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As the new boy introduced himself, I could see Keonho turn ecstatic as the new member introduced himself.
“Hi, I’m Kim Juhoon, I was born January 3rd 2008, I used to model and I can speak good english.” Juhoon, I thought, I want to welcome him but Keonho beats me to it.
“Hi, I’m Ahn Keonho!! I’m the youngest being born on Valentines Day, February 14th 2009!! I used to swim and Seonghyeon is the same age as me!” This idiot introduced me before I could even welcome the boy.
“Keonho, I’m supposed to introduce myself. Hi, I’m Eom Seonghyeon, English name Sean, I was born January 13th 2009 making me a month older than Keonho and the second youngest. I also have a little sister.” I hoped I made a good first impression to the new boy but Keonho clearly wanted to apologize. A single apologetic gaze from him and I would do anything, I looked back at him and that was all he needed.
He swiftly moved over to hug me from the back and apologized in a whisper. I could feel a weight on my shoulder. He rested his head on my own body and I could feel his hot breath on my neck. Luckily the other members paid no attention to us and so the red appearing on my cheeks went unnoticed. The rest of the introductions flew by as I could really only focus on the younger boy hugging my waist tightly.
—————
As Martin left for his usual late night studio session the rest of us headed off to the dorms as Juhoon chose to stay in James and Martin’s room. Honestly, thank God, because I don’t think I could deal with Keonho yapping to Juhoon tonight with how tiring today’s practice was. However his puppy energy had exploded on the way back asking Juhoon a ton of questions. I joined in occasionally but in the end I just gave an apologetic glance at the elder who smiled back.
I was exhausted after practice already but James and Keonho made it their mission to play games and eat food with Juhoon. Juhoon was incredibly fun to be with and him and I got along quite well. As I go to wash up after Keonho the wave of exhaustion hits me like a brick. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep briefly in that shower. Afterwards, as I head to my room I’m met with a Keonho on the closest bed to the door. Sure is it technically his bed, yeah, did I stop caring when exhaustion had me pass out onto his bed one night and I had the best sleep ever, also yes. Keonho had also started picking up on the days I’m more exhausted than usual and makes extra room for me on the already tiny bed. As I flop onto the bed that does not belong to me, Keonho is already pulling the covers over both of us. At the same time I feel an arm wrap around my waist and pull me closer, usually I’d pull away not wanting to be that close. However it was Keonho so it brought a sense of comfort and safety rather than distaste.
I had noticed Keonho brought a feeling of peace the first time we hugged and I had a thought in the back of my mind that I didn’t want to let go. As we got closer, those hugs became a regular thing and the peacefulness stayed within. When I fainted onto Keonho from exhaustion I was expecting Keonho to either move himself or move me, but instead I woke up in a warm hug. Instead of being upset, Keonho was worried about me and me only. He made me breakfast that morning, watched me like a hawk during the practice that day and in the studio he stayed right by my side. I remember the conversation nearly word for word, I had with him about it later that night, “Keonho, I’m okay! Seriously.”
“I would believe you if you didn’t pass out onto my bed last night and stay asleep until morning. I’m worried and for valid reasons, but listen if you need to pass out onto my bed because it’s closer, do so. I don’t care about that, I don’t care about you sleeping in my bed with me, I care about you Seonghyeon. I want you to be okay, I don’t want to lose my twin.” Keonho had a naturally higher pitched voice but when he spoke that night his voice dipped into a deeper and softer tone. That night something changed within our friendship, if I could even call it that anymore. We got naturally more clingy to one another, usually instigated by Keonho but I never hated it. I couldn’t hate it when it made my worries disappear.
Safe to say I took him up on that offer, anytime I was overly exhausted from a practice, I would fall asleep on Keonho in his bed. Every morning waking up to a pair of arms wrapped around me and my legs tangled with his. Most of the time the younger would be awake before me and I would see him just staring at me welcoming me in the morning when I did wake up. However, on the few days I would wake up first, I would just stare and admire his face. As it was neatly structured, had just enough face fat to be cute and sexy, his sunkissed skin would be clear and his lips would always look so soft. I knew it was weird to think about that but if it’s true then it's not weird, right?
