Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I wish you’d stop and realise how loud you’re being.”

Naruto let out the most high-pitched, ridiculous, cliché girly scream to ever grace the air of the Academy as he spun around, clutching his broom to his chest in startled horror. He felt his face heat up and burn, and god, he must look like a fuckin’ tomato, he wasn’t a pretty blusher. Or crier. Or anything, really, he was just that ugly demon boy that no one wanted to be near.

But he must not sulk in self-pity!

With a great mental effort, Naruto grabbed all of the anxiety and self-hatred and anything else that was getting in the way of his super awesome happy routine (cause it took a lot of effort to make it and he wasn’t gonna let it break just because some asshole snuck up behind him when he was doing Mizuki-sensei’s stupid task, believe it!), and swept it all away to the very back of his mind where he could ignore it to his heart’s content. Now centred within his epic resolve, Naruto steadied himself before raising his finger. He was filled with righteous indignation, with the glorious strength of one thousand suns, he was going to point at this-this intruder and yell at them until they saw the truth and fell at his feet in apology, he was going to-

Actually look at who had spoken to him.

And then he choked on air.

Hard.

“Wh-wh-what- this- you’re- BASTARD!”

“No.”

Naruto was going to just yell at The Bastard, he was. But Iruka-sensei came to him speaking words of great wisdom, enforced with the threat of no Ramen (not the beloved Ramen!), and this voice of horrific power told him to actually verify his facts, and even though Iruka-sensei wasn’t there right now, he had this terrifying radar for disobedience, with a whole wavelength dedicated just for him, believe it! And so because Naruto could not bear for the wonderful and innocent Ramen to come to harm in the crossfire of The Greatest War Against Stupid Rules Ever, he listened and he obeyed.

And so he looked. And looked again. And just to make sure Naruto whipped out a piece of paper from The Great Void of Handy Plot-Required Items™ and wrote himself a checklist so he could be super-duper sure, because Ramen was being held hostage, goddamnit!

Hair darker than midnight, blacker than sin (and quite possibly The Bastard’s soul), lovingly shaped into a representation of a duck’s ass every morning since there was no way that any greater divine force or celestial being would allow such a soul-scarring travesty to occur naturally?

Check.

Eyes that quite possibly managed to be darker than his hair, framed with thick, dark, luscious lashes that just made them look bigger and darker, probably an evolutionary trait that allowed him to bewitch the Academy teachers so he would always be at the top of the class rankings no matter what?

Check.

Ivory skin, so milky and pale, that looked so soft and The Bastard’s household bills must be horrendous, god, think of the utility bills for all those long, hot, steamy showers and by all that is holy how much is he spending on soaps and body wash?

Check.

A navy blue shirt that was the perfect balance between dark enough to highlight his lovely skin and blue enough to draw attention to the blue undertones in his pretty, pretty hair, whilst sporting a wide upright collar that provided a frankly obscene view at those collarbones when he stood at the right angle whilst also managing to contain all of his overflowing ego, for as large as The Bastard’s head was there were still limits which his ego must surely be exceeding?

Check.

White shorts which-

“I think you can stop there. I mean, I know you think you wrote this checklist as a way to identify me but it’s reading more as a love letter, and I’m pretty uncomfortable thinking about what you might come up with to say about my pants,” a brief, contemplative pause, “or what’s underneath them.” Uchiha Sasuke continued thoughtfully. “I mean, I think we’re a bit young for that sort of thing, don’t you?”

Naruto beat his record of the most high-pitched, ridiculous, cliché girly scream to ever grace the air of the Academy by letting out a higher-pitched, more ridiculous, even more effeminate cliché girly scream right into Sasuke’s face. Sasuke responded, of course, by scrunching up his face as he took a step back, rubbing absently at the ear that had been closer to Naruto, and therefore the one that was violated the most.

“You know you’re actually pretty cute like that and I’d be more willing to acknowledge it if you didn’t scream right into my ears. I don’t know if you’re aware, but whistle tones hurt when they’re practically released right on top of someone’s eardrums.”

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DON’T SNEAK UP ON PEOPLE AND READ THINGS OVER THEIR SHOULDERS WE WOULDN’T BE HAVING THESE PROBLEMS GENIUS-BASTARD!”

“You know, I don’t think I’d mind dating you; you’re pretty cute when you’re flustered, you aren’t going to go on a ‘diet’,” and here Sasuke said the word ‘diet’ like you would say the most disgusting, despicable, immoral, atrocious thing that you had the misfortune to come across, “and expect me to rescue you all the time whilst being an utter waste of space, and I could do with a training partner I could trust.”

“OH MY GOD NO YOU BASTARD I’M NOT GOING TO DATE YOU!”

