Archive of Our Own

Grandmaster. 

“Grandmaster.”

“Grandmaster!”

Varka accidentally tore a hole in the paper with his fountain pen. “Yes?” He looked up to see that one of his knights, a captain, was looking down at him with something close to confusion and worry. 

“Grandmaster, Sir, I thought I should relay the worries from nearly all knights at the Keep about Vice Captain Lohen's whereabouts,” the captain said, resting his firearm on Varka's desk. “It's been over a week. Sir Lohen usually comes every four days to restock on important supplies.”

Varka dropped his pen into the ink bottle, causing the captain to flinch slightly. “I am aware. I have sent a few knights to look for him. I have, as well, written to the Lightkeepers up north to let me know if he's been interfering with their recorded Wild Hunts.”

“And?”

Varka pinched the bridge of his nose. “It is fruitless.”

The captain looked apprehensive as he locked eyes with Varka. “Sir, by any chance, do you think he's in danger?”

“Whew, what a worry! Lohen often is the danger element,” Varka tried jesting, but the words were doing little to alleviate the nausea that was rising in his stomach. 

“I think the Grandmaster should go look for him,” the captain said after a few awkward moments. 

Varka nodded. 

“I have tried searching for him myself, yet the only thing I've found was a piece of his jacket. Then again, I can only hope that it belongs to Sir Lohen and not someone else. Besides, Sir Lohen always finds you whenever you run to evade paperwork, who's to say it's not reciprocated?”

─ ·✶· ─

“Found you.”

Varka whirled around from where he had been sitting at a cliff’s edge near Wolvendom to find Lohen, clad in one of the trainee knights’ uniforms, petting a lone wolf. 

“...Lohen?”

“You were missing from your post, Grandmaster. I thought I’d come find you.” Lohen glanced up to meet Varka’s eyes. He walked over to him, the wolf trailing behind, and sat down on the cliffside. 

“Here to drag me back, huh?”

“Nah, do you want me to?”

Varka paused, then chuckled to himself as he looked up at the stars. Lohen was an odd teenager, often opting to spend time constantly sparring instead of chasing freedom. “No need, young man. I’m delighted for the company.”

─ ·✶· ─

When Varka first met Lohen, it was far into the depths of the Whispering Woods after he'd returned from visiting Barbatos at the Thousand Winds Temple one night. 

He had been starving, and the scent of roasted boar meat was enough to pique his interest. While it certainly wasn't uncommon for people to live in small villages within forests in Mondstadt, it certainly was odd if said village had not been registered under the Knights of Favonius patrol list. 

Yet, when he'd reached the source of the fire, he was surprised to see a mint-haired boy happily chewing away the meat whilst petting some nearby hares. Though Varka was caught soon after and had been threatened by a dull polearm. 

He hadn’t met Lohen in person at that point, but from the Captain of the Ranged Company, he’d found out that Lohen had joined them after being brought back from a dire incident. 

As Seamus liked to say, Lohen was a wild card. Jean had always stayed at arm's length with the knight, opting not to be at a level of familiarity that he'd set traps in her office as a joke as well.

Though, Varka had embraced that side of the young man, choosing to let him try to catch the Grandmaster off guard as many times as possible. After all, he had been no different. 

Their relationship, or lack of, had no particular title. They weren't necessarily like colleagues, given that Lohen only respected Varka's title more than the man himself, nor were they friends exactly. Varka couldn't even call himself a father figure to Lohen with their dynamic; while he had given Lohen a home in the barracks, it was the young knight himself who'd sought out his title and valor. 

Besides, Varka had known Lohen since he was nearly fourteen, and the difference between their ages was over a decade, and even so, Varka could simply not wrap his head around their dynamic. 

Varka pressed his lips hard against each other as he'd been doing for the past hour on his search. Not long after the captain had left, Varka had received a small letter from one of the Lightkeepers, namely Illuga's, bird, that they'd seen some unusual abyssal activity near the terrains of Amsvartnir, which had been appearing and being eradicated all too quickly. 

The Grandmaster didn't know what to expect. He had a hunch he'd find Lohen there, either injured or perfectly fine.

Sometimes, for all he knew, Lohen was a lot like Kaeya. The two of them had gotten along well back in Mondstadt. In fact, it had been Kaeya who had gotten Lohen to smile more. 

What Varka meant was that no one really knew much about Lohen's background, tidbits of information here and there that Lohen slipped up on while drinking. But aside from that, Varka was empty-handed. Yet, like Kaeya, he decided to trust Lohen because the latter trusted him back. 

