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"Go away! Go away! No!"
Xiaoge turned from his watch by the fire as Bai Haotian's cry split the night. It wasn't the first such awakening they'd had since the rescue that had rejoined them with her, Liu Sang, and Xiazi, but he'd learned quickly that a strange man appearing outside her tent would not make anything better, so he remained in his place by the fire. She wouldn't speak of what had happened before Wu Xie had come to her rescue, but her nightmares had made it clear enough what fears stalked her in sleep.
Xiaoge liked Xiao Bai. She was quick, clever, energetic, and efficient, worthy of being their fourth sister, but even now, she wasn't Xiaoge's main concern.
Moments after Xiao Bai's cries quieted back into sleepy mumbles and then breathy snores, another form emerged from a different tent, wrapped in a blanket, and stumbling from interrupted sleep. His last stumble nearly sent him to his knees, but Xiaoge was there to catch him before he missed a second step. Quietly he said, "It's not your turn at watch."
Wu Xie shrugged as Xiaoge helped him down to a seat beside the fire. "Won't sleep after that."
No, he wouldn't.
Xiaoge lowered himself down once more, then turned to prod the fire into a little more warmth. Wu Xie was always cold these days, and never more so than after being jolted out of sleep in the middle of the night. Even Pangzi's comforting warmth beside him wasn't enough. Xiaoge shifted to brace his weight a little more firmly, then reached one hand around to Wu Xie's shoulders and applied just enough pressure for Wu Xie to understand what he was offering. Some nights, Wu Xie would accept that offer, would let himself be pulled over to pillow his head against Xiaoge's shoulder or thigh. Some nights, he wouldn't.
Xiaoge waited, ever patient.
In the end, Wu Xie allowed himself to be maneuvered into a more comfortable resting position with his head in Xiaoge's lap. When Wu Xie finally relaxed, growing heavier against him, Xiaoge let out the breath he'd been holding. Perhaps a little more sleep wasn't as far fetched an idea as he'd thought.
Nearly 30 minutes later, however, Wu Xie proved his idle wishing wrong. So quietly Xiaoge almost missed it, he said, "You never said…"
Xiaoge leaned closer. "Wu Xie?"
"…you never said how hard it is to be the rescuer."
Oh.
"I was almost too late. He almost… what if I hadn't made it in time?"
Xiaoge hesitated for a moment, unsure whether touch would be welcome or not in this case, but eventually gave in to the impulse and began running his fingers through Wu Xie's hair. What if I hadn't made it in time? That question had been haunting Xiaoge's nights for years, ever since meeting Wu Xie. He hadn't been able to answer it for himself, either, unable to even imagine a scenario where Wu Xie would need him and he wouldn't be there to help.
Until—
Xiaoge swallowed hard as an all-too-familiar lump rose in his throat. He answered, "Sometimes you won't."
Wu Xie tensed under his hand for just a moment as his words registered, but one by one, he forced his muscles to release. "No… I suppose no one always makes it in time." A pause. "…not even you."
Xiaoge let that last sentence pass like the swiftly moving thundercloud he knew it could be. Once upon a time, he had been certain that he would be there to save Wu Xie from everything that could ever hurt him. That was before. This was now. Xiaoge was no longer sure. He was no longer sure, at all. And Wu Xie was the one who'd paid the price.
Xiaoge resumed his gentle stroking once more. "Sleep, Wu Xie. I will keep watch."
And to Xiaoge's everlasting surprise, just moments later, Wu Xie did.
Coming back to Wushanju once it was all over should have felt like a triumph—the conquering heroes, home at last! But Wu Xie didn't feel like a conquering hero. He just felt… tired. Yes, he could breathe freely for the first time in months. Yes, he had defeated his enemies, both blatant and hidden. Yes, Ershu was making a full recovery, along with Li Jiale and Jia Kezi. Even Xiaoge had come home with them, looking for all the world like he intended to stay, this time.
But Wu Xie still woke in the middle of the night with the memory of Xiao Bai's screams in his ears. He'd saved her. He had. She'd been frightened, terrified, and would be traumatized long after her experience… but the man had barely touched her. He hadn't even undone the closure of her jumpsuit.
There are so many ways one can be hurt like that that don't require disrobing.
Wu Xie sat up and shook his head as though that might dislodge the thought. He knew well enough how much harm could be done by a man bent on that kind of perversion. He had enough bad memories of being unable to breathe, of his throat ravaged by a cancer that left him coughing until he spat blood onto the floor like some doomed wuxia hero. He hadn't needed any more.
