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Ace Trappola was a lonely guy. Sure he had a large group of pals, two loving parents and a big brother; but none of that mattered. Not when nobody ever cared for him or tried to look past the walls he put up. Nobody ever actually tried to understand him.
Ace Trappola was a lonely guy, and he loved his mask. That act he put up around everyone else, the insufferable, mischievous Ace that everybody at school knew; he loved it, because it worked well, so well that nobody ever noticed how he was hurting. They just saw an annoying brat and decided not look further.
But Ace hated his mask. He hated it because it worked too well. He hated it the most during the night, when he would lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours, wondering why he was like this.
During those nights he was reminded of how alone he was, of how there was nobody to rely on, nobody who would care if he-
…if he?
if he did what?
Just as I was about to take my shoes off
On the rooftop there I see
One morning Ace was walking along the corridors of Night Raven College, having finished all his lessons for the day. He was spacing out, pondering about what happened during his last class, history of magic.
He noticed how none of his friends talked to him unless he did first; he tried to chalk it up as a one time thing.
Maybe they noticed how tired he was from all those sleepless nights, or maybe they were just too focused on the topic discussed or maybe they dont care about you at all, maybe they don't want you around but you keep bothering them-.
Ace shook his head, trying to rid himself of those thoughts. When he finally looked at his surroundings he noticed he had reached the west wing’s rooftop.
“Huh, how did I get here? I don't remember heading to the roof.”
Seeing he was already here he decided to take a break there. Maybe he could clear his thoughts.
A girl with braided hair before me
Despite myself I go and scream
“Hey, don’t do it, please”
As he got closer to the edge of the rooftop he was suddenly brought back to last summer:
Middle school just ended and he'd unofficially broken up with his girlfriend.
Don’t get him wrong, she was really nice and fun to be around, he genuinely enjoyed their hangouts, but despite his best efforts he couldn’t love her like he was meant to.
Deep down he knew that there was something wrong with him: he never had a crush growing up and he didn’t feel anything but mild disgust when reading magazines with women in bikinis (something he tried in order to prove that he was normal like all of his ‘friends’). He didn’t know exactly what was wrong but he knew that he needed to fix it as soon as possible.
So he tried dating; even though he didn’t feel anything but simple affection for her. Still, he took her out on dates, bought her gifts and they talked about anything and everything. She was actually very fun to be around.
The one thing they never did was kiss. She asked, pushed of course, but Ace just couldn’t bring himself to do it.
In the end he realized that he couldn’t fix what was wrong with him and he couldn’t love her the way she wanted him to. He completely ignored her during break and simply told himself that she was too boring.
Wait a minute, what did I just say?
I couldn’t care less either way
back then he acted like it didn’t matter, like none of it did. But he’s just a liar, he always was and always will be.
To be honest I was somewhat pissed
This was an opportunity missed
The girl with braided hair told me her woes
Ace, reminiscing his past thought of what he once said to himself back then; just a possibility, nothing serious:
“You’ve probably heard it all before
I really thought that she he might be the one
but then he told he was done
“Maybe I can try something else to fix it.”
‘What can I do huh?’ He started wondering. He immediately realized what he was doing and stopped himself ‘no, nothing's wrong, nothing needs fixing. Stop it Ace.’ He reprimanded himself.
For God’s sake, please
Are you serious? I just can’t believe
Ace got even angrier at himself.
“It’s not even my fault that it ended! She might have been nice, but she was too uninteresting for me!” He kept talking, making up excuses and reasons.
That for some stupid reason you got here before me
Are you upset ‘cause you can’t have what you’ve wanted
You’re lucky that you’ve never gotten robbed of anything
After his outburst, he quietly sat down with his back to the railing. After a while he got fed up and decided to head to Heartslabyul. On the way he grumbled, annoyed:
“I better finish my homework before Riddle decides to chop my head off again.”
I’m feeling better thank you for listening
The girl with braided hair then disappeared
“Alright, today’s the day,” or so I though
Just as I took both my shoes off
Once again Ace found himself walking around the school; he wasn’t that surprised when he ended up on the rooftop.
Nothing even happened today. He was just tired and wanted some space from other’s stares. Why couldn’t they leave him alone, it’s not like they care or anything so why look at him with those stupid disappointed glares.
“I dont care about what they think, everyone can go fuck themselves for all I care. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone, especially someone who only expects nothing but failures from me so did everyone you’ve ever know, you know they’re right boy. it’s just like they said years ago: you’re worthless.