Varka finally reached the entrance of the terrain, which looked a lot like a crack in the earth. A steep and narrow valley that promised backwaters deposited from the sea. He opened his windglider and jumped into the space. 

As he descended further and further, he could make out the scent of wet blood. This nauseating scent of rusted metal that had been sopped in water and forgotten for ages. Varka drew out his sword the moment he reached the ground and clasped his glider shut. 

He trudged ahead carefully, going where the scent grew stronger and concentrated. The pit of the valley as a whole seemed to be filled with kuuvahki-based plants, too, something that made him feel almost heavy-headed. 

His knights had complained of the kuuvahki-induced headaches they'd faced after settling down here, as their bodies had never been accustomed to such a phenomenon, and whilst stronger, Varka had been no exception. Neither would Lohen be. 

“Dammit,” he muttered to himself as he broke into a jog. He glanced around profusely, hoping to find some lingering of blood, or cloth, or anything that promised he was getting closer to finding Lohen. 

“Lohen!” Varka called out, yet his voice simply bounced off the narrow, towering walls on either side. 

He struck his sword into the ground in irritation at his own incompetence. He halted entirely when he heard something crackle. 

Wait. 

Crackle? 

He looked down at the water more closely. Crouching, he touched the surface and felt it. A thin flake of ice. Too thin to be taken out of the water and examined, but enough for his fingers to feel before it melted away due to his body heat. 

Nod Krai was cold, but he doubted late spring brought about any form of snow. Lohen. 

Varka broke out into a run, hearing the crunches of ice underneath his feet as he followed it towards the source. 

And when he did find it, he wished he could take it all back. The unease he'd been feeling was surely rooted in this fact. Abyss-based strands surrounded Lohen's body, except for the fact that the knight had used his vision to generate a cryo shield that was probably eating away at the energy he could have used to heal his body. 

Varka cursed to himself as he drew out one of the smaller lanterns Aino had gifted him as a thank-you. It worked akin to that of a Lightkeeper's lantern, essentially used to dispel the Wild Hunt's Tideseal Stones. By logic, it should work on regular abyss formations, too, right? 

Varka lit it and watched as the tendrils began withering away, or backing away for all he knew. He couldn't bring himself to care about them when Lohen was on his deathbed. 

The moment they'd withered enough, Varka dropped the device and his sword and removed his coat. He broke apart the cryo shield with anemo and immediately wrapped Lohen with his coat and drew him close to his chest. 

He winced for the younger man's sake, especially at the fact that Lohen was hardly moving and that his lips and hands had turned a shade of blue. Varka picked him up and brought him closer, and used his foot to kick his sword into one of his hands as well. 

Shit, Lohen, are you insane? Varka thought as he used his vision to push himself onto ledges and protrusions in the wall so as to climb out quickly. 

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

There had been a time when Varka had found himself in trouble at Dragonspine when he’d been called by Albedo to see the alchemist’s new finding. It had been a horde of fatus looking for trouble, nothing out of the ordinary considering it was quite hard to monitor what went on in the snowy mountain.

Yet, before Varka could have thought of any countermeasure, gunshots were fired from behind him, taking out several of the fatus that had surrounded the Grandmaster.

The remaining turned their guns to Varka just as he took his claymores out. “It’s an ambush, fall back!” one of them called. 

How ironic, Varka thought to himself as he caught one of them and rammed his body weight into another. He disposed of the one he’d caught before he moved to the other, following a pattern until he found himself at gunpoint again. 

“You bastard,” the fatui soldier muttered, their breath coming out in frosted puffs. “I should kill you here for hurting my comrades!”

Ah, in that case, it seemed like this group didn’t know who they’d targeted. Varka raised his hands in defense, yet the fatui’s finger fell on the trigger. 

Within a second, there was the sound of a gunshot and a body appearing in front of Varka. A second gunshot resounded, and the fatui soldier cried out as he collapsed to the ground. 

“Lohen?” Varka asked as Lohen fell backwards against his chest, the firearm in his hands dropping into the snow. “Shit, Lohen!”

─ ·✶· ─

Quickly hadn't helped when he'd been followed by a herd of concerned Knights into the medic tent, and it hadn't helped when Lohen had just barely warmed up as their lead medic began stripping him to inspect his injuries. 

“He's frozen them up, too,” she whispered in shock as she got rid of his last remaining garment and was covered with a furry quilt offered up by one of the knights. It was hardly appropriate for a possible operation, but Varka understood his knights' worries. Most of his injuries were crystalline with the faux ice created by his vision, but there were a couple that were still bleeding. 