—————
I’ve always claimed myself to not be a jealous person, granted I also never had a partner; with my friends I’ve never gotten jealous when they hang out with someone else. I never got why people did either, until I met Eom Seonghyeon. It wasn’t there at first, when another member would hug him I would feel a slight urge to pull them apart. It started small, a knot would form in my stomach and I always told myself it’s just because I was tired, over time though it got worse. The knot would get tighter and bigger, the urges to pull only Seonghyeon away would get overwhelming. It’s just because we were the same age though, right? It’s only because we’re the closest and have done the most together, right?
The more Seonghyeon slept in my bed instead of his own, the jealousy would grow. Multiple times I would have to stop myself from naturally glaring at the other members because they were too close to Seonghyeon. Jealousy grew and I could tell I was getting possessive, maybe even obsessive. I never knew I could get this way, I never thought I would. Seonghyeon noticed one time that I was glaring at Martin who had pulled him into a hug. He gave me a look of confusion, maybe even some disgust and I could not live with the idea of Seonghyeon thinking I was disgusting or disgusted at him. That's when I knew I needed to calm down, stopping myself from glaring at the other members when they touched him. With just one look from him I changed immediately, obeying him like I was some desperate puppy and fuck maybe I was.
Because he's my Eom Seonghyeon.
Things only got worse for me when Kim Juhoon joined. The boy seemed nice and chill, and seemed like he would be a great roommate for James. I was excited as he introduced himself, maybe a little too excited as I immediately introduced myself first and I naturally briefly introduced Seonghyeon. The words were spoken before I could think that I wasn’t meant to introduce someone else. Seonghyeon reminded me of that in his own introduction and I wanted to apologize, because the look that boy gave me could get me begging for forgiveness. Luckily he saw that I wanted to apologize and gave me that look of approval. I didn’t want to be seen as crazy by the new boy so I walked over respectfully slowly regardless of the urges and voices in my head telling me to do otherwise.
I whispered my apology as I rested my head on his shoulder and swung my arms around his waist. I knew Seonghyeon worked out, hell all of us did. However, the size of his waist doesn’t fail to amaze me every time I get to hold it, especially since it’s been a minute. Did that lead to me holding him tighter than usual, yeah, but so what. All the members knew we were clingy so no one would know the difference of a slightly tighter belt. I feel Seonghyeon’s skin get hotter and as I glance up I see his ears turning red and his cheeks a much deeper red than earlier and it's not cold out. I knew I was far gone when I told myself I wanted to see his face red more often. Luckily I was the one holding him later that night.
I expected Seonghyeon and Juhoon to get along, they had similar vibes. What I wasn’t expecting was for them to get that close and it pissed me off, bad. The worst part was I knew Juhoon liked Martin and that they would definitely get together before debut, Seonghyeon and I betted on it. The fact I still would get jealous when Seonghyeon would play around with Juhoon instead of me or whenever they would just briefly hug each other was unsettling to say the least. I was shocked at myself but the more I thought about who I was getting all riled up for it made complete sense. As I was the one holding him in my bed almost every night as we got closer to debut because Seonghyeon was naturally more exhausted. I had to remind myself about how I was the one holding Seonghyeon at night and not Juhoon more times than I would like to admit.
—————
As the debut got closer, Juhoon and I got closer along with it. The two of us would run random errands together, talk about what it would be like after debuting, and just have regular conversations about sports and music. As we got closer our conversations slowly started hinting at deeper conversations and I couldn’t help but notice how Juhoon acted with Martin. It was obvious he liked Martin and I could only hope they would figure it out. Once James asked Juhoon to go get Martin from the studio every night it was clear their bond had only gotten stronger. It got so strong that Keonho and I betted on when they would get together, I said after the debut, he said before. I knew how Juhoon was, he was reserved and didn’t love talking about deeper topics, or at least I thought so.
What I wasn’t expecting was for Juhoon to walk into Keonho and I’s room as we were doing our usual routine of cuddling in Keonho’s bed. I was shocked to say the least, but since Keonho was already asleep I could only help but feel the gaze Juhoon was giving me. As I was asked to leave and be pulled for a chat with Juhoon out in the living room I saw the older’s face change to a much more stressed and concerned look. It was clearer than a window shop’s windows that something was overwhelming him. He didn’t let me sit down on the couch before he started talking.
