Chapter Text
His breathing was heavy, erratic; the white light was blinding. When he opened his eyes, his arms were empty. She was gone.
He was alone.
Once more, alone. Again.
Tears dripped down his face slowly as he tried to catch his breath. He opened his hands, before clenching them, as though to reach out for her, and double check that she had actually disappeared. But it was true. She was gone.
“Stay with me.”
He’d wanted to. Truly, he had. But, she was gone. It was too late.
Jax didn’t want to accept it. As frustrated, and downright stunned, that he’d been discovering his abstracted mind had been seemingly hijacked by a stubborn jester who wasn’t prepared to let go just yet, that didn’t mean he was ready for her to leave. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t cling on to some hope that maybe she was still there.
Maybe they could talk more. Maybe things would be okay. Maybe they could undo all this. Maybe he’d get a second chance.
“Pomni?” He called out, his voice thick with emotion. “Pomni…” Jax fell to his knees with a thud, a loud sob escaping his lips.
She was gone. He was alone. Alone in this vast nothingness.
“I don’t wanna go! I don’t wanna be here - I, I - fuck!” He whimpered through his sobs, hearing his own strangled voice echo around him. “Why did she have to - I hate her! I hate her for doing this to me -” He curled his long legs to his chest, wrapping his arms around his shins and sobbing into his knees. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did this to - to me.”
Finally, he’d opened up. Finally, he’d let all those impenetrable walls down, letting the screaming, screeching beast of the truth out to ravage and destroy. Except, Pomni hadn’t been afflicted by the truth. If she had, she’d done a pretty good job of hiding it. The first thing she’d said upon seeing him, the real him, had been: ‘I didn’t know you could play the piano.’
What kind of person sees the worst of you, every dark, festering crevice, and says that? Brings up a talent of yours, if you could even call two songs that, rather than the inexorable truth. How had she not been disgusted by what she’d seen, by what she now knew?
Instead, she hugged him. Instead, she was there for him. No malice. No berating. No mocking. No judgement.
And all he’d done, all this time, was push her away. Even in the moment he told her he hated her, which he hadn’t meant… He didn’t hate her.
Regret rolled over him like a slow, steady tide. How different would things have been if he’d just opened up to her before? If he'd opened his mouth when he’d approached her, told her he was struggling, told her he’d needed help. Deep down, he knew she’d be accepting of him. Warm, caring - but it didn’t matter that he knew that.
Because he didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Not in his head. He deserved to abstract, alone and miserable, in his room.
And she’d be just fine without him. They all would.
He sobbed once more, curling his thighs to his chest and clinging to them tightly, burying his head in his knees.
How long he sat like that, alone, the dim glow of the lamp being the only light source around, he didn’t know. But he stayed there like that until the tears ceased, and he was instead left with a hollow, numb feeling in his chest. The weight of everything that had unfolded was heavy. He was all cried out right now, just frozen with the haunting realisation of his new reality. With shuddering breaths, he got to his feet, and wiped at his eyes hastily.
Was this it? Was this what abstraction was like? Was he stuck here, trapped in some kind of mindscape of his own creation?
Clutching at his upper arm, he decided to wander. It was something he did a lot in the circus; wandering around to see what he could find. He almost always found something entertaining.
Right now he just wanted to find… something. Because if this was really all there was to abstracting, he’d go more insane here then he did in the circus…
Here he had literally nothing but his thoughts. And his thoughts, they were never good ones…
As if on cue, a door appeared in the distance. A red door; EXIT written, emboldened across it. The one everyone saw. The one people obsessed over in the circus.
Jax sighed as he eyed it. It felt like a hoax. Almost too good to be true. It wasn’t going to be real, it wasn’t going to be an exit. But it was this, or standing alone by the lamppost. So he slowly walked towards it.
It wasn’t locked, and opened when he tugged at the handle. When he stepped through it, the endless black ground disappeared in quite a trippy manner; a force pushed him forward and he almost felt as though he was going to fall flat on his face.
The invisible push got him through the door; suddenly he could feel grass beneath his purple feet. He looked down at it, wiggling his bunny toes between the blades.
The purple rabbit gazed upwards, his yellow eyes meeting a vast, bright blue sky. There wasn’t a cloud in sight; it was warm, but not stifling. Inviting, even.
The door behind him had promptly disappeared. So he had no choice now but to explore this newfound area.
Sussing out the place that stood before him, he quickly realised he wasn’t alone. He could see multiple people, or more, cartoonish characters like himself, dotted about the wide open space; some closer, some further in the distance.
He did a mental headcount: he could see twelve figures. Twelve people, who had suffered a similar fate to him.
In the distance, there was a line of what looked like small, wooden buildings, but other than that, it was just a boundless meadow, some shapes in the distance resembling structures and buildings.
Jax made his feet move. He felt eyes on him as he trudged across the field. He ignored them all, a frown etched onto his face, brow knit. Where he was going, he didn’t know.
The closest people he walked past were a pale, sandy coloured dog looking cartoon, and a chess piece that looked pretty familiar. So familiar, he faltered a little, his yellow eyes locking with her warm brown ones. He assumed she was a ‘her’, anyway - she looked like a queen.
Queenie.
This was Kinger’s wife. She flashed him an empathetic look, waving her unattached hand at him carefully. The dog beside her nodded at him. Jax only blinked at them, before continuing his forward stride, hoping a confident walk might mean no one approached him. He didn’t want to talk to anyone.
He figured he’d go find a tree to loiter by alone, to try and get his thoughts in order a bit. Really, he just felt like screaming, punching, throwing things. Should he have stayed where he was before? Would Pomni come back? Would she come back and he was gone? Did he even want her to come back? How had she even arrived there with him? His head was a mess of erratic thoughts.
Scratch and Queenie knew not to pester the new arrival just yet. You had to be in a pretty dire headspace to abstract. Newbies always needed some time to adjust before introductions could be made.
Jax kept walking. He’d spotted a tree he was aiming for - that was until he realised two people sat beneath it. Two people he knew.
Kaufmo and Ribbit were sitting together, drinking hot chocolates. They both froze as they saw him.
He froze too.
But to his surprise, they both smiled at him. Despite himself, he smiled too.
Then he remembered.
Remembered every moment, leading up to their abstractions. Every mean, nasty, and just plain abusive thing he’d done to them both in order to keep them at arms length. In order to keep them away and prohibit them from getting close to him in any way, to stop Ribbit from spilling his oversharing to anyone else.
And this had led them both here.
How the hell could they both be smiling at him? As if they were happy to see him. He frowned, deeply, and turned away. This field was big - he could find a different tree to wallow by.
“Jax - wait!” Ribbit called. Jax faltered, before continuing.
“Hey - where’re you going?” Kaufmo spoke now. “Dude! Come on!”
He heard their footsteps approaching him. “Jax. Hey… Come on, come and sit with us - it’s okay -”
“No it’s not.” Jax spoke firmly, pausing his gait to address them both, his back to them. “No, it’s not okay.”
“Listen, we know it’s rough -” Kaufmo began to try and console his friend, but Jax cut him off.
“I don’t mean the abstracting - you can’t just, just smile at me, and welcome me over with open arms like I’m your, your friend?!” His eyes were frantic as he turned and looked at them both. They both looked hurt; surprised.
“You are our friend.” Ribbit told him gently.
“I don’t deserve friends like you guys. Not after… Not after what I did.” His voice cracked on the last few words.
Ribbit frowned, filling the gap between them and grabbing him for a hug. They were relieved when he didn’t pull away, or push her off of him.
“Jax, it’s okay.”
“No it’s not!” He was stiff in her hold but she didn’t let go. “Stop saying it’s okay - it’s not okay!”
“We don’t have to talk about any of that right now. Okay? This is fresh - it’s brand new for you. Your current headspace is - messy. We’ve both been there.” She held him at arms length, her expression soft. “You’re right - it’s not okay. But right now, it’s not important. Okay?”
Jax stared at her in mild disbelief.
They repeated themselves. “Right now it doesn’t matter. We can unpack everything else later. Okay?”
He nodded loosely. “Okay. Okay.”