“Grandmaster… this is… I'm so sorry,” the medic said, her eyes brimming with tears. “I'm so sorry. I wish I were more knowledgeable, I wish—”

“What is it?” Varka asked, looking up from where he'd been staring at Lohen's face. 

She sniffled and gestured to Lohen's leg. A gnarly wound, which would have caused weeks of bed rest, was oozing out black smog. Varka felt himself go cold. 

This was his fault. 

It had to be. 

“It's an abyssal infection,” she whispered. “The other wounds… most of them are stab wounds he induced on himself to keep his mind intact when…”

“Dear Barbatos.” Varka clasped Lohen's small hand with his own and sat down heavily on a nearby chair. He stared at the knight's haggard form before something clicked. Barbatos. Right. Barbatos. 

Barbatos had written to him of the Traveller who'd cleansed Dvalin's tears from abyssal corrosion. The Traveller, whom he'd heard from merchants arriving from Natlan after their battle against the Abyss, along with the pyro archon. “Glenfidia! Godwin!” he called, standing up to step outside the tent. He'd heard through Flins' last musing of seeing a blond Traveller looking for him near the Flagship in Nasha Town. 

Would that be appropriate? He considered that thought for a moment. Yet, he felt helpless at the other alternative, being to watch his fellow knight be corrupted by the abyss. “Send word to Sir Flins in Nasha Town. Tell him to inform the Traveller to come to Favonius Keep as fast as they can.”

Glenfidia and Godwin saluted him before breaking into action. Varka stared at the scene blankly for a moment before he slipped back into the tent. 

He looked back to the medic who'd finally composed herself as well. “What can we do till then?”

“Warm him up somehow,” she said quietly. “I will dress his wounds. Would it be okay for him to spend the night in your quarters? It is the only place with an appropriate fireplace.”

“Definitely,” Varka said, struggling to leave Lohen's side. “I will go set it up.”

─ ·✶· ─

“Grandmaster, to what do I owe this pleasure?” 

“Did you spike my drink again?” Varka asked. 

“What makes you think I did it?” Lohen tilted his head as Varka shifted in his place. It wasn’t necessarily painful, just discomforting, almost as if something was pawing at his core. 

Varka handed the mug to Lohen. “Taste it then.”

Lohen hummed as he took it and, whilst holding eye contact, placed his lips on the same spot that Varka had drunk from. To Varka’s surprise, the younger knight swallowed it all and placed the empty mug down on the bar counter. 

Varka waited for some sort of reaction, but Lohen seemed alright. “What did you put in it?” 

“Medicine,” Lohen replied. “It’s a type of… hm, antiallergen?”

Varka folded his arms as he watched Lohen stare out into the tavern. Diluc had most likely gone back to sleep, leaving them the job of either staying over in one of the rooms or locking up and heading back. “What might have caused you to spike my drink with an antiallergen?”

Lohen turned to look at him on the stool. He lazily leaned over the counter and repeatedly tapped a sticky spot Diluc had missed. “You’ve been scratching at your scars often, Grandmaster. The antiallergen works as a suppressor.”

Varka opened his mouth and then closed it, unable to speak much. “Is that so…”

“Mhm,” Lohen hummed, then giggled a little. 

Varka frowned and peeked over to see Lohen’s face. Ah, that must be it, Lohen wasn’t a drinker from what Varka had deduced over the years; the young knight had frolicked around him. 

Lohen’s face was flushed lightly, and he seemed to have grown a bit loose-limbed. Varka sat down next to him on the stool and laid his head down on the counter to match the younger man’s posture. 

Lohen met his eyes and blinked slowly. “Grandmaster has pretty eyes.”

Varka chuckled. “I see. Anything else I should know?”

“Grandmaster is trustworthy.” 

─ ·✶· ─

Aside from the gnarly injury on Lohen's leg, he was pretty much bandaged as close to what one could call a mummy. The medic and their lead engineer had created an impromptu IV drip in Varka's room for the injured knight to help Lohen get his antibiotics as well as fluids in one way or the other. 

Throughout the whole thing, Varka found it most scary that Lohen hadn't moved an inch. Usually, even through the worst of the incidents before this, the young man often woke up for a moment's worth to crack a joke before he was out of it again. Or, he'd at least spew nonsense in his stupor at most. 

“Grandmaster?”

“Yes?” Varka turned to look at the entrance of his room. “Come in.”

Ekbert stepped in with a tray of food. Though it looked half as appetizing as what they cooked whilst joyous. “For you,” the knight muttered as he placed it down on a table along with a cup of apple cider. “I… Aedon said the Traveller will be here soon!”

“Aedon?”

