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Having siblings is great... really great... kind of great... sometimes great... okay well if he's honest it varies from day to day. Mostly though he loves his siblings. Mostly.
Colin has somehow become the go to one. When a sibling who should not be drinking gets completely hammered they come to Colin's to sleep it off, because they know there will be zero judgement, a fry up and a few painkillers waiting the next morning. When they want advice they come to him, because he will be honest and he won't judge their situation. When they want something they come to him. Anthony is the responsible one, Benedict is the fun one, Colin has managed to become the dependable one. It's an honor and it's also an absolute curse.
It's close to 9pm on a Friday night when Colin gets a call. He's at home watching a nature documentary and questioning when being at home watching a nature documentary became the way he chooses to spend his Friday nights.
"Col." His sister Daphne sounds frantic. "I'm probably pregnant and we won't make it to our local shop and I can't not know. You live next door to a little Tesco please can you get a pregnancy test. Simon can come pick it up." She begs him. How can he say no? Also he is not qualified to by a pregnancy test. He has never brought one before and he has no idea how to buy a pregnancy test. Do they just stock them on an aisle, does he have to go and ask for one?
"Fine." He says because he hates the idea of his sister laying awake all night in a panic. He wouldn't wish that on anyone. "No problems Daf. I'll go now." He grabs his keys and checks his phone has enough charge to pay.
"Thanks Col. You're a lifesaver." Daphne says. He'd do anything for his siblings. Even buying a pregnancy test. He's already wondering what he's gotten himself into. A pregnancy test feels like a huge thing to buy. Also why is he questioning this purchase?
Hyacinth his sixteen year old sister calls next, he's just left his flat and stepped out on to the street when the call come through and he answers so quickly he almost drops the phone. Hyacinth never calls, because she says only old people call and it's an outdated practise. She only ever calls him if she's in trouble. "Erm I think... well... okay be cool about this... because I know you did this at sixteen and..."
"Hy." He cuts her off. "How can I help?"
"Condoms." She blurts out. "I think I need them."
He stops mid step almost tripping over thin air and a woman glares at him as she walks past. "What?" He asks, gulping a few times. This is a nightmare right? It has to be a nightmare.
"Safe sex." Hyacinth says. "I'm going to do it anyway so you can at least keep me safe." Nothing has prepared him for this. His youngest sibling. How can she be old enough to know what sex is? Still she annoyingly is right. He was doing it at her age. He can't claim he wasn't. If she's going to have sex it should at least be safe. She makes good and annoyingly thought out points. He can't be a hypocrite. He also cannot fathom the idea of her having unsafe sex. He can barely accept that she knows what sex is.
"Okay." He agrees albeit reluctantly. "I'll get some. But if I get them then I'm asking Daphne to have the talk with you." He states. It's ironic that he's turning to his probably pregnant sister to have the safe sex talk, but someone needs to and Eloise would be too open (her drunken ramblings unnerve him) and the thought of Francesca knowing about sex is sickening. Maybe he is sexist, but he thinks it should come from someone of the same gender as his sister and that means Daphne or his mother. Hyacinth could go to his mother for condoms probably and is choosing to ask him instead, so clearly Daphne is the best option in this scenario.
"Thank you." Hyacinth says and he can hear her smile down the phone. He takes a moment of horror to realise his baby sister is absolutely not a baby anymore. Then he hangs up and forces himself forward, letting his feet carry him into the shop. The store closes in fifteen minutes and the security guard gives him the wary look of someone worried he'll stop them from being able to go home. He grabs a basket and rushes to the health aisle. He has googled where he will find pregnancy tests and that place is apparently the same place as the condoms. The irony is not lost on him. Then again he can't talk, he's buying both pregnancy tests and condoms.
Condoms are easy enough to grab. One box of each size and he's sorted. One job is done. Pregnancy tests are much harder. Even for a small store there's so many pregnancy tests. How do you choose one? He doesn't know how to pick just one. It's impossible. So he takes one of every kind they have, shoves them in his basket and hurries to the checkout determined not to be the last one in the shop. He is the last one in the shop and the cashier gives him a half glare as he rushes to the counter. She is clearly exhausted.