“I think I like Martin, as in more than a friend, as if I don’t think I could continue without him being with me.” He blurted out after he sat down. I’m not shocked about the fact he likes Martin, I think everyone knows that but I’m shocked he’s being this open about it. The shock within me was easy to spot and I only woke up from my thoughts when I felt a tug on my shirt. I came back and knew I just had to be honest, I took my seat and I could see the water in Juhoon’s eyes pooling together at the bottom of his eyes.
“Juhoon don’t cry, this is nothing to cry over. You can’t help falling in love with someone. Why do you think you fell in love with him? Are there any particular things he does that you think may have led to this?” I asked patting his back.
“I’m not going to cry. I know I can’t help falling in love with him, especially with how he acts towards me. It's the way that we naturally go towards each other, we almost always end up next to each other regardless of how far apart we started. I mean he only does certain things with me or for me, James told me when he asked to stay after in the studio to learn, Martin refused. Martin didn’t refuse me though, he let me stay for hours with close to no resistance.” Juhoon shares but I can tell there's more he wants to tell me.
“Well James was probably just going to stay for thirty minutes and then leave or make Martin leave with him. However Martin does constantly wait for you or purposefully moves to get closer. However it's clear there’s more he does without the rest of us being there, is there more he does that feels limited to you?” As I’m comforting Juhoon he continues.
“I can almost always feel his glare on me during practices, almost making sure I’m still there and always okay. It’s how he is constantly looking out for me and not just in a leader way. He will make me food randomly, make sure I go to bed at a reasonable hour, makes sure I don’t feel out of place, answers any questions I have, I mean truly will do anything. Don’t tell anyone this but the only way I’ve been able to get Martin to come back from the studio is if I sit on his lap and block the screen. It makes me think he likes me back but I have this small voice in my head saying he doesn’t and even if he does, it's wrong. We're both idols, idols can’t date.” Juhoon’s eyes glisten with the water forming towards his lower lashes. As I hear Juhoon list his reasons, I feel a sense of familiarity in the experiences and I don’t know why. However what I do know is that Martin definitely likes Juhoon back. That man could easily lift Juhoon off his lap if he really wanted to.
“Juhoon, it is so obvious that Martin likes you back. Go for it, genuinely there's no way he’d reject you. Everyone knows you two like each other, it’s kinda hard to miss. If you two are careful enough then it won’t matter that you’ll be dating. Many idols date, whether it's public or private it doesn’t matter. You deserve love and to be loved, just because you’re an idol doesn’t mean you should be stripped of that possibility. However at the end of the day, take however much time you need to properly be with him and be ready to take on that challenge.””
He looks back at me with less tears dwelling in his eyes, he's feeling less stressed about it as he whispers a subtle thank you. I nod my head and start to get up to head back to the room as I feel a hand reach out and push me back down. I fall back as my head hits the top of the couch, I look over and Juhoon’s demeanor has entirely changed into a we need to talk more.
“What the hell was that for?” I question
“Did you really think I wasn’t going to ask you about why you and Keonho were cuddling in the same bed when I walked in.” I truly did forget that he had walked in on that, it would’ve been great if we both had forgotten it. Of course Juhoon didn’t forget though, unfortunately.
“Okay fine, ask away.” I reluctantly say
“Well then let's start simple, why and how?”
“I collapsed one night into his bed from exhaustion and actually had good sleep for once. So he allowed me to just crash into his bed if I was too tired to go on my own. It started off as something I did like twice a week but more recently it started just becoming every night as well as just occasionally cuddling before we sleep. I fall asleep easier in his bed and he doesn’t mind, so it’s just worked out.” I replied with a small lie, it's not because I’m in his bed, it’s because he’s there, Keonho is there holding me tight keeping me safe. That's probably why I sleep better, as much as I hate to admit it. It's also why something has definitely shifted within our relationship to where I genuinely don’t know what to call it anymore. My thoughts were cut off by Juhoon.
“Do you fall asleep easier because of the bed or because he’s cuddling you?” Juhoon looked me directly in the eyes with a big smile that I wish I could wipe off his face right now. I mean seriously grinning as if he’s an all knowing being.