“So uhh, I know the digital hot chocolate was pretty decent at Cafe du Cirque, but we’ve pretty much gotten it down to an art form here in Digital Limbo.” Kaufmo muttered, indicating the cups they’d been nursing before spotting him.
“Digital Limbo?” Jax asked.
“Uhh yeah - that’s kind of what we call it here. Rightly or wrongly… Actually, we personally like to call it ‘The Amazing Digital Underworld’ when we’re feeling particularly morbid.” Ribbit explained; Kaufmo sniggered at her. “Come sit with us. Hot chocolate makes everything less shitty. Oh oh! Absolutely loving being able to swear again, by the way!” She exclaimed, leading him towards the tree they were sitting beneath. “Very new but appreciated update. BIG thanks to whoever managed to stop Caine’s censoring. When I got here the first thing I said was ‘where the fuck am I?’ And I couldn’t believe he could censor us here, too.”
“Yeah she’s been at it like a sailor since it stopped working.” Kaufmo commented.
Jax found it hard not to smile at his former friends. “I can’t say it was at the forefront of my mind but - it’s cos Kinger deleted Caine.”
“Kinger deleted Caine?!” Ribbit cried.
“What a fucking hero.” Kaufmo approved, pouring Jax a drink and passing the mug to him.
“Really didn’t feel like that…” Jax mumbled, wondering how the hell the ones he left behind were coping in that digital wasteland, without a Ringmaster…
“Clearly we have a lot to catch up on.” Ribbit said, lifting her mug to her lips.
Jax sighed lightly. “I missed you guys.”
“Missed you too - eventually.” Kaufmo responded. Jax rolled his eyes, and Ribbit laughed.
“Kaufmo, you’ve gotten funnier all of a sudden.”
“Shut up, I’ve always been funny - I’m a fucking clown.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Ribbit murmured. Jax spluttered with laughter. “Ahh, I did it, I made him laugh for the first time here - in your face funny man! Still not funny.”
“Okay.” Ribbit said, placing her mug down on the checkered blanket they all sat on. “We’ve had our light and fluffy reintroduction. Now it’s time to get real. Jax.” His ears flattened as she turned to him, anger in her eyes. “What the actual fuck? How could you? How could you treat me like that? And then to send Kauffy here too!”
“Hey, it wasn’t all on him - I mean he definitely contributed -” Kaufmo vaguely inputted, but Ribbit held her hand up to him.
“Do you have anything to say to me? To Kaufmo? How could you treat your friends like that?”
Jax’s pupils shrunk small; he looked down into his lap, fiddling with his hands nervously. “Sorry doesn’t feel like enough.”
“It’s a goddamn start!” Ribbit snapped. “How could you think so little of me? How could you think that that’s how friendship works?”
Jax’s eyes had gone wide; his square black pupils flicking from Ribbit to Kaufmo fearfully. As terrible as he felt now as Ribbit sat before him, calling him out - he was gripped by a fear that she was going to spill his secret. To out him, right in front of Kaufmo - to do the one thing he’d feared she would do from the moment the words had escaped his lips in her room all that time ago.
And he was conflicted; because half of him felt like he had this coming - she deserved to share his secret in front of Kaufmo, to break his trust just like he had done to her when he’d purposefully isolated her to the point of abstraction.
But the other half of him was devastated; it would be the one time he didn’t want to be right about something.
She wouldn’t do that to him, surely?
She probably thought I wouldn’t do what I did to her. You deserve this. You deserve to be humiliated and dehumanised, just like you did to them. She’s probably already told Kaufmo. He probably thinks you're pathetic. Weak. They both do. You brought this on yourself.
He blinked hard, his bottom lip wobbling perilously. It took all his strength to stop it, to push back the forming lump in his throat.
“I’m gunna give you guys some time.” Kaufmo murmured, getting to his feet. “We have air to clear for sure dude - but, both of us firing away at once isn’t gunna get us anywhere. Ribs, I’ll be at my place. Feel free to swing by later if you need to… Jax.. It’s uhh, it’s good to see you. We’ll talk later.”
Ribbit didn’t respond, her steely gaze was still trained on the purple rabbit sitting to her right.
Jax watched the clown walk away, eventually peeling his eyes back to Ribbit, swallowing hard. “Ribbit… I’m so sorry.” His voice was weak; sincere.
The most sincere they thought they’d ever heard him be. But it didn’t make everything a-okay. “I trusted you, Jax. Deeply. You were a huge support to me here. I was there for you, I supported you - I, I, I said and did nothing to indicate I was going to ‘hold something over you’, or whatever the hell it was that you thought I was up to. I was just trying to be your friend - I thought we were great friends!”
“We were.” Jax mumbled. “We were. I just, I got scared. I’d only ever told one other person… that. And the first time around didn’t go too well. In fact, it went horrendously. I didn’t plan to ever tell anyone else. I just couldn’t, I didn’t - I couldn’t fathom that there wasn’t an ulterior motive. No one’s ever supported me like that… So I lashed out. I lash out at anyone who tries to care about me.”
“I did care about you Jax! I told you things about myself - I told you about my parents, my upbringing, about my own struggles with identity, too. And yet you still believed I was manipulating you?” Ribbit cried, exasperation thick in her voice.
“No, I didn’t - I never thought that, not really. I just needed you to think that, I just needed to push you away. I hurt everyone who cares about me, whether I mean to or not. You just, you got too close. So I ran. I run from everything. Things got too real. I’ve survived here focussing on this all not being real. I didn’t know how to handle it. But, I know I handled it wrong.”
Ribbit inhaled slowly and raggedly, then sighed. “Well, good. You handled it terribly. I felt so fucking alone, Jax! There is no way you can survive in this place without friends. I was your friend! I was never going to use what you told me against you -”
“I know. I know. Look, you don’t have to forgive me -”
“I know I don’t.”
“Right, what I did will never be okay. But, but - I need you to know that it wrecked me. I was a wreck. The guilt has, has eaten me alive ever since. And I know you didn’t deserve that. Neither did Kaufmo. Neither did Ragatha. And neither did Pomni.” His voice was wobbly as he spoke.
“Who’s Pomni?”
He shook his head lightly, as images of the little jester, the one he’d held in his arms just hours ago, swirled around in his head. “Just another person who tried to help me, so I did them dirty. It doesn’t matter right now… What matters to me now is that you’re okay. Are you… okay?”
They folded their arms across their chest. “I am now, yes. I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s not sunshine and rainbows here - sometimes it’s downright depressing. But it’s peaceful, and quiet, and allows for plenty of breathing space - unlike the circus. When I first got here, I was not okay. But Queenie and Scratch looked after me… Rattie and Spike are lovely, too. And then Kauffy got here and I felt a little less lonely. It started to feel more like home. It’s not as bad as abstracting seemed in the circus. But, it’s not the end of days. There really is no escape from this place.”
“That’s clear enough…” Jax muttered, looking up at the tree they sat beneath. “It’s kind of a poetic punishment, for me at least.”
“How so?”
“Well, I spent so much time building up walls, keeping people at a good arms length, doing everything I could to burn down any bridges anyone tried to build that I possibly could - even making sure I bowed out of that place on my own terms. Only to end up somewhere else - the same ‘somewhere else’ that you’re at.” He hugged at his knees, resting his chin on top of them. “But I deserve to face the music. I brought all of this on myself.”
Jax buried his head in his knees now, his ears flopping down by his legs. “It’s so stupid, but in my head, if I stayed cold, no one would get close enough for me to hurt them. No one would end up like my Mom did… I was a scared stupid kid when I got here. And in some ways I still am. I was just trying to keep myself safe, and not turn into the monster I was in the real world.” He looked up, turning over his hand in front of himself, staring at it like it was a weapon.
Ribbit gazed at him for a moment, before glancing up at the fading blue sky above them. “You were just a kid. I was too. But you’re not a monster. And there’s nowhere to run here. No other place to hide from the things you’ve done. You have to face it. And that goes for all of us. So maybe you’re right, maybe it is a poetic punishment.”
“I shouldn’t have let you get tangled up in my mess. I shouldn’t have brought you down with me. You didn’t deserve that. You were really good to me, Ribs.” His voice cracked once more.