“Squad Leader Illuga's nightingale, Sir,” Ekbert rushed. “Please, eat up. It wasn't your fault. So please, don't punish yourself.”

Varka opened his mouth, then closed it. Of course, that boy had to get involved. After all, Illuga was anything but an example of over-caring to a fault. But at the moment, all Varka could feel was gratitude. 

“Thank you, Ekbert,” Varka said quietly. “Please let the other knights know as well. They sound worried sick.”

“They are, I mean, we are. But yes, take care, Grandmaster.”

“Take care,” Varka mirrored tiredly as Ekbert left the tent. 

The Grandmaster took a few moments to collect himself before at least attempting to eat. But to no avail, his eyes trailed back to Lohen, and he could no longer stomach anything other than guilt. 

Only if he'd acted when his gut had told him to. When something within him was gnawing at him to simply go and check. Nothing more. Just check. He could have played it off with a joke if questioned, but no, he had chosen to reside by the facts just this once. 

He'd thought Lohen to be far too superior to them, far too strong, but how bad of a person was he to not realize that Lohen's health was declining? He’d noticed, faintly at least, that something was clearly bothering the younger man. No, how much worse of a person he was, that he knew what had been going on but still let it happen because he refused to believe someone like Lohen could run themselves dry. 

He could feel anger in his veins, all aimed right back at his heart for causing such a grave error. Would he have gone looking had the lieutenant not pushed him? Would he have scoured the land in search of Lohen had Illuga not given him a location? 

Varka wished he could say yes; yes, that he would have gone, but only after the situation had worsened tenfold.

He tasted blood as he reached out to touch Lohen’s skin, which was still ice cold with just a little heartbeat under his skin. 

Varka moved until he was sitting on the bed parallel to the IV drip. He took Lohen's hands into his and cupped them, hoping to transfer warmth over. He rested his head on the bed and closed his eyes. Please Lohen. 

─ ·✶· ─

“Did you know hares are prey, Grandmaster?” Lohen had asked when they’d gone hunting. 

Varka had found it rather odd that Lohen’s brutality had never extended to the pettiest of animals. Especially hares, bunnies, doves, and swans. He’d kill boars on occasion and even wild deer, but he strayed away from those small critters, and out of respect, Varka did too. 

“Of course, though they are not all that innocent either,” Varka had replied as he drained a boar of its blood in the river. They had found themselves far away from returning to Mondstadt at a good hour and were camping near Dadupa Gorge. 

Lohen, having finished setting up the fireplace, glanced back at Varka for a long while. “That is true. But they are easy to taint, aren’t they? Easy to domesticate and avert from their instincts to grow reliant?”

They weren’t talking about hares, were they? Varka had thought. “Rest assured, Vice Captain Lohen. Tainting one of your likes is far harder than one can ever fathom.”

“I wasn’t talking about me.”

“Mhm, I felt like saying it. You do remind me of a bunny at times. Especially your eyes, they’re so alike to those little creatures.”

Lohen had averted his eyes and had crossed over to where Varka had successfully drained the boar. “Move aside, Grandmaster—”

“Varka.”

Lohen had stilled. “Excuse me?”

“Call me Varka. Right now, I’m not really your Grandmaster. Consider me your acquaintance, and if kinder, your friend.” Varka had studied the way Lohen’s eyes had softened at his words before he got that same sad smile playing on his lips. “What is it?”

“Nothing, it’s astounding how much you resemble a friendly wolf, Sir.”

“Lohen.”

“Right, Varka.”

It had been odd then, being addressed so casually that it had made his skin crawl despite being the one who’d asked for it. Varka had smiled despite himself and had side hugged Lohen, who’d been cutting through the boar’s skin. “Should we go to the tavern tomorrow?”

“I was thinking of getting rid of the hillichurls near Falcon Coast…”

Varka sighed. “Of course you were. Would you allow me to join you?”

“Don’t you have paperwork?”

“I think I can drop it on Seamus’ head for a while.”

“I don’t believe that’s—”

“C’mon, indulge this old man a little!”

Lohen glared at him. “Don’t call yourself that with what you’re implying.”

─ ·✶· ─

What I’m implying. Varka raised his head when he heard a little commotion outside. He didn't realize he’d fallen asleep until he felt the blanket he’d been draped in by one of the knights. He also realized he’d still been holding Lohen’s hands and let go once he registered he’d warmed them substantially. 

He removed the blanket and draped it over Lohen instead. He reached his hand to touch Lohen’s forehead and frowned when he found that part much warmer than the rest of his body. He was likely running a fever. 