“Okay maybe it’s because he’s cuddling me, but it doesn’t mean anything to him. It’s just Keonho being his usual caring self, nothing more. He loves making people feel safe and comfortable and he does that for me with hugs and cuddles, just like everyone else.” As I’m cut off by Juhoon again I can see the look in his eyes have changed into warmth.
“Do you want it to be more? Do you want it to mean something to him, even if it’s only a fraction of how much it means to you?’ As I try to speak, I’m immediately shut down, ‘Seonghyeon, I really think you should also take your own advice. Keonho glares at any one of us when we get within an inch of you. You say Martin is so obviously in love with me, but Keonho is also so obviously in love with you. Don’t pull that I don’t like him back though, because you do, whether you knew that or if I just told you, doesn’t matter.”
“Obviously I want it to mean more, anyone would. Keonho just cares for people though, he cares for me more because we’re the same age and he doesn’t want to lose me. He’s told me that he doesn’t want to lose his twin. Yes I know I like him as much as I hate to admit it, but I truly don’t think he likes me back. We’ve just always been close because of our age.”
“Keonho isn’t the leader, yet he is actively choosing to care for you more than the rest of us and it shows. The same thing Martin does for me at practices, you can see Keonho doing the same to you. Yes you two have always been close, but if you can fall asleep in someone’s arms and feel safe just because of that contact there is something more. If Keonho saw you just as a friend he would not be nearly as jealous as he gets from seeing you with someone else. He’s only extra clingy with you, he’s not a huge fan of physical contact yet he will cling to you like a koala on a branch. Promise me you’ll confess and I’ll do the same.” Juhoon finishes
“Promise.” As we hug each other and depart back to our rooms, I hope that we can both actually fulfill our promise to one another.
As I walk into my room, Keonho is wide awake on his bed staring at me like it’s a miracle I’m here. I get back into his bed and cover his mouth with my hand as a warning that I want to talk first.
“Juhoon wanted to talk about him and Martin. I have a feeling they will date soon, probably after debut though. That’s all, I’m okay and alive.” I’m staring directly into Keonho’s eyes. I'm sad I can’t see much because I can’t make out how he's feeling.
“I bet it’ll be before debut.” He says, wrapping his arms back around my waist and pulling me closer.
“$20?” I reply as I bury my head into his neck.
“Bet, may the best twin win” He says, not knowing that I just want to be called more than his twin.
—————
Juhoon and Seonghyeon have been much closer these past days especially ever since Juhoon pulled Seonghyeon in the middle of us cuddling. I’m not saying Seonghyeon lied about what they talked about because Juhoon has been with Martin more and I’m hoping they finally got together. As selfish as this may sound, I’m happy they’re obviously going fo get together soon so that Juhoon can leave my Seonghyeon alone. I’m also just happy for them, they deserve to be loved by each other.
These days I’ve realized more about Seonghyeon. One of which being that when I call him my twin I can see a slight change in his mood. He stays his usual self but I can feel a difference in his attitude, it’s almost like he gets disappointed when I call him twin. Another thing is he’s been clearly overly exhausted these days, I’ve noticed it in practice and because every day this week he has slept in my bed. I’m not complaining about it though, I could never, I love cuddling him. The final thing is that he’s been stressed and not only about debut as it approaches. There’s something else there that he’s not telling me and I need to know so I can help. However when I asked him what’s been stressing him out lately besides debut he said it was nothing and that I shouldn’t worry about it.
It ticks me off that Juhoon obviously knows what it is, Juhoon knows instead of me. Kim Juhoon knows something about Seonghyeon that I don’t. At least it looks like he’s been helping Seonghyeon but it still pisses me off more than it should. Why the hell did Seonghyeon tell him and not me, not only not tell me but refuse to tell me. Whatever it is, I need to know as soon as possible because I might just use other methods to get him to tell me. However I need to stay respectful of Seonghyeon, I can’t go too far, it’ll only make him fear me.
I fear myself, I’m afraid of myself. I Ahn Keonho am afraid of Ahn Keonho. Afraid of what I may do to someone I love because of someone I love more. I’ve become possessive of a boy I have no idea of if he likes me back. I have my reasons to think he does, but I also have my reasons to think he doesn’t. I’m afraid that one day I might actually act upon my thoughts and hurt one of the members because I couldn’t fully control myself. Because I’m jealous of a boy that I can’t even accurately call mine. I’m not even fully sure if I would ever act out and attack someone like I do in my thoughts, but I’m doing everything I can not to.