“STOP! It’s not true! They’re just idiots, they have to be”
Despite his words Ace couldn’t stop himself from thinking about them.
There was a girl short as can be
Despite myself I go and scream
Ace had just started middle school. At first he was happy for the fresh start and wished to leave the last few years of elementary behind; he quickly took those stupid words back.
How could he, Ace Trappola, ever be truly happy?
A few days in and he had already accepted that most of his classmates were assholes. They constantly annoyed the teachers (he did too but at least tried to be less bitchy) and liked to pick on their peers for no reason at all. He didn’t care the slightest about those poor kids, he simply wanted 3 peaceful years here and then figure out what he’d do after.
Obviously that didn’t last long
The petite girl told me her woes
You’ve probably heard it all before
Everyone ignores me, everyone steals
Two of these assholes decided that everyone else was too boring and he’d be a way more interesting target ‘of fucking course’. They often sought him before class to shove him against his locker and take his lunch money, then, when they got too bored, they followed him after school and called him names.
Ace considered reacting, maybe with his fists or by talking to an adult, but deemed it either too bothersome or useless (his parents never cared so why would a teacher or other staff). Since he ignored all their taunts, the boys got worse, meaner.
They started beating him up every other day and their comments got more cutting: “useless:” “ Stupid.” “Faggot.” “Worthless.”
Ace tried to fight back, but it was too late. They just kept going and after a while he began believing those words: if what they said was true it’d explain why he was so wrong, so unlovable why his parents couldn’t love him.
I don’t fit it with anyone here
For God’s sake, please
Are you serious? I just can't believe
That for some stupid reason you got here before me
Jackson. He still had his brother, his big brother, right?
He knew he could trust his big brother with his life, but they aren’t as close as before; all thanks to his parents and their age difference. It’s been years since he last hung out in his brother’s room and talked about anything that came to mind, from dreams and hopes of a kinder future to his fears and small, mundane things too.
‘Cause even so you’re still loved by everyone at home
There’s dinner waiting at the table, you know!
“Who am I kidding? I shouldn't trouble him with something so stupid, if it really bothered me that much I should handle it myself, like I always do. It’s not like they're wrong anyway so why fight back?” He reprimanded himself, teary-eyed.
So he endured another hellish school without complain, but wished every day for a way to end it
I’m hungry said the girl as she shed a tear
The girl short as can be the disappeared
Ace left the roof in silence
And like that, there was someone every day
I listened to their tale, I made them turn away
After that Ace went to the rooftop almost everyday, each time he ‘saw’ a different part of himself. Somehow they kept gradually going further and further into his past
And yet there was no one who would this for me
No way I could let out all this pain
Each time left him a little more shook, and it visibly showed. He had deep eye-bags and his hair was even more unkept than usual; he looked so bad that both his friends and his housewarden noticed.
His little group kept throwing him worried glances when they thought he wasn’t looking and Deuce even tried to corner him once and tried to understand what was up with his roommate, but Ace, being the cunning liar he is, managed to evade the other’s questioning. Riddle was more subtle with his worry, but Ace still noticed; he acted slightly nicer towards the younger boy and even offered him some chamomile tea once, but he refused it, not wanting any pity.
For the very first time, there I see
Someone with the same pains as me
Time passed quickly before Ace found himself on the rooftop again.
The end of the school year was getting closer. This time he walked slowly and calmly sat down, he knew what was coming and didn’t like it at all.
As routine he was brought back to the past, to one of his first memories to be precise:
Having done this time and time again
She wore a yellow cardigan
Today Ace turned five and he was so excited. He was a big boy now and he was sure that now he would be able to play games all night like his brother and finally be taken seriously by adults.
He was basically buzzing with anticipation for dinner with his parents, his brother could barely stop him from bouncing on the walls. ‘I wonder if they bought me cake. I hope it’s cherry flavoured!’
His mom and dad finally came home from work and Ace all but ran to the door to greet them
“Hi mommy, hi daddy! How were your days? Did that annoying colleague bother you again mommy? Did you get any cake? please tell me it has cherries!”
“Shut up! Both me and your mom are very tired from work and want to rest. We will have a simple dinner and go to bed. Why would I even buy a cake for a kid as disrespectful as you?” Scolded his father sternly.
His mom instead looked at his big bro and told him “Jackson, you were supposed to keep him in check, you know how exhausting our jobs are. I guess I can’t even give you a simple task, I hoped you would be more reliable” “I’m sorry mother I’ll work harder next time” the other boy quietly apologized as his mother chewed him out.