Varka peeled himself away from Lohen’s side to check on what was going on outside. 

When he saw the sight of Paimon drifting over Ekbert’s head in search of Varka while the Traveller came jogging from behind, he felt his knees buckle like he’d had one too much to drink. Once they reached him, he immediately opened the tent entrance. “Come in, thank you so much, Honorary Knight, I can’t—”

“It’s okay, Grandmaster, we’ve been meaning to meet you regardless,” the Traveller said with a smile as they entered the tent. “How bad is it?”

“He hasn’t moved much since we’ve brought him here. His breathing is shallow as well,” Varka said fast. He gestured to Lohen’s leg, which was propped up to the side, the pant leg there torn substantially to give a view of the injury. 

“This reminds me of an injury I’d helped cure back in Natlan, Grandmaster,” the Traveller said as they leaned closer to examine the wound. “I can heal it. Can everyone step back for a moment?”

Varka didn’t want to, but he complied along with the other knights. 

The Traveller took a step ahead and hovered their hand over the wound. For a moment’s sake, nothing happened, then the abyssal corrosion from the gash on Lohen’s calf began getting absorbed into the Traveller’s body. 

It took perhaps a minute at most, but to Varka it felt like an eternity. He held his breath as the remnants of the corrosion were absorbed. He exhaled sharply. “Thank you so much,” he breathed. 

“It is no problem, Sir Varka,” the Traveller said. “We’ve been meaning to talk to you, too! Can we do that now?”

“Are you alright?” Varka asked, not really having heard much as he stared at the wound on Lohen’s leg, which had begun bleeding normally.

“Yes, I am. I don’t feel any different.”

Varka stared at Lohen for a bit longer before he nodded to the Traveller. “Let’s talk outside,” he said. “Medic! Please take care of the wound on his leg.”

It was a little funny when he thought back to it. Lohen, who’d been the epitome of chaos, had been the one to place a bunny on Varka’s lap and threaten him with death if he dared move or cause the animal any disturbance. 

It was also something that had warmed Varka up from the inside out in something he could not tell. Maybe it was because he was the only one who’d been privy to such a side of his fellow knight. The only one who could see Lohen fall asleep beside the firewood they were burning with a hare tucked to his chest, and the only one whom Lohen trusted wouldn’t do anything. 

Varka sat next to Lohen, who’d finally moved a little in his sleep and had blubbered some incoherencies before slipping back into slumber. He took one of Lohen’s hands into his and ran his fingers as lightly as he could over Lohen’s bruised knuckles. 

Lohen muttered something again before he turned on his side. Varka was surprised that the younger man didn’t wake from the sheer pain alone of moving with those many stab wounds. 

Varka folded his arm and rested his head on it. From this angle, he could clearly see Lohen's sleeping face. 

This was improper. It was terribly improper given their ranks; hell, given their affiliation with the same association. Yet, the thought of losing Lohen had made him realize how much he needed the younger man. 

“A Knight mustn't be swayed by their own desires when it comes to protecting their Nation,” had been something that Seamus had mentioned when he'd caught Varka staring at Lohen's receding form with a fond expression. 

And it was true. Varka had followed that rule for nearly thirteen years since he'd become the grandmaster. Nonetheless, even before that, he had never stepped out of line. 

Servitude had been his purpose. Serve to protect, protect to keep, and keep to cherish their homeland. A singular person had never stood for his devotion to his homeland. Oftentimes, it was due to this, too, that he felt guilty for Crepus' death. His lack of action had been to simply protect the people of Mondstadt from gaining knowledge about Delusions, and he’d hurt Diluc in the process.

Yet, now? 

Varka trailed his hand up to brush the hair out of Lohen's face before his thumb settled on Lohen's cheek and travelled to meet the beauty mark. He caressed the skin there before feeling shame raise its shackles. 

Varka withdrew his hand and exhaled slowly as he closed his tired eyes. 

─ ·✶· ─

It had become a regime of sorts by the time Lohen had finally joined the ranks. Every other night, Lohen would help Varka sneak out of his office so they could roam the woods. 

At times, it would be hunting boars, fishing, sparring, and most often, demolishing ruin guards and hilichurl camps. 

During such moments, especially when either sparring or hunting, Varka often thought himself less of a knight and more of a poet. Venti, by all means, would love to point it out when they drank themselves away whenever Lohen was dispatched on expeditions. The wind can tell your longing, y’know? Might as well cut yourself some slack, child.

Seeing Lohen tear into monsters and beasts alike with such fervor and then tend to little animals had Varka wanting more than he could sow. He’d asked Lohen once, after they’d finished a spar session and lay next to the soft grass by the statue of Barbatos near Windrise. “What is it that you feel when you fight?”