“I know.” Her smile was soft. “But I probably latched onto you a little too much.. I, I liked you.” A soft hue of red flashed across her cheeks, Jax looked down into his lap, looking guiltier. “I probably got a little unhealthily attached. I should have handled things differently…”
“There’s no universe where this is your fault in any way -” Jax muttered, his black irises shrunken as he looked at her; the idea she could even conjure a way that it was her fault seemed bonkers to him. “This was all me -”
“Look, I know - I’m not saying your actions were my fault. I just mean - I could have leaned on others. Ragatha was always so kind and, and prepared to support and look out for anyone… We were close before you arrived.. I could have gone to her. And it wasn’t like she didn’t try. I could have even tried Kinger, if he was feeling somewhat lucid. But I didn’t… I wallowed in the fact you didn’t want me. I shouldn’t have done that. That was silly of me…”
“Ribbit, it wasn’t that -”
“Jax… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you.” Ribbit told him candidly. Jax’s eyes grew big, his mouth becoming invisible as he looked at her. “Things will never be like they were. But, I’ve done a lot of thinking about things while I’ve been here. Had a lot of time to mull things over… I don’t think I can forgive, but I think I’m willing to forget…”
“I don’t think that’s how the saying goes.” Jax said, his voice quiet, contrite.
Ribbit chuckled lightly. Jax’s eyes widened; he wasn’t expecting to see her smile during this conversation, let alone laugh. “No, it’s not. It’s probably not as healthy as the actual saying. And who knows, maybe in time I can forgive and forget. But this is where I’m at right now.”
“Okay.”
She inhaled deeply, nodding. “So… How the hell did you end up here?”
Jax sighed, hugging his knees against his chest tighter. Ribbit frowned at him, gently placing her hand on his upper arm. He flinched a little at the touch. “If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to… I don’t think I spoke much at all the first couple of days I was here. So, I get it…”
“I guess the simplest way to explain it all is… The cycle continued, and, and it all got too real. I couldn’t handle all of my mistakes any longer. I couldn’t face it. The circus was changing. Reality was changing. I couldn’t deal with it. It probably would have been easier to deal with if I’d just let her in… Let her help me. I’d still be there if I did… But I didn’t. And now it’s too late.” His voice cracked, and he buried his head against his knees once more, sniffling into them.
“Are you going to tell me who ‘her’ is…?” Ribbit asked gently.
‘You should have just talked to me, man.’
Jax squeezed his eyes shut tightly, his face pressing against the material of his overalls. He didn’t want to think about her, let alone talk about her; it made his chest hurt, right where his digital heart thumped. But he could still see her face when he closed his eyes. Her big, pinwheel eyes gazing up at him; zero judgement - an open kindness and acceptance that he’d seldom faced in the real world.
‘Then talk to me now…’
He swallowed, but the lump in his throat didn’t budge. “Pomni.”
“Ahh. A new girl?” Ribbit asked, trying to keep their voice neutral. They couldn’t pretend it didn’t hurt to see someone they’d pined after for so long this upset over someone else. But Ribbit knew that wasn’t a healthy way of seeing all of this. For one, they didn’t know the full story at all. And secondly, Jax was not someone to seek out in that way - not right now, possibly not ever.
They’d learnt their lesson.
Jax nodded, sniffling.
“Kaufmo said he saw a newbie. Soo let me guess, you guys got close, until you pushed her away, built up a wall around yourself and refused to let her anywhere near it?” She asked.
Jax nodded once more, wiping at his eyes and lifting his head. “There was just something… Different with her. She saw through it. It was like she didn’t believe me when I hurled abuse at her to stop her from getting too close. She saw the wall, and the spikes at the top, and, and all the DO NOT ENTER signs but ignored them all and just started climbing over it anyway. The fact she was getting her hands sliced open in the process didn't mean squat!”
His yellow eyes were wide as he spoke, his voice a soft whimper. “But I still did everything I could to hurt her. And she made it so hard! She made it so hard to keep her away. She’s so stubborn, she wouldn’t even let me abstract in peace.”
Ribbit looked confused. “What do you mean?”
“She tried to bring me back. At least, I think that’s what she was trying to do.”
The frog crinkled her brow. “I don’t get it. What do you mean she tried to bring you back?”
“It wasn’t supposed to go like this. She wasn’t supposed to want to be around me. She wasn’t supposed to miss me, to love me - none of you were. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve any of you. I’m so sorry.” He sobbed, burrowing his head against his knees once more and crying.
Ribbit sighed softly, reaching out gingerly to stroke his back. He froze for a second at the contact, but didn’t push them away. “I tell you what - let’s go to Kaufmo’s place. Let’s, let’s go to Kaufmo’s, and have some beers and just, take five. You mentioned Caine being deleted, and changes in the circus - maybe we could talk about that for a bit? Saves you saying it all twice. How does that sound?”
He took a moment to respond, steadying his breathing and trying to remain in control.
You don’t deserve to go hang out with Kaufmo and Ribbit. You don’t deserve ANY company here. How dare you think you can just waltz back into their lives and hang like nothing happened? You should be in the cellar, alone. You deserve their hate, you deserve NOTHING.
Jax’s eyes widened as he froze, the voice in his head taunting him.
They were better off before you got here. And Pomni’s better off without you now in the circus, too. You don’t belong ANYWHERE.
“Jax?”
He blinked, glancing at her. Her expression was warm, concerned. He didn’t deserve it. “I should go.”
“Go? Where? Jax, I don’t know if Scratch has even conjured your cabin yet -”
“I don’t deserve to come to Kaufmo’s and, and hang out with you guys -” He began to burble, until they interrupted him.
“Jax - stop it.”
He blinked at her, turning his gaze onto her slowly. “I mean it, that’s enough of all that. A pity party will do you no good here - or anywhere - believe me. Now come with me to Kaufmo’s cabin and let's drink some beers, talk shit about Caine and forget our problems for a bit, okay?”
Jax swallowed, but nodded. “Okay.”
“So Scratch conjured you this place?” Jax asked, looking around at what appeared to be Kaufmo’s Digital Limbo digs. It was decorated in a kind of sloppy, single male way, but everything was in Kaufmo’s colour scheme, he noted.
“Yeah, that’s right.” Kaufmo said, flopping down on his bright yellow sofa. “Him, Queenie and some of the other OG’s here are like, tip top at conjuring. Ribbit’s pretty good nowadays, although she’s been here longer than me. Only setback is that everything ends up being in your ‘colour scheme’. So prepare to have a purple, pink and yellow cabin.”
“Right. Great.” Jax murmured, sitting on the sofa beside the clown.
“Apparently according to Scratch we could do it all along in the circus, too. We all just never knew. Mad, huh?” Ribbit added, padding across Kaufmo’s living area and peering out of the window.
“Yeah.. We kinda just discovered that.. I’ve never tried it. But it might explain why I was always able to find keys when I wanted or needed them..”
The clown chuckled. “Yeah, probably.”
Ribbit pointed out the front window. “Hey, your cabins up. Right next to mine. Howdy neighbour!”
Jax joined her side, glancing at it. “That’s for me?”
“Yup. We can head over in a bit if you want, help you conjure up some stuff, make it feel like home. Scratch will have given you some basic stuff, but it’s yours to do what you want with.”
“So is this all there is to this place? Cabins and a field?” Jax questioned, sitting back down as Kaufmo conjured some beers.
“There’s a river, a small lake.. The ones who have been here longer have conjured some communal areas we share.. A coffee shop, a bar.. We can submit a request to make somewhere new, if everyone votes yes to it.” Ribbit explained, reaching forward and grabbing a beer.
“Votes? You hold votes?” Jax asked, the notion of democracy throwing him after his days mostly being dictated by a toothy Ringleader for years.
“Scratch holds a weekly meeting. We talk about the community and discuss any changes - he updates us on the AI improvements and graphic upgrades he’s working on. Things have gotten a lot more realistic here since he started working on it all. I don’t know the technical jargon for it all, but he’s a really clever dude. I’m sure he’ll introduce himself soon.”
“Right…” Jax nodded, knotting his hands together on his lap.
Ribbit stared at him for a moment, before glancing at Kaufmo. She reached forward and picked up a bottle of beer, tapping his hand with it. He looked up. “Look, it’s a lot when you first get here. But it’ll feel normal soon. Like home.”