The cashier is also breathtaking. Utterly beautiful. Perfection itself. He wants to drop to one knee and ask her to marry him. She is the woman for him, he's just certain of it. Then his heart sinks. She's going to judge him. How could she not? He'd judge him.
"They're not for me." He blurts out as he places the basket down. He doesn't want her to think he's some irresponsible boyfriend or something like that. He doesn't want her to think he's a boyfriend full stop.
She raises an eyebrow. "I said nothing." She says. She glances inside the basket and her eyes widen for a moment, but she says nothing and just proceeds to scan the shopping through, looking bored as she does so. She's glancing around the shop as she scans clearly checking if anyone else is inside. She is obviously someone desperate to escape this place.
"They're really not for me." He repeats immediately kicking himself for being an idiot. She doesn't seem to care.
"It's really none of my business." She replies, as she scans yet another test through with a shrug of her shoulders.
"Yeah but I know how it looks." He says. He's over thinking this and he knows it. "Like not at all good." He declares. She's going to think he's an idiot. She probably already thinks it.
She sighs. "Look," She says looking up at him properly for the first time. Even in his flustered state he doesn't miss the way she very obviously checks him out. She turns serious again very quickly. "it really is none of my business. Buy what you want as long as you're not stealing then I'm doing my job." She adds with another shrug. She's so non judgemental. He wonders if this is love.
"But you're really hot." He blurts out. The security guards head snaps towards him, eyebrow shooting up as if to ask the cashier whether to remove him. She gives the security guard a small smile. "And I'd maybe like to leave my number. I mean no pressure or anything, but... I don't want you thinking I'm the kind of man who buys pregnancy tests and condoms together." He blurts out. Idiot. He is an utter idiot. Is there even anything wrong with buying pregnancy tests and condoms together? Maybe people do it all the time?
She looks amused. "Well I can't stop you leaving me your number." She states. "And for the record I really really don't care what customers buy. Although if you're buying the pregnancy test it's probably a little late for condoms." She adds cheekily. He laughs at that. She's funny too. She's so perfect. He could propose on the spot. What is wrong with him? He's normally so cool around women, but this one has broken him after just three minutes of her serving him.
"Here." He says fishing in his pocket for a business card. "Please call." He sounds a little like he's begging. She's going to think he's so needy. He doesn't care though as long as she calls.m
She takes it. "This is a grey area in the employee hand book." She declares with a smile. "If I lose my job I might sue you," She adds teasingly. "especially because you must be rich in order to spend over one hundred pounds on pregnancy tests and condoms." She adds with a grin.
He chuckles. "And a bag please." He remembers because he doesn't want to bump into a neighbour while juggling this particular shop. She scans the bag through and asks him about whether he has a club card. At least he'll get plenty of points for this and maybe the love of his life too. "I'm Colin by the way." He states, as he taps his phone on the card reader.
She chuckles. "I know your business card says so."
"He's the last customer." The security guard shouts ruining the moment. Colin is aware they probably just want to go home. It's basically closing time and he's fawning over the cashier like an idiot.
"Thanks." The Woman responds giving the guard a smile.
"And you are?" Colin prompts. He doesn't even know her name and he's already having visions of marrying her.
"Penelope." She says with a smile.
"I look forward to your call Penelope." he says grabbing the bag and his receipt and giving her a wink.
"Bold of you to assume I'll call." She teases back. He gives her another wink and then leaves. Maybe buying condoms and pregnancy tests wasn't as bad as he thought...
She does call. She calls and mocks him for his insane purchase and he discovers she's doing a masters in literature and working to fund it. She's his girlfriend after three dates, that summer when she graduates he is there cheering her on with a huge smile on his face and a pregnant Daphne with him because she takes all the credit for their meeting and is determined to be Penelope's best friend (Eloise beats her too it), by the following April they're engaged and a month later married with Hyacinth making the mistake of informing Daphne she shares the credit for their meeting and then having to explain to their eldest brother why that is and the next time he's buying pregnancy tests it's alongside the sweets Penelope's craving and the man behind the desk doesn't even look up as he scans every test Colin could find through the till. Colin doesn't explain himself and he certainly doesn't need any condoms.