But it wasn't the same.
Xiao Bai hadn't asked for any of it. Xiao Bai had been a victim of circumstance.
…she hadn't brought it on herself.
Wu Xie pushed himself out of bed, pausing only long enough to shove his feet into his slippers and pull on his robe. His body was healed of cancer, but not even the golden water could cure this particular kind of cold.
Some days he wondered if he would ever feel warm again.
A hot shower could chase it away for a little while. Sometimes a cup of tea would do the trick. Sometimes curling up on the couch with Xiaoge, Pangzi, and Xiaomei, jostled around as Pangzi gesticulated at the screen and Xiaomei laughed as they hadn't heard her laugh in months at her adoptive father's antics, and Xiaoge allowed himself the smallest of smiles at their innocent joy… sometimes then, Wu Xie began to feel warm once more.
But alone in his room, in the middle of the night, when the shadows grew tangible and ran icy shivers down his spine reminiscent of someone else's hands, when Xiao Bai's voice rang in his ears with the screams he had never let himself utter… then Wu Xie could never get warm.
At the time, Wu Xie had thought he could take it. It was a good bargain. Access to the second floor, unencumbered, for just… a few small favors. Sex didn't mean anything to him, it never had. He'd never wanted anyone. Not that way. It was just… one more use he could put his body to, to get to the answers he needed. He'd been injured before. He knew what his body could take, even as damaged as it was by a cancer he couldn't fight. He should have been able to take it. It shouldn't have mattered.
It shouldn't have mattered.
It shouldn't have—
It had mattered.
Wu Xie stripped out of his clothes and stepped into the shower, turning the water on full blast in a bid to distract himself, barely noticing as his body grew colder and colder. It wasn't until he was shivering hard enough to knock his teeth together that someone reached into the shower to shut the water off and grab his shoulders to pull him out. Dazed and shaken, and barely aware of his surroundings, Wu Xie fought that grip with everything in him, fought the way he should have fought in Warehouse 11, the way he should have fought when Director Ding had offered him that devil's bargain to begin with.
But these hands were warm in a way Director Ding's had never been. These hands were callused, but gentle, wrapping him in a large towel, and gently rubbing him dry as they held him close. Wu Xie would know those hands anywhere.
He subsided then, and let Xiaoge finish drying him off, let Xiaoge clothe him in a fresh set of pajamas—the fleece ones he usually saved for the coldest of winter nights—and finish it all off by tucking Wu Xie into one of his own black hoodies. Then before Wu Xie could even think to protest, Xiaoge had scooped him up into his arms and was carrying him back towards his bedroom.
Xiaoge tucked Wu Xie under the covers and carefully climbed in next to him, pulling him into the circle of his arms, Wu Xie's ear resting against the slow beat of his heart. Slowly, methodically, Xiaoge's hands began traveling from his nape to the small of his back, over and over, nonsense noises tumbling from his lips as he sought to ease Wu Xie's shivering.
Wu Xie couldn't make sense of a single one of those sounds as he shook and trembled, though Xiaoge was the last person on earth he could envision making the kind of shushing comfort noises one would make for a restless child. Eventually, as Wu Xie's body slowly warmed, his panicked gasps after air finally easing enough to calm the thunder in his ears, Xiaoge's words finally began to make sense… and nearly started Wu Xie shaking anew.
"…sorry. Wu Xie, I'm sorry. I didn't make it in time. I should have been there. I should have stopped it. I should have saved you. It's my job to save you. So sorry…"
No.
No, Wu Xie would not have that.
He freed one hand from the death grip he'd had on Xiaoge's tee-shirt, hissing as he shook out the cramp that had overtaken his fingers, and then gently covered Xiaoge's mouth to stop the flow of words. When Xiaoge stilled beneath him, Wu Xie said, "What happened to me was not your fault. I walked into it with my eyes wide open. It was my mistake to make, and it was not your responsibility to save me from my own poor choices."
Xiaoge's lips moved beneath Wu Xie's hand, and even muffled, he could now easily make out the words. "If I had been there with you, you would not have made that choice."
Wu Xie sighed and slowly pulled his hand back to rest on Xiaoge's chest. "You don't know that."
"Yes, I do."
"You— Xiaoge. We were running out of time, and there was no better way to get the information I needed."
"We would have found a way." Wu Xie opened his mouth to answer, but Xiaoge continued talking. "The Iron Triangle has always been strongest together. If I had been there, if we had been together, we would have found another way." He finished with, "And a choice made with a sword to your throat is no choice at all."