Jax attempted a twisted smile, but it didn’t meet his eyes. He nodded, taking the bottle from her and cracking it open with a bottle opener.
“Do you guys know we’re all brain scans?” Jax asked, perching on the sofa beside Kaufmo.
“Yeah.” Kaufmo muttered. “Scratch told us. Like Ribs said, he’s like an expert coder or something. He figured it out tinkering on a desktop while he’s been stuck here…”
“I’ve known for a matter of hours.” Jax said, chugging back some of his drink. “I don’t think I’ve come to terms with it yet. I really didn’t think any of this was real.”
“I guess it depends how you look at it. Are we really here? Yeah, it feels like we are. Are we also really out there, living our lives and getting on with shit? Yeah, we are.” Kaufmo muttered, tossing his head back and finishing his beer, then letting out a loud belch. “‘Scuse me.”
“Kaufmo you disgusting animal.” Ribbit snapped. Jax sniggered at them both, as Kaufmo patted his stomach.
“Come on Ribs, I just chugged a beer, whadaya expect?”
“Maybe don’t chug ‘em back - we still feel the effects of alcohol here!” Ribbit snapped at him. “And your burps are still gross! See what I’ve been left dealing with?” She cocked a thumb at him, as Jax smirked at them both.
“She loves me really.” Kaufmo grinned, as Ribbit put her head in her hands.
“Hey - what’s the deal with our abstractions?” Jax queried, thinking about the huge beast he’d turned into in the circus, and how he could see through it at first. But now he’s here, in Limbo… Looking very much like a purple rabbit once more. How did it work? “I could see the circus - I mean, it was painful in the light, but I could still see everyone and everything. How come I can’t anymore?”
“You can see things through your abstraction whenever you want. You just have to close your eyes, and kind of meditate - just concentrate on it, and you’ll be able to see what it sees.” Ribbit loosely explained.
“I wouldn’t bother though. There’s nothing to see but darkness, and occasionally other blinking eyes. I’m sure Caine’s put you in the cellar by now - no offence. You won’t have much to look at.” Kaufmo said, his voice a low murmur as he opened his second bottle of beer.
“Oh. Right.” Jax mumbled, his chest going tight at the thought of Caine putting him down there with everyone else, the darkness swallowing him up, never to be seen again. It made him feel sick, it made regret swirl in his stomach.
“Sometimes you might hear them.” Ribbit mumbled, looking down at her beer bottle.
“What?”
“The others, in the circus. Sometimes, if they happen to be standing directly above where you are in the cellar, you can hear them. You’ll hear their voices, talking, in the back of your head. It’s the weirdest thing. But once you’re in the cellar, there’s nothing to see…” The frog explained dejectedly.
He might hear Pomni’s voice again? His chest grew tighter, the idea of hearing her but not being able to reach her, to see her, making a lump begin to form in his throat. After the moment they’d shared in his mind… It just felt like an extra layer of torture.
Then something occurred to him. “There is no Caine.”
“Oh shit, yeah… Maybe you’re still loose in the circus?” Kaufmo suggested. “Either way - theres not much use to viewing the circus. Not that I’ve ever known, anyway.”
Regardless, Jax wanted to try.
Ribbit and Kaufmo were still chatting, but Jax had stopped listening. Instead, he’d closed his eyes, attempting to see what his abstraction could see. Wherever he was, it was dark. But not pitch black, just dimly lit. It was nice, it didn’t hurt like the bright lights of the circus did.
He thought of Pomni, shooting out the lights in the hallway to make it dark. How had she known to do that?
He glanced around; he was sitting on a mountain of pillows, tons of them surrounding him. When he looked up, he could see what looked like a huge makeshift tent. He wasn’t in the cellar. He was somewhere else.
They were looking after him. He opened his eyes rapidly, his breath hitching. “Yo, you good?”
“I’m not in the cellar. I’m, I’m in some kind of tent. They’re, they’re looking after me or something - why would they do that?” Jax asked, anguished at the idea of them all taking care of his abstracted form, after everything he’d done.
Ribbit and Kaufmo looked alarmed as they stared at him. “Well, you said it yourself bud, there’s no Caine.. They probably can’t access the cellar… They have to do something with you, or you’ll go crazy and send them all here with you…”
Jax’s yellow eyes darted about as he contemplated this. That was true. It wasn’t an act of care. It was an act of necessity. They had to do something with him. He’d gone and abstracted after their AI Ringmaster had disappeared from the circus. What else were they supposed to do?
They didn’t care. He was just a problem they needed to solve, not someone they wanted to tend to.
That was what he deserved.
With a bitter expression, Jax downed the rest of his beer, unleashing a large burp, much to Ribbit’s repulsion. “Urgh, you two disgust me.”
“Pass me another.” Jax called.
“So,” Kaufmo said, shifting on the sofa so he was laying on his side and peering at the purple rabbit. Jax looked over at the clown. “Tell us about the little jester.”
Jax’s demeanor completely changed, and he reached for another bottle of beer, even though he really didn’t want another.
“Pomni?” He asked, his brow furrowed, as though he was trying to be angry about the topic rather than sad like he actually felt.
“Yeah - I didn’t see much of her, you know, having lost my mind and gone on a crazed rampage, but what I did see, she seemed pretty sweet. Cute little avatar, anyway. Was she a nice addition?”
Jax’s frown deepened. Ribbit noticed it. His foot began to thump on the ground, and his irritated expression was replaced with sadness, for the briefest of seconds, before displeasure returned. Kaufmo was slinging his bottle back, he’d not picked up on Jax’s discomfort at the mention of the latest circus cast member. But Ribbit had.
Continuing in being oblivious, Kaufmo continued to speak, no longer waiting for an answer from the bunny. “Typical; a fellow clown arrives just as I dipped. We could have bonded over our shared avatars, and formed a clown alley - that’s the collective term for a group of clowns, by the way.” He pointed to Ribbit. “Army.” Then he pointed to Jax. “Colony. That’s right, I’ve done my research.”
“How the fuck do you even know that?” Ribbit asked, not being able to hold back her smile.
The clown shrugged. “Got bored. Looked it up in the digital library years ago. Anyway, what was she like?” Kaufmo pressed. “Think she’s my type? Not that it matters, me being here and all. But a guy can pointlessly imagine, right?”
“No.” Jax snapped. “I don’t. She’s a jester anyway, not a clown. They aren’t the same thing.”
Kaufmo and Ribbit exchanged looks. “Someone’s tetchy about the jester…”
Jax folded his arms across his chest, his foot thumping increasing in speed. “It’s not that, it’s just - I dunno - I don’t know how to describe her. She’s just, Pomni. She’s cool, I guess?”
“You guess?” Ribbit queried, brow arched.
“Fine - she is cool. Okay? She’s cool. The only person I sometimes didn’t mind hanging around with in the circus, if I had to pick someone…”
“She sounds amazing.” Kaufmo muttered sarcastically. The purple rabbit rolled his eyes. “Hey,” The clown continued. “If she ends up being the next one to abstract - wanna hook a brother up?”
Jax’s expression was flat and thoroughly unimpressed at the idea. “No I do not.” He spat through grit teeth.
Ribbit spluttered with laughter. Jax tried to join in, but thinking of Pomni, of her big, pinwheel eyes peering up at him as a huge, ugly abstraction, it just made his chest hurt. “I’m not, I don’t think - I don’t wanna talk about Pomni right now. I’ll just get really bummed out.” He murmured, downcast.
“How come?” Ribbit asked, curbing her giggles as fast as she could, not wanting to upset him.
Jax flashed her a pointed look, a look that said ‘I don’t want to talk about this.’ Ribbit received the message, but she ignored it. He realised she wasn’t going to drop it, and sighed. “Because it all just sucked, okay?”
“Hey, how’s about we get some stronger stuff in?” Kaufmo proposed. “And by ‘get some stronger stuff in’, I mean why don’t I conjure us an ungodly amount of hard liquor, and let’s all get tanked?”
Jax sighed, but he couldn’t conceal his smirk, or the fact that forgetting about the events of the day sounded wonderful right now. “Sure.”