“The orange is a bit of an eyesore, but I’m sure I could bring myself to compromise and we could find a darker shade for you. And really, neon orange in the field? You’d probably be killed really quickly, I’m doing you a favour by keeping you alive long enough to reach chuunin, and I’m doing everyone else a favour by removing neon orange jumpsuits from their daily lives; I should probably get a medal for my services to humanity.”

“HEY THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY ORANGE IT’S THE BEST OKAY THERE IS NO BETTER COLOUR I CHECKED THEY’RE A LIE! ANY COLOUR OTHER THAN ORANGE IS A BIG FAT LIE!”

“And if I was dating you most of my fangirls would hopefully disappear. It’s a win-win situation no matter how I think about it.”

“I’M NOT DATING YOU! NOPE! NEVER EVER EVER SO GO SUCK ON THAT BASTARD!”

“I think it’s a bit early in our relationship to bring sucking into things, Naruto. I know you’re in denial about how completely smitten you are with me, but really, what will the neighbours say about your virtue?”

“THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP BASTARD AND THE NEIGHBOURS WON’T BE SAYING ANYTHING BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ANYTHING FOR THEM TO TALK ABOUT! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL CHANGE MY MIND!”

“If you date me then Haruno will get jealous of you and pay attention to you, and she might fall in love with you or something. Girls are weird like that.”

“Wait I can get Sakura-chan to like me if I date you?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“So how do we do this dating thing? Do I hold your hand? When’s the kissing come in? How does…”

If the two ANBU assigned to the children had been paying attention, then maybe this train-wreck could have been avoided. But alas, the ANBU assigned to Naruto that day was Uzuki Yuugao, and Sasuke’s ANBU was Gekkou Hayate, and so they were too busy quietly flirting to avert the apocalypse.

And thus a beautiful friendship was born.

Chapter Text

“Naruto,”
“No.”

“Naruto,”
“Nope.”

“Naruto, please,”
“Nuh-uh.”

“Naruto, stop this.”
“Never.”

“You’re being childish, Naruto.”
“Nopesies.”

“Naruto, this is quite frankly beneath my dignity.”
“Have you ever heard of supermassive black holes? They’re a void filled with all the fucks I don’t give about your dignity.”

“Naruto, stop this right now, we are future shinobi.”
“Negative.”

“Naruto, if you move that kunai one more inch we are going to have some serious problems, by which I mean you are going to end up in the hospital needing-no, no don’t you dare Naruto I swear to god I will break your face, I will break your house, I’ll break your fucking pot plant you ass I’LL BREAK THIS FUCKING RELATIONSHIP JUST FUCKING WATCH ME UZUMAKI DON’T THINK I WON’T DO IT-”

Uzumaki Naruto, jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi, intrepid adventurer, fearless warrior, looked his frantically livid boyfriend of two weeks dead in the eye as he unflinchingly pulled the kunai straight through the seams of Sasuke’s bowl-collared shirt, leaving it looking like an attempt at an off-the-shoulder tee, rather than an upright shounen monstrosity of fabric. There would be odes written to Naruto’s heroic bravery in this moment, for correcting one of the biggest crimes of everyday-wear clothing to sear the eyes of unsuspecting civilians who hadn’t prepared themselves for high fashion’s ‘unique aesthetic’ to wander off the catwalk.

Half the Uchiha District was swallowed by the unfortunate results of a goukakyu no jutsu meeting a large supply of exploding tags.

Coincidently, a team of ANBU were ‘re-acquiring’ an Iwa chuunin at the same time, and thus the explosion in the district was deemed collateral damage. Granted, no one could remember if they’d aimed a Fireball that way, nor was in entirely clear why an old ninja clan well versed in finicky explosives would stockpile them in one place, least of all there. But the Iwa nin wasn’t talking, the ANBU were running on a sliding scale of 48-63 hours of the ‘no-sleep-no-food’ self-deprivation training, and it was a simple run-of-the-mill in-village mission anyways, sir, does it really matter that we can’t remember it all in detailed step-by-step flashback when Hamster swears he saw a neon purple glitter elephant?

For the record, whilst the Hokage did agree with his comments, Ferret was still sent back for remedial training. Officially, it was because Ferret needed to be reminded how to give concise reports without personal embellishments. Unofficially, Ibiki had decided to mooch through ANBU HQ and Hiruzen needed some shiny distractions to throw at him whilst he moved the more *ahem* compromising mission reports to a new location. If there was one thing the village didn’t need, it was Morino Ibiki getting his hands on the mission report for that one time with Maito Gai, three square watermelons, and a civilian nudist colony protesting shinobi civil rights in Kiri, which ANBU Dog had been ordered to tail.

