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Friends of Dorothy

Summary:

For reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, the Golden Girls were in prison. It wasn't too bad, actually, as swanky horn music seemed to follow them where ever they went. That was always nice.

Notes:

this was originally written and posted on livejournal in 2009 as a ridiculous exchange with my bff :')
it was also written before i ever actually saw an episode of Oz, which is why Hill is... you'll see.

PERSONALLY I AM STILL PROUD OF THIS NONSENSE which is why i'm posting it

Work Text:

For reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, the Golden Girls were in prison. It wasn't too bad, actually, as swanky horn music seemed to follow them where ever they went. That was always nice.

"Boy, that tune reminds me of the time in St Olaf when the traveling jazz troupe came with their instruments and herring mascot and--"

"You finish that story, and I will shank you," Dorothy informed Rose calmly.

Just then, a man in a wheelchair floated by, saying, "The manly one threatened the dumb one for the millionth time, and it seemed they would never escape the monotony..."

"Girls! Girls, you will never believe what ah just saw happen," Blanche proclaimed, clickity-clacking her way into the cell. (FRTDNEATJ, none of the cell's doors were actually locked.) (FRT No One Understands, the guards let Blanche keep her super loud high heels.)

"Someone mistook you for that big guy in cellblock 18 again," Sophia guessed.

Before Blanche could respond, two prisoners came down the hall, talking amongst themselves.

"Look, Two episodes days ago you were sticking your hand down my pants, and now the only time you look at me is to break a limb. I'm just saying, it hurts my feelings."

"JEEZ, why are you such a PUSSY? It's not like I'm GAY or anything. Until next week, maybe."

"Fine, I'll try again then."

"You do that, sweetcheeks."

They walked off, voices fading in the distance. Blanche pointed in that direction.

"That's what ah saw-uh! Can you believe thay-at? It's disgustin'!"

"Blanche, please. So they're gay; what's so wrong about that?" Dorothy shook her head. "Your brother's gay, remember that."

Blanche stared at Dorothy like she had lost her marbles.

"It's nawt because they're gay! It's because that means there's two leh-us attractive meh-in available!"

The Italian members of the Girls shook their heads; Rose looked confused.

"I'm confused. Why would that man have his hand there?"

[CUE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND SWANKY HORNS]