Work Text:
From the moment you woke up, you could feel it building. A tension in your chest, a weight that took up space in your lungs.
You wanted to lay back down, melt into the mattress, with the hope that sleep would devour the strain by the time you woke up. But no, you couldn’t. You were working today, and a little more rest could mean the difference between having a proper breakfast, and shoving a protein bar down your throat.
Sun would chastise you for not eating well enough, so you decided to ignore your bed’s siren call, tossing off your pajamas and putting on your uniform. Like a zombie, you lumbered on, a slave to your dead end job.
You still don’t know how you got your position. You were wildly unqualified for child care, unless a robot teaching you the basics counted. Sure, you certainly didn’t hate kids, but you could only handle them for so long before their boundless energy and insatiable desire for chaos became too much.
Still, you didn’t have the heart to tell Sun you couldn’t do this, that kids were too much, that you often edged your limit before your shift was over, when he greeted you with such a joyous smile. He was always so happy to see you, an endless fountain of joy that you didn’t dare to muddle with your problems.
So as you walked through the daycare doors, you greeted Sun with a false smile, one he accepted without batting an eye. You hoped he wouldn’t notice the lack of pep in your steps, as you quickly got to work helping him setup for the day.
It wasn't long before kids started pouring in, you giving the excuse that you needed to check the computer once the bulk of them came in. Thankfully there was some truth to that, so Sun let you go on your way without a protest, as you quickly hid away in your private little corner behind the desk.
You took longer than usual to check all the messages, not that anyone seemed to notice. Taking a few moments to blankly stare at a few, you tried your best to ease the weight, doing your best to push it down, take in deep breaths. But it still lingered, like a red stain on a white shirt, faded, but not gone.
Regardless, the few minutes of alone time seemed to have helped lift some of the weight, so with your false smile now sitting more comfortably on your face, you left your safe space to rejoin Sun and the kids.
It didn’t take long for the pressure between your ribs to grow heavier.
You were lucky Sun had his hands full with the kids, otherwise you feared he might notice the way you sometimes spaced out, your speech occasionally slurred and stuttered, and thinking became harder. Thankfully the joyful screech or light tug of a nearby kid seemed to snap you out of your spells before Sun could spot you, quickly scanning the room for the cheerful bot to thankfully find his gaze elsewhere, as you quickly reassured the kids around you that you were fine, just a bit tired.
At least none of them seemed to tattle on you, believing you easily.
A glance at the clock made your heart sink. It had only been just over three hours, and you still had five left to go.
You felt light headed, disoriented, but you used all your remaining brainpower to not teeter, your expression blank until someone (especially Sun) wanted your attention.
Even if you wanted his help, even if you were leaning into the temptation of confessing your struggle, you couldn’t. Attending to the children was much more important than your discomfort, especially since there'd be no one left to watch them. That would be too selfish of you.
So you powered on through it, trying your hardest to give each child the attention they needed, while taking more little breaks away from them to clean than usual.
It was as you were scrubbing some dried glitter glue, that you realized your ears were ringing, and your gaze was starting to unfocus.
Fuck fuck fuck no not already.
Dropping the rag, you abruptly stood up straight, calling out to Sun that you were taking your lunch break now, before bee-lining it out the daycare doors, not daring to glance back and see Sun's face.
You worried if you did, you'd break on the spot.
Thankfully, the lobby outside the Daycare wasn't very busy, no parents waiting outside, needing your attention. Just a couple people in the gift shop, a few party goers leaving their assigned rooms to head into the washrooms. No one paid you any mind.
With frantic breaths, you slipped way into the nearest employee's only room, the door clicking shut behind you.
Empty.
With shaky legs, you slowly lowered yourself to the floor, back leaning heavily against the wall, as the dimly lit room in front of you blurred.
No one came in as you edged yourself away from sobs, a few tears slipping out as your breaths eventually slowed, and gaze refocused.