Forty minutes later, several bottles of beer had been consumed, as well as most of a bottle of whisky, which meant everyone was now well on their way to being a little more than tipsy. Especially Jax, as he was a lightweight as it was.
Kaufmo tried to balance his bottle on the coffee table without moving off the sofa; the bottle wobbled and toppled onto the floor. He flapped his hand at it dismissively, before turning back to Jax, as he continued the conversation.
“And then I told her I hate her… But, I didn’t mean it! I don’t know why I said it.. I didn’t mean it! What’s wrong with me?!” Jax exclaimed woefully, clutching at his head in despair. He’d been filling them both in on the happenings at the circus that led to his abstraction.
Him and Ribbit were sitting on the floor, leaning on the sofa opposite the one Kaufmo was sprawled across.
“Damn bro - that’s rough.” Kaufmo replied as Ribbit put a consoling hand on the rabbit's shoulder. “She sounds fucking awesome.” The clown slurred.
Jax looked up at him, brow cranked in confusion. “Huh?”
“Come on! She told Caine to eat shit and jumped on an abstraction, with no idea what would happen to her as a consequence?” He whistled, long and low. “What a woman.”
Jax sighed, rubbing at his temples. “Yeah… She’ll do just fine without me.”
“Fumbled again, dude.” Kaufmo sniggered. “Condolences for your loss of game.”
Ribbit burst out laughing as Jax flashed them both an irritated glare. He wasn’t able to keep it up long.
“Pfft,” Ribbit held back laughter. “Look at him. He’s dead to the world, isn’t he?”
Jax sniggered too, glancing over at Kaufmo, who was laying on his stomach on the sofa, his mouth open, a small pool of dribble forming on the couch surface. “Totally whacked out.”
“And I thought you were the lightweight.” The frog responded, her black eyes resting on the purple rabbit next to her. Her expression softened a little as she looked at him. “It’s very surreal you’re here, you know.”
“Yeah? Well… The feelings mutual.” Jax mumbled, his smile dead-eyed.
“You know, despite everything that happened and how we parted ways.. I am genuinely sorry that you ended up here. Thought you were unabstractable.”
“Heh,” Jax mused. “So did I for a long time. It all just… got too much. I couldn’t watch it happen again.”
“What do you mean?”
Jax looked down at his lap. “I isolated you to the brink of no return.. Too scared of that exposed feeling I get when I actually connect with someone… I convinced myself you’d told Kaufmo everything, so I pushed any resemblance of our friendship that was left after you abstracted away, then he followed a little while after.. I kept myself to myself, being just enough of an asshole to everyone that I could keep it that way. Then she arrived.”
There was annoyance in his voice. Or perhaps resentment. Ribbit frowned.
“And I just…” The sneer fell off his face, replaced with anguish. “I couldn’t do it to someone I cared about again. And then I did… I was so stupid, letting myself get too close, too deep, again. It always ends the same way. I just screw over anyone who gets too close. It couldn’t be her. Not after you. So, it had to be me this time.” He rubbed at his face in embittered frustration.
“I don’t know why you’re bothering talking to me again here.” His voice was low now, hoarse. “Maybe because a second abstraction isn’t possible… And we can’t die here. I’m not a threat, I ‘spose.”
“No.” Ribbit told him, her voice firm but gentle. “Because I care about you, despite the fact you’re about as fucked up as they come. And you need a shit ton of therapy.” She smiled in a teasing way and he sighed.
“I don’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve her. I don’t deserve anything. I’m a bad, bad person.” Tears had pooled in his eyes, Ribbit squeezed her hands into fists in frustration.
“Will you just stop saying shit like that! It doesn’t help anybody, especially not you! You do deserve to be cared for, Jax! But you’re not allowing it. I’m NOT having this shit in here too, so you need to, to snap out of it!”
“I, I - I don’t know how!” He cried, fisting his eyes to try and suppress the tears.
“Well, we’ll figure it out. Together. Maybe I need to slap it out of you.” She muttered, resting her head on his shoulder.
He laughed, resting his head against hers. “I missed you. You have no idea how much I missed you.”
She smiled warmly. “I do. I’m pretty awesome.”
“Yeah,” He tilted his head down to look at her. She angled hers up to look at him. “You are.”
A look was exchanged. A look of what ifs.. Of long held feelings. They turned slightly; foreheads pressed together.
Jax swallowed hard. “Ribbit, I -”
They interrupted him. “Mm - let’s not - don’t think about it too much.”
“‘K…”
She closed her eyes, Jax did the same, their lips meeting.
But.. it didn’t feel right. He’d wanted it to - he’d wanted to do this a lot, when Ribbit was in the circus, even after she’d left. But it felt.. Wrong. Unearned. Undeserved.
He froze, pulling away from her probably a little too abruptly. Her expression matched his. They spoke at the same time.
“I don’t think -”
“This isn’t a good idea -”
Red crept up their faces, and they both smiled sheepishly.
“God, we’re useless.” Ribbit exclaimed, hiding her face momentarily in embarrassment.
“I know…” Jax agreed. “Look, I don’t wanna, ya know, break your heart or anything but - this is -”
“A really bad idea? I couldn’t agree more. We know it’ll end in tears. And I, I need a bit more time to, ya know, process you being here, after everything -” They burbled.
“Me too. I’m not, I don’t wanna - my head is a mess and I, I don’t know how I feel about.. Well, anything, right now.” The purple bunny admitted.
“I know. Look, that will just complicate things further, and.. Even if things were a little healthier.. I still don’t think it’s an ideal situation.” Ribbit sighed, but she was smiling a half smile.
“No, no I agree. Things are different now. Right?” Jax asked, his voice brimming with hope that this wouldn’t further strain something that was already holding on by a tether.
“Right. But, you’re still my friend. Even though there’s a small part of me that kind of fucking hates you, you’re also my friend.” Her voice was sincere, with a hint of her usual wit.
Jax grinned at her, laughing. “I’ll take that.”
6 months later…
“Ughh…” Pomni groaned with a stretch as she slunk out of the portal. “I really suck at every sport.”
Ragatha was a few steps behind her, frowning as her plush feet hit the circus tent’s floor. “You didn’t enjoy tennis?”
“Like I said - I suck. I’m just not very athletic. But it was a nice idea, and all.” The jester added, trying to erase the disappointment evident in the ragdoll’s face; tennis had been her idea, after all.
“I used to play back in the real world. My Mom used to make me take lessons and everything…” She admitted, as Kinger, Caine, Zooble and Gangle followed behind them, the portal closing and disappearing into nothingness.
“You can tell - you were really good.” Gangle complimented her.
“Oh - thank you Gangle. Hey - shall we all go grab a hot chocolate from the cafe?” Ragatha suggested, turning to include Pomni in the invite.
But the little jester was already gone. Ragatha frowned, watching her make her way across the circus towards Jax’s tent, still clad in her tank top and shorts from their tennis adventure.
“We’re game.” Zooble said, noticing the doll’s concern, or agitation. “Come on Ragatha, you know she likes to go and talk to him about her day. It’s her routine now.”
“Yeah, it’s really quite sweet. And I think it helps her cope. We’ll come to the cafe with you.” Gangle added.
Ragatha sighed softly, turning back to the others. Kinger and Caine had already gone off to do their own thing. She nodded, still looking a little worried. “She was doing so well at first. It just feels like she’s taken a bit of a nose dive lately. Don’t you think?”
“Grief isn’t linear. She’s going to have good spells and bad spells. That’s just life, whether you’re dealing with a loss or not. Come on, let her do her thing. She’ll be okay, she knows we’re all here for her.”
Ragatha nodded, glancing back as Pomni disappeared into the tent, before following her two friends to the cafe in the opposite direction.
“Hey Jax.” Pomni mumbled, climbing over the pillows and stumbling a little as her feet found the floor. “Whoa - uhh. How’re you doing?”
She rubbed at the back of her neck as she peered at him. He was curled up before her, all his neon eyes closed tightly as he slept.
Pomni grabbed a pillow, hugging it to her front as she watched him with a peaceful expression. “I’m doing okay. I think… We played tennis today. I was… Awful at it. I really do have two left feet, I can’t do anything that requires a little coordination. You’d have enjoyed watching me try. I bet you’d have been good at it. Competitive too, I’d wager.”
