidewalk and stretched his arms over his head.
“Did I drift off?” he said.
“Maybe a bit.”
“Mn.” Killua looked up at the apartment building, then back at Gon. “Did you get a hotel, or…?”
“Oh. I can! But I thought, well…”
“Yeah. You’re staying the night.”
Killua grabbed Gon’s hand and pulled him towards the door. Gon grinned ear to ear, slotting his palm properly against Killua’s and intertwining their fingers. Killua held back just as tightly, and in the reflection of the glass, Gon could see he was smiling ever-so-slightly as he unlocked the door.
Gon would say that counted as a successful date, then. And the next one would be even better—if only because Killua would know what it meant, this time.