You didn't have much of an appetite, but you had to eat. Sun would know if you didn't, and you could risk him worrying about you.
Wiping the tears from your face, you tapped away at your fazwatch, ordering a staff bot to deliver food to you. If being in the daycare was too much, the crushing crowd of the lobby would break you. A staff bot wouldn’t question you about drying tears.
It wasn’t long before the door clicked open, and it wheeled in, placing your order on a nearby table before it quickly took its leave. It didn't question why you were sitting on the floor, and didn't care.
You forced the food down, once you found the strength in your legs to get up. The grease felt heavy in your gut, almost nauseating, but somehow, you still felt better.
Leaned back, your eyes slipped close, your body going slack as you allowed yourself a small moment of rest, before too soon, your watch beeped. Your break was over.
Despite your own protests, you forced yourself to move, and with a small jolt of a adrenaline, found movement in your limbs again. You stumbled out of the break room, still weary, but a little better.
Your gaze was focused, and you felt like you could breathe, despite the pressure still lingering in your chest.
The daycare was dark when you returned, the quiet a relief.
However, unlike Sun, you knew Moon would be much more attentive to the signs of distress, especially since sleeping children were much less distracting than awake ones. So with a shaky breath, you did you best to steel yourself as you re-entered, mind running rampant with excuses to give.
He was still tending to the children as you slipped through the daycare doors, careful to close them quietly behind you. He gave no indication he’d noticed your return as you tiptoed to your spot behind the desk, body sagging the moment you sat.
Swallowing down the bile rising in the back of your throat, you blinked, before a familiar shape loomed over the desk, smiling down at you.
“Starlight…”
A knowing disappointment dripped from the softly spoken nickname, as you averted your gaze away from him.
Of course. Of course he'd know right away.
But you couldn’t let him know, you couldn't let him worry over you, that'd be selfish. You couldn't do that to him, not when the kids needed him more than you, even if they were sleeping.
You were hired to help him, not be a detriment to his job.
“I’m fine, just, neighbors were loud last night, kept me up. I should be feeling better next shift.”
The lies spilling out your mouth only made your nausea worse, but being seated kept you from shaking.
“Naughty naughty, such a mean thing for them to do. Rest if you need to, the kids have been good today, I’ll wake you before the Sun comes up.”
“…thank you.”
Despite the relief, both at his belief and of momentary rest, it didn't stop the pit of guilt from festering along with the heavy grease in your guts. Your throat burned.
You were just his coworker, you didn’t deserve special treatment. No one else was allowed to rest on the job.
Still, you knew better than to refuse this small gift, no matter how selfish it was.
Biting down the nausea once more, you rested your head on your arms atop your desk, and the bliss of oblivion swallowed you immediately.
Consciousness rose to the surface, as you became vaguely aware of the sensation on fingers touching the back of your neck, drumming against it in perfect patterns. With a soft grunt, you tilted your head towards the hand, relishing in the contact.
A familiar chuckle broke the quiet.
“Wakey wakey, the Sun's almost up.”
With a jolt you shot up right, eyes wide and mortified, as your brain was quickly kickstarted back into reality. Moon jingled with a quiet laugh, clearly amused.
“Hope you rested well starlight. Be sure to brace your eyes.”
That was the only warning you got, before with a whirr of electricity, the Daycare was bathed in bright light. And with the light, it all came back, like a sucker punch to the gut, the festering feeling of tension pressed against your ribcage.
You gasped, and nearly whimpered, as the urge to cry bubbled up like vomit in your throat.
You were fortunate that you were still covering your face with your hands to brace from the sudden light, Sun not saying a word as he got right to work with helping the kids. He was used to waking up to you bracing your eyes.
You could do this. You had to. Just a little bit longer.
You took the excuse of adjusting to the light to ground yourself, hoping you didn’t have reddened eyes as your hands fell from your face. Like an old robot running on a preprogrammed schedule, you got up from your desk to help Sun with the kids.