Her smile didn’t meet her eyes as she looked at him.
Life in the circus had changed drastically in the months that had passed since Caine’s deletion and then return, and Jax’s abstraction.
Caine had agreed on collaboration being the way the circus would run going forward. It was their digital home, and Caine wasn’t the host anymore. He wasn’t in charge - no one was.
The former Ringmaster worked with his human companions now to create worlds and activities of interest to them, to fill their days and find joy in a stagnant, unmoving life.
Conjuring had also been a major gamechanger. Kinger had known all along they were capable of it - he just hadn’t realised he was the only one who had that knowledge. But over the passing time, he’d helped everyone learn how to harness it, and utilise it to their benefit in their everyday lives.
Jax’s tent was still erected; a permanent feature in the circus nowadays. Although it wasn’t strictly just Jax’s tent anymore. Sometimes, when Jax went for a swim in the aquarium that housed the other abstracted members, Queenie would come to the tent, so Kinger could sit with her and spend time with her.
She wasn’t very responsive; not as responsive as Jax could be when he was awake. He seemed to respond in small ways to the things the jester said to him about 60% of the time. The other 40%, he slept.
Kinger had theorised she’d been abstracted - and in the cellar for a long time. Maybe her sleepy, lethargy was down to being disorientated from all the movement and noise, after being unmoving for so long.
Jax didn’t go in the aquarium too often - Pomni liked having him in the tent, so she could talk to him. Plus, when they first put him in there, he spent weeks isolating himself from everyone, ducking to the bottom of the tank and keeping himself alone. It made her sad to think of him shying away from the others and keeping himself alone. Just like he had done during his final weeks in the circus.
But over time, he’d linger and swim with two other abstractions, until he seemed to have found peace with being there with them. Pomni liked to think it was Ribbit and Kaufmo.
She sighed lightly. “Oh Jax… How’s it been 6 months already? Half a year, with zero mischief in this circus. It seems so hard to fathom…”
With another sigh, she leant back against the pillows walled around her, looking up at his sleeping form.
She chatted with him every day, give or take. Sometimes she cried. Sometimes she vented her frustrations with the circus, with the other members, with herself. Sometimes she was angry - at him. For leaving, for not reaching out. Sometimes she was angry at herself for not prying enough.
Jax sometimes just slept through her talking. Other times he appeared to be listening, blinking along, or tilting his head, giving her gentle nudges or strokes. Pomni swore when he was awake he could understand her. Kinger was the only one who wholeheartedly agreed. The others pulled faces like something was deeply wrong with her.
Maybe it was. But she didn’t care. Talking to him helped.
The survivors' guilt was severe.
Initially, she’d been in some kind of honeymoon period, when he’d first left. It hadn’t really hit her properly. At first, she’d been doing okay, and had thrown herself into the new version of the circus; enjoying her time with her chosen family, having adventures of their choosing and making memories. But 3 or 4 months after they lost Jax, she started having nightmares again.
Bad dreams had been something she’d been afflicted with most of her life - it had been the same when she first arrived there. But it had eased when she’d grown to accept her fate there.
Now, they were back with avengeance, it seemed.
Sometimes they were of Jax, sometimes they were incidents from the real world. People from her old life. Some she missed deeply, some she’d sooner forget about. Particularly one person from her past. Thankfully, his face was always blurred when she did dream of him.
Her mental health was beginning to tank at the moment, she was well aware. And she knew the others were aware of it too. Exhaling lightly, blowing her bangs about her face, she looked up at the abstracted version of her friend, that somber, familiar feeling sweeping over her.
The jester’s train of thought was interrupted by a popping sound; before her eyes, a handful of confetti exploded over her, and in big blocky writing, the words ‘Happy 1 Year Circus-versary, Pomni!’ A little horn sounded as she stared at it with wide eyes, sitting up a little.
One year.
She had been in the circus for one whole year. 12 months. 365 days. One whole year of being Pomni, not Abby.
February 2017 was when she’d broken into the abandoned C&A building to explore it. If she’d been here a year, that would make it February 2018 right now. She’d missed her 26th birthday. She’d missed Christmas. What else had she missed?
Her breathing grew ragged as the words faded to nothing above her, leaving only the confetti in her hair and on her lap. She looked down at it, a small whimper escaping her lips. “Oh god.” She cried, gripping at her head, and beginning to rock. “Oh god.”
The magnitude of being a brain scan ripped from reality hit her hard. She was out there, living her life. And she had been for an entire year. What had she missed? Was she okay? She’d not been in the best place a year ago. How was Abby coping? Had she made friends? Had her mother finally started picking up her calls? Had she managed to make contact with her siblings? Had he found her? Was she still all alone in St Louis?
“Oh my god oh my god, I’m all alone.” Pomni squeaked, her pinwheel eyes being replaced with messy black scribbles.
Beside her, Jax peeked an eye open, rearing his head when he saw she was having some kind of panic attack. He leant forward, nudging her with his nose, his bunny ears pushed down flat. But Pomni didn’t respond. She stared dead ahead, mumbling and panting, tears pooling in her eyes.
Jax grew even more alarmed when he noticed one of her eyes flash neon, spiralling colours.
Sometimes, Jax wished Pomni wouldn’t talk to his abstraction so much. Some days, it was a huge comfort to him, to be sat hanging out with Ribbit and Kaufmo, and hear her warm, soft voice in the back of his mind, telling him about her day. He particularly liked it when she’d giggle or laugh about something that had happened. It was better when she was happy. It gave him relief that she was doing okay. He’d hear her voice, and close his eyes, so he could see her smiling and chattering away to him.
Sometimes it was maddening. Torturous even, to hear her chatting away and not really be able to reply. Other times she was sad, and that was even harder. Hearing her cry, or apologising to him, telling him how much she missed him; it was just painful.
He’d go through spells of ignoring her. One: because it was horrible to listen to her grief, her guilt, her sadness. Two, because it irritated him. How much she cared, how much she loved. She shouldn’t do either.
She was supposed to move on and forget about him. Why wouldn’t she?
But then.. Why wouldn’t he?
Her devotion, her dedication made resentment rumble. She wasn’t supposed to make this so hard. He was here now, in this Digital Limbo, with Ribbit and Kaufmo. Reunited with his two best friends. He should be happier than he was.
But she still lived in his head rent free, despite them both being on different planes of existence.
What didn’t help was that she seemed worse lately. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw her genuinely smile. It made his heart hurt.
He sighed lightly, looking up at the piercing blue sky, his knees tucked up against his chest, hands grabbing at the grass and plucking little handfuls up.
Jax could hear her now, rambling on about being bad at tennis. He’d tried not to listen, to focus on relaxing by the river with Kauffy and Ribs, but some days it was harder to disregard her voice in his head.
He scowled, looking over at his companions and trying to join back into the conversation.
‘Oh Jax… How’s it been 6 months already? Half a year, with zero mischief in this circus. It seems so hard to fathom…’
He frowned deeply, urging himself not to listen.
“You good man?” Kaufmo asked, breaking from his point. “You look like your heads gunna explode.”
“Sometimes it feels like it is. Just, Pomni. Talking to me.” He murmured dejectedly.
“You can close your eyes and go see her if you want. We’re just chilling here, it’s no big deal.” Ribbit suggested, knowing how much of a love/hate relationship he seemed to have with communicating with the jester.
“It’s fine. She’s struggling at the moment.. Sometimes it’s just.. Hard to listen to.” Jax said, crossing his arms atop his knees, and resting his head on them.
“That’s understandable…” Ribbit replied, glancing back at Kaufmo with unease.
“Anyway, what was you saying?” The purple rabbit asked, trying to push Pomni to the back of his mind and engage properly with his friends.
“Oh, I was just saying that ‘blue’ is not a flavour.” Kaufmo continued, eliciting a snigger from Ribbit, and a grin from the bunny.
Jax heard the faint noise of a horn in the back of his head, and his expression changed to one of dread. He knew that noise. That was Caine’s ridiculous ‘Circus-versary’ notification that popped up on the anniversary of when you landed in this hellhole.
