Chapter Text
"Hi, Walter!"
He smiled; he still felt his heart soaring straight up through the ceiling when he walked into the Muppets' current studio and was greeted like a friend.
"Hi, Lew! What are you up to?"
"I'm practicing my new act," he held up his fish demonstratively. "The executives say I need something more fresh."
"Ah," Walter nodded sympathetically. Admittedly, the boomerang fish act had been cooler on a screen where he couldn't smell it.
"So I was thinking about changing it up by juggling fish, but I just keep coming back to boomerang fish."
"Oh! Just like how they always come back to you!"
Lew brightened, and that made Walter stand a little taller. Although he'd tried, he'd never been the guy who cheered people up back in Smalltown. It made a nice change, being the nice guy instead of the weirdo.
"What are you doing here today? Do you have a whistling act coming up?"
"Oh, no, I'm just dropping by." How cool was it that now he had the type of life where he could just drop by and see the Muppets? "I thought I'd pay my Miss Piggy Friendship Subscription in person this month."
Lew's eyes widened. "A monthly subscription? I didn't know she offered that!"
Walter was happy for the chance to give his friend an explanation about this really special exclusive feature he'd secured access to--however, Kermit happened to be walking by.
"A monthly subscription to what, asked the frog, with no small amount of trepidation?"
"Oh, Kermit, hi!" Walter stammered nervously. "Um, uh--"
"Miss Piggy is offering her friendship for a monthly subscription," Lew explained loudly. Walter winced. Already a crowd was starting to gather.
"She's what?!"
"It comes with lots of perks," he cut in quickly. "It's totally worth paying extra for the premium plan."
Kermit's forehead scrunched. "Premium plan?"
"Ah, the Miss Piggy Friendship Subscription," Gonzo explained wisely to Fozzie, who'd just arrived. "I remember when I used to pay for that."
"I'm still paying for it," Fozzie admitted. "Actually, I'm, behind on payments. Does anyone have twenty bucks I can borrow?"
That meant Fozzie must be on the basic plan. Walter tried to squash down a feeling of smugness.
Kermit waved his arms around. "This is ridiculous, it can't go on!"
"It's not that bad," Walter said meekly, trying to deescalate the situation. He really didn't want anyone interfering and putting a stop to this, especially not Kermit.
Scooter appeared at Kermit's elbow, summoned by the familiar noises of a frog at his wit's end. "What can't go on, Chief?"
"It's nothing important," Walter said quickly. Scooter's interference wouldn't be quite as bad for Miss Piggy as Kermit's, but it might be worse for Walter.
"She must like you," Fozzie said conversationally, and Walter made a mental note to pay him back somehow for being so calm. "She didn't offer me the monthly subscription for years after we met."
Kermit did not find this information impressive, distracting, or in any other way useful. "Fozzie, you met in the seventies," he said wearily. "Back then you used to just buy things and own them, not pay a bunch of subscriptions."
"Oh, yeah."
"How much does it cost you per month to be Miss Piggy's friend?" Lew Zealand asked. That was exactly what he was supposed to ask, but he'd sort of ruined the effect by blabbing in front of Kermit first.
"It's very affordable," Walter recited miserably. "I'm on the premium plan for the low low price of thirty-five dollars a month."
Scooter's mouth fell open, and he moved from his spot at Kermit's elbow to stand with Walter. "Oh no, no, you don't have to pay a subscription to be Miss Piggy's friend! Just bring her coffee once in a while and compliment her outfits."
Walter blushed, equally hating the feeling of kind of sort of lying to Scooter and being given advice about friendship from his best friend. "I know to bring her coffee and compliment her outfits. Those are some of the perks included in my subscription."
"Those are some of the perks?!" Kermit bellowed, voice breaking.
This was not going how it was meant to at all. If Walter were a little quicker on his feet, he would have changed his plans instead of helplessly reciting, "I get the privilege of a conversation with an outfit compliment once a week, and I have a loyalty card for getting her coffees."
"This cannot go on!" Kermit was in full freakout mode. "Miss Piggy can't charge people a subscription for something like that!"
Oh boy, this was not looking good for Miss Piggy. If Walter couldn't calm everyone down, he might lose his subscription, and he almost had enough marks on his loyalty card to actually have brunch together. "No, it's okay, Kermit, it's just a thing between me and Miss Piggy. It's worth a lot to me to be friends with her, you know?"
"Yes, I know that and she knows that, and she can't do that," Kermit continued to fume.
"Want me to talk to her?" Scooter spoke up, though it wasn't quite clear whether he was addressing Kermit or Walter. "I'm sure I can smooth things over. She was probably just embarrassed to ask you to be her friend. See, you have to lay on the flattery real thick and--"
"I know how to be Miss Piggy's friend," he protested. "I already am her friend, I pay a subscription for it."
"Yeah, but Walter, you shouldn't have to, and Fozzie, you should know better!" Kermit said angrily.
"I'll set her straight, Boss," Scooter assured him, and took a step towards Miss Piggy's dressing room.
"No." Walter stepped into his path, determined not to be ignored. He needed to control the situation, he couldn't lose his Miss Piggy Friendship Subscription! Also, he was pretty sure Scooter had never in his life set Miss Piggy straight and he didn't like to think about where it might land him. "I said I don't need help."
"It's okay, Waltz; Miss Piggy can be tricky to--"
"Miss Piggy is my friend!" he said firmly, his usual gentle politeness lost in the righteous anger of defending her good name, sort of. "She's a great friend and I'm a great friend and we don't want you to interfere!"
Scooter drew back, and Walter's stomach plummeted. He hadn't meant him specifically.
"Just, please," he said a bit more calmly, looking around at each of them. "Can you leave her alone about this?"
Kermit's visibly fought back a response, then sighed and just said, "Good grief."
Thankfully, he had a show to run, and didn't have time to stick around talking about it. Walter felt an exhausting mixture of relief and shame as Kermit left them, shaking his head.
"Hey, Gonzo," Fozzie whispered loudly, "Do you have twenty bucks I can borrow?"
"Let me check." Gonzo dug in his pocket, and his eyes widened. "No, I've got something way better!"
"You do?"
He pulled out a very squiggly bent up little piece of something long and thin--maybe a paperclip?
"I've swallowed this baby twenty-two times! I thought I'd lost her in the wash."
Fozzie put a hand to his face, making a polite sound of interest, and not quite hiding his disappointment.
"I've got twenty bucks, Foz," Scooter almost sighed, his tone and posture dejected compared to his usual manner as he pulled out his wallet. Walter's heart ached; had he done that?
"Oh, thank you, thank you! How can I ever repay you?"
"One of these days you can give me twenty bucks," Scooter said dryly, and then exited stage left.
Walter shrank with shame as his friends dispersed. Here he'd been having a great day, and now Miss Piggy would be in trouble with Kermit because of him, and he'd yelled at Scooter.
"If I get the basic plan, does she remember my name?" asked Lew.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, basic comes with remembering your name and a little leniency on being in the way. Um, I better go drop off my payment."