The rest of the day became a blur as you worked with an emptiness in your eyes, doing your best to just focus on completing every task, doing your best to ignore and distract from the weight in your chest. The nap had given you just enough of a boost to keep enduring it a little longer, to pretend just long enough. Whether or not Sun had been worried about your sudden break, he never asked about it.
Just a little bit longer. You had to fake your smiles just a little bit longer. Stay on your feet a little longer.
There was relief, when the time for pick up came, when the last kid was whisked away by their parents, and you could finally catch your trembling breath.
Just a little more. Just the last, easiest thing.
Cleaning was easier. No fake smiles and no one to please. Just scrub until the stain was gone, simple monotony.
Or, it should've been. With no kids to distract you, the tension in your chest became unignorable, pressing and unrelenting. Its weight leeched into the rest of you, your body feeling heavier, legs threatening to give.
No please, not yet. Just a little more. You only half an hour left, you were almost there, you’d almost made it. Just a little more.
Using the mop to support yourself, you did your best to stay steady on your legs, barely aware of your surroundings, as you used all your remaining brain power to analyze the floor for stains.
A large smear of glitter glue and paint had been particularly stubborn, its resilience riling you up, scrubbing more and more aggressively, desperate to clean it and be free.
You didn’t think as you haphazardly plunged the mop into the bucket once more, putting too much weight on the handle as your legs threatened to buckle once more, before with a sudden lurch, the bucket toppled, spilling its contents.
As the soapy and dirty water spread across the mats, you locked up, unable to do anything but stare in horror at the mess you'd made.
“Whoops! Don’t worry starshine, we all make mistakes sometimes.”
You barely registered what he'd said, ears ringing as your breaths quickened.
You opened your mouth to reassure him, tell him everything was fine, but your voice refused to work. You tried to turn your head, face him with a fake smile, something, ANYTHING, but your body remained unresponsive, muscles rigid and tense.
“Starshine?”
You barely registered the mop had fallen from your grasp, the sound of it falling noticed first.
Fuck.
All at once, the tension holding your body up was released, as you collapsed to the floor, landing in the dirty mop water that had pooled around your feet.
There was no blissful unconsciousness to follow, as you lay there, awake, the water soaking into your work clothes, bruises forming on your arms and knees, eyes still open. Unable to move, you could hear the sound of rapid footsteps nearing you, before Sun's horrified expression came into view.
No no no no! You'd tried so hard not to worry him, not to give him anymore stress, and now he'd seen you faint, watched you suddenly collapse with stress and anxiety. All that effort was for nothing, all the suffering wasn't worth it.
You should've called in sick and dealt with the financial consequences.
You could hear him calling your name, asking what had happened, anything, but your body refused to move, like a useless sack of potatoes, your unfocused gaze staring blankly across the room.
You couldn’t move.
You could feel his fingers press against your neck, before the warm metal left your skin.
The water was soaking into your undergarments now. You wanted to cry.
It was only a moment later, when large hands wrapped around your middle, that your miserable soaking limp body was lifted from the puddle.
“It’s going to be okay.”
You couldn’t respond about how it wasn't, nothing was okay, it was too late to be okay. Unable to move, the words never left your throat, as he gently carried you away from the mess.
He was careful with your body, holding you like a precious, fragile thing, and not the disgusting selfish piece of shit you were.
You barely registered where he was taking you, gazing blankly at the ceiling, at him, how his gaze kept flicking down to you, worrying over you. You couldn’t look away. You couldn’t move.
His momentum stopped, as you felt your limp body being lowered, carefully, onto something soft.
You didn’t recognize this place, filled with miscellaneous daycare and theater junk, some organized and some not. Some sort of storage room perhaps?
Ever so slightly, your head tilted to the side, and you could see it, in the corner of your eye, a familiar red and yellow pattern.
His lap. He’d, he’d laid you down on his cushioned lap, not caring as your wet clothing was rested atop his soft padding.