Wu Xie's breath caught, habit forcing a cough from his lungs when medical reasons no longer would. Xiaoge held him through it, once again stroking his back as Wu Xie fought with his breathing, along with his racing thoughts. Finally, he wheezed, "There was no sword to my throat."
Xiaoge's arms tightened around him momentarily before resuming their stroking. "There was one to mine. And to Xiazi's. And Er-ye's. And everyone else that you love. To you, it is the same." He paused, then said, "To you, it is worse."
And that was the crux of it, wasn't it? Wu Xie had always been ruthless in dealing with his enemies, with anyone who threatened those he loved… especially with those who threatened Xiaoge. And he was equally ruthless with himself in pursuit of those dealings. There was nothing so precious that he wouldn't lay it on the altar of sacrifice to save those he loved… to save Xiaoge. Wushanju? His possessions? His money? His future? His very soul? Even the lives of others were not sacrosanct, as evidenced by every one of the seventeen scars he kept hidden under his sleeve. What was his own body in comparison with all of that? So he had bargained it all away, more than once, and done it gladly.
He just hadn't expected to still be alive when the repercussions came home to roost.
Wu Xie turned his face briefly into Xiaoge's chest, the scent of him filling his nose until it blocked out everything else, even the memory of those cold hands on his body. For the first time in months, Wu Xie finally began to feel warm.
"Xiaoge… would you… would you…?"
"Stay?"
Wu Xie swallowed hard, unable to get the word out, so he nodded his head against Xiaoge's chest.
"Here at Wushanju?"
When Wu Xie nodded once more, Xiaoge paused, then added with an accompanying squeeze of his arms around Wu Xie's body, "Here… tonight?"
Another nod, this time nearly frantic as Wu Xie squeezed him in return.
There was silence for a time after that, and Wu Xie caught himself holding his breath more than once while waiting for Xiaoge's response. He didn't start breathing normally again until Xiaoge's hands resumed their gentle stroking.
"Yes."
Wu Xie finally dared to look up to meet Xiaoge's gaze. "OK… Xiaoge, what does that mean, exactly?"
"I wasn't there when you needed me before. I won't take the chance of not being in time, again."
Wu Xie turned his head to lay it back down on Xiaoge's chest. "Is this… Xiaoge, if this is guilt, you don't need… I don't need—"
At that, Xiaoge's chest slowly rose and fell in a far deeper breath than Wu Xie had ever felt him take. If he didn't know better, he'd say it was a sigh.
"Wu Xie, you are overthinking."
OK, maybe that was definitely a sigh.
Wu Xie sat with that for long enough to let it sink in. Finally he dared ask, "If it isn't guilt, then what is it?"
Xiaoge didn't answer that question in words. He answered it by tilting Wu Xie's head up just far enough to place a soft kiss on his brow.
Wu Xie froze.
What did that mean?
His body flushed hot, then far too cold, setting him shaking again. He'd loved Xiaoge for so long, it was like a basic fact of the universe. The Earth revolved around the Sun, the Moon revolved around the Earth, gravity kept it all together instead of flying apart, and Wu Xie loved Xiaoge so much that ending a centuries old blood feud and wiping a family as old as the Zhangs off the face of the Earth was barely a testimony to how much.
And Xiaoge… he'd never said the words, but he'd given up ten years of his life with no complaint, in a desperate bid to preserve Wu Xie's innocence. If that wasn't love, then what was?
But what did that mean? They'd never spoken it out loud.
…technically they still hadn't, but that was beside the point.
Wu Xie couldn't… he couldn't—
Even before Warehouse 11, he'd never wanted… and now?
What a time to hint at this kind of revelation!
Xiaoge's arms were tightening around him again, and the pressure went straight to Wu Xie's hindbrain and calmed his breathing just as he began to breathe faster once more. Xiaoge said, "I don't want anything more than you wish to give."
Wu Xie forced his voice into some semblance of steadiness before replying. "So this… right now… this is enough?"
"This is everything."
"…ok."
"OK?"
Wu Xie lifted his face once more, the smallest of smiles lifting the corner of his lips in a barely there smile. "This is what I want. Just you. Just this. ...just everything. Yes?"
Xiaoge's eyes lit with that softly fond smile that had only ever been for Wu Xie as he leaned in to press their foreheads together. "Yes."
And that was more than enough to be getting on with.