I just hope one day I can call Eom Seonghyeon mine and only mine.
—————
It’s been a week since Juhoon and I talked. Juhoon looks happier and he’s been leaving earlier to get Martin but coming back at the same later hour. His side of the promise is obviously already fulfilled, it’s just my side left. However I technically told Keonho last night how I felt. Was it most likely in the heat of the moment, unfortunately. What happened last night just confirmed what Juhoon told me, Keonho gets incredibly jealous. Possessive even, but it did every except scare me. Having a man act like that because of you should not be that attractive, yet I’ve replayed that moment a thousand times. Still getting a knot in my stomach at a memory of a moment.
Once I heard that James, Juhoon and Martin had to go do something late into the night for the second night in a row. I wasn't paying attention enough to catch what, I was thinking about how it would finally be the right time to properly tell Keonho how I felt. I still had the doubts, but they were pitifully small. I knew the truth, I just needed confirmation that everything wasn’t in the swirl of the moment.
Once the night finally arrived where Keonho and I said goodbye to the other members. I shut the door and immediately had a hand on my waist guiding me to the couch. We sat down and Keonho started talking about what he wanted to watch. Shows were the last thing on my mind right now, I was thinking about when I would tell Keonho. Do I tell him now or later? Was all that was going on in brain, thoughts of the same words, finding new ways to flip and turn.
It got to a point where I didn’t even notice Keonho had stopped talking and was just staring at me. Apparently if you stare at someone long enough you become telepathically connected and Keonho killed my thoughts quickly with a singular statement.
“Hey don’t we have something to tell each other again? You know since last night happened.” This guy, I swore under my breath.
“Okay fine, yeah we both do. I’m going first because I can’t handle it any longer. I’m in love with you, what I told you last night was true. Everything was true, how I feel safe and relaxed in your presence even with you just standing nearby. How I still can’t fully get used to having your arms around my waist casually, as if that doesn’t send my mind into overload. Yes I sleep better not because it’s your bed but because you’re sleeping next to me, I’m actively being cuddled by you nearly every night and my sleep has never been better. Yes I don’t like being called your twin because it made everything that we’ve done seem platonic. No I wasn’t aware of just how jealous you got, screw Juhoon for being right. So yeah, it wasn’t just a moment thing, I do love you. With all my heart at that and I am not terrified of you.” I say everything so quickly that words got mixed up and I wouldn’t be shocked if he couldn’t hear some of it.
His attention however was still fully on me, not once did I see his attention gravitate towards something else. As I spoke longer a smile grew on his face that would only just keep getting bigger until it couldn’t anymore. Before I even fully processed that I just confessed everything I was pulled onto the younger’s lap by the same arms on waist that I still can’t fully get over. He finally responds and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was truly holding in.
“I love you too Seonghyeon. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to actually call you mine and it be accurate. Fuck you’re adorable and I’m sorry for my language but it’s true. Everything I said last night was true as well. I’m so happy you’re not afraid of me because I’m afraid of myself with what I might do one day. I would do last night again though,’ I slapped him gently on his shoulder out of embarrassment, ‘Okay okay I get it, but both of us enjoyed it. Anyways, I love how attentive you are to others, I love how you know what I need at times, I love how you've never judged me when others would but instead just join or comfort me, I love how you smile at the members like they’re your entire world, I love how you take care of your family, I love how kind you are, I love how we have the same humor. I’m sorry about calling you twin, you can believe me when I say I’m going to be calling you a lot of different things if you’ll agree to be my boyfriend. No rush though.” He just stayed smiling at me the whole time, eyes full of love and warmth, how could I say no to that.
I get more comfortable in his lap as I speak, “Yes I’ll be your boyfriend. I want to be your boyfriend and be loved by you for the rest of my life.”
He rests his head on my chest as he mumbles a promise to do just that.
The night goes on and we watch comedies and stupid shows together, cuddling the entire time. As the night goes longer, the laughs get breathier and before I know it I’m being carried to our room. I feel my own breath steadying out as I’m placed on the same comfortable bed I’ve been sleeping in the past weeks. I feel the same familiar figure climb in shortly after and as we get into our usual positions, I hear a faint I love you before passing out.