‘Oh god.’ He heard Pomni whimper. ‘Oh god.’
An internal battle began in the rabbits head. Check in on her. Check she’s okay! You remember how rough it was when you discovered you’d been here a year. Checking in quickly won’t hurt.
He grumbled to himself in frustration. What’s the point in checking in? It’s not like I can do anything for her? I can barely even touch her, I can’t talk to her. It’s pointless. I can’t do ANYTHING for her. She has people there to support her. She doesn’t need me.
‘Oh my god oh my god, I’m all alone.’
Damn it.
“Sorry Kaufmo - I’m just gunna, check in quickly…” He muttered, closing his eyes and zoning in on his abstraction.
“No problem man, do what you gotta do.” Kaufmo replied, giving Ribbit a knowing look, then continuing to complain about ‘red’ not being a drink flavour, either.
Jax could see her, curled into a ball against the pillows of his tent, her eyes in scribbles, rocking and breathing heavily. She was having a panic attack, or something.
He leaned forward, nudging her lightly, to try and snap her out of it. She was mumbling something, tears pooling in her eyes, but he didn’t quite catch what she was saying.
Then one of her eyes went spiralled, and neon. Jax stood upright, his abstracted form growing bigger and jagged in panic.
“No! Pomni, come on - snap out of it!” He growled - but she couldn’t hear him. All his abstraction did was make a trill, cooing noise.
“Is everything okay?” Ribbit asked from beside him.
“She’s freaking out. It’s her ‘Circus-versary’.” Jax responded, and both looked expressive. They knew how that felt.
“The first ones always the roughest.” Kaufmo said heavily. “She’ll get through it.”
“Well, right now she’s abstracting. Fuck, Pomni, come on!”
“Oh shit!” Ribbit hissed; Kaufmo’s mouth fell open.
Jax’s abstraction nudged her more with it’s muzzle, this time on the arm, then her head repeatedly.
Pomni turned her head - but not in the direction Jax was. She looked across from them both. ‘Jax?’
He looked where she was looking - there was no one there. Was she seeing things? Like he saw Ribbit?
“Pomni don’t do this - if you abstract, over this, after everything we went through 6 months ago, I’m gunna be so pissed with you when you get here!” Jax snapped in frustration. “Come on! Cut it out!”
What if he jumped on her? Would it pull her into his head, like she’d done when she’d jumped on him?
They’d not tried again since that day. He’d wondered often if she’d ever try it. But she hadn’t. He was half disappointed by that, half relieved.
Now, he wondered if the action would save her. Or would it just quicken the process, if his abstraction got involved?
He touched her one more time with his paw, letting it linger a little longer. ‘Jax?’ she asked again, still looking in that same direction. Her other eye went neon. He let go of her in shock. Her breathing steadied.
The acceptance was coming. He remembered it well. The overwhelming peace of accepting your fate.
Kinger poked his head into the entrance of the tent. ‘Did someone call? Oh god, Pomni! Oh no - Caine?! Ragatha! I’m gunna need some help!’ ’
Jax relaxed, being relieved she wasn’t alone anymore. Someone who could actually help her was there.
Within seconds Kinger was by her side, talking to her and reassuring her, trying to bring her back. ‘Pomni sweetie, I’m here. It’s all okay - stay with us.’
Pomni angled her head in Kinger’s direction. ‘Papà?’ She asked in a small voice.
‘Sure sweetheart, if that helps. It’s Kinger, I’m here. I’m here with you. Try to calm down, everything’s gunna be okay.’ He held her close, rubbing circles on her back in a comforting manner. ‘You’re very loved and needed here Pomni. We’re not ready to send you off just yet.’ He stroked her hair lovingly.
She was stiff, but fell soft against him, her breathing growing calmer.
Jax’s abstraction watched on as she found focus once more, her eyes no longer neon stripes. ‘K-Kinger?’ Her voice was wobbly as she looked up at him.
‘Oh thank god. Hello Pomni.’ Kinger breathed. Ragatha ran in then, Caine close behind.
‘What’s going on? Is everything okay?’ The doll asked, staring at Pomni with panicked eyes.
‘Everything’s fine. Just had a wobble. But it’s over now, right Pomni?’
She nodded, shakily. ‘Ow. My head..’
‘I know it hurts. Maybe Caine could help?’ Kinger suggested; the aforementioned AI clicked his fingers, then paused to take a quick scan, his eyes going blue with white codes.
‘Your code seems stable now. Take it easy my dear.’
‘I’m sorry, I just, a whole year. I’ve been here for a year. And Jax has been… For 6 months.’ She mumbled.
Ragatha looked up at Jax. Jax blinked at her, confused by the almost accusing look on her face.
‘Did you try to… Visit him?’ She asked cautiously. Jax’s abstraction reared its head, disgusted by being roped into this. Typical Ragatha, blaming him for everything.
‘No. No, it wasn’t - I didn’t… This was just me. Being… weak.’ She muttered quietly.
‘It’s not weak to lose your nerve Pomni. You’ve been through a lot, we all have…’ Kinger assured her. ‘The first Circus-versary is always hard. But, it gets easier.’
‘It’s your Circus-versary? Congratulations!’ Caine cried enthusiastically. It was not well received by anyone there.
‘I don’t think now is the time, Caine…’ Ragatha told him, patting him on the arm. He shied away a little guiltily. ‘You’re not weak at all, Pomni. Do you think that’s not happened to the rest of us during our time here?’ The ragdoll continued, resting her hand on her hip. ‘Why don’t we get you to bed, to rest? It might make you feel a little better to lay your head down in your own bed.’
Pomni shook her head. ‘No. I, I can rest here.’
Jax watched as they all exchanged concerned looks that Pomni didn’t seem to notice. She didn’t want to be in her room for some reason? He didn’t know why… At least she’d calmed down now.
“Is everything okay now?” Ribbit asked, as Jax opened his eyes.
“Yeah. Yeah - Kinger got her to calm down. She’s all right.” He exhaled with relief.
Pomni didn’t share too much with the others about what she’d seen in Jax’s abstracted mind six months ago. Not the personal stuff, anyhow. It wasn’t her place. And just like Ribbit had told him, his secret was safe with her, and it always would be.
However, she did talk to Kinger about the visit her and Jax had had, and the fact they’d been able to talk, one final time. At least, she’d assumed it was, anyhow…
She sat on the bench in the aquarium, watching as Jax swam around in fluid, languid motions. Two other abstractions swam with him, presumably Ribbit and Kaufmo.
They were peaceful to watch. Peaceful, yet somehow heartbreaking, too.
Pomni’s brow furrowed as she watched the abstraction she knew to be Jax, just from familiarity. It felt like they’d only put him back in there as a precaution - like they didn’t believe she didn’t try to visit him again.
Without taking her roulette eyes off the glass tank, she muttered: “I didn’t try to visit Jax’s mindscape again, you know.”
Kinger, sitting beside her, turned to look at her. “I know.”
Pomni looked at him now. “How do you know?”
“Because, Ragatha asked, and you answered. I know you wouldn’t lie.” Kinger replied simply.
“Oh.” Pomni mumbled. “Right.”
There was a small, but heavy pause. Kinger’s bright blue eyes found his wife, curled up and sleeping on the aquarium bed. “You’d like to try again though, wouldn’t you?” He asked her gently.
Pomni took a moment to answer. She swallowed hard before she did. “Wouldn’t you?”
Kinger glanced back at her. “Hmm?”
“I’m sorry -” Pomni paused, looking a little aghast; she didn’t want to upset him - she often felt like she said the wrong thing. “Doesn’t it make you curious to try to speak with Queenie?”
The man beside her sighed lightly. “I can’t pretend the thought hasn’t crossed my mind. It has. But… I can’t decide if it’s a good idea or not. It could be dangerous.. Physically, and emotionally..”
If they hadn’t pulled Pomni from Jax that day, she would have abstracted too. She’d known leaping on him was leaping into the unknown, but she’d been prepared to leave trying to reach him. She’d have done anything to help him. She still would.