The knights had sometimes paraded around Varka, demanding how he dealt with the Vice Captain, since all Lohen gave them was hell during training. Yet, it wasn’t baseless. Lohen cared for them deeply, in his own twisted way, where he put their lives above his own. Where he, needed to know his knights could take care of things if he were to die. 

“Why do you ask?” Lohen asked. 

“Might I not be curious?”

Lohen grumbled before he raised his leg and pointed his boot to the sky full of stars. “I don’t know. It makes my head feel quieter. It’s peaceful that way.”

“Quiet…”

Lohen glanced at Varka before he dropped his leg and sighed. “Sometimes, it feels really loud and agonizing to stay in one place. Fighting is the only way that I can quench that thirst.”

Varka turned to look at Lohen. “Is that the only remedy?”

Lohen tilted his head with one of his lazy smiles. His eyes flitted to Varka’s lips and then back to the Grandmaster’s face. “Perhaps.” 

─ ·✶· ─

“Grandmaster?” 

“Varka!”

Varka opened bleary eyes and frowned as he felt himself land back into the realm of consciousness. With the happenings of the past week, he felt as though time had grown stagnant entirely, as his position of sleeping in his folded arms by Lohen's side hadn't changed aside from the times he had to bark out commands. 

It took him a moment to register the voice and then the lack of personnel on the bed. “Lohen?” he asked, whirling around to see Lohen sitting next to the fireplace with a meal one of the knights had surely dropped by with. 

Should he be moving? Varka thought to himself. It had hardly been a day since he’d last awakened. 

Varka stood on unsteady legs as he approached Lohen. The sight could have fooled anyone, but he wasn’t anyone. Lohen seemed a lot smaller than his usual stature. Aside from that, his hair had grown greasy and lacklustre, with his skin a lot more pale. His face was flushed as well and had grown a sheen of sweat.

“Grandmaster?” Lohen asked. 

There it was again. The title. The thing that reminded Varka of how wrong this whole ordeal was. He exhaled slowly and dropped to one knee in front of the other knight. “How did you drag yourself here with those injuries?” he asked. 

“One of the knights delivered a healing elixir made by the Deaconess.” Lohen offered Varka a spoon of the lohikeitto he was having. “Most of the injuries have healed substantially; it’s a marvel, really… I can probably go sweep some more of those Wild Hunt creatures—”

“Silence.”

Lohen blinked in surprise. Varka needed a moment to process the entire ordeal. In under a week, Lohen had been fatally wounded and healed as well. He didn’t know how to digest the fact that he’d come so close to losing him.

Varka reached his hand out and brought it forth slowly. He dropped it halfway. Did Lohen not realize how cruel he was being? How utterly his words crushed Varka’s treacherous heart, which yearned for more. 

“Varka?” Lohen asked quietly. “You look like shit.”

Varka snorted, unable to help himself as he sat down in front of Lohen. “Yeah. Worrying about you does that, you rascal.”

“You were worried?”

“Do you not recall what happened?"

“Partially,” Lohen muttered. “I remember following an abyssal trail and found out that it was the source that was corrupting the nearby wild animals. I don’t remember how I’d gotten sweeped into it, though…”

“Do you remember the past week?”

“No.”

Varka swallowed. It was good that Lohen was out of it so as not to have felt the pain that his wounds had brought about. But at the same time, how could the younger man fathom the fear that Varka had lived through?

Varka sighed through his nose and brought his hand to touch Lohen’s cheek only for the younger man to flinch away the slightest. Like the bunnies Lohen had made Varka hold, the grandmaster waited for a moment before Lohen, on his own volition, let his face rest against Varka’s hand. 

“You’re warm,” Varka muttered, moving his hand up to Lohen’s forehead. 

“Mhm,” Lohen hummed. “Fever, I reckon.”

Varka glanced over at the bowl of lohikeitto and realized that there was just one spoon left, the one which Lohen had offered him. Varka couldn’t help but chuckle a little as he reached for the bowl, took out the spoon, and held it up for Lohen. “Open up.”

Lohen glared at him but obliged. “Very chivalric, Grandmaster.”

“Chivilary,” Varka began as he set down the bowl, “Would be me carrying you back to bed so you don’t push yourself more than you already have.”

Lohen opened his mouth to argue, but Varka was already moving to pick him up. He held Lohen in one arm while he used the other to pull the makeshift IV line along with him to the bed. “Stop squirming,” Varka said as he set Lohen down on the bed. 