“I just wanna stop the scars that grow
every time that I come home
That night he sat on his brother’s bed, silent tears falling down from his face onto the other’s shoulder (he had long since learned better than to make any noise).
“Why can’t they love me? What did I do wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Acey, they just don't want to understand your worth. You’re so smart, kind and a buzzball of energy. The best little brother I could ask for. If they don’t see what i see then it’s their loss.
Remember it Ace, even when your grown: it isn’t your fault”
“Are you sure?” “Super sure, big brother is never wrong!”
Ace softly laughed at that already moving on, he had the attention span of a 5-year-old after all. “Thank you big bro.”
That's why I came up here instead”
That's what the girl in the cardigan said
Woah, wait a minute, what did I just say?
‘I think you might be wrong this time, brother.’ He thought bitterly, even closer to tears. That was one of his oldest and worst memories, because he started realizing just how little his parents cared about him.
But none of that mattered now,because Ace finally realized something. If his life was so miserable and he could never bring happiness to anyone he ever loved, the perhaps it’s be better if he wasn’t there at all.
I couldn’t care less either way
But in the moment I just screamed
Something that I did not believe
“No, I can’t. I can’t leave everything behind.” But the idea lingered.
“Hey, don’t do it, please”
Ah, what to do?
I can’t stop this girl, oh, this is new
As he reached his dorm he felt like he was floating, he knew that some of his friends tried to talk to him, but he couldn’t register their voices. So he kept going until he found himself standing in front of his best friend could he even call themselves that, all he’s done to the other was hurt and ridicule him.
“Ace. Wait, please.” The Spade’s voice greeted him.
“Sorry Deuce, I’m kinda busy! I need to finish the work for crewel’s class, see ya later!” And with that the Heart made his escape.
Deuce was left standing alone at his dorm's entrance, feeling confused and worried ‘Deuce, he called me Deuce..’
For once I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew
But even so please just go away so I can’t see
Your pitiful expression is just too much for me
As Ace entered the building, he tried to make a beeline to his room but was quickly stopped by his housewarden.
“Ah, Rid- I mean, house warden Riddle! Howya doing, I was just about to head to my room. I’m glad you’re doing well too, well if that’s it then I will get going. Bye!" Ace animatedly exclaimed while starting to make his way towards the stairs.
“Ace, wait!” The ginger in question stopped dead in tracks, afraid of having angered his dormhead ‘please not now, I can’t deal with another one of his tantrums.’ “Would you like to join me for tea? please.”
Ace stared at him then quietly said: “sorry housewarden, I really have to go” and left.
“I guess today is just not my day”
She looked away from me and then she disappeared
There’s no one here today, I guess it’s time
It’s just me, myself, and I
The following morning Ace made his way to the roof, again. He had skipped class and was sure that nobody else would be here.
Once he got there he slowly started walking towards the railing. If someone else him they would have said that he looked like a ghost of himself: his bubbly, annoying persona was gone and all that was left was a lonely boy.
A very lonely boy
There’s no one who can interfere
No one to get in my way here
Ace Trappola was a lonely boy. He’s always been one and now, he will die one. There’s nothing nobody can do about it, not that they’d actually give a damn about him.
Taking off my yellow cardigan
He thought of his parents, of how they never cared. He wondered if they’d be sad at the news, but he quickly shooed the thought away. He doesn’t give a fuck about them anymore “still a childish stupid part of him hoped they would, that deep down they still cared.
Then he thought of his brother and started tearing up. “I’m sorry Jack, I’m really fucking sorry.”
Watching my braids all come undone
He thought of his ex-girlfriend, of how he could never fix what was wrong. He would die that way.
Then he thought of his best friend, his Juice, of how much they went through together. And now he would leave him alone to deal with all the bullshit that happened that year. “I’m so sorry Deuce, please forgive me.”
This petite girl, short as can be
He remembered those guys, the ones that made his life hell for 3 years, and realized that maybe they actually weren’t wrong.
“It’s the only way. If I do it, it’ll be better for everyone. I could finally rid the world of my wrongness and everyone will be happier. Me too.” By this point, tears were freely falling from his face onto the ground, but Ace couldn’t bring himself to care.
Is gonna jump now and be free
With that, he made his choice. He got on the other side of the railing and stared at the ground below. Finally, he thought of freedom, of escaping this miserable life. He got ready and took that final step.
At the same time he heard a voice behind him.
“Ace..?”
He tried to turn around. To see who it was, to apologize, to scream and shout at them. To do something. But it was too late for anything.
“ACE”