“We really don’t know enough about abstraction to meddle too much. Caine and I, we need to do more research. You’re the first and only person to attempt communication with an abstracted friend. If we didn’t arrive when we did… There would have been two of you abstracted there. We need to think really hard before making any decisions about it all.” Kinger’s voice wasn’t berating or disapproving. Just matter of fact.
“It’s been 6 months.” Pomni said, her voice quiet as she found Jax once more. “Which I realise isn’t much, in comparison to you and Queenie.. But… I miss him.”
“I know you do.” Kinger replied. “I understand.”
She hesitated before asking: “Do you think it’s unwise to try and talk to Jax again?”
“Why, you talk to him every day, my dear.” Kinger replied cheerfully.
“I, I know - I mean, like that… Like, trying to get in his mind again…”
Kinger sighed, looking at her again. “It may feel like a good idea.. But I don’t know how good it is for you up here.” He tapped her lightly on the head. “But, you’re your own person, Pomni. Who makes her own decisions. Maybe have a think about it. And we’ll check in about it another time. You have to consider too, would Jax want that?”
“I… I guess I don’t know.” Pomni whispered, watching him swim placidly, her pupils wide.
It had been a rough day. After a fitful night’s sleep, filled with nightmare after nightmare, Pomni felt rather blue; like a boulder was sitting on her chest.
She’d shied away from any adventures or excursions that day, opting to mope about in the circus instead, spending most of her time in pajamas amongst the pillows in Jax’s tent.
He’d been more alert recently, she’d noticed. Ever since her Circus-versary freak out a couple of days ago. She’d not been very talkative; the odd comment here and there… But she was feeling too low to chitchat.
Yet he’d been awake a lot, watching her. Keeping an eye on her. Pomni liked to think he was worried she’d almost abstract again, so he was watching over. But then she remembered it was still Jax in there, so he probably wasn’t awake to look out for her.
She didn’t know; she couldn’t ask him. Or at least he couldn’t answer her.
Pomni was laying across several pillows, curled up in a tight ball as she slept. Jax’s abstraction had been awake, watching her. When he was certain she was in a deep sleep, and that no one else was around, it being the middle of the night, he moved. The large black beast cuddled up around her, coiling himself like a protective shield. He was careful not to touch her too much or for too long.
As it was, the motion of him moving nearer made her stir. She peeked up at him, a soft smile gracing her features when she saw where he was now. “Hi, Jax.” She mumbled, stretching sleepily.
He trilled back at her, his ears forward and alert.
They were slightly touching, Pomni noticed. She could feel the dull buzz against her leg. It made curiosity peak in her. Slowly, she raised her hand and touched his paw, ignoring the slight hum of pain it let off. “I’m not doing so well at the moment.” She told him, her voice low and injured. “And I don’t understand why now... I mean, it’s always been hard since you left. It’s never been easy. But, I was coping so well. I thought I was doing so well.”
Jax’s abstraction tilted his head, lowering it closer to hers as if to listen harder. “I’ve dealt with big changes before. I’ve dealt with loss before, grief is like an old friend to me... Someone I often touch base with.. The feelings are.. Familiar. Maybe that’s why I’m suddenly struggling again at the moment. Finding out I’ve been here a year now didn’t help.. Probably didn’t warrant an almost-abstraction but…”
She sighed, looking at his face intently. “I wish I knew if you could hear me. I wish I knew if you were still in there. And if you’re okay. If I could just talk to you, one more time…”
At her words, Jax leant forward, tilting his head towards her, as if he was going to touch her more, but hesitating. It felt like a cue. Like he was trying. Like an invitation.
She didn’t plan it.
It just felt like an opportunistic moment. No one else was around.
There was a possibility she wouldn’t make it back if she did this. Everyone was in their rooms, sleeping.
She didn’t sleep in her room anymore. Rarely, anyway. It had been over a month since she’d stepped inside it, she thought. Maybe even closer to two. It was too depressing each time she left, Jax’s grinning face with a big red cross etched over it staring at her.
Pomni edged closer. When she’d contemplated this in the past, he’d moved back, almost as if he didn’t want her to take any risks - that was what she’d told herself anyway, not that he didn’t want to see her - though she was well aware it could be that.
But this time, he didn’t move. He kept edging closer, but not actually touching her. He’d get close, centimetres away, then pull ever so slightly back.
She placed her hand on him solidly, not a stroke this time, or a swift gesture. The small, familiar kick of pain hit her, but she didn’t pull away. He didn’t either.
Jax’s many eyes clicked down to her hand, then back up to her face.
“Fuck it.” She muttered, before throwing her arms around him and holding onto him tightly.
A white flash went off, and she was surrounded by the same kaleidoscope of colour as before. His silhouette flashed before her. He was still in there. She’d knew it.
Pomni blinked, and she was back in the room she’d found herself in six months ago. With the same five doors. One of them was still heavily barricaded. She took a couple of nervous steps forward, glancing around. “Jax?”
There was no reply.
“That was the most boring weekly meeting in ages.” Kaufmo complained as he flopped onto the grass and stared up at the Limbo sky. “So pointless.”
“Aww, you didn’t enjoy Bizco’s twenty minute speech on coffee shop etiquette?” Ribbit teased with a smirk.
“The dude rambled on about coffee filter disposal for more than twenty minutes! I was considering conjuring a gun just to stick a bullet in my head and make it over quicker.” The clown quipped; Ribbit cackled in response, as Kaufmo joined in, they both turned to Jax, who hadn’t responded or joined in the conversation.
The purple rabbit had his eyes closed as he fiddled with a flower he’d picked from the grass. “You with us bud?”
“Yeah yeah - sorry. Just, Pomni - I won’t be a minute.” He murmured, not opening his eyes.
‘I’m not doing so well at the moment. And I don’t understand why now... I mean, it’s always been hard since you left. It’s never been easy. But, I was coping so well. I thought I was doing so well. Her voice was pained as she spoke to him.
‘I’ve dealt with big changes before. I’ve dealt with loss before, grief is like an old friend to me... Someone I often touch base with.. The feelings are.. Familiar. Maybe that’s why I’m suddenly struggling again at the moment. Finding out I’ve been here a year now didn’t help.. Probably didn’t warrant an almost-abstraction but… I wish I knew if you could hear me.’
“I can!” Jax blurted aloud, despite himself.
Ribbit and Kaufmo glanced at him, confused. “Huh?” Ribbit asked.
“Sorry…” Jax replied. “Pointlessly talking to Pomni…”
“Yeah, I don’t think she can hear you man…” Kaufmo answered delicately.
“I know…”
‘I wish I knew if you were still in there. And if you’re okay. If I could just talk to you, one more time…”
Jax’s face screwed up in despair. This was just torturous. He didn’t know how much longer he could bear hearing her in this state. And not being able to do anything about it. It both upset and angered him at the same time.
‘Fuck it.’
“Oh shit - another newbie already?”
Kaufmo’s words made Jax’s eyes click open. He sat up rapidly, his golden eyes darting about. “What?!”
A door had appeared in the distance.
The last time a door had appeared, he had stumbled out of it. Had Pomni abstracted? How had he missed that?!
“Could it be your jester?” Kaufmo suggested.
“Wait, it’s not an exit door.” Ribbit said, getting to her feet to look at it. “Jax, it’s got your face on it.”
“What? What the hell? What does that mean?” Jax asked confusedly.
“I, I don’t know.. Thats... Never happened before. As far as I’m aware, anyway.” Ribbit muttered; they’d all got to their feet now to gaze at it.
Jax thinks of Pomni again. And everything she was just saying. “Wait. Wait a second.”
He closed his eyes, focusing on his abstracted form once more. Sure enough, Pomni was clinging to him. Jax’s eyes popped open. “It’s Pomni. She - she’s come back. She’s, she - oh shit!” He ran towards the door, almost tripping in his haste. “She’s come back. She’s come back!”
Five or six other abstracted members were all watching him in confusion as he approached the door and threw it open without even thinking twice.
“Damn, I’ve never seen him run so fast.” Kaufmo commented.
“No, me neither.” Ribbit agreed. The moment he stepped inside, the door disappeared. Ribbit and Kaufmo blinked in dismay. “What the - is he - is he just, gone??” The frog yelped.
“I, I don’t know…” Kaufmo responded, just as baffled as she was.