Lohen bit back a wince, and Varka paused. “May I check your bandages?”

“... Fine.” 

The medic had put Lohen in one of the knight’s loose tunics; thus, checking the bandages wasn’t all that big of a deal. Varka lifted the shirt and paused; the bandage at Lohen’s hip seemed to have turned a faint shade of red. 

“Leave it,” Lohen added, “I’m fine. It’s… the pain isn’t all that bad.”

Why do you keep lying to me?

Varka sighed softly, mostly to himself, as he smiled down at Lohen. “You don’t have to pretend with me, Lohen. I can get you painkillers.”

Lohen shook his head as he averted his eyes. “Leave it for the other knights.”

“You are one of my knights.” 

Varka sat down on the edge of the bed as he guided Lohen to lie down. He offered a hand for Lohen to take. “And I appreciate the selflessness, Lohen, I really do. But you must know that I would do the same for you.”

Lohen turned on his side and stared into the distance. For a minute, Varka thought he was zoning out, but Lohen spoke quietly, “I don’t think I deserve it.”

Varka inhaled carefully and slowly lay down on the edge of the bed, so Lohen was forced to meet his eyes. “Not in this universe, or the other, do you deserve pain. No one does, and despite you not having told me what happened in your past. I can assure you, it wasn’t your fault, and you didn’t deserve any of it.”

Varka squeezed Lohen’s hand. “If at all, it’s the Knights who are to blame for not having helped you earlier.”

Lohen licked his bottom lip and inhaled shakily. “You should hate me.”

You should hate me, too. For being so pathetic in my yearning for you. 

Varka inched closer and tucked Lohen’s behind his ear. “I’m afraid I don’t. I’m afraid I feel so much more than that.”

“Grandmaster—”

“Varka,” Varka corrected. “Please, do not involve our titles when we’re like this. You can consider me as anyone other than your supervisor.”

Lohen’s lips twitched a little. “Does that make this an illicit affair?”

Varka couldn’t help but be infected by that smile. “You rascal…”

Lohen inched closer until their chests were brushing and tilted his head. “I can’t help it,” he confessed. “Getting into messes, I mean.”

“I’ll be there to drag you out, then.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“I am the Knight of Boreus, of course I can.”

“If I make that old wolf sweep the floor with me, we’ll see how much weight your words hold.” Lohen reached up to hold Varka’s face in his hands. His thumb ran over Varka’s scar and stubble. “You cut me too much slack.”

Varka hesitated, but lightly placed his hand on Lohen’s hip. “Are you afraid I don’t care about you?”

“At times.”

Varka watched Lohen avert his eyes. For how much of a gremlin the younger man was when it came to situations he was confident in, seeing him this bashful was endearing to say the least. And, perhaps it was the fever that had Lohen being so honest. 

Varka bumped his nose with Lohen’s forehead and kissed the younger man’s cheek. He felt Lohen’s hands go slack on his jaw as Varka trailed a kiss down to the corner of Lohen’s mouth and pulled back. 

“Old man,” Lohen grumbled as he pushed up to press their lips together. He melted when Varka pulled them impossibly closer, kissing him deeper until they were pulling back to breathe each other in. “Ah.”

Varka couldn't help but smile when Lohen brought a hand to touch his lips. “What’s wrong, Vice Captain?” he teased. “Caught you off guard?”

Lohen replied by pushing himself forward for another kiss, which Varka gladly met. He moved his hand from Lohen’s waist to the back of his knight’s head—lightly massaging his scalp whilst directing the kiss altogether. 

They pulled back, and Lohen stared up at Varka almost like he was in a dream. “Would you prefer I tie you up instead?” Varka asked. “I thought you liked the exclusive free rein that I bestowed on you.”

“I’m not opposed to it,” Lohen muttered, licking his lips. 

“Of course, you’re not.”

“More,” Lohen demanded, moving for another kiss, only to wince in pain. 

Varka laughed openly, caressing Lohen’s jaw. “You’ll get it after I get you some painkillers.”

“I want it now.”

Varka wouldn’t dare deny such an offering. He kissed Lohen once more before he began gently untangling their limbs. Lohen’s body gave way much more easily with the fever weakening him, but the pout on his face spoke volumes. “I’ll be back,” Varka said. “Be good.”

─ ·✶· ─

“If I’m good, will you take me to the sea?” Lohen asked. 

“Why don’t you go there by yourself?” Varka countered as he stacked together the expedition paperwork. They were to set out on their journey to Nod Krai in the next couple days, which had caused most of the headquarter to become desolate after the knights had headed out to drink. 