(Kakashi still remembered that clusterfuck vividly, since he’d had his Sharingan open for most of the active parts. He came out of it horrifically traumatised, and it took 8 months of intensive bi-weekly therapy to overcome, sometimes via Konoha messenger hawk when he was on mission. It was that bad.)

But back to the point, since the damage of an explodey nature to the Uchiha District was deemed Shinobi-Battle-Collateral (See Article 4, Section 919, Subsection 1018-X, Clause 86-Q-15½-JB), the Uchiha Estate was reimbursed for all damages.

Unfortunately, nobody told Naruto and Sasuke that.

The lead up to this incident is as follows:

It was roughly two weeks since Naruto tried to rupture Sasuke’s eardrums through aggressive whistle-tones, and Naruto thought things were going pretty well. He had someone to spar with, and correct his mistakes, and do his homework with, and correct his mistakes, and practice his bukijutsu and ninjutsu with, and, you guessed it, correct his mistakes. He had to admit, sometimes it got pretty irritating having everything you did criticised. Four days in, and Naruto was almost overflowing with rage (and he had to pretend he was angry, and not desperately, achingly sad because he knew he was no good but he was trying, can’t you see, Sasuke, I’m trying so hard-) and he was just about ready to murder Sasuke and his stupid, irritating, perfect face. And maybe Sasuke saw his impending demise in a dream, or the clouds, or heard The Mysteriously Appearing Aggressive Author Narration™ hissing at him to hurry up and do something you little shit stop stalling the plot it’s been over a month you tiny psychopath dictator this is why I never have deadlines because you ruin them every time you fucking inconsiderate trashcan.

It will forever remain a mystery.

But one way or another, Sasuke figured out that Naruto was getting pissy and decided that emotionally manipulating your attention starved, emotionally stunted, neglected AND abused classmate into an underage relationship of dubious consent to keep the fangirls away so you can continue your vicious fratricide plotting in peace did not, in fact, rank high enough on the Scale of Douchebaggery to warrant a joke about PMSing. So, since Sasuke wisely kept his mouth shut and avoided Immediate Painful Demise, yet existed still in the shadow of an Impending Demise, he decided to invite Naruto to his home. And as soon as he walked through the front door, Naruto didn’t feel so bad about Sasuke criticising all of his skills. He had discovered Sasuke’s failure, Sasuke’s weakness, Sasuke’s Achilles Heel, if you will.

Sasuke was bad at housework.

Like, so bad.

Naruto hadn’t realised it was actually possible for a person to be this bad at housework whilst living alone and escape death by poisoning, infection, bacteria, mould, fungi, contamination, electrical faults, gas leaks, tetanus, rotting floors and furniture, bug infestations, water damage, exposed wiring, electrocution, and that was just what he could see. It was like stepping into a portal to Hell, a horrific wasteland, or at least a garbage disposal site.

Sasuke was vaguely disturbed by Naruto’s serene murder smile, but as that age-old technique of torture and death was being directed at the rapidly diminishing mess in his apartment, and not at, for example, himself, he decided to back away slowly and leave the nice Naruto to his cleaning. It was the best decision that walking hot mess in a vague duck-human hybrid form ever made.

But while this calmed Naruto down, it just wasn’t meant to be. Because that shirt. With. The collar. Thing. Naruto tried to be positive about it. He tried to find reason for its existence. When all else failed, he tried to simply ignore it. But alas, the task soon proved impossible.

And so, one vaguely cloudy Tuesday at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, Naruto snapped and found himself sitting on a small pile of condemned navy shirts that took too many liberties with the concept of a scoop neck. He looked rather like a fluffy midget dragon on a lopsided, slightly pathetic hoard of clothes, who had just been informed that ‘no, sweetie, we said copper, not cotton’ and is trying to deal with the resulting sting of betrayal and the accompanying urge to reap vengeance on everything ever.

Naruto had a shirt in one hand, a kunai in the other, and it was this hostage crisis that Sasuke walked into less than a minute later.

We all know how that ended. With fire. And exploding tags.

Somewhere in the afterlife the Uchiha and Uzumaki clans are looking down with pride at the proof that blood breeds true. Probably. Just, you know, a feeling the Author has. You can’t prove they aren’t, you know.

But what is important about this incident is that when Naruto is sitting in front of the Hokage later, and brings up the damage to the Uchiha Estate, Sarutobi says to him,

“Ah, yes, I’m already aware of the situation. It was an unfortunate accident, and Sasuke-kun will be fully reimbursed for the destruction of Uchiha property. You must understand, Naruto-kun, that sometimes these things just happen, and there is nothing we can do about it but pay for the damage to be fixed after the event.”