He was getting himself dirty, because of you. Because you couldn’t keep yourself together. Because you made him worry about you.
“Starshine?”
Gently, his fingers combed through your hair, your skin prickling with goosebumps at the tender touch. The sensation left your body yearning, needy, wanting, before shame hit you like a fever.
It’s too much. He shouldn't be doing this. You don’t deserve this. You can’t-
With a gasp and a sudden jolt, your whole body flinched, as with a spike of adrenaline, the curse was broken. You could move. You needed to move.
Muscles tensing, you snapped up into a seated position, like a puppet yanked up by its strings, startling Sun. Panting heavily, you eyes darted around wildly, overwhelmed with the urge to flee, and blindsided by the unfamiliar location.
“Starshine?”
You barely registered that he spoke, as you tried to stand up, get on your feet to run and hide away, but instead, your legs buckled once more. Sun caught you before the floor did, coaxing your falling body back into his lap, back to comfort you don’t deserve.
You squirmed, body still high on the adrenaline rush, prey animal instincts urging you to flee, but he held you with ease. Just another unruly toddler to him.
Just another problem.
It didn’t take long for you to tire out, for you to give into the forced comfort, a skittish rabbit soothed by its patient hunter. The fight left your body, melting away with a whimper.
“I'm sorry.”
Words finally slipped past your lips, hoarse and pathetic, and with them, the dam broke. There was no trickle, but a flash flood, as your breath hitched, and you started to wail.
Loud, you were so loud, as you sobbed in his lap, gasping for air between every cry. Annoying, abrasive, attention-seeking, selfish, but you couldn’t stop, the tears kept pouring as you screamed out in anguish, unable to be quiet.
A pathetic disgusting broken mess. Sun knew what you were now.
You tried to hide your face away, curl away from him in shame, but instead he held you in place, gently, keeping your head against his padded lap, as warm metal fingers swiped your tears away.
“It's alright starshine, let it out, I’m here for you.”
You wanted to protest, tell him it wasn't okay, apologize for being a mess and a problem, but the words got lost between your sobs.
Eventually, sobs turned to gasps, as you struggled for air, only quieting once you caught your breath, weary and exhausted. Finally, with slow, shaky breaths, you found your voice once more.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m sorry for not acting sooner.
“Don't. Don’t apologize. You're not supposed to. It's my fault. I was supposed to keep it together, not distract you from your work, and be another proble-”
A metal finger pressed to your lips silenced you, as Sun stopped you from giving the apology he deserved.
“Nope, don’t say that. Don't apologize for feeling bad, it’s not your fault.”
It is your fault, for being a burden instead of taking an unpaid day off, but you don’t say that. Can't.
“You can tell us if you’re not feeling well. We care about you starshine.”
The finger left your lips, but you stayed silent, instead covering your face in shame. You don’t dare look at the expression on his face, see the way he’s looking at you, afraid that something might break in you if you did.
After a moment of quiet, his hand returned to your scalp, gently combing through your hair once more, soothing you. With a quiet yet sorrowful sigh, you felt the tension in your body loosen, as your hands slowly fell away from your face, too weary to resist the yearning for comfort anymore.
But you had to make sure. The least you could do was ask if you could be greedy, if you really were allowed to have this. So with a shuddering breath, you found your voice once more.
“…is it okay, if we stay like this a little longer?”
A selfish request. Your clothes were still wet, but you didn’t wanna leave his embrace.
“Of course. Don’t worry about the clean up, I can handle the rest for today, I just want to make sure you're okay.”
Silent tears trickled down your face.
You didn’t deserve his kindness, his attention and care. But, maybe, it was okay, just this once, to let yourself be smothered in it.
You could be selfish just this once.
His hands running through your hair, you slowly let yourself go slack once more, greedily basking in his comfort. Letting yourself be special, worried over, wanted.
Just this once.