Lohen frowned and folded his arms, staring holes into Varka’s forehead until the older man finally relented. “Fine.”

When they’d arrived at Falcon Coast after windgliding their way from the cliffs by Dadupa Gorge, Varka felt some semblance of time slowing down. When he noticed Lohen looking at the sea almost triumphantly, he couldn’t help but suspect that the younger man had figured him out. 

“I’ve never been in the waves.” 

Varka blinked when Lohen turned to face him. “Is that an invitation for me to accompany you there as well, Sir Lohen?”

“Perhaps,” Lohen replied as he began removing his boots. 

Varka watched, allured, as Lohen stripped down to his slacks and tunic and stared at Varka expectantly. “Right,” Varka muttered, returning the actions until he was down to the inner layers as well. 

“I’ve heard the sea pulls you in,” Lohen commented as he approached the waves. “It’s poetic, really. Something that gives you life is just as eager to take it back.”

Varka hummed in acknowledgment. “In a land of Gods, that’s a dangerous thought.”

“You don’t think we’ve come from the sea?”

“That would be me supporting that one Fontanian prophecy. But, if we are being frank, I suppose you are right. All beings return into the ground and become material for life to continue.”

“When I die. I want my ashes to be let go off a cliff into the wind. Then I want to return to the waters when I have seen home one last time.” Lohen stepped into the water and let out an inaudible gasp as the water lapped at his feet. 

Varka moved before he could. He put his hand on Lohen’s shoulder and made the younger man turn to face him. “That would be lonely.”

“Returning to the sea? I bet there’s plenty of fish to accompany me.”

Varka followed as Lohen stepped further into the sea, the younger man’s hand falling to grab Varka’s. “I would follow you.”

“Don’t be foolish.”

“If you were to die, I’d follow you,” Varka said, more surely. 

Lohen stopped cold in his tracks and turned to face Varka with water at his waist. He smiled. “Would you follow me if I led you into the sea right now?”

Varka stared at Lohen’s face. Beauty was hardly a word he could use, terroir, perhaps. It seemed more fitting given the context. Lohen felt a lot like home sometimes. He squeezed Lohen’s hand. “I would.”

He should have expected this, as it was characteristically Lohen. “I can’t swim,” the younger knight said. It was all the warning Varka earned before Lohen was letting himself fall back into the dark waters and drag Varka down with him. 

And as the Grandmaster had promised, he followed. 

─ ·✶· ─

By the time Varka returned, Lohen was asleep with plenty of space left for Varka on the bed. “This guy…” Varka muttered to himself as he set the small pack of painkillers and glass of water by the little table that still had Lohen’s bowl on it. 

He approached the bed and removed his boots before settling down. He watched Lohen sleep for a few minutes before he pulled the covers over both of them and drew the smaller man in closer. 

Lohen mumbled something in his sleep, mouth moving against Varka’s chest, but didn’t wake up despite Varka moving him. Varka planted his lips to Lohen’s forehead and let them stay there for a long time. “Good night, mein hasi.”

─ ·✶· ─

“He won’t like it,” Albedo said quietly.

Varka glanced up from the official letter he was drafting. “Do you propose a different move, Albedo?”

Albedo stared at Varka for a long time. “Vice Captain Lohen is a force to be reckoned with. He’ll be a good aid in our battle against Rerir—”

“No.” 

Albedo seemed surprised by Varka’s flat answer. “Stationing him away from the threat will simply…”

Varka paused at the corner of the page, at the one place which demanded his signature. He took a breath in and out. He wasn’t going to risk losing Lohen. Not when he’d just found him. 

“With all due respect. He thinks of himself as a weapon. I don’t want to risk a death unwritten.”

I need him. I need him alive. I don’t know how I’ll end up if I lose the one person I’ve come to love. Yet, Varka could only place his signature at the end of the page and add a seal. He folded it and tucked it into an envelope before handing it to Albedo. “Can I trust you to get it to him?”

“Do you trust he’ll follow through?”

“No,” Varka muttered. “But I’ve prepared enough misleading information to make sure the threat is eliminated before he can track us down. I just hope that Rerir doesn’t target him for any means.”

Albedo nodded, and before he exited the Grandmaster’s tent, paused. “It seems you care about him."

Varka opened and closed his mouth. Though, with the look on Albedo's face, it seemed like he didn't have to acknowledge it, yet, Varka couldn't help himself. "As a part time wine connoisseur, I find it extremely important to not lose my terroir."

Albedo offered a bemused look. "I'll make sure to deliver it to him along with a sleeping draught I've crafted. I assume you want me deliver it to him before our plan finalizes, right?"

"Yes."