What the Hokage meant was that sometimes structures will get caught in the crossfire of shinobi battles and that was just the unfortunate reality of the situation.

Naruto had no idea that Sarutobi thought the explosion was caused by his ANBU.

What Naruto heard was that the two of them could fight without concern for who (or what) was caught in the crossfire, and neither he nor Sasuke would be reprimanded for the damage, and that the Hokage would be perfectly happy to pay for the resulting reconstruction and hospital bills.

Miraculously, every single relationship spat between Naruto and Sasuke managed to be blamed on someone else, all the way up until their graduation.

Sarutobi Hiruzen gave so many lectures to his shinobi about keeping their destructive urges confined to missions and the training grounds. But not matter how many times he gave the goddamned fucking speech it never seemed to sink in. At the lowest points of this budgeting disaster, he almost wished that something would take the goddamned hat away from him so he didn’t have to deal with this bullshit.

In one of these scenarios, Orochimaru murdered the Kazekage and pretended to be him, and then launched an invasion during the Chuunin Exams that led to the Shodaime and Nidaime being resurrected, and Tsunade eventually coming back to be christened the Godaime Hokage.
But that was a ridiculous fever dream, of course, and it would never, ever happen.

Tsunade, becoming Hokage?!

Haha, no. Not possible.

Chapter Text

“Now why don’t you all introduce yourselves?”

*crickets chirping*

“You know, name, likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams for the future?”

*crickets chirping more aggressively*

“Okaaay,” here Hatake Kakashi made pained eye contact with an unknown point in the distance, aka ANBU Grasshopper. All three teeny baby nin turned around to figure out what the hell their sensei was looking at; Sasuke squinted suspiciously at a blob on a nearby roof, Naruto waved at him, and Sakura remained lost and confused, since she is a good girl who obeys the Plot, which states that tiny new shinobi are not to see ANBU (Looking at you, Sasuke, you frowny little gremlin, Naruto gets a pass under the Special Protagonist Act of Who the Fuck Cares the Author Said So™.)

“You go first, Pinkie.”

“Um, my name is Haruno Sakura! I like,” if the giggles Sakura voiced just then were sentient, they’d probably be fluttering their eyelashes at Sasuke, “and I hate Naruto-baka! My hobbies are,” and here the giggles are coyly patting his hand and stroking his hair, as these are the giggles of a twelve-year-old girl and thus have no knowledge of how to actually be coy, “and reading, I guess. And my dream for the future is to,” and here the giggles jump the shark and go straight for full body molestation armed with a multitude of tentacles, because there are romance novels, and then there are THOSE novels, and unfortunately for Sasuke in this hypothetical situation of assault via verbal expression, the owner of those giggles has read both.

Everyone, including ANBU Grasshopper, just kind of look at her for a minute.

*crickets chirp so aggressively that some of the din peters out and fades as their most diligent of comrades succumb to muscle fatigue*

Kakashi had to forcibly drag his attention to Naruto in the hope that he would be able to catch a break and recuperate from that heavy dose of Shit They Didn’t Need to Know™. But alas, Kakashi, this isn’t that kind of story.

“My name is Uzumaki Naruto! I like ramen! And Iruka-sensei! And my plants, I guess. I dislike-”

“Oi, dobe. Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Teme, I don’t like you. At best, I tolerate your bullshit-”

“Baka! Don’t talk to Sasuke-kun like that!”

“So anyways! I dislike the time it takes for ramen to cook! And Mizuki-teme! And vegetables that I have to eat! And anyone who tries to hold me back, cause I’m gonna be Hokage, ‘ttebayo! Yeah, uh, dream for the future! Hokage! And, um, hobbies, uh, my hobbies are ramen! And gardening! And training! Oh,” Naruto continued at a contemplative normal tone, to the blessed relief of eardrums everywhere, “and dating Sasuke-teme, I guess.”

"I can't believe you listed me as a hobby. I feel like I should be offended." Sasuke mused into the heavy atmosphere of shock.

“What.” Said Kakashi, with an empty face and an empty voice and a soul, that was admittedly not as empty as The Author’s Ideas: Move the Plot Along, Third Addition™, but it was trying really, really hard, and gets 20 points for effort, +3 for style, x ½ for poor time management, and -2 from the Author’s cat for stealing the use of their designated ear-scratcher’s hands.

“.--|….|.-|-” Chirped the crickets, ruining both their run of being written in a different tense to the rest of the text and their rather lovely rendition of Mr John Stump’s Faerie’s Aire and Death Waltz, just as the penguins were to be released.

“WHAT” Screeched Sakura so hard, that she blew away both the punctuation within the speech marks, any hope for the men of Team 7 to retain their hearing, and the rest of the wordcount for this chapter.